Speaker #0Hello and welcome to Stop Wasting Your Life, the podcast. I'm Ava Heimbach, your host and founder, and today is our episode two in our three episode series about anxiety. So episode one was last week and today we're on episode two. So we're going to be talking a little bit about how you can't always control your anxiety. I know personally, there are things I can do to try and stop my anxiety a little bit or maybe make it a little bit less. But I cannot always control when that anxiety shows up, but I can control how I respond to it. So this might mean, you know, learning to listen to your anxiety and advocate for yourself, even if it disrupts your plan a little bit. So today I'm going to tell you a little story about a time where anxiety definitely had a mind of its own and completely changed some plans that I had, and they were actually really big plans. So stay tuned for that. Before we begin, I want everyone to know, and I'm going to remind you every single episode, that there is no right or wrong way to live your life. The definition of a fulfilling life is unique to each person, and I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but give you ideas, knowledge, and inspiration to help you create a life that you think is beautiful. Welcome to Stop Wasting Your Life, the podcast that helps you break free from a life of self-doubt and distraction and inspires you to create a fulfilling and purposeful life. Each week, we dive into actionable advice, meaningful conversation, and insightful interviews to empower you to prioritize your well-being, pursue your passions, and become the best version of yourself. It's time to stop wasting your life and start building one that you are excited to wake up to. Once again, I'm Ava Heimbach, your host, and this is Stop Wasting Your Life. So today on the topic of anxiety, I'm going to tell you a little story about a trip that I took. Well, actually, I attempted to take this trip. After the story, you'll have to tell me if you think I took this trip or not, because I guess I kind of took it, kind of not. But anyway, it was a couple years ago, and... My anxiety ultimately ended up changing this trip quite a bit, but I also learned a lot from my anxiety because of this trip. So I'll begin by stating that this was March of 2023. My friend Ethan and I decided that we were really in need of a trip to Paris because who isn't in need of a trip to Paris sometimes? We had both never been to France and he had one week for spring break and I thought, okay. I've traveled with Ethan before. He knows all about my anxiety while traveling, and we could probably make a pretty good trip out of this. And even better, because I was fully online for college and I didn't really have a set spring break, I asked my friend Hannah, the Hannah, Hannah Girard, who has made a few appearances on this podcast. It was her. We had just become friends, so I'm surprised after this experience she still wanted to be friends with me. But anyway. I asked if she wanted to meet me in Paris after Ethan left. I thought that, you know, maybe we could spend a few days there. We could go some other places in France. And she agreed. So we booked the trip. Fast forward a couple of months. It's March. It's time for a Paris trip. I ended up flying from Kansas City to San Diego, where I would meet Ethan. And then together we would fly from San Diego to Paris. So per usual. The days leading up to the trip were filled with lots of anxiety, stress, maybe a panic attack here or there. But for some reason, I felt like ultra anxious about this trip. I don't know exactly what it was, but something was unsettling me like mentally and it was making me feel really, really off. But despite these emotions, you know, I always get anxious traveling at least a little bit. So got on the plane and went to San Diego. While I was in San Diego is kind of when that anxiety like really started to kick in. I got super homesick right away. The anxiety worsened. And I literally remember calling my mom in the cafeteria at Point Loma where Ethan went to school and crying to her about how bad my anxiety was and how I wanted to go home like a little baby. But she gave me her you can do it pep talk. And I wiped my tears and continued forward. So the next morning I woke up feeling a little bit hopeful, got a lot of sleep, felt a bit better, and... I remember Ethan walking into my room with his suitcase and his morning bowl of oatmeal, and it hit me, and I finally got excited. Like, okay, yes, I am going to Paris right now. This is awesome. So I put my last couple items in my bag, and off to the airport we went. So usually when I pull up to the airport is when the anxiety, like, really starts to kick in. Like, it's almost like my body realizes, like, oh, this actually left the group chat, and you're going on a vacation, and you have to get on. a flying piece of metal trapped in the sky. But this time, I remember not feeling that anxious for whatever reason. And I felt okay. I had talked myself off of my anxiety ledge, which we talked about last week. And I was ready to get on that airplane, kick this trip in the butt, and get to Paris. So when we made it to the gate, I got my usual oatmeal from Starbucks and an overpriced airport water bottle and sat down in the airport chair. And that's when I was like, okay, I feel good. I've got my food. I've got my water. I feel good. So Ethan sat next to me. He ate his bowl of fruits and then he said the most dangerous, gut-wrenching, anxiety-inducing words. that could be ever spoken into Ava Claire Heimbach's ears, and that is, you guessed it, my stomach hurts. Yep, it was at that moment where my heart rate spiked. It went through the roof. I shot up out of my seat. My heart started racing, and I did the inevitable, like anyone with a fear of vomit would do in that moment, which is I panic. Surprise. I made my way to the corner of the airport where I used every form of breathing technique that I could remember, tried to calm down. And as the flight attendant announced that we were boarding our plane, I knew that this panic attack was not going anywhere anytime soon. So if I haven't mentioned it before, I recommend doing everything in your absolute power to stop a panic attack before you resort to medication. And. I tried everything in my absolute power before I decided to take medication. But at this particular moment, I did pop a little bit of Xanax. And I'm telling you this because it's important. So hold on to that side note for later on in the story. So while I was panicking, I went back to Ethan and I had informed him that a Xanax had been popped. Because when I take Xanax, sometimes I get a little silly. And I thought that I would let him know ahead of time, just in case I got a little silly with Ethan. He reassured me that he was probably just hungry or stressed. And once that fruit hit his stomach, it would settle and he would feel all better. So Xanax kicked in. My heart rate started to slow. I took a deep breath and I was ready to get on that airplane and go. Side note, because of anxiety on airplanes, I... almost always choose to sit on an aisle seat. So that way, if I do get anxious, I can easily get up without bugging all the people next to me and asking them to move 800 times. So I ended up getting myself an aisle seat towards the center of the plane. And Ethan wanted a window seat in the very back of the airplane, like very back corner of the airplane. He was sitting back there. So at the time, I was upset that Ethan wasn't sitting by me because, you know, you want to sit by your friends when you're traveling. But now I know that that was actually the biggest blessing in disguise. Thank you, Jesus, for not letting Ethan sit by me. As the airplane was taxiing, I pulled out my phone to text my boyfriend at the time to let him know that I was leaving. We turned the corner onto the runway and I sent my I will text you when we land text. I sent that to him. I sent it to my family. And I placed my phone on airplane mode and I was ready to go. So here's the part of the story where I really wish I could just say that the Xanax kicked in. I had no more anxiety and we landed in Paris and went straight to a bakery and got a croissant. But sadly, that is not how this story goes. It was probably 10 seconds after I placed my phone on airplane mode that the pilot turned on the intercom for an announcement. Um, we had a passenger on the aircraft who has gotten sick and we will be turning the plane around to clean up and get him off the plane. Sorry for the inconvenience and we appreciate your patience. Okay, so yeah, the Xanax had fully worked. Like I was finally feeling calm and quite literally I felt amazing and thought I was going to get through this flight with no anxiety whatsoever. And now the plane was turning around and going back. Yes, it was. So I turned off my airplane mode and texted my mom and boyfriend and pretty much said, just kidding. Some loser got sick on the airplane and we are turning around. So I sat on the airplane, calm as could be, thanks to my friend's annex. I was playing my puzzle game on my phone, you know, just waiting for this guy to get off the airplane so I could make my way to Paris. And some lady from the back of the plane came and sat next to me in the aisle. I remember her looking at me and going, That poor boy boy, he just passed out and threw up everywhere and woke up not knowing what happened to him. Oh, she just spoke the T word. She didn't realize that the T word was a trigger word for me. And not only was I in shock that someone threw up all over himself and everything else in the back of the plane, but it was at that split second that I actually started to piece the puzzle together. And I'm not talking about the puzzle that I was currently halfway done with on my phone. I'm talking about the puzzle that was currently happening around me. Yeah, his stomach hurt. He was at the back of the plane. Pass out. Boy, I literally knew it was Ethan. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I knew it. I grabbed my phone. I texted him. Is everything okay back there? And 10 seconds later, he responded, it was me, period. So I shot up out of my seat, ran into the back of the plane, made eye contact with poor Ethan sitting in the very corner of the back row of the airplane. with vomit all over him and in front of the floor in front of him. Even with the Xanax in my system, this was a sight that made me lose it. I panicked and everyone around me could probably tell because I tried talking to the flight attendant who was asking me all this, all these questions about his health. And this whole time I was slurring my words, probably not looking in her eyes. She probably thought I was drunk. And honestly, she probably couldn't even understand what I was saying to her. Because honestly, I don't even remember what I was saying to her. So we might have to leave that open to interpretation because Xanax has me feeling like that sometimes. They ended up throwing Ethan's vomit covered clothing into a trash bag and informed us that we were in fact being kicked off the airplane. So the flight attendant set us on our happy way. Down the walk of shame to the front of the airplane from the very back, granted. And again, because of the Xanax, I could not walk down the aisle for the life of me. I was swerving. I remember that. And I was lugging my suitcase behind me, mid-panic, walking diagonally, bumping into people's shoulders. And Ethan was behind me with a large bag of puke clothes and vomit on his shoes. When we finally made it back to the gate, there was a very friendly airport staff member waiting for us with a wheelchair, actually. So apparently passing out and throwing up all over yourself unknowingly is uncommon, so they thought a wheelchair was necessary. Thank you, Delta. They sat Ethan down and started asking us questions about what our next step was. I tried to pull myself together a little bit and did my best to push past the Xanax and figure out what the heck we were going to do now. So after lots of troubleshooting and talking through options and definitely called my mom and was like, mommy, help. We decided that it probably wasn't going to be worth it for us to go to Paris. So our best option was to take the credit and go a different time. Sad, no croissant. But I was panicking anyway. So we packed up the vomit trash bag, called our friend Kira to come pick us up. I hobbled and stumbled my way back to Point Loma Nazarene University. Quite literally traumatized by what had happened. But also, I was at peace with the thought that I got to go home and get some relief from all of this anxiety that I was experiencing. Again, while it might seem kind of funny to you, traveling, being out of control, and especially vomit are huge triggers for me. And this experience really checked them all. I was shaken up. I was emotionally dysregulated. And. I was really looking forward to going home back to counseling and giving this anxiety the attention that it needed. So I booked my ticket home gave Ethan an air hug because you know damn well I was not going to touch him after he had vomited and got on my flight back to Kansas City. So even though the first part of my trip with Ethan was canceled I still had a whole other trip with Hannah that I had planned out and even though I was absolutely traumatized by what had happened the week before I knew that I couldn't cancel last minute on Hannah. So I was trying my very best to process and move past my anxiety. Once again, the flight to Paris was hard for me. Flights are usually challenging for my anxiety, but these flights were extra hard. I remember sitting in my aisle seat, of course, and my heart was racing. I was definitely panicking or about to panic, wishing that I could go home. And I felt like such a little spoiled baby brat because I was literally on my way to Paris, a place where people dream of going and probably will never get the opportunity to go to. And all I could think about was going home. I landed in Paris, made it to the Airbnb. and laid down for a quick nap while I waited for Hannah to arrive. When I woke up, my emotions were crazy. Like all at once, a multitude of emotions. I was still traumatized from the week before. I was homesick. I was lonely. I was feeling shame and guilty because of my anxiety. And of course, anxiety itself engulfed my thoughts. The only thing that my body could think of was to cry. And that is exactly what I did. I cried a lot because sometimes you really need a good cry and that is okay. I cry a lot and that's just part of loving Ava Claire Heimbach is she will probably cry in front of you. So I cried. I called my boyfriend. I cried. I took another nap. I cried. I called my mom and I cried some more. I awoke just in time for Hannah to text me that she was almost there and I had to figure out how I was going to de-puff my eyes because I had been crying so much. When she arrived, we sat down and talked for a bit and decided that we wanted to take our first walk around Paris. As the day went on, I got more and more anxious. My heart was racing. My thoughts were spiraling. It was horrible. I wanted nothing more than to enjoy this beautiful city with my wonderful, amazing friends, but I couldn't control my anxiety and my anxiety had other plans for me. That evening, I sat in the Airbnb with my mom on the phone. And I let her know how I was feeling. And she kept telling me, you know, just keep pushing through, keep pushing through. And I said, okay, like I can do it. I'll be fine. She assured me that it was going to get better and that that anxiety was going to go away. So even after I told her how desperately I wanted to go home, she reminded me that that would only make me feel defeated. And at the moment I agreed. But then I remember the next day being even harder. My anxiety was so bad. I had stopped eating. My body was in a constant state of fight or flight. I was walking feet away from an anxiety ledge. See the first episode for definition. And it was a very, very, very steep ledge. I was doing everything in my power to calm my thoughts and slow my heart rate. And as much as I tried, and I mean, I tried everything, but that anxiety was not going away. On day three, the anxiety was even worse. I was constantly thinking of the triggers from the week before that I had experienced. I was replaying them in my head over and over again, reliving the emotions that had traumatized me. And I was just, I had been anxious for so long. All I was doing was crying. I was stressed out. I was scared. I was confused. I was frustrated. And all this time, as I was struggling, my angel of a friend, Hannah, just sat there and listened. She listened to... my fears and my emotions and my pain. She let me cry. She was patient to me. And to this day, I mean, Hannah has one of the kindest, most patient, loving, forgiving souls I know. And I love her to death for that. And my next episode is going to be about the people we have in our lives who are there with us through our anxiety. But side note, she's amazing. So day four came around. I woke up and I felt absolutely miserable. The anxiety was still constant. Depression was beginning to consume me because, I mean, I had tried everything in my mental how to help anxiety manual, and I was still anxious. I was weak. I still wasn't eating at all. My body was literally shutting down, and it had caused me to start getting sick. My eyes were swollen from crying, and after a really, really long heart-to-heart with myself. I knew that at the moment what I needed to do for my body and my mental state and that was go home. I needed to do what was best for me at the time. And whatever was triggering this for me mentally was really taking a toll on me, not only mentally, but physically as well. My poor body was suffering and I knew that it was not healthy for me to continue putting it through this. when it desperately needed some comfort and care. And that is when I knew that I needed to go home. I remember calling my parents and telling them that I think I needed to come home. And I told them that despite their many pep talks and trying to get me to stay, I booked that ticket home. Hannah, again, an angel, assured me that she would be okay in Paris alone for a few more days before flying to Jordan to spend time with her dad, which was her original plan. I felt awful for what I had put her through. But when I sat and looked in the mirror and the body, the beautiful body that I was given, and I saw the pain and the anxiety that was consuming that body, it was skinny and frail and deprived of basic nutrients. And I knew that I needed to make that choice to go home for the sake of not only myself mentally, but physically. So that is what I did. I listened to my body, I listened to my mind, and I got on that airplane. Two Xanaxes later, a 30-minute panic attack at the back of the airplane with the flight attendants. One incident where I almost worked myself up so much that I didn't even get on the airplane, and eventually I was home. It took a while, but I did end up healing. Just like every other time my anxiety tried to get the best of me, I did eventually get through it. I nourished my body back to health. I started eating again. I was back in counseling. I was taking the time I needed to fully process and work through what I had been experiencing mentally, where that came from and what had caused it. I was patient with myself, reminding myself that I had done what was right by listening to my body, despite what everyone around me was telling me I did what I needed to do. And thank goodness I did because my body and my mind and my emotions needed it. So just like me, there will be times where your anxiety is going to interrupt another part of your life. As much as I wish I could control your anxiety and pick and choose those exact moments that it showed itself, I cannot. So sorry. Whether it's a trip, a birthday party, a work meeting, or a night out with your friends, you cannot control when your anxiety comes. You can't control all of your triggers, all of your fears, the way an event is going to play out or how your body is going to react. I couldn't control the trigger of Ethan throwing up. It happened and I could do absolutely nothing about it. I couldn't control how my body necessarily reacted in Paris. It happened and no matter how hard I tried, I could not control it. I have had to leave. Thanksgiving dinner with my whole family there because I was extremely anxious. I couldn't control the anxiety. I did control everything I could, which was breathing techniques and X, Y, and Z. But at the time, what I needed to do was I needed to leave. I have had to stand in the back of airplanes, bawling my eyes out mid-panic attack while a flight attendant stood there and told me, all you have to do is breathe. Like many of you know, just breathing does not always do the trick. So I told her to please stop telling me to breathe because it's not doing anything. I couldn't control the anxiety, but I did what I needed to. And that was panicking in the back of the airplane and telling the flight attendant to please stop talking to me. Don't worry, I did apologize for being a little blunt. As you can see, there have been many times where I've accepted my anxiety and I've advocated for what I knew was necessary. People are going to think... that they know what you need when you are anxious? Do you know how many times someone has told me to just calm down? Or, you know, it would really help your anxiety if you just took some deep breaths. How about the many times that someone has told me that there is no reason to be anxious? We all hear statements like this, and it's just not the truth. I wish I could step outside for a second and all my anxiety would vanish. But that's sadly not how it works. And people might think that they know what's best for you sometimes, but they don't always know what's best for you. There is actually only one person in the entire world who knows me when it comes to anxiety, and that is myself, Ava Claire Heimbach, the one and only master of her anxiety. Well, me and God, of course, but God aside, it's just me. No matter what anyone tells me, I am the only one. Who knows what is best for me physically, mentally, and emotionally when it comes to my anxiety. Pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you that they need. This is not something that comes naturally. This is something that has taken me years and years and years to learn how to recognize. Do what you need to do for your anxiety. Take a long walk, do some yoga, spend no matter what anyone tells me. I am the only one who knows what is best for me physically, mentally, and emotionally when it comes to my anxiety. Pay attention to what your body and mind are telling you that they need. This is not something that comes naturally. This is something that has taken me years and years and years to learn how to recognize. Do what you need to do for your anxiety. Take a long walk, do some yoga. Spend some time with people you love. Ask your friend if she can reschedule lunch. Leave early from a party. Don't be hard on yourself for something that you can't change. Learn how to work around it. In case you're wondering, I did end up making it back to Paris. And the first thing I did was eat two big croissants. One in remembrance of my first trip to Paris. And the second to celebrate the accomplishment of healing, growing. and making it back there once again. And this time, I did say the whole trip, everybody. Thanks for listening to today's episode of Stop Wasting Your Life. We hope that you are feeling motivated to take charge of your future and start living with purpose, intention, and authenticity. If you enjoyed today's conversation, be sure to leave us a good review, give us a follow, and subscribe to our newsletter. For more information, go to www. stopwastingyourlifepodcast.com and we will see you next week.
