Speaker #0Good morning. Today I received a request to talk about anger management. And so here I am talking about that in English this time so that it can benefit to the maximum of people. So what is anger management? Anger management is basically when you feel angry, which is... normal emotion, right? When you feel angry, how you can manage your anger so that it doesn't consume you. Perhaps you want to shift quickly to another emotion. Perhaps you want to find some ways to don't feel this anger because for many reasons, but... for this special request the reason was that she's okay showing the emotion it's not a problem for her to express this emotion but the problem is that this anger stays with her and it's it is polluting her like because the anger it's not beneficial right when you feel it for such a long time so Here is my take on that and it's my opinion, just my opinion, it's based on what I learned also in coaching but also from my client experiences. What I know is that first the anger usually comes because the other person's reaction or communication, decision, it's... triggering something in you. It is triggering perhaps your values, right? The way you see life. And there is a quote that I love from Anaïs Nin, which is, we see things as we are, not as they are. We see things as we are, not as they are. And I think this quote is perfect for this context because we see things as we are. as who we are based on our values and not as how others see things, it is difficult, right, to be on the same page most of the time. I give you an example. For me, something that triggers me a lot is when people speak too much or when people cut you off when you speak. when they interrupt you or when people talk about only themselves and never ask questions. Why? Because it triggers my values of respect, of harmony, and I am also someone who likes to listen. When I'm in a group, I would rather be quiet. I don't want everyone to do the same, right? I don't want everyone to listen. Otherwise, there is no communication. If I listen, I need someone who speaks in front of me, right? However, I like when there is equality. Like if I listen, the other person speaks, right? But I want the other person some time to ask questions too, to be curious about me also. So those type of situations can trigger me because, as I said, it triggers a lot of my values. And when we speak about values, it's also important to define what they mean to you. Because, for example, I said respect, right? For me, respect is important. But my definition of respect might be different from your definition of respect. For example, for me, respect is about listening to each other. Like, don't be too loud, things like that. But perhaps for other person, being respectful will be about being very curious and asking a lot of questions and sharing who I am, right? So it is also important to take into consideration that my definition of respect, my definition of harmony might be different from yours. The first thing is to know that when I am triggered, when I am angry, it's because what the other person did or said is triggering me, is affecting my values. It goes against. my values right so that the first thing is to acknowledge that to understand okay where my anger is coming from that's the first thing is to identify that and then the second step i would say is to Shift our energies. I talk a lot about energies in my Programs in my coaching because all my coaching is based on and based on core energy So we all have in us seven Energy levels we all have in us at it's part of everyone. So the anger is The level two energy so I won't go into details here. But if you want to know more about it you can join my free group which is called ELI with Yuko on Telegram. I will post the link below this podcast, where I go more into details. But anyway, just to give you a quick overview of this level 2 energy, which is the anger. When we are in level 2 energy, we can have the thought like, Oh. This person is doing that on purpose. She's attacking me. She's doing it again. Why she's acting this way? I'm saying she, but it could be he, of course. Why he or she is acting this way? It's not polite. It's not respectful, blah, blah, blah. We have all these thoughts, which leads to anger, of course, which leads to frustration, anger, and that's level two. And so what happens is we go into conflict mode. So that's the result of it. So either we fight or if we don't fight, I mean, we can fight and have all this thought after inside of us. So we feel angry even after the event happened. We continue to think about it and it turns in our head. We have... 100,000 of head we are like oh I should have said this I should have responded this why this person did that so not only we can fight but also what the worst thing is that it continues to stay in us the anger continues to remain in our heart and is continuing to polluting our well-being and I think that's the worst thing because what happened is while you're angry towards the situation that happened Perhaps five minutes ago, one hour ago, one week ago, one year ago. Some people carry this for a long time, right? This anger. While you're carrying this anger in you, the other person is already living her life, his life. The other person is not thinking about you, not thinking about the situation. So actually, you're the one affecting your own well-being. And I think that's most important in anger management because we want to, why we want to manage our anger is for our own well-being, right? So level two energy is about that. So what we want to do is to climb the stair slowly but surely and move into level three. Level three energy is what we call the rationalizer. It is energy when we think it is what it is. It is what it is. This person acted against my values. This person did something that was not okay for me. But it is what it is. That's really the energy of it is what it is. And this is when we think like this, what happens? in our feeling, in our emotion, is that we start to feel a sense of forgiveness, right? It's okay. This person, it happened. We are not yet into compassion mode. This is in level four. So I'm not going into this energy yet because level four is another level. Because when we are angry, It is not possible to feel compassion for the other person. A lot of times we do this mistake. Someone is angry and we say, Oh, come on, let it go. Think about the other person too. It's not possible when we are in level 2 angry mode, anger mode. It's not possible to switch from anger to compassion. It's like jumping too high. It's not possible. We need to go step by step. So the idea... step is to go into level three, which is it is what it is. It happened. I am angry. I'm still angry. But what can what will it do? Even if I stay angry, it will pollute my my own well-being. What even if I'm angry, it won't change anything. So then you switch into this forgiveness, which is OK. I have to forgive myself. First, it's okay to feel angry. It's okay. It's normal. Given my values, my personality, it's okay to feel angry. But now what? Right? Now what? It's more forgiveness towards this situation, right? We are not yet into forgiveness of others yet. But it's about forgiveness of the situation. Okay, it happened. And now what? And so... In terms of result and action, you can imagine that it leads to more responsibility. You take responsibility. I think that's the important word for level three energy, that you start to take responsibility for how you feel. So level one is about victim level. So it's what is happening to me, why me, etc. So level one and two are really focused on me. my ego okay my ego was hurt why me why it's happening to me i'm so angry it's unfair i cannot tolerate this and when you switch into an energy that is more okay level three is about like okay now what it's okay to feel angry But now what? Like, let's switch into more. Let's take responsibility for how I feel. It has nothing to do with the other person. Because the other person, perhaps she has her own reason. Also, and also what she said has nothing to do about me. She didn't say it to hurt me. Perhaps sometimes she... It happened, that is the case, but she didn't say to hurt me. Most of the time, it's not the purpose of the person. It has nothing to do against me. It's not because she doesn't like me, but it's because what she said triggered me because of my values, right? For example, I give you another example, like when my husband asks me why I didn't put salt in the meal. It's a very factual question, why you didn't put salt. There are so many ways to take this question. Personally, when he says that to me, I took it personally because I'm not very good at cooking. So I took it personally. I went, oh, you're judging me, right? I know I don't cook well, but like, why? Why this question, right? I felt attacked. But if you remove this question from this context, it is a very factual question. Why you didn't put the salt in the milk? It's just a question, just a curiosity. So a lot of time... We take the question or the words personally because it is attacking us. Either on our values, as I said, or either on something you're working on and you don't feel confident about it. So when you get the question or the comment, you feel attacked. So level three will help you to detach from it and say, okay, I have to take responsibility now. Okay, I took it personally. Okay, so what now? Right? What now? And just being in this space of, okay, I accept the situation the way it is. So it is more statuical kind of situation. I accept it. That's okay. I can manage. Then you can switch into the other energies that are above level 4 and 5 and 6, 7. And so I won't go into details now, but yeah. So level four is about compassion. So it's when you start to forgive the other person and you're like, okay, perhaps this person said this for this reason, that reason. And this person also is going through this situation, this hard situation. Level four is when you start to have compassion for the other person and then you can put yourself into the other person's shoes. So as you can imagine, you cannot go there, as I said, directly from level two, anger to compassion, not possible. But just knowing that, OK, there is a transition phase, which is a level three and that can lead you to compassion later. It can help. You don't need to rush the process, but just knowing that at any given time, you have seven different options. So when you go into anger mode, there are always six other options. It's not fatality. We can say that. C'est pas un fatalisme. C'est pas une fatalité. Sorry. I'm laughing at myself because my English and my French are not perfect. That's okay. Anyway, that's what happens when we speak different languages. So it's not a fatality, I guess. That's how we say it. I'm not sure. But it means that you always have the choice. I think that's the goal of this episode. You always have the choice. So you can choose to stay in level two, anger, forever if you want. Some people do. They stay for years and years and years in anger and in their heart. And then it leads to disease most of the time. Because our emotions lead to very heavy disease, right? Cancer and other heavy diseases when we keep this anger in us, right? Or this regret in us. So we have the choice to stay there or we have the choice to first acknowledge. It's always very important to acknowledge where it's coming from in me. And then choose to shift into a more healthy energy level, I would say, which is a level three, which is it is what it is. Nothing personal. What can I do now that will help me, benefit me, that will be more healthy? And then I can choose, okay, do I want to go in level four, five, six or seven? I hope this episode was helpful. That was a bit longer than the other episodes because it's such an important and deep topic. I could speak about it for hours and hours, but I will leave you with that. Feel free to reach out with any question or comment and I talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
