Alive in Her | Breaking The Cycles

Description

In this powerful episode, Laziena sits down with Catalina, a psychotherapist and founder of Alive in Her!

The conversation centers on the epidemic of shame culture - how it's passed down through generations, leaving women feeling isolated, worthless, and silenced. Catalina shares how her movement provides a crucial global village where women can support each other, validate their feelings, and find connection.

Laziena gets vulnerable, sharing her personal journey of confronting her own generational trauma, healing toxic relationship patterns, and how she repaired her relationship with her kids.

--- Editor note: AHHH! Such an amazing episode, sad I missed out on this recording, but I know our next episode will be amazing. And yes Catalina I am so proud of my mom. Our family has been through so much, and healing our wounds allowed us to become closer. It's what sparked our initial thought to start up this podcast. I look forward to speaking with you further. Thank you for joining us on this episode!

Follow Catalina @ catalinapopoveniuc.com

#aliveinher

See ya on the next episode!

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Hello everyone, welcome back to Breaking the Cycles. I'm Laziena and my daughter Tasiyah is at work today so we're going to give her a little break but I have the pleasure of talking to Catalina who is from Romania. Hi Catalina.
Speaker #1
And regards to your daughter.
Speaker #0
Thank you very much. She's a little bit unavailable right now. Not in a bad way, but I don't know why I'm rambling. So we'll just leave it. She's going to edit this and she's going to hear me talk about this and she's going to cringe and she's going to be like, oh, mom.
Speaker #1
So she'll have to handle it by herself. I'm sure she trusted you that you would do a great job without her.
Speaker #0
Yes, that's what it is. So Tessie, I hope I'm making you proud. so Kathleen, it's so nice to meet you. I know we connected like last week and you were telling me all about your Alive in Her movement, which I find to be very empowering and right up my alley. So what do we like? Some of the things that I like to ask or one of the main thing I like to ask is what led you on that journey? I want to know more about your Alive in Her. I want to know all the things about it. I'm too excited. But I also want to know. What led you to that movement?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm very happy that you're part of it. Yeah, and I noticed a need on all the women because they were very lonely. They didn't have that global village, that community around them. And that is why I realized that they need the community. They need people around them. And for example, one offers a coaching session for free. and the other one offers makeup and so on. So the one who receives makeup can offer something else, you know, information about the financial things and so on. So actually today, a lot of people already wrote me and they offer to give things, they ask for things and so on.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah, so a lot of people already offer to do things. And I want it to be global, so everybody from around the globe can offer to... Poop, poop. Anybody. It could be a virtual coffee, let's say. I'm sorry,
Speaker #0
it could be a what?
Speaker #1
A coffee. I mean, somebody from America can drink a coffee with somebody from Romania.
Speaker #0
Oh,
Speaker #1
yeah. Can say I have half an hour to drink a coffee with somebody who really needs it today. Yeah. So they can connect through Zoom and have a coffee for 15 minutes or 30 and, you know, and so on. Another woman told me today that she can offer details about sites. And another one already starts her makeup business. So she really needs those information and so on. So the idea is women help each other and support each other. And this way they rise. Yeah,
Speaker #0
I love that. And of course,
Speaker #1
it's about empowering.
Speaker #0
Yeah, you know, I really love that. because for me, I... I recognize about like a year ago or so I was um I started to look at why I wasn't really connecting easily with women and it would be easy to be to be like okay it's the women's fault or whatever that is but I wanted to take a look and see why I couldn't like why I was having resistance with it or it just didn't feel like it was going the right way and one of the things that I realized is that I grew up witnessing my mom. And women in my culture being very self-abandoned in themselves, really not speaking their truth and just kind of hiding away and shying from their emotions. So I always thought my mom was like an amazing boss lady. Right. I love watching her in her. She would wear a blouse and a skirt and she would take her typewriter and she would go to typing school. And she took care of me and my brothers. as a single mom. And I thought she was very strong, but I didn't realize that it was like a little bit of judgment there about like, why can't you do more? You know? So I felt like that was the expectation that I was having towards women. So I made a commitment. I'm like, I'm going to embrace this. I'm going to put myself in a lot of situations with women and actually connect. And what I've learned is my softness. I've learned it. about devotion, about loyalty. I've sat with women's heart and where they are. And that judge, you know, that there was some work that I have some forgiveness work I needed to do so that I could see beyond the judgment. But after that, it felt clearer and I felt more connected to women than I did before. I feel more.
Speaker #1
And you are more compassionate probably.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. yeah it was it just took that journey to to see the things that I was judging in them was my own potential. Like my, you know, not seeing that I was capable just as much as they were. So do you have a moment where you realize that you were alive in you that started this, that sparked it all?
Speaker #1
Yeah, actually, because I work with women who are in toxic relationships, they told me that they don't have a voice yet, and they would like me to be their voice. No, it became because they told me, we want you to be their voice. We want to be our voice.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So they encouraged me to, you know, to be their voice.
Speaker #0
I like that. And I like the community that you're providing too, because I feel like oftentimes women just want, they want to be heard. And sometimes in conversation, I may, I may be saying, you know, today I'm going through something. And what I often get is, no, it's going to be okay. You'll be fine. But really and truly, I want to hear that. Yeah, I can relate to that. I've sat with that before. Yeah,
Speaker #1
or it's normal to feel this way. It's normal to, I don't know, to feel sad or whatever.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I was thinking actually your mother is the one who broke the cycle.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Your mother.
Speaker #0
I like to give her credit, definitely. You know, it was interesting growing up. My son showed me a documentary once, and it talked about all of the countries and the cultures around the countries, how some of us are blame-based and some of us are shame-based cultures.
Speaker #1
Shame-based, yeah.
Speaker #0
Yeah, so how that shows up in women and how it shows up in men. But not necessarily focusing on men, because men also have a shame-based culture as well in certain cultures. So I thought that that was really eye-opening to see that coming from an Indian background, I'm expected to be subservient. I'm expected to serve. And while I embrace that, because one of the most beautiful things to me... as a woman is making sure a man feels like a man and not taking that that away from him without silencing myself but it needs to come from the desire not because it's expected yeah not from obligation that's right yeah and once that's cleared out that feels to me much i don't know it feels softer it feels more genuine it feels more like a a partnership of you know Love. I even whether it's by partnership.
Speaker #1
Two equal people.
Speaker #0
Right. Yes. One's not where we are. We are walking together side by side. Yeah. So in Romania,
Speaker #1
we have a lot of shame.
Speaker #0
And,
Speaker #1
you know, that is why I'm thinking of people who will use this movement to go and just talk to somebody. I mean, if they are in a coffee shop and they are ashamed to talk to somebody and just hello.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
I would like to drink a coffee with me. but they can use the movement. They can say, hello, I was inspired by loving her movement and would you like me to drink a coffee with you? Yeah,
Speaker #0
I like that.
Speaker #1
Yeah, so I really hope that this shame will disappear in time.
Speaker #0
Why do you think there's such a high shame culture?
Speaker #1
Well, we were taught this way. We were raised this way. This is blood in our identity.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Parents and grandparents always told us, shame on you. Oh, you bring a lot of shame to the family and so on. What would people say and so on?
Speaker #0
Yeah. What would somebody be doing to bring shame on a family? Like what could possibly... Well, in Romania,
Speaker #1
a woman could do a lot of things.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
Speaker #1
We heard this very often.
Speaker #0
I think, and shame, it's so deep. really it it really says that i'm i'm bad i'm not good and yeah i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm worthless i disappoint everybody and so on yeah and people don't even talk with the partners about i don't know things yeah yeah and the ladies told me oh but i was ashamed to tell my partner about this or this yeah
Speaker #1
i've heard for many years so it's a Yeah, it's a shame all over the country.
Speaker #0
And it's amazing too, when people start talking about their shame, there's a saying in the community that I'm in, they say, shame hates its name. And the minute you talk about that shame, it just feels so releasing. It's like, I was ashamed of my entire being, being a person, much less just even contributing to society. It can be so heavy.
Speaker #1
Yeah, but we need to have courage to do this, to talk about our shame.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And people have this courage, actually, but they just need to know that they have their courage.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
They have this courage inside them and use it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I also feel like when there are some areas where people do have the courage and they are speaking up, but then on the other side of it, there's people, I don't want to say people, there's... expectations maybe is the right word yeah um to use that shame as a see you are bad like as a reinforcement or to punish like you share a shame but we're not looking at the vulnerability in that shame the courage in that shame what it actually means it ends up becoming it
Speaker #1
ends up becoming yeah yeah you are definitely right And for most of us, we had very toxic families.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
But now, you know, by thought of this movement, us being able to choose our global village ourselves. So, you know, only healthy people. We couldn't choose our family back then. So we really couldn't. But now we can choose and we can choose only healthy people.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So if it's a toxic people, you know, it won't remain a group.
Speaker #0
Isn't it crazy? Isn't it amazing that I apologize if I cut you off?
Speaker #1
No, no, no, please.
Speaker #0
I think it's amazing that no matter where we are in this, in earth, right? One of the things that seems to be common is that we all share the same feelings. We all are going through the same thing. It doesn't matter if we're in America, South America, Asia, we all have that. our families and friends can be toxic or we are in toxic situations we're all going through that abandonment not feeling seen not feeling heard and we don't know feeling understood noticed supported significant belonging and that's our core need we need to to be in community and we suffer alone in that silence instead of being able to feel safe enough to space speak our shame out loud and have someone say, I actually understand what that feels like instead of the judgment. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #1
And because we speak the same language all over the world. Yeah. That is why this global movement can bring people together.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Because it's important, you know, to validate our feelings and so on, because we feel the same.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
We can validate our feelings and validate the others. But because we understand each other, that is why it would be easy to understand and support each other.
Speaker #0
Yeah. How long have you been a psychotherapist?
Speaker #1
Well, I've been for quite years, for many years. And I work with people for almost 24 years.
Speaker #0
That's amazing.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's awesome.
Speaker #1
I like working with people.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
This movement came, you know, as something normal. After so many years of working with people.
Speaker #0
And I see whenever you talk about the movement, your face lights up immediately. Yeah,
Speaker #1
because I really believe it will help a lot of people. It's very needed and it will be very helpful and meaningful. And it's important to know that you are doing something meaningful.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Because it won't be, you know, about me, my name or anything like that. It's about the movement.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
I want to help many people, not to be, I don't know, a VIP or a well-known person. It's not about me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
That's why I'm very excited.
Speaker #0
Yeah. It's like it's just shining through you because it's fueled with purpose and it's driven. And it's purpose-driven. That's beautiful. How did you... I love the logo, by the way. I think the logo is so beautiful. How did you come up with that?
Speaker #1
Well, I was thinking about a woman who has femininity, but also is very, I don't know, strong.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
But in what way? You know, that combination of power and, I don't know, and that's exactly how I created it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. There was a while ago, a gentleman, he planted a seed, like he was telling me how he came up with his logo. And I started to think, I'm like... If I could come up with a logo, what would it be? And I started to play around with that idea. And I came up with, it's on my necklace.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
It's the golden girl with the crown and the heart on her cheek. And I was like, this is the embodiment of me. Like it really is, feels like me. It looks like me. It's like my meanness, so to speak. So I'm so, when I saw your logo, I loved it immediately because it's red. and um you know it made me feel it made me feel powerful but also the femininity in it i saw that yeah so a combination of this yeah so um when it came to um to um going into the psychotherapy field what um what inspired you on that was it like what was that i mean this was years ago you said but yeah yeah yeah because uh you know i had the skills
Speaker #1
And, you know, I was raised in a narcissistic family. So it's very easy. I was forced to read, you know, the emotions on people's face. So for me, it was, yeah, I had this skill.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Read, you know, people's emotions and so on.
Speaker #2
So it was a natural skill.
Speaker #1
Yeah, it was a natural skill. Actually, it was a natural because I was born with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah, I had to learn it. And so now it's very easy for me.
Speaker #0
Okay. How did you start setting boundaries? What are some ways you started to kind of break away from the noticing, like, I'm self-abandoned in here or I need to take care of me?
Speaker #1
Well, actually, I taught this. I had to do this because with some members of the family, I have zero contact now. I really had to learn to establish boundaries as a survival mechanism.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So I had to learn in the hard way, let's say. It was either that or, yeah, it was for survival.
Speaker #0
It's interesting because I feel like I've been on both sides, right? There's a time when I wasn't aware at all. And I didn't know the emotional labor it was taking for people to... deal with me in my space of unawareness. I, all I knew was I was always angry and I didn't like something. I would yell and scream and make it about the person. And then I'd get mad and I'd push them away and I'd go to my room or wherever. And I isolate for like four or five days. And then I would come back because now I feel better and I want to apologize for how I behave. But In that span of a week. Nobody felt safe. Nobody could talk to me. Nobody felt heard. Everyone felt dismissed. And these were my children and my ex-husband or family members. And sometimes when it was like family members or friends, it would take weeks and months to even, sometimes even years to reconnect. And then I would get mad again. And there was a time, there was a point when I looked at my kids and especially my oldest and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. And my ex-husband was like, I don't know how to help myself. I literally keep doing the same thing over and over. And I see the damage that it's done, that it's doing.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
But I was just that person. So when they started to tell me how it was affecting them, that's when my mindfulness started to kind of come in. But it... took me a while to even understand, like first understand my patterns, where they were coming from, what I was even feeling, how much I was feeling, but there was still a lot of blame. It took a lot of years to really take a look at myself and how am I showing up? How am I impacting the relationships of the people that I really love and care about? What is it that I'm doing, but it took a while. And so now that I've. I learned that I needed to name my feelings. I needed to release them. Journaling helps too, because why was I even so mad? Why was I even so mad that everybody needed to be punished? That was a big one. And I think sometimes we are not honest with people about how their behavior is affecting us. We shy away, we pull away and we don't say anything. And that might be that opportunity that person needs to say, oh, I'm not doing right by the people that I love and care about. I, you know, there's some adjustments that I can make. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah. But they were probably confused.
Speaker #0
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker #1
They didn't understand, okay, why did I do it wrong?
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
How can I change this? Yeah. And what helped you to heal or to solve this?
Speaker #0
A lot of things helped me. One of the things was I saw I started seeing a therapist and thank you for asking. One of the I was seeing a therapist and she introduced me to the victim triangle. But the way at the time, what I needed was to understand how that was playing out in my household. And I saw that I was a persecutor on that victim triangle. Everybody else was the victim and the rescuer and I was feeling blamed. what I understood later on is that I can be at any point and even even if I'm the persecutor that's still me being the victim yeah yeah yeah and making them the persecutor so it was you know it was it was a little I it was eye-opening so I started doing that then I joined a women empowerment group and well to to um I think your your question was what helped me it was also When my family life broke up and I saw the abuse that was happening, the sexual trauma my daughter was going through, I looked at my life and I was, I think, 38 at the time. And I'm a single mom with three kids. And I'm like, wait, this is my mom's life. This is, I'm that the awareness of like, holy crap, there's some generational trauma. I started looking into that. So the victim triangle one started first. Then I realized the generational trauma by witnessing what was happening to my family. And I was like, well, how did I participate in that? Like what, what happened here? I needed to understand.
Speaker #1
So I was going to change this to break the cycle.
Speaker #0
Yes. Yeah. So when I was, um, I was doing this women empowerment group and we took the attachment style test and it was a printout. I didn't know about the attachment styles or anything like that. And I'm reading this and it was worded towards partners. And I was like, but this doesn't seem like it's just partners. These are questions about childhood. And I was like, what did I do to my children? I was like, no, no, no. As I'm answering the question for myself, I was like, but I'm the parent who did that to my child. So I went home and I took the quiz and I remade it myself. like I just Well, as every made it, I changed the word romantic partners into caregivers. And I was like, I made all of my children take it. I was like, I need to understand what I did, you know, what my part was. So that was really eye opening, because understanding that from zero to three is when our attachment starts to our caregivers. So my children grew up with a very authoritarian mother, I was very yelly, very verbally like angry, angry, yes. So that alone was like, my children couldn't possibly have learned secure attachment because of this.
Speaker #1
And then I learned that they couldn't feel safe.
Speaker #0
Right. And so my oldest daughter felt the pressure. She needed to be an adult and understood what an adult, like she needed to understand how to function as a child and being an adult mentality because that was the pressure that I was putting on her.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So. When I thought about that, so in the studies, it said, well, by age seven, if we are not healed, our children have now, we've passed the baton on to them. And I witnessed that happen. So it was like, oh, my gosh, the studies are real. By age seven, our limiting belief is already in there. We become teenagers and we just form our protection. And that's who's going out into the world. We were never like, and I don't blame my mom. I did. subconsciously blame her so I do I did a lot of um I went sorry I'm getting a little yeah um so after being just understanding the attachment style how it affected my kids I was also introduced to an inner child workshop and that is where I really saw how my inner child was behaving it was coming out in my in my feelings um time. My feelings were telling me I had unmet needs. I didn't know what unmet needs were. So I had subconsciously believed that my dad didn't want me. So I expected everybody else isn't going to want me. And I behaved in that way from that place because it's kind of like, why don't you want me? Or it's either in desperation or in anger. And that's kind of how it came out. So that made me realize a lot. So I just kept working on myself. But then I had the awareness and I was like, okay, so when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm overwhelmed or when I'm frustrated, I behave this way, but what's underneath it? And then another therapist was like, well, you're not asking for your needs to be met. And I was like, well, what the heck is that? What do you mean? So he said, okay, start with your love language. and I was like well my love language and I I go deep dive into things and My top two love languages, physical touch and quality time. But it was deeper than that. It wasn't that I love to be hugged and cuddled. I felt comforted. I felt loved. I felt peaceful. I felt connected and cared about. And for the quality time, it wasn't just about sitting there with me, spending time with me. It was... me feeling included me feeling belong important yes me feeling significant somebody of value so worthy of love and attention and yes i'm sorry i don't mean to interrupt as you're yeah yeah
Speaker #1
so not just to stay with somebody to have time with somebody but to receive all this yes like and it was deeper than that so once i started to learn that i also realized that i needed to give that to myself because
Speaker #0
I'm there's a little girl inside of me who never got it and I'm I'm expecting other people to give that to me without them even knowing what my emotion they know how many of us even know what our very own emotional needs are no we don't know so we can't ask for this yeah and I I found that that was the biggest issues that I was having in romantic relationship is I don't know what my needs are and I'm expecting a whole other person to meet them and when they don't meet them I'm punish them for it as well because you need to meet my needs and that was not that was not okay they can't read them you know and and that kind of and that also by by doing that work within me it started to make me realize that I am a word I am worthy of love I am deserving of love it doesn't mean that I might my father didn't love me we were not taught how to be in healthy relationship we were raised based on survival and I feel like in some cultures the old we're all were raised by our oldest siblings anyways you know and so it just made me start looking at my parents life my life and my children's lives and that was the biggest thing for me was looking at at how I was affecting them and what we can do to not to change it how do we do it differently and that's where breaking the cycle also came from because we can now choose it's one thing to have the awareness it's another now we need to go and heal those moments actually I like to call it um I like to say we're not mopping up the water the the leaks anymore we're going straight to the pipe where in my childhood did I feel abandoned and adding love to that moment reparenting it And look, that gives me an opportunity to look like my dad. It's not that he didn't want me. My dad was murdered when he was 31. He didn't have work and electricity until he was maybe in his 20s. He didn't have the emotional capacity because he didn't know what that was. And my grandparents, they're my heroes. They did the best that they could. So it's like, you know, it doesn't mean that situations were OK or an excuse. But I can't. acknowledging that I didn't get what I needed. And now I have the choice to give them give myself that and not blame others, and taking full responsibility and accountability for how I show up. And I choose to show up empowered, I choose to show up alive, I choose to show up with reverence, with heart, with, with the lens of love. And my favorite question to ask myself is, what would love do in any situation? would love do love would want community love will want to sit with someone's heart love would want to offer compassion and just just heart language you know love wouldn't say you're doing it wrong love would say how can you do it how can you do it differently what support do you need to do it differently yeah how can I help you to do this differently yeah do you even need help to do it yeah People go, what the hell?
Speaker #1
Yeah, you are right. Not all.
Speaker #0
Yeah,
Speaker #1
you're right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So that's, that's how I, you know, learn to learn to step out of a lot of limiting beliefs. That was another thing that I didn't know, like, learning about shadow work and limiting beliefs.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
those are all very important. I most recently realized that our anytime we have limiting money beliefs, or money issues, that's our father wound, because our fathers are protectors and nurturers and I feel like I'm talking a whole lot.
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's okay. Are your children proud of you that you, you know, broke the cycles?
Speaker #0
Oh, yes, they are. I get, I love my relationship with them. I absolutely love my relationship with them. I feel, I can feel that they're proud of me whenever they hear me on a podcast or I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to a networking event. They're like, oh, you're going to a networking event. And that's our mother yes and in so many ways especially my little girl she's like you know um i really well all three of them um but my little girl sometimes i love when she says it and my oldest daughter too i would love for you to meet her um they always i don't know they they say that i set the bar for oh very high now Yeah.
Speaker #1
Oh.
Speaker #0
They say because they witnessed me. They witnessed the struggle. They witnessed the version, different versions of me. And I've had those deep conversations with them where I took ownership of how I showed up for them and commitment to do it differently. And when it doesn't work, we'll try again. Like our relationship isn't perfect, but it's perfect because it's not perfect. We have the emotional safety to I can be mad at them. But the mad is just an emotion for right now because of a thought. Maybe I feel taken advantage of and my anger will be there. It doesn't mean that I'm going to yell at them or anything. I can communicate that I'm feeling very upset right now. Do you have the space to hear it? If you don't, then it's different when you're just... And I didn't know that I was doing this to someone myself. I would get mad and just be like, but I know, and that makes you, that makes me or that person feel attacked instead of a calmer version of that conversation. I'm feeling upset and I need a space to feel upset and whatever I'm upset about to not be held against me, just let me have this, this moment to get it out. And I allow my children to do that too. Like if they need to get that anger out or the sadness out, whatever they need, they can. I'm not going to fix it. I'm not going to defend myself. I'm going to listen to them because their experience matter what they're going through.
Speaker #1
And their experience is valid and their feelings are valid.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So they are upset for something you did. They are upset.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. So it was, you know, it was it's it's a beautiful repair. And that's what that's actually how I wrote the book, The Relationship Repair Language. Because of my relationship with them, how we've come together. And it was most maybe last year or so, I actually realized how our nervous system, I realized how dysregulated our nervous system was in the first place. So for me, my nervous system, whenever I'm angry or sad, whatever the high emotions, it's because that energy was still stuck in my body. And it was never released. So now it's more like slowing down and giving myself that chance to breathe. When someone gives me a compliment, actually receive it. Yeah,
Speaker #1
actually accept it and receive it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I was with a coach and she was doing mindset training with me. And she was like, I was telling her about my life. And at that time, it just felt very hard. And she was like, look at how... capable you are I think that was the first time I've ever heard someone say look at how capable you are and I'm sure many people have said it that was the first time you didn't believe it yes that was the first time when I was like oh this this I am capable and you know the like just relearning the negative self-talk the where it's coming from whose voice it is, not even anything that belongs to me or who I am as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as a daughter, as a whole individual. So it was quite a journey. And I think a lot of people talk about, you know, well, don't do this or you have to do it this way or you have to do it that way. But what's really needed is that community that if I'm having a hard night or a hard day, I can call a sister.
Speaker #1
Somebody there to pick me up. Yeah. Somebody there to support me.
Speaker #0
Yes. It's just like, hey, I'm feeling sad. I just need to cry. And even if they're on the phone and I'm crying. It feels like I'm just in there and we're hugging and we're watching like a TV show or something. That's and and I think that's what I love about your Alive and Her movement, because we're you're offering that to everybody globally. You do not have to feel alone. And I think that's true. It's amazing how many of us are not actually alone.
Speaker #1
Yeah, we feel very lonely.
Speaker #0
Yeah. It's that shame that makes us feel like we, you know. um but for your children it's important that they've seen that you repair everything yeah and that you are okay now so it's important to see oh that it's possible yeah and being present too being present with this is how I used to behave and sometimes it can still come up but I'm mindful I'm intentional I'm choosing to do it differently and I'm I'm very present with them with where they are So if they were to come to me and share a shame or something, they're upset with me. It's not my instinct to just defend anymore or try to fix it for them. My instinct now is to sit there and hold their hands and tell me more. Tell me what else, you know.
Speaker #1
It's a very big difference.
Speaker #0
Yeah, yeah. And ask them also, how would you like to feel supported? Because I'm a mama bear. I will like. You know, so it's important for me to not just be like, and get and get on their bandwagon and hype them because that's not what they need. And sometimes they do. Sometimes they want me to be mad on their behalf, not to act on it, but like they want to, they want to feel like whatever they're experiencing is not they're not crazy for it. They have a valid reason for feeling that way. Yeah,
Speaker #1
it's normal because it's their feeling.
Speaker #0
yeah and it's like how many of us um are how many of us parents and this is not in shame or anything like that but how many of us parents we have to go to work we come home we cook dinner clean yeah pick up drop off like i'm a single parent i am the primary caregiver so i am the one who you know take them to the doctor's appointment make sure they're doing well in school like it's all these different um parts of responsibilities let's say right so all of us all over the world have children we have responsibilities how many of us are saying okay let's take a moment sit down hold hold each other's hands like how are you doing today how was your day you know or even my kids they can tell like if i'm stressed out and it's not their responsibility but Before, when I wasn't aware of how I was behaving, they would take that personally and it would mean that they're not important. Now we're integrated. We have the difficult conversations. We have the conversation that said, how can I show up better for you? And I will let them know whenever I'm stressed out, it most likely means that I'm more in my masculine energy and I want to feel taken care of. My shoulder starts hurting. My tailbone starts hurting. Also,
Speaker #1
your body really tells you this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And when that starts happening, that's the moment to be like, okay, I need to take some self-care. And if I don't, I start to get irritable. And, you know, sometimes my daughter will be like, mom, I don't know what your inner teen needs, but she's a little sassy right now. We are recognizing the need behind the behavior. It's not just the behavior. and they We get stuck in that. Well, you're behaving this way. You're behaving. It's what's beyond that. What is needed? What do you need? What do we need? And just being in community with them, like seeing them, seeing their growth and being able to do that. I get to see my daughters process their own limiting beliefs, their own parental wounds. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and their own fears.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And it's okay if they've had... that plenty of memories where I've scared them or I've yelled at them and I made them feel small or whatever that case is I open up the space that we can talk about that and I don't have to feel ashamed of it they know that I've taken accountability we have that communication where I can hear you I can hear you and validate that and sometimes they don't need me to do anything they just need me to hear that this is how that affected them yeah you know just being in better better relationship with each other so I think I over answered everything this is supposed to be no no no no you it was a good journey for you yes yeah yeah I would say I know that I know that I have a lot more to learn and a lot more to grow I embrace that whatever whatever comes I'm open-hearted and I I'm going to look at it and see what the growth opportunity is. And if I need to react, I need to react. But I'm consciously choosing my reaction. I'm constantly choosing, you know, the life that I want to create. I'm being intentional with it.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So it's possible, you know, for people to heal.
Speaker #0
Yes, absolutely. And we heal in community. We heal with each other. We heal in being able to sit down and have. the coffees and you know the zoom calls or whatever whatever that looks like yeah or just to know that somebody is there for you yeah absolutely yeah i mean even though you don't ask for help but just to know that somebody there for you yeah to be met to be met to meet each other where we are without judgment without shaming um just to sit and say you're welcome here exactly as you are Because whatever it is that you're going through, you need to go through it. And I don't want to rob you of that growth, but you don't have to do it alone. We're in it together.
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly the message. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very important for all of us to know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And to feel this,
Speaker #0
of course. Yeah.
Speaker #1
And to feel this, that we have this community around us.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
It's important, you know, to feel this community. And I'm looking forward to meeting your daughter. Oh,
Speaker #0
yes.
Speaker #1
So let's do this again. So I can also meet your daughter.
Speaker #0
Yes, please do. I know I have you on again. I'll have you on another podcast coming up. Yeah,
Speaker #1
we reschedule it.
Speaker #0
We reschedule that one. But yeah, I'd love to have you on again and share your message. Bring more people on too. Let's have a group.
Speaker #1
Can I ask your daughter if she's proud of you?
Speaker #0
I mean when I meet her yes actually you can ask her right because she's going to be the one that's editing this so she can leave a comment yeah proud of my mom yes I do feel it um I can feel that she's proud of me and I'm so proud of her too I get to see her grow she's been through a lot and she's 24 now to see that there was a time in her teenage years we weren't even talking And I just knew that that was a relationship that I wasn't willing to lose. And I was like, it's up to me to show up for her as healthily as possible. And it took a while because there was a time when I was parenting from guilt. And that was hard for her because I'm parenting because I need her to forgive me. And I feel bad for her. So I'm like. oh look at all of them doing this and i'm doing this and it's not being received and it's like you're not receiving what i'm giving you and it felt it felt like pressure to her like she had to accept what i was giving her instead of like you know once i once i forgave that part of me i no longer parented from guilt i felt what i was doing was the right thing and it was more than good enough and it's what she deserves as a parent to be present with her and steady with her and being consistent and just show up with love and um being able to see her move from um a very toxic relationship where she was abandoned in herself to seeing her now using her voice being uh being a woman you know she's not a she's my daughter i'm always gonna tell her she's my daughter my baby girl but She's a woman, like a full grown woman. She's aware. I love her awareness. She's got a lot of internal fire and she's very present. She's a person that I can talk to just about anything. So I'm going to need to relieve her of that duty and get more friends. Yeah.
Speaker #1
It's an important message that you, you know, rebuild the relation with her. so you fought this relation and you rebuilt it yeah because she's absolutely important for all the parents who go through this to know that it's possible yeah and give up on their children and the relationship with them yeah yeah and it's it's
Speaker #0
three it's three kids i have two um two they're twins they're gonna be 17 soon and um It was important to rebuild that relationship too. You know, they were about 11 when everything happened in our family. So our family broke up and now their sister was gone. Their father was gone. It was just me and them. And it was a little bit of a struggle. And we did it together. I feel like I was present with them throughout it all. And I could feel their appreciation for it. I'm so thankful that, you know, they also have... been going to the inner child workshop so it's we have we're speaking the same language so to speak the same emotional language and taking care of us individually and doing it together as a family yeah
Speaker #1
so everybody received healing yeah yeah and that is why your relationship is so good now so it's important for everybody to understand that if every member of the family receive healing or receive, you know.
Speaker #0
love and so on for therapy the family will work yeah yeah it's very important it's and it's hard because there's there's families that don't have that there's one person who's doing it and they have to then they carry the emotional labor but they still have to take accountability for how they're showing up and the others don't want to do the work yeah and it's like which is very sad Yeah,
Speaker #1
so it's like now I know a lot of families like this.
Speaker #0
Yeah, I think it's the word like, you know, narcissist, I think it's gets used a lot, a lot more. And sometimes it can be for me, it can be a little triggering, not in a negative way, so to speak, because I felt like I was a narcissist before and I didn't have the tools or I just didn't know. And once I found out I was able to change. But I'm also glad that there's people all over the world who are paying attention to these words. Now I hear a lot more inner child healing. People are having more understanding of the victim triangle, limiting belief, shadow work. I like that people are really looking and see what they need to heal and not looking for the world to heal them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And people, you know, go to therapy and so on.
Speaker #0
yeah yeah it's it's good like we're i've i love seeing that i i don't think i don't i know that it was it's always been around and it's always been there healing has always been there um but not to the degree that i'm seeing it in the world now and and it takes women like you and me and men who are doing their work the people who are really invested in doing the work to show up and and continue to to be the light yeah and it's important to know like in your case that therapy really works yeah it does and and i understand why some for some people it doesn't work because nobody there's these labels and there's these this is how you behave this is how you are but and in the root of it it's we never learned what our emotional needs were we never learned and regulate our nervous system. Our nervous system has been tied up in fear or flight or fight or fawn and it's it was attached it's attached to a lot of limiting beliefs it's attached to a lot of childhood experiences that were never acknowledged they were never witnessed it was just like oh well you behave that way or just you know it's just like well my mom maybe didn't you know she hit me a lot or you know or she did this but everybody that happens to everybody instead of like No, you had a need in that moment. Maybe you were excited about something and you got hit. And that hit told you that joy was no longer safe. It doesn't mean that your mom is a terrible person. It just means that you didn't have your needs met in that moment. Or you had a report card and because you didn't get an A, you got a C. And that felt disappointing. And you made that mean that I wasn't good enough. and or that you are worthless right and mom maybe want best her intention is that i want you to be you know have a better life than i did i want to have a smarter and to have a great life yeah but it comes off as like oh i'm not good enough and that's worth acknowledging focusing on mom not meaning it that doesn't that's fine but we're not taking that time to say oh but you were worth it in that moment and you had every right to feel that way and we can add love to that you know so and though you are worth it now and so on yeah exactly
Speaker #1
Yeah, but usually people with that belief need a lot of proof that they are worthy.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Because they are so sure that they are not worthy.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Well, so before we wrap up, and I have to say goodbye to you because you are in Romania. Yeah,
Speaker #1
but we will meet again, don't worry. Oh,
Speaker #0
absolutely. Absolutely. Is there anything that you want? You know, what's your message of the day for anyone that's listening to this?
Speaker #1
Well, uh... I know people can contact us, follow our moves and be part of it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And if anyone wants...
Speaker #1
And we can all, you know, you can all make a better world for us. Yes,
Speaker #0
we can.
Speaker #1
Children, grandchildren and so on.
Speaker #0
How can people learn more about the Alive in Her movement?
Speaker #1
Well, they can look for the Facebook page and I have details there.
Speaker #0
Okay. And of course,
Speaker #1
they can contact me or they can contact you.
Speaker #0
Yes. okay yeah but it's important they want to be part of it and yeah yeah and together we can do great things yes i would love to have a coffee date with someone in i don't know different parts of the world all the major cities just to kind of get
Speaker #1
to great but i will let you on the group and you can say this oh great yeah yeah i will let it right now and you can say this the group is named Alive in Her and has people
Speaker #0
all over the world so you can say that you have you can have a coffee with somebody that's great yeah yeah okay see you next time and say hello to your daughter for me yes thank you and if anybody's listening to this if anything that we share resonate or you want to contact catalina or myself um you can go to lazina.com and you'll get in touch with me and i'll put catalina's information in the show notes And we'll look forward to hearing from you. You want to be a guest? Come on over. As you can see, I'm going global. And Catalina, if you know anyone who would like to have conversations with us, bring them on too.
Speaker #1
Okay. But you may also write this message on the group.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Who would like to come.
Speaker #0
Yes. Oh, great. My calendar is going to be booked now. yeah well that's a good thing yeah well thank you so much for having conversations with me and it was very nice we'll make sure we keep on spreading the message and being like yeah have a lovely sunday you as well

Description

In this powerful episode, Laziena sits down with Catalina, a psychotherapist and founder of Alive in Her!

Laziena gets vulnerable, sharing her personal journey of confronting her own generational trauma, healing toxic relationship patterns, and how she repaired her relationship with her kids.

Follow Catalina @ catalinapopoveniuc.com

#aliveinher

See ya on the next episode!

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Hello everyone, welcome back to Breaking the Cycles. I'm Laziena and my daughter Tasiyah is at work today so we're going to give her a little break but I have the pleasure of talking to Catalina who is from Romania. Hi Catalina.
Speaker #1
And regards to your daughter.
Speaker #0
Thank you very much. She's a little bit unavailable right now. Not in a bad way, but I don't know why I'm rambling. So we'll just leave it. She's going to edit this and she's going to hear me talk about this and she's going to cringe and she's going to be like, oh, mom.
Speaker #1
So she'll have to handle it by herself. I'm sure she trusted you that you would do a great job without her.
Speaker #0
Yes, that's what it is. So Tessie, I hope I'm making you proud. so Kathleen, it's so nice to meet you. I know we connected like last week and you were telling me all about your Alive in Her movement, which I find to be very empowering and right up my alley. So what do we like? Some of the things that I like to ask or one of the main thing I like to ask is what led you on that journey? I want to know more about your Alive in Her. I want to know all the things about it. I'm too excited. But I also want to know. What led you to that movement?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm very happy that you're part of it. Yeah, and I noticed a need on all the women because they were very lonely. They didn't have that global village, that community around them. And that is why I realized that they need the community. They need people around them. And for example, one offers a coaching session for free. and the other one offers makeup and so on. So the one who receives makeup can offer something else, you know, information about the financial things and so on. So actually today, a lot of people already wrote me and they offer to give things, they ask for things and so on.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah, so a lot of people already offer to do things. And I want it to be global, so everybody from around the globe can offer to... Poop, poop. Anybody. It could be a virtual coffee, let's say. I'm sorry,
Speaker #0
it could be a what?
Speaker #1
A coffee. I mean, somebody from America can drink a coffee with somebody from Romania.
Speaker #0
Oh,
Speaker #1
yeah. Can say I have half an hour to drink a coffee with somebody who really needs it today. Yeah. So they can connect through Zoom and have a coffee for 15 minutes or 30 and, you know, and so on. Another woman told me today that she can offer details about sites. And another one already starts her makeup business. So she really needs those information and so on. So the idea is women help each other and support each other. And this way they rise. Yeah,
Speaker #0
I love that. And of course,
Speaker #1
it's about empowering.
Speaker #0
Yeah, you know, I really love that. because for me, I... I recognize about like a year ago or so I was um I started to look at why I wasn't really connecting easily with women and it would be easy to be to be like okay it's the women's fault or whatever that is but I wanted to take a look and see why I couldn't like why I was having resistance with it or it just didn't feel like it was going the right way and one of the things that I realized is that I grew up witnessing my mom. And women in my culture being very self-abandoned in themselves, really not speaking their truth and just kind of hiding away and shying from their emotions. So I always thought my mom was like an amazing boss lady. Right. I love watching her in her. She would wear a blouse and a skirt and she would take her typewriter and she would go to typing school. And she took care of me and my brothers. as a single mom. And I thought she was very strong, but I didn't realize that it was like a little bit of judgment there about like, why can't you do more? You know? So I felt like that was the expectation that I was having towards women. So I made a commitment. I'm like, I'm going to embrace this. I'm going to put myself in a lot of situations with women and actually connect. And what I've learned is my softness. I've learned it. about devotion, about loyalty. I've sat with women's heart and where they are. And that judge, you know, that there was some work that I have some forgiveness work I needed to do so that I could see beyond the judgment. But after that, it felt clearer and I felt more connected to women than I did before. I feel more.
Speaker #1
And you are more compassionate probably.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. yeah it was it just took that journey to to see the things that I was judging in them was my own potential. Like my, you know, not seeing that I was capable just as much as they were. So do you have a moment where you realize that you were alive in you that started this, that sparked it all?
Speaker #1
Yeah, actually, because I work with women who are in toxic relationships, they told me that they don't have a voice yet, and they would like me to be their voice. No, it became because they told me, we want you to be their voice. We want to be our voice.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So they encouraged me to, you know, to be their voice.
Speaker #0
I like that. And I like the community that you're providing too, because I feel like oftentimes women just want, they want to be heard. And sometimes in conversation, I may, I may be saying, you know, today I'm going through something. And what I often get is, no, it's going to be okay. You'll be fine. But really and truly, I want to hear that. Yeah, I can relate to that. I've sat with that before. Yeah,
Speaker #1
or it's normal to feel this way. It's normal to, I don't know, to feel sad or whatever.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I was thinking actually your mother is the one who broke the cycle.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Your mother.
Speaker #0
I like to give her credit, definitely. You know, it was interesting growing up. My son showed me a documentary once, and it talked about all of the countries and the cultures around the countries, how some of us are blame-based and some of us are shame-based cultures.
Speaker #1
Shame-based, yeah.
Speaker #0
Yeah, so how that shows up in women and how it shows up in men. But not necessarily focusing on men, because men also have a shame-based culture as well in certain cultures. So I thought that that was really eye-opening to see that coming from an Indian background, I'm expected to be subservient. I'm expected to serve. And while I embrace that, because one of the most beautiful things to me... as a woman is making sure a man feels like a man and not taking that that away from him without silencing myself but it needs to come from the desire not because it's expected yeah not from obligation that's right yeah and once that's cleared out that feels to me much i don't know it feels softer it feels more genuine it feels more like a a partnership of you know Love. I even whether it's by partnership.
Speaker #1
Two equal people.
Speaker #0
Right. Yes. One's not where we are. We are walking together side by side. Yeah. So in Romania,
Speaker #1
we have a lot of shame.
Speaker #0
And,
Speaker #1
you know, that is why I'm thinking of people who will use this movement to go and just talk to somebody. I mean, if they are in a coffee shop and they are ashamed to talk to somebody and just hello.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
I would like to drink a coffee with me. but they can use the movement. They can say, hello, I was inspired by loving her movement and would you like me to drink a coffee with you? Yeah,
Speaker #0
I like that.
Speaker #1
Yeah, so I really hope that this shame will disappear in time.
Speaker #0
Why do you think there's such a high shame culture?
Speaker #1
Well, we were taught this way. We were raised this way. This is blood in our identity.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Parents and grandparents always told us, shame on you. Oh, you bring a lot of shame to the family and so on. What would people say and so on?
Speaker #0
Yeah. What would somebody be doing to bring shame on a family? Like what could possibly... Well, in Romania,
Speaker #1
a woman could do a lot of things.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Oh. Yeah.
Speaker #1
We heard this very often.
Speaker #0
I think, and shame, it's so deep. really it it really says that i'm i'm bad i'm not good and yeah i'm a bad person i'm a bad person i'm worthless i disappoint everybody and so on yeah and people don't even talk with the partners about i don't know things yeah yeah and the ladies told me oh but i was ashamed to tell my partner about this or this yeah
Speaker #1
i've heard for many years so it's a Yeah, it's a shame all over the country.
Speaker #0
And it's amazing too, when people start talking about their shame, there's a saying in the community that I'm in, they say, shame hates its name. And the minute you talk about that shame, it just feels so releasing. It's like, I was ashamed of my entire being, being a person, much less just even contributing to society. It can be so heavy.
Speaker #1
Yeah, but we need to have courage to do this, to talk about our shame.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And people have this courage, actually, but they just need to know that they have their courage.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
They have this courage inside them and use it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I also feel like when there are some areas where people do have the courage and they are speaking up, but then on the other side of it, there's people, I don't want to say people, there's... expectations maybe is the right word yeah um to use that shame as a see you are bad like as a reinforcement or to punish like you share a shame but we're not looking at the vulnerability in that shame the courage in that shame what it actually means it ends up becoming it
Speaker #1
ends up becoming yeah yeah you are definitely right And for most of us, we had very toxic families.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
But now, you know, by thought of this movement, us being able to choose our global village ourselves. So, you know, only healthy people. We couldn't choose our family back then. So we really couldn't. But now we can choose and we can choose only healthy people.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So if it's a toxic people, you know, it won't remain a group.
Speaker #0
Isn't it crazy? Isn't it amazing that I apologize if I cut you off?
Speaker #1
No, no, no, please.
Speaker #0
I think it's amazing that no matter where we are in this, in earth, right? One of the things that seems to be common is that we all share the same feelings. We all are going through the same thing. It doesn't matter if we're in America, South America, Asia, we all have that. our families and friends can be toxic or we are in toxic situations we're all going through that abandonment not feeling seen not feeling heard and we don't know feeling understood noticed supported significant belonging and that's our core need we need to to be in community and we suffer alone in that silence instead of being able to feel safe enough to space speak our shame out loud and have someone say, I actually understand what that feels like instead of the judgment. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #1
And because we speak the same language all over the world. Yeah. That is why this global movement can bring people together.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Because it's important, you know, to validate our feelings and so on, because we feel the same.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
We can validate our feelings and validate the others. But because we understand each other, that is why it would be easy to understand and support each other.
Speaker #0
Yeah. How long have you been a psychotherapist?
Speaker #1
Well, I've been for quite years, for many years. And I work with people for almost 24 years.
Speaker #0
That's amazing.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
That's awesome.
Speaker #1
I like working with people.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
This movement came, you know, as something normal. After so many years of working with people.
Speaker #0
And I see whenever you talk about the movement, your face lights up immediately. Yeah,
Speaker #1
because I really believe it will help a lot of people. It's very needed and it will be very helpful and meaningful. And it's important to know that you are doing something meaningful.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Because it won't be, you know, about me, my name or anything like that. It's about the movement.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
I want to help many people, not to be, I don't know, a VIP or a well-known person. It's not about me.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
That's why I'm very excited.
Speaker #0
Yeah. It's like it's just shining through you because it's fueled with purpose and it's driven. And it's purpose-driven. That's beautiful. How did you... I love the logo, by the way. I think the logo is so beautiful. How did you come up with that?
Speaker #1
Well, I was thinking about a woman who has femininity, but also is very, I don't know, strong.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
But in what way? You know, that combination of power and, I don't know, and that's exactly how I created it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. There was a while ago, a gentleman, he planted a seed, like he was telling me how he came up with his logo. And I started to think, I'm like... If I could come up with a logo, what would it be? And I started to play around with that idea. And I came up with, it's on my necklace.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
It's the golden girl with the crown and the heart on her cheek. And I was like, this is the embodiment of me. Like it really is, feels like me. It looks like me. It's like my meanness, so to speak. So I'm so, when I saw your logo, I loved it immediately because it's red. and um you know it made me feel it made me feel powerful but also the femininity in it i saw that yeah so a combination of this yeah so um when it came to um to um going into the psychotherapy field what um what inspired you on that was it like what was that i mean this was years ago you said but yeah yeah yeah because uh you know i had the skills
Speaker #1
And, you know, I was raised in a narcissistic family. So it's very easy. I was forced to read, you know, the emotions on people's face. So for me, it was, yeah, I had this skill.
Speaker #2
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Read, you know, people's emotions and so on.
Speaker #2
So it was a natural skill.
Speaker #1
Yeah, it was a natural skill. Actually, it was a natural because I was born with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah, I had to learn it. And so now it's very easy for me.
Speaker #0
Okay. How did you start setting boundaries? What are some ways you started to kind of break away from the noticing, like, I'm self-abandoned in here or I need to take care of me?
Speaker #1
Well, actually, I taught this. I had to do this because with some members of the family, I have zero contact now. I really had to learn to establish boundaries as a survival mechanism.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So I had to learn in the hard way, let's say. It was either that or, yeah, it was for survival.
Speaker #0
It's interesting because I feel like I've been on both sides, right? There's a time when I wasn't aware at all. And I didn't know the emotional labor it was taking for people to... deal with me in my space of unawareness. I, all I knew was I was always angry and I didn't like something. I would yell and scream and make it about the person. And then I'd get mad and I'd push them away and I'd go to my room or wherever. And I isolate for like four or five days. And then I would come back because now I feel better and I want to apologize for how I behave. But In that span of a week. Nobody felt safe. Nobody could talk to me. Nobody felt heard. Everyone felt dismissed. And these were my children and my ex-husband or family members. And sometimes when it was like family members or friends, it would take weeks and months to even, sometimes even years to reconnect. And then I would get mad again. And there was a time, there was a point when I looked at my kids and especially my oldest and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. And my ex-husband was like, I don't know how to help myself. I literally keep doing the same thing over and over. And I see the damage that it's done, that it's doing.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
But I was just that person. So when they started to tell me how it was affecting them, that's when my mindfulness started to kind of come in. But it... took me a while to even understand, like first understand my patterns, where they were coming from, what I was even feeling, how much I was feeling, but there was still a lot of blame. It took a lot of years to really take a look at myself and how am I showing up? How am I impacting the relationships of the people that I really love and care about? What is it that I'm doing, but it took a while. And so now that I've. I learned that I needed to name my feelings. I needed to release them. Journaling helps too, because why was I even so mad? Why was I even so mad that everybody needed to be punished? That was a big one. And I think sometimes we are not honest with people about how their behavior is affecting us. We shy away, we pull away and we don't say anything. And that might be that opportunity that person needs to say, oh, I'm not doing right by the people that I love and care about. I, you know, there's some adjustments that I can make. What are your thoughts on that?
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah. But they were probably confused.
Speaker #0
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker #1
They didn't understand, okay, why did I do it wrong?
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
How can I change this? Yeah. And what helped you to heal or to solve this?
Speaker #0
A lot of things helped me. One of the things was I saw I started seeing a therapist and thank you for asking. One of the I was seeing a therapist and she introduced me to the victim triangle. But the way at the time, what I needed was to understand how that was playing out in my household. And I saw that I was a persecutor on that victim triangle. Everybody else was the victim and the rescuer and I was feeling blamed. what I understood later on is that I can be at any point and even even if I'm the persecutor that's still me being the victim yeah yeah yeah and making them the persecutor so it was you know it was it was a little I it was eye-opening so I started doing that then I joined a women empowerment group and well to to um I think your your question was what helped me it was also When my family life broke up and I saw the abuse that was happening, the sexual trauma my daughter was going through, I looked at my life and I was, I think, 38 at the time. And I'm a single mom with three kids. And I'm like, wait, this is my mom's life. This is, I'm that the awareness of like, holy crap, there's some generational trauma. I started looking into that. So the victim triangle one started first. Then I realized the generational trauma by witnessing what was happening to my family. And I was like, well, how did I participate in that? Like what, what happened here? I needed to understand.
Speaker #1
So I was going to change this to break the cycle.
Speaker #0
Yes. Yeah. So when I was, um, I was doing this women empowerment group and we took the attachment style test and it was a printout. I didn't know about the attachment styles or anything like that. And I'm reading this and it was worded towards partners. And I was like, but this doesn't seem like it's just partners. These are questions about childhood. And I was like, what did I do to my children? I was like, no, no, no. As I'm answering the question for myself, I was like, but I'm the parent who did that to my child. So I went home and I took the quiz and I remade it myself. like I just Well, as every made it, I changed the word romantic partners into caregivers. And I was like, I made all of my children take it. I was like, I need to understand what I did, you know, what my part was. So that was really eye opening, because understanding that from zero to three is when our attachment starts to our caregivers. So my children grew up with a very authoritarian mother, I was very yelly, very verbally like angry, angry, yes. So that alone was like, my children couldn't possibly have learned secure attachment because of this.
Speaker #1
And then I learned that they couldn't feel safe.
Speaker #0
Right. And so my oldest daughter felt the pressure. She needed to be an adult and understood what an adult, like she needed to understand how to function as a child and being an adult mentality because that was the pressure that I was putting on her.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
So. When I thought about that, so in the studies, it said, well, by age seven, if we are not healed, our children have now, we've passed the baton on to them. And I witnessed that happen. So it was like, oh, my gosh, the studies are real. By age seven, our limiting belief is already in there. We become teenagers and we just form our protection. And that's who's going out into the world. We were never like, and I don't blame my mom. I did. subconsciously blame her so I do I did a lot of um I went sorry I'm getting a little yeah um so after being just understanding the attachment style how it affected my kids I was also introduced to an inner child workshop and that is where I really saw how my inner child was behaving it was coming out in my in my feelings um time. My feelings were telling me I had unmet needs. I didn't know what unmet needs were. So I had subconsciously believed that my dad didn't want me. So I expected everybody else isn't going to want me. And I behaved in that way from that place because it's kind of like, why don't you want me? Or it's either in desperation or in anger. And that's kind of how it came out. So that made me realize a lot. So I just kept working on myself. But then I had the awareness and I was like, okay, so when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm overwhelmed or when I'm frustrated, I behave this way, but what's underneath it? And then another therapist was like, well, you're not asking for your needs to be met. And I was like, well, what the heck is that? What do you mean? So he said, okay, start with your love language. and I was like well my love language and I I go deep dive into things and My top two love languages, physical touch and quality time. But it was deeper than that. It wasn't that I love to be hugged and cuddled. I felt comforted. I felt loved. I felt peaceful. I felt connected and cared about. And for the quality time, it wasn't just about sitting there with me, spending time with me. It was... me feeling included me feeling belong important yes me feeling significant somebody of value so worthy of love and attention and yes i'm sorry i don't mean to interrupt as you're yeah yeah
Speaker #1
so not just to stay with somebody to have time with somebody but to receive all this yes like and it was deeper than that so once i started to learn that i also realized that i needed to give that to myself because
Speaker #0
I'm there's a little girl inside of me who never got it and I'm I'm expecting other people to give that to me without them even knowing what my emotion they know how many of us even know what our very own emotional needs are no we don't know so we can't ask for this yeah and I I found that that was the biggest issues that I was having in romantic relationship is I don't know what my needs are and I'm expecting a whole other person to meet them and when they don't meet them I'm punish them for it as well because you need to meet my needs and that was not that was not okay they can't read them you know and and that kind of and that also by by doing that work within me it started to make me realize that I am a word I am worthy of love I am deserving of love it doesn't mean that I might my father didn't love me we were not taught how to be in healthy relationship we were raised based on survival and I feel like in some cultures the old we're all were raised by our oldest siblings anyways you know and so it just made me start looking at my parents life my life and my children's lives and that was the biggest thing for me was looking at at how I was affecting them and what we can do to not to change it how do we do it differently and that's where breaking the cycle also came from because we can now choose it's one thing to have the awareness it's another now we need to go and heal those moments actually I like to call it um I like to say we're not mopping up the water the the leaks anymore we're going straight to the pipe where in my childhood did I feel abandoned and adding love to that moment reparenting it And look, that gives me an opportunity to look like my dad. It's not that he didn't want me. My dad was murdered when he was 31. He didn't have work and electricity until he was maybe in his 20s. He didn't have the emotional capacity because he didn't know what that was. And my grandparents, they're my heroes. They did the best that they could. So it's like, you know, it doesn't mean that situations were OK or an excuse. But I can't. acknowledging that I didn't get what I needed. And now I have the choice to give them give myself that and not blame others, and taking full responsibility and accountability for how I show up. And I choose to show up empowered, I choose to show up alive, I choose to show up with reverence, with heart, with, with the lens of love. And my favorite question to ask myself is, what would love do in any situation? would love do love would want community love will want to sit with someone's heart love would want to offer compassion and just just heart language you know love wouldn't say you're doing it wrong love would say how can you do it how can you do it differently what support do you need to do it differently yeah how can I help you to do this differently yeah do you even need help to do it yeah People go, what the hell?
Speaker #1
Yeah, you are right. Not all.
Speaker #0
Yeah,
Speaker #1
you're right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So that's, that's how I, you know, learn to learn to step out of a lot of limiting beliefs. That was another thing that I didn't know, like, learning about shadow work and limiting beliefs.
Speaker #1
Yeah,
Speaker #0
those are all very important. I most recently realized that our anytime we have limiting money beliefs, or money issues, that's our father wound, because our fathers are protectors and nurturers and I feel like I'm talking a whole lot.
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's okay. Are your children proud of you that you, you know, broke the cycles?
Speaker #0
Oh, yes, they are. I get, I love my relationship with them. I absolutely love my relationship with them. I feel, I can feel that they're proud of me whenever they hear me on a podcast or I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to a networking event. They're like, oh, you're going to a networking event. And that's our mother yes and in so many ways especially my little girl she's like you know um i really well all three of them um but my little girl sometimes i love when she says it and my oldest daughter too i would love for you to meet her um they always i don't know they they say that i set the bar for oh very high now Yeah.
Speaker #1
Oh.
Speaker #0
They say because they witnessed me. They witnessed the struggle. They witnessed the version, different versions of me. And I've had those deep conversations with them where I took ownership of how I showed up for them and commitment to do it differently. And when it doesn't work, we'll try again. Like our relationship isn't perfect, but it's perfect because it's not perfect. We have the emotional safety to I can be mad at them. But the mad is just an emotion for right now because of a thought. Maybe I feel taken advantage of and my anger will be there. It doesn't mean that I'm going to yell at them or anything. I can communicate that I'm feeling very upset right now. Do you have the space to hear it? If you don't, then it's different when you're just... And I didn't know that I was doing this to someone myself. I would get mad and just be like, but I know, and that makes you, that makes me or that person feel attacked instead of a calmer version of that conversation. I'm feeling upset and I need a space to feel upset and whatever I'm upset about to not be held against me, just let me have this, this moment to get it out. And I allow my children to do that too. Like if they need to get that anger out or the sadness out, whatever they need, they can. I'm not going to fix it. I'm not going to defend myself. I'm going to listen to them because their experience matter what they're going through.
Speaker #1
And their experience is valid and their feelings are valid.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
So they are upset for something you did. They are upset.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. So it was, you know, it was it's it's a beautiful repair. And that's what that's actually how I wrote the book, The Relationship Repair Language. Because of my relationship with them, how we've come together. And it was most maybe last year or so, I actually realized how our nervous system, I realized how dysregulated our nervous system was in the first place. So for me, my nervous system, whenever I'm angry or sad, whatever the high emotions, it's because that energy was still stuck in my body. And it was never released. So now it's more like slowing down and giving myself that chance to breathe. When someone gives me a compliment, actually receive it. Yeah,
Speaker #1
actually accept it and receive it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I was with a coach and she was doing mindset training with me. And she was like, I was telling her about my life. And at that time, it just felt very hard. And she was like, look at how... capable you are I think that was the first time I've ever heard someone say look at how capable you are and I'm sure many people have said it that was the first time you didn't believe it yes that was the first time when I was like oh this this I am capable and you know the like just relearning the negative self-talk the where it's coming from whose voice it is, not even anything that belongs to me or who I am as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as a daughter, as a whole individual. So it was quite a journey. And I think a lot of people talk about, you know, well, don't do this or you have to do it this way or you have to do it that way. But what's really needed is that community that if I'm having a hard night or a hard day, I can call a sister.
Speaker #1
Somebody there to pick me up. Yeah. Somebody there to support me.
Speaker #0
Yes. It's just like, hey, I'm feeling sad. I just need to cry. And even if they're on the phone and I'm crying. It feels like I'm just in there and we're hugging and we're watching like a TV show or something. That's and and I think that's what I love about your Alive and Her movement, because we're you're offering that to everybody globally. You do not have to feel alone. And I think that's true. It's amazing how many of us are not actually alone.
Speaker #1
Yeah, we feel very lonely.
Speaker #0
Yeah. It's that shame that makes us feel like we, you know. um but for your children it's important that they've seen that you repair everything yeah and that you are okay now so it's important to see oh that it's possible yeah and being present too being present with this is how I used to behave and sometimes it can still come up but I'm mindful I'm intentional I'm choosing to do it differently and I'm I'm very present with them with where they are So if they were to come to me and share a shame or something, they're upset with me. It's not my instinct to just defend anymore or try to fix it for them. My instinct now is to sit there and hold their hands and tell me more. Tell me what else, you know.
Speaker #1
It's a very big difference.
Speaker #0
Yeah, yeah. And ask them also, how would you like to feel supported? Because I'm a mama bear. I will like. You know, so it's important for me to not just be like, and get and get on their bandwagon and hype them because that's not what they need. And sometimes they do. Sometimes they want me to be mad on their behalf, not to act on it, but like they want to, they want to feel like whatever they're experiencing is not they're not crazy for it. They have a valid reason for feeling that way. Yeah,
Speaker #1
it's normal because it's their feeling.
Speaker #0
yeah and it's like how many of us um are how many of us parents and this is not in shame or anything like that but how many of us parents we have to go to work we come home we cook dinner clean yeah pick up drop off like i'm a single parent i am the primary caregiver so i am the one who you know take them to the doctor's appointment make sure they're doing well in school like it's all these different um parts of responsibilities let's say right so all of us all over the world have children we have responsibilities how many of us are saying okay let's take a moment sit down hold hold each other's hands like how are you doing today how was your day you know or even my kids they can tell like if i'm stressed out and it's not their responsibility but Before, when I wasn't aware of how I was behaving, they would take that personally and it would mean that they're not important. Now we're integrated. We have the difficult conversations. We have the conversation that said, how can I show up better for you? And I will let them know whenever I'm stressed out, it most likely means that I'm more in my masculine energy and I want to feel taken care of. My shoulder starts hurting. My tailbone starts hurting. Also,
Speaker #1
your body really tells you this.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And when that starts happening, that's the moment to be like, okay, I need to take some self-care. And if I don't, I start to get irritable. And, you know, sometimes my daughter will be like, mom, I don't know what your inner teen needs, but she's a little sassy right now. We are recognizing the need behind the behavior. It's not just the behavior. and they We get stuck in that. Well, you're behaving this way. You're behaving. It's what's beyond that. What is needed? What do you need? What do we need? And just being in community with them, like seeing them, seeing their growth and being able to do that. I get to see my daughters process their own limiting beliefs, their own parental wounds. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and their own fears.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And it's okay if they've had... that plenty of memories where I've scared them or I've yelled at them and I made them feel small or whatever that case is I open up the space that we can talk about that and I don't have to feel ashamed of it they know that I've taken accountability we have that communication where I can hear you I can hear you and validate that and sometimes they don't need me to do anything they just need me to hear that this is how that affected them yeah you know just being in better better relationship with each other so I think I over answered everything this is supposed to be no no no no you it was a good journey for you yes yeah yeah I would say I know that I know that I have a lot more to learn and a lot more to grow I embrace that whatever whatever comes I'm open-hearted and I I'm going to look at it and see what the growth opportunity is. And if I need to react, I need to react. But I'm consciously choosing my reaction. I'm constantly choosing, you know, the life that I want to create. I'm being intentional with it.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So it's possible, you know, for people to heal.
Speaker #0
Yes, absolutely. And we heal in community. We heal with each other. We heal in being able to sit down and have. the coffees and you know the zoom calls or whatever whatever that looks like yeah or just to know that somebody is there for you yeah absolutely yeah i mean even though you don't ask for help but just to know that somebody there for you yeah to be met to be met to meet each other where we are without judgment without shaming um just to sit and say you're welcome here exactly as you are Because whatever it is that you're going through, you need to go through it. And I don't want to rob you of that growth, but you don't have to do it alone. We're in it together.
Speaker #1
Yeah, yeah. That's exactly the message. Yeah. Yeah. And it's very important for all of us to know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And to feel this,
Speaker #0
of course. Yeah.
Speaker #1
And to feel this, that we have this community around us.
Speaker #0
Absolutely.
Speaker #1
It's important, you know, to feel this community. And I'm looking forward to meeting your daughter. Oh,
Speaker #0
yes.
Speaker #1
So let's do this again. So I can also meet your daughter.
Speaker #0
Yes, please do. I know I have you on again. I'll have you on another podcast coming up. Yeah,
Speaker #1
we reschedule it.
Speaker #0
We reschedule that one. But yeah, I'd love to have you on again and share your message. Bring more people on too. Let's have a group.
Speaker #1
Can I ask your daughter if she's proud of you?
Speaker #0
I mean when I meet her yes actually you can ask her right because she's going to be the one that's editing this so she can leave a comment yeah proud of my mom yes I do feel it um I can feel that she's proud of me and I'm so proud of her too I get to see her grow she's been through a lot and she's 24 now to see that there was a time in her teenage years we weren't even talking And I just knew that that was a relationship that I wasn't willing to lose. And I was like, it's up to me to show up for her as healthily as possible. And it took a while because there was a time when I was parenting from guilt. And that was hard for her because I'm parenting because I need her to forgive me. And I feel bad for her. So I'm like. oh look at all of them doing this and i'm doing this and it's not being received and it's like you're not receiving what i'm giving you and it felt it felt like pressure to her like she had to accept what i was giving her instead of like you know once i once i forgave that part of me i no longer parented from guilt i felt what i was doing was the right thing and it was more than good enough and it's what she deserves as a parent to be present with her and steady with her and being consistent and just show up with love and um being able to see her move from um a very toxic relationship where she was abandoned in herself to seeing her now using her voice being uh being a woman you know she's not a she's my daughter i'm always gonna tell her she's my daughter my baby girl but She's a woman, like a full grown woman. She's aware. I love her awareness. She's got a lot of internal fire and she's very present. She's a person that I can talk to just about anything. So I'm going to need to relieve her of that duty and get more friends. Yeah.
Speaker #1
It's an important message that you, you know, rebuild the relation with her. so you fought this relation and you rebuilt it yeah because she's absolutely important for all the parents who go through this to know that it's possible yeah and give up on their children and the relationship with them yeah yeah and it's it's
Speaker #0
three it's three kids i have two um two they're twins they're gonna be 17 soon and um It was important to rebuild that relationship too. You know, they were about 11 when everything happened in our family. So our family broke up and now their sister was gone. Their father was gone. It was just me and them. And it was a little bit of a struggle. And we did it together. I feel like I was present with them throughout it all. And I could feel their appreciation for it. I'm so thankful that, you know, they also have... been going to the inner child workshop so it's we have we're speaking the same language so to speak the same emotional language and taking care of us individually and doing it together as a family yeah
Speaker #1
so everybody received healing yeah yeah and that is why your relationship is so good now so it's important for everybody to understand that if every member of the family receive healing or receive, you know.
Speaker #0
love and so on for therapy the family will work yeah yeah it's very important it's and it's hard because there's there's families that don't have that there's one person who's doing it and they have to then they carry the emotional labor but they still have to take accountability for how they're showing up and the others don't want to do the work yeah and it's like which is very sad Yeah,
Speaker #1
so it's like now I know a lot of families like this.
Speaker #0
Yeah, I think it's the word like, you know, narcissist, I think it's gets used a lot, a lot more. And sometimes it can be for me, it can be a little triggering, not in a negative way, so to speak, because I felt like I was a narcissist before and I didn't have the tools or I just didn't know. And once I found out I was able to change. But I'm also glad that there's people all over the world who are paying attention to these words. Now I hear a lot more inner child healing. People are having more understanding of the victim triangle, limiting belief, shadow work. I like that people are really looking and see what they need to heal and not looking for the world to heal them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
And people, you know, go to therapy and so on.
Speaker #0
yeah yeah it's it's good like we're i've i love seeing that i i don't think i don't i know that it was it's always been around and it's always been there healing has always been there um but not to the degree that i'm seeing it in the world now and and it takes women like you and me and men who are doing their work the people who are really invested in doing the work to show up and and continue to to be the light yeah and it's important to know like in your case that therapy really works yeah it does and and i understand why some for some people it doesn't work because nobody there's these labels and there's these this is how you behave this is how you are but and in the root of it it's we never learned what our emotional needs were we never learned and regulate our nervous system. Our nervous system has been tied up in fear or flight or fight or fawn and it's it was attached it's attached to a lot of limiting beliefs it's attached to a lot of childhood experiences that were never acknowledged they were never witnessed it was just like oh well you behave that way or just you know it's just like well my mom maybe didn't you know she hit me a lot or you know or she did this but everybody that happens to everybody instead of like No, you had a need in that moment. Maybe you were excited about something and you got hit. And that hit told you that joy was no longer safe. It doesn't mean that your mom is a terrible person. It just means that you didn't have your needs met in that moment. Or you had a report card and because you didn't get an A, you got a C. And that felt disappointing. And you made that mean that I wasn't good enough. and or that you are worthless right and mom maybe want best her intention is that i want you to be you know have a better life than i did i want to have a smarter and to have a great life yeah but it comes off as like oh i'm not good enough and that's worth acknowledging focusing on mom not meaning it that doesn't that's fine but we're not taking that time to say oh but you were worth it in that moment and you had every right to feel that way and we can add love to that you know so and though you are worth it now and so on yeah exactly
Speaker #1
Yeah, but usually people with that belief need a lot of proof that they are worthy.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Because they are so sure that they are not worthy.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Well, so before we wrap up, and I have to say goodbye to you because you are in Romania. Yeah,
Speaker #1
but we will meet again, don't worry. Oh,
Speaker #0
absolutely. Absolutely. Is there anything that you want? You know, what's your message of the day for anyone that's listening to this?
Speaker #1
Well, uh... I know people can contact us, follow our moves and be part of it.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And if anyone wants...
Speaker #1
And we can all, you know, you can all make a better world for us. Yes,
Speaker #0
we can.
Speaker #1
Children, grandchildren and so on.
Speaker #0
How can people learn more about the Alive in Her movement?
Speaker #1
Well, they can look for the Facebook page and I have details there.
Speaker #0
Okay. And of course,
Speaker #1
they can contact me or they can contact you.
Speaker #0
Yes. okay yeah but it's important they want to be part of it and yeah yeah and together we can do great things yes i would love to have a coffee date with someone in i don't know different parts of the world all the major cities just to kind of get
Speaker #1
to great but i will let you on the group and you can say this oh great yeah yeah i will let it right now and you can say this the group is named Alive in Her and has people
Speaker #0
all over the world so you can say that you have you can have a coffee with somebody that's great yeah yeah okay see you next time and say hello to your daughter for me yes thank you and if anybody's listening to this if anything that we share resonate or you want to contact catalina or myself um you can go to lazina.com and you'll get in touch with me and i'll put catalina's information in the show notes And we'll look forward to hearing from you. You want to be a guest? Come on over. As you can see, I'm going global. And Catalina, if you know anyone who would like to have conversations with us, bring them on too.
Speaker #1
Okay. But you may also write this message on the group.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
Who would like to come.
Speaker #0
Yes. Oh, great. My calendar is going to be booked now. yeah well that's a good thing yeah well thank you so much for having conversations with me and it was very nice we'll make sure we keep on spreading the message and being like yeah have a lovely sunday you as well

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