Speaker #0The challenges are in front of us every day. We need to think deeper. We got to move different. We need to build with our soul and be aware on purpose. This is On Every Day. I'm Jay Floyd, your host, data engineering leader, and leadership coach. Let's go. Listen, whatever you keep naming... becomes what you get more of. It's because you make yourself synonymous with it. I'm going to show you how in this episode to redirect your attention and language so you start getting more of what you actually want and how to become the anti-pattern instead of just criticizing a pattern. Let's go. Let's just get into it, y'all. Have you ever heard the coffee story? the black coffee story. I know a lot of, I've seen it on LinkedIn a couple of times, heard it talked about. The story goes that somebody walks into a coffee shop and they say, you know what? The barista says, Hey, what can I make for you? And the customer says, I don't know, but I definitely don't want black coffee. The barista is like confused. Like what? He's like, yeah, I just, phew. One thing I do not want, I can't stand black coffee. Don't want no black coffee. So whatever it is, I'm getting something other than that. No black coffee. You never put in an order, right? So the barista's confused and walk away and you know, they start making some other orders. And if they look over and they see you still standing there, they go to make your order. What do you think they're going to go make? They're going to make you a black coffee. Why, though? Why? It's because you repeated it so much. You became synonymous with it. Your attention, your repetition is currency. You're going to pay whether you mean to or not. Right. You walk in. You want something. But if you spend in all your words on what you don't want. What is the barista supposed to hear? They hear the repetition. Human brains hear repetition. That energy feeds other energy. You prime in the whole experience of going to the coffee shop around a negative. So what do you think is going to happen? Well, it's probably going to work out negative. Now this is a story, this is kind of like a motivational speaker type story, right? I felt moved by it. But this actually happened to me in real life. And I think I've talked about it. If you've been rocking with Jay Floyd from back in the day when I was, you know, even before the COVID days when I was doing this podcast and it was called The Big Bro Show. I've talked about this before. Right. There was a time back when I was a kid. My brother was still alive. My brother was about 16. He had gotten his job. He got a job, his first like real job working at McDonald's at the mall. Shout out to Cleveland Heights. Shout out to Severance Mall, Severance Circle. I think it was called back then Severance Center. He got a job at McDonald's. Right. So every day he would go put in his four hours or whatever and he'd come home. And, you know, the McDonald's was right in the middle of a food court. And so, you know, he would say to me and my mom before he left, like, hey, I'm going to work. First, it was like, hey, I could bring you some McDonald's. But nobody wants to eat McDonald's all the time. Especially if you're going to a food court where there's a variety of things. So eventually he would say, hey, you know, I'm going to work. I can stop at any of those places for y'all on the way home. You know, just tell me what you want. Subway had just opened. I don't know where, how long subway has been around as a national chain, but I do know in Cleveland and Cleveland Heights where I was at, I had never seen a subway, right? It was something brand new to us. This is around 1988. And I had been to the mall. I had seen it. I smelled their first baked bread, right? And, it had this sandwich on it that said seafood and crab. And I was like, what does that even mean? Right. And, I mean, here's like, I'm an Aquarius, right? Like we, I don't want to get too deep into astrology. You know, it's not something that I firmly believe in, but I was raised like this, right? My mom would teach me that Aquarians are kind of weird, like we're a little bit left of center and that has been the story for my life. Right. So yeah, I find, I'm interested in the exotic and that sandwich seemed exotic. So I was like, Hey, you know what? get me, seafood and crab sub six inch. And he was like, ugh, seafood and crab. That sounds disgusting. And I know most of y'all listening right now, you probably agree with him. I agree with him too, right? Like here I am now at this age, you know? But at that time I was like, what do you mean? No. And he was like, you want to eat that? I was like, yeah, that's what I want. It's interesting. I want it. Seafood and crab. Oh, I wonder what else they put on it. And how does that taste? What does that even mean? to make a Subway sandwich out of seafood and crab. And he's like, I don't know what it means, but it sounds bad. And I'm like, I want it. And he was like, man, okay, suit yourself. I'll bring it. And you know, he proceeded to go about getting ready for work. Throughout the, I don't know, maybe 45 minutes it was taking him, you know, he would walk past me and I see him and he'd be like, you sure? Seafood and crab? And I'm like, yeah, yes. And this happened a couple of times. You know, he walked by and he's like, you still that's still really what you want. I'm like, yes, that's what I want. And then like about 10 minutes before he was getting ready to leave. I'm like, I'm sitting there and I just have like all this instant regret. And I'm like, oh, I'm starving. I'll be then I definitely can't wait for him to come home for this with this subway. And man, what if I don't like that thing? What if it really is disgusting? So he's on his way out the door and he's like, all right, y'all, I'll see you later. And I'll bring your food. And I was like, hey, you know what? Change my mind. I don't want that seafood and crab. Just give me something regular, like a cold cuts combo. And I remember he looked at me and he smiled and he's like, oh, smart move. You changed your mind. All right. And he left. Fast forward to when he left. came home, you know, I hear him coming through the door. I get excited that we jump up. My mom's like, hey, all right, we all go in the kitchen. We meet my brother reaches in the bag and he, you know, brings out these Subway sandwiches and I get mine and open it up and the smell hits me. I'm like, what is this? He's like, ah, yeah, got you that seafood and crab thing you kept asking In my mind, I'm like, no, no. It's absolutely not what I wanted. I'm like, don't you remember right before you left? I said, no, I changed my mind. And you looked at me and you said smart move. And he was like, ah, dang, that's right. You did, didn't you? All I could remember was that you kept harping about this seafood and crab sandwich. I want to let that story sit there for a minute, right? The strongest signal usually wins. The signal you repeat the most becomes the one that people associate with you. You become synonymous with what you keep naming. What are you naming? If you keep naming what you don't want, you're going to keep living with it. I wanted to explain to him, I wanted to change my mind. I wanted to get something else. But you know what? I spent five seconds saying that, whereas I had spent over an hour defending the seafood and crab. So my question to y'all today. What are you spending your time repeating? What are you making yourself synonymous with, right? Are you... is that... do you hop on social media and just constantly criticize Trump or criticize anybody? Is that what you're doing with your life? Like is that it? Don't get me wrong. I feel you but here's my point: be the anti-pattern. At some point, you keep fueling what you don't want. Right. And I don't want to turn this into a political podcast. I'm not I'm not super political myself, although I have a ton of political thoughts. But I'll say this in my circles, President Trump is extremely unpopular. Right. And in my circles, President Trump is extremely popular. What do I mean by that? Well, in my circles. President Trump is extremely disliked. Read unpopular, but also in my circles. President Trump is extremely talked about on a daily minute by minute basis. Read popular calling out problems can be necessary. Explicit specific problems. problems. Let's get to it. And I know right now there's some big ones out there, right? Let's talk about them. Let's get to them. Let's point them out. But if all I do is criticize, I'm simply an amplifier. Even if I'm just amplifying criticism, I'm still throwing that person's name around. I'm still bandying that about. My algorithm is still full of that name, right? You don't want to just be the anti. You want to be the anti pattern. Embody it. What is it that you don't like about what the thing is you're criticizing? What's the opposite? What is it that you do like? Tell me what you stand for, right? Some of the most unpopular people in the world at the moment are really clear about what they stand for, even if it's atrocious. Even if it's despicable, what do you stand for? Is it just calling them atrocious and despicable or is it something else that shows me a different way of living, a different way of governing, a different way of being, a different way of loving, a different way of communicating, right? I think we can all recognize fire when we see it but what's the point if none of us brought water? What's the point if nobody called the fire department? Stop feeding the machine that you claim to hate. Right. So here's I'm gonna keep it simple and repeatable for you. Here's the anti-pattern spec. Find the pattern you reject one sentence. No rant, no ranting, man. Stop giving them all that attention. If you if there's something you don't like, find a pattern that you reject. This is what I reject. Boom. Don't go around every single person and banter with them. Hey, you know, no, no. Use your preferred platform. Find where you are impactful in your circle of influence and beyond and state the pattern that you reject. One sentence. And then right after that, state what you stand for. One sentence. And remember, this is positive language. It's not wrapped around. What the other person does, right? It's just like a marriage, right? You can't move forward in a marriage and communicate. And if you're focused in on what the other person is doing, you got to tell me what you stand for, right? And next is your embodiment. What is one behavior you will do this week to prove that this is what you stand for? Not to prove that you reject the pattern. No, because I can just complain and prove that. Prove to me that you are the embodiment of what you stand for. What is one behavior that we can do this week? And then what's one receipt that I can keep, right? That shows that it happened, right? All right, I'll give you an example, right? Like let's say I'm a person, man, I hate scattered execution. I hate vague goals and New Year's resolutions. I hate it. I don't like those New Year's resolution people. I don't like that, right? Okay, that's the pattern you reject. State it clearly. Well, I reject scattered execution and vague goals. Well, what do you stand for? I stand for clarity that really means something, that really moves the needle, that really ships. Okay, what's the embodiment of that? What are you going to do? Well, I'm going to do a 10-minute daily plan and one outreach action, right? To show that I'm changing something in my life And I'm helping somebody else. One outreach action. And what's the proof? Oh, I'm going to screenshot a calendar block and some sent messages. I'm going to show that I did this. That I put it on the calendar and that I got it done. Right. Give me another. Let me give you another one. Right. What if this is what if you say, you know what? I hate people who get upset and they don't put in action. Right. Well, state the pattern you reject outrage without action. I reject outrage without action. Right. I stand for local building and real repair. Boom. Clear. How do you embody that? I'm going to do one weekly act of contribution or service. I'm going to go do something. And then you're going to find the proof. Here's my conversation, here's my donation, here's my volunteer shift, here's one log to action. Critique is cheap. Embodiment costs. That's why it changes things. That's exactly what the issue is. If your identity is what you hate, you're still trapped by it. Some people are principled. They're just reactive because look, if you can't describe what you want or what you are without mentioning what you don't want, you're not free yet. You're not free yet. So here's the idea. What if we write three things you complain about the most? Oh man, I'm not even gonna go three, man. I know speakers tend to go three. I'm just gonna do one. What's the one thing you complain about the most? And for each one, write the positive opposite in one sentence. Pick one embodiment action you can do over the course of the next week and do it And write that receipt: "I did blank at blank." Stop being a commentary channel only Become a builder. of your life, of your thoughts, of your philosophy. Name what you want. Live like you mean it. Your focus is a vote. Cast it on something. Cast it on purpose. Be the anti-pattern, right? Be the anti-pattern. And listen, I want to appreciate it. I want to say thank you for joining me here again. I know it's been a minute since I posted. I've been locking in, man. I've been really locking in and doing some great work. I am now offering my coaching at Leland Coaching. So if you go out there and check me out at Leland, if you sign up for Leland Coaching, you'll be able to see my hourly coaching and my coaching packages, right? I really think for anybody who's trying to level up, who's trying to... lead more with their identity and who they really are, sign up for coaching. I think it's something that could really move the needle. I know I've advertised January 31st. This is a workshop that I'm running. I'm actually going to change that. And because of my coaching in Leland, I prefer for you to go meet me at Leland for my packaged coaching. So for January 31st, I am still going to offer group coaching. But it's going to be a free group coaching. So hit me up, go to my website, rareonpurpose.com and find out more information or reach out to me on LinkedIn and keep checking in here with On Everything. And we're going to keep covering more and more leadership topics, cultural topics, just things that are on my mind as I continue to reframe life and let life coach me as life is coaching all of us. So I appreciate y'all joining me. I appreciate you rocking with me. And y'all be good out there, man. And remember, embody the anti-pattern. Stop focusing on what you don't. y'all.
