Stop Parenting Your Spouse: The Perspective That Changes Everything | COMMITTED HEARTS

Description

What if the biggest shift your marriage needs is a change in perspective?

In this episode of Committed Hearts, we talk about how seeing your spouse as God’s son or daughter changes the way you speak, listen, handle conflict, and show love. When perspective shifts, everything else follows—communication, respect, patience, and connection.

We discuss:

Why treating your spouse like a parent damages intimacy
How paying attention builds trust and emotional safety
The power of agreement over control
Why love is bold, intentional, and learned over time
How honoring God starts with how you honor your spouse

This conversation is honest, practical, and deeply encouraging for couples who want more than just staying married—they want a great marriage.

No perfection. No pressure. Just intentional love and committed hearts.

Welcome to Committed Hearts, a weekly podcast for engaged and married couples who want to build a strong, lasting, and God-centered relationship—without pressure, perfection, or churchy overload.

Hosted by The Porters—pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years—each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
um to committed heart podcast i'm william porter and i'm donna porter we'd like to start off with a word of prayer father that we thank you for as we come uh just on this podcast today we ask that all minds hearts and minds be open and just to receive what's being stated father god and apply it to their lives where it will change or impact their foundation of marriage i'm talking about strongly so we thank you father as we commit this podcast to you we most certainly want those that's listening to have a heart up to be changed in our heart to do better in their marriages we pray to the father in jesus name amen well we're so excited to have you with us today and we have an expectation that you're going to hear something
Speaker #1
that you need for your marriage today, right? And so I want to share something that... I wish I knew this. I wish I knew this like 28 years ago. And it's something that honestly, very recently, Holy Spirit brought to my heart. And so I just want to start out by this. When you think about God's going to send his son into the world, and he's got a... he's got to put his son into some woman because it's got to come through the womb of a woman. I often thought out of all the women in the world, why did he pick Mary? Right. And so the reason I'm sharing this with you is because I've always been fascinated by that thought. And then just recently, right. Cause I'm like, you got you, Mary has the responsibility of loving and caring for for the Son of God. And so one day, Holy Spirit actually said to me, well, so do you. I was like, wait a minute, hold up. What are you talking about? Right? Well, William Porter is my son. What do you mean, God? This is all about today, your perspective of your spouse. I want to talk about your perspective of your spouse, right? And so once the Lord put that in my heart, he's like, he's my son. Man, that changed some things for me, right? It's the way I treat God's son. Like, I started thinking about it different. The way I talk to God's son. The way I handle God's son. I didn't used to do that. You know, I... I used to call you some other things sometimes, right? But it's real important. Holy Spirit started showing me something different. And your spouse is God's child. And so we have the responsibility of handling God's child, loving God's child, caring for God's child, ministering to God's child changed everything for me. Yes,
Speaker #0
yes. And that takes a level of maturity too now because when you say... I'm God's son. Let's put it in perspective. Yes, I am God's son but I'm not your son.
Speaker #1
Right. I'm not your mama and you told me that.
Speaker #0
I mean, I only want to say that because now when you're husband and wife, that's not your father, that's not your mother so I can't be your father, you can't be my mother so we need to make sure that's in perspective. But if you look at from a biblical standpoint, yes, I am God's son and you are God's daughter so we have to treat each other in that respect. in that regards, because that's the truth. But we need to make sure you're not marrying your spouse. How do you perception of your spouse is not to marry them. That's not your parent.
Speaker #1
God's son.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Changed everything for me. And I know you felt the same way about me being God's daughter. And the moment that we recognize that and then put that into play, what did that do? How did that change some things? Yes.
Speaker #0
Well, I keep it on the forefront. I believe it keeps it on the forefront of who you are no matter how long. See, because sometimes we can get comfortable and we can get familiar. I understand my role in that is not to be him, but my role is to cover my wife like I should.
Speaker #1
Oh, I'm excited about that. You do a great job of that. So just that little change. And, you know, it only takes a moment to make an adjustment. And even if you don't feel that way at first, you know... you could say that keep saying it yeah you keep saying that you say oh when you get on my nerves and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say i'm gonna say this guy's son i gotta treat him right now hey guys i gotta handle this right i wanna be make sure that i'm honoring god in the way i honor my spouse
Speaker #0
And that don't mean you have to be silent. Now, I mean, if they're doing something, you got to bring that to their attention.
Speaker #1
So this is good because your God's son doesn't mean that I don't communicate with you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
It doesn't mean that we don't talk about conflict. It doesn't mean that we don't handle situations.
Speaker #0
And if it's something you like, it's okay to say, I didn't like when this happened. But so what can we do to change that? Or honey, I didn't like when you did that and let her express why she did it. And then at that point, you could determine, do that render for the discussion or it's okay. Okay. That's something that, you know, it's not that big of a deal. Pick, I believe, pick your battles and what your conversations are. Yeah. As as as a son and daughter of God or as a son and daughter of just your own parents, you pick your battles even with your spouse to where we don't want it to become the way we in a dogfight. We have a discussion on how we can better our communication and what it is, our perspective of our spouse. Yes.
Speaker #1
So I love that our perspective of one another. um, really has a lot to do with how we treat one another and, and just how we are around each other and the way we do things for each other. I know that, um, a lot of times I'll tell ladies, um, read first Peter three, right? And don't just read it. Let's pray this out. Cause it actually starts talking about how I could adore you and, how to esteem you and how to honor you and how to love you and all of these wonderful things that I'm doing for you. But guess what? As a man, so at that, shall he also be. So my perspective of my spouse can change even though he may not be doing the things I necessarily think he should be doing or behaving the way that I think you should be behaving, right? Because love is a demonstration. I love something that you said. You said love is bold.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Right? It's this bold commitment to our relationship. And so I'm going to do what's necessary. I'm going to do what God wants me to do. And sometimes it just takes faith to do that. You start putting these principles into play. You don't wait until they deserve it. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And this boat that love, this love, that's bold. Other people are going to see it and say, why do you do all that? You don't have to do this or do that. Whether it's checking in, I check in with my spouse if I'm out and I'm going to do some, I'm going to change my course. Why do you have to do that? Well, you do that because the perspective of your husband or your wife is I want them to know where I am. I don't go somewhere and just change my course over setting and I tell them three hours later. No, you need to be committed to that. To assuring where you are. Because they need to know your location. Just like you need to know this. If I'm in the house, you say, are you upstairs yet? Why? You want to know my location. Are you in the office? Yes. Why do I do that? I respect the perspective of my wife. If we are now one, one should know where the other half is, right? Not the thing we need to do. We need to come with a book and paper, a pad and a pencil when we come into this relationship. Why? I only know what I see my parents do. And you only know what you see your parents do, right? So that's all we know when it comes to husband.
Speaker #1
And other people around.
Speaker #0
And other people around. So if I'm coming and have to know my wife, I have to come really in. I'm starting from scratch because my wife is not going to be my mom's. I would love to marry someone like my mom, but some of the things my mom did, I wasn't impressed with. But can I say anything about it? No. But if my dad happy with it, then fine. But that's all we see. Or other people we see that close to us, do we want to I guess imitate what we've seen them do. Well, if that's not what you and your spouse agree to, you need to come with pen and pad because you started from scratch. And when you do that, you don't bring other things in that at some point you're going to have to evict in your relationship.
Speaker #1
You brought pen and paper?
Speaker #0
I did not. Listen, I wish I knew this 27 years ago, but
Speaker #1
I would recommend it.
Speaker #0
Taking notes. Taking notes. Taking the time to learn one another. Because she, listen, it's a whole nother picture from dating to saying I do. When you say I do, it's a whole new ballgame. Before you said I do, you could be watching a football game. And if you're, I guess at that time your fiance there, she's not going to turn the TV you're watching again. But if you say I do, she may come in and turn that TV and say, oh, I didn't know you was watching the game. Well, it's more of a commitment now. It's a committed heart because now everything is legal buying. I got papers on you. So really, the game changes because now... Now you're living together. Let's say you're living together, so now you got to share your space.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
All this, it brings about a change, adjustments. So if you're not careful, you'll come in with well, I was watching that. Why did you turn? Well, wait a minute.
Speaker #1
This TV thing is something.
Speaker #0
We share. Well, it's not. I'm using that because that's simple. But it don't have this is not it could be your car. If it's the car and now you're sharing a car You can't just get up and go where you want to go.
Speaker #1
Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker #0
It's a shared space now.
Speaker #1
This is why as soon as you talked about the car, it took me back to like some of the first things that we had issues with. Right. And if I had known then, OK, my perspective needs to be right. I might have handled some things differently. And I like people to know that they're. just because you don't agree doesn't mean that you guys should not be together.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And just because, right. Because of man, some are first knockdown drag out. And I don't mean physical fights, but you know, disagreements was, you know, about driving and all that kind of stuff. And trying to be the parent rather than being the spouse. Yeah. I know, I know somebody's at home saying, woo, yeah, say it, tell him, tell him, tell her, tell her.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and I mean, it's your structure. I mean, your structure will keep you inbound. Your structure will keep you out of bound. And what do I mean by that? Okay, for I married my wife, I have 20 years military. Discipline, structure, so that's all I know. So if I'm doing something and it's structured to me and somebody said, well, why do you do that? Now, in my mind, am I being questioned because of what I'm doing or I'm being questioned because I did something wrong. So in between that, I'm thinking all I know is structure. So if it need to deviate at all, I may not be well with that. But I need to come once again taking notes to where, OK, look, this is not that structure. So now you're going to have to adjust a little bit. And for me, that is a... It take work because all I know is structure, discipline, this, this. So to get out of that, it's out of my comfort zone.
Speaker #1
And I was more spontaneous, right? So here we are. Here's this friction already. And when you don't know better, you can't do better, right? So... At that time, you know, there was a lot of, you know, trying to tell the other person what to do and all that. Girl, that doesn't go over well. That doesn't go over well. And so you start learning wisdom. I'll tell you what, one of the things that Holy Spirit really helped me with, he's like, I'm a better Holy Spirit to him than you are. And so begin to pray some things out and begin to... learn some principles and seek godly counsel. And that's what we want to be for you, seek godly counsel.
Speaker #0
Well, just let's say in the beginning when we was driving, if I'm driving, I'm structured, I'm driving, and I drive the way I drive. So if you say to me, honey, why are you driving that way? For me, this is how I drive. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt me. But that may not be comfortable for you. So what I have to do if you say, honey, why are you driving that way? My first response would be, okay, I ain't going to argue. And I'll sit in the passenger side. And I believe you, I'm not going to say anything unless I see where it's danger for me. I'm not going to say nothing because if, if, if I'm focused in driving, whoa, watch that. Well, now my reactions change and it could call something for me. So I would say, honey, you can drive. If you'd like, I'll pull over and let you drive. Because at that time I can't go back and forth. I'm once again, I'm structured. So when I'm structured, when that's X, I, my mind, am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Because now it's pulling me off my focus.
Speaker #1
Okay, so one of the things that we learned is to dwell with each other according to knowledge. You start learning the ways of each other. We strongly recommend premarital counseling. Oh, please. And we do premarital counseling for couples. We strongly recommend good counseling premarital counseling that really goes in depth. That's going to ask a lot of questions, you do a lot of reflecting because a lot of the ways you are has to do with how you grew up. Exactly. The environment that you came out of, and here you guys come together and you come...you thought that y'all thought the same thing. Wait, you thought that you thought the same thing, and you thought that you guys talked about this, and you agreed that this is the way, yup, yup, that'll work, this is the way we're going to do it. And then all of a sudden you get married, and here come these situations and different And you realize that we've got these two different personalities and we've got, you know, two different ways of doing things, two different ways of being. And now we got to come together in this one house and we're going to work these things out. And, um, one of the things about you, you, you ain't going for that. Are you going in another room? No, we're getting ready to work this out. And so, um, commitment again, um, We're talking about committed hearts, right? Two people saying, "No, we're going to do whatever we need to do. We're going to work through some things and we're going to make this work and we're going to outlast this."
Speaker #0
Right. And if this can help anybody, the real deal here is forget what you think you know, forget what you thought you know, throw that out and you'll have a conversation where can we meet at and come up with something that we can agree to. So the power's in agreement. Once we can agree, we can move forward. But if you're one way doing some things, I'm one way doing some things. At that point, we're not in agreement. So it can't be your way. It can't be my way. So let's do this. What can we agree on to where it's both our ways? We can agree to do it and do that. Now you're starting on a path that you both agreed to. It's not my way. It's not your way. And what happens now is if I'm in agreement, I can commit to that because I'm in agreement with that. If I'm not in agreement with something, you're not committing. You may do it. to satisfy somebody, but that's not commitment. That's just doing it to really what? To just satisfy the individual. You're not satisfied. So commitment will be satisfying both people. And we agreed to doing it. Now you put the work in and what happens now, you starting a foundation for your marriage that you both are in agreement with, not a foundation that I'm not agreeing with that, a solid foundation. If it's not solid, it's going to cave at some point.
Speaker #1
So I would say start from scratch.
Speaker #0
From scratch.
Speaker #1
Even though we come in, with these ideas and, and these perceptions about what it's going to be like. Ooh, we're getting married. It's going to be wonderful. That whole thing. And just come in and let's talk about what we, what we see, what we want, how we're going to do this. And guess what? When the time comes For you to handle situations, you might have to go back and have this discussion again.
Speaker #0
Again, it's okay to have goosebumps. But when it comes to business, the goosebumps need to leave. And you need to really get down to business with the nuts and bolts. Hey, what are we going to do in this? What are we going to do in that? And why is that necessary? That's what starts a solid foundation to become committed to what it is you're doing.
Speaker #1
Okay, did you have goosebumps with me?
Speaker #0
Most certainly, I have them now.
Speaker #1
Come on in, Goosebump.
Speaker #0
But most certainly I love them. I have them right now. I mean, listen, this has been 27 years in and getting goosebumps. I've been getting goosebumps ever since I knew you. Still give you goosebumps. Absolutely, positively, yes.
Speaker #1
I love it. So this perception, the moment you accept, okay, this is the son of God, this is God's child, I got to handle this right. I got to take care of this right. We're very intentional about how we even talk to one another.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. I love waking up in the morning when you wake up in the morning because I'm normally up before you. And and I say to you, what can I do for you today? Or we say things like, oh, good God. I would often say to you, you good morning. Right. We do our good mornings. And then I'd say, how could it not be a great morning? I get to wake up next to you. Come on here. Come on here. I'm talking my talk. Yes, Could it not be a great morning and I get to wake up next to you? That's intentional. That don't have nothing to do with goosebumps.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Goosebumps don't make me talk like that. Oh, no,
Speaker #0
no. Goosebumps is just for that moment and then it go. If I'm not doing what you think I need to do for the goosebumps, then I'm not being, this is not good. Something wrong and this is not enjoyable. So really the goosebumps comes at a, let me see, that's temporary.
Speaker #1
Yes, sir.
Speaker #0
But what we're talking about, we've been doing so long, and we really mean it. It's genuine. It's from our heart. It's, yeah, this is not something I got to kinder up. It's in your heart. I'm speaking from my heart. The Bible says a man thinks of the God, so is he. I love you that way. So that's how I communicate. But we didn't start there. Right. But we've done it so much. So because now it's part of our communication. We committed to committed hearts speak love.
Speaker #1
Committed hearts speak love. So we're very intentional about how we talk to one another, how we treat one another because of our perception of one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
We recognize that this relationship is very important to us. Yes. And we're not going to fail.
Speaker #0
We're not going to fail.
Speaker #1
Divorce is not an option. It's not an option. And I don't plan on just being married. I plan on having a great marriage.
Speaker #0
And see, this is between me and you. You know, other people may want to be involved or may give input, but it's me and you. What you and I agree to do or committed to do, that's what we do.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So what do you call me?
Speaker #0
I call you love. I call you love. And then I make gorgeous. I'm always saying gorgeous. But I most certainly everything I say love. I think... some people think your name is love. I see it so much. I don't, I mean, I mean, you can ask our children. I don't know if any of our children ever heard me say Donna. I don't really know, but I want to say love.
Speaker #1
When, when you came into my life, um, you, you already have one son and your son as a little boy called me love. He probably thought my name was love until now. Of course he calls me mom, but, um, then he called, he called me love. Um, So intentional. Now your spouse doesn't have to deserve that. Your spouse doesn't have to earn that, right? You start operating these principles of faith and you start calling those things that be not as though they were. And what does that mean? That means you say what you want, right? Not what you have. And so you start talking this love language to one another. We speak kind to one another, right? And even when we're frustrated and mad, because we do get frustrated at times. We do get angry at times. But even at those times, you start disciplining yourself. That's right. And if you need to, you remove yourself. Remove yourself.
Speaker #0
Take a minute.
Speaker #1
Take a break.
Speaker #0
Take a break. You don't have to say everything that's going on in your mind. I learned that in the military. They say everything you see, you don't have to say it.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Some things I want you to be quiet about. And you learn that. So, you learn that in marriage. Everything you see, you don't have to say something. Now, if it's an issue, then you say it. But some things, you know, you can say, you know, that's no big deal.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. You know.
Speaker #0
But if everything you see, if you want to have a confrontation or... Then what's going to happen there is no one want to talk to someone that 100% of the time they're going to have a confrontation.
Speaker #1
No, this is so interesting. So, if you go back and think about how we started this conversation about God choosing Mary to be the mother of his son... And she's going to love and care for him. Right? And you start thinking about all that. And then you go, okay, well, God chose me to love and care for his son. And God chose you to love and care for his daughter. And then we start handling each other in that way because we understand that marriage is God's idea and that we're a billboard for God. Right? Our marriage is a billboard for him. And we want to represent him well. Right? We want to represent him well. So we're committed to this. That's right. We are so committed to this that we're willing to make changes. Yes. We're willing to make some adjustments. And you and I talk about every once in a while, man, how many adjustments that we've made. You adjust as many times as you need to adjust.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And it's worth it. Isn't it worth it?
Speaker #0
It's worth it because people do change over time. I mean, think about it. I mean, I love navy blue, but today I might like green. So people change as they get older, as life goes on. They change. So with the change, you need to find out, okay, well, they used to like that. Now they don't. So you're observing. You're always observing to see what do I need to implement? What's different?
Speaker #1
You never put the pen and paper up.
Speaker #0
Never.
Speaker #1
And I know we're saying pen and paper. But we're talking about paying attention.
Speaker #0
Paying attention. Observing. Never stop doing that. You know? And then sometimes, you know, I never knew that about you because you're not observing. If I do something, you say, I never knew that about you. Well, if this is the first time seeing it, then hold what you don't know. Watch and see if okay now. I can see that change.
Speaker #1
Or ask questions about it. Right,
Speaker #0
and it's okay. Now, I thought it was this way. Well, you did, but now a change has taken place. So the question would be, honey, I thought you liked purple, but I see you liking royal blue now. When did that change? And it's okay. Yeah, but ask the questions.
Speaker #1
Ask the questions. come with your pen and paper, be prepared to spend the rest of your life learning one another. Right? And enjoy the education.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Enjoy learning one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
So come with that perspective. Come knowing that my spouse is a gift. He's like, a gift? They getting on my nerves. No, your spouse is a gift.
Speaker #0
Even if they're getting on your nerves,
Speaker #1
it's still your gift. It's a gift.
Speaker #0
Think about it. Even if they're getting on your nerves, it's still a gift. How many people in your lifetime that got on your nerves but you still had to deal with them?
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So if my spouse is still my gift because you're getting on my nerves, guess what? Good gift. Stop getting on my nerves. What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #1
What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #0
And I'm committed. I commit my heart to the change. If I can help it better for my wife, if I can make it better for my wife, tell me what it is I need to do. And I want to make the adjustment.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. What do I need to do to make the change? Pay attention to your spouse first. Pay attention to what they like, how they do things. All of those things are real important in the relationship because you want to grow together. You want to learn one another and enjoy your years together because your perspective has everything to do with how your marriage will be. Glory to God. Man, this was good to me.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
It was good stuff.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
Thank you for having pen and paper and paying attention to me.
Speaker #0
Because I changed a lot And I keep it all the time You keep it all the time? All the time That's what I thought Here and here You're taking notes You know, a lot of folks saying I'm not being trained because someone is not Well, you know If you observe a person long enough You really can be trained Based off their actions That's probably the most effective training Is observing, watching, seeing Not hands on
Speaker #1
And then have great communication. We'll talk about that one time on the podcast. Anyway, no matter what it looks like, there's hope for your marriage.

Chapters

Opening Prayer & Welcome to Committed Hearts
0sec
Why This Conversation Could Change Your Marriage
1min
Seeing Your Spouse as God’s Son or Daughter
3min
You’re My Spouse — Not My Parent
7min
How Perspective Shapes How We Speak & Love
10min
Paying Attention: The Skill Every Marriage Needs
13min
Why Love Is Bold, Not Emotional
17min
Learning Each Other Through Observation
20min
Agreement vs Control in Marriage
23min
Building a Foundation That Lasts
26min

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Welcome to Committed Hearts, a weekly podcast for engaged and married couples who want to build a strong, lasting, and God-centered relationship, without pressure, perfection, or churchy overload.

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

What if the biggest shift your marriage needs is a change in perspective?

We discuss:

Why treating your spouse like a parent damages intimacy
How paying attention builds trust and emotional safety
The power of agreement over control
Why love is bold, intentional, and learned over time
How honoring God starts with how you honor your spouse

This conversation is honest, practical, and deeply encouraging for couples who want more than just staying married—they want a great marriage.

No perfection. No pressure. Just intentional love and committed hearts.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
um to committed heart podcast i'm william porter and i'm donna porter we'd like to start off with a word of prayer father that we thank you for as we come uh just on this podcast today we ask that all minds hearts and minds be open and just to receive what's being stated father god and apply it to their lives where it will change or impact their foundation of marriage i'm talking about strongly so we thank you father as we commit this podcast to you we most certainly want those that's listening to have a heart up to be changed in our heart to do better in their marriages we pray to the father in jesus name amen well we're so excited to have you with us today and we have an expectation that you're going to hear something
Speaker #1
that you need for your marriage today, right? And so I want to share something that... I wish I knew this. I wish I knew this like 28 years ago. And it's something that honestly, very recently, Holy Spirit brought to my heart. And so I just want to start out by this. When you think about God's going to send his son into the world, and he's got a... he's got to put his son into some woman because it's got to come through the womb of a woman. I often thought out of all the women in the world, why did he pick Mary? Right. And so the reason I'm sharing this with you is because I've always been fascinated by that thought. And then just recently, right. Cause I'm like, you got you, Mary has the responsibility of loving and caring for for the Son of God. And so one day, Holy Spirit actually said to me, well, so do you. I was like, wait a minute, hold up. What are you talking about? Right? Well, William Porter is my son. What do you mean, God? This is all about today, your perspective of your spouse. I want to talk about your perspective of your spouse, right? And so once the Lord put that in my heart, he's like, he's my son. Man, that changed some things for me, right? It's the way I treat God's son. Like, I started thinking about it different. The way I talk to God's son. The way I handle God's son. I didn't used to do that. You know, I... I used to call you some other things sometimes, right? But it's real important. Holy Spirit started showing me something different. And your spouse is God's child. And so we have the responsibility of handling God's child, loving God's child, caring for God's child, ministering to God's child changed everything for me. Yes,
Speaker #0
yes. And that takes a level of maturity too now because when you say... I'm God's son. Let's put it in perspective. Yes, I am God's son but I'm not your son.
Speaker #1
Right. I'm not your mama and you told me that.
Speaker #0
I mean, I only want to say that because now when you're husband and wife, that's not your father, that's not your mother so I can't be your father, you can't be my mother so we need to make sure that's in perspective. But if you look at from a biblical standpoint, yes, I am God's son and you are God's daughter so we have to treat each other in that respect. in that regards, because that's the truth. But we need to make sure you're not marrying your spouse. How do you perception of your spouse is not to marry them. That's not your parent.
Speaker #1
God's son.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Changed everything for me. And I know you felt the same way about me being God's daughter. And the moment that we recognize that and then put that into play, what did that do? How did that change some things? Yes.
Speaker #0
Well, I keep it on the forefront. I believe it keeps it on the forefront of who you are no matter how long. See, because sometimes we can get comfortable and we can get familiar. I understand my role in that is not to be him, but my role is to cover my wife like I should.
Speaker #1
Oh, I'm excited about that. You do a great job of that. So just that little change. And, you know, it only takes a moment to make an adjustment. And even if you don't feel that way at first, you know... you could say that keep saying it yeah you keep saying that you say oh when you get on my nerves and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say i'm gonna say this guy's son i gotta treat him right now hey guys i gotta handle this right i wanna be make sure that i'm honoring god in the way i honor my spouse
Speaker #0
And that don't mean you have to be silent. Now, I mean, if they're doing something, you got to bring that to their attention.
Speaker #1
So this is good because your God's son doesn't mean that I don't communicate with you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
It doesn't mean that we don't talk about conflict. It doesn't mean that we don't handle situations.
Speaker #0
And if it's something you like, it's okay to say, I didn't like when this happened. But so what can we do to change that? Or honey, I didn't like when you did that and let her express why she did it. And then at that point, you could determine, do that render for the discussion or it's okay. Okay. That's something that, you know, it's not that big of a deal. Pick, I believe, pick your battles and what your conversations are. Yeah. As as as a son and daughter of God or as a son and daughter of just your own parents, you pick your battles even with your spouse to where we don't want it to become the way we in a dogfight. We have a discussion on how we can better our communication and what it is, our perspective of our spouse. Yes.
Speaker #1
So I love that our perspective of one another. um, really has a lot to do with how we treat one another and, and just how we are around each other and the way we do things for each other. I know that, um, a lot of times I'll tell ladies, um, read first Peter three, right? And don't just read it. Let's pray this out. Cause it actually starts talking about how I could adore you and, how to esteem you and how to honor you and how to love you and all of these wonderful things that I'm doing for you. But guess what? As a man, so at that, shall he also be. So my perspective of my spouse can change even though he may not be doing the things I necessarily think he should be doing or behaving the way that I think you should be behaving, right? Because love is a demonstration. I love something that you said. You said love is bold.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Right? It's this bold commitment to our relationship. And so I'm going to do what's necessary. I'm going to do what God wants me to do. And sometimes it just takes faith to do that. You start putting these principles into play. You don't wait until they deserve it. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And this boat that love, this love, that's bold. Other people are going to see it and say, why do you do all that? You don't have to do this or do that. Whether it's checking in, I check in with my spouse if I'm out and I'm going to do some, I'm going to change my course. Why do you have to do that? Well, you do that because the perspective of your husband or your wife is I want them to know where I am. I don't go somewhere and just change my course over setting and I tell them three hours later. No, you need to be committed to that. To assuring where you are. Because they need to know your location. Just like you need to know this. If I'm in the house, you say, are you upstairs yet? Why? You want to know my location. Are you in the office? Yes. Why do I do that? I respect the perspective of my wife. If we are now one, one should know where the other half is, right? Not the thing we need to do. We need to come with a book and paper, a pad and a pencil when we come into this relationship. Why? I only know what I see my parents do. And you only know what you see your parents do, right? So that's all we know when it comes to husband.
Speaker #1
And other people around.
Speaker #0
And other people around. So if I'm coming and have to know my wife, I have to come really in. I'm starting from scratch because my wife is not going to be my mom's. I would love to marry someone like my mom, but some of the things my mom did, I wasn't impressed with. But can I say anything about it? No. But if my dad happy with it, then fine. But that's all we see. Or other people we see that close to us, do we want to I guess imitate what we've seen them do. Well, if that's not what you and your spouse agree to, you need to come with pen and pad because you started from scratch. And when you do that, you don't bring other things in that at some point you're going to have to evict in your relationship.
Speaker #1
You brought pen and paper?
Speaker #0
I did not. Listen, I wish I knew this 27 years ago, but
Speaker #1
I would recommend it.
Speaker #0
Taking notes. Taking notes. Taking the time to learn one another. Because she, listen, it's a whole nother picture from dating to saying I do. When you say I do, it's a whole new ballgame. Before you said I do, you could be watching a football game. And if you're, I guess at that time your fiance there, she's not going to turn the TV you're watching again. But if you say I do, she may come in and turn that TV and say, oh, I didn't know you was watching the game. Well, it's more of a commitment now. It's a committed heart because now everything is legal buying. I got papers on you. So really, the game changes because now... Now you're living together. Let's say you're living together, so now you got to share your space.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
All this, it brings about a change, adjustments. So if you're not careful, you'll come in with well, I was watching that. Why did you turn? Well, wait a minute.
Speaker #1
This TV thing is something.
Speaker #0
We share. Well, it's not. I'm using that because that's simple. But it don't have this is not it could be your car. If it's the car and now you're sharing a car You can't just get up and go where you want to go.
Speaker #1
Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker #0
It's a shared space now.
Speaker #1
This is why as soon as you talked about the car, it took me back to like some of the first things that we had issues with. Right. And if I had known then, OK, my perspective needs to be right. I might have handled some things differently. And I like people to know that they're. just because you don't agree doesn't mean that you guys should not be together.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And just because, right. Because of man, some are first knockdown drag out. And I don't mean physical fights, but you know, disagreements was, you know, about driving and all that kind of stuff. And trying to be the parent rather than being the spouse. Yeah. I know, I know somebody's at home saying, woo, yeah, say it, tell him, tell him, tell her, tell her.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and I mean, it's your structure. I mean, your structure will keep you inbound. Your structure will keep you out of bound. And what do I mean by that? Okay, for I married my wife, I have 20 years military. Discipline, structure, so that's all I know. So if I'm doing something and it's structured to me and somebody said, well, why do you do that? Now, in my mind, am I being questioned because of what I'm doing or I'm being questioned because I did something wrong. So in between that, I'm thinking all I know is structure. So if it need to deviate at all, I may not be well with that. But I need to come once again taking notes to where, OK, look, this is not that structure. So now you're going to have to adjust a little bit. And for me, that is a... It take work because all I know is structure, discipline, this, this. So to get out of that, it's out of my comfort zone.
Speaker #1
And I was more spontaneous, right? So here we are. Here's this friction already. And when you don't know better, you can't do better, right? So... At that time, you know, there was a lot of, you know, trying to tell the other person what to do and all that. Girl, that doesn't go over well. That doesn't go over well. And so you start learning wisdom. I'll tell you what, one of the things that Holy Spirit really helped me with, he's like, I'm a better Holy Spirit to him than you are. And so begin to pray some things out and begin to... learn some principles and seek godly counsel. And that's what we want to be for you, seek godly counsel.
Speaker #0
Well, just let's say in the beginning when we was driving, if I'm driving, I'm structured, I'm driving, and I drive the way I drive. So if you say to me, honey, why are you driving that way? For me, this is how I drive. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt me. But that may not be comfortable for you. So what I have to do if you say, honey, why are you driving that way? My first response would be, okay, I ain't going to argue. And I'll sit in the passenger side. And I believe you, I'm not going to say anything unless I see where it's danger for me. I'm not going to say nothing because if, if, if I'm focused in driving, whoa, watch that. Well, now my reactions change and it could call something for me. So I would say, honey, you can drive. If you'd like, I'll pull over and let you drive. Because at that time I can't go back and forth. I'm once again, I'm structured. So when I'm structured, when that's X, I, my mind, am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Because now it's pulling me off my focus.
Speaker #1
Okay, so one of the things that we learned is to dwell with each other according to knowledge. You start learning the ways of each other. We strongly recommend premarital counseling. Oh, please. And we do premarital counseling for couples. We strongly recommend good counseling premarital counseling that really goes in depth. That's going to ask a lot of questions, you do a lot of reflecting because a lot of the ways you are has to do with how you grew up. Exactly. The environment that you came out of, and here you guys come together and you come...you thought that y'all thought the same thing. Wait, you thought that you thought the same thing, and you thought that you guys talked about this, and you agreed that this is the way, yup, yup, that'll work, this is the way we're going to do it. And then all of a sudden you get married, and here come these situations and different And you realize that we've got these two different personalities and we've got, you know, two different ways of doing things, two different ways of being. And now we got to come together in this one house and we're going to work these things out. And, um, one of the things about you, you, you ain't going for that. Are you going in another room? No, we're getting ready to work this out. And so, um, commitment again, um, We're talking about committed hearts, right? Two people saying, "No, we're going to do whatever we need to do. We're going to work through some things and we're going to make this work and we're going to outlast this."
Speaker #0
Right. And if this can help anybody, the real deal here is forget what you think you know, forget what you thought you know, throw that out and you'll have a conversation where can we meet at and come up with something that we can agree to. So the power's in agreement. Once we can agree, we can move forward. But if you're one way doing some things, I'm one way doing some things. At that point, we're not in agreement. So it can't be your way. It can't be my way. So let's do this. What can we agree on to where it's both our ways? We can agree to do it and do that. Now you're starting on a path that you both agreed to. It's not my way. It's not your way. And what happens now is if I'm in agreement, I can commit to that because I'm in agreement with that. If I'm not in agreement with something, you're not committing. You may do it. to satisfy somebody, but that's not commitment. That's just doing it to really what? To just satisfy the individual. You're not satisfied. So commitment will be satisfying both people. And we agreed to doing it. Now you put the work in and what happens now, you starting a foundation for your marriage that you both are in agreement with, not a foundation that I'm not agreeing with that, a solid foundation. If it's not solid, it's going to cave at some point.
Speaker #1
So I would say start from scratch.
Speaker #0
From scratch.
Speaker #1
Even though we come in, with these ideas and, and these perceptions about what it's going to be like. Ooh, we're getting married. It's going to be wonderful. That whole thing. And just come in and let's talk about what we, what we see, what we want, how we're going to do this. And guess what? When the time comes For you to handle situations, you might have to go back and have this discussion again.
Speaker #0
Again, it's okay to have goosebumps. But when it comes to business, the goosebumps need to leave. And you need to really get down to business with the nuts and bolts. Hey, what are we going to do in this? What are we going to do in that? And why is that necessary? That's what starts a solid foundation to become committed to what it is you're doing.
Speaker #1
Okay, did you have goosebumps with me?
Speaker #0
Most certainly, I have them now.
Speaker #1
Come on in, Goosebump.
Speaker #0
But most certainly I love them. I have them right now. I mean, listen, this has been 27 years in and getting goosebumps. I've been getting goosebumps ever since I knew you. Still give you goosebumps. Absolutely, positively, yes.
Speaker #1
I love it. So this perception, the moment you accept, okay, this is the son of God, this is God's child, I got to handle this right. I got to take care of this right. We're very intentional about how we even talk to one another.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. I love waking up in the morning when you wake up in the morning because I'm normally up before you. And and I say to you, what can I do for you today? Or we say things like, oh, good God. I would often say to you, you good morning. Right. We do our good mornings. And then I'd say, how could it not be a great morning? I get to wake up next to you. Come on here. Come on here. I'm talking my talk. Yes, Could it not be a great morning and I get to wake up next to you? That's intentional. That don't have nothing to do with goosebumps.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Goosebumps don't make me talk like that. Oh, no,
Speaker #0
no. Goosebumps is just for that moment and then it go. If I'm not doing what you think I need to do for the goosebumps, then I'm not being, this is not good. Something wrong and this is not enjoyable. So really the goosebumps comes at a, let me see, that's temporary.
Speaker #1
Yes, sir.
Speaker #0
But what we're talking about, we've been doing so long, and we really mean it. It's genuine. It's from our heart. It's, yeah, this is not something I got to kinder up. It's in your heart. I'm speaking from my heart. The Bible says a man thinks of the God, so is he. I love you that way. So that's how I communicate. But we didn't start there. Right. But we've done it so much. So because now it's part of our communication. We committed to committed hearts speak love.
Speaker #1
Committed hearts speak love. So we're very intentional about how we talk to one another, how we treat one another because of our perception of one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
We recognize that this relationship is very important to us. Yes. And we're not going to fail.
Speaker #0
We're not going to fail.
Speaker #1
Divorce is not an option. It's not an option. And I don't plan on just being married. I plan on having a great marriage.
Speaker #0
And see, this is between me and you. You know, other people may want to be involved or may give input, but it's me and you. What you and I agree to do or committed to do, that's what we do.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So what do you call me?
Speaker #0
I call you love. I call you love. And then I make gorgeous. I'm always saying gorgeous. But I most certainly everything I say love. I think... some people think your name is love. I see it so much. I don't, I mean, I mean, you can ask our children. I don't know if any of our children ever heard me say Donna. I don't really know, but I want to say love.
Speaker #1
When, when you came into my life, um, you, you already have one son and your son as a little boy called me love. He probably thought my name was love until now. Of course he calls me mom, but, um, then he called, he called me love. Um, So intentional. Now your spouse doesn't have to deserve that. Your spouse doesn't have to earn that, right? You start operating these principles of faith and you start calling those things that be not as though they were. And what does that mean? That means you say what you want, right? Not what you have. And so you start talking this love language to one another. We speak kind to one another, right? And even when we're frustrated and mad, because we do get frustrated at times. We do get angry at times. But even at those times, you start disciplining yourself. That's right. And if you need to, you remove yourself. Remove yourself.
Speaker #0
Take a minute.
Speaker #1
Take a break.
Speaker #0
Take a break. You don't have to say everything that's going on in your mind. I learned that in the military. They say everything you see, you don't have to say it.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Some things I want you to be quiet about. And you learn that. So, you learn that in marriage. Everything you see, you don't have to say something. Now, if it's an issue, then you say it. But some things, you know, you can say, you know, that's no big deal.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. You know.
Speaker #0
But if everything you see, if you want to have a confrontation or... Then what's going to happen there is no one want to talk to someone that 100% of the time they're going to have a confrontation.
Speaker #1
No, this is so interesting. So, if you go back and think about how we started this conversation about God choosing Mary to be the mother of his son... And she's going to love and care for him. Right? And you start thinking about all that. And then you go, okay, well, God chose me to love and care for his son. And God chose you to love and care for his daughter. And then we start handling each other in that way because we understand that marriage is God's idea and that we're a billboard for God. Right? Our marriage is a billboard for him. And we want to represent him well. Right? We want to represent him well. So we're committed to this. That's right. We are so committed to this that we're willing to make changes. Yes. We're willing to make some adjustments. And you and I talk about every once in a while, man, how many adjustments that we've made. You adjust as many times as you need to adjust.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And it's worth it. Isn't it worth it?
Speaker #0
It's worth it because people do change over time. I mean, think about it. I mean, I love navy blue, but today I might like green. So people change as they get older, as life goes on. They change. So with the change, you need to find out, okay, well, they used to like that. Now they don't. So you're observing. You're always observing to see what do I need to implement? What's different?
Speaker #1
You never put the pen and paper up.
Speaker #0
Never.
Speaker #1
And I know we're saying pen and paper. But we're talking about paying attention.
Speaker #0
Paying attention. Observing. Never stop doing that. You know? And then sometimes, you know, I never knew that about you because you're not observing. If I do something, you say, I never knew that about you. Well, if this is the first time seeing it, then hold what you don't know. Watch and see if okay now. I can see that change.
Speaker #1
Or ask questions about it. Right,
Speaker #0
and it's okay. Now, I thought it was this way. Well, you did, but now a change has taken place. So the question would be, honey, I thought you liked purple, but I see you liking royal blue now. When did that change? And it's okay. Yeah, but ask the questions.
Speaker #1
Ask the questions. come with your pen and paper, be prepared to spend the rest of your life learning one another. Right? And enjoy the education.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Enjoy learning one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
So come with that perspective. Come knowing that my spouse is a gift. He's like, a gift? They getting on my nerves. No, your spouse is a gift.
Speaker #0
Even if they're getting on your nerves,
Speaker #1
it's still your gift. It's a gift.
Speaker #0
Think about it. Even if they're getting on your nerves, it's still a gift. How many people in your lifetime that got on your nerves but you still had to deal with them?
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So if my spouse is still my gift because you're getting on my nerves, guess what? Good gift. Stop getting on my nerves. What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #1
What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #0
And I'm committed. I commit my heart to the change. If I can help it better for my wife, if I can make it better for my wife, tell me what it is I need to do. And I want to make the adjustment.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. What do I need to do to make the change? Pay attention to your spouse first. Pay attention to what they like, how they do things. All of those things are real important in the relationship because you want to grow together. You want to learn one another and enjoy your years together because your perspective has everything to do with how your marriage will be. Glory to God. Man, this was good to me.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
It was good stuff.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
Thank you for having pen and paper and paying attention to me.
Speaker #0
Because I changed a lot And I keep it all the time You keep it all the time? All the time That's what I thought Here and here You're taking notes You know, a lot of folks saying I'm not being trained because someone is not Well, you know If you observe a person long enough You really can be trained Based off their actions That's probably the most effective training Is observing, watching, seeing Not hands on
Speaker #1
And then have great communication. We'll talk about that one time on the podcast. Anyway, no matter what it looks like, there's hope for your marriage.

Chapters

Opening Prayer & Welcome to Committed Hearts
0sec
Why This Conversation Could Change Your Marriage
1min
Seeing Your Spouse as God’s Son or Daughter
3min
You’re My Spouse — Not My Parent
7min
How Perspective Shapes How We Speak & Love
10min
Paying Attention: The Skill Every Marriage Needs
13min
Why Love Is Bold, Not Emotional
17min
Learning Each Other Through Observation
20min
Agreement vs Control in Marriage
23min
Building a Foundation That Lasts
26min

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Embed

Opening Prayer & Welcome to Committed Hearts

0sec

Why This Conversation Could Change Your Marriage

1min

Seeing Your Spouse as God’s Son or Daughter

3min

You’re My Spouse — Not My Parent

7min

How Perspective Shapes How We Speak & Love

10min

Paying Attention: The Skill Every Marriage Needs

13min

Why Love Is Bold, Not Emotional

17min

Learning Each Other Through Observation

20min

Agreement vs Control in Marriage

23min

Building a Foundation That Lasts

26min

Transcription

Speaker #0
um to committed heart podcast i'm william porter and i'm donna porter we'd like to start off with a word of prayer father that we thank you for as we come uh just on this podcast today we ask that all minds hearts and minds be open and just to receive what's being stated father god and apply it to their lives where it will change or impact their foundation of marriage i'm talking about strongly so we thank you father as we commit this podcast to you we most certainly want those that's listening to have a heart up to be changed in our heart to do better in their marriages we pray to the father in jesus name amen well we're so excited to have you with us today and we have an expectation that you're going to hear something
Speaker #1
that you need for your marriage today, right? And so I want to share something that... I wish I knew this. I wish I knew this like 28 years ago. And it's something that honestly, very recently, Holy Spirit brought to my heart. And so I just want to start out by this. When you think about God's going to send his son into the world, and he's got a... he's got to put his son into some woman because it's got to come through the womb of a woman. I often thought out of all the women in the world, why did he pick Mary? Right. And so the reason I'm sharing this with you is because I've always been fascinated by that thought. And then just recently, right. Cause I'm like, you got you, Mary has the responsibility of loving and caring for for the Son of God. And so one day, Holy Spirit actually said to me, well, so do you. I was like, wait a minute, hold up. What are you talking about? Right? Well, William Porter is my son. What do you mean, God? This is all about today, your perspective of your spouse. I want to talk about your perspective of your spouse, right? And so once the Lord put that in my heart, he's like, he's my son. Man, that changed some things for me, right? It's the way I treat God's son. Like, I started thinking about it different. The way I talk to God's son. The way I handle God's son. I didn't used to do that. You know, I... I used to call you some other things sometimes, right? But it's real important. Holy Spirit started showing me something different. And your spouse is God's child. And so we have the responsibility of handling God's child, loving God's child, caring for God's child, ministering to God's child changed everything for me. Yes,
Speaker #0
yes. And that takes a level of maturity too now because when you say... I'm God's son. Let's put it in perspective. Yes, I am God's son but I'm not your son.
Speaker #1
Right. I'm not your mama and you told me that.
Speaker #0
I mean, I only want to say that because now when you're husband and wife, that's not your father, that's not your mother so I can't be your father, you can't be my mother so we need to make sure that's in perspective. But if you look at from a biblical standpoint, yes, I am God's son and you are God's daughter so we have to treat each other in that respect. in that regards, because that's the truth. But we need to make sure you're not marrying your spouse. How do you perception of your spouse is not to marry them. That's not your parent.
Speaker #1
God's son.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Changed everything for me. And I know you felt the same way about me being God's daughter. And the moment that we recognize that and then put that into play, what did that do? How did that change some things? Yes.
Speaker #0
Well, I keep it on the forefront. I believe it keeps it on the forefront of who you are no matter how long. See, because sometimes we can get comfortable and we can get familiar. I understand my role in that is not to be him, but my role is to cover my wife like I should.
Speaker #1
Oh, I'm excited about that. You do a great job of that. So just that little change. And, you know, it only takes a moment to make an adjustment. And even if you don't feel that way at first, you know... you could say that keep saying it yeah you keep saying that you say oh when you get on my nerves and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say i'm gonna say this guy's son i gotta treat him right now hey guys i gotta handle this right i wanna be make sure that i'm honoring god in the way i honor my spouse
Speaker #0
And that don't mean you have to be silent. Now, I mean, if they're doing something, you got to bring that to their attention.
Speaker #1
So this is good because your God's son doesn't mean that I don't communicate with you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
It doesn't mean that we don't talk about conflict. It doesn't mean that we don't handle situations.
Speaker #0
And if it's something you like, it's okay to say, I didn't like when this happened. But so what can we do to change that? Or honey, I didn't like when you did that and let her express why she did it. And then at that point, you could determine, do that render for the discussion or it's okay. Okay. That's something that, you know, it's not that big of a deal. Pick, I believe, pick your battles and what your conversations are. Yeah. As as as a son and daughter of God or as a son and daughter of just your own parents, you pick your battles even with your spouse to where we don't want it to become the way we in a dogfight. We have a discussion on how we can better our communication and what it is, our perspective of our spouse. Yes.
Speaker #1
So I love that our perspective of one another. um, really has a lot to do with how we treat one another and, and just how we are around each other and the way we do things for each other. I know that, um, a lot of times I'll tell ladies, um, read first Peter three, right? And don't just read it. Let's pray this out. Cause it actually starts talking about how I could adore you and, how to esteem you and how to honor you and how to love you and all of these wonderful things that I'm doing for you. But guess what? As a man, so at that, shall he also be. So my perspective of my spouse can change even though he may not be doing the things I necessarily think he should be doing or behaving the way that I think you should be behaving, right? Because love is a demonstration. I love something that you said. You said love is bold.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Right? It's this bold commitment to our relationship. And so I'm going to do what's necessary. I'm going to do what God wants me to do. And sometimes it just takes faith to do that. You start putting these principles into play. You don't wait until they deserve it. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And this boat that love, this love, that's bold. Other people are going to see it and say, why do you do all that? You don't have to do this or do that. Whether it's checking in, I check in with my spouse if I'm out and I'm going to do some, I'm going to change my course. Why do you have to do that? Well, you do that because the perspective of your husband or your wife is I want them to know where I am. I don't go somewhere and just change my course over setting and I tell them three hours later. No, you need to be committed to that. To assuring where you are. Because they need to know your location. Just like you need to know this. If I'm in the house, you say, are you upstairs yet? Why? You want to know my location. Are you in the office? Yes. Why do I do that? I respect the perspective of my wife. If we are now one, one should know where the other half is, right? Not the thing we need to do. We need to come with a book and paper, a pad and a pencil when we come into this relationship. Why? I only know what I see my parents do. And you only know what you see your parents do, right? So that's all we know when it comes to husband.
Speaker #1
And other people around.
Speaker #0
And other people around. So if I'm coming and have to know my wife, I have to come really in. I'm starting from scratch because my wife is not going to be my mom's. I would love to marry someone like my mom, but some of the things my mom did, I wasn't impressed with. But can I say anything about it? No. But if my dad happy with it, then fine. But that's all we see. Or other people we see that close to us, do we want to I guess imitate what we've seen them do. Well, if that's not what you and your spouse agree to, you need to come with pen and pad because you started from scratch. And when you do that, you don't bring other things in that at some point you're going to have to evict in your relationship.
Speaker #1
You brought pen and paper?
Speaker #0
I did not. Listen, I wish I knew this 27 years ago, but
Speaker #1
I would recommend it.
Speaker #0
Taking notes. Taking notes. Taking the time to learn one another. Because she, listen, it's a whole nother picture from dating to saying I do. When you say I do, it's a whole new ballgame. Before you said I do, you could be watching a football game. And if you're, I guess at that time your fiance there, she's not going to turn the TV you're watching again. But if you say I do, she may come in and turn that TV and say, oh, I didn't know you was watching the game. Well, it's more of a commitment now. It's a committed heart because now everything is legal buying. I got papers on you. So really, the game changes because now... Now you're living together. Let's say you're living together, so now you got to share your space.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
All this, it brings about a change, adjustments. So if you're not careful, you'll come in with well, I was watching that. Why did you turn? Well, wait a minute.
Speaker #1
This TV thing is something.
Speaker #0
We share. Well, it's not. I'm using that because that's simple. But it don't have this is not it could be your car. If it's the car and now you're sharing a car You can't just get up and go where you want to go.
Speaker #1
Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker #0
It's a shared space now.
Speaker #1
This is why as soon as you talked about the car, it took me back to like some of the first things that we had issues with. Right. And if I had known then, OK, my perspective needs to be right. I might have handled some things differently. And I like people to know that they're. just because you don't agree doesn't mean that you guys should not be together.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And just because, right. Because of man, some are first knockdown drag out. And I don't mean physical fights, but you know, disagreements was, you know, about driving and all that kind of stuff. And trying to be the parent rather than being the spouse. Yeah. I know, I know somebody's at home saying, woo, yeah, say it, tell him, tell him, tell her, tell her.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and I mean, it's your structure. I mean, your structure will keep you inbound. Your structure will keep you out of bound. And what do I mean by that? Okay, for I married my wife, I have 20 years military. Discipline, structure, so that's all I know. So if I'm doing something and it's structured to me and somebody said, well, why do you do that? Now, in my mind, am I being questioned because of what I'm doing or I'm being questioned because I did something wrong. So in between that, I'm thinking all I know is structure. So if it need to deviate at all, I may not be well with that. But I need to come once again taking notes to where, OK, look, this is not that structure. So now you're going to have to adjust a little bit. And for me, that is a... It take work because all I know is structure, discipline, this, this. So to get out of that, it's out of my comfort zone.
Speaker #1
And I was more spontaneous, right? So here we are. Here's this friction already. And when you don't know better, you can't do better, right? So... At that time, you know, there was a lot of, you know, trying to tell the other person what to do and all that. Girl, that doesn't go over well. That doesn't go over well. And so you start learning wisdom. I'll tell you what, one of the things that Holy Spirit really helped me with, he's like, I'm a better Holy Spirit to him than you are. And so begin to pray some things out and begin to... learn some principles and seek godly counsel. And that's what we want to be for you, seek godly counsel.
Speaker #0
Well, just let's say in the beginning when we was driving, if I'm driving, I'm structured, I'm driving, and I drive the way I drive. So if you say to me, honey, why are you driving that way? For me, this is how I drive. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt me. But that may not be comfortable for you. So what I have to do if you say, honey, why are you driving that way? My first response would be, okay, I ain't going to argue. And I'll sit in the passenger side. And I believe you, I'm not going to say anything unless I see where it's danger for me. I'm not going to say nothing because if, if, if I'm focused in driving, whoa, watch that. Well, now my reactions change and it could call something for me. So I would say, honey, you can drive. If you'd like, I'll pull over and let you drive. Because at that time I can't go back and forth. I'm once again, I'm structured. So when I'm structured, when that's X, I, my mind, am I doing something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Because now it's pulling me off my focus.
Speaker #1
Okay, so one of the things that we learned is to dwell with each other according to knowledge. You start learning the ways of each other. We strongly recommend premarital counseling. Oh, please. And we do premarital counseling for couples. We strongly recommend good counseling premarital counseling that really goes in depth. That's going to ask a lot of questions, you do a lot of reflecting because a lot of the ways you are has to do with how you grew up. Exactly. The environment that you came out of, and here you guys come together and you come...you thought that y'all thought the same thing. Wait, you thought that you thought the same thing, and you thought that you guys talked about this, and you agreed that this is the way, yup, yup, that'll work, this is the way we're going to do it. And then all of a sudden you get married, and here come these situations and different And you realize that we've got these two different personalities and we've got, you know, two different ways of doing things, two different ways of being. And now we got to come together in this one house and we're going to work these things out. And, um, one of the things about you, you, you ain't going for that. Are you going in another room? No, we're getting ready to work this out. And so, um, commitment again, um, We're talking about committed hearts, right? Two people saying, "No, we're going to do whatever we need to do. We're going to work through some things and we're going to make this work and we're going to outlast this."
Speaker #0
Right. And if this can help anybody, the real deal here is forget what you think you know, forget what you thought you know, throw that out and you'll have a conversation where can we meet at and come up with something that we can agree to. So the power's in agreement. Once we can agree, we can move forward. But if you're one way doing some things, I'm one way doing some things. At that point, we're not in agreement. So it can't be your way. It can't be my way. So let's do this. What can we agree on to where it's both our ways? We can agree to do it and do that. Now you're starting on a path that you both agreed to. It's not my way. It's not your way. And what happens now is if I'm in agreement, I can commit to that because I'm in agreement with that. If I'm not in agreement with something, you're not committing. You may do it. to satisfy somebody, but that's not commitment. That's just doing it to really what? To just satisfy the individual. You're not satisfied. So commitment will be satisfying both people. And we agreed to doing it. Now you put the work in and what happens now, you starting a foundation for your marriage that you both are in agreement with, not a foundation that I'm not agreeing with that, a solid foundation. If it's not solid, it's going to cave at some point.
Speaker #1
So I would say start from scratch.
Speaker #0
From scratch.
Speaker #1
Even though we come in, with these ideas and, and these perceptions about what it's going to be like. Ooh, we're getting married. It's going to be wonderful. That whole thing. And just come in and let's talk about what we, what we see, what we want, how we're going to do this. And guess what? When the time comes For you to handle situations, you might have to go back and have this discussion again.
Speaker #0
Again, it's okay to have goosebumps. But when it comes to business, the goosebumps need to leave. And you need to really get down to business with the nuts and bolts. Hey, what are we going to do in this? What are we going to do in that? And why is that necessary? That's what starts a solid foundation to become committed to what it is you're doing.
Speaker #1
Okay, did you have goosebumps with me?
Speaker #0
Most certainly, I have them now.
Speaker #1
Come on in, Goosebump.
Speaker #0
But most certainly I love them. I have them right now. I mean, listen, this has been 27 years in and getting goosebumps. I've been getting goosebumps ever since I knew you. Still give you goosebumps. Absolutely, positively, yes.
Speaker #1
I love it. So this perception, the moment you accept, okay, this is the son of God, this is God's child, I got to handle this right. I got to take care of this right. We're very intentional about how we even talk to one another.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. I love waking up in the morning when you wake up in the morning because I'm normally up before you. And and I say to you, what can I do for you today? Or we say things like, oh, good God. I would often say to you, you good morning. Right. We do our good mornings. And then I'd say, how could it not be a great morning? I get to wake up next to you. Come on here. Come on here. I'm talking my talk. Yes, Could it not be a great morning and I get to wake up next to you? That's intentional. That don't have nothing to do with goosebumps.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Goosebumps don't make me talk like that. Oh, no,
Speaker #0
no. Goosebumps is just for that moment and then it go. If I'm not doing what you think I need to do for the goosebumps, then I'm not being, this is not good. Something wrong and this is not enjoyable. So really the goosebumps comes at a, let me see, that's temporary.
Speaker #1
Yes, sir.
Speaker #0
But what we're talking about, we've been doing so long, and we really mean it. It's genuine. It's from our heart. It's, yeah, this is not something I got to kinder up. It's in your heart. I'm speaking from my heart. The Bible says a man thinks of the God, so is he. I love you that way. So that's how I communicate. But we didn't start there. Right. But we've done it so much. So because now it's part of our communication. We committed to committed hearts speak love.
Speaker #1
Committed hearts speak love. So we're very intentional about how we talk to one another, how we treat one another because of our perception of one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
We recognize that this relationship is very important to us. Yes. And we're not going to fail.
Speaker #0
We're not going to fail.
Speaker #1
Divorce is not an option. It's not an option. And I don't plan on just being married. I plan on having a great marriage.
Speaker #0
And see, this is between me and you. You know, other people may want to be involved or may give input, but it's me and you. What you and I agree to do or committed to do, that's what we do.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So what do you call me?
Speaker #0
I call you love. I call you love. And then I make gorgeous. I'm always saying gorgeous. But I most certainly everything I say love. I think... some people think your name is love. I see it so much. I don't, I mean, I mean, you can ask our children. I don't know if any of our children ever heard me say Donna. I don't really know, but I want to say love.
Speaker #1
When, when you came into my life, um, you, you already have one son and your son as a little boy called me love. He probably thought my name was love until now. Of course he calls me mom, but, um, then he called, he called me love. Um, So intentional. Now your spouse doesn't have to deserve that. Your spouse doesn't have to earn that, right? You start operating these principles of faith and you start calling those things that be not as though they were. And what does that mean? That means you say what you want, right? Not what you have. And so you start talking this love language to one another. We speak kind to one another, right? And even when we're frustrated and mad, because we do get frustrated at times. We do get angry at times. But even at those times, you start disciplining yourself. That's right. And if you need to, you remove yourself. Remove yourself.
Speaker #0
Take a minute.
Speaker #1
Take a break.
Speaker #0
Take a break. You don't have to say everything that's going on in your mind. I learned that in the military. They say everything you see, you don't have to say it.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Some things I want you to be quiet about. And you learn that. So, you learn that in marriage. Everything you see, you don't have to say something. Now, if it's an issue, then you say it. But some things, you know, you can say, you know, that's no big deal.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. You know.
Speaker #0
But if everything you see, if you want to have a confrontation or... Then what's going to happen there is no one want to talk to someone that 100% of the time they're going to have a confrontation.
Speaker #1
No, this is so interesting. So, if you go back and think about how we started this conversation about God choosing Mary to be the mother of his son... And she's going to love and care for him. Right? And you start thinking about all that. And then you go, okay, well, God chose me to love and care for his son. And God chose you to love and care for his daughter. And then we start handling each other in that way because we understand that marriage is God's idea and that we're a billboard for God. Right? Our marriage is a billboard for him. And we want to represent him well. Right? We want to represent him well. So we're committed to this. That's right. We are so committed to this that we're willing to make changes. Yes. We're willing to make some adjustments. And you and I talk about every once in a while, man, how many adjustments that we've made. You adjust as many times as you need to adjust.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And it's worth it. Isn't it worth it?
Speaker #0
It's worth it because people do change over time. I mean, think about it. I mean, I love navy blue, but today I might like green. So people change as they get older, as life goes on. They change. So with the change, you need to find out, okay, well, they used to like that. Now they don't. So you're observing. You're always observing to see what do I need to implement? What's different?
Speaker #1
You never put the pen and paper up.
Speaker #0
Never.
Speaker #1
And I know we're saying pen and paper. But we're talking about paying attention.
Speaker #0
Paying attention. Observing. Never stop doing that. You know? And then sometimes, you know, I never knew that about you because you're not observing. If I do something, you say, I never knew that about you. Well, if this is the first time seeing it, then hold what you don't know. Watch and see if okay now. I can see that change.
Speaker #1
Or ask questions about it. Right,
Speaker #0
and it's okay. Now, I thought it was this way. Well, you did, but now a change has taken place. So the question would be, honey, I thought you liked purple, but I see you liking royal blue now. When did that change? And it's okay. Yeah, but ask the questions.
Speaker #1
Ask the questions. come with your pen and paper, be prepared to spend the rest of your life learning one another. Right? And enjoy the education.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Enjoy learning one another.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
So come with that perspective. Come knowing that my spouse is a gift. He's like, a gift? They getting on my nerves. No, your spouse is a gift.
Speaker #0
Even if they're getting on your nerves,
Speaker #1
it's still your gift. It's a gift.
Speaker #0
Think about it. Even if they're getting on your nerves, it's still a gift. How many people in your lifetime that got on your nerves but you still had to deal with them?
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So if my spouse is still my gift because you're getting on my nerves, guess what? Good gift. Stop getting on my nerves. What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #1
What do we need to do to change that?
Speaker #0
And I'm committed. I commit my heart to the change. If I can help it better for my wife, if I can make it better for my wife, tell me what it is I need to do. And I want to make the adjustment.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. What do I need to do to make the change? Pay attention to your spouse first. Pay attention to what they like, how they do things. All of those things are real important in the relationship because you want to grow together. You want to learn one another and enjoy your years together because your perspective has everything to do with how your marriage will be. Glory to God. Man, this was good to me.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
It was good stuff.
Speaker #0
Good stuff.
Speaker #1
Thank you for having pen and paper and paying attention to me.
Speaker #0
Because I changed a lot And I keep it all the time You keep it all the time? All the time That's what I thought Here and here You're taking notes You know, a lot of folks saying I'm not being trained because someone is not Well, you know If you observe a person long enough You really can be trained Based off their actions That's probably the most effective training Is observing, watching, seeing Not hands on
Speaker #1
And then have great communication. We'll talk about that one time on the podcast. Anyway, no matter what it looks like, there's hope for your marriage.

Chapters

Opening Prayer & Welcome to Committed Hearts

0sec

Why This Conversation Could Change Your Marriage

1min

Seeing Your Spouse as God’s Son or Daughter

3min

You’re My Spouse — Not My Parent

7min

How Perspective Shapes How We Speak & Love

10min

Paying Attention: The Skill Every Marriage Needs

13min

Why Love Is Bold, Not Emotional

17min

Learning Each Other Through Observation

20min

Agreement vs Control in Marriage

23min

Building a Foundation That Lasts

26min