- #0
Hi Frank! Packing peanuts?
- #1
What is it?
- #2
Greg finally caved to my extremely persistent requests. Hold on. So I present to you... Haha! Our new soundboard!
- #1
Oh,
- #0
well that's nice.
- #2
Nice! Nice, she says! The Mona Lisa is nice! The Sistine Chapel is nice! This is a work of art!
- #3
Welcome to the radio.
- #2
Wait, but what am I saying? No, no, no, no. How can I talk equipment at a time like this? How'd it go with Alex? Tell me everything. Every sordid little detail.
- #1
Holy cow,
- #0
a new soundboard! That is so interesting. Tell me all about what it can do.
- #2
You think you can distract me from your scalding hot tea by getting me to talk about gear?
- #0
I sure do, Elroy. Huh.
- #2
Well... Yeah, you're right. It's got bells and whistles, 64 pre-programmable fast action stings, customizable for each individual show, clean gold-plated inputs, digital call screening, and we can finally have two callers on at once.
- #0
It's simul-packed! Why would we want that? We aren't a politics show. We don't need any crosstalk.
- #2
Yeah, but think about how helpful it would have been to have that for Nick from Santa Fe.
- #0
We don't speak that name within these walls. Ah,
- #2
right. Fair enough. Should have read the plaque. Besides, the only name within these walls shall be Alex. Come on, how'd it go?
- #0
I mean, that's that. Well, that's personal.
- #2
Ah, you didn't call her. Okay.
- #0
Okay,
- #1
but look,
- #0
I'm just being cautious. This is... Uncharted territory!
- #2
Wait, is this your first girl crush?
- #0
Who says it's a girl crush? It's just a phone call that I ha-haven't made. Uh,
- #2
yeah, well, you know, since it's no big deal, what are you waiting for?
- #0
Oh, that soundboard is pretty. That has to... What did that set you back? Gosh, gold-plated, you said?
- #1
Stings,
- #0
it does?
- #2
It has eight kinds of transition sounds. Damn it, I can't not talk about it. It's so cool. I can't wait to get started. Come on, strap in. Let's take her for a spin, see what she can do.
- #0
Okie dokie, Gearhead.
- #2
But afterwards, you're telling me about us.
- #0
Stop that. I hate it. Good night, cuties, and welcome to Josie's Lonely Hearts Club. I'm your host, Josie Heller. Let's spend the night together. Do y'all like surprises? I love surprises. The intersection of delight and discovery. I never feel more alive than when I'm surprised. You know, my mother was a really beautiful woman. I grew up hearing her get compliments all the time. And one day, I asked her, you know, Mom, did you ever get tired of it? And she told me, The day I stop being surprised by compliments is the day I no longer deserve them. You know, I've puzzled over that one for a while. And I have no way to confirm it, but I think she meant that when we think we know everything, we shut the door to surprise, including the surprises that live right there inside us. And why, why would we ever want to do that when there are so many things to learn and feel and discover? All of our lives are brimming with things that we might assume are givens. Our facts are the norm. But if we saw ourselves, curiously, from the outside, if we dug a little deeper, if we asked the silly elementary questions, what if those building blocks that we thought were foundational weren't? Could our humdrum lives blossom, expanding into new possibilities and identities and paths and avenues to explore with wide-eyed abandon, all because we simply asked, has it always been that way? Will it always be this way? And what if it was different? How about you grab a machete? We're going off the beaten path tonight to find our true selves playing in the wilderness. Call me up at 505-555-KDNM and let's surprise each other. Frank, who's our first trailblazer?
- #2
Absolutely. Calling in, we have Sloan from Los
- #0
Alamos. Sloan from Los Alamos, welcome to the show.
- #4
Hi, hi, how are you?
- #0
Hi, very well, how about you?
- #4
From the get-go, I should say, I'm at work right now. So I work at the science museum here in Los Alamos, but it's a slow day, so I believe it should be okay. I heard your opener, and... It just had me thinking about how open I've been feeling lately. So I was doing my yearly reunion trip with old college friends. And so it's just, you know, all of us five friends get together, girls trip. I was just setting up the place and my friend walks in with this stunning woman. And I thought, OK, maybe it's because I've just recently broken up with my boyfriend. This was weird. a woman. I went to introduce myself and this awkward little girl, I wasn't sure if I should hug her or shake her hand. And so I don't know. I don't know if I held her hand for too long, but I shook it and I think I felt my face go red.
- #0
and i mean i'll tell you sloan i feel like i have a a secondhand crush just just listening to you uh you've never been in a relationship with a woman before right
- #4
Oh,
- #0
so you're kind of asking yourself, do I like girls now, right?
- #4
Well, I guess so.
- #0
So what happened?
- #4
Well, we all decided to go swimming that day, and she emerges from the lake dripping wet, and that's when I'm like... Hi little munchkins. I will be right there. I'm so sorry. Yeah, this group of kids just walked in for a field trip, I guess. I'm going to have to call you back. I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
- #0
I had so many questions. So, so many questions. Let's find out who out there is learning more things about themselves and expanding those horizons. Frank, we got anyone on the line?
- #2
Yeah, I think I have someone just as good. This is Norman calling in from Hobbs.
- #0
Norman, welcome to the show.
- #3
Hi. Hi. Hi. Thanks for taking my call.
- #0
Oh, of course.
- #3
I really did have a pretty mind-blowing revelation recently, but it's not going to make sense to you, I think, unless I give you just a little bit of backstory. Growing up, it was my job from a very young age, I would soak pinto beans, right? But, right next to it, I've got yesterday's beans that have been soaking. Those get rinsed and those go in the crock pot. But, I've already got the crock pot from two days ago, so we've got pinto beans every day. You got your complete protein because you got your rice, and then you got your 3 for $0.99 Jiffy cornbread. And that's a meal. I mean, if you want to go nuts, you can throw a bay leaf in the pinto beans, sure. Growing up, that was what we did. But here's my point. I had seen other kind of beans, but work sent me to New Orleans, and it happened to be on a Monday. And turns out Monday, the tradition there, on a Monday, it's wash day, and so the easiest thing you make is your red beans and rice. Now, that was new to me, and I'm like, well, holy shit, what have I been missing?
- #0
Whole new world of beans.
- #3
I get back to Hobbs, and I'm like, hmm, are there more beans? and it turns out, yes, there are, in fact, more beans. So what I'm doing right now, which I'm driving up to the farmer's market in Fort Talley. Hey, Josie,
- #2
just so you know, we have flown back on the other line.
- #3
Uh, do you...
- #0
Uh, no, no, please, Norman. I need to hear about, um, beans on the scene. I assume you're getting some garbanzos.
- #3
No, I don't. Is that the same as a chickpea? Okay, now, I've had those in the three-bean salad, and here's my problem with that. Ah. You get a three-bean salad, okay, and people are gonna make it, and they're gonna take the red ones, which I think are different from the ones in Louisiana. They're getting those out of a can, right? No, it's the other way around. The... the garbanzo ones are the ones in the can, but the other ones are dried, and then who knows where they're getting the green beans. But my problem is different textures and different densities. And so as this thing, like it's in like a vinegar thing, so clearly it's supposed to last, but then they're getting mushy at different rates. And then it's just this very strange mouthfeel. And for me, like if I'm going to go to all the trouble, and the green, don't even get me. The green beans, I don't even know why we call them a bean, because when you open it up, there's like these three little, the three things in there aren't even real beans. And so what the bean is the stalk, but no, the bean is supposed to be the little round part, right? So is this just one of those things where like there's things that... Are bean and are not bean?
- #0
You are starting a heck of a journey here at this farmer's market. You know, talk to them.
- #3
I got so many miles to go on 206. You don't even know.
- #0
So many beans. So many. Not even.
- #3
I've heard that the lima is the same as a butter bean. Can you confirm or deny?
- #0
I absolutely cannot. In fact, you know, I should check on that for you. And you should keep your eyes on the road, mister. Thank you. Thank you so much, Norman, for this bonanza. Well, that was an adventure. Say, Frank, have we got Sloane back on the line?
- #2
Sorry, Jo, she dropped. But I have something even more exciting.
- #0
You're kidding. What could that be? ads oh as much as i would love to fill this entire show with talking to you we have to strike a little bit of a deal with some of our sponsors so sit tight cuties
- #1
Hi, me again. Hey, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, why aren't I listening to ads right now? Okay, weirdo, that's sort of like your opinion, man. But I'd like to give you something that you could actually use. And today, that's a little bit of word-of-mouth marketing about a show that has recently become a fast favorite here at KD&M. It's called Death by Dying. Death by Dying is a dark comedy fiction podcast that serves as the obituary column for the charming town of Crestfall, Idaho. Now, I've been scarfing it down like white chocolate peanut butter fudge. If white chocolate peanut butter fudge had the right blend of compelling narration, offbeat prose, and clever sound design, which I think would necessitate some kind of salted or smoky element, like pretzel pieces or smoked potato chips, maybe, to properly capture the addictive allure of this show. As you might be aware, I'm a well-read individual, and the obituary writer's tone, his prose is really what drives the series for me. And for any of you literary-minded folks, that combination of whimsy and ominous curiosity, well, it evokes everything to me, from Tom Robbins to Spalding Gray to one of my personal favorites, Lemony Snicket. Besides, if I can be so indulgent, what Death By Dying does really, really well is- It's sweetening the medicine. Death by Dying helps broach these honest conversations about grief and loss and humanity, all wrapped up in this compassionate package. And I know that we goof off a lot here at KDNM, but ultimately that's, well, that's what Frank and I are trying to do as well. I'm certain that if you like the small-town antics that we have here at Josie's Lonely Hearts Club and have a touch of the gallows humor, I think you'll find the mysterious deaths of Crestfall, Idaho are a delight all their own. Season two is out now. Death by Dying is a member of the Fable and Folly Fiction Podcast Network and available,
- #0
say it with me,
- #1
everywhere you get your podcasts. Now let's get back to the show, shall we?
- #2
And we are out.
- #0
Beans.
- #2
Sorry, that interrupted your sapphic research.
- #0
Okay, quit it. But yeah, I might have been on a little fishing expedition.
- #2
I'm surprised your books don't get into a little girl-on-girl action.
- #0
Not the ones I've got. They're bodice rippers.
- #2
Then you pretend you're Georgios and rip her bodice!
- #0
What if she doesn't look her bodice ripped? What if she likes... Oh gosh, what if I have no idea what I'm doing?
- #2
Well, it sounds like you have absolutely no idea what you're doing.
- #0
I don't! Have you met me?
- #2
Hey, need I remind you that you are also a woman, so maybe the answers are inside you. Oh.
- #0
What? Ugh. What do you mean?
- #2
You know, I should talk to HR before we get into the birds and the... birds.
- #0
anyway we're back in five maybe she'll call back well maybe she will maybe she will maybe she will fingers crossed fingers okay fingers don't think about that Sorry to keep you waiting, cuties. Welcome back to Josie's Lonely Hearts Club. We are talking about all the new discoveries that happen when we, uh, take a look at ourselves and re-examine what we thought was important. Let's get it started up again. Who have we got next, Frank?
- #2
I have some good news, Jo. Sloane. Back on the line. She's back? She's back.
- #0
Sloane, tell me everything.
- #4
So where was I? Oh, right. Um, I mean, nothing happened that day, but That night I just kept dreaming about her dripping body coming out from the pool and well the next day we were all sitting together and having drinks and sitting around the fireplace and it was warm and there were all these candles that were lit and she just kept flirting with me. And I don't know I think she was she was to just laugh and stare into my eyes and you know just put her hair back and just. You know. Oh, honey, honey, no, you can't touch that. That's going to break. Okay, okay. Yeah, just go to your teacher. I'm so sorry. You know, we went to the kitchen, and I'm just thinking, how do I get this woman alone?
- #0
How did you do it?
- #4
Yeah, so we're in the kitchen. We're baking and her arm grazes mine and we both look at each other and it's like fire. And in that moment, I realized that it was time to take her into... Oh, aren't you cute with that Albert Einstein costume? Excuse me, I'm just gonna... These kids are...
- #5
I'll call you back.
- #2
the the tension you could slice it with a knife uh frank any other callers uh coming up next this is morgan calling in from abq morgan from abq how's
- #0
it going hi i'm doing well how are you i'm doing very well thanks morgan now what can i help you with
- #6
Oh, I just wanted to share something with you. I went to a murder mystery party the other day. Have you ever been to a murder mystery party?
- #0
I have not.
- #6
Beautiful kind of theater. Have you ever been to the theater?
- #0
That I have, yes. Yeah, yes.
- #6
It's beautiful. You know, the actors, they're beautiful people. There's lights and, you know, they're trying their very best, even if they're not very good at acting. And, you know, you go and you support these people. But anyway, I go to this. I go to this murder mystery party and we're there and everyone's dressed up. It's a masquerade. I don't know, have you ever been to a masquerade before?
- #0
Maybe not this kind, no.
- #6
A masquerade, from my understanding, is French for horny party. And it was. Because, you know, there's an element of you don't know who everyone is. You can't see their face. There's a mystery. The molecules in the air are vibrating. The lights, they come out. We hear a gunshot. And then the lights come up and then there's a body laying on the ground. Have you ever laid on the ground before?
- #0
Yes.
- #6
Isn't it soothing?
- #0
Yes.
- #6
But the squib didn't go off. And do you know what a squib is?
- #0
Something with...
- #6
It's a burst of blood that, you know, like sprays everyone, you know, and that adds to the horniness, but it didn't go off. And so the other actor in it goes, oh no, it's a magic bullet. It's a witch's curse. You know, I've done a little theater myself. And so I get up there and go, I am a doctor. I'm going to give this guy CPR. Oh. As I come down, I tap his little knee, which is, you know, in the theater, you're like, hey, I'm here. I'm going to, you know, be touching you. Is that okay? He taps me back, and that means it's fine. And so I go to bring my lips close to his to give a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And again, I cannot stress how horny everyone is, how palpable the sexual energy is. It's crackling. And so as I put my lips on his, he gives me a little scoop of the tongue. to invite mine into his. And I'm like, yeah, I'm keen. Why not? Go for it. And so I slide in around in his mouth particulars, and it's the hottest kisses I've ever received. Have you ever received a hot kiss?
- #0
I've lost count.
- #6
It's just joyous.
- #0
One of the chief joys.
- #6
A moment of, you know, improv. organizational theater. I removed his mask to see who the victim is, and I recognized him. It's my high school sweetheart.
- #1
No.
- #6
Well, almost. We were inseparable. We played lacrosse together. Have you ever played lacrosse?
- #0
No.
- #6
We look into each other's eyes. I stopped to cry because I remember all this pining I'd done. We were best friends, and I always loved him. And I could never tell him because I wasn't brave enough. And he, he's being very still because he's also playing a corpse. So he's a dedicated actor.
- #0
I mean,
- #6
I start crying so hard. I throw up. Luckily, I, you know, I miss him, which is great. He grabs the back of my head and he snogs me hard, even though I've just yarts all over the floor. And, uh, you know, we got married.
- #0
Oh!
- #6
Getting divorced next week.
- #0
Oh!
- #6
It's been a whole up and down, but, you know, we've never been closer.
- #0
I'm floored. Oh, well, that's wonderful. I like you taking care of yourself, and I hope that you take care of each other. All right, thank you.
- #2
Wow, that was surprisingly hot.
- #0
I was also pretty surprised. Morgan really spun the tale for us.
- #2
Yeah, well, I think I have something to add to the heat. We have Sloan from Los Alamos.
- #0
Sloan from Los Alamos. I have been waiting for your call.
- #3
Thank you. Hey, it's Norman. And let me tell you, you gave me a great idea when you started listing off those beans. Why have I been stopping at three? Because even if we chuck the green beans, we could make a seven bean salad. Who's who's stopping us? You know what else I'm thinking?
- #0
Eight beans.
- #3
Why not eight? And I get to this farmer's market in Portales, I bet somebody there is going to have balsamic vinegar, which I think I've been sleeping on the balsamic, if I'm being honest.
- #0
Maybe I'm just not the right person to handle these bean... But I want to encourage you to continue to go forth towards the bean horizon and just...
- #3
There's a cranberry bean.
- #0
Is there?
- #3
Here's... The thing.
- #0
Uh-huh.
- #3
Do you think I could put all seven of those beans, like, never mind the balsamic, in a chili, though?
- #0
I guarantee you that you could. I, I, I throw all the beans in the crockpot. It goes, I, you can't go wrong. So, hey, Frank, why don't we get Sloan back on the, back on the air?
- #2
Sorry about that. It's this new board. She's actually disconnected for now. I actually have another caller, though. This is Gianna calling in from Roswell.
- #0
Gianna from Roswell. Welcome to the show.
- #5
Josie, it is such a pleasure to be here. I'm such a fan of yours.
- #1
Well,
- #0
the pleasure is all mine. Now, what can I help you with?
- #5
Well, I'm calling because I've realized something about myself, and that is I have a type. Do you have a type, Josie?
- #1
Oh, well...
- #0
You know, I would have said maybe I have a type, but you know, I'm just trying to be a little more, um... adventurous. Maybe things are changing. Oh, okay. But yeah, I understand the concept of type. So lay it on me, Gianna. What's this type?
- #5
My type is people with a secret. People leading a double life. People who are not who they say they are. Who are not what they say they are. I've dated some real winners in the past. I dated a man. He was stealing five dollars out of my wallet every day. I dated a woman. Turned out she had a secret family in Texas. I dated a man. He said he wasn't lactose intolerant, but oh boy. Oh! I dated a woman. She was Flo from Progressive.
- #0
Oh, I see.
- #5
It's the through line of my relationships.
- #0
It does feel like you've got quite a variety pack of secrets. Now, if the secret is what draws them in the mystery, when you find out what that secret is... What does that do to the relationship?
- #5
Listen, I love, I love when I know they are keeping something from me. It is like I'm in a menage a trois. Like I am, I am dating two people. I am dating the person I know I'm dating. I'm dating someone else that's hiding something from me. It is, it's exciting, it's thrilling, it's what could it be? Once I know what it is, the romance is gone. The excitement is gone, the mystery is gone, and I break up with them faster than you can say, get out of here, Frank. Josie. I gotta tell you, I have started dating this woman now, Samantha, and I am insanely attracted to her. But I have stalked her on social media, I've asked all her family and her friends, I posed as the IRS, and I had her audited. Oh! And I can find nothing wrong with this woman. Right. She is out there on the porch every night looking up at the stars, and I'm trying to look into her eyes. But I can just tell she is going someplace else, and I don't know where it is. My question to you is... How could I be so attracted to someone if she doesn't have a secret?
- #0
Now, I wonder if maybe you've considered. Maybe you're sick of the secrets, and maybe Samantha, by her very own merits, has just become a good partner for you.
- #5
Does that sound boring? I don't know, Josie. Is there something I could search? Because I've got her computer open right now.
- #0
I don't love you snooping on Samantha's computer, but I am starting to put some pieces together, I'm thinking. Samantha is alluring, gazing out at the stars. You met her in Roswell.
- #5
Josie.
- #0
Gianna, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- #5
You don't think.
- #0
I mean, if you've ruled out everything else, this is. I mean, you have to be careful, Gianna. You can't be snooping on laptops because you just don't know what the repercussions of this could be.
- #5
I, I, now I'm seeing, now I'm seeing a folder. on her computer. It looks like some images of some lights in the sky. I don't, I don't, do I, I gotta click out of this.
- #0
Think about this. You don't know what the consequences might be. Not only for your relationship, but for New Mexico. For, for the world.
- #5
I mean, that would be the mother of all secrets. That would be the secret to end all secrets.
- #0
Gianna, do you know what this means?
- #5
What, what does it mean?
- #0
Now you have a secret.
- #5
Oh,
- #4
Josie. Now
- #5
I have a secret. Oh, that feels pretty good. I'm the one with a secret now. I hope you know. You got a secret now, too.
- #0
I sure do. I sure do. Gianna, thank you so much. And please, for your sake, I hope that you can let the mystery be. Live long and prosper.
- #5
I cannot wait.
- #2
I don't want to leave you hanging, Josie. I think I have this figured out. We have Sloane.
- #0
You're kidding.
- #2
She is back.
- #0
Sloane from Los Alamos. I have been waiting for your call.
- #4
Yeah, well, little Albert Einstein over there was distracting me. Anyway, yeah, so we grazed hands is, I think, where I left off. And I just was trying to figure out how to get her alone. And she had mentioned something about her painting hobby. And so I said, hey, you know. Maybe I could see some of your paintings. And so we went up to her room and we just, you know, started a... You know, I don't mean to interrupt myself here, but I happened to catch the ending of Norman, was it? He was starting to talk about this chili dip. I keep thinking about that. Oh, my God, yeah, I've been wanting to make chili for this woman. But I actually did want to know what kind of beans, if Norman's still there.
- #2
Yeah, one second.
- #3
Yeah, I'm here.
- #4
What are the best kinds of beans that go in a turkey chili? Like, is it okay to mix that?
- #3
I'll be honest with you. You know, this is still kind of, you know, new territory for me. I'm still exploring and learning about myself.
- #4
Oh, for me too.
- #0
I start this show so that we can discover new things about it. I guess I inadvertently opened the door to turn Josie's Lonely Hearts Club into a cooking show.
- #3
And so... I'm not afraid to try new things, you know, I'm gonna mix it up.
- #4
Oh, I hear you.
- #3
I'm not just about the kidney and the navy beans and the, you know, I might throw some black-eyed peas in there.
- #0
I can't, no more beans,
- #3
no- I mean, once you try black-eyed peas,
- #0
you're- Nope, nope! Uh, I'm so sorry, Frank. I just... I couldn't take being beamed. Uh,
- #1
that's fine. We're basically out of time anyway.
- #0
Ah, well. Okay, small miracles, I guess. Uh, wow, that is gonna... I still have so many questions. Um, anyway... Thanks, cuties, for joining us tonight on Josie's Lonely Hearts Club. We had ourselves a real fun time looking at things from a different angle, maybe gaining a little bit of perspective on love, on life, and on ourselves. But keep your hot little hands off that dial. You stay right where you are because we have a fantastic show coming up next, don't we, Frank? Because as we all know, that show is called Ridges on Ridges.
- #1
ridges on ridges yes absolutely join matt ridges as he tastes his way through all of the lays lineup uh he's got the wavy chips uh even the doritos uh he is going to empty vending machines and bare his soul to
- #0
you our audience ridges on ridges up next here on kdnm now that is some can't miss programming all righty Nighty night, cuties.
- #1
And that's another show.
- #2
Okie dokie.
- #0
Time for you to go.
- #1
It's okay, Joe. We're friends. You can fart in front of me. Ugh,
- #0
no. I'm gonna call her.
- #1
Her? Oh, you're gonna call her? Right now?
- #0
Uh-huh. Yeah, from the landline. While I've got the nerve.
- #1
It's time. It's time. No yips.
- #0
Just a yippee-ki-yay.
- #1
Okay, alright. Oh, no, wait. I have to stay and do the thing.
- #0
Don't worry about it. I'll do them. I'll do them right now so you can just skedaddle.
- #1
Oh, alright. You got yourself a deal.
- #2
Josie's Lonely Hearts Club was created by Maximilian Clark and Rachel Music. Our callers this week included the talents of Frank Romeo, Jesse Cannizzaro, Tristan Miller, and Anjali Khurana. Our story editor is Eliza Brugger. This podcast is brought to you by the Good Story Guild. Also, if you have a story you'd like to tell Josie or some advice that you'd like to ask, well, please send us a voicemail and the email address that you'd want to use. It's also in our show notes. It is audio at goodstoryguild.co, not dot com, dot co. And who knows? Maybe she'll play it on the air for season three. I want to give a shout out to Richard on Reddit who came up with this fantastic idea. We are so excited to be able to make it happen. Anyway,
- #0
99 cuties. I got a call to make.
- #1
That was really good. What am I still doing here? Oh, well, you're in luck. On my way out, she called you.
- #0
Stop. No. What? Is it?
- #1
Deep breath. Deep breath. You got this. Okay. You're going to be okay?
- #0
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. all right great i'll see you next week here goes nothing Hey there.
- #3
Hey, thanks.
- #0
What?
- #3
Yeah, I...
- #2
You son of a bitch!
- #0
I'm so sorry.
- #3
Yeah, I'm thinking this eight bean chili is gonna be the next new thing.
- #0
Oh.
- #3
I'm thinking, you know, eastern New Mexico is just... I thought it was just famous for, you know, four bean peanuts, but here we are.
- #0
Oh, yeah, okay.
- #3
Yeah, I'm gonna stop here in Lovington, because it turns out I wasn't supposed to leave...
