What am I Bringing to This? | Unseen Heroes Podcast

Description

In our 4th episode, we sit with Michelle and her husband Jerry as they share what is to come. There is a very scary, uncertain moment before we become caregivers: the moment when we know it's coming, but have no idea what it will actually look like. Michelle knows she will have to take care of her mom, but to what degree is still a mystery. Listen to them explore some very brave awareness and share how their past experiences might show up in this new situation, as they deep dive into the prompt: What am I Bringing to this?

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Hi everyone, and welcome to Unseen Heroes, a podcast by a caregiver for caregivers. My name is Aliette, and I am a coach and my mother's former caregiver. Each month, I invite caregivers to explore their experiences via a writing prompt, which they then read here in their own voice. Because when we truly hear one another,
Speaker #1
the isolation begins to lift, and we realize we are not alone.
Speaker #0
Hi everyone and welcome to the fourth episode of Unseen Heroes. Today I have Jerry and his lovely wife Michelle who are going to tell us a little bit about what they're going through. So Jerry, Michelle, you've been married for 34 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You live in the DC area.
Speaker #2
Yes.
Speaker #0
Michelle, you're one of three. You have two sisters. All of you are one year apart. And from what I understood from our conversation is your mother is in a state of decline.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
And you're both preparing for the very real possibility that she will be living with you, along with your sister.
Speaker #1
Right, my older sister.
Speaker #0
What does that mean in terms of preparation? What do you have to prepare for?
Speaker #1
Well, our house, we're so fortunate to... I bought a house recently that has basically two levels. You know, the entry level downstairs is at grade. And so it would just be to potentially put like a little kitchenette. And my older sister isn't a huge cook. My mother really enjoys cooking, but I can see how it has started to be a little bit more of a problem in terms of sometimes remembering things remembering to cook at all sometimes so we'll have to likely uh monitor that because i don't want her to struggle with cooking and i also don't want it to be dangerous so we'll see we'll see how a full kitchen or um you know when to prepare meals maybe it would be with us in time and jerry has
Speaker #0
ever been a caregiver before in your personal life?
Speaker #2
Not directly a caregiver. In terms of my family growing up, that was never a role I had to take. But there are definitely instances where you had to be the person to either get things done or to act independently due to, you know, a family that was somewhat highly dysfunctional and wasn't really focused on nurturing the kid, allowed that to grow while the adults were figuring out their own problems in life.
Speaker #0
Sounds like an 80s kid.
Speaker #2
Very much, very much so.
Speaker #0
And you also, both of you work full-time, correct? So you will be working full-time and preparing your home. to have your mother come and live with you and your sister. How old is mom?
Speaker #1
She is 85.
Speaker #0
And has your mom been diagnosed with any illness or do you just see the dementia coming?
Speaker #1
So we've seen it and she's actually, I doubt a part of it. She's like, my brain is not really, I can't remember these things. And she's recently forgotten to take her medicine. This is about a month. ago, maybe six weeks ago. You know, she didn't want anyone to touch her medicine. So she has like eight of them. And so she would prepare them all in her medical kind of organizer. However, one day she called and said she was really dizzy. She wasn't feeling well. So Jerry and I jumped in the car, got her to the emergency room, and we found out she hasn't been taking her medicine. No one could tell that that was the case because my older sister wasn't really monitoring that.
Speaker #0
You know, the reason I was very interested in what you're going through is because caregiving has so many stages and you're in the very beginning of, you know, you're going to be caregivers. You're just not in it yet. And that's a stage where a lot of people are in and you don't hear a lot of conversation around it. You hear the people that are in it. you hear the people that have gone through it have passed it But the scary bit right before where you're not sure how to navigate is also a space that needs to be heard.
Speaker #1
So she, I keep telling her that once she can get evaluated for her forgetfulness, that she, we could potentially get some supportive help. She doesn't want to be a burden, but she can be demanding. So there's like the flip side of that. And there's a lot of fear of what dementia is or what any of those cognitive medical diagnoses can be for someone. So she's afraid, I think.
Speaker #0
And there's an unknowable.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #2
Yeah. I think it's lack of control. I think she feels like a lack of control and not being able to be. fully present in there. And I think that compounds things because she is a very, you know, likes to control a lot of stuff.
Speaker #0
You know, Jerry, I love that you came on the podcast because we haven't had a male figure yet. And there are so many men that are doing this, that are supporting their wives, their mother-in-law, my husband did it. And I can't imagine. how scary it must be also for you because it's there are boundaries as well it's still your wife but it's your mother-in-law it's not your mother how are you feeling about the situation i mean i like it but it is what it is right i think you just have to accept the
Speaker #2
cards that are out there and understand that you know you can only control your reaction you can only control you know how you can
Speaker #0
uh help others so tell us what you wrote about the prompt is what am i bringing to this we bring past experience into new situations what are you bringing i'm going
Speaker #1
to start since um it's primarily about moving here and being thrown into my family very quickly. We moved back to DC in the summer of 2003 and by December 2004, my dad had passed away. We didn't know it at the time, but soon after moving, we saw a dramatic weight loss and within a few months he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. At the time, I was trying to get my immediate family situated. A new school for my girls, a new house, a new town without my closest friends nearby. My husband had also been recovering after a terrible car accident. I realized after the accident how much I shut down, how hard it was for me to take care of anything when feeling so well. and how anger took hold and left me empty. My dad had begun choking on food within a few months, and I took over by attending doctor's appointments, taking notes, asking questions, and took care of every little thing I could. After some radiation and chemo, he slowly lost his ability to eat, walk, and then talk. Every day, I would watch my mom take care of him in an old family home. She didn't like any outside help, and she believed she was the only one who could nurse him correctly. So she bathed him every day, fed him a liquid diet in his feeding tube. changed his diapers, attended to almost everything. My mom could be a very difficult person, but when he came to my table and taking care of him, she was selfless. It has been 22 years without my dad, and my mom is now 85. She has been very fortunate to have three daughters by her side. but a few years ago she suffered a mini stroke which has slowly diminished her cognitive abilities. For my part, I bring action. I am the person who is called when someone is needed. I am great with implementing a plan, jumping in the car to address any emergency, calling and working out problems with doctors and health insurance, managing medicine, and applying for various things on my mother's behalf. However, I find myself struggling with this new reality, with my mother's new health demands, and what is expected from me. I find it difficult to manage family crisis and work with the decision makers in my family. I struggle with the guilt I feel when I can't do something or when she's disappointed in me. I find myself getting angry often, which is an emotion that is very easy for me in times of stress. And often I find myself doubting if I will ever have the courage to be the caretaker that she Cheers. I need a money. limitations and my historical reactions to family house prices. And I'm forever grateful for my husband's help. He brings the kindness and patience that I often lack, especially when stressed. He is the selfless. He brings a different outlook and positivity. He lightens the mood and brings a smile. I am gifted with a partner. who is willing to take on the challenge and soften the hardship not just for me and my mom but everyone in the family beautiful absolutely beautiful jerry
Speaker #2
how do you feel after having heard it um well it's michelle's the best person i know um he holds herself to such a a standard she's looked at by so many people as you know uh just a great person a great friend always willing to listen um she's just you know the best yeah
Speaker #1
gosh that's exactly the opposite yeah again like i said i'm like the roads give me the plane and let me um I'm a fixer of problems along with a lot of conversation with Jerry on how to fix the problems. But in terms of settling the temperature, I'm just like, get it done. And I can't deal with the stress and the emotion. And Jerry is the one who's like, like you met with him. He's the one who brings the lighthearted fun. He knows the temperature and can. bring the joy while i just want the problem solved by doing and implementing but the world needs both yes yeah michelle's from one caregiver to a future caregiver it's also really hard when it's your mom yes
Speaker #0
so many layers yes my husband was way more patient with my mother than i was right I had layers of anger. Lots of anger.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Lots of guilt, but even more anger. I was angry at the disease. I was angry that my mother didn't get to age the way she wanted to. And I was angry I couldn't give that to her. And that took away patience.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So my advice, give yourself a little grace. Jerry?
Speaker #2
I bring a lifetime of problem solving and ability to focus on what needs to be done now and how to lighten the mood when people are stressing out. I think growing up in a highly dysfunctional family that unit prepares a person in many ways to handle family dynamics that are volatile and out of one's control. Looking to where you can make a difference. offering support where you can, and always keeping a smile. I know that there are many times when we feel helpless and not in control. The only thing that I have complete control of is what my response is going to be, how I'm going to react when things go down the negative way. I look to focus on what I say and how it can help get us through these difficult times. With the current situation with Michelle Swan, I'm focusing... on how I can help in a small, measurable ways. I mean, it has always had a very negative personality and never was one to provide thanks or gratitude. Keeping a positive attitude around her when you know it's not the same person is challenging, as she is now incredibly paranoid and less fun to be around. Not like she's ever brought some real joy sometimes in our lives, as she has had to say or do some things that are controversial. and or not nice it's just that's just who she was i continue to look at how i can provide and help in small ways i know that i cannot fix what is happening uh with uh amuse health but i can do things for her and her family to make them feel loved looking back on how i mean it was the primary caregiver for her husband when he was sick i admired how she would grind through the caretaking role to help Sal. She never complained. She was sure about healthcare workers that came and she never wanted to allow other people to do it. When he needed the help the most, it was something she delivered. It's something my father Never made for my mom when she was suffering. on her own mental illness and it's something i would never give to him i think michelle is um you know just terrific on taking the care be the role for the family uh her older sister is not able to help in a meaningful way and a younger sister is full of denial and that is um you know, and if there's anything even with Nona. I can only control my reaction to what happens next.
Speaker #0
That's a huge thing to control though. That's so many people struggle with. Understanding that we actually can control that. Did I hear correctly in your story that your mom had a mental illness and your dad didn't take care of her?
Speaker #2
Correct.
Speaker #0
So this is almost your opportunity to be able to take care of someone because you weren't in the position to do it when you were a kid.
Speaker #1
Right. Yeah.
Speaker #0
It's like a second chance.
Speaker #2
You know, it's nothing I ever went for, but it's just where we are.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
I don't think anyone wishes to be a caregiver.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
That is for sure. Michelle, how did you feel about listening to Jerry?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Everything coming out.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I mean, I think he, you know, he has seen an evolution with my mom. I think when we first got Miramid, it was my mom and my dad and they were always on vacation with us and enjoying time. And then my mom can sadly go to the negative. even when my dad was around. But it got accentuated a lot more when he passed. And so she probably would have really benefited from therapy and from a variety of things that, you know, had transpired in her life. And I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. but he saw the evolution the more negative she got and now what's interesting is lately I see gratitude I think she realizes and I do think sometimes her negativity or her was a crutch or a some kind of honor for What she was going through, you know, and. Because she sees the dependence on my older sister on myself on my younger sister on Jerry, you know, when you leave her house, she says, thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for working on the medicine and that on the. while it's still there is chipped away. And so we've seen a lot of different sides to my mom and he's been very, very gracious and. always trying so hard to make her happy.
Speaker #0
If looking at the situation that's pending.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
What scares you the most?
Speaker #1
Um, I think I get scared most, um, that she will really lose a lot of ability to recognize us to find joy. Um. I feel like I'm a little worried about how I, when I get stressed, I'm angry. I'm not a nice person. So I, I need to like. Bring me back down to, you know, like a commoner place. I worried it'll really stress us out.
Speaker #2
Yeah, I think not her. Losing the ability to recognize us, or to know what her surroundings are. I think that's. to me the most frightful thing because at least if we have that connection you know we can build off of that but if you don't have that it's i i you know whether she remembers a conversation a week ago a day ago that's you know different but if you can't remember the people that are in your close-knit family you know that really becomes hard for us to you know it just makes it even more challenging what do you what do you think could be some positives Maybe she becomes even more pleasant to be around or maybe she, you know, continues to cook and provide the joy that, you know, that people love and have known over the years. You know, her ability to share a meal, to, you know, bring happiness to people. I think that's what I'm hoping continues. She's changed,
Speaker #1
you know, like I said, the gratitude is there. Thanks. I wonder what my mom has, you know. I know one mom. I don't even know the mom I have now. I just don't know what my mom has.
Speaker #0
That's quite a statement. Beautifully put. 70% of caregivers are female. We, I don't want to say we sort of expect it, but it seems to feel like the norm. That we are the natural. caretakers or caregivers. What advice do you have for the men who are supporting these women?
Speaker #2
Well, I mean, I think you just have to love them and you have to recognize what you can do to help them through whatever the issue is and to know that, you know, it's got to be a partnership and teamwork in order to get you both through it. I think it's very hard for any one person to carry the burden alone. And I think, you know, it requires you have to be selfless and to be able to put yourself out there. And I think that's a challenge for a lot of people.
Speaker #1
Yeah, he always shows up.
Speaker #0
What else would you like to share with people who are in the same position you are, that are listening? that may be also thinking I may have to have my mom come and live with me. I don't know if I can do it.
Speaker #1
I think one thing that I feel is that you have to recognize that every emotion is valid. You don't have to be that person who takes it all and sings every day and is a martyr. that you can be angry and you can be mad and you could be frustrated. And you can want to walk away because that's your inclination, because you're upset that this whole scenario has interrupted and caused so much pain. But I feel like giving validity to the motion, whether it's good or bad, helps you find the solutions and helps you recognize that you are human too, that you don't have to be perfect in this. You know, that you're working on it the best you can.
Speaker #0
Well, I want to thank Michelle and Jerry for showing up today, for showing up for our listeners, for showing up for caregivers who don't even realize that they're caregivers yet and that are going to be caregivers for all the nuances that are out there. I thank you for sharing your story, your tears. your fears, and just sitting with us today.
Speaker #1
Thank you.
Speaker #0
Thank you. For those caregivers out there, we see you and we hear you. See you next month.
Speaker #2
Thank you for being a part of this growing community of Unseen Heroes. You can find us on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker #0
Spotify, and Deezer. every like every share every review makes a difference and means the world to us

Description

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Hi everyone, and welcome to Unseen Heroes, a podcast by a caregiver for caregivers. My name is Aliette, and I am a coach and my mother's former caregiver. Each month, I invite caregivers to explore their experiences via a writing prompt, which they then read here in their own voice. Because when we truly hear one another,
Speaker #1
the isolation begins to lift, and we realize we are not alone.
Speaker #0
Hi everyone and welcome to the fourth episode of Unseen Heroes. Today I have Jerry and his lovely wife Michelle who are going to tell us a little bit about what they're going through. So Jerry, Michelle, you've been married for 34 years.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You live in the DC area.
Speaker #2
Yes.
Speaker #0
Michelle, you're one of three. You have two sisters. All of you are one year apart. And from what I understood from our conversation is your mother is in a state of decline.
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
And you're both preparing for the very real possibility that she will be living with you, along with your sister.
Speaker #1
Right, my older sister.
Speaker #0
What does that mean in terms of preparation? What do you have to prepare for?
Speaker #1
Well, our house, we're so fortunate to... I bought a house recently that has basically two levels. You know, the entry level downstairs is at grade. And so it would just be to potentially put like a little kitchenette. And my older sister isn't a huge cook. My mother really enjoys cooking, but I can see how it has started to be a little bit more of a problem in terms of sometimes remembering things remembering to cook at all sometimes so we'll have to likely uh monitor that because i don't want her to struggle with cooking and i also don't want it to be dangerous so we'll see we'll see how a full kitchen or um you know when to prepare meals maybe it would be with us in time and jerry has
Speaker #0
ever been a caregiver before in your personal life?
Speaker #2
Not directly a caregiver. In terms of my family growing up, that was never a role I had to take. But there are definitely instances where you had to be the person to either get things done or to act independently due to, you know, a family that was somewhat highly dysfunctional and wasn't really focused on nurturing the kid, allowed that to grow while the adults were figuring out their own problems in life.
Speaker #0
Sounds like an 80s kid.
Speaker #2
Very much, very much so.
Speaker #0
And you also, both of you work full-time, correct? So you will be working full-time and preparing your home. to have your mother come and live with you and your sister. How old is mom?
Speaker #1
She is 85.
Speaker #0
And has your mom been diagnosed with any illness or do you just see the dementia coming?
Speaker #1
So we've seen it and she's actually, I doubt a part of it. She's like, my brain is not really, I can't remember these things. And she's recently forgotten to take her medicine. This is about a month. ago, maybe six weeks ago. You know, she didn't want anyone to touch her medicine. So she has like eight of them. And so she would prepare them all in her medical kind of organizer. However, one day she called and said she was really dizzy. She wasn't feeling well. So Jerry and I jumped in the car, got her to the emergency room, and we found out she hasn't been taking her medicine. No one could tell that that was the case because my older sister wasn't really monitoring that.
Speaker #0
You know, the reason I was very interested in what you're going through is because caregiving has so many stages and you're in the very beginning of, you know, you're going to be caregivers. You're just not in it yet. And that's a stage where a lot of people are in and you don't hear a lot of conversation around it. You hear the people that are in it. you hear the people that have gone through it have passed it But the scary bit right before where you're not sure how to navigate is also a space that needs to be heard.
Speaker #1
So she, I keep telling her that once she can get evaluated for her forgetfulness, that she, we could potentially get some supportive help. She doesn't want to be a burden, but she can be demanding. So there's like the flip side of that. And there's a lot of fear of what dementia is or what any of those cognitive medical diagnoses can be for someone. So she's afraid, I think.
Speaker #0
And there's an unknowable.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #2
Yeah. I think it's lack of control. I think she feels like a lack of control and not being able to be. fully present in there. And I think that compounds things because she is a very, you know, likes to control a lot of stuff.
Speaker #0
You know, Jerry, I love that you came on the podcast because we haven't had a male figure yet. And there are so many men that are doing this, that are supporting their wives, their mother-in-law, my husband did it. And I can't imagine. how scary it must be also for you because it's there are boundaries as well it's still your wife but it's your mother-in-law it's not your mother how are you feeling about the situation i mean i like it but it is what it is right i think you just have to accept the
Speaker #2
cards that are out there and understand that you know you can only control your reaction you can only control you know how you can
Speaker #0
uh help others so tell us what you wrote about the prompt is what am i bringing to this we bring past experience into new situations what are you bringing i'm going
Speaker #1
to start since um it's primarily about moving here and being thrown into my family very quickly. We moved back to DC in the summer of 2003 and by December 2004, my dad had passed away. We didn't know it at the time, but soon after moving, we saw a dramatic weight loss and within a few months he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. At the time, I was trying to get my immediate family situated. A new school for my girls, a new house, a new town without my closest friends nearby. My husband had also been recovering after a terrible car accident. I realized after the accident how much I shut down, how hard it was for me to take care of anything when feeling so well. and how anger took hold and left me empty. My dad had begun choking on food within a few months, and I took over by attending doctor's appointments, taking notes, asking questions, and took care of every little thing I could. After some radiation and chemo, he slowly lost his ability to eat, walk, and then talk. Every day, I would watch my mom take care of him in an old family home. She didn't like any outside help, and she believed she was the only one who could nurse him correctly. So she bathed him every day, fed him a liquid diet in his feeding tube. changed his diapers, attended to almost everything. My mom could be a very difficult person, but when he came to my table and taking care of him, she was selfless. It has been 22 years without my dad, and my mom is now 85. She has been very fortunate to have three daughters by her side. but a few years ago she suffered a mini stroke which has slowly diminished her cognitive abilities. For my part, I bring action. I am the person who is called when someone is needed. I am great with implementing a plan, jumping in the car to address any emergency, calling and working out problems with doctors and health insurance, managing medicine, and applying for various things on my mother's behalf. However, I find myself struggling with this new reality, with my mother's new health demands, and what is expected from me. I find it difficult to manage family crisis and work with the decision makers in my family. I struggle with the guilt I feel when I can't do something or when she's disappointed in me. I find myself getting angry often, which is an emotion that is very easy for me in times of stress. And often I find myself doubting if I will ever have the courage to be the caretaker that she Cheers. I need a money. limitations and my historical reactions to family house prices. And I'm forever grateful for my husband's help. He brings the kindness and patience that I often lack, especially when stressed. He is the selfless. He brings a different outlook and positivity. He lightens the mood and brings a smile. I am gifted with a partner. who is willing to take on the challenge and soften the hardship not just for me and my mom but everyone in the family beautiful absolutely beautiful jerry
Speaker #2
how do you feel after having heard it um well it's michelle's the best person i know um he holds herself to such a a standard she's looked at by so many people as you know uh just a great person a great friend always willing to listen um she's just you know the best yeah
Speaker #1
gosh that's exactly the opposite yeah again like i said i'm like the roads give me the plane and let me um I'm a fixer of problems along with a lot of conversation with Jerry on how to fix the problems. But in terms of settling the temperature, I'm just like, get it done. And I can't deal with the stress and the emotion. And Jerry is the one who's like, like you met with him. He's the one who brings the lighthearted fun. He knows the temperature and can. bring the joy while i just want the problem solved by doing and implementing but the world needs both yes yeah michelle's from one caregiver to a future caregiver it's also really hard when it's your mom yes
Speaker #0
so many layers yes my husband was way more patient with my mother than i was right I had layers of anger. Lots of anger.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Lots of guilt, but even more anger. I was angry at the disease. I was angry that my mother didn't get to age the way she wanted to. And I was angry I couldn't give that to her. And that took away patience.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So my advice, give yourself a little grace. Jerry?
Speaker #2
I bring a lifetime of problem solving and ability to focus on what needs to be done now and how to lighten the mood when people are stressing out. I think growing up in a highly dysfunctional family that unit prepares a person in many ways to handle family dynamics that are volatile and out of one's control. Looking to where you can make a difference. offering support where you can, and always keeping a smile. I know that there are many times when we feel helpless and not in control. The only thing that I have complete control of is what my response is going to be, how I'm going to react when things go down the negative way. I look to focus on what I say and how it can help get us through these difficult times. With the current situation with Michelle Swan, I'm focusing... on how I can help in a small, measurable ways. I mean, it has always had a very negative personality and never was one to provide thanks or gratitude. Keeping a positive attitude around her when you know it's not the same person is challenging, as she is now incredibly paranoid and less fun to be around. Not like she's ever brought some real joy sometimes in our lives, as she has had to say or do some things that are controversial. and or not nice it's just that's just who she was i continue to look at how i can provide and help in small ways i know that i cannot fix what is happening uh with uh amuse health but i can do things for her and her family to make them feel loved looking back on how i mean it was the primary caregiver for her husband when he was sick i admired how she would grind through the caretaking role to help Sal. She never complained. She was sure about healthcare workers that came and she never wanted to allow other people to do it. When he needed the help the most, it was something she delivered. It's something my father Never made for my mom when she was suffering. on her own mental illness and it's something i would never give to him i think michelle is um you know just terrific on taking the care be the role for the family uh her older sister is not able to help in a meaningful way and a younger sister is full of denial and that is um you know, and if there's anything even with Nona. I can only control my reaction to what happens next.
Speaker #0
That's a huge thing to control though. That's so many people struggle with. Understanding that we actually can control that. Did I hear correctly in your story that your mom had a mental illness and your dad didn't take care of her?
Speaker #2
Correct.
Speaker #0
So this is almost your opportunity to be able to take care of someone because you weren't in the position to do it when you were a kid.
Speaker #1
Right. Yeah.
Speaker #0
It's like a second chance.
Speaker #2
You know, it's nothing I ever went for, but it's just where we are.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
I don't think anyone wishes to be a caregiver.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
That is for sure. Michelle, how did you feel about listening to Jerry?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Everything coming out.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I mean, I think he, you know, he has seen an evolution with my mom. I think when we first got Miramid, it was my mom and my dad and they were always on vacation with us and enjoying time. And then my mom can sadly go to the negative. even when my dad was around. But it got accentuated a lot more when he passed. And so she probably would have really benefited from therapy and from a variety of things that, you know, had transpired in her life. And I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. but he saw the evolution the more negative she got and now what's interesting is lately I see gratitude I think she realizes and I do think sometimes her negativity or her was a crutch or a some kind of honor for What she was going through, you know, and. Because she sees the dependence on my older sister on myself on my younger sister on Jerry, you know, when you leave her house, she says, thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for working on the medicine and that on the. while it's still there is chipped away. And so we've seen a lot of different sides to my mom and he's been very, very gracious and. always trying so hard to make her happy.
Speaker #0
If looking at the situation that's pending.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
What scares you the most?
Speaker #1
Um, I think I get scared most, um, that she will really lose a lot of ability to recognize us to find joy. Um. I feel like I'm a little worried about how I, when I get stressed, I'm angry. I'm not a nice person. So I, I need to like. Bring me back down to, you know, like a commoner place. I worried it'll really stress us out.
Speaker #2
Yeah, I think not her. Losing the ability to recognize us, or to know what her surroundings are. I think that's. to me the most frightful thing because at least if we have that connection you know we can build off of that but if you don't have that it's i i you know whether she remembers a conversation a week ago a day ago that's you know different but if you can't remember the people that are in your close-knit family you know that really becomes hard for us to you know it just makes it even more challenging what do you what do you think could be some positives Maybe she becomes even more pleasant to be around or maybe she, you know, continues to cook and provide the joy that, you know, that people love and have known over the years. You know, her ability to share a meal, to, you know, bring happiness to people. I think that's what I'm hoping continues. She's changed,
Speaker #1
you know, like I said, the gratitude is there. Thanks. I wonder what my mom has, you know. I know one mom. I don't even know the mom I have now. I just don't know what my mom has.
Speaker #0
That's quite a statement. Beautifully put. 70% of caregivers are female. We, I don't want to say we sort of expect it, but it seems to feel like the norm. That we are the natural. caretakers or caregivers. What advice do you have for the men who are supporting these women?
Speaker #2
Well, I mean, I think you just have to love them and you have to recognize what you can do to help them through whatever the issue is and to know that, you know, it's got to be a partnership and teamwork in order to get you both through it. I think it's very hard for any one person to carry the burden alone. And I think, you know, it requires you have to be selfless and to be able to put yourself out there. And I think that's a challenge for a lot of people.
Speaker #1
Yeah, he always shows up.
Speaker #0
What else would you like to share with people who are in the same position you are, that are listening? that may be also thinking I may have to have my mom come and live with me. I don't know if I can do it.
Speaker #1
I think one thing that I feel is that you have to recognize that every emotion is valid. You don't have to be that person who takes it all and sings every day and is a martyr. that you can be angry and you can be mad and you could be frustrated. And you can want to walk away because that's your inclination, because you're upset that this whole scenario has interrupted and caused so much pain. But I feel like giving validity to the motion, whether it's good or bad, helps you find the solutions and helps you recognize that you are human too, that you don't have to be perfect in this. You know, that you're working on it the best you can.
Speaker #0
Well, I want to thank Michelle and Jerry for showing up today, for showing up for our listeners, for showing up for caregivers who don't even realize that they're caregivers yet and that are going to be caregivers for all the nuances that are out there. I thank you for sharing your story, your tears. your fears, and just sitting with us today.
Speaker #1
Thank you.
Speaker #0
Thank you. For those caregivers out there, we see you and we hear you. See you next month.
Speaker #2
Thank you for being a part of this growing community of Unseen Heroes. You can find us on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker #0
Spotify, and Deezer. every like every share every review makes a difference and means the world to us

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