Speaker #0Hello, and welcome to Stop Wasting Your Life, the podcast. I'm Ava Heimbach, your host and founder, and today is episode three of three. It's our last episode in our anxiety series. So today, we're going to start off with another little anxiety story. It's another another good one that does involve the fear of vomit. So stay tuned for that. We are also going to talk about those people in your life who are there for you and they will love you even with your anxiety. And some people might even love you more because of your anxiety. I know that people in my life, their life would be so boring if they didn't have me with my anxiety. So honestly, they should be thanking me. I remind you guys every single episode and I'm going to say it again. There is no right or wrong way to live your life. The definition. of a fulfilling life is unique to each person. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but rather offer ideas, knowledge, and inspiration to help you create a life that you think is beautiful. Welcome to Stop Wasting Your Life, the podcast that helps you break free from a life of self-doubt and distraction and inspires you to create a fulfilling and purposeful life. Each week, we dive into actionable advice, meaningful conversation, and insightful interviews to empower you to prioritize your well-being, pursue your passions, and become the best version of yourself. It's time to stop wasting your life and start building one that you are excited to wake up to. Once again, I'm Ava Heimbach, your host, and this is Stop Wasting Your Life. So I told you that we were going to begin with a little anxiety story. So it's gonna take place fall of 2024. One of my closest friends who was actually on our first episode, Renime, she decided that she wanted to study abroad for a semester. She went to a small, quaint little town nestled in the middle of France called Angers. It was I think it was like two hours west of Paris. And I was really excited that she took this opportunity. Number one, because how fun, like spending a semester in France sounds amazing. But number two, it meant that I was going to have to visit her. I was going to have to go make a little trip out to France and check on her. So... I wanted to make sure she was okay. I'm glad that she chose France because that was a great place for me to go visit. So I decided that if I was going to go all the way over there, I might as well stay for a little bit and spend some more time in Europe. Because the more time with René and in Europe, the better. So I decided to go for a month, which I was really excited for. I mean, a month in Paris. or in France with your best friend. Sounds amazing. But also being away from home for a month was a little bit of a longer period than I was used to. So there was definitely a little bit of anxiety. I had to keep telling myself, I only get one life to live and I cannot live my life running away from all of my fears and anxieties. So I took the opportunity. I talked through my anxious thoughts. And I did indeed book that ticket to Angers, France for, I think it was like a month and two days, a month and three days, somewhere around there. So the day, my day of travel, I did my little day of travel routine. I definitely cried a little bit, got a little panicky, got super excited, cried some more, wanted to cancel, and then decided I was ready to travel. And. then definitely cry again. But like I always do, I pushed through and put on my big girl brave pants and got on that airplane. Two plane rides later, an angry Parisian and a very interesting train ride experience later. And I made my way to Angers, France, where Ranim met me at the train station with a big bouquet of flowers. She helped me settle into my cute apartment. apartment and taught me some important and necessary French words. And I quickly concluded that French is not my strong suit. And I have a lot of respect for her because she can easily pick up languages. And I very obviously lack. that scale. So a couple weeks went by and Reneem and I had spent that whole time in Angers because she was studying. And after these couple weeks, we decided that we wanted to go to Italy for a long weekend. We were going to take the train to Paris, fly to Venice, train to Florence, train to Rome, and then fly back to Paris. So we packed our little tiny carry-on suitcases and were out the front door at 5 a.m. We went to Venice first, which was lovely. We spent a lot of time looking through the alleys and eating pasta and gelato and doing all the fun Venice things. We also sat on the ledge of the canals, rating the gondola drivers by how cute they were, 1 to 10. So that was my favorite part. But after our little Venice trip, it was time for us to go to Florence. So we hopped on a train and arrived really early in the morning just in time to go to breakfast. So I did some Google searches and found a highly rated cafe that just happened to be minutes away from our Airbnb. So we went there, ordered pesto omelets, cappuccinos, and Renew's favorite, pistachio croissants. We then went to our Airbnb, which was absolutely gorgeous. the windows. I remember the windows were so big and they just let in the most beautiful natural light ever. I walked in and I think it was purposefully designed so that the sunshine reflected all throughout it. It was so cozy, so warm, and just had this like super safe feeling to it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it was a very safe, warm feeling Airbnb. And there were plants all around it, which made it even better. And... there was also this beautiful little courtyard in the back that was just filled with plants. It was plants and there was a little table and that courtyard will come up later on in the story. So remember it. So we had breakfast, went to Airbnb. And with the remaining day that we had left, we had three things planned. That was visit the handsome David statue and attend a pasta making class hosted by a true Florentine local and then make our salmon and broccoli dinner that we would love to make all the time before going to bed and waking up super, super early to go to Rome the following morning. So we packed my mini fanny pack and we headed towards David. I remember as I was walking out, I had noticed that my heart rate had spiked a little bit. I don't remember what triggered it or what happens. And up. I mean, as you know, I'm used to my heart rate spiking a little bit. We got to the museum to see David. We had to rush a little bit because we had our pasta making class to go to. So we saw David, got through the museum. And as we were walking out to go to this pasta making class, I started to notice a little something. Yes, that little something was my tummy starting to hurt. Yep. Uh-oh. The tummy. She started to hurt. And I reminded myself that. Ava, you always get anxious tummies. You're probably just hungry. And the chances of your tummy hurting longer than five minutes is low. So we finished the museum and started walking the 30 minutes down the road to our pasta making class. So the class was only about a 30 minute walk from the museum. And about 10 minutes into our walk, I noticed... that my stomach was actually starting to hurt. So not like, oh, my tummy kind of hurts, but like, oh, my tummy is actually hurting. And as you can imagine, this definitely worsened the anxiety. And so now not only was my tummy hurting, but the anxiety had started to kick in. And all of a sudden, it all hit me at once. And I proceeded to have a panic attack in the middle of a random Street in Florence on the way to a pasta making class. Yep, that is exactly what happened. And as soon as I started to feel myself panic, I left the middle of the road and sat in front of this beautiful old building that was just full of greenery sprouting from the sides of it. It was so beautiful. I actually took a picture of it mid panic attack. And if I do anything mid panic attack, that means it's pretty important. So if that gives you any idea of how beautiful it was. But I... Plopped my anxious little booty on the stones underneath this beautiful statue. And I took one of my all natural anti-nausea pills. Usually these all-natural anti-nausea pills actually do a really good job of settling my anxious tummy. So I took one of those anti-nausea pills and I started to cry. I mentioned before, and I'm going to say it again, I'm a crier. Ava Claire Heimbach loves to cry. That's okay. We have criers out there. Shout out to all my criers. But yes, I decided to cry in the middle of a very populated public space. Reneem asked what I needed from her and I'm pretty sure I just looked at her and cried harder and that was her sign to go and find me some water. So that is exactly what she did. Side note, I did decide to have a panic attack at the base of a beautiful old building filled with greenery on a perfectly clear and sunny day and that meant that people wanted to stop and take pictures of it. So while I don't blame them, there was one problem, and that was that I was in all these photos. My red, puffy, swollen eyes that were crying a river, and I was sitting on cement, hunched over, wailing like a little baby. So apparently this building was a 13th century medieval tower that is actually one of the tallest buildings in Florence. So if you happen to be listening to this and you took a picture, of the Tour de Belfredelli in Florence, Italy on November 4th, 2024 at approximately 2.15 in the afternoon. I am probably in it. And if you would please DM me that so I can put it in my scrapbook, it would mean the world to me. Anyway, eventually, Reneem arrived back just in time because some lady who had stopped to take a photo of this tower was heading in my direction to check on me. So thank goodness Reneem showed up. because I don't know how I was going to explain to her what was going on without knowing a word of Italian. So I looked up at Renée with my teary eyes and told her that I didn't think I was going to make it to the pasta making class. I remember being so sad and just saying, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And her response was, don't be. And I stood up and she wiped the many pebbles off my button reminded me and said, you can't help it. It's just a silly pasta making class. Let's get you home and calm you down. I remember feeling so guilty and so ashamed because because of me, we were missing out on this experience. And I was the one who really wanted to do the pasta making class. And because of me, we were both now wasting $95 each. And there are many times where my anxiety gets in the way of something, not only for myself, but also for other people. And it's a horrible feeling. I feel like I'm letting myself down or letting Raneem down. But in that moment, I didn't really have time to feel guilty about the pasta making class. That comes later on. For the time being, I had a panic attack to think about. So we started walking back to the Airbnb. And it was the longest hike of my life. I'm pretty sure it was only like 20 minutes but again I was mid panic attack. I do remember walking by some graffiti on the side of the building we had passed that said Carpe the fucking DM. And I remember looking at it and taking a picture of it again, mid panic attack, because I was like, that's pretty cool. I'm gonna send that to my mom. I also just really love that saying like, seize the fucking day. Do the things that you want to do when there is a chance. instead of waiting for a later time. Like, I love that. And I feel like for the most part, I do a really good job of that. I mean, I could have waited for a day when I had no anxiety to go to France with one of my best friends, but is that day gonna come? Probably not. And anyways, I didn't do that because I wanted to go to France with one of my best friends and I knew that now was the time. So here I was walking the streets of Florence with one of my best friends. On the way back to our Airbnb, after missing our pasta making class, stopped in the middle of the road looking at some graffiti on the wall, mid panic attack, getting ready to hit full-blown panic attack mode. So once that mode came, full-blown panic attack mode, my heart rate started to race even more. My stomach was even more upset. I was absolutely hysterical. And I I mean, I tried every single coping mechanism. In my mental coping mechanism manual, I took a cold shower. I tried playing, doing a puzzle on my iPad. I paced around the room, coordinating my breath with each step I took. I mean, guys, I tried it all and still no success. So I ended up sitting down on the ground of the courtyard in the back of our Airbnb because at least the fresh air helped a little bit. But still, it didn't stop my anxious tummy twisting and turning and my heart rate that was uncontrollably fast. But Renine came outside, gave me another big hug, which helped, and told me that she was going to go walk to the market nearby, grab some groceries. And she let me know that. if I needed anything, that she would be back in 15 minutes. 15 minutes, I was like, totally fine. That's not that long. I'll be okay. I was wrong. Only a couple minutes had passed before there was a different sort of churning in my stomach. And I remember saying, oh no, out loud, knowing darn well, although there was no one there to hear me. But finally, the reality of the situation set in. And this was not just an anxiety churning that I was feeling in my stomach. This was a, I'm going to be sick churning in my stomach. Usually I have a hard time actually telling if I'm going to be sick or not, because 98% of the time when I get anxious, I get nauseous. So I try to convince myself until the literal very last second that this is my anxiety and it's going to pass and I'm not going to throw up. I asked my parents about it. I'm pretty sure growing up, I never actually made it to throwing up in the toilet. I either did it on the floor, the sink, a bowl, the bed, but literally never the toilet because I refuse to accept the fact that I am actually going to throw up. I refuse to accept the terrible, awful, disgusting horrendous reality that I was going to throw up because nope, it was just my anxiety. I wasn't going to throw up there, not in Florence, thousands of miles away from my safe space, which was home. But as much as I wish I could, I can't control my anxiety sometimes. And I definitely can't control when I'm going to throw up because this was one of those times. I turned to the side and I did it. The T word, I threw up, not even trying to be graphic. But I threw up everything in my stomach and whatever was in my stomach obviously needed to get out and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no amount of pacing, breathing techniques, distractions, or cold showers that could stop it from happening. It was inevitable and it happened and it was awful, as you can imagine, coming from someone who is terrified of throwing up. I'm not even trying to be dramatic, but remember, we don't judge each other's anxieties. But I would say that I was in pure shock because I picked up my phone and texted Raneem, I threw up, help. And I don't even remember picking up my phone and texting Raneem, I threw up, help. But those were the words that appeared in my text. I remember her response was just, I'm running. So despite the trauma that I just experienced with throwing up, I did smile a little bit at the mental picture of Raneem running through the streets of Florence. Carrying multiple full bags of groceries, running to a scene that she probably wishes she could have run the opposite direction from. Because when she showed up, she found me sitting there in the gravel, on the ground, throw up, sitting next to me, bawling my eyes out. The next 12 hours were definitely hard ones. At least they were for someone who was petrified of throwing up and can't handle the thought of being out of control, especially when throwing up. But I threw up three more times. And I was up all night with a trash can between my legs and was definitely crying the entire time. But that whole time, every single minute, Renine was right there next to me. She was holding my hair while my face was in the toilet. She was reminding me to drink water. She was rubbing my back and telling me encouraging words and At the time, I was definitely ignoring all of it because I was so caught up in trying to get through this horrible, awful reality that I was currently living. But looking back, I can see just how much those small acts meant to me. She even made this tea that her mom used to make for her when her stomach would get upset when she was little. I cannot tell you a single thing about what she put in this tea, but... All I can tell you is she went outside, picked something from a bush in the courtyard, boiled it with some other ingredients into some sort of like witch's brew. But whatever it was, it actually made me throw up more. But it's the thought that counts. So thank you, Rene, for your witch's brew tea. The following morning, I definitely started to feel a bit better. I had stopped vomiting and finally felt well enough to at least sleep a little bit. But sadly, my trusty caregiver, Rene, ended up waking up with whatever had plagued me the night before. After telling me to leave the room and sprinting to the bathroom, she swore on her life. that it was just unexpected explosive diarrhea. It wasn't until a couple of days later when she actually confessed that she had lied and had also fallen victim to the T-word. Even though she blatantly lied to my face, I am actually really grateful that she did because it probably would have stressed me out even more knowing that she had also thrown up. Later that day, I started to feel nauseous again. So within seconds, my heart rate went up. really fast. Once again, I started to freak out. I started to mentally relive my experience from the day before. And those same emotions, feelings and thoughts all started spilling back into my mind. And I was just not ready to take take it on once more. It just all hit me the fear, the anxiety, the panic. Within seconds, I had gone from being so proud of myself, so hopeful that I was on the way up. After a terrible, horrible, horrendous experience, and with a snap of a finger, that was all gone. The lying asshole anxiety appeared once again, whispering the lies that she knew would upset me the most. Get ready, Ava. You're going to throw up again. That's what she said. That's what she said to me. You're going to make a fool out of yourself. Be prepared to freak out again. Hela's coming back for round two. Raneem is going to have to put up with you in a state like this. And we all know that that is not an easy task. All of these lies, she was telling me all of them, and I could not silence them. So I went back to the age-old coping technique of Ava Heimbach, and that is I started pacing back and forth in the kitchen, tears in my eyes, heart rate increased, and I started to panic. but Raneem must have heard me because she calmly tiptoed her way in and sat down on the single stair connecting the living room and kitchen and I remember looking at her dead in the eyes and saying I can't do it yes you can she responded you've done it before and you will do it again and I I knew that was true like I knew that I had and I knew that I could but my brain would not let me believe it at the moment. I just... I believed that I couldn't do it. So I continued to pace and cry. And after 20 minutes, I was still pacing and still crying. Raneem, I can't do it. This is too hard. I can't handle my anxiety. I said that over and over again. And her response every time was, yes, you can. You've done it before and you will do it again. 20 more minutes passed. Raneem patiently sat on that same floor, on that same stair. I needed to do my little pacing anxiety thing, and she let me do it. All she did was sit there in my presence so that I knew that she was there. So after I had been pacing for over 40 minutes, I could tell that I was spiraling downwards faster and faster. So in a moment of desperation, I grabbed my computer, went straight to UnitedAirlines.com, and I found the soonest flight back to Kansas City. I don't know how I thought this was going to work because I was going to have to take an Uber from the Airbnb in Florence, fly to Paris, take the train to Angers, pick up the rest of my luggage, take the train back to Paris, and fly to Kansas, all within a span of 24 hours. So I guess at the time, in my head, it made sense. But on paper, it was never going to work. And that also would have put a giant dent in my credit card. But. In the moment, I really didn't care. Raneem walked over, closed my computer screen, looked me in the eye and said, you can do it, Ava. You've done it before and you will do it again. No matter how hard it's going to be, it is going to pass. And I am here and we are doing it together. And then after saying that, she walked right back to her stair step, took a seat and acted like she just had never left in the first place. You're doing your best and I'm so proud of you, she said. That's when I looked at her over on the stair and she gave me this like soft little smile. And it was like, you are doing your best and I'm so proud of you smile. And that's when I kind of came to the conclusion that Runeem is so right. I've done this before and I'm going to do it again. And as time went on, my heart rate slowed down a bit. And My breathing started to slow down and I just kept reminding myself that I've done it before and I'll do it again. And finally, I started to believe it and that tension in my body released and I finally started to regain that control of all my anxious thoughts. So I walked over to Raneem, who was still sitting on this step after 45 minutes of watching me pace, sob, freak out and panic. She had not once left that step. Once she could see that I had collected myself, she smiled and said, I knew you could do it. And she grabbed my hand, brought me back to the couch, turned on the TV, and I fell asleep watching Love is Blind with her right next to me. A couple of hours later, when I woke up, I had this new sense of calm throughout my body. And it was like this moment of hope. And this heaviness on my chest had lifted a little. I became mindful of my body again, and I was reminded that I am okay. I'm going to be okay. I've done it before, and I would get through it once again. It is hard sometimes to feel different from others. It's upsetting to think of myself as a burden or an issue or an irritation, and these are emotions that go through my mind. every single time I have anxiety around anyone that I wouldn't really consider a safe person. The feeling that people around me don't really want me there or that I'm a problem that they feel obligated to tolerate. Those are just horrible feelings. And I feel like those are feelings that I feel a lot when I get anxious. Sometimes you're going to convince yourself that no one could ever love you because of you. your anxiety. You will wonder if people would love you more if your anxiety looked a little different, if it didn't get in the way of plans, if you had less mood swings, if you had less emotions. Maybe no anxiety at all would be nice. You're going to meet people throughout your lifetime that want absolutely nothing to do with your anxiety. Literally nothing. Trust me. Your anxiety will scare them and they will distance themselves because of that. They will get frustrated with you. They will get impatient and sometimes they will get angry. They will roll their eyes at you when you say that you are anxious. They will tap their feet waiting for your panic attack to be over. And the blunt, honest truth of the situation is that there will be people in your life that are going to want nothing to do with you and your anxiety. They're going to hate it. And it sucks a lot, especially when it is something that you have no control over. But I'm here to remind you this. While there are people in your life that are going to hate your anxiety, there are also people in your life that are going to love you despite your anxiety. There are people in your life that are going to love you for exactly who you are, anxiety included. They're going to look past... all your anxious habits, thoughts, actions, and they're going to see you for the wonderful, beautiful, unique, strong person that you are. These are the people who are going to be there for you. They're going to be the people who will sit there and let you do your anxious thing with no judgment like Raneem did on that stair of the Florence Airbnb, just like Raneem did. There are going to be people who will wipe away your tears and hold your hand while your brain feels like it's on fire. They're going to lift you up off the grounds after vomiting in the courtyard, just like Raneem did. When I sat on that ground, traumatized in fear, beyond distressed. Raneem was there to smile through it, even when I couldn't do it for myself. She was the one that cleaned up my throw up, sat by me next to the toilet, stayed up with me until I stopped puking. And she even made me this weird little, it could make you vomit, but could also make you feel better drink. And she did it all without complaining. Not once. She never rolled her eyes, never tapped her toes, or never made a single comment about my anxiety. All she knows is that my anxiety is a part of me. It's a part of me that needs just as much compassion and patience as the rest of me. And because she loves me, loving me means being patient with my anxiety. And she is just one of those people that does it so well. I'm here to remind you that your anxiety is not a flaw. It is a strength and it is going to take a special person to see that. They might be hard to find at first, but I promise you they're out there. And when you find those people, you're going to appreciate them even more. Thanks for listening to today's episode of Stop Wasting Your Life. We hope that you are feeling motivated to take charge of your future and start living with purpose, intention, and authenticity. If you enjoyed today's conversation, be sure to leave us a good review. give us a follow and subscribe to our newsletter. For more information, go to www.stopwastingyourlifepodcast.com and we will see you next week.
