Description

We've got some eggshells on the floor here at KDNM, and Our Lady of the Airwaves is in rare form. Between a spurned pyromaniac, a reverse harem, a boy-sober sadist, and a slam piece, Josie may finally help us uncover the meaning of love.

Our callers included the talents of Michael Mau, Laura Holliday, Cali Daby, and Brendan Sokler. Josie’s Lonely Hearts Club was created by Maximilian Clark and Rachel Music. Our story editor is Aliza Brugger. This podcast is brought to you by the Good Story Guild. Keep track of us at goodstoryguild.co and be sure to touch some grass today.

Hosted by Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

• Speaker #0

  Hi.

• Speaker #1

  Sup.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, you're, uh, coming in pretty close to the wire there, Jo.

• Speaker #1

  I'm here, aren't I?

• Speaker #0

  You seem extra cool today.

• Speaker #1

  Cooler than the underside of James Dean's pillow, why?

• Speaker #0

  Nice, nice. New shampoo or something?

• Speaker #1

  Oh, I had an epiphany. Oh! Yeah, real revelation, just you wait.

• Speaker #0

  Well, I won't have to wait long. Come on, cans on.

• Speaker #1

  You got it. Can't believe it took me so long.

• Speaker #0

  Alright.

• Speaker #1

  But I get it.

• Speaker #0

  Five.

• Speaker #1

  Love. Four. Is complete. Three. In total.

• Speaker #0

  Two. Two. What?

• Speaker #1

  Good night, cuties. Welcome to Josie's Lonely Hearts Club. I'm your host, Josie Heller. Let's spend the night together. I don't say it enough, my desert stars, but boy do I appreciate you. Sometimes life is a way of reminding us who's in charge. Newsflash, it ain't us. For a minute there, I almost forgot why this club of ours exists. To be a lighthouse bordering the sea of love, where we, tempest-tossed, crash onto the shore like beach dolphins tangled in plastic nets. only to flop despondently, far from the pod we once knew, bamboozled by romance's capricious little mind games. But I remember now. You're my people. And what have we got if not each other? I mean, our partners? I mean, even if they are who they say they are, are they who we need them to be? And if we don't know what we need, which is perfectly acceptable, then how are they supposed to give it to us? Who can afford to be that trusting in this economy? Why do we even bother? I can't believe I fell into the old ditch of Pollyanna Moonbeams and Primroses Polly Pocket Playset horse hockey. Especially when Luff, as we all know, is an ornery predator who never shall rest until her vengeance is felt upon each plane of existence and all dreary mortals are under her thrall. Don't shoot the messenger, cuties. I'm just telling the time. You know, sometimes I feel like Groucho. Why would I be in a club that would have me as a member? But you, you changed my mind. So let's rev up the old grief blower and vent. It's time we sat down, grabbed the knitting, and had ourselves a good old-fashioned stitching bitch. Spin me a yarn. It's 505-555-KDNM, and please, don't skimp on the salt. Frank? Who's up first?

• Speaker #0

  All right, I suppose we have Colby calling in from Anthony.

• Speaker #1

  Colby, welcome to the show.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, I've been in a thought was a committed relationship for two years, two months, eight days and four hours. I don't know, Jesse, I thought I thought this one was the one.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah,

• Speaker #2

  Jackson. That's her name. She's adventurous. She's smart. She's great in bed. She's she's she's got my sense of humor. I just love her so. much.

• Speaker #1

  Mm-hmm. Where's the catch?

• Speaker #2

  The other night, while we were, um, we were making sweet, passionate love on the floor, she called me Kobe. Josie, my name is Colby, with an L, and I feel like the biggest L alive now.

• Speaker #1

  Kobe? Yeah, yeah.

• Speaker #2

  We hiked Kilimanjaro together.

• Speaker #1

  So who is this Kobe? That's what I want to know. Who's she thinking about?

• Speaker #2

  Maybe she's...

• Speaker #1

  Two months, two years, eight days, two long is what it sounds like to me. Jackson's stepping out on you with somebody named Colby?

• Speaker #2

  Aren't you supposed to tell me that the names are very similar and that maybe she just misspoke?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, well...

• Speaker #2

  That's what she said. She said Colby, but I misheard it.

• Speaker #1

  I know that a lot of other hosts might tell you that. They might say that on the surface, this seems like a really honest mistake. Maybe the L didn't make its way into your name.

• Speaker #2

  Thank you for that. You know,

• Speaker #1

  it makes me feel what I'm going to tell you the truth.

• Speaker #2

  What?

• Speaker #1

  You have every right to be upset right now.

• Speaker #2

  I do?

• Speaker #1

  Because I think that that was a little Freudian slip. How do you know that Jackson isn't purposefully finding men with names similar to you so that she doesn't slip up? She's got a Kobe. She's probably got a Colby. You know, she's got a... this harem who are on the line just like you. That's what I think.

• Speaker #2

  Skydive tandem in Greenland as the northern lights sparkled around us and she proclaimed her love to me and- And that sounds like a lot of fun.

• Speaker #1

  That manipulative so-and-so. I don't have words.

• Speaker #2

  You just said words. You called her manipulative so-and-so and I don't- Yeah,

• Speaker #1

  where is she right now?

• Speaker #2

  At work, probably. Unless she's not.

• Speaker #1

  Is she?

• Speaker #2

  I don't know. What is? Where? What?

• Speaker #1

  Exactly. You don't know anything anymore.

• Speaker #2

  I don't know anything anymore. She's not at work. She's not at work.

• Speaker #1

  She's with Kobe.

• Speaker #2

  She's with Kobe.

• Speaker #1

  You're in a bit of a state right now.

• Speaker #2

  I'm in a bit of a state right now.

• Speaker #1

  So it's understandable.

• Speaker #2

  It is understandable.

• Speaker #1

  And you're just going to push through this. You're going to knuckle down. And on the other side, it'll feel so much better.

• Speaker #2

  Push through this with my knuckles down. And on the inside, it's going to feel like knuckles. better, I mean...

• Speaker #1

  Well, look, you've got a long road to hoe, but listen, you can call back anytime you want. You have a great rest of your night, okay, Anthony? My name is... Well, Frank, let's get this show on the road and keep things going. What else have we got?

• Speaker #0

  Okay, coming up next, we have Hazel from Albuquerque.

• Speaker #1

  Hazel from Albuquerque, welcome to the show.

• Speaker #3

  Thanks, Josie. Just to jump right into it, my partner and I split up a month ago,

• Speaker #4

  I would say.

• Speaker #3

  And, you know, it's been hard. It's been hard. I just keep finding all this stuff. And it's, you know, it brings it all back up. I've called him a couple times. He's come by to pick things up. But honestly, it just feels like it's reopening the wound every time. You know, we talk about why things ended and what, are you seeing anyone? It's just really hard.

• Speaker #1

  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'll tell you what he's trying to do. he is trying to weasel his way back into your life, back into your good graces, and more importantly, into that apartment. You. Better box up all that stuff, and you gotta take care of yourself. This is your house now, and it is your apartment to live in by yourself now that you are a newly emancipated woman. Yeah! And you can put all of his trash where it belongs on the curb, and that's where he can pick it up. If he's got something to say to you, he can just take a long walk off a short pier, because you're not gonna hear it anymore in their writing room.

• Speaker #3

  That's exactly right, Josie! I feel like he's trying to, like, trick me into coming back over to get his books. box here of of all of his crap and all of his meds for his seizure disorder and his sports collectibles you should have packed better exactly if you were gonna leave me take everything exactly Josie you are so helpful this is exactly right he doesn't need any of that I'm gonna throw it all away burn it burn it

• Speaker #1

  I'm gonna burn it then you know it's a little ritual for you and that will feel so freeing they're like you'd like a cleanse Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Purification by fire.

• Speaker #3

  Exactly. And I'll block December.

• Speaker #1

  Block it, yes.

• Speaker #3

  I know I miss emergency contact, and he's like, I'll die without my meds, Hazel, but I just...

• Speaker #1

  If they were so important, you would have taken them with you in your overnight bag when you went on to take the rest of your life, okay? So spare me the sob story, bucko.

• Speaker #0

  Hey, Josie, not to jump in there. Hey, Hazel, are these the only meds he has?

• Speaker #4

  I mean,

• Speaker #3

  maybe. It's not really my responsibility anymore to keep track of if he has his meds or if he's taking his meds or...

• Speaker #1

  He's been gone for a month. Yeah. He's a big boy.

• Speaker #3

  I know that the pharmacy he used to use would only give him a refill every 60 days, but it's only been 30, so he probably has at least some left.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. Sounds like that's a him problem.

• Speaker #3

  Yeah, thanks, Josie.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, and if you take yourself off as that emergency contact, well then, you know what? He'll just have to pick somebody else to mommy him and to make sure we take his little medicines. You know, you don't need to do that. So thanks, Frank, but butt out.

• Speaker #0

  Hey there, Hazel. Can you wait on the line for a second? We got a station call. We have to actually go to a quick ad break.

• Speaker #3

  Okay, great. I'm going to start this fire.

• Speaker #1

  Thatta girl, atta girl. Outside, well ventilated.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, yeah, good advice there, Joe. Take a stance?

• Speaker #1

  Sit tight, my lonely hearts. Life is full of a lot of sucky things. Some of them are ads. Here's a few.

• Speaker #0

  Okay. Mm-hmm. Joanne? Huh? We are ten seconds to switching to a best of Josie if you can't get your shit together.

• Speaker #1

  Oh, can't you handle the truth?

• Speaker #0

  I can't handle the manslaughter charge.

• Speaker #1

  Oh, you can't spell manslaughter without laughter, Frank.

• Speaker #0

  Does it look like I'm laughing, Joanne? Tell that girl to give her ex the meds, or I'm taking you off.

• Speaker #1

  Why? So he can go on cheating on her?

• Speaker #0

  Okay, okay. So, the thing about breakups is however long you've been together, you take 10% of that time, and that's how long it's gonna go on sucking for.

• Speaker #1

  So, Hazel should just move on.

• Speaker #0

  No, I'm talking about you. And Alex.

• Speaker #1

  Alex and I didn't break up, Frank. We weren't ever together. So, what is 10% of nothing? And who gave you the right to tell me what I can and can't say on air?

• Speaker #0

  That's literally my job description.

• Speaker #1

  Well, this isn't about Alex. Great.

• Speaker #0

  That is great to hear. So, now you're going to tell Hazel to give back the meds, and I swear to you, you will thank me tomorrow. Oh,

• Speaker #1

  fine. You're probably right. I'm just getting carried away. I'm sorry. Look, just put me back on, and don't worry, I'll set her straight.

• Speaker #0

  Thank you.

• Speaker #1

  Mm-hmm.

• Speaker #0

  We're back.

• Speaker #1

  Thanks. We are back. Hope nothing catastrophic has happened to you while we were on the ad break. Thanks. We're going to bring Hazel back on the line. Hey, girl, what's up? During the ad break, I was talking to Frank and he said a lot of things. And I just want to let you know, he...

• Speaker #3

  is an enormous stupid dork and uh nothing he said is uh is worth listening to you know i could kind of feel that like you know anti-feminist energy coming from him when he was trying to control our conversation yeah

• Speaker #1

  there was a little bit there was a little bit he was kind of spreading into the airwaves do you know what i mean just sort of yeah yeah like mansplaining like how like meds work in a pharmacy Uh, anyway, look, you have got the rest of your radiant life to get back to.

• Speaker #3

  I really appreciate your support. You've been a real help, Josie. Thanks.

• Speaker #1

  You bet. You bet. Stay strong. Oh, now you're not going to talk to me? Cuties, if you're listening right now, the reason I'm not talking to somebody is because Frank is giving me the silent treatment. Like an adult.

• Speaker #0

  We have Shauna calling in from Alamogordo.

• Speaker #1

  Shauna, welcome to the show.

• Speaker #4

  Hi, Josie, thank you. I'm calling because I have been in all of these. turbulent relationships when I look back at my romantic past, like start really hot and heavy. And then it's just like super dramatic blow up, you know, this last guy, I really thought that he was the one and then it all just kind of blew up in my face. And I've realized that I think relationships really are my problem. And I think I'm kind of a love addict, you know, and this is where all the trouble in my life is coming from. So I decided that I need to be celibate and like sober from dating and relationships for a while.

• Speaker #1

  I think that's a fantastic call. Shauna, you know, we all need a break every once in a while. And God knows, I know if your drug of choice is love and romance and all the turbulent firestorms that come along with it, then yeah, you're going to get burned. I think you're making the right call.

• Speaker #4

  Okay, well. Thank you. 100% agree with everything that you just said. It's like, I really do feel addicted. So I've had to really take proactive measures to just shut that stuff down before it even starts. Like the other day, a cute guy waved at me when I was walking across the street. And normally, I would have gone over and talked to him, but I just pretended to be on the phone and walk. the other way, right? This cute barista at my coffee shop this morning was like trying to ask for my number and he said he looked nice. So I just went ahead and poured my whole scalding hot Americano all over my own shirt and screamed and ran around. But I was also somewhat badly burned, but also he wasn't interested anymore. So I guess I did the right thing.

• Speaker #1

  Well, I don't want you to literally cut your nose off to spite your face. Don't cause yourself harm in the attempt to make yourself less attractive.

• Speaker #4

  So I just feel like I need to do a lot of things to dissuade people from talking to me.

• Speaker #1

  That's wonderful. That's wonderful. It is finite. It has a temporary shelf life. But I do, I want to affirm your choices. But there are things you can...

• Speaker #4

  Thank you for affirming my choices. Like, we got this really hot new coworker. Like, I was doing really well with the abstinence stuff, and then he showed up, and I was like, oh, no, this guy's really cute. So I just right away went and downloaded a virus to his computer and made it look like he'd been downloading porn at work. And they made him take a leave of absence. He's gone. Like, he might get fired. And then I don't have to work with him anymore. So, like, the temptation has been kind of neutralized.

• Speaker #1

  I hear what you're doing, and you're starving it out. Unfortunately, you are creeping into some ethically gray territory. I think... that you have to fortify yourself and you need to practice telling people to screw off. And you got to practice that scowl.

• Speaker #4

  I look really pretty when I scowl too, though. Ah, that's it. It's starting to become kind of a problem. Like, I feel like I'm starting to get a rush from these, like, diversions that I'm doing, you know? Like, now I... I'm kind of addicted to like stopping the attraction. The other day, a cute guy looked at me while I was in traffic. So I just rear-ended somebody in front of me and I didn't stop and give out my insurance information. And like I'm getting a high from doing that kind of thing. I'm now getting a high from ignoring the people who think I'm attractive. So it's like a double addiction.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. I mean, that's using a nuke to solve a recess fight. And that's, I think. the calibrating that we need to have. But here's, let's turn this on its head a little bit. Do you know why these diversions feel so good?

• Speaker #4

  I mean, I think it's just kind of exciting. And it's like I have the power to get the male gaze off of me.

• Speaker #1

  There you go. There you go. That is the point. The power. You traded in the power to hold a man's attention. You've traded that in for the power to make them leave you. And you're wielding it marvelously. Maybe too marvelously. But the power that is there. That is the wellspring, and that is what will allow you to shut down conversations quickly and succinctly and without vehicular damage.

• Speaker #4

  That is like, you're blowing my mind. I feel like this was exactly what I needed to hear.

• Speaker #1

  And if you take the energy that you have put into those interactions, into a hobby, into a purpose, into something that makes you feel other than a beautiful scowler.

• Speaker #4

  My Twilight fanfiction, I've been trying to make more time for it.

• Speaker #1

  There you go.

• Speaker #4

  Okay, I'll do that after I go to traffic court.

• Speaker #1

  Be nice to the bailiff. Even if he smiles at you, just be nice. Well, hey, we are stepping into our own power and realizing that we are better than our circumstances and better than anyone who's gotten in our way. Frank, I think we've got time for another caller.

• Speaker #0

  Simon, Sunland Park.

• Speaker #1

  Wow. Wow. Cat got Frank's tongue. Simon from Sunland Park, welcome to the show.

• Speaker #5

  Hi. Long time listener, first time caller. It's a pleasure to talk to you, Josie.

• Speaker #1

  Pleasure's all mine, Simon. How can I help?

• Speaker #5

  Well, I'm honestly having a bit of a crisis of faith, and, uh... the idea of love. It's been about a year since my breakup. I felt like I should be reassessing going out into the dating world. I kind of swore it off after my last breakup. I was dating a girl named Susan, and after six months, I told her I loved her. She said, um, that's a little weird to hear from a slam piece. I was just here for the squish.

• Speaker #1

  Jesus.

• Speaker #5

  Mom's sleep broke it off.

• Speaker #1

  I'm speechless, Simon. What a... I'm so sorry.

• Speaker #5

  I was too. Yeah. So after, you know, a lot of therapy and personal growth, I want to try to tackle dating again, but... Why? 52% of people get divorced and every single person that I've ever loved didn't work out. What's to say that this one will? Or that there is another one? I could go out there and date and get nothing. I don't know what I should be optimistic about. Like, I feel good within myself. I feel ready to love and be loved. But I don't know if there's reasons to have hope in the institution. of dating who am i to be so arrogant to think someone out of eight billion people would match up just right with me and in my area like what what's even the concept of the one like maybe there's lots of ones maybe it's like steak

• Speaker #1

  sauce it's like a one or there's heinz 57 of them yeah

• Speaker #5

  I feel empty when I'm just engaging physically and I really want to believe that there's something more out there for me but I don't know if I'm ever gonna be a hundred percent ready I don't know if I'm going to be ready to have my heart broken I don't think I have two goes at that I think I have just one to get it right

• Speaker #1

  I feel you. We try and we try and we try. And we make ourselves the best kind of person that we can be. To try and find somebody else. And we get ourselves up to the threshold and we get ourselves up to the door. And we knock on the door and it just pies us in the face. Why would we even go through the effort, Simon, of long phone calls and mixed CDs and mascara and learning to dance and all of these little factoids that we prepare for dates if it just gets thrown back in our face and we're told every little niggling awful thought that our reptilian brain has been telling us in the middle of the night since the time that we were 12 years old? You know what I mean? And they just turn around and they say all those things right back to you and you go, yep, it's true. I've always. It's true.

• Speaker #5

  And I believe it.

• Speaker #1

  And that's what love does to you.

• Speaker #5

  I wanted someone to lie to me. To tell me that the voice in my head, my worst impulses and criticisms, might not have the same weight I'm giving them. But you told me the truth, and I appreciate that. But I've never felt more alone.

• Speaker #1

  I'm so sorry to hear that.

• Speaker #5

  Of course I'm not like that. You're right. It is a futile, hopeless, dark pursuit.

• Speaker #1

  Oh. Oh, Simon. I don't mean to say that there's nothing at all to be- Do you believe it's worth it?

• Speaker #5

  I- Just be honest with me.

• Speaker #1

  Is it worth it? Gosh, I mean, do you even hear yourself, Jo? Just listen. I know that sometimes when something seems negative or pessimistic or jaded or edgy, we're more likely to think that it's true. That's why you think that I'm being honest with you, but that's just my lonely heart talking. So I'm sorry. I was wrong.

• Speaker #4

  No.

• Speaker #1

  Simon, don't give up. I've said a lot and I've clearly opened up a dark little shoebox in your heart and it is not wrong to feel hopeless and it is not wrong to feel sad and sometimes when you host a radio show you're a sulky little asshole is what it is and you don't want to admit no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, Simon, that's, that's me, you gotta respect love, and in order to do that, you have to, um, you have to come as you are, you can't, you can't go in lying, hiding, love works when you go in open, and hopeful, and maybe a little bit fearful, and curious, I just keep tilting at that windmill, is all, if you don't feel ready, then don't do it. But... I was wrong. Simon, it's worth it. It is always worth holding that torch. But don't give up on it, please.

• Speaker #5

  Okay, Josie. I'll give it a go. For you. And I'll give you a call and let you know.

• Speaker #1

  You have a great rest of your night. Well, uh... What a night. What a night, my lonely hearts. I hope we all learned a little something about courage, about trust. Keep your hot little hands off that dial because we've got some excellent programming coming up on KDNM. As Frank knows, the show coming right up is it's

• Speaker #0

  felt works with a question mark felt works yeah um all of you do-it-yourselfers at home throughout new mexico may have been struggling to complete that craft project or home improvement project and meet the team that is wondering whether you can just use felt they'll try it uh for epoxies insulation bird houses what have you every week they take a new creation challenge and they just tried doing it with felt uh so far over the last six and a half seasons it has never worked but maybe this time will be the day uh felt works only here on kdnm that's

• Speaker #1

  right night night cuties

• Speaker #0

  All right, we are clear.

• Speaker #1

  Um, listen, I don't want any of your classic Frank I told you so's.

• Speaker #0

  Believe it or not, Joe, I have been where you are. I've jilted and been jilted a dozen times. And it's easy to let it drag you down, but you're letting the sadness of the swamp get to you. Fight against the sadness, Artax.

• Speaker #1

  Did you just quote the never-ending story at me?

• Speaker #0

  Nope.

• Speaker #1

  It sucks, though.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, yeah, it does suck. It really does. The times it doesn't suck really, really makes up for it.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. That come from a movie, too?

• Speaker #0

  Probably, but I heard it from you.

• Speaker #1

  Oh. Ten percent?

• Speaker #0

  Yep. It's like that every time.

• Speaker #1

  Ten percent of seven weeks? Four, five days? That was two days ago.

• Speaker #0

  Well, you know, ish. Gets quicker the more you do it. Point is, you will feel better. All right. Let me take care of the thing.

• Speaker #1

  Okay. I'll see you next week, then.

• Speaker #0

  See you next week.

• Speaker #1

  I got a movie to rent.

• Speaker #0

  Josie's Lonely Hearts Club was created by Maximilian Clark and Rachel Music. Our callers this week included the talents of Michael Mal, Laura Holliday, Brendan Sokler, and Callie Davy. this episode was edited by Eliza Bruger. Josie's Lonely Hearts Club is brought to you by the Good Story Guild. Be a champion. Follow them at Good Story Guild or join their Discord. Join the conversation. And if you enjoyed the show, tell your friends or something. You know, make them listen to it. Say, it will hurt me if you don't listen to this show. See you next week.