52 | The Feedback Loop: Communication Without Conflict for Your Marriage

Follow on Facebook

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow on TikTok

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever had someone tell you something that was meant to help you, but it ended up hurting you? It turned into a big, huge argument or disagreement? Well, in today's episode, we're going to close the constructive criticism loophole and tell you how to have a conversation that benefits both individuals. Find out now, up next. Well, hey, everyone, welcome again to the Home Haven podcast. If this is your first time downloading or watching, hey, thanks so much for tuning in. This is your home for faith-based content to help your communication in your relationships. Thanks so much for joining us and tuning in. Let's dive right into today's topic.
Speaker #1
That's right. Our podcast episode title today is The Feedback Loop, Constructive Criticism Without Conflict. So this is a good one. We're actually going to do it in two parts. So we're going to start today. We'll talk about criticism and then wrap it up next week. So definitely stay tuned for that. But let's start with defining criticism. in a relationship. And if we, should we be criticizing our partner? No, no, we're done.
Speaker #0
Yeah. No, you don't want to criticize the scripture says that we're to speak words of grace and Colossians that minister grace and edifier lift up the listener. So my words would always lift you up. I love it. Not to bring you down.
Speaker #1
I love it.
Speaker #0
And so if I'm speaking words, that are not uplifting, that's something that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to convict me of. And I got to change. Amen. So that when I speak to you, my words are not, you're not doing this and you're making me feel this way. And when you do this, right, all these you, you, you. Yes. And whatever else, the blame game, whatever else that we're spitting fire on. Yep. I need to spend time lifting you up and edifying you.
Speaker #1
Right. You know, some people would say. And constructive criticism is a good thing because it's helping the other person, you know, figure out the negatives and giving them feedback to how they can change those things that they're doing wrong. Okay.
Speaker #0
So there's two parts. There's a difference between criticism and condemnation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And I would say still that criticism is different than correction.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So, and the second part is. And I'm just thinking about Jesus saying, you know, before you go to move the toothpick out of your brother's eye, get the telephone pole out of your eye. Correct. So who am I to be criticizing you?
Speaker #1
Right. And we need to remember that first, which sometimes people might say that's hard to do. And they want to say, well, I'm just helping him get better. I'm helping her get better by letting them know where they have room for improvement.
Speaker #0
That might not be your place.
Speaker #1
Or what they can do better or how they're not living up to what they want the relationship to be.
Speaker #0
That's not our job. That's Scott's job.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Okay. He is the fixer. Okay. I'm not the fixer. Okay. It is not my role to be pointing out your mistakes. Okay. Like I need to point out my own or like, I got enough. than me trying to say what Jen's doing or she's not doing, or you need to be doing it this way and that way. Right. Again, I'm just right.
Speaker #1
Right. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And I need to trust the God. first of all, it was that much changes. Probably. Is it a partner? And hopefully if we're dating, you know, then if you're,
Speaker #1
that's a red flag,
Speaker #0
right. So probably the right partner for you. Gotcha. You're already married. I got to ask God to like, you deal with me so that I can accept this person because they is who they is.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now, if there's some behaviors, this is just coming to mind, but maybe, maybe they were a little bit different when you were dating and now that you're married, you know, and you've been married for a few years and, you know, in your eyes, they may be slacking off in some of the things they're doing or, you know, maybe they're not cleaning up after themselves. And is that something that you're allowed? I know we're talking about criticize. So should you criticize that? Is there a place and a time and a way to approach them with those things? Right.
Speaker #0
That's correction.
Speaker #1
Okay. So that's the difference.
Speaker #0
It's a difference. Right. You know. Hey, you know, sweetheart, I've just kind of noticed that, you know, over the past week, I've seen a lot of your clothes on the floor. It's kind of made things a little bit more difficult and challenging for me this week. So it would really be, you know, a huge benefit to me if I could have an assistance of just kind of helping to put, you know, your clothes back on the cleaner. Right. Is that something that is possible?
Speaker #1
Now, what if you said that to your partner and then they just like flip out? Like, what are you talking about? Like. I'll clean up when I want to clean up. Like, why are you worried about my clothes on the floor?
Speaker #0
you know,
Speaker #1
you're going to have maybe that response. It's not always going to be, you know, scripted and perfect to how it should be.
Speaker #0
So then their response to that isn't to match energy with energy. It's like, okay,
Speaker #1
correct.
Speaker #0
I hear, I hear what you said and sounds great. okay right let it go okay all this tit tat i gotta match this and i gotta fire back and i gotta win and they flipped out okay you said your part it was perfect it was non-aggressive was not criticizing, they got some issues over there. Oh, no. And so I know now I've got some things I need to attack in prayer. Okay.
Speaker #1
Right?
Speaker #0
The scripture says in the book of Ephesians chapter 6, I believe it's, oh, verse 10, 11, 12, around there. 12, I believe it is. For we wrestle not, we are not fighting against flesh and blood. I'm not fighting you. I'm fighting the spirit. Okay. And so. we forget this sometimes as Christians. Again, we're coming from a biblical point of view, not a world point of view, that I'm dealing with a spirit, not Jennifer. So I'm not fighting the Jennifer I see in front of me. There might be an evil spirit that's trying to oppress you or trying to make you angry or sad. It's not me. It's not you. So Father, I speak peace over this home.
Speaker #1
Lord,
Speaker #0
I just release peace right now, Father. I just thank you that whatever atmosphere is trying to come against what you've set, we don't receive that. And so, Father, I thank you for bringing peace to my wife. That's right. And I'm trusting that God can work that out. Work it out and you'll come to me and say, you know what? I flipped out. I'm sorry. Right. Okay.
Speaker #1
I had some stuff going on.
Speaker #0
Okay. Right? I've done that. Yeah. Wasn't you? you know, my back's hurting and I just didn't excuse it, but here's what, what happened. Right.
Speaker #1
Had nothing to do with you.
Speaker #0
Again.
Speaker #1
And you can also take that, you know, apology instead of being like, well, that shouldn't matter, you know, deal with it and, and no mess up again. But in that example, one of the great things that that example showed was they really set that foundation to start the conversation. Right. So you're going to have to set that tone. You're going to have to have that trust. in your relationship in order to bring up the tougher type of conversations. Right. And instead of the criticism, right, can we do constructive feedback? That's kind of. 100%. Oh, absolutely. Let's change that constructive criticism, right, to some feedback that sometimes there is going to be some situations where you do need to bring something up. Here's a great example.
Speaker #0
I've mentioned this once or twice. Okay. Yesterday. you came out of the garage. I'm like, why are you walking like that? So walk through like what went through your mind. Was that criticism? and I was like, how am I walking? I'm like, yeah,
Speaker #1
my original thought was like, how am I walking? Like I didn't know I was walking any kind of different way. Okay. So I just kind of questioned that again. I didn't come back at you. Like what's wrong with you? Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? How am I walking? Right. That's how I want to walk. Let me walk how I want to walk. You know, um, no, it's true.
Speaker #0
That's how people respond. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #1
Or how dare you even talk about how I walk? are you in a position to tell me how I should walk?
Speaker #0
Is that a response that we should have in 2024? No.
Speaker #1
Why?
Speaker #0
Why should not that be my response? Why shouldn't that be my response? I mean,
Speaker #1
number one, you just need to have that honor and that respect and humility when you're dealing with your partner, no matter what is going on in their life or in situation and what may cause them to react or speak in a certain way. And we talk about this a lot, but when you are renewing your mind and you're in God's word and you're reading the scriptures and you're really praying and you're praying for your relationship, you know, you. are in control of your actions and your thoughts and how you are going to portray yourself in the relationship, no matter what the other person is doing. So that particular comment didn't bother me at all. Like I didn't really think anything of it. You know, other comments that you may say may kind of rub me the wrong way. I'll be, you know, in my mind, I might say something snappy back, but I would never, you know. say something mean in the moment to you just because I'm honoring you and respecting you as my husband.
Speaker #0
Is there an example you have of something I might say that you're like snappy? Can you think of one immediately?
Speaker #1
Maybe when, you know, I'm getting ready and taking a little bit longer time than you would like me to take. Okay. And you might say something like, what's taking you so long? Let's go. Let's get going. Okay. Snap, you know, kind of more like snapping at me. Right. You know, I could very easily in that moment be like, say something snappy right back. Yep. And, you know, I may have. done that more in the past when I was younger and had more of that sarcasm come back out. But I just, I'm not going to say something snappy and mean back to you. Just, I think ultimately because I have respect and honor and love you as my husband. So, and even when I do say in my mind, I'm immediately like, I shouldn't even be thinking that, you know, but I'm not going to let it come out of my mouth.
Speaker #0
Now it's good because that's real life. It happens. That's something small, but absolutely. I'm like, yeah, let's go. What's going on? Right. And that's just me being agitated. it's classic guy gal, guy gal. It's classic, right? Right. And so, because I was going to ask you, is what we are saying and what we're coaching and telling folks, do you feel as if it is just fluff? And like this is, they're giving us stuff that no one can do or this isn't real life. Like how would you respond to maybe some of that criticism or that thought of like. this is like the perfect scenario. Well,
Speaker #1
I would say you're probably only thinking and feeling like it's fluff because either number one, you haven't ever been around other people that have had that type of relationship for you to see or glean from, or you haven't been able to experience that yourself. But we base everything on the scripture and what God says and what God promises and what he says about marriage. And there's never anything in the Bible that says, you know, beware of marriage. It's a ball and chain, like go the other way. It's talking about, that's a good thing to find a wife for a man. And so God has joy for you. God has peace for you. God has, you know, he wants you to live life and see good days. And so that's ultimately where we're basing it off of. And so absolutely it's not fluff. If it, if it was fluff, I wouldn't be saying it. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So I want to give hope to people and we want to give them, not I, we want to give hope that it's really a death to self. And like, I'm not going into this thing. I think even sometimes, again, it's having a true relationship and a connection with Jesus. Because if I say something that's not cool, I have the Lord to get on me and be like, you know what, you need to chill out, buddy. You shouldn't have said that. Go apologize. Go say, you know, go fix that. You know, Jennifer doesn't have to say anything. You know, and so trust that God will speak to your spouse but also trust that God speak to me. Like, again, deal with me first. Let me be a husband that honors you. And I believe that if I honor God and be the husband that God wants me to be, that'll cause Jennifer to be the wife that I need her to be. And they always say,
Speaker #1
when you pray for other people, God's going to put you back on yourself. Like, he's going to speak to you about you. Oh, yeah. You know, he's not speaking to you about... you know, we said that about,
Speaker #0
you know, we were talking about our spouse and Lord has helped my spouse and I'm praying the promise. But a lot of times you go in there and pray to your spouse. He's like, yeah, but you, you, right. He doesn't use eye language. God says you, cause he's the perfect one. Right.
Speaker #1
Amen. So he's going to point that back on you. Ultimately you're in control of yourself, what you are going to allow yourself to act like, behave, respond. And so just pour yourself into his word. let him work through you because that's ultimately how you can respond in those ways. That's right.
Speaker #0
This is so good. We are, we've got seven things and we have like two minutes left. So of course we're not going to get into it. We'll start with the first one of ways to get this conflict to, was it criticism of the conflict? Yes,
Speaker #1
we're going to have constructive criticism, which we switch to feedback, right? So constructive feedback without conflict.
Speaker #0
Feedback without conflict.
Speaker #1
So we should be able to have constructive feedback. conversations with a partner without a huge conflict, disagreement, argument, things like that.
Speaker #0
First one is establish a foundation of love and respect. And this is something that we truly believe of starting out with like, Hey, I'm on your side and I've got to bring some things to the table to discuss. and so I want to discuss them so that we can get better and we can grow. And it might be behavior that I do want to see change or something that's important to me. And so we've got to talk through it. It might be our intimacy. It might be something that is happening in a... I really don't like it when you blow on my ear, you know? So, but I got to talk about that, right? So that we can grow through it, whatever it is, you know? So have that. love and respect so that it can be received. Yeah, it has to have that foundation.
Speaker #1
You have to have that trust there. If you don't have that trust and that love and that respect there, it's going to start crumbling as soon as those words start coming out of your mouth. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So the flip side of that is if it's like, hey. Whenever I say something is not received, well, it's probably because he doesn't, does he love you or respect you? We got to build some trust. We got to work on that part.
Speaker #1
We got to go back.
Speaker #0
But so I'm not, it's a brick wall. Whatever I'm saying isn't being received. Okay, back it up. You don't need to be giving constructive feedback right now. We got to work on it. We got to build trust.
Speaker #1
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker #0
Okay. So that's a good sign of if what we're saying isn't being received, we got to go back and we got to build some trust. How do I build trust? I got to ask. where i gotta find it out i can just guess yeah what has happened don't shy away from it yeah where did i go that's caused a breach of trust and how can i repair and exactly rebuild it yep we
Speaker #1
can go go to number two sure all right number two we need to choose the right time and the setting so you you know, I always hear you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but not at any time. Do you agree with that? Yeah. You know,
Speaker #0
you,
Speaker #1
you need to pick a correct time and both be in a good space. Emotions are calm and you need to pick that setting. You know, you don't want to be doing this with kids running around and, you know, circling you trying to ask you things. So it's really important to pick that. that good time for that discussion or what things are going at work or whatever it is.
Speaker #0
Like make sure it's, yeah, it's a good time and ask, is this a good time? Are we okay? Are you in a position to receive? Am I in a place to receive? Yep. I might be in a position to talk, but am I ready to hear? So let's set that time.
Speaker #1
If it's not right now, let's make a time. Let's stick to it, to it, get ourselves together. Yeah. The time comes. Don't put it off again.
Speaker #0
That's right. no we set side saturday at three o'clock we're gonna do it we're doing this that's right so all right because yeah we got we got some stuff going so let's go ahead and wrap it up and all right we'll keep going next week right yeah with our um
Speaker #1
constructive criticism which we're switching to feedback right constructive feedback without conflict we'll keep going next week so definitely stay tuned for that yeah stay tuned uh it's
Speaker #0
getting kind of late as we're recording so we always get silly at late at night but thank you so much for tuning in hey if you want to follow us on social we can be found at oak haven company uh we have a Jen posts a lot of stuff about our daily life. You can kind of see like, hey, we kind of are, kind of, we are who we say we are. That's right.
Speaker #1
Yeah, connect with us on Instagram. Definitely feel free to send us a message or if you have any questions or anything that you are agreeing or disagreeing with, definitely send us a message as well. We'd love to hear from you and get your feedback as well. Constructive.
Speaker #0
All right, we'll see you next week as we continue part two.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

You'll learn key tips on:

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

Whether you're newlyweds or navigating seasoned challenges, this episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

FREE RESOURCE

Prioritize What Matters! Get your FREE Relationship Planning Guide! https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/planner

Join our community! Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication. Visit us at: https://oakhavencompany.com

Be Social

Follow on Instagram

Follow on Facebook

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow on TikTok

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever had someone tell you something that was meant to help you, but it ended up hurting you? It turned into a big, huge argument or disagreement? Well, in today's episode, we're going to close the constructive criticism loophole and tell you how to have a conversation that benefits both individuals. Find out now, up next. Well, hey, everyone, welcome again to the Home Haven podcast. If this is your first time downloading or watching, hey, thanks so much for tuning in. This is your home for faith-based content to help your communication in your relationships. Thanks so much for joining us and tuning in. Let's dive right into today's topic.
Speaker #1
That's right. Our podcast episode title today is The Feedback Loop, Constructive Criticism Without Conflict. So this is a good one. We're actually going to do it in two parts. So we're going to start today. We'll talk about criticism and then wrap it up next week. So definitely stay tuned for that. But let's start with defining criticism. in a relationship. And if we, should we be criticizing our partner? No, no, we're done.
Speaker #0
Yeah. No, you don't want to criticize the scripture says that we're to speak words of grace and Colossians that minister grace and edifier lift up the listener. So my words would always lift you up. I love it. Not to bring you down.
Speaker #1
I love it.
Speaker #0
And so if I'm speaking words, that are not uplifting, that's something that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to convict me of. And I got to change. Amen. So that when I speak to you, my words are not, you're not doing this and you're making me feel this way. And when you do this, right, all these you, you, you. Yes. And whatever else, the blame game, whatever else that we're spitting fire on. Yep. I need to spend time lifting you up and edifying you.
Speaker #1
Right. You know, some people would say. And constructive criticism is a good thing because it's helping the other person, you know, figure out the negatives and giving them feedback to how they can change those things that they're doing wrong. Okay.
Speaker #0
So there's two parts. There's a difference between criticism and condemnation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And I would say still that criticism is different than correction.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So, and the second part is. And I'm just thinking about Jesus saying, you know, before you go to move the toothpick out of your brother's eye, get the telephone pole out of your eye. Correct. So who am I to be criticizing you?
Speaker #1
Right. And we need to remember that first, which sometimes people might say that's hard to do. And they want to say, well, I'm just helping him get better. I'm helping her get better by letting them know where they have room for improvement.
Speaker #0
That might not be your place.
Speaker #1
Or what they can do better or how they're not living up to what they want the relationship to be.
Speaker #0
That's not our job. That's Scott's job.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Okay. He is the fixer. Okay. I'm not the fixer. Okay. It is not my role to be pointing out your mistakes. Okay. Like I need to point out my own or like, I got enough. than me trying to say what Jen's doing or she's not doing, or you need to be doing it this way and that way. Right. Again, I'm just right.
Speaker #1
Right. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And I need to trust the God. first of all, it was that much changes. Probably. Is it a partner? And hopefully if we're dating, you know, then if you're,
Speaker #1
that's a red flag,
Speaker #0
right. So probably the right partner for you. Gotcha. You're already married. I got to ask God to like, you deal with me so that I can accept this person because they is who they is.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now, if there's some behaviors, this is just coming to mind, but maybe, maybe they were a little bit different when you were dating and now that you're married, you know, and you've been married for a few years and, you know, in your eyes, they may be slacking off in some of the things they're doing or, you know, maybe they're not cleaning up after themselves. And is that something that you're allowed? I know we're talking about criticize. So should you criticize that? Is there a place and a time and a way to approach them with those things? Right.
Speaker #0
That's correction.
Speaker #1
Okay. So that's the difference.
Speaker #0
It's a difference. Right. You know. Hey, you know, sweetheart, I've just kind of noticed that, you know, over the past week, I've seen a lot of your clothes on the floor. It's kind of made things a little bit more difficult and challenging for me this week. So it would really be, you know, a huge benefit to me if I could have an assistance of just kind of helping to put, you know, your clothes back on the cleaner. Right. Is that something that is possible?
Speaker #1
Now, what if you said that to your partner and then they just like flip out? Like, what are you talking about? Like. I'll clean up when I want to clean up. Like, why are you worried about my clothes on the floor?
Speaker #0
you know,
Speaker #1
you're going to have maybe that response. It's not always going to be, you know, scripted and perfect to how it should be.
Speaker #0
So then their response to that isn't to match energy with energy. It's like, okay,
Speaker #1
correct.
Speaker #0
I hear, I hear what you said and sounds great. okay right let it go okay all this tit tat i gotta match this and i gotta fire back and i gotta win and they flipped out okay you said your part it was perfect it was non-aggressive was not criticizing, they got some issues over there. Oh, no. And so I know now I've got some things I need to attack in prayer. Okay.
Speaker #1
Right?
Speaker #0
The scripture says in the book of Ephesians chapter 6, I believe it's, oh, verse 10, 11, 12, around there. 12, I believe it is. For we wrestle not, we are not fighting against flesh and blood. I'm not fighting you. I'm fighting the spirit. Okay. And so. we forget this sometimes as Christians. Again, we're coming from a biblical point of view, not a world point of view, that I'm dealing with a spirit, not Jennifer. So I'm not fighting the Jennifer I see in front of me. There might be an evil spirit that's trying to oppress you or trying to make you angry or sad. It's not me. It's not you. So Father, I speak peace over this home.
Speaker #1
Lord,
Speaker #0
I just release peace right now, Father. I just thank you that whatever atmosphere is trying to come against what you've set, we don't receive that. And so, Father, I thank you for bringing peace to my wife. That's right. And I'm trusting that God can work that out. Work it out and you'll come to me and say, you know what? I flipped out. I'm sorry. Right. Okay.
Speaker #1
I had some stuff going on.
Speaker #0
Okay. Right? I've done that. Yeah. Wasn't you? you know, my back's hurting and I just didn't excuse it, but here's what, what happened. Right.
Speaker #1
Had nothing to do with you.
Speaker #0
Again.
Speaker #1
And you can also take that, you know, apology instead of being like, well, that shouldn't matter, you know, deal with it and, and no mess up again. But in that example, one of the great things that that example showed was they really set that foundation to start the conversation. Right. So you're going to have to set that tone. You're going to have to have that trust. in your relationship in order to bring up the tougher type of conversations. Right. And instead of the criticism, right, can we do constructive feedback? That's kind of. 100%. Oh, absolutely. Let's change that constructive criticism, right, to some feedback that sometimes there is going to be some situations where you do need to bring something up. Here's a great example.
Speaker #0
I've mentioned this once or twice. Okay. Yesterday. you came out of the garage. I'm like, why are you walking like that? So walk through like what went through your mind. Was that criticism? and I was like, how am I walking? I'm like, yeah,
Speaker #1
my original thought was like, how am I walking? Like I didn't know I was walking any kind of different way. Okay. So I just kind of questioned that again. I didn't come back at you. Like what's wrong with you? Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? How am I walking? Right. That's how I want to walk. Let me walk how I want to walk. You know, um, no, it's true.
Speaker #0
That's how people respond. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #1
Or how dare you even talk about how I walk? are you in a position to tell me how I should walk?
Speaker #0
Is that a response that we should have in 2024? No.
Speaker #1
Why?
Speaker #0
Why should not that be my response? Why shouldn't that be my response? I mean,
Speaker #1
number one, you just need to have that honor and that respect and humility when you're dealing with your partner, no matter what is going on in their life or in situation and what may cause them to react or speak in a certain way. And we talk about this a lot, but when you are renewing your mind and you're in God's word and you're reading the scriptures and you're really praying and you're praying for your relationship, you know, you. are in control of your actions and your thoughts and how you are going to portray yourself in the relationship, no matter what the other person is doing. So that particular comment didn't bother me at all. Like I didn't really think anything of it. You know, other comments that you may say may kind of rub me the wrong way. I'll be, you know, in my mind, I might say something snappy back, but I would never, you know. say something mean in the moment to you just because I'm honoring you and respecting you as my husband.
Speaker #0
Is there an example you have of something I might say that you're like snappy? Can you think of one immediately?
Speaker #1
Maybe when, you know, I'm getting ready and taking a little bit longer time than you would like me to take. Okay. And you might say something like, what's taking you so long? Let's go. Let's get going. Okay. Snap, you know, kind of more like snapping at me. Right. You know, I could very easily in that moment be like, say something snappy right back. Yep. And, you know, I may have. done that more in the past when I was younger and had more of that sarcasm come back out. But I just, I'm not going to say something snappy and mean back to you. Just, I think ultimately because I have respect and honor and love you as my husband. So, and even when I do say in my mind, I'm immediately like, I shouldn't even be thinking that, you know, but I'm not going to let it come out of my mouth.
Speaker #0
Now it's good because that's real life. It happens. That's something small, but absolutely. I'm like, yeah, let's go. What's going on? Right. And that's just me being agitated. it's classic guy gal, guy gal. It's classic, right? Right. And so, because I was going to ask you, is what we are saying and what we're coaching and telling folks, do you feel as if it is just fluff? And like this is, they're giving us stuff that no one can do or this isn't real life. Like how would you respond to maybe some of that criticism or that thought of like. this is like the perfect scenario. Well,
Speaker #1
I would say you're probably only thinking and feeling like it's fluff because either number one, you haven't ever been around other people that have had that type of relationship for you to see or glean from, or you haven't been able to experience that yourself. But we base everything on the scripture and what God says and what God promises and what he says about marriage. And there's never anything in the Bible that says, you know, beware of marriage. It's a ball and chain, like go the other way. It's talking about, that's a good thing to find a wife for a man. And so God has joy for you. God has peace for you. God has, you know, he wants you to live life and see good days. And so that's ultimately where we're basing it off of. And so absolutely it's not fluff. If it, if it was fluff, I wouldn't be saying it. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So I want to give hope to people and we want to give them, not I, we want to give hope that it's really a death to self. And like, I'm not going into this thing. I think even sometimes, again, it's having a true relationship and a connection with Jesus. Because if I say something that's not cool, I have the Lord to get on me and be like, you know what, you need to chill out, buddy. You shouldn't have said that. Go apologize. Go say, you know, go fix that. You know, Jennifer doesn't have to say anything. You know, and so trust that God will speak to your spouse but also trust that God speak to me. Like, again, deal with me first. Let me be a husband that honors you. And I believe that if I honor God and be the husband that God wants me to be, that'll cause Jennifer to be the wife that I need her to be. And they always say,
Speaker #1
when you pray for other people, God's going to put you back on yourself. Like, he's going to speak to you about you. Oh, yeah. You know, he's not speaking to you about... you know, we said that about,
Speaker #0
you know, we were talking about our spouse and Lord has helped my spouse and I'm praying the promise. But a lot of times you go in there and pray to your spouse. He's like, yeah, but you, you, right. He doesn't use eye language. God says you, cause he's the perfect one. Right.
Speaker #1
Amen. So he's going to point that back on you. Ultimately you're in control of yourself, what you are going to allow yourself to act like, behave, respond. And so just pour yourself into his word. let him work through you because that's ultimately how you can respond in those ways. That's right.
Speaker #0
This is so good. We are, we've got seven things and we have like two minutes left. So of course we're not going to get into it. We'll start with the first one of ways to get this conflict to, was it criticism of the conflict? Yes,
Speaker #1
we're going to have constructive criticism, which we switch to feedback, right? So constructive feedback without conflict.
Speaker #0
Feedback without conflict.
Speaker #1
So we should be able to have constructive feedback. conversations with a partner without a huge conflict, disagreement, argument, things like that.
Speaker #0
First one is establish a foundation of love and respect. And this is something that we truly believe of starting out with like, Hey, I'm on your side and I've got to bring some things to the table to discuss. and so I want to discuss them so that we can get better and we can grow. And it might be behavior that I do want to see change or something that's important to me. And so we've got to talk through it. It might be our intimacy. It might be something that is happening in a... I really don't like it when you blow on my ear, you know? So, but I got to talk about that, right? So that we can grow through it, whatever it is, you know? So have that. love and respect so that it can be received. Yeah, it has to have that foundation.
Speaker #1
You have to have that trust there. If you don't have that trust and that love and that respect there, it's going to start crumbling as soon as those words start coming out of your mouth. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So the flip side of that is if it's like, hey. Whenever I say something is not received, well, it's probably because he doesn't, does he love you or respect you? We got to build some trust. We got to work on that part.
Speaker #1
We got to go back.
Speaker #0
But so I'm not, it's a brick wall. Whatever I'm saying isn't being received. Okay, back it up. You don't need to be giving constructive feedback right now. We got to work on it. We got to build trust.
Speaker #1
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker #0
Okay. So that's a good sign of if what we're saying isn't being received, we got to go back and we got to build some trust. How do I build trust? I got to ask. where i gotta find it out i can just guess yeah what has happened don't shy away from it yeah where did i go that's caused a breach of trust and how can i repair and exactly rebuild it yep we
Speaker #1
can go go to number two sure all right number two we need to choose the right time and the setting so you you know, I always hear you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but not at any time. Do you agree with that? Yeah. You know,
Speaker #0
you,
Speaker #1
you need to pick a correct time and both be in a good space. Emotions are calm and you need to pick that setting. You know, you don't want to be doing this with kids running around and, you know, circling you trying to ask you things. So it's really important to pick that. that good time for that discussion or what things are going at work or whatever it is.
Speaker #0
Like make sure it's, yeah, it's a good time and ask, is this a good time? Are we okay? Are you in a position to receive? Am I in a place to receive? Yep. I might be in a position to talk, but am I ready to hear? So let's set that time.
Speaker #1
If it's not right now, let's make a time. Let's stick to it, to it, get ourselves together. Yeah. The time comes. Don't put it off again.
Speaker #0
That's right. no we set side saturday at three o'clock we're gonna do it we're doing this that's right so all right because yeah we got we got some stuff going so let's go ahead and wrap it up and all right we'll keep going next week right yeah with our um
Speaker #1
constructive criticism which we're switching to feedback right constructive feedback without conflict we'll keep going next week so definitely stay tuned for that yeah stay tuned uh it's
Speaker #0
getting kind of late as we're recording so we always get silly at late at night but thank you so much for tuning in hey if you want to follow us on social we can be found at oak haven company uh we have a Jen posts a lot of stuff about our daily life. You can kind of see like, hey, we kind of are, kind of, we are who we say we are. That's right.
Speaker #1
Yeah, connect with us on Instagram. Definitely feel free to send us a message or if you have any questions or anything that you are agreeing or disagreeing with, definitely send us a message as well. We'd love to hear from you and get your feedback as well. Constructive.
Speaker #0
All right, we'll see you next week as we continue part two.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Embed

You may also like

Description

You'll learn key tips on:

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

Whether you're newlyweds or navigating seasoned challenges, this episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

FREE RESOURCE

Prioritize What Matters! Get your FREE Relationship Planning Guide! https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/planner

Join our community! Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication. Visit us at: https://oakhavencompany.com

Be Social

Follow on Instagram

Follow on Facebook

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow on TikTok

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever had someone tell you something that was meant to help you, but it ended up hurting you? It turned into a big, huge argument or disagreement? Well, in today's episode, we're going to close the constructive criticism loophole and tell you how to have a conversation that benefits both individuals. Find out now, up next. Well, hey, everyone, welcome again to the Home Haven podcast. If this is your first time downloading or watching, hey, thanks so much for tuning in. This is your home for faith-based content to help your communication in your relationships. Thanks so much for joining us and tuning in. Let's dive right into today's topic.
Speaker #1
That's right. Our podcast episode title today is The Feedback Loop, Constructive Criticism Without Conflict. So this is a good one. We're actually going to do it in two parts. So we're going to start today. We'll talk about criticism and then wrap it up next week. So definitely stay tuned for that. But let's start with defining criticism. in a relationship. And if we, should we be criticizing our partner? No, no, we're done.
Speaker #0
Yeah. No, you don't want to criticize the scripture says that we're to speak words of grace and Colossians that minister grace and edifier lift up the listener. So my words would always lift you up. I love it. Not to bring you down.
Speaker #1
I love it.
Speaker #0
And so if I'm speaking words, that are not uplifting, that's something that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to convict me of. And I got to change. Amen. So that when I speak to you, my words are not, you're not doing this and you're making me feel this way. And when you do this, right, all these you, you, you. Yes. And whatever else, the blame game, whatever else that we're spitting fire on. Yep. I need to spend time lifting you up and edifying you.
Speaker #1
Right. You know, some people would say. And constructive criticism is a good thing because it's helping the other person, you know, figure out the negatives and giving them feedback to how they can change those things that they're doing wrong. Okay.
Speaker #0
So there's two parts. There's a difference between criticism and condemnation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And I would say still that criticism is different than correction.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So, and the second part is. And I'm just thinking about Jesus saying, you know, before you go to move the toothpick out of your brother's eye, get the telephone pole out of your eye. Correct. So who am I to be criticizing you?
Speaker #1
Right. And we need to remember that first, which sometimes people might say that's hard to do. And they want to say, well, I'm just helping him get better. I'm helping her get better by letting them know where they have room for improvement.
Speaker #0
That might not be your place.
Speaker #1
Or what they can do better or how they're not living up to what they want the relationship to be.
Speaker #0
That's not our job. That's Scott's job.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Okay. He is the fixer. Okay. I'm not the fixer. Okay. It is not my role to be pointing out your mistakes. Okay. Like I need to point out my own or like, I got enough. than me trying to say what Jen's doing or she's not doing, or you need to be doing it this way and that way. Right. Again, I'm just right.
Speaker #1
Right. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And I need to trust the God. first of all, it was that much changes. Probably. Is it a partner? And hopefully if we're dating, you know, then if you're,
Speaker #1
that's a red flag,
Speaker #0
right. So probably the right partner for you. Gotcha. You're already married. I got to ask God to like, you deal with me so that I can accept this person because they is who they is.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now, if there's some behaviors, this is just coming to mind, but maybe, maybe they were a little bit different when you were dating and now that you're married, you know, and you've been married for a few years and, you know, in your eyes, they may be slacking off in some of the things they're doing or, you know, maybe they're not cleaning up after themselves. And is that something that you're allowed? I know we're talking about criticize. So should you criticize that? Is there a place and a time and a way to approach them with those things? Right.
Speaker #0
That's correction.
Speaker #1
Okay. So that's the difference.
Speaker #0
It's a difference. Right. You know. Hey, you know, sweetheart, I've just kind of noticed that, you know, over the past week, I've seen a lot of your clothes on the floor. It's kind of made things a little bit more difficult and challenging for me this week. So it would really be, you know, a huge benefit to me if I could have an assistance of just kind of helping to put, you know, your clothes back on the cleaner. Right. Is that something that is possible?
Speaker #1
Now, what if you said that to your partner and then they just like flip out? Like, what are you talking about? Like. I'll clean up when I want to clean up. Like, why are you worried about my clothes on the floor?
Speaker #0
you know,
Speaker #1
you're going to have maybe that response. It's not always going to be, you know, scripted and perfect to how it should be.
Speaker #0
So then their response to that isn't to match energy with energy. It's like, okay,
Speaker #1
correct.
Speaker #0
I hear, I hear what you said and sounds great. okay right let it go okay all this tit tat i gotta match this and i gotta fire back and i gotta win and they flipped out okay you said your part it was perfect it was non-aggressive was not criticizing, they got some issues over there. Oh, no. And so I know now I've got some things I need to attack in prayer. Okay.
Speaker #1
Right?
Speaker #0
The scripture says in the book of Ephesians chapter 6, I believe it's, oh, verse 10, 11, 12, around there. 12, I believe it is. For we wrestle not, we are not fighting against flesh and blood. I'm not fighting you. I'm fighting the spirit. Okay. And so. we forget this sometimes as Christians. Again, we're coming from a biblical point of view, not a world point of view, that I'm dealing with a spirit, not Jennifer. So I'm not fighting the Jennifer I see in front of me. There might be an evil spirit that's trying to oppress you or trying to make you angry or sad. It's not me. It's not you. So Father, I speak peace over this home.
Speaker #1
Lord,
Speaker #0
I just release peace right now, Father. I just thank you that whatever atmosphere is trying to come against what you've set, we don't receive that. And so, Father, I thank you for bringing peace to my wife. That's right. And I'm trusting that God can work that out. Work it out and you'll come to me and say, you know what? I flipped out. I'm sorry. Right. Okay.
Speaker #1
I had some stuff going on.
Speaker #0
Okay. Right? I've done that. Yeah. Wasn't you? you know, my back's hurting and I just didn't excuse it, but here's what, what happened. Right.
Speaker #1
Had nothing to do with you.
Speaker #0
Again.
Speaker #1
And you can also take that, you know, apology instead of being like, well, that shouldn't matter, you know, deal with it and, and no mess up again. But in that example, one of the great things that that example showed was they really set that foundation to start the conversation. Right. So you're going to have to set that tone. You're going to have to have that trust. in your relationship in order to bring up the tougher type of conversations. Right. And instead of the criticism, right, can we do constructive feedback? That's kind of. 100%. Oh, absolutely. Let's change that constructive criticism, right, to some feedback that sometimes there is going to be some situations where you do need to bring something up. Here's a great example.
Speaker #0
I've mentioned this once or twice. Okay. Yesterday. you came out of the garage. I'm like, why are you walking like that? So walk through like what went through your mind. Was that criticism? and I was like, how am I walking? I'm like, yeah,
Speaker #1
my original thought was like, how am I walking? Like I didn't know I was walking any kind of different way. Okay. So I just kind of questioned that again. I didn't come back at you. Like what's wrong with you? Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? How am I walking? Right. That's how I want to walk. Let me walk how I want to walk. You know, um, no, it's true.
Speaker #0
That's how people respond. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #1
Or how dare you even talk about how I walk? are you in a position to tell me how I should walk?
Speaker #0
Is that a response that we should have in 2024? No.
Speaker #1
Why?
Speaker #0
Why should not that be my response? Why shouldn't that be my response? I mean,
Speaker #1
number one, you just need to have that honor and that respect and humility when you're dealing with your partner, no matter what is going on in their life or in situation and what may cause them to react or speak in a certain way. And we talk about this a lot, but when you are renewing your mind and you're in God's word and you're reading the scriptures and you're really praying and you're praying for your relationship, you know, you. are in control of your actions and your thoughts and how you are going to portray yourself in the relationship, no matter what the other person is doing. So that particular comment didn't bother me at all. Like I didn't really think anything of it. You know, other comments that you may say may kind of rub me the wrong way. I'll be, you know, in my mind, I might say something snappy back, but I would never, you know. say something mean in the moment to you just because I'm honoring you and respecting you as my husband.
Speaker #0
Is there an example you have of something I might say that you're like snappy? Can you think of one immediately?
Speaker #1
Maybe when, you know, I'm getting ready and taking a little bit longer time than you would like me to take. Okay. And you might say something like, what's taking you so long? Let's go. Let's get going. Okay. Snap, you know, kind of more like snapping at me. Right. You know, I could very easily in that moment be like, say something snappy right back. Yep. And, you know, I may have. done that more in the past when I was younger and had more of that sarcasm come back out. But I just, I'm not going to say something snappy and mean back to you. Just, I think ultimately because I have respect and honor and love you as my husband. So, and even when I do say in my mind, I'm immediately like, I shouldn't even be thinking that, you know, but I'm not going to let it come out of my mouth.
Speaker #0
Now it's good because that's real life. It happens. That's something small, but absolutely. I'm like, yeah, let's go. What's going on? Right. And that's just me being agitated. it's classic guy gal, guy gal. It's classic, right? Right. And so, because I was going to ask you, is what we are saying and what we're coaching and telling folks, do you feel as if it is just fluff? And like this is, they're giving us stuff that no one can do or this isn't real life. Like how would you respond to maybe some of that criticism or that thought of like. this is like the perfect scenario. Well,
Speaker #1
I would say you're probably only thinking and feeling like it's fluff because either number one, you haven't ever been around other people that have had that type of relationship for you to see or glean from, or you haven't been able to experience that yourself. But we base everything on the scripture and what God says and what God promises and what he says about marriage. And there's never anything in the Bible that says, you know, beware of marriage. It's a ball and chain, like go the other way. It's talking about, that's a good thing to find a wife for a man. And so God has joy for you. God has peace for you. God has, you know, he wants you to live life and see good days. And so that's ultimately where we're basing it off of. And so absolutely it's not fluff. If it, if it was fluff, I wouldn't be saying it. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So I want to give hope to people and we want to give them, not I, we want to give hope that it's really a death to self. And like, I'm not going into this thing. I think even sometimes, again, it's having a true relationship and a connection with Jesus. Because if I say something that's not cool, I have the Lord to get on me and be like, you know what, you need to chill out, buddy. You shouldn't have said that. Go apologize. Go say, you know, go fix that. You know, Jennifer doesn't have to say anything. You know, and so trust that God will speak to your spouse but also trust that God speak to me. Like, again, deal with me first. Let me be a husband that honors you. And I believe that if I honor God and be the husband that God wants me to be, that'll cause Jennifer to be the wife that I need her to be. And they always say,
Speaker #1
when you pray for other people, God's going to put you back on yourself. Like, he's going to speak to you about you. Oh, yeah. You know, he's not speaking to you about... you know, we said that about,
Speaker #0
you know, we were talking about our spouse and Lord has helped my spouse and I'm praying the promise. But a lot of times you go in there and pray to your spouse. He's like, yeah, but you, you, right. He doesn't use eye language. God says you, cause he's the perfect one. Right.
Speaker #1
Amen. So he's going to point that back on you. Ultimately you're in control of yourself, what you are going to allow yourself to act like, behave, respond. And so just pour yourself into his word. let him work through you because that's ultimately how you can respond in those ways. That's right.
Speaker #0
This is so good. We are, we've got seven things and we have like two minutes left. So of course we're not going to get into it. We'll start with the first one of ways to get this conflict to, was it criticism of the conflict? Yes,
Speaker #1
we're going to have constructive criticism, which we switch to feedback, right? So constructive feedback without conflict.
Speaker #0
Feedback without conflict.
Speaker #1
So we should be able to have constructive feedback. conversations with a partner without a huge conflict, disagreement, argument, things like that.
Speaker #0
First one is establish a foundation of love and respect. And this is something that we truly believe of starting out with like, Hey, I'm on your side and I've got to bring some things to the table to discuss. and so I want to discuss them so that we can get better and we can grow. And it might be behavior that I do want to see change or something that's important to me. And so we've got to talk through it. It might be our intimacy. It might be something that is happening in a... I really don't like it when you blow on my ear, you know? So, but I got to talk about that, right? So that we can grow through it, whatever it is, you know? So have that. love and respect so that it can be received. Yeah, it has to have that foundation.
Speaker #1
You have to have that trust there. If you don't have that trust and that love and that respect there, it's going to start crumbling as soon as those words start coming out of your mouth. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So the flip side of that is if it's like, hey. Whenever I say something is not received, well, it's probably because he doesn't, does he love you or respect you? We got to build some trust. We got to work on that part.
Speaker #1
We got to go back.
Speaker #0
But so I'm not, it's a brick wall. Whatever I'm saying isn't being received. Okay, back it up. You don't need to be giving constructive feedback right now. We got to work on it. We got to build trust.
Speaker #1
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker #0
Okay. So that's a good sign of if what we're saying isn't being received, we got to go back and we got to build some trust. How do I build trust? I got to ask. where i gotta find it out i can just guess yeah what has happened don't shy away from it yeah where did i go that's caused a breach of trust and how can i repair and exactly rebuild it yep we
Speaker #1
can go go to number two sure all right number two we need to choose the right time and the setting so you you know, I always hear you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but not at any time. Do you agree with that? Yeah. You know,
Speaker #0
you,
Speaker #1
you need to pick a correct time and both be in a good space. Emotions are calm and you need to pick that setting. You know, you don't want to be doing this with kids running around and, you know, circling you trying to ask you things. So it's really important to pick that. that good time for that discussion or what things are going at work or whatever it is.
Speaker #0
Like make sure it's, yeah, it's a good time and ask, is this a good time? Are we okay? Are you in a position to receive? Am I in a place to receive? Yep. I might be in a position to talk, but am I ready to hear? So let's set that time.
Speaker #1
If it's not right now, let's make a time. Let's stick to it, to it, get ourselves together. Yeah. The time comes. Don't put it off again.
Speaker #0
That's right. no we set side saturday at three o'clock we're gonna do it we're doing this that's right so all right because yeah we got we got some stuff going so let's go ahead and wrap it up and all right we'll keep going next week right yeah with our um
Speaker #1
constructive criticism which we're switching to feedback right constructive feedback without conflict we'll keep going next week so definitely stay tuned for that yeah stay tuned uh it's
Speaker #0
getting kind of late as we're recording so we always get silly at late at night but thank you so much for tuning in hey if you want to follow us on social we can be found at oak haven company uh we have a Jen posts a lot of stuff about our daily life. You can kind of see like, hey, we kind of are, kind of, we are who we say we are. That's right.
Speaker #1
Yeah, connect with us on Instagram. Definitely feel free to send us a message or if you have any questions or anything that you are agreeing or disagreeing with, definitely send us a message as well. We'd love to hear from you and get your feedback as well. Constructive.
Speaker #0
All right, we'll see you next week as we continue part two.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

You'll learn key tips on:

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

Whether you're newlyweds or navigating seasoned challenges, this episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

FREE RESOURCE

Prioritize What Matters! Get your FREE Relationship Planning Guide! https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/planner

Join our community! Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication. Visit us at: https://oakhavencompany.com

Be Social

Follow on Instagram

Follow on Facebook

Subscribe on YouTube

Follow on TikTok

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever had someone tell you something that was meant to help you, but it ended up hurting you? It turned into a big, huge argument or disagreement? Well, in today's episode, we're going to close the constructive criticism loophole and tell you how to have a conversation that benefits both individuals. Find out now, up next. Well, hey, everyone, welcome again to the Home Haven podcast. If this is your first time downloading or watching, hey, thanks so much for tuning in. This is your home for faith-based content to help your communication in your relationships. Thanks so much for joining us and tuning in. Let's dive right into today's topic.
Speaker #1
That's right. Our podcast episode title today is The Feedback Loop, Constructive Criticism Without Conflict. So this is a good one. We're actually going to do it in two parts. So we're going to start today. We'll talk about criticism and then wrap it up next week. So definitely stay tuned for that. But let's start with defining criticism. in a relationship. And if we, should we be criticizing our partner? No, no, we're done.
Speaker #0
Yeah. No, you don't want to criticize the scripture says that we're to speak words of grace and Colossians that minister grace and edifier lift up the listener. So my words would always lift you up. I love it. Not to bring you down.
Speaker #1
I love it.
Speaker #0
And so if I'm speaking words, that are not uplifting, that's something that I need to allow the Holy Spirit to convict me of. And I got to change. Amen. So that when I speak to you, my words are not, you're not doing this and you're making me feel this way. And when you do this, right, all these you, you, you. Yes. And whatever else, the blame game, whatever else that we're spitting fire on. Yep. I need to spend time lifting you up and edifying you.
Speaker #1
Right. You know, some people would say. And constructive criticism is a good thing because it's helping the other person, you know, figure out the negatives and giving them feedback to how they can change those things that they're doing wrong. Okay.
Speaker #0
So there's two parts. There's a difference between criticism and condemnation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And I would say still that criticism is different than correction.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So, and the second part is. And I'm just thinking about Jesus saying, you know, before you go to move the toothpick out of your brother's eye, get the telephone pole out of your eye. Correct. So who am I to be criticizing you?
Speaker #1
Right. And we need to remember that first, which sometimes people might say that's hard to do. And they want to say, well, I'm just helping him get better. I'm helping her get better by letting them know where they have room for improvement.
Speaker #0
That might not be your place.
Speaker #1
Or what they can do better or how they're not living up to what they want the relationship to be.
Speaker #0
That's not our job. That's Scott's job.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Okay. He is the fixer. Okay. I'm not the fixer. Okay. It is not my role to be pointing out your mistakes. Okay. Like I need to point out my own or like, I got enough. than me trying to say what Jen's doing or she's not doing, or you need to be doing it this way and that way. Right. Again, I'm just right.
Speaker #1
Right. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And I need to trust the God. first of all, it was that much changes. Probably. Is it a partner? And hopefully if we're dating, you know, then if you're,
Speaker #1
that's a red flag,
Speaker #0
right. So probably the right partner for you. Gotcha. You're already married. I got to ask God to like, you deal with me so that I can accept this person because they is who they is.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now, if there's some behaviors, this is just coming to mind, but maybe, maybe they were a little bit different when you were dating and now that you're married, you know, and you've been married for a few years and, you know, in your eyes, they may be slacking off in some of the things they're doing or, you know, maybe they're not cleaning up after themselves. And is that something that you're allowed? I know we're talking about criticize. So should you criticize that? Is there a place and a time and a way to approach them with those things? Right.
Speaker #0
That's correction.
Speaker #1
Okay. So that's the difference.
Speaker #0
It's a difference. Right. You know. Hey, you know, sweetheart, I've just kind of noticed that, you know, over the past week, I've seen a lot of your clothes on the floor. It's kind of made things a little bit more difficult and challenging for me this week. So it would really be, you know, a huge benefit to me if I could have an assistance of just kind of helping to put, you know, your clothes back on the cleaner. Right. Is that something that is possible?
Speaker #1
Now, what if you said that to your partner and then they just like flip out? Like, what are you talking about? Like. I'll clean up when I want to clean up. Like, why are you worried about my clothes on the floor?
Speaker #0
you know,
Speaker #1
you're going to have maybe that response. It's not always going to be, you know, scripted and perfect to how it should be.
Speaker #0
So then their response to that isn't to match energy with energy. It's like, okay,
Speaker #1
correct.
Speaker #0
I hear, I hear what you said and sounds great. okay right let it go okay all this tit tat i gotta match this and i gotta fire back and i gotta win and they flipped out okay you said your part it was perfect it was non-aggressive was not criticizing, they got some issues over there. Oh, no. And so I know now I've got some things I need to attack in prayer. Okay.
Speaker #1
Right?
Speaker #0
The scripture says in the book of Ephesians chapter 6, I believe it's, oh, verse 10, 11, 12, around there. 12, I believe it is. For we wrestle not, we are not fighting against flesh and blood. I'm not fighting you. I'm fighting the spirit. Okay. And so. we forget this sometimes as Christians. Again, we're coming from a biblical point of view, not a world point of view, that I'm dealing with a spirit, not Jennifer. So I'm not fighting the Jennifer I see in front of me. There might be an evil spirit that's trying to oppress you or trying to make you angry or sad. It's not me. It's not you. So Father, I speak peace over this home.
Speaker #1
Lord,
Speaker #0
I just release peace right now, Father. I just thank you that whatever atmosphere is trying to come against what you've set, we don't receive that. And so, Father, I thank you for bringing peace to my wife. That's right. And I'm trusting that God can work that out. Work it out and you'll come to me and say, you know what? I flipped out. I'm sorry. Right. Okay.
Speaker #1
I had some stuff going on.
Speaker #0
Okay. Right? I've done that. Yeah. Wasn't you? you know, my back's hurting and I just didn't excuse it, but here's what, what happened. Right.
Speaker #1
Had nothing to do with you.
Speaker #0
Again.
Speaker #1
And you can also take that, you know, apology instead of being like, well, that shouldn't matter, you know, deal with it and, and no mess up again. But in that example, one of the great things that that example showed was they really set that foundation to start the conversation. Right. So you're going to have to set that tone. You're going to have to have that trust. in your relationship in order to bring up the tougher type of conversations. Right. And instead of the criticism, right, can we do constructive feedback? That's kind of. 100%. Oh, absolutely. Let's change that constructive criticism, right, to some feedback that sometimes there is going to be some situations where you do need to bring something up. Here's a great example.
Speaker #0
I've mentioned this once or twice. Okay. Yesterday. you came out of the garage. I'm like, why are you walking like that? So walk through like what went through your mind. Was that criticism? and I was like, how am I walking? I'm like, yeah,
Speaker #1
my original thought was like, how am I walking? Like I didn't know I was walking any kind of different way. Okay. So I just kind of questioned that again. I didn't come back at you. Like what's wrong with you? Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? How am I walking? Right. That's how I want to walk. Let me walk how I want to walk. You know, um, no, it's true.
Speaker #0
That's how people respond. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #1
Or how dare you even talk about how I walk? are you in a position to tell me how I should walk?
Speaker #0
Is that a response that we should have in 2024? No.
Speaker #1
Why?
Speaker #0
Why should not that be my response? Why shouldn't that be my response? I mean,
Speaker #1
number one, you just need to have that honor and that respect and humility when you're dealing with your partner, no matter what is going on in their life or in situation and what may cause them to react or speak in a certain way. And we talk about this a lot, but when you are renewing your mind and you're in God's word and you're reading the scriptures and you're really praying and you're praying for your relationship, you know, you. are in control of your actions and your thoughts and how you are going to portray yourself in the relationship, no matter what the other person is doing. So that particular comment didn't bother me at all. Like I didn't really think anything of it. You know, other comments that you may say may kind of rub me the wrong way. I'll be, you know, in my mind, I might say something snappy back, but I would never, you know. say something mean in the moment to you just because I'm honoring you and respecting you as my husband.
Speaker #0
Is there an example you have of something I might say that you're like snappy? Can you think of one immediately?
Speaker #1
Maybe when, you know, I'm getting ready and taking a little bit longer time than you would like me to take. Okay. And you might say something like, what's taking you so long? Let's go. Let's get going. Okay. Snap, you know, kind of more like snapping at me. Right. You know, I could very easily in that moment be like, say something snappy right back. Yep. And, you know, I may have. done that more in the past when I was younger and had more of that sarcasm come back out. But I just, I'm not going to say something snappy and mean back to you. Just, I think ultimately because I have respect and honor and love you as my husband. So, and even when I do say in my mind, I'm immediately like, I shouldn't even be thinking that, you know, but I'm not going to let it come out of my mouth.
Speaker #0
Now it's good because that's real life. It happens. That's something small, but absolutely. I'm like, yeah, let's go. What's going on? Right. And that's just me being agitated. it's classic guy gal, guy gal. It's classic, right? Right. And so, because I was going to ask you, is what we are saying and what we're coaching and telling folks, do you feel as if it is just fluff? And like this is, they're giving us stuff that no one can do or this isn't real life. Like how would you respond to maybe some of that criticism or that thought of like. this is like the perfect scenario. Well,
Speaker #1
I would say you're probably only thinking and feeling like it's fluff because either number one, you haven't ever been around other people that have had that type of relationship for you to see or glean from, or you haven't been able to experience that yourself. But we base everything on the scripture and what God says and what God promises and what he says about marriage. And there's never anything in the Bible that says, you know, beware of marriage. It's a ball and chain, like go the other way. It's talking about, that's a good thing to find a wife for a man. And so God has joy for you. God has peace for you. God has, you know, he wants you to live life and see good days. And so that's ultimately where we're basing it off of. And so absolutely it's not fluff. If it, if it was fluff, I wouldn't be saying it. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So I want to give hope to people and we want to give them, not I, we want to give hope that it's really a death to self. And like, I'm not going into this thing. I think even sometimes, again, it's having a true relationship and a connection with Jesus. Because if I say something that's not cool, I have the Lord to get on me and be like, you know what, you need to chill out, buddy. You shouldn't have said that. Go apologize. Go say, you know, go fix that. You know, Jennifer doesn't have to say anything. You know, and so trust that God will speak to your spouse but also trust that God speak to me. Like, again, deal with me first. Let me be a husband that honors you. And I believe that if I honor God and be the husband that God wants me to be, that'll cause Jennifer to be the wife that I need her to be. And they always say,
Speaker #1
when you pray for other people, God's going to put you back on yourself. Like, he's going to speak to you about you. Oh, yeah. You know, he's not speaking to you about... you know, we said that about,
Speaker #0
you know, we were talking about our spouse and Lord has helped my spouse and I'm praying the promise. But a lot of times you go in there and pray to your spouse. He's like, yeah, but you, you, right. He doesn't use eye language. God says you, cause he's the perfect one. Right.
Speaker #1
Amen. So he's going to point that back on you. Ultimately you're in control of yourself, what you are going to allow yourself to act like, behave, respond. And so just pour yourself into his word. let him work through you because that's ultimately how you can respond in those ways. That's right.
Speaker #0
This is so good. We are, we've got seven things and we have like two minutes left. So of course we're not going to get into it. We'll start with the first one of ways to get this conflict to, was it criticism of the conflict? Yes,
Speaker #1
we're going to have constructive criticism, which we switch to feedback, right? So constructive feedback without conflict.
Speaker #0
Feedback without conflict.
Speaker #1
So we should be able to have constructive feedback. conversations with a partner without a huge conflict, disagreement, argument, things like that.
Speaker #0
First one is establish a foundation of love and respect. And this is something that we truly believe of starting out with like, Hey, I'm on your side and I've got to bring some things to the table to discuss. and so I want to discuss them so that we can get better and we can grow. And it might be behavior that I do want to see change or something that's important to me. And so we've got to talk through it. It might be our intimacy. It might be something that is happening in a... I really don't like it when you blow on my ear, you know? So, but I got to talk about that, right? So that we can grow through it, whatever it is, you know? So have that. love and respect so that it can be received. Yeah, it has to have that foundation.
Speaker #1
You have to have that trust there. If you don't have that trust and that love and that respect there, it's going to start crumbling as soon as those words start coming out of your mouth. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So the flip side of that is if it's like, hey. Whenever I say something is not received, well, it's probably because he doesn't, does he love you or respect you? We got to build some trust. We got to work on that part.
Speaker #1
We got to go back.
Speaker #0
But so I'm not, it's a brick wall. Whatever I'm saying isn't being received. Okay, back it up. You don't need to be giving constructive feedback right now. We got to work on it. We got to build trust.
Speaker #1
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker #0
Okay. So that's a good sign of if what we're saying isn't being received, we got to go back and we got to build some trust. How do I build trust? I got to ask. where i gotta find it out i can just guess yeah what has happened don't shy away from it yeah where did i go that's caused a breach of trust and how can i repair and exactly rebuild it yep we
Speaker #1
can go go to number two sure all right number two we need to choose the right time and the setting so you you know, I always hear you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything, but not at any time. Do you agree with that? Yeah. You know,
Speaker #0
you,
Speaker #1
you need to pick a correct time and both be in a good space. Emotions are calm and you need to pick that setting. You know, you don't want to be doing this with kids running around and, you know, circling you trying to ask you things. So it's really important to pick that. that good time for that discussion or what things are going at work or whatever it is.
Speaker #0
Like make sure it's, yeah, it's a good time and ask, is this a good time? Are we okay? Are you in a position to receive? Am I in a place to receive? Yep. I might be in a position to talk, but am I ready to hear? So let's set that time.
Speaker #1
If it's not right now, let's make a time. Let's stick to it, to it, get ourselves together. Yeah. The time comes. Don't put it off again.
Speaker #0
That's right. no we set side saturday at three o'clock we're gonna do it we're doing this that's right so all right because yeah we got we got some stuff going so let's go ahead and wrap it up and all right we'll keep going next week right yeah with our um
Speaker #1
constructive criticism which we're switching to feedback right constructive feedback without conflict we'll keep going next week so definitely stay tuned for that yeah stay tuned uh it's
Speaker #0
getting kind of late as we're recording so we always get silly at late at night but thank you so much for tuning in hey if you want to follow us on social we can be found at oak haven company uh we have a Jen posts a lot of stuff about our daily life. You can kind of see like, hey, we kind of are, kind of, we are who we say we are. That's right.
Speaker #1
Yeah, connect with us on Instagram. Definitely feel free to send us a message or if you have any questions or anything that you are agreeing or disagreeing with, definitely send us a message as well. We'd love to hear from you and get your feedback as well. Constructive.
Speaker #0
All right, we'll see you next week as we continue part two.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources: