Transcription

• Speaker #0

  Hello everyone, welcome back to an episode of Breaking the Cycles. I am Ausha and I'm here with my mom. I have not been on an episode in forever, but we have a good friend, Carrie.

• Speaker #1

  Say hi, Carrie.

• Speaker #0

  Say hello.

• Speaker #2

  Everyone. Hey, thank you guys for bringing me on the show today. I'm so excited to be here.

• Speaker #0

  I'm so glad. I'm so, I'm actually really excited because this is my like blue return episode and I get to, we get to have a great conversation today. So, not to like hop into it, but to hop into it.

• Speaker #3

  Let's go.

• Speaker #0

  How have we broken the cycle?

• Speaker #1

  In many ways.

• Speaker #0

  In a lot of different ways. Yeah.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And I think the biggest way for me is realizing that I was passing on generational trauma to you guys, my kids. And I wanted to do that differently. A fire fueled inside of me to do it differently. And I feel like I've successfully done that.

• Speaker #0

  I mean, I am pretty proud of myself. I've been on like a little two year mental health and physical health journey. And like, I have a lot of good things that's happening in life. But I think the biggest thing is that I am not in a place of shame about my past. I'm much more vulnerable about what's happened and I'm much more open about these experiences. What I find is that the real world, especially like amongst my coworkers, elements of what I've experienced, they've also experienced too. So I get the opportunity of sharing vulnerability and like doing things differently.

• Speaker #1

  So, Carrie, thank you for being on. I don't know why it feels like I'm speaking so softly, but I feel like I have love energy with me. And maybe that's the energy that I'm getting from you because we spoke on the phone for a very short few minutes. But we definitely connected and I felt like I sat with your heart and I understood you. I'm just happy to have you on here so that you can share with us how you have broken cycles in your family.

• Speaker #2

  Thank you, dear. You know, I just I want to reiterate that it was a short call, but it was powerful. Like it was it was very powerful. And I'm so glad and grateful that you guys have created this platform that you and I and any other guests you have can share because breaking the cycle is so important. And... And my story is a little bit like to see us. The breaking of it is to get rid of that shame, get rid of that, you know, feeling of needing to hide it. And what I did was I actually spoke it out. I started telling people and got up on stage and told my story in front of 250 people.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, wow.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. And I, you know, I had. confidence I had faith that it would be received and it would be accepted the way that it was meant because it wasn't as a poor me story it was just like you said to see it it was so other people can understand it because there's so many people around us that have gone through this and they don't know anybody else has yeah and knowing that other people I had probably four women come up to me after the conference and say, I... I've never met anybody else who had a childhood like mine. And I'm like, yeah, you have. There's so many, but we're taught not to talk about it. And so to break it is to speak up, to be aware of it, and to let other people know that you support them, you understand them.

• Speaker #1

  Thank you for sharing that. And I love that it inspired people. That's the best. You couldn't have said it better. I didn't know that what I was going through other people were. And then when I started seeing it, I was like, wait, nobody's really talking about there is so much shame behind it. And there's a saying that we use often is that shame hates its name. And once we put it out there, can't really have much power over us. But if your heart could speak to other people's hearts. or to see his heart what what's the message that you would like to share first and and let me speak directly to you to see you first

• Speaker #2

  You are amazing because you carried something, you carried experiences that were never yours to carry. And that takes strength, a level of strength that a lot of people will never know. Secondly, it is so beautiful. You're going to make me cry.

• Speaker #1

  She's already crying.

• Speaker #2

  It is so beautiful to see this journey that you're on. And even though you and I have just met, Just seeing the way you spoke about it and said, I don't have shame about it anymore. I've been on this journey for two years of changing how I am in terms of carrying that is amazing. You're going to be such an inspiration for other people.

• Speaker #0

  I wasn't expecting that my first video podcast, I'd be crying. I received that so much. Thank especially what I have been going through these last few weeks. And it's kind of like a, not like, what is it? Like a gentle reminder of like being seen for the work and being seen for like, these are important things. These are things that not a lot of people want to come out and talk about.

• Speaker #2

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  And actually being seen is like really cool right now. Thank you.

• Speaker #2

  My pleasure. My pleasure. It's so, I don't know if you feel this way and I'm assuming that you do, but once you start speaking and it just, you feel so much lighter and you're able to start to smile again. And you're able to start to, for me, it was literally function. Like I had developed so many autoimmune disorders because of this. And when I started to heal, my autoimmune issue started going away and and i was like oh it was part of everything that i was carrying that nobody knew about some of them i didn't even remember i it i was 45 46 before i remembered some of the things that happened to me when i was younger and and they're so heavy other people get to watch you break this cycle other people get to watch you bloom in who you are and in your authenticity, because your authenticity is light and joy and happiness and love. And as that comes out, it's just an inspiration. So thank you for being that, because I know you're going to help so many people.

• Speaker #0

  Thank you. I don't know what else to say other than thank you right now.

• Speaker #2

  It's okay. It's okay.

• Speaker #0

  I'm a little awkward.

• Speaker #1

  Receive. I'm starting to receive.

• Speaker #2

  I know you do. I know you do.

• Speaker #1

  That's a very powerful message, Carrie. And that tells me that you've had many nights and days and hours sitting in it and to be on the other side of it. The softness in your words and the way you spoke to Tuzia, I felt like you were directly in her heart. And that's... That's beautiful. Would you like to share a little bit?

• Speaker #0

  I was just going to ask. I would like,

• Speaker #1

  well, I mean,

• Speaker #0

  I do want to hear more about your story. The fact that like you connected with me and to hear that heart to heart alone. I can't imagine what you've been through and I would love to hear more about it.

• Speaker #2

  So my story kind of it doesn't really start at the beginning. and And at the end, it's really kind of interesting because the first trauma that I remember was just 13, 12 or 13 years old, right around then. And it was more of an emotional, verbal kind of a trauma. I grew up in a household that was very toxic, very just dysfunctional. And outside of the home, we played the roles of being the perfect family. But in the home, we weren't allowed to speak. We weren't allowed to. you know, speak unless spoken to. We couldn't ask questions. We, we didn't know what our interests were. We were told the only things we could participate in. And, and I never really developed a personality. And this, I thought that was the moment the abuse started. I remembered, you know, being scared as a kid and being spanked and being, you know, all these things, but I was like, it wasn't that traumatic. And it was 40, it was 45 before. I started getting the help that helped me. Now, I had gone to therapists many times, and none of them could help me, and I thought I was too broken to be helped. Because if professionals couldn't help me, who could?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  And I actually got to about 24 hours before I was going to end my own life. Because I just thought, I can't do this every day anymore. And a friend of mine, out of the blue, called me and wanted me to talk to his friend who was a coach. And I was like, no, if these professionals can't help me, this coach isn't going to help me. And he wouldn't hang up the phone. He had no idea. Nobody knew what I was planning on doing the next day. And he just said, I'm not going to hang up this phone until you speak with him. He's like, just please do this four times for me. And it's a friend I had known for like 25 years. And so I said, okay, I'll talk to this guy. It's not going to help, but I'll talk to him just for you. And when we started talking. He was able to do different techniques than I had ever been through before. And it literally changed my life. Right. And so we went through the next seven, eight months of just trauma work from the age of 13 to the age of 44. And we thought that we had gotten through all of the deep, deep trauma, all of the stuff that I was carrying. And suddenly I started having physical, like. almost seizure-like releases. And then within those, memory started coming back. And what that was, was the first 10 years of my life of a family member sexually molesting and raping me. And it had gotten to the point where I had spoken up about it. I had said to somebody, something happened. And this person said, don't worry about it and walked out the door. And again, in our home, eat. you did what you were told. You did what you were told. And so I forgot about it. I didn't worry about it. I shoved it down as far as it could go. And I would, for 30 years, I was triggered all the time and I didn't know that's what was happening. And so there was, it was, you know, we talk about in the coaching world, it's like the layers of the onion and you, when you start to heal different traumas, you pull away the layers. This was sitting at the core and it was controlling everything that I did. And I couldn't change anything about myself because I didn't even know what was controlling me. And that's why I felt so broken is because I'm like, well, if we fix this or if we've addressed this or if we process this, why am I still the same? Why can't I be different? And so we spent it's been about two years that we've spent working through all of this forgotten memories. a full decade of this happening. And the amazing thing is, is that I went through nine months of healing what I thought was the worst trauma anyone could go through. And so by the time I discovered this and remember this, I already had the process down. I already had the techniques and I already had the support of people who I knew supported me in this other trauma. They would support me in this too. And so that's when I started to... make the decision to become a coach to help other people. And it took me almost two years to be able to speak up about this, but I finally, finally spoke out and have decided that that's part of my, my mission in life now is to do that, to help other people realize that there is another side of this. And it sounds like you're starting to see this, that there is this, this doesn't have to be forever. You don't have to carry this forever. And there's another side to it. And I used to hate it when people would say, oh, if I can do it, anybody can do it. And I would be like, no, you had money, you have friends, you had resources. What I came from, if I can get past what I've gotten through, anybody can. So there is hope for everybody. And I've, by no means have I ever suffered the worst there is to suffer. I mean, there's so many people. who have experienced so much worse than i have but what i have experienced has been extreme and i got to the other side and so i want other people to know i just want to be a beacon of hope for people to know that it is possible for them too thank you so much for sharing

• Speaker #0

  I felt very connected with you. I see you. I feel very like I relate so heavily. Yeah, heavily. Yes. I am one. I know I can't say it, but I will still say it. I'm sorry that that was what you experienced. That turmoil I relate so heavily to because like I was 17 when everything happened. I'm 24 now. And I spent so many years stuck in such a deep turmoil where it felt like I was living in hell. And to now be on the other side of like, wow, I used to feel that dark, that heaviness. And now there's so much more love replaced in it. And I felt that from you as you were sharing, like I could feel how much you've healed. And I'm so proud of you. There's a bug in my ear. But I am so proud of you.

• Speaker #2

  Really? That means so much.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. As you were sharing, you know, I was thinking back. My first experience being sexually abused, I was, I remember I was like around three. And I woke up to someone, you know, doing something to me. And at the time, like, I'm a kid. Unless I'm looking back at it now, how did I feel then? Or, you know, I'm a kid. Like, I'm just on to the next. But when I think, when I sit with, as children, we deserve loving parents. I mean, we deserve loving caregivers. We deserve people who will honor us and be there for us and nurture us and give us the tools that we need to step into our power and live from joy and live from excitement and creativity. But unfortunately, that wasn't handed down. What I was handed down in that very moment, I felt like I did something wrong and I felt disgusted with myself. to carry that for so many years without even knowing that's what I was carrying. My nervous system was so locked up in being scared of being blamed that I grew up in a very blame-based culture. So the fear was always, well, you did, you, I didn't want to hear the words that you did something. It was your fault. So it was better to stay silent and just act like it never happened. But that event and many more, it's just not, it doesn't just happen once, right? And some people, it happens in different ways. It shaped my self-belief and it shaped who I am as a woman, as a mother. And I feel I still have. you know there's still some shame going around of how I felt as a mom but also I when I was a young mom I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to be I I just knew that I didn't want to do the same thing but also that's what I was taught so into the awareness of it now of like you know I'm going to be conscious and intentional about how I heal so that my children can have a different experience And, you know, it was very shocking when everything happened with Taseya because I was like, this is not what I wanted at all. And so not only did I not know what was going on with me, now I don't know what's happening with my whole entire family. So it took a lot of, I want to say, dark nights of the soul.

• Speaker #3

  That's a great way to put it.

• Speaker #1

  To overcome that. to sit with those, the thoughts that I'm disgusting or, you know, whatever the thoughts that I wasn't good enough or I wasn't worthy to be able to, I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but these things are just coming into my head. We were taught to, well, now, nowadays there's a big push. I feel like there's a lot more awareness to heal your wounds and to understand them. So when we're on the other side of it, it's like, oh, well, you just have to believe in yourself. But for the version of me that didn't know what that means, what do I do with that? You know, it's not it's OK. I'm on the other side. But how did it get there? I think a lot of that it gets lost in translation because we don't to go back and relive and sit in that. Holy crap, that's a lot of shame. And how did I do shame? I had to practice deep self-forgiveness. deep self-forgiveness and that's not those are layers it's it starts off with forgiving the person then it's then forgiving myself and then forgiving the version of me that believed those that I wasn't worthy exactly and forgiving um because energetically I was holding on to resentment towards my mom and my dad and not that you know understandably with compassion and grace not dismissing that they were trying their best but also acknowledging that that little version of me needed protection and so by doing that I'm able to look at Tasia's experience without shame and honor her experience. Like, yeah, I wasn't the mom that protected her. I wasn't the mom that gave her what she needed. And I can give myself grace for that, but that's still her truth. And if she comes to me and when she does come to me and tell me about how her life was affected by that version of me, I can't. possibly sit there and look at her and defend myself or make myself right or you know I have to honor I love honoring that because I know the power of of that like being able to forgive someone without needing it back from them is is powerful in itself but to do it present with me in like you know face to face heart to heart I felt that that was one of the most beautiful gifts that we can give each other and um there's a lot of women who go through sexual abuse and their children have been sexual abused and they don't know how to bridge that gap like it's a conversation that can heal

• Speaker #2

  generations it's a generation of healing conversation i don't mean to interrupt by pausing please do no please do that's the key word right there is generational yeah And the key undertone of that is exactly what you said, lack of conversation.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  Because you do what you've always done, which is what you were taught, which is what they were taught, which is what that person was, you know. And it becomes this whole mind-body disconnect of your body is wanting to do one thing or wanting to feel one thing, and your mind is beating yourself up about it. And it's, you know, that's... that's so much of what we carry is that the mind can't believe that we can be okay yeah everything that's happened to us because of the beliefs we have and most of those beliefs are handed to us on a silver platter by other people you know my teacher in second grade when I tripped one day said don't be so clumsy and I took that on that to mean that I was clumsy yeah and you know most of the time we don't even know where it comes from I just had a conversation with some friends today That so many times we do things and we hear the voice in our head, the record, right? But it's not even our voice. It's our mother's voice or our brother's voice. And it was amazing to me when I realized that a certain phrase that went through my head every time I made a mistake, it literally wasn't even my voice. It was me hearing somebody else say it to me. And I'm like, I don't have to believe that. That's not even me. That's somebody else telling me their belief. And I don't have to believe that. And it's all we know. That's what we're taught. That's all we know to do. And so at any given moment, everybody is doing the absolute best that they can do. Because if they could do better, they would.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #2

  And I had to, it took a long time to come to terms with that with my abuser and say he was doing the best that he could do. He did a really crappy job. And he was doing the best he could do. And there's this, you know, it's the and-and distinction of two things can be true at the same time. And then that adjusted for me into I can be abused and not be broken at the same time. And it's powerful. It's powerful when you see people make that shift. When they get that and say, this is who I am and. I can be this person too at the same time.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. There was a part where you said it's shifting the narration in your mind. And I kept thinking of Untethered Soul. Yeah. And I was like 22, 23, one of those ages. I don't even know.

• Speaker #1

  I'm 24 now and I can't even remember.

• Speaker #0

  That shows that. But it was. having that reality shift of understanding that my thoughts weren't my thoughts and then as i like My thoughts were originally like my stepfather's thoughts, which was my abuser. And then it was like sprinkled of what things you would tell me when I was growing up. And it took me a while of being able to, there was, there's a section in the book where it's like, you need to echo your own, your own voice. And it took me like three days to do that. And I couldn't, for the life of me at the time, I couldn't echo my own voice in my own head for it to be my voice. once I got that repetition everything shifted into the decision I'm making was it mom telling me to do it was dad telling me to do it was it like who was actually talking and I went through maybe like six different breakdowns of like is it my voice am I the person that's talking am I the person that's making this decision and now being on it where it's like if I have the little trick the little Because it doesn't really go away. You get better. Like for me, I get better at coping with it. But I'll still get the little voices in my head. And then I'm like, I'm literally in my own limiting belief right now. What am I doing?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  And it's like the way I choose to work, the way I drive myself crazy with a crazy schedule, the way I internalize being chaotic. Like, it makes sense why, like... As a kid, I was always embedded. I need to be the perfect person in everything I do. So now it's like, I don't need to, I could just be me. I am okay with being me. I'm okay with saying no. If I go to work and I do something better than somebody else, okay. But I'm not going to do it for you every single time that you asked me to do it. I can put that boundary out there. So it's really showed me like, when does my people pleaser side come in? When do I like make the decision of Me honoring my own boundaries, honoring my own space and to be on that side just from processing my own voice in my own head is like, it's pretty cool. It's also pretty crazy.

• Speaker #2

  You said something very, very, I think is important in there. And you said it twice. You said the decision I made. I didn't know that I had the ability to make a choice. in my life for me. I was a victim to everything that happened around me and I had no idea that I got to choose. And again, as being abused, you don't have a choice in that moment. You have to submit in that moment and that integrates in your nervous system. But that's the only way I know how to keep myself safe. And so when you say, I get to make the decision of, I'm going to put a boundary up. I get to make a decision of, am I going to listen to this voice? Or am I going to think something different? It's huge. When you find that strength inside of you to say, and listening to you or the same way, like you had this presented to you from your daughter and you're like, wait, this is an opportunity for you to see who am I being? And I get to choose who I want to be.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  And we just, we feel like we have that choice taken away from us and nobody ever tells us different. So again, it's one of those things we take on.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. You know, Dr. Bowlby, and there's a lot of studies around the attachment styles and what happens from zero to three years old. And when I think back of Tasia when she was born.

• Speaker #0

  I was just going to talk about that, but go ahead.

• Speaker #1

  Okay. No, that's fine. I'll let you. Go ahead. Oh,

• Speaker #0

  okay.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  I like when you share the story.

• Speaker #1

  Okay. And you'll share that story. But this one I wanted to share is that I expected Tia to know how to do adult things as a child. And I didn't know that I was doing that. But a part of me didn't like that version of me. I knew that I was very angry and I didn't know why I was angry. Whatever the case, I mean, I don't want to minimize my experience, but at the same time, I want to honor to see us. But it's, I think the most simplest way of saying that is that I expected her to be an adult. I know adult things and know how to solve math problems and get what two plus two is. And, you know,

• Speaker #0

  all my math things. Also,

• Speaker #1

  there was a time where I.

• Speaker #0

  I couldn't find a paycheck because I put it in the glove compartment, but I didn't know that it could slip in the back. And I expected her to know that. And I yelled at her and screamed at her. Like, that was very, I felt like I, when looking back at it, I stripped away all of her self-esteem, all of her power. I took that from her, you know. And going back to, I think you want to share the zero to three thing?

• Speaker #1

  Oh. This is not where I thought you were going to. Our brains were not connected this time. Okay, that's okay. But it's okay.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. Well, speaking of nerves, I was more talking about the nervous system. I felt like your nervous system was locked up in fear from a very young age.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And that's also what I was going to. Okay, go for it. Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  So nervous system.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. So the way our bodies naturally audit or. tune into is the way that we're born and like the energy that the mother is in the emotional state is going to be like in turn a reflection of the mom and what's going on with her so i was always scared and i only recently learned maybe like a few months ago when you told me that i like i was in my father's arms always like he was always screaming so i was always shaking i was always like in fear of what was going to happen and from my earliest memory even my good ones there's always some form of weird crazy trauma like i had a very angry and i don't know unaware unpresent mom and then my biological dad was that shit crazy and then my stepdad i don't even know who this man is anymore um But he was like a narcissist. But I don't, he was just so unaware of his own wounds. So it just like, now me being healed, I can understand why everything happened the way that it did for him. Not, still honoring myself in the same process. But like, no wonder I still have to regulate myself out of anxiety. I only like, two months ago, I stopped biting my nails. And then I had like a really really induced anxiety inducing event conversation thing and i ended up peeling all my nails again and so i'm sitting here i'm like dang i'm back to square one i have to redo this and it's like i spent two months not biting my nails and processing my anxiety to in an instant i can be triggered and i like reparented myself out of my nervous like out of a dysregulated nervous system beautiful

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, I think that's on me. I'm 44. Like I didn't, the thing that I'm excited about is that to see as younger and she's learning how to reparent that her nervous system. And when I think when people hear the word reparenting, it means you have to hate your parents and stuff like that. And, and there's a big misconception about it. But I find that, I mean, I'm this, this, this year's old now understanding that I, as a child, my nervous system wasn't regulated my emotional needs weren't being met so i was living in a chaotic nervous system the whole time so whenever i'm afraid or i feel joy i don't know which one because my nervous system is locked into being angry my mine is mine is fight um you know so it's um it's nicer now i feel more present with myself because i can I'm not behaving a certain way and then regretting it later. I'm not looking back like, man, I should have said that differently. Even if I should have said it differently, it was like, you know what? However I said it, I know that my heart was pure. My intention was coming from love. And however it's received, it's also from the lens. And I can also take accountability should the person want to talk to me about it. I can definitely see where they're coming from. but that whole like I felt like this My life, I've had the rug pulled out from under me. And so I'm, when good things are happening, I'm like, I feel myself bracing. And I'm like, no, no, no, it's okay. We're trusting the process now. We're not. And I, and then my reparenting is reminding my little girl, like, it's okay. You got me now. I abandoned you. I left you there alone. And now you have me and I got you. Even if, even if you're scared. I remember the first time I was going to a networking event, two weeks before. I freaked out. I was scared and I should have made it. Would you like to add something to Zia?

• Speaker #1

  This one was like, I'm so scared. I'm gonna go skydiving. Like, okay. And I'm thinking like indoors. I'm not gonna go skydiving. Maybe. years from now the woman who's scared of heights she can't even go on a ladder oh my goodness she's on a cliff she's freaking out but she went skydiving and she had a wonderful experience that's incredible that's

• Speaker #2

  incredible and that shows what healing does man yeah that's so great wonderful

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, I was like, let me put my body through the fear and surrender. And like now I can tell my nervous system, my belief, my inner child, my higher self, everyone, all of me feels in connection. There's no separation. My personality from my soul, from my experience, from my experiences. I am choosing how to create the life of my dreams. I can choose my reality. I can choose what state of mind and state of being I want to be in. And it came, I know there's a saying, well, that was supposed to happen to you. And nobody wants to hear that when they're going through it. That is the worst thing that you can say to somebody when they're going through it. Like, I remember when somebody told me that I needed to forgive my ex. I'm like, excuse me, I have to do what? Are you? I was livid. I think someone.

• Speaker #1

  Sorry, but. It's funny, it's like the, I'm so quick to forgive because I see and I, like, I understand, but it was, like, really hard for me to forgive myself.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, that one's hard.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Oh.

• Speaker #2

  We're our own worst enemy.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, yeah.

• Speaker #2

  We are the hardest on ourselves. It's, it's so interesting that we can have grace for other people and we can see the good in them.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  And then we look at ourselves and all we see is the negative stuff or the perceived negative stuff.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. Yeah, forgiving yourself is huge.

• Speaker #0

  Very much so. Such a powerful experience to have, to truly, like, really deeply. And I know I can see it on your face. You know what I mean when I say that deep forgiveness. That's like a sobbing cry with four sad songs coming from the depths of your gut all the way up. Yes. apologizing to yourself for all of the times where you for you self-abandoned you didn't realize how much you were giving to other people like i literally begged a man to love me i

• Speaker #1

  will never do that again right when i was processing my ex that was when i fully fully processed my father wounds and that you remember I was having the most gut-wrenching cries I have the most deepest journal journal entries like my forgiveness exercise it was like it was a really really deep release and it put in well it made me realize how much I avoided my dad yet I wanted to be around him 24 7 um And I was able to really process like what my, what a daddy's girl should be and how I was violated. But it was also like, I was able to really put a chronological order of events. I was able to process everything, every single memory that popped up. I wrote about it. I had I envisioned talking to him about it. I had so many letters, so many, so many letters. And I think now I'm still feeling my little father wound because I could have the opportunity of having a relationship repair conversation with my abuser, but that's not a possible thing to have happen right now. But that's also me wanting to push myself more into a healing. I want to heal my family and this is the gateway of doing that, but I must wait. Back to my point though. forgiveness was pretty

• Speaker #0

  pretty deep it's a definitely a deep layer towards it and it's hard to do i think that's another thing um carrie like you would agree and when there's times when we're feeling sad and like oh my god i don't know why i'm sad but to actually induce the sadness to say okay i'm sad what is it that i'm feeling and not become the feeling actually separating and witnessing like i I laid on a mattress in my living room one night and I just an air mattress and I just cried and I said I allowed myself to say the things that I was ashamed of saying or was afraid of saying and I said them out loud and I bawled and bawled and bawled and after that I felt so good because it was it was reheat that's the healing that is what the healing is is facing it and not becoming it just let it pass through they say it takes 90 seconds right To just let an emotion go. And that's true. But when you're doing healing work. It takes about 45 minutes.

• Speaker #2

  Over and over and over again. Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  It'll stop and it'll come again. The tears are different. Sometimes they're just like pouring out. Like buckets. Or they're burning. Oh my god. The burning ones are. That's the deepest healing one. Yeah. And I think for anybody that's listening. My caution, I tend to be a little cautious about this because I want you to feel your feelings. I want you to understand that on the other side of your feelings, there's beautiful things, but also the practice of how to do it. Because when you are feeling your feelings and becoming it and staying in it and then carrying it another day, it's because we've never learned to name what we're feeling. okay we're sad or we're angry but no what what's beneath the behavior of the feeling it's i don't i don't feel important i don't feel valued i don't feel significant i don't feel belonged those are core human needs and we get stuck in the feeling that we don't get to the understanding of what was it that was missing here what is it that it needed how can i give it how can i ask for support. And that's where we need support and community as well. We don't need somebody to rescue us from our feelings. Tell us, oh, don't feel, you're feeling sad. Let's go out to eat. You need a good day out. I need a girl's day out. What I need is a girl's night in to watch some sad movies and be held while I'm crying. You know, I need to go to the ocean and have somebody with me who's going to help me get angry. at everything and let that anger out and scream it out without shame without defending anybody without saying oh i shouldn't feel this way right beat myself up about it you know there's so much in that evening work that's needed and

• Speaker #2

  um and to be embraced as well yeah yeah to be embraced i agree you know i tell people feelings are there to be felt yeah But we run away from them. We push them down. We get scared of them because we don't know what's going to happen. I have a client that I'm working with right now that has a fear of spending money. And money just terrifies her because she thinks what's going to happen if we run out of money, if my husband loses his job, if we don't have enough to buy groceries, you know, all of this stuff. And as we've been working together over the past two months, we're finding that it doesn't have anything to do with money. It has to do with all these beliefs she has about herself and it comes out as money. But the very first thing I did with her, the first time I really got her grounded and centered, we kind of started talking about what is it that you feel is the issue? And she told me all of these feelings, right? Which were thoughts, which were not feelings. They were thoughts. And I said, okay, what I'm going to do is I'm going to read every single one of these thoughts that you have back to you and you're going to feel it. And I'm going to be right here with you, but you're, we're going to, we're going to go into it because when you go into that, you just want to throw it away and start, you distract yourself and do something else. You don't feel it. We're going to feel it. And we sat there for a good 40 minutes and I was just like, you have no money left. Everything is gone. Your cupboards are empty. Like you're losing the house. And she just sobbed and bawled and just, and then she finally felt it all the way through, just like you said. And afterwards she was sitting there and I said, now what changed? And she said, I said, your husband still has his job. you still have money in the bank you still have your i said it's just a feeling yeah it is just a feeling and if you can feel the feeling and that's why it comes up because it wants to be felt then you can process it and let go yeah and it'll come up again it'll come up because our nervous system is always trying to keep us safe yeah that's all it knows how to do it's all it knows how to do but it's trying to keep us safe from situations that we're no longer in that we don't me to be kept safe from anymore. And so she's, we've tried that practice a couple more times and she's like, hasn't cried this last time. And we've started getting into stuff when she was a child. And I was like, oh, you said that exact same thing about money. Here's this belief you have about you that you believed about money. here's this belief you had about your childhood that you now have about money and it's it's all interconnected but it is it's it's letting yourself feel those feelings that are so deep that you haven't let yourself feel before because they're scary you know i my motto for this year has been do it scared yeah we were talking before of the facebook post that i put up recently that was so vulnerable and terrifying for me and it took me two weeks to post it but i'm like okay do it scared because it doesn't matter how i feel it doesn't matter if I'm scared.

• Speaker #0

  Don't do it.

• Speaker #2

  Just. keep doing it and keep taking one step after another and after another and it gets so much easier yeah it truly does i love what you said too i don't need to interrupt could you no you're just fine it's it's our our heart our

• Speaker #0

  our feelings our thoughts and our nervous system are not in alignment like it's you know we clearly we can we can have the awareness and understand the thoughts and then we can understand the feeling and even Even start moving with more love. But that nervous system, that needs some attention. It has to understand that this is now different. And like I've told you before, which you've always repeated, is that sometimes anxiety and excitement can look the same. It's all about the state of mind and the belief that's behind it. You know, I also recently learned that our money... beliefs or money fears also comes from our father wounds i was like that's an interesting exploration i love i you know just to do and i i wrote the money repair language i haven't we haven't published it yet my editor is taking a long time to process my book that is true it is on my to-do list well i feel like i rambled a little bit there it's okay please rescue me i'm codependent in a great way yes yeah we've i mean we've done so much healing when it comes to our relationship so like you

• Speaker #1

  were my safest parent you're my only parent no shade i totally have daddy wounds activated um so unfortunately I probably shouldn't. Anyways, we're kind of over our time on our episode.

• Speaker #0

  A little bit.

• Speaker #1

  Carrie, where can we find you if we want to get to know you and also everything about you? Plug yourself in.

• Speaker #0

  Yes, this is where you tell everybody what you do, how to connect with you, how to get all the love.

• Speaker #2

  Thank you. So. I have actually been a massage therapist for 28 years also. And I do a lot of energy work with that. So my name and my business is Resilience Mind and Body Coaching. So I'm a massage therapist and energy worker and a trauma healing life coach. So resiliencemindandbodycoaching.com. Or you can go to Linktree and just type in Resilience Mind and Body Coaching. And it will give you every link, every social media platform. It'll give you a link to the book that has my story in it. It'll give you a link to videos that you can see and hear more about my story and other podcasts that I've been on. And then it'll actually get you to my web page where you can reach out to me directly. Or the email is simple, Resilience Mind and Body Coaching at Outlook.

• Speaker #1

  I'll put everything in the description so that way you can get it. do you get plugged in and all that?

• Speaker #0

  We're going to put you on, put you on all of the things. And you mentioned a massage therapist and that's.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, I used, I was in school for massage therapy for a little while and I've been wanting to go back to complete it because like I have a passion for body work and energy work and that's, I love to do, I love to help people experience emotional releases. So it was like.

• Speaker #2

  Wonderful.

• Speaker #1

  Yay. I met another me. I see you in me and you and I in you.

• Speaker #0

  What I see in you, did I see in me?

• Speaker #1

  Yes.

• Speaker #2

  There you go. perfect oh that's so wonderful it was great talking to you i know we have another recording coming up yay i believe we do yay well that one's for a different podcast entirely but well you can always come back for another episode please we have we have two more don't we i think we have three total oh yay cool right yeah i would love to come back anytime yeah just reach out this is home

• Speaker #0

  This is home now. Thank you.

• Speaker #1

  This is a very soft episode. I'm looking forward to like listening to this again. I listened to all the episodes before I edit, before I like put them out there. So I'm technically the first listener.

• Speaker #0

  Yes.

• Speaker #2

  So great. Oh, so wonderful. Thank you guys again for creating this, this platform and this opportunity.

• Speaker #0

  I appreciate that. I received that. My, my, one of my goals are many goals, but When it comes to sharing our story, it takes a lot and it takes, it's very, it's a hard work and it takes a lot of strength. And sometimes the people who have gotten to the other side have not been witnessed and their stories are very important. So I always say, who's there for the strong? Who's there for, you know, the journey? And so I want people to know that they can be heard, they can be seen, they can be felt in everything that they're going through and they can be witnessed and they can name whatever they're feeling. There's a community here where we can thrive together or hold each other.

• Speaker #1

  Whatever you need.

• Speaker #2

  So beautiful. Thank you both.

• Speaker #1

  Thank you. Thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of Breaking the Cycles. We will see you on the next one.

• Speaker #0

  Bye.