When You Don’t Like Your Spouse: How to Keep Love Strong | COMMITTED HEARTS

Description

What do you do when you love your spouse… but you don’t like what they’re doing?

In this episode of Committed Hearts, William and Donna Porter get real about the “dislike list”—those moments, habits, tones, and pet peeves that can frustrate you in marriage if you let them grow. They share a practical mindset shift that helps couples protect love during frustrating seasons: stop magnifying the dislike, and build your “love list” on purpose.

You’ll learn how to:

Keep dislikes from becoming resentment
Handle conflict without avoiding it
Shrink the “dislike list” through maturity and communication
Use appreciation and affirmations to change the atmosphere in your home
Apply the “3 positives for every 1 negative” principle
Celebrate small steps and keep love at the forefront

If you’ve ever thought, “Why does that bother me so much?”—this episode will give you tools to respond with wisdom, stay committed, and grow stronger together.

Welcome to Committed Hearts, a weekly podcast for engaged and married couples who want to build a strong, lasting, and God-centered relationship—without pressure, perfection, or churchy overload.

Hosted by The Porters—pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years—each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Welcome to the Committed Heart Podcast. I'm William Porter.
Speaker #1
And I'm Donna Porter.
Speaker #0
We open up with prayer. Father, we thank you for this time. Coming to just work on and just have a discussion about our marriages. Thank you for the foundation. We thank you that trust is included. We thank you, Father, that we're going to trust you as we go through with this podcast. Father, that all hearts and minds are clear and will leave here different than what they came. So we thank you, Father, that we do this by faith, not by sight. We're ready to catch this revelation this week.
Speaker #1
Amen. Well, I'm excited about this podcast because I love this topic that we're getting ready to talk about. Okay. All right. And you guys are going to enjoy this. So get ready, right? Be expecting to hear something. I trust the Holy Spirit is going to say something that will transform your life and your marriage in their home. It's going to get even better and better because they're committed. All right. So I was thinking about this. When I don't like the one I love, that's our topic, right? Because you would say to me, nobody likes everything about their spouse. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is. that you don't like about me right but honestly we know that there's always gonna be some dislikes like him but when he does that right there or when they say that right there or when they behave like that right there It does something to me. I know, I know, I know you're at home right now thinking, they talking about us. They talking about us. So let's talk about when you don't like the one you love. Because those dislikes, they should not change the love that you have for one another.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, you should always have yourself. When you see something that you don't like. but it's coming through the one you love, drown yourself with love and memories. Honestly, it drowns out dislike. And the reason you need to do that, if you're not careful, you start to meditate on the dislike, it becomes magnified. Shut that down right away because it's already frustrating you.
Speaker #1
Okay, wait. So you have some pet peeves, some things like they just get on your nerves. Or I know you say, don't let it get on my nerves. Things that bother you. Just do you have them? I'm not asking you what they are.
Speaker #0
I would say yes.
Speaker #1
You would say yes.
Speaker #0
Can I? Yes. It may not be the same thing all the time. So it ain't like I got one thing and that's it. It may not be the same thing all the time. Timing could be everything.
Speaker #1
Timing.
Speaker #0
When it was stated, how it was stated. So it could be something that I like yesterday, but the way it was presented today, it could be disliked.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So tone can have a lot to do with this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Because Because even if it's something I dislike, don't mean it's something I dislike all the time. It's timing, tone, all that have something to do with it.
Speaker #1
I'm just sitting here thinking, I will say that the love list is a lot bigger than the I don't like list. And I think that's important, especially from what you're saying. It's like you often say, you know, we choose our battles. We choose our battles. And. I can either choose to magnify the things I don't like or I can choose to magnify the things I love.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. So I'm hoping I'm hoping you're like this could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Temporary. My love list or my your love list could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Something I love that you do, depending on the time and the time it was done, the place it was done. it could become on the dislike list because it was done out of the timing. It wasn't right. Whatever. So now it's temporary, but now it could come back to this list in the next 10, 15 minutes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I see that.
Speaker #0
So my point is my love list is much longer than my list. That is permanently. There's some things I don't like. I don't know anything that's permanent on that list because you have some permanent things earlier in the marriage that no longer even phase you.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. So things that you used to dislike.
Speaker #0
um they no longer matter to you because i didn't grew out of that you grew out of that i i didn't grew out of self and into my marriage now my wife is still an individual so she's not gonna be me she's not gonna do what i do so that's why i respect her about her her boundaries what she do is what she do if it's not hurting me honey please do whatever you want to do you happy i'm happy but and there's some things that i would say if we're doing it together you know this is we like things you know it's something i like to eat my food you know that to go against that That'll make the temporary list for that minute. But in 20 minutes, it could be back on the love list.
Speaker #1
It's a temporary list.
Speaker #0
So your love list is much longer than the list that you got permanent. And I have a permanent list younger. Right, dislikes. But now, as we've been married and I'm learning my wife, I know my wife. First of all, I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #1
I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #0
Which means, you know, I don't. It don't have to be my way all the time. And I get my way.
Speaker #1
It doesn't have to be my way all the time.
Speaker #0
And when you get to that point, you really, you really catapult the marriage, love for that marriage. It catapults.
Speaker #1
So can can you avoid the things or at least some of the things that you don't like those dislikes? Can you avoid some of those?
Speaker #0
I'm sure you can, but that may not be healthy. I mean, they may they may need to happen for the relationship to be healthy. If I avoid them from happening, how do we work on them to where it could possibly make the loveless?
Speaker #1
Oh, I like this. So we don't try to avoid conflicts. We we learn how to resolve conflicts.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, we always say if we have a disagreement, we stay current. Let's talk about it. So if we do that, we're trying to eliminate that happening again. It may happen in a different way, but even with them, we can approach it as if we know we've dealt with this before. But what would cause it to happen again?
Speaker #1
You get on my nerves. I already told you.
Speaker #0
I already told you I don't like that. Right. And so then I could say, was it was just something to irritate me? Well,
Speaker #1
first of all, I would never approach you that way.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, let's say this. I always tell my children, don't let no one know how to get you upset or how to control your day.
Speaker #1
You don't give anybody that kind of power.
Speaker #0
Don't give anybody that kind of power. So what am I saying there? Even in my marriage, I pick and choose what I'm going to release my power or relinquish my power to. So in the younger days, I had a list probably year long. But now. It's probably not an order list.
Speaker #1
Because? Me? Yeah,
Speaker #0
because, well, let me say this. It may not have been about you, but at that point, it might have been self-centered. This is just things I like. So if they ain't doing what I like, so that may make my bad list.
Speaker #1
Oh, wait, so selfishness can create a list.
Speaker #0
Oh, it creates a list by itself. I'm self-centered. So if you're self-centered, you don't leave off that center point because it's about you. But when it becomes marriage, I no longer be self-centered. I have to be partner-centered, which means I've got a partner now. It's someone else involved with it. My decisions are not just for me now. My decisions are for someone else included. And then when you start getting family, they're included in every decision. You know, that's like if I'm at work sometime and I want to just go off on somebody. Well, don't do that because it's not just you, sir. You've got a wife. You've got two or three kids. What do they do? They're innocent. But me, me, disliking something that my wife did can impede on everything else. We have to be focused. Well,
Speaker #1
there's a happy,
Speaker #0
happy wife, happy life.
Speaker #1
Come on, happy.
Speaker #0
You see, so I've learned in over time that list will shrink and the loveless get longer. But it's temporary. Something on the loveless can go to that dislike list, but it's temporarily.
Speaker #1
I like I like that. I was thinking, you know, I'm trying to avoid some things, but it's really not avoiding some things. It's like I'm choosing. I'm going to decide whether this is worth even dealing with. Because some things are not worth it.
Speaker #0
I mean, think about it. Is it? You know, what that really was, you know. But then it's something you say, well, you know, this has been too consistent. Let's have a conversation. And it's okay. Even with that conversation, you may leave the conversation and then like what you heard. or what you hear. You may leave the conversation saying, you're not answering my question. Well, if I answer it the best I can. Okay. And I may say to you, what do you need me to say?
Speaker #1
So let's talk about being mature enough to hear the dislikes.
Speaker #0
Well, if you're going to ask somebody to share with you something they don't like. If you're not ready for the answer,
Speaker #1
don't ask the question. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. If you're not ready for the answer, don't ask the question. So you need to be mature enough to hear what the other person is going to say. And I may not like what you're going to say.
Speaker #0
You notice if we ever have a question to ask, we may not ask our spouse or our children. We ask other folks that don't live with us, not close to us, because they're going to say, oh, beautiful. But you're kidding when they give you honors. Why did you say that? Because they're telling you. They're answering the truth. Are you ready for the truth? So even in this, my loveless or my dislike list, are you ready to hear the list?
Speaker #1
And I think it's important to know the things that your spouse doesn't like, right? Because we, here again, we dwell with each other according to knowledge. And that knowing helps us maneuver. with one another throughout, you know, throughout our life. I'm sitting here trying to think of some stuff I don't like.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm sure your list got much shorter now. Shorter list? 20 years ago, your list probably would have been so long, you'd still be talking. But I mean, so now it's things on my list. I mean, you know, our first encounter, why you drive that way? That's how I drive. That was on my list. I don't like when I'm driving for to hear that unless I'm doing something that endangers us.
Speaker #1
So it was on my list and it was on your list.
Speaker #0
So now that's no longer on my list no more. My wife said, why are you driving? I went, I'll tell her why. It may not be happy and it may not be something she wanted to hear, but she asked me. So I tell her.
Speaker #1
But I don't even ask you as much as I used to.
Speaker #0
You're absolutely right. No, you don't. No, you don't.
Speaker #1
I've gotten better.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. So guess what?
Speaker #1
I just sit there and pray. Oh,
Speaker #0
well, I mean, I don't think I drive that bad. But I mean, that's someone else's opinion.
Speaker #1
I'm teasing. But it's interesting that as we grow in our relationship, because we're committed. Yes. Because we're committed to this relationship. We work through those things, even the things that we don't like. But I love that you said we still need to discuss the dislike.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm praying everyone listen to this. What they get out of this is work on getting your dislike list smaller than your like list. and it's going to take some time but if you're working on it you can start putting some things off of that list right away if we don't be so self-centered if we're not so self-centered wow this is so good to me so um our list has gotten shorter absolutely i don't even know if we really have a list anymore that's the truth i
Speaker #1
don't i don't even know if we really have a list anymore. It's very rare for there to be conflict. And I think because we just start having mature conversations about situations before they get to a place where they could become this huge conflict. Right. So I love don't be afraid to discuss things that you don't like.
Speaker #0
Right. And you know how when you know your love list has gotten longer than your dislike list. If someone speak against your spouse and it's out of order, you go right away. Oh, no, no, no, no. You, you. got that wrong. Why? I'm defending based off the loveless, not with perception. See, people could see something, but they don't have the whole picture. But they make a statement, and you're right away with that judgment. You're coming off your loveless. Oh, no, no, no, that's not. You miss, you know, why? You're defending part of your loveless.
Speaker #1
So can I encourage newlyweds and people It could even be somebody been married 10 years and they like, man, my dislike list is still long. I heard what you said, but this list over here is long. Well, I want to encourage you that as you begin to apply these principles and have conversations and really you make the choice, you go, you know what? That's not even worth it. That's not even worth it. And I recognize you. I recognize the enemy I recognize him trying to bring division between the two of us and we're going to stand against that division and so guess what love believes the best and so I'm just going to believe the best well you think about it a house divided can't stand so if the enemy can get us divided we're not going to stand but if we start picking and choosing our battles oh no I'm not going to do that one why should
Speaker #0
I waste valuable energy on something that really is, it's really no big deal anyway. I can make it a huge deal. But if it's so small, pick and choose your battle because you're going to have them. Things are going to come that you're going to have to talk about. But every little thing for you to know, you're tired of talking when you need to talk.
Speaker #1
I love that you said, like, you can make it a huge deal. Guess what? Or you can make it a small deal. So you get to choose what it's going to be.
Speaker #0
And you mess up your spouse, too, because your spouse is already used to you making it big. And as soon as you say it's no big deal, they say, oh, so what's up with you now?
Speaker #1
Wait, we're going to make this a fight right here.
Speaker #0
So now something else done came up Because of the adjustment
Speaker #1
And it surprises you Wait a minute now your adjustments is on my dislike list It's on my dislike list I didn't like when you did Well wait a minute yesterday you didn't like when I did this I'll tell you about something And then you won't even talk to me about it You calm and cool about it This is not normal
Speaker #0
What's up with you now What's going on So the whole the context Of the whole situation shifts Even in your adjustment.
Speaker #1
And that's so good. I know we talk about it. We've made several adjustments. Several adjustments over the years. And we will continue to make several adjustments over the years. And so because we're always working on that list. I want my love list to be a whole lot bigger than that dislike list. And so that is so good.
Speaker #0
You ever hear of... someone say you know i i've i've been in this marriage so long i know my wife so well i mean it's just whatever it is it is they haven't given up but really on their list everything that was on the dislike list is on the like list now so basically what i'm gonna do i just like everything even if they if my wife shares some other way i just like everything you eliminate the bad list period but now do that take time to get there yes okay and even with the adjustment because their person is still changing. You just said, you know, I love my wife. I even love when she did that.
Speaker #1
Thank you for releasing your faith and loving even that right there. It made me think about Hobby Lobby and the stores that I like to go into. Any home goods at home, any stores like that, because I love decorating. I love houses. I love all that kind of stuff. And you don't. That would be on your dislike list. But you go with me. And you take me.
Speaker #0
Honestly, it's not as much on my dislike list as it was before. Wow. My wife happy. I put up with Hobby Lobby even though my sinus isn't. I'm just going Hobby. You happy? Let's go and come out. But it used to be on my list of where, why are we going there? But now, honey, you want to go to Hobby Lobby? Let's just go.
Speaker #1
Let's just go.
Speaker #0
And when I get it, I tell you, no, don't have me smelling no candle. No, it's a little powerful now. Either I'm going to have to walk outside.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
you don't have to walk outside to go back to the bathroom, get away from that. And then I'm hoping you're ready to go. But it's I do better.
Speaker #1
You do better now. OK,
Speaker #0
so I haven't went by myself to get you something.
Speaker #1
Come on, went by yourself. But guess what? If you go by yourself, you get out fast. Oh,
Speaker #0
real fast. Real fast. Oh,
Speaker #1
real fast. OK, so. That sounds simple, but how did that become?
Speaker #0
Because I know how happy you'd be in Hobby Lobby.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute.
Speaker #0
It's a happy place. And I want to see you happy. So if Hobby Lobby make you happy, then we went to Hobby Lobby so much, a young lady said, ma'am, do you want an application? I said, whoa. My wife, I don't know the last time she did a job like that, but they said, do you want an application? I'm thinking, was we here that much? But I mean, you happy? I'm happy.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. So putting your spouse, what makes them happy, putting that as a priority.
Speaker #0
You reap what you sow.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So this is self-centered. No.
Speaker #0
This is.
Speaker #1
Wait, I make my wife happy. She makes me happy.
Speaker #0
It's give and take for both sides.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And I think it works vice versa as well. Right. I know there's certain things that you necessarily, you don't like it. And so, you know, we just grow up. And you mature, you kind of leave some things alone. And you're not so adamant about having your own way.
Speaker #0
I'm a crab leg man. I go to a crab leg bar, you can eat for five hours. My wife, I sit there, eat what she's going to eat. No, I nip, but she stay there until I'm finished.
Speaker #1
That is the... That is the absolute truth. So,
Speaker #0
hey, you do that for me.
Speaker #1
Why am I sitting there for hours while you are? No shit,
Speaker #0
because you can go in the car, cut the car, cut the heat on, lock the door and nod back a few minutes.
Speaker #1
I know why. Because it makes you happy. Thank you. Yeah, because it makes you happy. And that's a beautiful place to get where making each other happy becomes the priority. That's right. Somebody's got to be willing to surrender.
Speaker #0
Because it'll come around. You'll get what you want to do. I'm telling you, if you show it long enough, it works out. It works out. Yeah. It'll never be lopsided.
Speaker #1
So you take me to Hobby Lobby, and then you get something, too. Right.
Speaker #0
We only mentioned one place, but I mean, there's several places. There's several places. But I do believe your love list will most certainly be larger than your dislike list.
Speaker #1
My love list.
Speaker #0
Over time, man. When it start out, the list may be opposite. But at some point, you want to start shipping stuff.
Speaker #1
Wait, that is so good because there are people who are watching and they say, I don't know what they're talking about. This list, my dislike list is so large. I'm ready to leave here today. I don't want to be bothered with this no more.
Speaker #0
Right. And watch what you say now. You say you never do nothing right. You always doing this wrong. Then you go on. I mean, that's what you're going to get. At some point, you need to say, honey, you know, you're getting better with that. Honey, you're doing good with that. Thank you. And you do this. You do this. So it only bring it don't only bring comfort to you, but it encourages the person. I mean, you know, it's OK to say, honey, you can better with that. And if you're saying it by faith, hallelujah. But you need to say that because if you're always saying the other part, you can't say, well, why do you keep doing it? Because you keep telling me it.
Speaker #1
And to show appreciation.
Speaker #0
When they make those adjustments,
Speaker #1
appreciate the adjustments. There's a practical tip for you today. Appreciate the adjustments. And so I'm verbally. appreciate those adjustments, right? It's like, boo, thank you so much for taking me today. Thank you for hanging out with me. Because guess what? I already know you don't like it. I don't need to say that part. I already know that you don't like it and that because you love me, you're doing something that you don't really like. Thank you.
Speaker #0
And you do it not out of familiar, not out of I just need to say something. My wife cooked me a good meal and it's good. That meal was delicious. Wait, wait,
Speaker #1
wait. Hold up. Your wife always cook you good.
Speaker #0
And I always say... thank you, honey. I appreciate it. And I say that. Man,
Speaker #1
that's so good because appreciation will go a long way. It'll go a long way. Come on, it'll take some stuff off that disc.
Speaker #0
I appreciate it because you don't know what they had to do to push through that. They probably didn't want to get up and go in no kitchen at all. But they do that out of love for you.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. And I want to be mindful not to become familiar. With the appreciation.
Speaker #0
Because for me, oh, you're just doing that. That's what you always do well. You can dilute what's being stated. No,
Speaker #1
you need to celebrate the appreciation, right? So, because, you know, you do it all the time. So I don't want to take that for granted. But all the time, you thank me for the meal. Not only do you thank me for the meal, you thank me for that good loving too.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Come on!
Speaker #0
Double thanks.
Speaker #1
And then I celebrate. We celebrate those appreciated. Thank you so much, babe. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you will take you a long way.
Speaker #0
I see. So you keep the loveless in front of you. Keep appreciating it. Thank you. Thank you. That loveless now overpowers the dislikeless. And really, if you do it long enough, the dislikeless will disappear over time.
Speaker #1
Oh, come on. The dislikeless will disappear.
Speaker #0
So you like when your wife did that? I love when she do that.
Speaker #1
Did you have to release your face for that?
Speaker #0
No, no, because at that point, it's nothing.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. So I can just decorate, change the house, just switch the furniture, just do whatever.
Speaker #0
We do that shit. I don't have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it at all.
Speaker #1
That's because when I'm finished, I take good care of you.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Happy wife. Happy. I love you.
Speaker #1
Love you. And my love list just got longer.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
That disliked list disappeared. Disappearing.
Speaker #0
And now, listen, this is 27 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So it'll take you a minute, but listen, don't despise small beginnings. Yes. A small step, a baby step is still a step. Celebrate it.
Speaker #1
Celebrate all those steps. And that is so valuable, so important to hear, just those words of appreciation. Right. Words of affirmation. Just saying those sweet. I mean, we just talk sweet. We're going to have to do a podcast about how we how we talk to one another and and what we allow each other to hear. But that it is start pulling things off that dislike.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Matter of fact, things will get feed and run off because you're not even entertaining them. It kills itself. You're no longer speaking life into you, no longer saying it anymore. It really will die on purpose because you're not giving it the breath to live.
Speaker #1
I love it. It'll die on purpose. It'll get feed and run away. Run away. You're not feeding it. Come on, I'm not feeding that right there. I'm feeding that.
Speaker #0
And you'll mess up the person that's doing it. They're going to say, whoa. If I did that about a week ago, something is going on here. I don't know what it is, but something's changing. Now they start to see the difference. It even make them adjust.
Speaker #1
That's so good. So we will pay attention and appreciate one another. We're going to pull some things off that dislike list. And over time, stop acknowledging all that stuff. Don't magnify it. Magnify the.
Speaker #0
The love list. If you get one negative, then put three great memories, love memories on it. If you get one drowning with three love things on you, then you're memoryless. What I love.
Speaker #1
It's what I love.
Speaker #0
And then keep it current. Whatever they did yesterday, the day that you love, focus on that.
Speaker #1
Tell me something you love about me.
Speaker #0
I love the way you talk, your affirmation. You're always telling me, hey, you're great. You're my best friend. You're my... My lover. All that. My only lover. Only lover.
Speaker #1
And my best friend.
Speaker #0
My best friend. All that is affirmation, confirmation. And let me know I'm doing something. Well, I get a report card.
Speaker #1
Come on, you're doing something.
Speaker #0
I get a report card. I get an A+.
Speaker #1
You get an A+. Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's a report card.
Speaker #1
You get a report card. I love that. And the more we do that, the more we focus on the things that we love, the less attention we're paying to the things that we don't like.
Speaker #0
And don't start giving a report card. Then I'm going to think something wrong.
Speaker #1
Oh, you want a report card?
Speaker #0
Yeah, just keep giving them to me. I'll keep giving them to you.
Speaker #1
How often do you want that?
Speaker #0
As soon as you think it.
Speaker #1
Daily. Yeah, just daily. I tell you. Every day. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That's what I say. I get a good report card.
Speaker #1
Bro, you the man. Amen.
Speaker #0
Big daddy. Simply marvelous.
Speaker #1
Simply marvelous. So what would you say to people that are watching and they're struggling with the list?
Speaker #0
I would tell them once again. affirmation, celebrate small things, small steps. I remember about the last thing y'all did. That was great. I would tell them, if someone gave you one negative, you get three positives against it. What are you doing? You're going against one negative with three positives. It drowns out the negative.
Speaker #1
Drown out the negative.
Speaker #0
So take three and one. If you get one negative, then you do what? Give me three love things off my love list. That's what I'm going to do.
Speaker #1
You be like, Lord, I need three things. Help me.
Speaker #0
And if you only got one, then you fire with one. But your lists will get longer.
Speaker #1
Wow.
Speaker #0
Don't allow that one to overpower it. You got to have one. If you said I do, at least focus back to that.
Speaker #1
There's one thing you love about me.
Speaker #0
So go back to that. I mean, whatever that was, go back to that. Keep saying that. And I believe others will come.
Speaker #1
I'm trying to remember. Why did I marry him?
Speaker #0
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, sometimes it could be, well, hallelujah, whatever it is. You know, they should sing a song, the same thing it took to get your baby hooked. It's going to take the same thing to keep it. Just focus on that. That's all you got right now. Hold on to something. So even if you get that, that's a start. Nothing beat a failure but a try. Try that.
Speaker #1
I like it. So are you holding on to what it took to get me?
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
What did it take to get me?
Speaker #0
Oh, it took me to, well, honestly, honestly, from the beginning. One dance, bro. One dance.
Speaker #1
One dance.
Speaker #0
One dance, and we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #1
And we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #0
Ever since.
Speaker #1
I like it.
Speaker #0
One dance, and I refuse anybody else couldn't dance with you. Because you wanted me to be the only one.
Speaker #2
Wait a minute. I wanted you. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
But you didn't let nobody else dance with me. We got an agreement.
Speaker #1
We got an agreement.
Speaker #0
I was the only one that wanted to dance with you. You wanted me to be the only one that you wanted to dance with.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm glad you're telling yourself that. I love you.
Speaker #0
I love you.
Speaker #1
All right. So I trust that this has been a help to you today, this conversation. Hey, you two have a conversation. I know somebody's watching this. Well, he won't even talk to me about it. I can't even get them to watch the podcast. You keep making the commitment. You pray. You trust God. You put the principles into play and you'll be sending us a testimony because you're going to see a difference in your house. Be grateful. Appreciate.
Speaker #0
That's right.
Speaker #1
Shout out some affirmations. They'll be like, what's wrong with you? And watch what will happen. Man, this has been good. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing the loveless. Amen. This is a Committed Hearts podcast. Join us again next time. Put that application in. Practice. exactly what we were sharing with you today. Put it into play. You're going to see a difference. Have a great day.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Welcome to Committed Hearts, a weekly podcast for engaged and married couples who want to build a strong, lasting, and God-centered relationship, without pressure, perfection, or churchy overload.

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

What do you do when you love your spouse… but you don’t like what they’re doing?

You’ll learn how to:

Keep dislikes from becoming resentment
Handle conflict without avoiding it
Shrink the “dislike list” through maturity and communication
Use appreciation and affirmations to change the atmosphere in your home
Apply the “3 positives for every 1 negative” principle
Celebrate small steps and keep love at the forefront

If you’ve ever thought, “Why does that bother me so much?”—this episode will give you tools to respond with wisdom, stay committed, and grow stronger together.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Welcome to the Committed Heart Podcast. I'm William Porter.
Speaker #1
And I'm Donna Porter.
Speaker #0
We open up with prayer. Father, we thank you for this time. Coming to just work on and just have a discussion about our marriages. Thank you for the foundation. We thank you that trust is included. We thank you, Father, that we're going to trust you as we go through with this podcast. Father, that all hearts and minds are clear and will leave here different than what they came. So we thank you, Father, that we do this by faith, not by sight. We're ready to catch this revelation this week.
Speaker #1
Amen. Well, I'm excited about this podcast because I love this topic that we're getting ready to talk about. Okay. All right. And you guys are going to enjoy this. So get ready, right? Be expecting to hear something. I trust the Holy Spirit is going to say something that will transform your life and your marriage in their home. It's going to get even better and better because they're committed. All right. So I was thinking about this. When I don't like the one I love, that's our topic, right? Because you would say to me, nobody likes everything about their spouse. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is. that you don't like about me right but honestly we know that there's always gonna be some dislikes like him but when he does that right there or when they say that right there or when they behave like that right there It does something to me. I know, I know, I know you're at home right now thinking, they talking about us. They talking about us. So let's talk about when you don't like the one you love. Because those dislikes, they should not change the love that you have for one another.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, you should always have yourself. When you see something that you don't like. but it's coming through the one you love, drown yourself with love and memories. Honestly, it drowns out dislike. And the reason you need to do that, if you're not careful, you start to meditate on the dislike, it becomes magnified. Shut that down right away because it's already frustrating you.
Speaker #1
Okay, wait. So you have some pet peeves, some things like they just get on your nerves. Or I know you say, don't let it get on my nerves. Things that bother you. Just do you have them? I'm not asking you what they are.
Speaker #0
I would say yes.
Speaker #1
You would say yes.
Speaker #0
Can I? Yes. It may not be the same thing all the time. So it ain't like I got one thing and that's it. It may not be the same thing all the time. Timing could be everything.
Speaker #1
Timing.
Speaker #0
When it was stated, how it was stated. So it could be something that I like yesterday, but the way it was presented today, it could be disliked.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So tone can have a lot to do with this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Because Because even if it's something I dislike, don't mean it's something I dislike all the time. It's timing, tone, all that have something to do with it.
Speaker #1
I'm just sitting here thinking, I will say that the love list is a lot bigger than the I don't like list. And I think that's important, especially from what you're saying. It's like you often say, you know, we choose our battles. We choose our battles. And. I can either choose to magnify the things I don't like or I can choose to magnify the things I love.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. So I'm hoping I'm hoping you're like this could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Temporary. My love list or my your love list could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Something I love that you do, depending on the time and the time it was done, the place it was done. it could become on the dislike list because it was done out of the timing. It wasn't right. Whatever. So now it's temporary, but now it could come back to this list in the next 10, 15 minutes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I see that.
Speaker #0
So my point is my love list is much longer than my list. That is permanently. There's some things I don't like. I don't know anything that's permanent on that list because you have some permanent things earlier in the marriage that no longer even phase you.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. So things that you used to dislike.
Speaker #0
um they no longer matter to you because i didn't grew out of that you grew out of that i i didn't grew out of self and into my marriage now my wife is still an individual so she's not gonna be me she's not gonna do what i do so that's why i respect her about her her boundaries what she do is what she do if it's not hurting me honey please do whatever you want to do you happy i'm happy but and there's some things that i would say if we're doing it together you know this is we like things you know it's something i like to eat my food you know that to go against that That'll make the temporary list for that minute. But in 20 minutes, it could be back on the love list.
Speaker #1
It's a temporary list.
Speaker #0
So your love list is much longer than the list that you got permanent. And I have a permanent list younger. Right, dislikes. But now, as we've been married and I'm learning my wife, I know my wife. First of all, I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #1
I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #0
Which means, you know, I don't. It don't have to be my way all the time. And I get my way.
Speaker #1
It doesn't have to be my way all the time.
Speaker #0
And when you get to that point, you really, you really catapult the marriage, love for that marriage. It catapults.
Speaker #1
So can can you avoid the things or at least some of the things that you don't like those dislikes? Can you avoid some of those?
Speaker #0
I'm sure you can, but that may not be healthy. I mean, they may they may need to happen for the relationship to be healthy. If I avoid them from happening, how do we work on them to where it could possibly make the loveless?
Speaker #1
Oh, I like this. So we don't try to avoid conflicts. We we learn how to resolve conflicts.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, we always say if we have a disagreement, we stay current. Let's talk about it. So if we do that, we're trying to eliminate that happening again. It may happen in a different way, but even with them, we can approach it as if we know we've dealt with this before. But what would cause it to happen again?
Speaker #1
You get on my nerves. I already told you.
Speaker #0
I already told you I don't like that. Right. And so then I could say, was it was just something to irritate me? Well,
Speaker #1
first of all, I would never approach you that way.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, let's say this. I always tell my children, don't let no one know how to get you upset or how to control your day.
Speaker #1
You don't give anybody that kind of power.
Speaker #0
Don't give anybody that kind of power. So what am I saying there? Even in my marriage, I pick and choose what I'm going to release my power or relinquish my power to. So in the younger days, I had a list probably year long. But now. It's probably not an order list.
Speaker #1
Because? Me? Yeah,
Speaker #0
because, well, let me say this. It may not have been about you, but at that point, it might have been self-centered. This is just things I like. So if they ain't doing what I like, so that may make my bad list.
Speaker #1
Oh, wait, so selfishness can create a list.
Speaker #0
Oh, it creates a list by itself. I'm self-centered. So if you're self-centered, you don't leave off that center point because it's about you. But when it becomes marriage, I no longer be self-centered. I have to be partner-centered, which means I've got a partner now. It's someone else involved with it. My decisions are not just for me now. My decisions are for someone else included. And then when you start getting family, they're included in every decision. You know, that's like if I'm at work sometime and I want to just go off on somebody. Well, don't do that because it's not just you, sir. You've got a wife. You've got two or three kids. What do they do? They're innocent. But me, me, disliking something that my wife did can impede on everything else. We have to be focused. Well,
Speaker #1
there's a happy,
Speaker #0
happy wife, happy life.
Speaker #1
Come on, happy.
Speaker #0
You see, so I've learned in over time that list will shrink and the loveless get longer. But it's temporary. Something on the loveless can go to that dislike list, but it's temporarily.
Speaker #1
I like I like that. I was thinking, you know, I'm trying to avoid some things, but it's really not avoiding some things. It's like I'm choosing. I'm going to decide whether this is worth even dealing with. Because some things are not worth it.
Speaker #0
I mean, think about it. Is it? You know, what that really was, you know. But then it's something you say, well, you know, this has been too consistent. Let's have a conversation. And it's okay. Even with that conversation, you may leave the conversation and then like what you heard. or what you hear. You may leave the conversation saying, you're not answering my question. Well, if I answer it the best I can. Okay. And I may say to you, what do you need me to say?
Speaker #1
So let's talk about being mature enough to hear the dislikes.
Speaker #0
Well, if you're going to ask somebody to share with you something they don't like. If you're not ready for the answer,
Speaker #1
don't ask the question. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. If you're not ready for the answer, don't ask the question. So you need to be mature enough to hear what the other person is going to say. And I may not like what you're going to say.
Speaker #0
You notice if we ever have a question to ask, we may not ask our spouse or our children. We ask other folks that don't live with us, not close to us, because they're going to say, oh, beautiful. But you're kidding when they give you honors. Why did you say that? Because they're telling you. They're answering the truth. Are you ready for the truth? So even in this, my loveless or my dislike list, are you ready to hear the list?
Speaker #1
And I think it's important to know the things that your spouse doesn't like, right? Because we, here again, we dwell with each other according to knowledge. And that knowing helps us maneuver. with one another throughout, you know, throughout our life. I'm sitting here trying to think of some stuff I don't like.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm sure your list got much shorter now. Shorter list? 20 years ago, your list probably would have been so long, you'd still be talking. But I mean, so now it's things on my list. I mean, you know, our first encounter, why you drive that way? That's how I drive. That was on my list. I don't like when I'm driving for to hear that unless I'm doing something that endangers us.
Speaker #1
So it was on my list and it was on your list.
Speaker #0
So now that's no longer on my list no more. My wife said, why are you driving? I went, I'll tell her why. It may not be happy and it may not be something she wanted to hear, but she asked me. So I tell her.
Speaker #1
But I don't even ask you as much as I used to.
Speaker #0
You're absolutely right. No, you don't. No, you don't.
Speaker #1
I've gotten better.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. So guess what?
Speaker #1
I just sit there and pray. Oh,
Speaker #0
well, I mean, I don't think I drive that bad. But I mean, that's someone else's opinion.
Speaker #1
I'm teasing. But it's interesting that as we grow in our relationship, because we're committed. Yes. Because we're committed to this relationship. We work through those things, even the things that we don't like. But I love that you said we still need to discuss the dislike.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm praying everyone listen to this. What they get out of this is work on getting your dislike list smaller than your like list. and it's going to take some time but if you're working on it you can start putting some things off of that list right away if we don't be so self-centered if we're not so self-centered wow this is so good to me so um our list has gotten shorter absolutely i don't even know if we really have a list anymore that's the truth i
Speaker #1
don't i don't even know if we really have a list anymore. It's very rare for there to be conflict. And I think because we just start having mature conversations about situations before they get to a place where they could become this huge conflict. Right. So I love don't be afraid to discuss things that you don't like.
Speaker #0
Right. And you know how when you know your love list has gotten longer than your dislike list. If someone speak against your spouse and it's out of order, you go right away. Oh, no, no, no, no. You, you. got that wrong. Why? I'm defending based off the loveless, not with perception. See, people could see something, but they don't have the whole picture. But they make a statement, and you're right away with that judgment. You're coming off your loveless. Oh, no, no, no, that's not. You miss, you know, why? You're defending part of your loveless.
Speaker #1
So can I encourage newlyweds and people It could even be somebody been married 10 years and they like, man, my dislike list is still long. I heard what you said, but this list over here is long. Well, I want to encourage you that as you begin to apply these principles and have conversations and really you make the choice, you go, you know what? That's not even worth it. That's not even worth it. And I recognize you. I recognize the enemy I recognize him trying to bring division between the two of us and we're going to stand against that division and so guess what love believes the best and so I'm just going to believe the best well you think about it a house divided can't stand so if the enemy can get us divided we're not going to stand but if we start picking and choosing our battles oh no I'm not going to do that one why should
Speaker #0
I waste valuable energy on something that really is, it's really no big deal anyway. I can make it a huge deal. But if it's so small, pick and choose your battle because you're going to have them. Things are going to come that you're going to have to talk about. But every little thing for you to know, you're tired of talking when you need to talk.
Speaker #1
I love that you said, like, you can make it a huge deal. Guess what? Or you can make it a small deal. So you get to choose what it's going to be.
Speaker #0
And you mess up your spouse, too, because your spouse is already used to you making it big. And as soon as you say it's no big deal, they say, oh, so what's up with you now?
Speaker #1
Wait, we're going to make this a fight right here.
Speaker #0
So now something else done came up Because of the adjustment
Speaker #1
And it surprises you Wait a minute now your adjustments is on my dislike list It's on my dislike list I didn't like when you did Well wait a minute yesterday you didn't like when I did this I'll tell you about something And then you won't even talk to me about it You calm and cool about it This is not normal
Speaker #0
What's up with you now What's going on So the whole the context Of the whole situation shifts Even in your adjustment.
Speaker #1
And that's so good. I know we talk about it. We've made several adjustments. Several adjustments over the years. And we will continue to make several adjustments over the years. And so because we're always working on that list. I want my love list to be a whole lot bigger than that dislike list. And so that is so good.
Speaker #0
You ever hear of... someone say you know i i've i've been in this marriage so long i know my wife so well i mean it's just whatever it is it is they haven't given up but really on their list everything that was on the dislike list is on the like list now so basically what i'm gonna do i just like everything even if they if my wife shares some other way i just like everything you eliminate the bad list period but now do that take time to get there yes okay and even with the adjustment because their person is still changing. You just said, you know, I love my wife. I even love when she did that.
Speaker #1
Thank you for releasing your faith and loving even that right there. It made me think about Hobby Lobby and the stores that I like to go into. Any home goods at home, any stores like that, because I love decorating. I love houses. I love all that kind of stuff. And you don't. That would be on your dislike list. But you go with me. And you take me.
Speaker #0
Honestly, it's not as much on my dislike list as it was before. Wow. My wife happy. I put up with Hobby Lobby even though my sinus isn't. I'm just going Hobby. You happy? Let's go and come out. But it used to be on my list of where, why are we going there? But now, honey, you want to go to Hobby Lobby? Let's just go.
Speaker #1
Let's just go.
Speaker #0
And when I get it, I tell you, no, don't have me smelling no candle. No, it's a little powerful now. Either I'm going to have to walk outside.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
you don't have to walk outside to go back to the bathroom, get away from that. And then I'm hoping you're ready to go. But it's I do better.
Speaker #1
You do better now. OK,
Speaker #0
so I haven't went by myself to get you something.
Speaker #1
Come on, went by yourself. But guess what? If you go by yourself, you get out fast. Oh,
Speaker #0
real fast. Real fast. Oh,
Speaker #1
real fast. OK, so. That sounds simple, but how did that become?
Speaker #0
Because I know how happy you'd be in Hobby Lobby.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute.
Speaker #0
It's a happy place. And I want to see you happy. So if Hobby Lobby make you happy, then we went to Hobby Lobby so much, a young lady said, ma'am, do you want an application? I said, whoa. My wife, I don't know the last time she did a job like that, but they said, do you want an application? I'm thinking, was we here that much? But I mean, you happy? I'm happy.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. So putting your spouse, what makes them happy, putting that as a priority.
Speaker #0
You reap what you sow.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So this is self-centered. No.
Speaker #0
This is.
Speaker #1
Wait, I make my wife happy. She makes me happy.
Speaker #0
It's give and take for both sides.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And I think it works vice versa as well. Right. I know there's certain things that you necessarily, you don't like it. And so, you know, we just grow up. And you mature, you kind of leave some things alone. And you're not so adamant about having your own way.
Speaker #0
I'm a crab leg man. I go to a crab leg bar, you can eat for five hours. My wife, I sit there, eat what she's going to eat. No, I nip, but she stay there until I'm finished.
Speaker #1
That is the... That is the absolute truth. So,
Speaker #0
hey, you do that for me.
Speaker #1
Why am I sitting there for hours while you are? No shit,
Speaker #0
because you can go in the car, cut the car, cut the heat on, lock the door and nod back a few minutes.
Speaker #1
I know why. Because it makes you happy. Thank you. Yeah, because it makes you happy. And that's a beautiful place to get where making each other happy becomes the priority. That's right. Somebody's got to be willing to surrender.
Speaker #0
Because it'll come around. You'll get what you want to do. I'm telling you, if you show it long enough, it works out. It works out. Yeah. It'll never be lopsided.
Speaker #1
So you take me to Hobby Lobby, and then you get something, too. Right.
Speaker #0
We only mentioned one place, but I mean, there's several places. There's several places. But I do believe your love list will most certainly be larger than your dislike list.
Speaker #1
My love list.
Speaker #0
Over time, man. When it start out, the list may be opposite. But at some point, you want to start shipping stuff.
Speaker #1
Wait, that is so good because there are people who are watching and they say, I don't know what they're talking about. This list, my dislike list is so large. I'm ready to leave here today. I don't want to be bothered with this no more.
Speaker #0
Right. And watch what you say now. You say you never do nothing right. You always doing this wrong. Then you go on. I mean, that's what you're going to get. At some point, you need to say, honey, you know, you're getting better with that. Honey, you're doing good with that. Thank you. And you do this. You do this. So it only bring it don't only bring comfort to you, but it encourages the person. I mean, you know, it's OK to say, honey, you can better with that. And if you're saying it by faith, hallelujah. But you need to say that because if you're always saying the other part, you can't say, well, why do you keep doing it? Because you keep telling me it.
Speaker #1
And to show appreciation.
Speaker #0
When they make those adjustments,
Speaker #1
appreciate the adjustments. There's a practical tip for you today. Appreciate the adjustments. And so I'm verbally. appreciate those adjustments, right? It's like, boo, thank you so much for taking me today. Thank you for hanging out with me. Because guess what? I already know you don't like it. I don't need to say that part. I already know that you don't like it and that because you love me, you're doing something that you don't really like. Thank you.
Speaker #0
And you do it not out of familiar, not out of I just need to say something. My wife cooked me a good meal and it's good. That meal was delicious. Wait, wait,
Speaker #1
wait. Hold up. Your wife always cook you good.
Speaker #0
And I always say... thank you, honey. I appreciate it. And I say that. Man,
Speaker #1
that's so good because appreciation will go a long way. It'll go a long way. Come on, it'll take some stuff off that disc.
Speaker #0
I appreciate it because you don't know what they had to do to push through that. They probably didn't want to get up and go in no kitchen at all. But they do that out of love for you.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. And I want to be mindful not to become familiar. With the appreciation.
Speaker #0
Because for me, oh, you're just doing that. That's what you always do well. You can dilute what's being stated. No,
Speaker #1
you need to celebrate the appreciation, right? So, because, you know, you do it all the time. So I don't want to take that for granted. But all the time, you thank me for the meal. Not only do you thank me for the meal, you thank me for that good loving too.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Come on!
Speaker #0
Double thanks.
Speaker #1
And then I celebrate. We celebrate those appreciated. Thank you so much, babe. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you will take you a long way.
Speaker #0
I see. So you keep the loveless in front of you. Keep appreciating it. Thank you. Thank you. That loveless now overpowers the dislikeless. And really, if you do it long enough, the dislikeless will disappear over time.
Speaker #1
Oh, come on. The dislikeless will disappear.
Speaker #0
So you like when your wife did that? I love when she do that.
Speaker #1
Did you have to release your face for that?
Speaker #0
No, no, because at that point, it's nothing.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. So I can just decorate, change the house, just switch the furniture, just do whatever.
Speaker #0
We do that shit. I don't have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it at all.
Speaker #1
That's because when I'm finished, I take good care of you.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Happy wife. Happy. I love you.
Speaker #1
Love you. And my love list just got longer.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
That disliked list disappeared. Disappearing.
Speaker #0
And now, listen, this is 27 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So it'll take you a minute, but listen, don't despise small beginnings. Yes. A small step, a baby step is still a step. Celebrate it.
Speaker #1
Celebrate all those steps. And that is so valuable, so important to hear, just those words of appreciation. Right. Words of affirmation. Just saying those sweet. I mean, we just talk sweet. We're going to have to do a podcast about how we how we talk to one another and and what we allow each other to hear. But that it is start pulling things off that dislike.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Matter of fact, things will get feed and run off because you're not even entertaining them. It kills itself. You're no longer speaking life into you, no longer saying it anymore. It really will die on purpose because you're not giving it the breath to live.
Speaker #1
I love it. It'll die on purpose. It'll get feed and run away. Run away. You're not feeding it. Come on, I'm not feeding that right there. I'm feeding that.
Speaker #0
And you'll mess up the person that's doing it. They're going to say, whoa. If I did that about a week ago, something is going on here. I don't know what it is, but something's changing. Now they start to see the difference. It even make them adjust.
Speaker #1
That's so good. So we will pay attention and appreciate one another. We're going to pull some things off that dislike list. And over time, stop acknowledging all that stuff. Don't magnify it. Magnify the.
Speaker #0
The love list. If you get one negative, then put three great memories, love memories on it. If you get one drowning with three love things on you, then you're memoryless. What I love.
Speaker #1
It's what I love.
Speaker #0
And then keep it current. Whatever they did yesterday, the day that you love, focus on that.
Speaker #1
Tell me something you love about me.
Speaker #0
I love the way you talk, your affirmation. You're always telling me, hey, you're great. You're my best friend. You're my... My lover. All that. My only lover. Only lover.
Speaker #1
And my best friend.
Speaker #0
My best friend. All that is affirmation, confirmation. And let me know I'm doing something. Well, I get a report card.
Speaker #1
Come on, you're doing something.
Speaker #0
I get a report card. I get an A+.
Speaker #1
You get an A+. Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's a report card.
Speaker #1
You get a report card. I love that. And the more we do that, the more we focus on the things that we love, the less attention we're paying to the things that we don't like.
Speaker #0
And don't start giving a report card. Then I'm going to think something wrong.
Speaker #1
Oh, you want a report card?
Speaker #0
Yeah, just keep giving them to me. I'll keep giving them to you.
Speaker #1
How often do you want that?
Speaker #0
As soon as you think it.
Speaker #1
Daily. Yeah, just daily. I tell you. Every day. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That's what I say. I get a good report card.
Speaker #1
Bro, you the man. Amen.
Speaker #0
Big daddy. Simply marvelous.
Speaker #1
Simply marvelous. So what would you say to people that are watching and they're struggling with the list?
Speaker #0
I would tell them once again. affirmation, celebrate small things, small steps. I remember about the last thing y'all did. That was great. I would tell them, if someone gave you one negative, you get three positives against it. What are you doing? You're going against one negative with three positives. It drowns out the negative.
Speaker #1
Drown out the negative.
Speaker #0
So take three and one. If you get one negative, then you do what? Give me three love things off my love list. That's what I'm going to do.
Speaker #1
You be like, Lord, I need three things. Help me.
Speaker #0
And if you only got one, then you fire with one. But your lists will get longer.
Speaker #1
Wow.
Speaker #0
Don't allow that one to overpower it. You got to have one. If you said I do, at least focus back to that.
Speaker #1
There's one thing you love about me.
Speaker #0
So go back to that. I mean, whatever that was, go back to that. Keep saying that. And I believe others will come.
Speaker #1
I'm trying to remember. Why did I marry him?
Speaker #0
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, sometimes it could be, well, hallelujah, whatever it is. You know, they should sing a song, the same thing it took to get your baby hooked. It's going to take the same thing to keep it. Just focus on that. That's all you got right now. Hold on to something. So even if you get that, that's a start. Nothing beat a failure but a try. Try that.
Speaker #1
I like it. So are you holding on to what it took to get me?
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
What did it take to get me?
Speaker #0
Oh, it took me to, well, honestly, honestly, from the beginning. One dance, bro. One dance.
Speaker #1
One dance.
Speaker #0
One dance, and we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #1
And we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #0
Ever since.
Speaker #1
I like it.
Speaker #0
One dance, and I refuse anybody else couldn't dance with you. Because you wanted me to be the only one.
Speaker #2
Wait a minute. I wanted you. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
But you didn't let nobody else dance with me. We got an agreement.
Speaker #1
We got an agreement.
Speaker #0
I was the only one that wanted to dance with you. You wanted me to be the only one that you wanted to dance with.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm glad you're telling yourself that. I love you.
Speaker #0
I love you.
Speaker #1
All right. So I trust that this has been a help to you today, this conversation. Hey, you two have a conversation. I know somebody's watching this. Well, he won't even talk to me about it. I can't even get them to watch the podcast. You keep making the commitment. You pray. You trust God. You put the principles into play and you'll be sending us a testimony because you're going to see a difference in your house. Be grateful. Appreciate.
Speaker #0
That's right.
Speaker #1
Shout out some affirmations. They'll be like, what's wrong with you? And watch what will happen. Man, this has been good. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing the loveless. Amen. This is a Committed Hearts podcast. Join us again next time. Put that application in. Practice. exactly what we were sharing with you today. Put it into play. You're going to see a difference. Have a great day.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Description

What do you do when you love your spouse… but you don’t like what they’re doing?

You’ll learn how to:

Keep dislikes from becoming resentment
Handle conflict without avoiding it
Shrink the “dislike list” through maturity and communication
Use appreciation and affirmations to change the atmosphere in your home
Apply the “3 positives for every 1 negative” principle
Celebrate small steps and keep love at the forefront

If you’ve ever thought, “Why does that bother me so much?”—this episode will give you tools to respond with wisdom, stay committed, and grow stronger together.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Welcome to the Committed Heart Podcast. I'm William Porter.
Speaker #1
And I'm Donna Porter.
Speaker #0
We open up with prayer. Father, we thank you for this time. Coming to just work on and just have a discussion about our marriages. Thank you for the foundation. We thank you that trust is included. We thank you, Father, that we're going to trust you as we go through with this podcast. Father, that all hearts and minds are clear and will leave here different than what they came. So we thank you, Father, that we do this by faith, not by sight. We're ready to catch this revelation this week.
Speaker #1
Amen. Well, I'm excited about this podcast because I love this topic that we're getting ready to talk about. Okay. All right. And you guys are going to enjoy this. So get ready, right? Be expecting to hear something. I trust the Holy Spirit is going to say something that will transform your life and your marriage in their home. It's going to get even better and better because they're committed. All right. So I was thinking about this. When I don't like the one I love, that's our topic, right? Because you would say to me, nobody likes everything about their spouse. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is. that you don't like about me right but honestly we know that there's always gonna be some dislikes like him but when he does that right there or when they say that right there or when they behave like that right there It does something to me. I know, I know, I know you're at home right now thinking, they talking about us. They talking about us. So let's talk about when you don't like the one you love. Because those dislikes, they should not change the love that you have for one another.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, you should always have yourself. When you see something that you don't like. but it's coming through the one you love, drown yourself with love and memories. Honestly, it drowns out dislike. And the reason you need to do that, if you're not careful, you start to meditate on the dislike, it becomes magnified. Shut that down right away because it's already frustrating you.
Speaker #1
Okay, wait. So you have some pet peeves, some things like they just get on your nerves. Or I know you say, don't let it get on my nerves. Things that bother you. Just do you have them? I'm not asking you what they are.
Speaker #0
I would say yes.
Speaker #1
You would say yes.
Speaker #0
Can I? Yes. It may not be the same thing all the time. So it ain't like I got one thing and that's it. It may not be the same thing all the time. Timing could be everything.
Speaker #1
Timing.
Speaker #0
When it was stated, how it was stated. So it could be something that I like yesterday, but the way it was presented today, it could be disliked.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So tone can have a lot to do with this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Because Because even if it's something I dislike, don't mean it's something I dislike all the time. It's timing, tone, all that have something to do with it.
Speaker #1
I'm just sitting here thinking, I will say that the love list is a lot bigger than the I don't like list. And I think that's important, especially from what you're saying. It's like you often say, you know, we choose our battles. We choose our battles. And. I can either choose to magnify the things I don't like or I can choose to magnify the things I love.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. So I'm hoping I'm hoping you're like this could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Temporary. My love list or my your love list could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Something I love that you do, depending on the time and the time it was done, the place it was done. it could become on the dislike list because it was done out of the timing. It wasn't right. Whatever. So now it's temporary, but now it could come back to this list in the next 10, 15 minutes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I see that.
Speaker #0
So my point is my love list is much longer than my list. That is permanently. There's some things I don't like. I don't know anything that's permanent on that list because you have some permanent things earlier in the marriage that no longer even phase you.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. So things that you used to dislike.
Speaker #0
um they no longer matter to you because i didn't grew out of that you grew out of that i i didn't grew out of self and into my marriage now my wife is still an individual so she's not gonna be me she's not gonna do what i do so that's why i respect her about her her boundaries what she do is what she do if it's not hurting me honey please do whatever you want to do you happy i'm happy but and there's some things that i would say if we're doing it together you know this is we like things you know it's something i like to eat my food you know that to go against that That'll make the temporary list for that minute. But in 20 minutes, it could be back on the love list.
Speaker #1
It's a temporary list.
Speaker #0
So your love list is much longer than the list that you got permanent. And I have a permanent list younger. Right, dislikes. But now, as we've been married and I'm learning my wife, I know my wife. First of all, I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #1
I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #0
Which means, you know, I don't. It don't have to be my way all the time. And I get my way.
Speaker #1
It doesn't have to be my way all the time.
Speaker #0
And when you get to that point, you really, you really catapult the marriage, love for that marriage. It catapults.
Speaker #1
So can can you avoid the things or at least some of the things that you don't like those dislikes? Can you avoid some of those?
Speaker #0
I'm sure you can, but that may not be healthy. I mean, they may they may need to happen for the relationship to be healthy. If I avoid them from happening, how do we work on them to where it could possibly make the loveless?
Speaker #1
Oh, I like this. So we don't try to avoid conflicts. We we learn how to resolve conflicts.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, we always say if we have a disagreement, we stay current. Let's talk about it. So if we do that, we're trying to eliminate that happening again. It may happen in a different way, but even with them, we can approach it as if we know we've dealt with this before. But what would cause it to happen again?
Speaker #1
You get on my nerves. I already told you.
Speaker #0
I already told you I don't like that. Right. And so then I could say, was it was just something to irritate me? Well,
Speaker #1
first of all, I would never approach you that way.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, let's say this. I always tell my children, don't let no one know how to get you upset or how to control your day.
Speaker #1
You don't give anybody that kind of power.
Speaker #0
Don't give anybody that kind of power. So what am I saying there? Even in my marriage, I pick and choose what I'm going to release my power or relinquish my power to. So in the younger days, I had a list probably year long. But now. It's probably not an order list.
Speaker #1
Because? Me? Yeah,
Speaker #0
because, well, let me say this. It may not have been about you, but at that point, it might have been self-centered. This is just things I like. So if they ain't doing what I like, so that may make my bad list.
Speaker #1
Oh, wait, so selfishness can create a list.
Speaker #0
Oh, it creates a list by itself. I'm self-centered. So if you're self-centered, you don't leave off that center point because it's about you. But when it becomes marriage, I no longer be self-centered. I have to be partner-centered, which means I've got a partner now. It's someone else involved with it. My decisions are not just for me now. My decisions are for someone else included. And then when you start getting family, they're included in every decision. You know, that's like if I'm at work sometime and I want to just go off on somebody. Well, don't do that because it's not just you, sir. You've got a wife. You've got two or three kids. What do they do? They're innocent. But me, me, disliking something that my wife did can impede on everything else. We have to be focused. Well,
Speaker #1
there's a happy,
Speaker #0
happy wife, happy life.
Speaker #1
Come on, happy.
Speaker #0
You see, so I've learned in over time that list will shrink and the loveless get longer. But it's temporary. Something on the loveless can go to that dislike list, but it's temporarily.
Speaker #1
I like I like that. I was thinking, you know, I'm trying to avoid some things, but it's really not avoiding some things. It's like I'm choosing. I'm going to decide whether this is worth even dealing with. Because some things are not worth it.
Speaker #0
I mean, think about it. Is it? You know, what that really was, you know. But then it's something you say, well, you know, this has been too consistent. Let's have a conversation. And it's okay. Even with that conversation, you may leave the conversation and then like what you heard. or what you hear. You may leave the conversation saying, you're not answering my question. Well, if I answer it the best I can. Okay. And I may say to you, what do you need me to say?
Speaker #1
So let's talk about being mature enough to hear the dislikes.
Speaker #0
Well, if you're going to ask somebody to share with you something they don't like. If you're not ready for the answer,
Speaker #1
don't ask the question. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. If you're not ready for the answer, don't ask the question. So you need to be mature enough to hear what the other person is going to say. And I may not like what you're going to say.
Speaker #0
You notice if we ever have a question to ask, we may not ask our spouse or our children. We ask other folks that don't live with us, not close to us, because they're going to say, oh, beautiful. But you're kidding when they give you honors. Why did you say that? Because they're telling you. They're answering the truth. Are you ready for the truth? So even in this, my loveless or my dislike list, are you ready to hear the list?
Speaker #1
And I think it's important to know the things that your spouse doesn't like, right? Because we, here again, we dwell with each other according to knowledge. And that knowing helps us maneuver. with one another throughout, you know, throughout our life. I'm sitting here trying to think of some stuff I don't like.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm sure your list got much shorter now. Shorter list? 20 years ago, your list probably would have been so long, you'd still be talking. But I mean, so now it's things on my list. I mean, you know, our first encounter, why you drive that way? That's how I drive. That was on my list. I don't like when I'm driving for to hear that unless I'm doing something that endangers us.
Speaker #1
So it was on my list and it was on your list.
Speaker #0
So now that's no longer on my list no more. My wife said, why are you driving? I went, I'll tell her why. It may not be happy and it may not be something she wanted to hear, but she asked me. So I tell her.
Speaker #1
But I don't even ask you as much as I used to.
Speaker #0
You're absolutely right. No, you don't. No, you don't.
Speaker #1
I've gotten better.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. So guess what?
Speaker #1
I just sit there and pray. Oh,
Speaker #0
well, I mean, I don't think I drive that bad. But I mean, that's someone else's opinion.
Speaker #1
I'm teasing. But it's interesting that as we grow in our relationship, because we're committed. Yes. Because we're committed to this relationship. We work through those things, even the things that we don't like. But I love that you said we still need to discuss the dislike.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm praying everyone listen to this. What they get out of this is work on getting your dislike list smaller than your like list. and it's going to take some time but if you're working on it you can start putting some things off of that list right away if we don't be so self-centered if we're not so self-centered wow this is so good to me so um our list has gotten shorter absolutely i don't even know if we really have a list anymore that's the truth i
Speaker #1
don't i don't even know if we really have a list anymore. It's very rare for there to be conflict. And I think because we just start having mature conversations about situations before they get to a place where they could become this huge conflict. Right. So I love don't be afraid to discuss things that you don't like.
Speaker #0
Right. And you know how when you know your love list has gotten longer than your dislike list. If someone speak against your spouse and it's out of order, you go right away. Oh, no, no, no, no. You, you. got that wrong. Why? I'm defending based off the loveless, not with perception. See, people could see something, but they don't have the whole picture. But they make a statement, and you're right away with that judgment. You're coming off your loveless. Oh, no, no, no, that's not. You miss, you know, why? You're defending part of your loveless.
Speaker #1
So can I encourage newlyweds and people It could even be somebody been married 10 years and they like, man, my dislike list is still long. I heard what you said, but this list over here is long. Well, I want to encourage you that as you begin to apply these principles and have conversations and really you make the choice, you go, you know what? That's not even worth it. That's not even worth it. And I recognize you. I recognize the enemy I recognize him trying to bring division between the two of us and we're going to stand against that division and so guess what love believes the best and so I'm just going to believe the best well you think about it a house divided can't stand so if the enemy can get us divided we're not going to stand but if we start picking and choosing our battles oh no I'm not going to do that one why should
Speaker #0
I waste valuable energy on something that really is, it's really no big deal anyway. I can make it a huge deal. But if it's so small, pick and choose your battle because you're going to have them. Things are going to come that you're going to have to talk about. But every little thing for you to know, you're tired of talking when you need to talk.
Speaker #1
I love that you said, like, you can make it a huge deal. Guess what? Or you can make it a small deal. So you get to choose what it's going to be.
Speaker #0
And you mess up your spouse, too, because your spouse is already used to you making it big. And as soon as you say it's no big deal, they say, oh, so what's up with you now?
Speaker #1
Wait, we're going to make this a fight right here.
Speaker #0
So now something else done came up Because of the adjustment
Speaker #1
And it surprises you Wait a minute now your adjustments is on my dislike list It's on my dislike list I didn't like when you did Well wait a minute yesterday you didn't like when I did this I'll tell you about something And then you won't even talk to me about it You calm and cool about it This is not normal
Speaker #0
What's up with you now What's going on So the whole the context Of the whole situation shifts Even in your adjustment.
Speaker #1
And that's so good. I know we talk about it. We've made several adjustments. Several adjustments over the years. And we will continue to make several adjustments over the years. And so because we're always working on that list. I want my love list to be a whole lot bigger than that dislike list. And so that is so good.
Speaker #0
You ever hear of... someone say you know i i've i've been in this marriage so long i know my wife so well i mean it's just whatever it is it is they haven't given up but really on their list everything that was on the dislike list is on the like list now so basically what i'm gonna do i just like everything even if they if my wife shares some other way i just like everything you eliminate the bad list period but now do that take time to get there yes okay and even with the adjustment because their person is still changing. You just said, you know, I love my wife. I even love when she did that.
Speaker #1
Thank you for releasing your faith and loving even that right there. It made me think about Hobby Lobby and the stores that I like to go into. Any home goods at home, any stores like that, because I love decorating. I love houses. I love all that kind of stuff. And you don't. That would be on your dislike list. But you go with me. And you take me.
Speaker #0
Honestly, it's not as much on my dislike list as it was before. Wow. My wife happy. I put up with Hobby Lobby even though my sinus isn't. I'm just going Hobby. You happy? Let's go and come out. But it used to be on my list of where, why are we going there? But now, honey, you want to go to Hobby Lobby? Let's just go.
Speaker #1
Let's just go.
Speaker #0
And when I get it, I tell you, no, don't have me smelling no candle. No, it's a little powerful now. Either I'm going to have to walk outside.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
you don't have to walk outside to go back to the bathroom, get away from that. And then I'm hoping you're ready to go. But it's I do better.
Speaker #1
You do better now. OK,
Speaker #0
so I haven't went by myself to get you something.
Speaker #1
Come on, went by yourself. But guess what? If you go by yourself, you get out fast. Oh,
Speaker #0
real fast. Real fast. Oh,
Speaker #1
real fast. OK, so. That sounds simple, but how did that become?
Speaker #0
Because I know how happy you'd be in Hobby Lobby.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute.
Speaker #0
It's a happy place. And I want to see you happy. So if Hobby Lobby make you happy, then we went to Hobby Lobby so much, a young lady said, ma'am, do you want an application? I said, whoa. My wife, I don't know the last time she did a job like that, but they said, do you want an application? I'm thinking, was we here that much? But I mean, you happy? I'm happy.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. So putting your spouse, what makes them happy, putting that as a priority.
Speaker #0
You reap what you sow.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So this is self-centered. No.
Speaker #0
This is.
Speaker #1
Wait, I make my wife happy. She makes me happy.
Speaker #0
It's give and take for both sides.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And I think it works vice versa as well. Right. I know there's certain things that you necessarily, you don't like it. And so, you know, we just grow up. And you mature, you kind of leave some things alone. And you're not so adamant about having your own way.
Speaker #0
I'm a crab leg man. I go to a crab leg bar, you can eat for five hours. My wife, I sit there, eat what she's going to eat. No, I nip, but she stay there until I'm finished.
Speaker #1
That is the... That is the absolute truth. So,
Speaker #0
hey, you do that for me.
Speaker #1
Why am I sitting there for hours while you are? No shit,
Speaker #0
because you can go in the car, cut the car, cut the heat on, lock the door and nod back a few minutes.
Speaker #1
I know why. Because it makes you happy. Thank you. Yeah, because it makes you happy. And that's a beautiful place to get where making each other happy becomes the priority. That's right. Somebody's got to be willing to surrender.
Speaker #0
Because it'll come around. You'll get what you want to do. I'm telling you, if you show it long enough, it works out. It works out. Yeah. It'll never be lopsided.
Speaker #1
So you take me to Hobby Lobby, and then you get something, too. Right.
Speaker #0
We only mentioned one place, but I mean, there's several places. There's several places. But I do believe your love list will most certainly be larger than your dislike list.
Speaker #1
My love list.
Speaker #0
Over time, man. When it start out, the list may be opposite. But at some point, you want to start shipping stuff.
Speaker #1
Wait, that is so good because there are people who are watching and they say, I don't know what they're talking about. This list, my dislike list is so large. I'm ready to leave here today. I don't want to be bothered with this no more.
Speaker #0
Right. And watch what you say now. You say you never do nothing right. You always doing this wrong. Then you go on. I mean, that's what you're going to get. At some point, you need to say, honey, you know, you're getting better with that. Honey, you're doing good with that. Thank you. And you do this. You do this. So it only bring it don't only bring comfort to you, but it encourages the person. I mean, you know, it's OK to say, honey, you can better with that. And if you're saying it by faith, hallelujah. But you need to say that because if you're always saying the other part, you can't say, well, why do you keep doing it? Because you keep telling me it.
Speaker #1
And to show appreciation.
Speaker #0
When they make those adjustments,
Speaker #1
appreciate the adjustments. There's a practical tip for you today. Appreciate the adjustments. And so I'm verbally. appreciate those adjustments, right? It's like, boo, thank you so much for taking me today. Thank you for hanging out with me. Because guess what? I already know you don't like it. I don't need to say that part. I already know that you don't like it and that because you love me, you're doing something that you don't really like. Thank you.
Speaker #0
And you do it not out of familiar, not out of I just need to say something. My wife cooked me a good meal and it's good. That meal was delicious. Wait, wait,
Speaker #1
wait. Hold up. Your wife always cook you good.
Speaker #0
And I always say... thank you, honey. I appreciate it. And I say that. Man,
Speaker #1
that's so good because appreciation will go a long way. It'll go a long way. Come on, it'll take some stuff off that disc.
Speaker #0
I appreciate it because you don't know what they had to do to push through that. They probably didn't want to get up and go in no kitchen at all. But they do that out of love for you.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. And I want to be mindful not to become familiar. With the appreciation.
Speaker #0
Because for me, oh, you're just doing that. That's what you always do well. You can dilute what's being stated. No,
Speaker #1
you need to celebrate the appreciation, right? So, because, you know, you do it all the time. So I don't want to take that for granted. But all the time, you thank me for the meal. Not only do you thank me for the meal, you thank me for that good loving too.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Come on!
Speaker #0
Double thanks.
Speaker #1
And then I celebrate. We celebrate those appreciated. Thank you so much, babe. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you will take you a long way.
Speaker #0
I see. So you keep the loveless in front of you. Keep appreciating it. Thank you. Thank you. That loveless now overpowers the dislikeless. And really, if you do it long enough, the dislikeless will disappear over time.
Speaker #1
Oh, come on. The dislikeless will disappear.
Speaker #0
So you like when your wife did that? I love when she do that.
Speaker #1
Did you have to release your face for that?
Speaker #0
No, no, because at that point, it's nothing.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. So I can just decorate, change the house, just switch the furniture, just do whatever.
Speaker #0
We do that shit. I don't have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it at all.
Speaker #1
That's because when I'm finished, I take good care of you.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Happy wife. Happy. I love you.
Speaker #1
Love you. And my love list just got longer.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
That disliked list disappeared. Disappearing.
Speaker #0
And now, listen, this is 27 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So it'll take you a minute, but listen, don't despise small beginnings. Yes. A small step, a baby step is still a step. Celebrate it.
Speaker #1
Celebrate all those steps. And that is so valuable, so important to hear, just those words of appreciation. Right. Words of affirmation. Just saying those sweet. I mean, we just talk sweet. We're going to have to do a podcast about how we how we talk to one another and and what we allow each other to hear. But that it is start pulling things off that dislike.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Matter of fact, things will get feed and run off because you're not even entertaining them. It kills itself. You're no longer speaking life into you, no longer saying it anymore. It really will die on purpose because you're not giving it the breath to live.
Speaker #1
I love it. It'll die on purpose. It'll get feed and run away. Run away. You're not feeding it. Come on, I'm not feeding that right there. I'm feeding that.
Speaker #0
And you'll mess up the person that's doing it. They're going to say, whoa. If I did that about a week ago, something is going on here. I don't know what it is, but something's changing. Now they start to see the difference. It even make them adjust.
Speaker #1
That's so good. So we will pay attention and appreciate one another. We're going to pull some things off that dislike list. And over time, stop acknowledging all that stuff. Don't magnify it. Magnify the.
Speaker #0
The love list. If you get one negative, then put three great memories, love memories on it. If you get one drowning with three love things on you, then you're memoryless. What I love.
Speaker #1
It's what I love.
Speaker #0
And then keep it current. Whatever they did yesterday, the day that you love, focus on that.
Speaker #1
Tell me something you love about me.
Speaker #0
I love the way you talk, your affirmation. You're always telling me, hey, you're great. You're my best friend. You're my... My lover. All that. My only lover. Only lover.
Speaker #1
And my best friend.
Speaker #0
My best friend. All that is affirmation, confirmation. And let me know I'm doing something. Well, I get a report card.
Speaker #1
Come on, you're doing something.
Speaker #0
I get a report card. I get an A+.
Speaker #1
You get an A+. Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's a report card.
Speaker #1
You get a report card. I love that. And the more we do that, the more we focus on the things that we love, the less attention we're paying to the things that we don't like.
Speaker #0
And don't start giving a report card. Then I'm going to think something wrong.
Speaker #1
Oh, you want a report card?
Speaker #0
Yeah, just keep giving them to me. I'll keep giving them to you.
Speaker #1
How often do you want that?
Speaker #0
As soon as you think it.
Speaker #1
Daily. Yeah, just daily. I tell you. Every day. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That's what I say. I get a good report card.
Speaker #1
Bro, you the man. Amen.
Speaker #0
Big daddy. Simply marvelous.
Speaker #1
Simply marvelous. So what would you say to people that are watching and they're struggling with the list?
Speaker #0
I would tell them once again. affirmation, celebrate small things, small steps. I remember about the last thing y'all did. That was great. I would tell them, if someone gave you one negative, you get three positives against it. What are you doing? You're going against one negative with three positives. It drowns out the negative.
Speaker #1
Drown out the negative.
Speaker #0
So take three and one. If you get one negative, then you do what? Give me three love things off my love list. That's what I'm going to do.
Speaker #1
You be like, Lord, I need three things. Help me.
Speaker #0
And if you only got one, then you fire with one. But your lists will get longer.
Speaker #1
Wow.
Speaker #0
Don't allow that one to overpower it. You got to have one. If you said I do, at least focus back to that.
Speaker #1
There's one thing you love about me.
Speaker #0
So go back to that. I mean, whatever that was, go back to that. Keep saying that. And I believe others will come.
Speaker #1
I'm trying to remember. Why did I marry him?
Speaker #0
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, sometimes it could be, well, hallelujah, whatever it is. You know, they should sing a song, the same thing it took to get your baby hooked. It's going to take the same thing to keep it. Just focus on that. That's all you got right now. Hold on to something. So even if you get that, that's a start. Nothing beat a failure but a try. Try that.
Speaker #1
I like it. So are you holding on to what it took to get me?
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
What did it take to get me?
Speaker #0
Oh, it took me to, well, honestly, honestly, from the beginning. One dance, bro. One dance.
Speaker #1
One dance.
Speaker #0
One dance, and we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #1
And we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #0
Ever since.
Speaker #1
I like it.
Speaker #0
One dance, and I refuse anybody else couldn't dance with you. Because you wanted me to be the only one.
Speaker #2
Wait a minute. I wanted you. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
But you didn't let nobody else dance with me. We got an agreement.
Speaker #1
We got an agreement.
Speaker #0
I was the only one that wanted to dance with you. You wanted me to be the only one that you wanted to dance with.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm glad you're telling yourself that. I love you.
Speaker #0
I love you.
Speaker #1
All right. So I trust that this has been a help to you today, this conversation. Hey, you two have a conversation. I know somebody's watching this. Well, he won't even talk to me about it. I can't even get them to watch the podcast. You keep making the commitment. You pray. You trust God. You put the principles into play and you'll be sending us a testimony because you're going to see a difference in your house. Be grateful. Appreciate.
Speaker #0
That's right.
Speaker #1
Shout out some affirmations. They'll be like, what's wrong with you? And watch what will happen. Man, this has been good. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing the loveless. Amen. This is a Committed Hearts podcast. Join us again next time. Put that application in. Practice. exactly what we were sharing with you today. Put it into play. You're going to see a difference. Have a great day.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

What do you do when you love your spouse… but you don’t like what they’re doing?

You’ll learn how to:

Keep dislikes from becoming resentment
Handle conflict without avoiding it
Shrink the “dislike list” through maturity and communication
Use appreciation and affirmations to change the atmosphere in your home
Apply the “3 positives for every 1 negative” principle
Celebrate small steps and keep love at the forefront

If you’ve ever thought, “Why does that bother me so much?”—this episode will give you tools to respond with wisdom, stay committed, and grow stronger together.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth—delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found—they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Welcome to the Committed Heart Podcast. I'm William Porter.
Speaker #1
And I'm Donna Porter.
Speaker #0
We open up with prayer. Father, we thank you for this time. Coming to just work on and just have a discussion about our marriages. Thank you for the foundation. We thank you that trust is included. We thank you, Father, that we're going to trust you as we go through with this podcast. Father, that all hearts and minds are clear and will leave here different than what they came. So we thank you, Father, that we do this by faith, not by sight. We're ready to catch this revelation this week.
Speaker #1
Amen. Well, I'm excited about this podcast because I love this topic that we're getting ready to talk about. Okay. All right. And you guys are going to enjoy this. So get ready, right? Be expecting to hear something. I trust the Holy Spirit is going to say something that will transform your life and your marriage in their home. It's going to get even better and better because they're committed. All right. So I was thinking about this. When I don't like the one I love, that's our topic, right? Because you would say to me, nobody likes everything about their spouse. And for the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is. that you don't like about me right but honestly we know that there's always gonna be some dislikes like him but when he does that right there or when they say that right there or when they behave like that right there It does something to me. I know, I know, I know you're at home right now thinking, they talking about us. They talking about us. So let's talk about when you don't like the one you love. Because those dislikes, they should not change the love that you have for one another.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, you should always have yourself. When you see something that you don't like. but it's coming through the one you love, drown yourself with love and memories. Honestly, it drowns out dislike. And the reason you need to do that, if you're not careful, you start to meditate on the dislike, it becomes magnified. Shut that down right away because it's already frustrating you.
Speaker #1
Okay, wait. So you have some pet peeves, some things like they just get on your nerves. Or I know you say, don't let it get on my nerves. Things that bother you. Just do you have them? I'm not asking you what they are.
Speaker #0
I would say yes.
Speaker #1
You would say yes.
Speaker #0
Can I? Yes. It may not be the same thing all the time. So it ain't like I got one thing and that's it. It may not be the same thing all the time. Timing could be everything.
Speaker #1
Timing.
Speaker #0
When it was stated, how it was stated. So it could be something that I like yesterday, but the way it was presented today, it could be disliked.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So tone can have a lot to do with this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Because Because even if it's something I dislike, don't mean it's something I dislike all the time. It's timing, tone, all that have something to do with it.
Speaker #1
I'm just sitting here thinking, I will say that the love list is a lot bigger than the I don't like list. And I think that's important, especially from what you're saying. It's like you often say, you know, we choose our battles. We choose our battles. And. I can either choose to magnify the things I don't like or I can choose to magnify the things I love.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. So I'm hoping I'm hoping you're like this could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Temporary. My love list or my your love list could have a temporary stay on the dislike list. Something I love that you do, depending on the time and the time it was done, the place it was done. it could become on the dislike list because it was done out of the timing. It wasn't right. Whatever. So now it's temporary, but now it could come back to this list in the next 10, 15 minutes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I see that.
Speaker #0
So my point is my love list is much longer than my list. That is permanently. There's some things I don't like. I don't know anything that's permanent on that list because you have some permanent things earlier in the marriage that no longer even phase you.
Speaker #1
Oh, that's so good. So things that you used to dislike.
Speaker #0
um they no longer matter to you because i didn't grew out of that you grew out of that i i didn't grew out of self and into my marriage now my wife is still an individual so she's not gonna be me she's not gonna do what i do so that's why i respect her about her her boundaries what she do is what she do if it's not hurting me honey please do whatever you want to do you happy i'm happy but and there's some things that i would say if we're doing it together you know this is we like things you know it's something i like to eat my food you know that to go against that That'll make the temporary list for that minute. But in 20 minutes, it could be back on the love list.
Speaker #1
It's a temporary list.
Speaker #0
So your love list is much longer than the list that you got permanent. And I have a permanent list younger. Right, dislikes. But now, as we've been married and I'm learning my wife, I know my wife. First of all, I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #1
I'm comfortable in me.
Speaker #0
Which means, you know, I don't. It don't have to be my way all the time. And I get my way.
Speaker #1
It doesn't have to be my way all the time.
Speaker #0
And when you get to that point, you really, you really catapult the marriage, love for that marriage. It catapults.
Speaker #1
So can can you avoid the things or at least some of the things that you don't like those dislikes? Can you avoid some of those?
Speaker #0
I'm sure you can, but that may not be healthy. I mean, they may they may need to happen for the relationship to be healthy. If I avoid them from happening, how do we work on them to where it could possibly make the loveless?
Speaker #1
Oh, I like this. So we don't try to avoid conflicts. We we learn how to resolve conflicts.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, we always say if we have a disagreement, we stay current. Let's talk about it. So if we do that, we're trying to eliminate that happening again. It may happen in a different way, but even with them, we can approach it as if we know we've dealt with this before. But what would cause it to happen again?
Speaker #1
You get on my nerves. I already told you.
Speaker #0
I already told you I don't like that. Right. And so then I could say, was it was just something to irritate me? Well,
Speaker #1
first of all, I would never approach you that way.
Speaker #0
Right. Well, let's say this. I always tell my children, don't let no one know how to get you upset or how to control your day.
Speaker #1
You don't give anybody that kind of power.
Speaker #0
Don't give anybody that kind of power. So what am I saying there? Even in my marriage, I pick and choose what I'm going to release my power or relinquish my power to. So in the younger days, I had a list probably year long. But now. It's probably not an order list.
Speaker #1
Because? Me? Yeah,
Speaker #0
because, well, let me say this. It may not have been about you, but at that point, it might have been self-centered. This is just things I like. So if they ain't doing what I like, so that may make my bad list.
Speaker #1
Oh, wait, so selfishness can create a list.
Speaker #0
Oh, it creates a list by itself. I'm self-centered. So if you're self-centered, you don't leave off that center point because it's about you. But when it becomes marriage, I no longer be self-centered. I have to be partner-centered, which means I've got a partner now. It's someone else involved with it. My decisions are not just for me now. My decisions are for someone else included. And then when you start getting family, they're included in every decision. You know, that's like if I'm at work sometime and I want to just go off on somebody. Well, don't do that because it's not just you, sir. You've got a wife. You've got two or three kids. What do they do? They're innocent. But me, me, disliking something that my wife did can impede on everything else. We have to be focused. Well,
Speaker #1
there's a happy,
Speaker #0
happy wife, happy life.
Speaker #1
Come on, happy.
Speaker #0
You see, so I've learned in over time that list will shrink and the loveless get longer. But it's temporary. Something on the loveless can go to that dislike list, but it's temporarily.
Speaker #1
I like I like that. I was thinking, you know, I'm trying to avoid some things, but it's really not avoiding some things. It's like I'm choosing. I'm going to decide whether this is worth even dealing with. Because some things are not worth it.
Speaker #0
I mean, think about it. Is it? You know, what that really was, you know. But then it's something you say, well, you know, this has been too consistent. Let's have a conversation. And it's okay. Even with that conversation, you may leave the conversation and then like what you heard. or what you hear. You may leave the conversation saying, you're not answering my question. Well, if I answer it the best I can. Okay. And I may say to you, what do you need me to say?
Speaker #1
So let's talk about being mature enough to hear the dislikes.
Speaker #0
Well, if you're going to ask somebody to share with you something they don't like. If you're not ready for the answer,
Speaker #1
don't ask the question. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. If you're not ready for the answer, don't ask the question. So you need to be mature enough to hear what the other person is going to say. And I may not like what you're going to say.
Speaker #0
You notice if we ever have a question to ask, we may not ask our spouse or our children. We ask other folks that don't live with us, not close to us, because they're going to say, oh, beautiful. But you're kidding when they give you honors. Why did you say that? Because they're telling you. They're answering the truth. Are you ready for the truth? So even in this, my loveless or my dislike list, are you ready to hear the list?
Speaker #1
And I think it's important to know the things that your spouse doesn't like, right? Because we, here again, we dwell with each other according to knowledge. And that knowing helps us maneuver. with one another throughout, you know, throughout our life. I'm sitting here trying to think of some stuff I don't like.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm sure your list got much shorter now. Shorter list? 20 years ago, your list probably would have been so long, you'd still be talking. But I mean, so now it's things on my list. I mean, you know, our first encounter, why you drive that way? That's how I drive. That was on my list. I don't like when I'm driving for to hear that unless I'm doing something that endangers us.
Speaker #1
So it was on my list and it was on your list.
Speaker #0
So now that's no longer on my list no more. My wife said, why are you driving? I went, I'll tell her why. It may not be happy and it may not be something she wanted to hear, but she asked me. So I tell her.
Speaker #1
But I don't even ask you as much as I used to.
Speaker #0
You're absolutely right. No, you don't. No, you don't.
Speaker #1
I've gotten better.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. So guess what?
Speaker #1
I just sit there and pray. Oh,
Speaker #0
well, I mean, I don't think I drive that bad. But I mean, that's someone else's opinion.
Speaker #1
I'm teasing. But it's interesting that as we grow in our relationship, because we're committed. Yes. Because we're committed to this relationship. We work through those things, even the things that we don't like. But I love that you said we still need to discuss the dislike.
Speaker #0
Well, I'm praying everyone listen to this. What they get out of this is work on getting your dislike list smaller than your like list. and it's going to take some time but if you're working on it you can start putting some things off of that list right away if we don't be so self-centered if we're not so self-centered wow this is so good to me so um our list has gotten shorter absolutely i don't even know if we really have a list anymore that's the truth i
Speaker #1
don't i don't even know if we really have a list anymore. It's very rare for there to be conflict. And I think because we just start having mature conversations about situations before they get to a place where they could become this huge conflict. Right. So I love don't be afraid to discuss things that you don't like.
Speaker #0
Right. And you know how when you know your love list has gotten longer than your dislike list. If someone speak against your spouse and it's out of order, you go right away. Oh, no, no, no, no. You, you. got that wrong. Why? I'm defending based off the loveless, not with perception. See, people could see something, but they don't have the whole picture. But they make a statement, and you're right away with that judgment. You're coming off your loveless. Oh, no, no, no, that's not. You miss, you know, why? You're defending part of your loveless.
Speaker #1
So can I encourage newlyweds and people It could even be somebody been married 10 years and they like, man, my dislike list is still long. I heard what you said, but this list over here is long. Well, I want to encourage you that as you begin to apply these principles and have conversations and really you make the choice, you go, you know what? That's not even worth it. That's not even worth it. And I recognize you. I recognize the enemy I recognize him trying to bring division between the two of us and we're going to stand against that division and so guess what love believes the best and so I'm just going to believe the best well you think about it a house divided can't stand so if the enemy can get us divided we're not going to stand but if we start picking and choosing our battles oh no I'm not going to do that one why should
Speaker #0
I waste valuable energy on something that really is, it's really no big deal anyway. I can make it a huge deal. But if it's so small, pick and choose your battle because you're going to have them. Things are going to come that you're going to have to talk about. But every little thing for you to know, you're tired of talking when you need to talk.
Speaker #1
I love that you said, like, you can make it a huge deal. Guess what? Or you can make it a small deal. So you get to choose what it's going to be.
Speaker #0
And you mess up your spouse, too, because your spouse is already used to you making it big. And as soon as you say it's no big deal, they say, oh, so what's up with you now?
Speaker #1
Wait, we're going to make this a fight right here.
Speaker #0
So now something else done came up Because of the adjustment
Speaker #1
And it surprises you Wait a minute now your adjustments is on my dislike list It's on my dislike list I didn't like when you did Well wait a minute yesterday you didn't like when I did this I'll tell you about something And then you won't even talk to me about it You calm and cool about it This is not normal
Speaker #0
What's up with you now What's going on So the whole the context Of the whole situation shifts Even in your adjustment.
Speaker #1
And that's so good. I know we talk about it. We've made several adjustments. Several adjustments over the years. And we will continue to make several adjustments over the years. And so because we're always working on that list. I want my love list to be a whole lot bigger than that dislike list. And so that is so good.
Speaker #0
You ever hear of... someone say you know i i've i've been in this marriage so long i know my wife so well i mean it's just whatever it is it is they haven't given up but really on their list everything that was on the dislike list is on the like list now so basically what i'm gonna do i just like everything even if they if my wife shares some other way i just like everything you eliminate the bad list period but now do that take time to get there yes okay and even with the adjustment because their person is still changing. You just said, you know, I love my wife. I even love when she did that.
Speaker #1
Thank you for releasing your faith and loving even that right there. It made me think about Hobby Lobby and the stores that I like to go into. Any home goods at home, any stores like that, because I love decorating. I love houses. I love all that kind of stuff. And you don't. That would be on your dislike list. But you go with me. And you take me.
Speaker #0
Honestly, it's not as much on my dislike list as it was before. Wow. My wife happy. I put up with Hobby Lobby even though my sinus isn't. I'm just going Hobby. You happy? Let's go and come out. But it used to be on my list of where, why are we going there? But now, honey, you want to go to Hobby Lobby? Let's just go.
Speaker #1
Let's just go.
Speaker #0
And when I get it, I tell you, no, don't have me smelling no candle. No, it's a little powerful now. Either I'm going to have to walk outside.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
you don't have to walk outside to go back to the bathroom, get away from that. And then I'm hoping you're ready to go. But it's I do better.
Speaker #1
You do better now. OK,
Speaker #0
so I haven't went by myself to get you something.
Speaker #1
Come on, went by yourself. But guess what? If you go by yourself, you get out fast. Oh,
Speaker #0
real fast. Real fast. Oh,
Speaker #1
real fast. OK, so. That sounds simple, but how did that become?
Speaker #0
Because I know how happy you'd be in Hobby Lobby.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute.
Speaker #0
It's a happy place. And I want to see you happy. So if Hobby Lobby make you happy, then we went to Hobby Lobby so much, a young lady said, ma'am, do you want an application? I said, whoa. My wife, I don't know the last time she did a job like that, but they said, do you want an application? I'm thinking, was we here that much? But I mean, you happy? I'm happy.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. So putting your spouse, what makes them happy, putting that as a priority.
Speaker #0
You reap what you sow.
Speaker #1
Wait a minute. So this is self-centered. No.
Speaker #0
This is.
Speaker #1
Wait, I make my wife happy. She makes me happy.
Speaker #0
It's give and take for both sides.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And I think it works vice versa as well. Right. I know there's certain things that you necessarily, you don't like it. And so, you know, we just grow up. And you mature, you kind of leave some things alone. And you're not so adamant about having your own way.
Speaker #0
I'm a crab leg man. I go to a crab leg bar, you can eat for five hours. My wife, I sit there, eat what she's going to eat. No, I nip, but she stay there until I'm finished.
Speaker #1
That is the... That is the absolute truth. So,
Speaker #0
hey, you do that for me.
Speaker #1
Why am I sitting there for hours while you are? No shit,
Speaker #0
because you can go in the car, cut the car, cut the heat on, lock the door and nod back a few minutes.
Speaker #1
I know why. Because it makes you happy. Thank you. Yeah, because it makes you happy. And that's a beautiful place to get where making each other happy becomes the priority. That's right. Somebody's got to be willing to surrender.
Speaker #0
Because it'll come around. You'll get what you want to do. I'm telling you, if you show it long enough, it works out. It works out. Yeah. It'll never be lopsided.
Speaker #1
So you take me to Hobby Lobby, and then you get something, too. Right.
Speaker #0
We only mentioned one place, but I mean, there's several places. There's several places. But I do believe your love list will most certainly be larger than your dislike list.
Speaker #1
My love list.
Speaker #0
Over time, man. When it start out, the list may be opposite. But at some point, you want to start shipping stuff.
Speaker #1
Wait, that is so good because there are people who are watching and they say, I don't know what they're talking about. This list, my dislike list is so large. I'm ready to leave here today. I don't want to be bothered with this no more.
Speaker #0
Right. And watch what you say now. You say you never do nothing right. You always doing this wrong. Then you go on. I mean, that's what you're going to get. At some point, you need to say, honey, you know, you're getting better with that. Honey, you're doing good with that. Thank you. And you do this. You do this. So it only bring it don't only bring comfort to you, but it encourages the person. I mean, you know, it's OK to say, honey, you can better with that. And if you're saying it by faith, hallelujah. But you need to say that because if you're always saying the other part, you can't say, well, why do you keep doing it? Because you keep telling me it.
Speaker #1
And to show appreciation.
Speaker #0
When they make those adjustments,
Speaker #1
appreciate the adjustments. There's a practical tip for you today. Appreciate the adjustments. And so I'm verbally. appreciate those adjustments, right? It's like, boo, thank you so much for taking me today. Thank you for hanging out with me. Because guess what? I already know you don't like it. I don't need to say that part. I already know that you don't like it and that because you love me, you're doing something that you don't really like. Thank you.
Speaker #0
And you do it not out of familiar, not out of I just need to say something. My wife cooked me a good meal and it's good. That meal was delicious. Wait, wait,
Speaker #1
wait. Hold up. Your wife always cook you good.
Speaker #0
And I always say... thank you, honey. I appreciate it. And I say that. Man,
Speaker #1
that's so good because appreciation will go a long way. It'll go a long way. Come on, it'll take some stuff off that disc.
Speaker #0
I appreciate it because you don't know what they had to do to push through that. They probably didn't want to get up and go in no kitchen at all. But they do that out of love for you.
Speaker #1
That is so sweet. And I want to be mindful not to become familiar. With the appreciation.
Speaker #0
Because for me, oh, you're just doing that. That's what you always do well. You can dilute what's being stated. No,
Speaker #1
you need to celebrate the appreciation, right? So, because, you know, you do it all the time. So I don't want to take that for granted. But all the time, you thank me for the meal. Not only do you thank me for the meal, you thank me for that good loving too.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
Come on!
Speaker #0
Double thanks.
Speaker #1
And then I celebrate. We celebrate those appreciated. Thank you so much, babe. Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you will take you a long way.
Speaker #0
I see. So you keep the loveless in front of you. Keep appreciating it. Thank you. Thank you. That loveless now overpowers the dislikeless. And really, if you do it long enough, the dislikeless will disappear over time.
Speaker #1
Oh, come on. The dislikeless will disappear.
Speaker #0
So you like when your wife did that? I love when she do that.
Speaker #1
Did you have to release your face for that?
Speaker #0
No, no, because at that point, it's nothing.
Speaker #1
It's no big deal. So I can just decorate, change the house, just switch the furniture, just do whatever.
Speaker #0
We do that shit. I don't have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it at all.
Speaker #1
That's because when I'm finished, I take good care of you.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Happy wife. Happy. I love you.
Speaker #1
Love you. And my love list just got longer.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
That disliked list disappeared. Disappearing.
Speaker #0
And now, listen, this is 27 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So it'll take you a minute, but listen, don't despise small beginnings. Yes. A small step, a baby step is still a step. Celebrate it.
Speaker #1
Celebrate all those steps. And that is so valuable, so important to hear, just those words of appreciation. Right. Words of affirmation. Just saying those sweet. I mean, we just talk sweet. We're going to have to do a podcast about how we how we talk to one another and and what we allow each other to hear. But that it is start pulling things off that dislike.
Speaker #0
Absolutely. Matter of fact, things will get feed and run off because you're not even entertaining them. It kills itself. You're no longer speaking life into you, no longer saying it anymore. It really will die on purpose because you're not giving it the breath to live.
Speaker #1
I love it. It'll die on purpose. It'll get feed and run away. Run away. You're not feeding it. Come on, I'm not feeding that right there. I'm feeding that.
Speaker #0
And you'll mess up the person that's doing it. They're going to say, whoa. If I did that about a week ago, something is going on here. I don't know what it is, but something's changing. Now they start to see the difference. It even make them adjust.
Speaker #1
That's so good. So we will pay attention and appreciate one another. We're going to pull some things off that dislike list. And over time, stop acknowledging all that stuff. Don't magnify it. Magnify the.
Speaker #0
The love list. If you get one negative, then put three great memories, love memories on it. If you get one drowning with three love things on you, then you're memoryless. What I love.
Speaker #1
It's what I love.
Speaker #0
And then keep it current. Whatever they did yesterday, the day that you love, focus on that.
Speaker #1
Tell me something you love about me.
Speaker #0
I love the way you talk, your affirmation. You're always telling me, hey, you're great. You're my best friend. You're my... My lover. All that. My only lover. Only lover.
Speaker #1
And my best friend.
Speaker #0
My best friend. All that is affirmation, confirmation. And let me know I'm doing something. Well, I get a report card.
Speaker #1
Come on, you're doing something.
Speaker #0
I get a report card. I get an A+.
Speaker #1
You get an A+. Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's a report card.
Speaker #1
You get a report card. I love that. And the more we do that, the more we focus on the things that we love, the less attention we're paying to the things that we don't like.
Speaker #0
And don't start giving a report card. Then I'm going to think something wrong.
Speaker #1
Oh, you want a report card?
Speaker #0
Yeah, just keep giving them to me. I'll keep giving them to you.
Speaker #1
How often do you want that?
Speaker #0
As soon as you think it.
Speaker #1
Daily. Yeah, just daily. I tell you. Every day. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That's what I say. I get a good report card.
Speaker #1
Bro, you the man. Amen.
Speaker #0
Big daddy. Simply marvelous.
Speaker #1
Simply marvelous. So what would you say to people that are watching and they're struggling with the list?
Speaker #0
I would tell them once again. affirmation, celebrate small things, small steps. I remember about the last thing y'all did. That was great. I would tell them, if someone gave you one negative, you get three positives against it. What are you doing? You're going against one negative with three positives. It drowns out the negative.
Speaker #1
Drown out the negative.
Speaker #0
So take three and one. If you get one negative, then you do what? Give me three love things off my love list. That's what I'm going to do.
Speaker #1
You be like, Lord, I need three things. Help me.
Speaker #0
And if you only got one, then you fire with one. But your lists will get longer.
Speaker #1
Wow.
Speaker #0
Don't allow that one to overpower it. You got to have one. If you said I do, at least focus back to that.
Speaker #1
There's one thing you love about me.
Speaker #0
So go back to that. I mean, whatever that was, go back to that. Keep saying that. And I believe others will come.
Speaker #1
I'm trying to remember. Why did I marry him?
Speaker #0
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, sometimes it could be, well, hallelujah, whatever it is. You know, they should sing a song, the same thing it took to get your baby hooked. It's going to take the same thing to keep it. Just focus on that. That's all you got right now. Hold on to something. So even if you get that, that's a start. Nothing beat a failure but a try. Try that.
Speaker #1
I like it. So are you holding on to what it took to get me?
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
What did it take to get me?
Speaker #0
Oh, it took me to, well, honestly, honestly, from the beginning. One dance, bro. One dance.
Speaker #1
One dance.
Speaker #0
One dance, and we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #1
And we've been dancing ever since.
Speaker #0
Ever since.
Speaker #1
I like it.
Speaker #0
One dance, and I refuse anybody else couldn't dance with you. Because you wanted me to be the only one.
Speaker #2
Wait a minute. I wanted you. Absolutely.
Speaker #0
But you didn't let nobody else dance with me. We got an agreement.
Speaker #1
We got an agreement.
Speaker #0
I was the only one that wanted to dance with you. You wanted me to be the only one that you wanted to dance with.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm glad you're telling yourself that. I love you.
Speaker #0
I love you.
Speaker #1
All right. So I trust that this has been a help to you today, this conversation. Hey, you two have a conversation. I know somebody's watching this. Well, he won't even talk to me about it. I can't even get them to watch the podcast. You keep making the commitment. You pray. You trust God. You put the principles into play and you'll be sending us a testimony because you're going to see a difference in your house. Be grateful. Appreciate.
Speaker #0
That's right.
Speaker #1
Shout out some affirmations. They'll be like, what's wrong with you? And watch what will happen. Man, this has been good. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing the loveless. Amen. This is a Committed Hearts podcast. Join us again next time. Put that application in. Practice. exactly what we were sharing with you today. Put it into play. You're going to see a difference. Have a great day.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About COMMITTED HEARTS

Hosted by The Porters, pastors, marriage counselors, and partners for more than 25 years, each episode blends real-life stories, faith-shaped wisdom, and practical tools couples can apply right away.

You’ll hear honest conversations about communication, connection, conflict, intimacy, and spiritual growth, delivered with grace, humor, and zero judgment.

Whether you're newly engaged or decades into marriage, Committed Hearts will encourage you, challenge you, and help you grow together emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Because great marriages aren’t found, they’re intentionally built, one committed heart at a time.

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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