53 | Close the Feedback Loop: Communicating Without Conflict Part 2

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Speaker #0
Do you want to have a constructive conversation that does not lead to conflict? If that is you, stay tuned. We're going to give you seven ways you can close the conflict loop in your relationship. Everyone, welcome to the Home and Haven podcast. We're so, so excited, so grateful you've tuned in today. We are here to give you faith-based content. While we're here, we are here. we have faith-based content for your relationship and to communicate well build up your home into a haven that's what we do it's really late we've been recording all day and so uh doesn't give an excuse but yes we are here this is your home for faith-based content help you communicate better in your relationships we are continuing our discussion we are about constructive criticism or feedback and how that can not lead to conflict.
Speaker #1
That's right. So if you listened to last episode, you would hear that we switched that word constructive criticism to constructive feedback. If you missed that episode, definitely check that out after you get done with this one or before either way. And we're going to continue our list. We had seven things that you can do to be able to give your partner constructive feedback without leading to conflict, huge arguments, things like that.
Speaker #0
So number one,
Speaker #1
All right. Number one, we are going to establish a foundation of love and respect. So we need to set the tone. We need to set that foundation first and foremost. Without the trust there, it's not going to go well. Whatever words come out of your mouth. Yep.
Speaker #0
So if you've listened to an episode before, you've probably heard this, but we always want to say, hey, you know, I'm on your side. I'm your biggest cheerleader. I'm your fan. And so this conversation really is to... you know, get us to a more healthy place and to help us grow. This is not a bashing session. This is not a, you know, atomic bomb blow up. So. establishing boundaries and setting the tone will go a long way in expectations for any kind of feedback you need to give to your partner.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now, number two, we need to choose the right timing and the settings. So you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything, but it's not always the right time to do that. So it's really important to figure out when is the right time to do that, what the right setting is, make sure you don't have all those distractions going on. you're not highly emotional at that moment, right? Both of you are in a good place to actually have that conversation, to both listen and receive that constructive feedback that you have or the other person has to give.
Speaker #0
All Number three is to use I statements. Now, this is something that can be very difficult. It takes practice. Okay. But we want to, instead of saying, you're not doing this or you did this, you made me feel this way, you forgot this, we want to turn that around and say, I. I. feel this way or I heard you say this. Oh, I heard this said. You know, is that correct? Right. And we are owning responsibility instead of putting blame or saying you and putting our partner on the defensive. We don't want to pow, pow, go tit for tat in conversation. We want to use I language.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for an example, instead of saying, you know, you never listen to me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Never. what do you mean I've never listened to you right and here we go and you right so we're going to use the word I so I feel unheard sometimes when you do xyz right no is there another way that you could respond where you know I do feel like you're listening so that would be an I statement example that you want to be using for those conversations yeah I feel I feel on her versus you never listen to me Right. Now, number four, you really want to focus on the specific behaviors that you're seeing from your partner versus attacking their character. OK,
Speaker #0
so more about that.
Speaker #1
So you're going to guide the conversation to be focused on whatever you you're giving that feedback from the behavior that you saw in your partner versus like. You are. so messy.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You are never tidy. You have no regard to the way we live versus I noticed that you've been leaving dishes in the sink. Can we work on that? Because it's creating a mess, you know, when I'm trying to cook. Right. So I'm going to be addressing that specific behavior that I would like to maybe alter versus you. you're this, this, and this.
Speaker #0
Right, you're so jealous.
Speaker #1
You're a terrible person.
Speaker #0
You're so jealous. You never listen. You're uncaring. You don't care. You don't care about me.
Speaker #1
Yeah. and you should be able to give them specific examples because typically they will say what are you talking about right well name a term you know yeah you're just like that all the time you know you you need to provide them with specific things because otherwise you're just coming across attacking their character who they are who they think they are right instead of trying to help with a specific you you know, situation behavior that you're trying to give constructive feedback to.
Speaker #0
And then hopefully, cause I can see this where you're like, well, you remember last Tuesday. Oh, there you go again. No, always bringing up stuff I did in the past. Okay. Well, you asked me for a particular example. Yeah. So, um, and those are real life conversations and feedback and stuff and now we're going back and back we're not getting anywhere if we're not getting anywhere, pause let's invite the Holy Spirit, let's say wait a minute okay Lord, this is getting out of hand we're not seeing eyeball to eyeball and again the scripture says let's reason together let's come together and so ultimately the enemy is trying to drive a wedge between you all and descriptors has to be aware of his devices. So we can recognize that, hey, you know what? This isn't really us. There's something going on here. This is some voodoo. Let's deal with that and let's just keep moving on.
Speaker #1
Right. And that leads right into number five, which is to seek understanding and empathy. Okay. So we're going to do that active listening using our I statements and then seeking to really understand the other person's point of view.
Speaker #0
yeah so it's not always about you all about you yeah i think it's psalm 34 that's right where david says to seek peace and pursue it the eyes of the lord over the righteous and his ears over to their prayer with psalm 34 so yeah the seek peace so there's some people i just feel like they just love to argue right some people do love to argue yeah that's not for me at least it's not for me but you know in our relationship we need to be seeking peace correct unity being on the same page together
Speaker #1
loving the vision that you're working towards together. Right.
Speaker #0
How do we get that? How do we get the vision?
Speaker #1
We need to set the vision. Well, you lead and set the vision. And then. we discuss it, we agree upon it. You know, we get those details so that we know where we're going because without a vision, we're just going to be all over the place. They're going to be based on our core values. So hopefully you establish those during the dating phase to know what you're getting into for marriage. But a marriage should be based on core values that you have together. So if you have a core value, of something specific, your vision should be walking out those core values or it should be led by those core values so that you know where you're going as a couple.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So sometimes I've seen that sometimes a lot of cases I see where they're on two different pages because they don't have a vision and one person is on a completely different page and the other person, they're not in alignment because no vision has been cast.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
she's over here buying stuff and he's wanting to save. And because there's been no vision of this is what we're trying to accomplish or here's where we're going and here's how we're going to do this. Right. And we've got to have vision. We've got to have a plan in order to accomplish what it is we want to accomplish.
Speaker #1
And that's a great example because that situation would be a disagreement, right? That would be a money disagreement of one person. I want to spend and enjoy life. And the other person is like, we need to save and have stability with our finances.
Speaker #0
They don't tell me what to do with what I earn. I want to. I want to have fun with my, I work hard for my money.
Speaker #1
But if you have that vision together, that's going to cut out a lot of disagreements right then and there. Cause you can just point back to, this is our vision. Remember, like, do we really want to spend $500 every week on eating out when we're trying to, you know, save towards a home or whatever it may be. You can point back to, remember, we have this vision, we have this goal. And so that's going to cut out the disagreement because right then and there, you're both working towards something together. and so there's no, there's nothing to disagree about at that point.
Speaker #0
Or having a plan or we had a plan and now we're not sticking to it.
Speaker #1
So let's get back to it.
Speaker #0
One of the things that we share is pray, plan and pursue. And so we prayed it, we planned it. but we didn't pursue it where we've deviated from, from what we set out to do. A great example of that is I've counseled couples and the goal was to own a home. Like you just said, okay, great, great example. This is real life. Their goal is to own a home. and step one is to, you know, getting a down payment.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Saving up for that. Before that is credit, you know, and working on that to get to a particular score. Their injury rate can be lower. Well, lo and behold, homegirls out there, getting $700 headphones.
Speaker #1
Exactly. Right.
Speaker #0
And also like buying a brand new, uh, treadmill for $3,000. It's like where you guys are not moving towards your plan. You're not pursuing the plan. And so we've got to get back to alignment. And what would you say to that particular couple where the guy's like, we're trying to do this. And she's like, well, I got a bonus and I want, I really want this Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. That that's going to be maybe like you said, a disagreement, but you have to come back to, are we still working towards a down payment to a house? Is that still our vision? Because.
Speaker #0
It's mine, but you want this Peloton. So.
Speaker #1
What do you mean? It's yours.
Speaker #0
It's my vision.
Speaker #1
No, it's your vision. I was like, I thought you meant your money. Not your money. That's another.
Speaker #0
It's our plan. I want to buy a house, you know, next year.
Speaker #1
And you're saying the spouse is not having that same plan.
Speaker #0
She wants it, but she wants the Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. I think then it's, let's be realistic about this plan and how is it actually going to happen? Because you may buy the Peloton, but you're not going to have a house to put it in if you don't, you know, work towards that goal. Is that something that you can maybe hold off for for a while and get your bank account to a certain level before you buy the Peloton? Or why do you want it right this second? Right. and those are questions that you should be able to have in a conversation and be able to work through that conflict instead of just letting that disagreement be like, bam, it's an argument. Bam. We're not speaking to each other. Sure. No, bam, our relationships on the rocks and we're complaining about our relationships up and down. And you know, so hard.
Speaker #0
And then my, my, my girlfriend is saying, girl, you don't let no man tell you.
Speaker #1
That's Buy the Peloton if you want it. You know, you really got to be conscious of. what you're letting speak to you, because, you know, does it say in the Bible, go talk to your friends about the situation and do what you want to do? You know, I don't think it says that. I mean, I know it doesn't say that. So where are we basing our vision on? What kind of life do you want to have? You have to have actions to get to that goal. So you have to reassess in that moment. All right, let's keep going. Number six is really at that point, you can offer that constructive feedback so you can really use those words. to talk to the person and then really focus on solutions. So let's not focus on what you did wrong, what mistakes were made, but let's focus on how can we move forward? How can we change? What can we do to make this better?
Speaker #0
One of the things that is critical and I've learned in my study of communication, and you may be aware of this, especially in the workplaces. don't offer a problem without offering a solution. So I'm not going to sit here and bash you, first of all, never. But if I'm going to offer you constructive feedback, I also need to bring to you a solution or a plan.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? So if it is... We had the example of my clothes on the floor. Well, sweetheart, this week I noticed an increase of, you know, your clothes being on the floor. And it created for me an extra load of laundry this week. And so what I'd like to do is if you could put your pants or whatever in this hamper here, that lets me know what I need to do. And if you could hang the rest of it up. that would create more cleanliness in whatever it is. Yeah. And again, that may not come out that way in the moment. Maybe you have to collect your thoughts to form those sentences.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
But. there was the constructive feedback, there was the time, and then there was the solution for what I needed to take place.
Speaker #1
And it's also helpful to ask them why, like, is there, you know, are you super rushed in the morning? So you're kind of like going so fast and just need to throw the clothes to the side. Is there something I can do to help you, you know, make that easier? Or is our closet not organized well enough that you... have an easy, you know, access to the hangers that you can hang them up? Like, is there some kind of outside factor that maybe I can actually help be part of the solution too, instead of just putting it all on them?
Speaker #0
Real life scenario. And I'm going to get better is we have a dresser in our closet and a, the top dresser holds my athletic gear and I left it out and I would, you know, I'm not the cleanest person. And so I would have my pants and shirts, like start stacking up on the dresser. Of course, they need to be hung up. And again, I, it is a character flaw of me to not do that. And you came and said, Hey, whenever this drawer is open, I can't get to the things that I need. Right. So if you could, can you help me with remembering to push a drawer in so that I can get to the things that I need? I'm like, oh, okay. And I actually never thought about that. Yeah. I wasn't doing intentional. Right. So real life scenario.
Speaker #1
Yeah, that's right. And then we're on to number seven. So this is kind of wrap it up. we are going to practice our patience and our grace.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace. Say it with me. Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Patience and grace. One more time.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Right? Yeah. So being able to have these conversations, being able to give constructive feedback, you know, that may take a little bit of time to work through to kind of get your groove as a partner, but really you ultimately need to have that grace and patience to your partner.
Speaker #0
I think it all boils down to that. patience and grace. Like all the six steps we say, if you don't remember any of them, just remember practice, patience, and grace. PP, practice patience.
Speaker #1
That's right. You know, your partner is always growing. They're always learning. You know, God is always speaking to them. You know, they always say God's working on you. Okay. And so you need to let them have, you know, that time to learn and grow. give them patience and grace.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and patience and grace with yourself as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. That's important too.
Speaker #0
Allow yourself patience. Allow yourself grace with your own self. Don't get frustrated with you. because sometimes we have our own expectations and you can feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm not perfect enough. It's okay. We're going to get there. We have a whole lifetime to spend together with each other. And so give yourself and your partner the patience and grace to grow and reach the goal that God has for you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Those are the seven steps that you are able to give constructive feedback without conflict to your partner in your relationship. Love it. All right. We know that you can do it and you will do it. If you need a resource to kind of help you get started with planning and praying and pursuing that, we do have our relationship planning guide. Go grab that freebie right now. It'll give you that space to just map all that stuff out and actually get it accomplished.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Go get it. Like right now. Like, what are you waiting for? I don't know what's wrong.
Speaker #1
If you don't have it yet, you should.
Speaker #0
You need to go get it. It's that simple. It's in the show notes. It's in the description. Tap it. 15 seconds later, it's in your computer, tablet, or phone. So get the free Oak Haven Planner. We can go through the outline of praying it, planning it, and pursuing what, Terrell? Whatever it is you and your partner are working towards. so we're going to help you attain and reach the goals that God has for you and you have for one another so we're praying God's blessing over you we speak the favor and the blessing of the Lord over your life over your uh your relationship over your communication there won't be conflict and we just speak the peace the peace that goes over what you can understand be with you and work through your relationships thank you so much for tuning in and listening to us you we are here for you. We cannot be here without you. And it is a joy for, uh, to hang out with you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next week. God bless.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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Join the Community!

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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Description

Today, we'll give you 7 ways to offer feedback and avoid conflict!

We'll discuss

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

This episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Do you want to have a constructive conversation that does not lead to conflict? If that is you, stay tuned. We're going to give you seven ways you can close the conflict loop in your relationship. Everyone, welcome to the Home and Haven podcast. We're so, so excited, so grateful you've tuned in today. We are here to give you faith-based content. While we're here, we are here. we have faith-based content for your relationship and to communicate well build up your home into a haven that's what we do it's really late we've been recording all day and so uh doesn't give an excuse but yes we are here this is your home for faith-based content help you communicate better in your relationships we are continuing our discussion we are about constructive criticism or feedback and how that can not lead to conflict.
Speaker #1
That's right. So if you listened to last episode, you would hear that we switched that word constructive criticism to constructive feedback. If you missed that episode, definitely check that out after you get done with this one or before either way. And we're going to continue our list. We had seven things that you can do to be able to give your partner constructive feedback without leading to conflict, huge arguments, things like that.
Speaker #0
So number one,
Speaker #1
All right. Number one, we are going to establish a foundation of love and respect. So we need to set the tone. We need to set that foundation first and foremost. Without the trust there, it's not going to go well. Whatever words come out of your mouth. Yep.
Speaker #0
So if you've listened to an episode before, you've probably heard this, but we always want to say, hey, you know, I'm on your side. I'm your biggest cheerleader. I'm your fan. And so this conversation really is to... you know, get us to a more healthy place and to help us grow. This is not a bashing session. This is not a, you know, atomic bomb blow up. So. establishing boundaries and setting the tone will go a long way in expectations for any kind of feedback you need to give to your partner.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now, number two, we need to choose the right timing and the settings. So you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything, but it's not always the right time to do that. So it's really important to figure out when is the right time to do that, what the right setting is, make sure you don't have all those distractions going on. you're not highly emotional at that moment, right? Both of you are in a good place to actually have that conversation, to both listen and receive that constructive feedback that you have or the other person has to give.
Speaker #0
All Number three is to use I statements. Now, this is something that can be very difficult. It takes practice. Okay. But we want to, instead of saying, you're not doing this or you did this, you made me feel this way, you forgot this, we want to turn that around and say, I. I. feel this way or I heard you say this. Oh, I heard this said. You know, is that correct? Right. And we are owning responsibility instead of putting blame or saying you and putting our partner on the defensive. We don't want to pow, pow, go tit for tat in conversation. We want to use I language.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for an example, instead of saying, you know, you never listen to me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Never. what do you mean I've never listened to you right and here we go and you right so we're going to use the word I so I feel unheard sometimes when you do xyz right no is there another way that you could respond where you know I do feel like you're listening so that would be an I statement example that you want to be using for those conversations yeah I feel I feel on her versus you never listen to me Right. Now, number four, you really want to focus on the specific behaviors that you're seeing from your partner versus attacking their character. OK,
Speaker #0
so more about that.
Speaker #1
So you're going to guide the conversation to be focused on whatever you you're giving that feedback from the behavior that you saw in your partner versus like. You are. so messy.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You are never tidy. You have no regard to the way we live versus I noticed that you've been leaving dishes in the sink. Can we work on that? Because it's creating a mess, you know, when I'm trying to cook. Right. So I'm going to be addressing that specific behavior that I would like to maybe alter versus you. you're this, this, and this.
Speaker #0
Right, you're so jealous.
Speaker #1
You're a terrible person.
Speaker #0
You're so jealous. You never listen. You're uncaring. You don't care. You don't care about me.
Speaker #1
Yeah. and you should be able to give them specific examples because typically they will say what are you talking about right well name a term you know yeah you're just like that all the time you know you you need to provide them with specific things because otherwise you're just coming across attacking their character who they are who they think they are right instead of trying to help with a specific you you know, situation behavior that you're trying to give constructive feedback to.
Speaker #0
And then hopefully, cause I can see this where you're like, well, you remember last Tuesday. Oh, there you go again. No, always bringing up stuff I did in the past. Okay. Well, you asked me for a particular example. Yeah. So, um, and those are real life conversations and feedback and stuff and now we're going back and back we're not getting anywhere if we're not getting anywhere, pause let's invite the Holy Spirit, let's say wait a minute okay Lord, this is getting out of hand we're not seeing eyeball to eyeball and again the scripture says let's reason together let's come together and so ultimately the enemy is trying to drive a wedge between you all and descriptors has to be aware of his devices. So we can recognize that, hey, you know what? This isn't really us. There's something going on here. This is some voodoo. Let's deal with that and let's just keep moving on.
Speaker #1
Right. And that leads right into number five, which is to seek understanding and empathy. Okay. So we're going to do that active listening using our I statements and then seeking to really understand the other person's point of view.
Speaker #0
yeah so it's not always about you all about you yeah i think it's psalm 34 that's right where david says to seek peace and pursue it the eyes of the lord over the righteous and his ears over to their prayer with psalm 34 so yeah the seek peace so there's some people i just feel like they just love to argue right some people do love to argue yeah that's not for me at least it's not for me but you know in our relationship we need to be seeking peace correct unity being on the same page together
Speaker #1
loving the vision that you're working towards together. Right.
Speaker #0
How do we get that? How do we get the vision?
Speaker #1
We need to set the vision. Well, you lead and set the vision. And then. we discuss it, we agree upon it. You know, we get those details so that we know where we're going because without a vision, we're just going to be all over the place. They're going to be based on our core values. So hopefully you establish those during the dating phase to know what you're getting into for marriage. But a marriage should be based on core values that you have together. So if you have a core value, of something specific, your vision should be walking out those core values or it should be led by those core values so that you know where you're going as a couple.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So sometimes I've seen that sometimes a lot of cases I see where they're on two different pages because they don't have a vision and one person is on a completely different page and the other person, they're not in alignment because no vision has been cast.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
she's over here buying stuff and he's wanting to save. And because there's been no vision of this is what we're trying to accomplish or here's where we're going and here's how we're going to do this. Right. And we've got to have vision. We've got to have a plan in order to accomplish what it is we want to accomplish.
Speaker #1
And that's a great example because that situation would be a disagreement, right? That would be a money disagreement of one person. I want to spend and enjoy life. And the other person is like, we need to save and have stability with our finances.
Speaker #0
They don't tell me what to do with what I earn. I want to. I want to have fun with my, I work hard for my money.
Speaker #1
But if you have that vision together, that's going to cut out a lot of disagreements right then and there. Cause you can just point back to, this is our vision. Remember, like, do we really want to spend $500 every week on eating out when we're trying to, you know, save towards a home or whatever it may be. You can point back to, remember, we have this vision, we have this goal. And so that's going to cut out the disagreement because right then and there, you're both working towards something together. and so there's no, there's nothing to disagree about at that point.
Speaker #0
Or having a plan or we had a plan and now we're not sticking to it.
Speaker #1
So let's get back to it.
Speaker #0
One of the things that we share is pray, plan and pursue. And so we prayed it, we planned it. but we didn't pursue it where we've deviated from, from what we set out to do. A great example of that is I've counseled couples and the goal was to own a home. Like you just said, okay, great, great example. This is real life. Their goal is to own a home. and step one is to, you know, getting a down payment.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Saving up for that. Before that is credit, you know, and working on that to get to a particular score. Their injury rate can be lower. Well, lo and behold, homegirls out there, getting $700 headphones.
Speaker #1
Exactly. Right.
Speaker #0
And also like buying a brand new, uh, treadmill for $3,000. It's like where you guys are not moving towards your plan. You're not pursuing the plan. And so we've got to get back to alignment. And what would you say to that particular couple where the guy's like, we're trying to do this. And she's like, well, I got a bonus and I want, I really want this Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. That that's going to be maybe like you said, a disagreement, but you have to come back to, are we still working towards a down payment to a house? Is that still our vision? Because.
Speaker #0
It's mine, but you want this Peloton. So.
Speaker #1
What do you mean? It's yours.
Speaker #0
It's my vision.
Speaker #1
No, it's your vision. I was like, I thought you meant your money. Not your money. That's another.
Speaker #0
It's our plan. I want to buy a house, you know, next year.
Speaker #1
And you're saying the spouse is not having that same plan.
Speaker #0
She wants it, but she wants the Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. I think then it's, let's be realistic about this plan and how is it actually going to happen? Because you may buy the Peloton, but you're not going to have a house to put it in if you don't, you know, work towards that goal. Is that something that you can maybe hold off for for a while and get your bank account to a certain level before you buy the Peloton? Or why do you want it right this second? Right. and those are questions that you should be able to have in a conversation and be able to work through that conflict instead of just letting that disagreement be like, bam, it's an argument. Bam. We're not speaking to each other. Sure. No, bam, our relationships on the rocks and we're complaining about our relationships up and down. And you know, so hard.
Speaker #0
And then my, my, my girlfriend is saying, girl, you don't let no man tell you.
Speaker #1
That's Buy the Peloton if you want it. You know, you really got to be conscious of. what you're letting speak to you, because, you know, does it say in the Bible, go talk to your friends about the situation and do what you want to do? You know, I don't think it says that. I mean, I know it doesn't say that. So where are we basing our vision on? What kind of life do you want to have? You have to have actions to get to that goal. So you have to reassess in that moment. All right, let's keep going. Number six is really at that point, you can offer that constructive feedback so you can really use those words. to talk to the person and then really focus on solutions. So let's not focus on what you did wrong, what mistakes were made, but let's focus on how can we move forward? How can we change? What can we do to make this better?
Speaker #0
One of the things that is critical and I've learned in my study of communication, and you may be aware of this, especially in the workplaces. don't offer a problem without offering a solution. So I'm not going to sit here and bash you, first of all, never. But if I'm going to offer you constructive feedback, I also need to bring to you a solution or a plan.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? So if it is... We had the example of my clothes on the floor. Well, sweetheart, this week I noticed an increase of, you know, your clothes being on the floor. And it created for me an extra load of laundry this week. And so what I'd like to do is if you could put your pants or whatever in this hamper here, that lets me know what I need to do. And if you could hang the rest of it up. that would create more cleanliness in whatever it is. Yeah. And again, that may not come out that way in the moment. Maybe you have to collect your thoughts to form those sentences.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
But. there was the constructive feedback, there was the time, and then there was the solution for what I needed to take place.
Speaker #1
And it's also helpful to ask them why, like, is there, you know, are you super rushed in the morning? So you're kind of like going so fast and just need to throw the clothes to the side. Is there something I can do to help you, you know, make that easier? Or is our closet not organized well enough that you... have an easy, you know, access to the hangers that you can hang them up? Like, is there some kind of outside factor that maybe I can actually help be part of the solution too, instead of just putting it all on them?
Speaker #0
Real life scenario. And I'm going to get better is we have a dresser in our closet and a, the top dresser holds my athletic gear and I left it out and I would, you know, I'm not the cleanest person. And so I would have my pants and shirts, like start stacking up on the dresser. Of course, they need to be hung up. And again, I, it is a character flaw of me to not do that. And you came and said, Hey, whenever this drawer is open, I can't get to the things that I need. Right. So if you could, can you help me with remembering to push a drawer in so that I can get to the things that I need? I'm like, oh, okay. And I actually never thought about that. Yeah. I wasn't doing intentional. Right. So real life scenario.
Speaker #1
Yeah, that's right. And then we're on to number seven. So this is kind of wrap it up. we are going to practice our patience and our grace.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace. Say it with me. Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Patience and grace. One more time.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Right? Yeah. So being able to have these conversations, being able to give constructive feedback, you know, that may take a little bit of time to work through to kind of get your groove as a partner, but really you ultimately need to have that grace and patience to your partner.
Speaker #0
I think it all boils down to that. patience and grace. Like all the six steps we say, if you don't remember any of them, just remember practice, patience, and grace. PP, practice patience.
Speaker #1
That's right. You know, your partner is always growing. They're always learning. You know, God is always speaking to them. You know, they always say God's working on you. Okay. And so you need to let them have, you know, that time to learn and grow. give them patience and grace.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and patience and grace with yourself as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. That's important too.
Speaker #0
Allow yourself patience. Allow yourself grace with your own self. Don't get frustrated with you. because sometimes we have our own expectations and you can feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm not perfect enough. It's okay. We're going to get there. We have a whole lifetime to spend together with each other. And so give yourself and your partner the patience and grace to grow and reach the goal that God has for you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Those are the seven steps that you are able to give constructive feedback without conflict to your partner in your relationship. Love it. All right. We know that you can do it and you will do it. If you need a resource to kind of help you get started with planning and praying and pursuing that, we do have our relationship planning guide. Go grab that freebie right now. It'll give you that space to just map all that stuff out and actually get it accomplished.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Go get it. Like right now. Like, what are you waiting for? I don't know what's wrong.
Speaker #1
If you don't have it yet, you should.
Speaker #0
You need to go get it. It's that simple. It's in the show notes. It's in the description. Tap it. 15 seconds later, it's in your computer, tablet, or phone. So get the free Oak Haven Planner. We can go through the outline of praying it, planning it, and pursuing what, Terrell? Whatever it is you and your partner are working towards. so we're going to help you attain and reach the goals that God has for you and you have for one another so we're praying God's blessing over you we speak the favor and the blessing of the Lord over your life over your uh your relationship over your communication there won't be conflict and we just speak the peace the peace that goes over what you can understand be with you and work through your relationships thank you so much for tuning in and listening to us you we are here for you. We cannot be here without you. And it is a joy for, uh, to hang out with you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next week. God bless.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Today, we'll give you 7 ways to offer feedback and avoid conflict!

We'll discuss

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

This episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Do you want to have a constructive conversation that does not lead to conflict? If that is you, stay tuned. We're going to give you seven ways you can close the conflict loop in your relationship. Everyone, welcome to the Home and Haven podcast. We're so, so excited, so grateful you've tuned in today. We are here to give you faith-based content. While we're here, we are here. we have faith-based content for your relationship and to communicate well build up your home into a haven that's what we do it's really late we've been recording all day and so uh doesn't give an excuse but yes we are here this is your home for faith-based content help you communicate better in your relationships we are continuing our discussion we are about constructive criticism or feedback and how that can not lead to conflict.
Speaker #1
That's right. So if you listened to last episode, you would hear that we switched that word constructive criticism to constructive feedback. If you missed that episode, definitely check that out after you get done with this one or before either way. And we're going to continue our list. We had seven things that you can do to be able to give your partner constructive feedback without leading to conflict, huge arguments, things like that.
Speaker #0
So number one,
Speaker #1
All right. Number one, we are going to establish a foundation of love and respect. So we need to set the tone. We need to set that foundation first and foremost. Without the trust there, it's not going to go well. Whatever words come out of your mouth. Yep.
Speaker #0
So if you've listened to an episode before, you've probably heard this, but we always want to say, hey, you know, I'm on your side. I'm your biggest cheerleader. I'm your fan. And so this conversation really is to... you know, get us to a more healthy place and to help us grow. This is not a bashing session. This is not a, you know, atomic bomb blow up. So. establishing boundaries and setting the tone will go a long way in expectations for any kind of feedback you need to give to your partner.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now, number two, we need to choose the right timing and the settings. So you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything, but it's not always the right time to do that. So it's really important to figure out when is the right time to do that, what the right setting is, make sure you don't have all those distractions going on. you're not highly emotional at that moment, right? Both of you are in a good place to actually have that conversation, to both listen and receive that constructive feedback that you have or the other person has to give.
Speaker #0
All Number three is to use I statements. Now, this is something that can be very difficult. It takes practice. Okay. But we want to, instead of saying, you're not doing this or you did this, you made me feel this way, you forgot this, we want to turn that around and say, I. I. feel this way or I heard you say this. Oh, I heard this said. You know, is that correct? Right. And we are owning responsibility instead of putting blame or saying you and putting our partner on the defensive. We don't want to pow, pow, go tit for tat in conversation. We want to use I language.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for an example, instead of saying, you know, you never listen to me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Never. what do you mean I've never listened to you right and here we go and you right so we're going to use the word I so I feel unheard sometimes when you do xyz right no is there another way that you could respond where you know I do feel like you're listening so that would be an I statement example that you want to be using for those conversations yeah I feel I feel on her versus you never listen to me Right. Now, number four, you really want to focus on the specific behaviors that you're seeing from your partner versus attacking their character. OK,
Speaker #0
so more about that.
Speaker #1
So you're going to guide the conversation to be focused on whatever you you're giving that feedback from the behavior that you saw in your partner versus like. You are. so messy.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You are never tidy. You have no regard to the way we live versus I noticed that you've been leaving dishes in the sink. Can we work on that? Because it's creating a mess, you know, when I'm trying to cook. Right. So I'm going to be addressing that specific behavior that I would like to maybe alter versus you. you're this, this, and this.
Speaker #0
Right, you're so jealous.
Speaker #1
You're a terrible person.
Speaker #0
You're so jealous. You never listen. You're uncaring. You don't care. You don't care about me.
Speaker #1
Yeah. and you should be able to give them specific examples because typically they will say what are you talking about right well name a term you know yeah you're just like that all the time you know you you need to provide them with specific things because otherwise you're just coming across attacking their character who they are who they think they are right instead of trying to help with a specific you you know, situation behavior that you're trying to give constructive feedback to.
Speaker #0
And then hopefully, cause I can see this where you're like, well, you remember last Tuesday. Oh, there you go again. No, always bringing up stuff I did in the past. Okay. Well, you asked me for a particular example. Yeah. So, um, and those are real life conversations and feedback and stuff and now we're going back and back we're not getting anywhere if we're not getting anywhere, pause let's invite the Holy Spirit, let's say wait a minute okay Lord, this is getting out of hand we're not seeing eyeball to eyeball and again the scripture says let's reason together let's come together and so ultimately the enemy is trying to drive a wedge between you all and descriptors has to be aware of his devices. So we can recognize that, hey, you know what? This isn't really us. There's something going on here. This is some voodoo. Let's deal with that and let's just keep moving on.
Speaker #1
Right. And that leads right into number five, which is to seek understanding and empathy. Okay. So we're going to do that active listening using our I statements and then seeking to really understand the other person's point of view.
Speaker #0
yeah so it's not always about you all about you yeah i think it's psalm 34 that's right where david says to seek peace and pursue it the eyes of the lord over the righteous and his ears over to their prayer with psalm 34 so yeah the seek peace so there's some people i just feel like they just love to argue right some people do love to argue yeah that's not for me at least it's not for me but you know in our relationship we need to be seeking peace correct unity being on the same page together
Speaker #1
loving the vision that you're working towards together. Right.
Speaker #0
How do we get that? How do we get the vision?
Speaker #1
We need to set the vision. Well, you lead and set the vision. And then. we discuss it, we agree upon it. You know, we get those details so that we know where we're going because without a vision, we're just going to be all over the place. They're going to be based on our core values. So hopefully you establish those during the dating phase to know what you're getting into for marriage. But a marriage should be based on core values that you have together. So if you have a core value, of something specific, your vision should be walking out those core values or it should be led by those core values so that you know where you're going as a couple.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So sometimes I've seen that sometimes a lot of cases I see where they're on two different pages because they don't have a vision and one person is on a completely different page and the other person, they're not in alignment because no vision has been cast.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
she's over here buying stuff and he's wanting to save. And because there's been no vision of this is what we're trying to accomplish or here's where we're going and here's how we're going to do this. Right. And we've got to have vision. We've got to have a plan in order to accomplish what it is we want to accomplish.
Speaker #1
And that's a great example because that situation would be a disagreement, right? That would be a money disagreement of one person. I want to spend and enjoy life. And the other person is like, we need to save and have stability with our finances.
Speaker #0
They don't tell me what to do with what I earn. I want to. I want to have fun with my, I work hard for my money.
Speaker #1
But if you have that vision together, that's going to cut out a lot of disagreements right then and there. Cause you can just point back to, this is our vision. Remember, like, do we really want to spend $500 every week on eating out when we're trying to, you know, save towards a home or whatever it may be. You can point back to, remember, we have this vision, we have this goal. And so that's going to cut out the disagreement because right then and there, you're both working towards something together. and so there's no, there's nothing to disagree about at that point.
Speaker #0
Or having a plan or we had a plan and now we're not sticking to it.
Speaker #1
So let's get back to it.
Speaker #0
One of the things that we share is pray, plan and pursue. And so we prayed it, we planned it. but we didn't pursue it where we've deviated from, from what we set out to do. A great example of that is I've counseled couples and the goal was to own a home. Like you just said, okay, great, great example. This is real life. Their goal is to own a home. and step one is to, you know, getting a down payment.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Saving up for that. Before that is credit, you know, and working on that to get to a particular score. Their injury rate can be lower. Well, lo and behold, homegirls out there, getting $700 headphones.
Speaker #1
Exactly. Right.
Speaker #0
And also like buying a brand new, uh, treadmill for $3,000. It's like where you guys are not moving towards your plan. You're not pursuing the plan. And so we've got to get back to alignment. And what would you say to that particular couple where the guy's like, we're trying to do this. And she's like, well, I got a bonus and I want, I really want this Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. That that's going to be maybe like you said, a disagreement, but you have to come back to, are we still working towards a down payment to a house? Is that still our vision? Because.
Speaker #0
It's mine, but you want this Peloton. So.
Speaker #1
What do you mean? It's yours.
Speaker #0
It's my vision.
Speaker #1
No, it's your vision. I was like, I thought you meant your money. Not your money. That's another.
Speaker #0
It's our plan. I want to buy a house, you know, next year.
Speaker #1
And you're saying the spouse is not having that same plan.
Speaker #0
She wants it, but she wants the Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. I think then it's, let's be realistic about this plan and how is it actually going to happen? Because you may buy the Peloton, but you're not going to have a house to put it in if you don't, you know, work towards that goal. Is that something that you can maybe hold off for for a while and get your bank account to a certain level before you buy the Peloton? Or why do you want it right this second? Right. and those are questions that you should be able to have in a conversation and be able to work through that conflict instead of just letting that disagreement be like, bam, it's an argument. Bam. We're not speaking to each other. Sure. No, bam, our relationships on the rocks and we're complaining about our relationships up and down. And you know, so hard.
Speaker #0
And then my, my, my girlfriend is saying, girl, you don't let no man tell you.
Speaker #1
That's Buy the Peloton if you want it. You know, you really got to be conscious of. what you're letting speak to you, because, you know, does it say in the Bible, go talk to your friends about the situation and do what you want to do? You know, I don't think it says that. I mean, I know it doesn't say that. So where are we basing our vision on? What kind of life do you want to have? You have to have actions to get to that goal. So you have to reassess in that moment. All right, let's keep going. Number six is really at that point, you can offer that constructive feedback so you can really use those words. to talk to the person and then really focus on solutions. So let's not focus on what you did wrong, what mistakes were made, but let's focus on how can we move forward? How can we change? What can we do to make this better?
Speaker #0
One of the things that is critical and I've learned in my study of communication, and you may be aware of this, especially in the workplaces. don't offer a problem without offering a solution. So I'm not going to sit here and bash you, first of all, never. But if I'm going to offer you constructive feedback, I also need to bring to you a solution or a plan.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? So if it is... We had the example of my clothes on the floor. Well, sweetheart, this week I noticed an increase of, you know, your clothes being on the floor. And it created for me an extra load of laundry this week. And so what I'd like to do is if you could put your pants or whatever in this hamper here, that lets me know what I need to do. And if you could hang the rest of it up. that would create more cleanliness in whatever it is. Yeah. And again, that may not come out that way in the moment. Maybe you have to collect your thoughts to form those sentences.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
But. there was the constructive feedback, there was the time, and then there was the solution for what I needed to take place.
Speaker #1
And it's also helpful to ask them why, like, is there, you know, are you super rushed in the morning? So you're kind of like going so fast and just need to throw the clothes to the side. Is there something I can do to help you, you know, make that easier? Or is our closet not organized well enough that you... have an easy, you know, access to the hangers that you can hang them up? Like, is there some kind of outside factor that maybe I can actually help be part of the solution too, instead of just putting it all on them?
Speaker #0
Real life scenario. And I'm going to get better is we have a dresser in our closet and a, the top dresser holds my athletic gear and I left it out and I would, you know, I'm not the cleanest person. And so I would have my pants and shirts, like start stacking up on the dresser. Of course, they need to be hung up. And again, I, it is a character flaw of me to not do that. And you came and said, Hey, whenever this drawer is open, I can't get to the things that I need. Right. So if you could, can you help me with remembering to push a drawer in so that I can get to the things that I need? I'm like, oh, okay. And I actually never thought about that. Yeah. I wasn't doing intentional. Right. So real life scenario.
Speaker #1
Yeah, that's right. And then we're on to number seven. So this is kind of wrap it up. we are going to practice our patience and our grace.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace. Say it with me. Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Patience and grace. One more time.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Right? Yeah. So being able to have these conversations, being able to give constructive feedback, you know, that may take a little bit of time to work through to kind of get your groove as a partner, but really you ultimately need to have that grace and patience to your partner.
Speaker #0
I think it all boils down to that. patience and grace. Like all the six steps we say, if you don't remember any of them, just remember practice, patience, and grace. PP, practice patience.
Speaker #1
That's right. You know, your partner is always growing. They're always learning. You know, God is always speaking to them. You know, they always say God's working on you. Okay. And so you need to let them have, you know, that time to learn and grow. give them patience and grace.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and patience and grace with yourself as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. That's important too.
Speaker #0
Allow yourself patience. Allow yourself grace with your own self. Don't get frustrated with you. because sometimes we have our own expectations and you can feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm not perfect enough. It's okay. We're going to get there. We have a whole lifetime to spend together with each other. And so give yourself and your partner the patience and grace to grow and reach the goal that God has for you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Those are the seven steps that you are able to give constructive feedback without conflict to your partner in your relationship. Love it. All right. We know that you can do it and you will do it. If you need a resource to kind of help you get started with planning and praying and pursuing that, we do have our relationship planning guide. Go grab that freebie right now. It'll give you that space to just map all that stuff out and actually get it accomplished.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Go get it. Like right now. Like, what are you waiting for? I don't know what's wrong.
Speaker #1
If you don't have it yet, you should.
Speaker #0
You need to go get it. It's that simple. It's in the show notes. It's in the description. Tap it. 15 seconds later, it's in your computer, tablet, or phone. So get the free Oak Haven Planner. We can go through the outline of praying it, planning it, and pursuing what, Terrell? Whatever it is you and your partner are working towards. so we're going to help you attain and reach the goals that God has for you and you have for one another so we're praying God's blessing over you we speak the favor and the blessing of the Lord over your life over your uh your relationship over your communication there won't be conflict and we just speak the peace the peace that goes over what you can understand be with you and work through your relationships thank you so much for tuning in and listening to us you we are here for you. We cannot be here without you. And it is a joy for, uh, to hang out with you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next week. God bless.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

Today, we'll give you 7 ways to offer feedback and avoid conflict!

We'll discuss

Building a foundation of love and respect (Ephesians 4:29)
Choosing the right time and setting for difficult conversations
Using "I" statements to express feelings effectively
Focusing on specific behaviors, not personal attacks
Practicing active listening and empathy
Offering constructive feedback for positive change

This episode equips you with Biblical wisdom and practical tools to strengthen your communication and build a marriage that thrives.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Do you want to have a constructive conversation that does not lead to conflict? If that is you, stay tuned. We're going to give you seven ways you can close the conflict loop in your relationship. Everyone, welcome to the Home and Haven podcast. We're so, so excited, so grateful you've tuned in today. We are here to give you faith-based content. While we're here, we are here. we have faith-based content for your relationship and to communicate well build up your home into a haven that's what we do it's really late we've been recording all day and so uh doesn't give an excuse but yes we are here this is your home for faith-based content help you communicate better in your relationships we are continuing our discussion we are about constructive criticism or feedback and how that can not lead to conflict.
Speaker #1
That's right. So if you listened to last episode, you would hear that we switched that word constructive criticism to constructive feedback. If you missed that episode, definitely check that out after you get done with this one or before either way. And we're going to continue our list. We had seven things that you can do to be able to give your partner constructive feedback without leading to conflict, huge arguments, things like that.
Speaker #0
So number one,
Speaker #1
All right. Number one, we are going to establish a foundation of love and respect. So we need to set the tone. We need to set that foundation first and foremost. Without the trust there, it's not going to go well. Whatever words come out of your mouth. Yep.
Speaker #0
So if you've listened to an episode before, you've probably heard this, but we always want to say, hey, you know, I'm on your side. I'm your biggest cheerleader. I'm your fan. And so this conversation really is to... you know, get us to a more healthy place and to help us grow. This is not a bashing session. This is not a, you know, atomic bomb blow up. So. establishing boundaries and setting the tone will go a long way in expectations for any kind of feedback you need to give to your partner.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now, number two, we need to choose the right timing and the settings. So you should be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything, but it's not always the right time to do that. So it's really important to figure out when is the right time to do that, what the right setting is, make sure you don't have all those distractions going on. you're not highly emotional at that moment, right? Both of you are in a good place to actually have that conversation, to both listen and receive that constructive feedback that you have or the other person has to give.
Speaker #0
All Number three is to use I statements. Now, this is something that can be very difficult. It takes practice. Okay. But we want to, instead of saying, you're not doing this or you did this, you made me feel this way, you forgot this, we want to turn that around and say, I. I. feel this way or I heard you say this. Oh, I heard this said. You know, is that correct? Right. And we are owning responsibility instead of putting blame or saying you and putting our partner on the defensive. We don't want to pow, pow, go tit for tat in conversation. We want to use I language.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for an example, instead of saying, you know, you never listen to me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Never. what do you mean I've never listened to you right and here we go and you right so we're going to use the word I so I feel unheard sometimes when you do xyz right no is there another way that you could respond where you know I do feel like you're listening so that would be an I statement example that you want to be using for those conversations yeah I feel I feel on her versus you never listen to me Right. Now, number four, you really want to focus on the specific behaviors that you're seeing from your partner versus attacking their character. OK,
Speaker #0
so more about that.
Speaker #1
So you're going to guide the conversation to be focused on whatever you you're giving that feedback from the behavior that you saw in your partner versus like. You are. so messy.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You are never tidy. You have no regard to the way we live versus I noticed that you've been leaving dishes in the sink. Can we work on that? Because it's creating a mess, you know, when I'm trying to cook. Right. So I'm going to be addressing that specific behavior that I would like to maybe alter versus you. you're this, this, and this.
Speaker #0
Right, you're so jealous.
Speaker #1
You're a terrible person.
Speaker #0
You're so jealous. You never listen. You're uncaring. You don't care. You don't care about me.
Speaker #1
Yeah. and you should be able to give them specific examples because typically they will say what are you talking about right well name a term you know yeah you're just like that all the time you know you you need to provide them with specific things because otherwise you're just coming across attacking their character who they are who they think they are right instead of trying to help with a specific you you know, situation behavior that you're trying to give constructive feedback to.
Speaker #0
And then hopefully, cause I can see this where you're like, well, you remember last Tuesday. Oh, there you go again. No, always bringing up stuff I did in the past. Okay. Well, you asked me for a particular example. Yeah. So, um, and those are real life conversations and feedback and stuff and now we're going back and back we're not getting anywhere if we're not getting anywhere, pause let's invite the Holy Spirit, let's say wait a minute okay Lord, this is getting out of hand we're not seeing eyeball to eyeball and again the scripture says let's reason together let's come together and so ultimately the enemy is trying to drive a wedge between you all and descriptors has to be aware of his devices. So we can recognize that, hey, you know what? This isn't really us. There's something going on here. This is some voodoo. Let's deal with that and let's just keep moving on.
Speaker #1
Right. And that leads right into number five, which is to seek understanding and empathy. Okay. So we're going to do that active listening using our I statements and then seeking to really understand the other person's point of view.
Speaker #0
yeah so it's not always about you all about you yeah i think it's psalm 34 that's right where david says to seek peace and pursue it the eyes of the lord over the righteous and his ears over to their prayer with psalm 34 so yeah the seek peace so there's some people i just feel like they just love to argue right some people do love to argue yeah that's not for me at least it's not for me but you know in our relationship we need to be seeking peace correct unity being on the same page together
Speaker #1
loving the vision that you're working towards together. Right.
Speaker #0
How do we get that? How do we get the vision?
Speaker #1
We need to set the vision. Well, you lead and set the vision. And then. we discuss it, we agree upon it. You know, we get those details so that we know where we're going because without a vision, we're just going to be all over the place. They're going to be based on our core values. So hopefully you establish those during the dating phase to know what you're getting into for marriage. But a marriage should be based on core values that you have together. So if you have a core value, of something specific, your vision should be walking out those core values or it should be led by those core values so that you know where you're going as a couple.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So sometimes I've seen that sometimes a lot of cases I see where they're on two different pages because they don't have a vision and one person is on a completely different page and the other person, they're not in alignment because no vision has been cast.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
she's over here buying stuff and he's wanting to save. And because there's been no vision of this is what we're trying to accomplish or here's where we're going and here's how we're going to do this. Right. And we've got to have vision. We've got to have a plan in order to accomplish what it is we want to accomplish.
Speaker #1
And that's a great example because that situation would be a disagreement, right? That would be a money disagreement of one person. I want to spend and enjoy life. And the other person is like, we need to save and have stability with our finances.
Speaker #0
They don't tell me what to do with what I earn. I want to. I want to have fun with my, I work hard for my money.
Speaker #1
But if you have that vision together, that's going to cut out a lot of disagreements right then and there. Cause you can just point back to, this is our vision. Remember, like, do we really want to spend $500 every week on eating out when we're trying to, you know, save towards a home or whatever it may be. You can point back to, remember, we have this vision, we have this goal. And so that's going to cut out the disagreement because right then and there, you're both working towards something together. and so there's no, there's nothing to disagree about at that point.
Speaker #0
Or having a plan or we had a plan and now we're not sticking to it.
Speaker #1
So let's get back to it.
Speaker #0
One of the things that we share is pray, plan and pursue. And so we prayed it, we planned it. but we didn't pursue it where we've deviated from, from what we set out to do. A great example of that is I've counseled couples and the goal was to own a home. Like you just said, okay, great, great example. This is real life. Their goal is to own a home. and step one is to, you know, getting a down payment.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Saving up for that. Before that is credit, you know, and working on that to get to a particular score. Their injury rate can be lower. Well, lo and behold, homegirls out there, getting $700 headphones.
Speaker #1
Exactly. Right.
Speaker #0
And also like buying a brand new, uh, treadmill for $3,000. It's like where you guys are not moving towards your plan. You're not pursuing the plan. And so we've got to get back to alignment. And what would you say to that particular couple where the guy's like, we're trying to do this. And she's like, well, I got a bonus and I want, I really want this Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. That that's going to be maybe like you said, a disagreement, but you have to come back to, are we still working towards a down payment to a house? Is that still our vision? Because.
Speaker #0
It's mine, but you want this Peloton. So.
Speaker #1
What do you mean? It's yours.
Speaker #0
It's my vision.
Speaker #1
No, it's your vision. I was like, I thought you meant your money. Not your money. That's another.
Speaker #0
It's our plan. I want to buy a house, you know, next year.
Speaker #1
And you're saying the spouse is not having that same plan.
Speaker #0
She wants it, but she wants the Peloton.
Speaker #1
Right. I think then it's, let's be realistic about this plan and how is it actually going to happen? Because you may buy the Peloton, but you're not going to have a house to put it in if you don't, you know, work towards that goal. Is that something that you can maybe hold off for for a while and get your bank account to a certain level before you buy the Peloton? Or why do you want it right this second? Right. and those are questions that you should be able to have in a conversation and be able to work through that conflict instead of just letting that disagreement be like, bam, it's an argument. Bam. We're not speaking to each other. Sure. No, bam, our relationships on the rocks and we're complaining about our relationships up and down. And you know, so hard.
Speaker #0
And then my, my, my girlfriend is saying, girl, you don't let no man tell you.
Speaker #1
That's Buy the Peloton if you want it. You know, you really got to be conscious of. what you're letting speak to you, because, you know, does it say in the Bible, go talk to your friends about the situation and do what you want to do? You know, I don't think it says that. I mean, I know it doesn't say that. So where are we basing our vision on? What kind of life do you want to have? You have to have actions to get to that goal. So you have to reassess in that moment. All right, let's keep going. Number six is really at that point, you can offer that constructive feedback so you can really use those words. to talk to the person and then really focus on solutions. So let's not focus on what you did wrong, what mistakes were made, but let's focus on how can we move forward? How can we change? What can we do to make this better?
Speaker #0
One of the things that is critical and I've learned in my study of communication, and you may be aware of this, especially in the workplaces. don't offer a problem without offering a solution. So I'm not going to sit here and bash you, first of all, never. But if I'm going to offer you constructive feedback, I also need to bring to you a solution or a plan.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? So if it is... We had the example of my clothes on the floor. Well, sweetheart, this week I noticed an increase of, you know, your clothes being on the floor. And it created for me an extra load of laundry this week. And so what I'd like to do is if you could put your pants or whatever in this hamper here, that lets me know what I need to do. And if you could hang the rest of it up. that would create more cleanliness in whatever it is. Yeah. And again, that may not come out that way in the moment. Maybe you have to collect your thoughts to form those sentences.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
But. there was the constructive feedback, there was the time, and then there was the solution for what I needed to take place.
Speaker #1
And it's also helpful to ask them why, like, is there, you know, are you super rushed in the morning? So you're kind of like going so fast and just need to throw the clothes to the side. Is there something I can do to help you, you know, make that easier? Or is our closet not organized well enough that you... have an easy, you know, access to the hangers that you can hang them up? Like, is there some kind of outside factor that maybe I can actually help be part of the solution too, instead of just putting it all on them?
Speaker #0
Real life scenario. And I'm going to get better is we have a dresser in our closet and a, the top dresser holds my athletic gear and I left it out and I would, you know, I'm not the cleanest person. And so I would have my pants and shirts, like start stacking up on the dresser. Of course, they need to be hung up. And again, I, it is a character flaw of me to not do that. And you came and said, Hey, whenever this drawer is open, I can't get to the things that I need. Right. So if you could, can you help me with remembering to push a drawer in so that I can get to the things that I need? I'm like, oh, okay. And I actually never thought about that. Yeah. I wasn't doing intentional. Right. So real life scenario.
Speaker #1
Yeah, that's right. And then we're on to number seven. So this is kind of wrap it up. we are going to practice our patience and our grace.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace. Say it with me. Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Patience and grace. One more time.
Speaker #0
Patience and grace.
Speaker #1
Right? Yeah. So being able to have these conversations, being able to give constructive feedback, you know, that may take a little bit of time to work through to kind of get your groove as a partner, but really you ultimately need to have that grace and patience to your partner.
Speaker #0
I think it all boils down to that. patience and grace. Like all the six steps we say, if you don't remember any of them, just remember practice, patience, and grace. PP, practice patience.
Speaker #1
That's right. You know, your partner is always growing. They're always learning. You know, God is always speaking to them. You know, they always say God's working on you. Okay. And so you need to let them have, you know, that time to learn and grow. give them patience and grace.
Speaker #0
Yeah, and patience and grace with yourself as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. That's important too.
Speaker #0
Allow yourself patience. Allow yourself grace with your own self. Don't get frustrated with you. because sometimes we have our own expectations and you can feel like I'm not doing a great job, I'm not perfect enough. It's okay. We're going to get there. We have a whole lifetime to spend together with each other. And so give yourself and your partner the patience and grace to grow and reach the goal that God has for you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Those are the seven steps that you are able to give constructive feedback without conflict to your partner in your relationship. Love it. All right. We know that you can do it and you will do it. If you need a resource to kind of help you get started with planning and praying and pursuing that, we do have our relationship planning guide. Go grab that freebie right now. It'll give you that space to just map all that stuff out and actually get it accomplished.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Go get it. Like right now. Like, what are you waiting for? I don't know what's wrong.
Speaker #1
If you don't have it yet, you should.
Speaker #0
You need to go get it. It's that simple. It's in the show notes. It's in the description. Tap it. 15 seconds later, it's in your computer, tablet, or phone. So get the free Oak Haven Planner. We can go through the outline of praying it, planning it, and pursuing what, Terrell? Whatever it is you and your partner are working towards. so we're going to help you attain and reach the goals that God has for you and you have for one another so we're praying God's blessing over you we speak the favor and the blessing of the Lord over your life over your uh your relationship over your communication there won't be conflict and we just speak the peace the peace that goes over what you can understand be with you and work through your relationships thank you so much for tuning in and listening to us you we are here for you. We cannot be here without you. And it is a joy for, uh, to hang out with you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next week. God bless.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today. and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources: