- Speaker #0
Are you tired of the same arguments looping endlessly in your marriage, you know, over and over again? Do you feel like you're stuck in conflict? Remember that movie Groundhog Day? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Well, today we're tackling the frustrating reality of unresolved fights, uncovering the effective strategies you can use to finally bring resolution and peace back into your relationship. Let's get into it right now. Welcome everyone to the Home to Haven podcast. We're so, so happy you are here and downloaded or tuned in wherever you are watching or listening, however you're watching. We're so glad you're here. We are. We're the Turners. And this is your home for faithful content that will help you communicate in your relationship. If you get anything out of the episode, we would ask you just give that a thumbs up, help the algorithm, tell more people that this is something that's pretty cool. Or also, if you're on a podcast outlet, give us a rating. That'll be a huge help to us. That's it.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, we love to hear from you. We love to see those comments coming in. And the reviews we've gotten recently. So keep coming. Absolutely. Let us know what you like to hear, what you want us to talk about next.
- Speaker #0
It's episode 101. We're in three digits.
- Speaker #1
101 or 102?
- Speaker #0
102.
- Speaker #1
Okay. 102. We are in three digits. Yeah. Charles got the radio voice.
- Speaker #0
Yes. I feel like I'm dressed like a Reese's Kit Kat.
- Speaker #1
Yes. You were saying that before we started. So that was pretty funny. But, um. We can definitely see you over there.
- Speaker #0
State. Okay. You can see me?
- Speaker #1
I can see you.
- Speaker #0
Well, you're the one who picked up Black Pan.
- Speaker #1
Bright and clear. It's all good. We're not going to fight about it, right? Because that's... Okay, well, we're talking about fights, so I was making the segue into the fights.
- Speaker #0
It's you trying to be a rave person.
- Speaker #1
That's right.
- Speaker #0
Okay.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. So we're talking about why fights never end. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
The same stuff over and over again.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
That's a very common theme.
- Speaker #1
I think so.
- Speaker #0
Especially with people who are like, I know one of the things of bringing up, that's the reason why we broke up because you always did this. Or that's the reason why we're not together because you never, you know, and you, it's this unresolved cycle. I'm always telling you this, this unresolved cycle of, you know.
- Speaker #1
find arguments with things you guys never bring resolution or agree to yes and i felt actually felt that way i'm like we've already been through this like this is not a new topic for us what's specifically name it exactly your honor you know i didn't want to share everything with everyone what do you want to share okay no i have thought that before a lot of it is Like in the beginning, you know, 10 years ago, where it was like some of the communication barriers we were working through. I'm like, we've already talked about this. And either, like you said, we haven't fully resolved it or it's coming back up again. Or you, I'll say you, you might have brought like the same type of issue. To our discussion, I'm like, we have already talked about this. Like, obviously, I'm not doing what you need me to do or whatever it may be. But I'm like, this is not a new thing for us. And I think that's I mean, we don't really go from like brand new. All of a sudden we're, you know, talking about something we've never had an issue with ever before in our relationship. Do you like just something random like that we start fighting about? Like, I feel like it is kind of always generally the same underlying.
- Speaker #0
Yeah, I guess.
- Speaker #1
The same underlying.
- Speaker #0
Trying to figure it out because you may do something that I don't like. Correct. And that might rub my skin a little bit.
- Speaker #1
Correct.
- Speaker #0
But it's not like, I don't know if it's an underlying tone.
- Speaker #1
I didn't say a tone. I'm just saying like.
- Speaker #0
Underlining theme.
- Speaker #1
again the last major thing that happened was many many moons ago and that was when i felt disrespected with jayden in the car and i feel like you kind of exactly you didn't feel like i did what you wanted me to do i'm like no not that's like what i wanted you to do that's
- Speaker #0
a recurring thing yes i felt like you did not Have my back in that moment. It's not what I want you to do. It's what I feel like you should do. Okay.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
Yes.
- Speaker #1
So I feel like it's nothing new. Like, do you feel like that's never happened before? You've never felt disrespected? It was just this one random time?
- Speaker #0
Very little. I feel like you give a lot of respect. I feel like. Um, you honor and you grant a lot of respect. So I don't normally or generally feel disrespected. It's not a whole lot.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
Which I'm very grateful for. Now, thank you.
- Speaker #1
And I didn't feel like I disrespected you. I felt it was the issue was, um, the lack of communication, like in that moment of what had happened. So I felt like it was more of the. This is kind of what I need and I didn't get it type of type of talking. So let's talk about why some underlying issues or some people like to phrase it fights, arguments, disagreements, whatever it might be. We've talked before that it's more you can have a disagreement. We're just not an argument. And a fight is definitely not needed.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. Okay. I won't be difficult. I'll play along.
- Speaker #1
You can be difficult.
- Speaker #0
No. So two things. Yes. An argument is we've got raised tones. We've got some heated, maybe some name calling, maybe some insults. Yeah. We've moved away from disagreeing. It's okay to disagree. Okay. You know?
- Speaker #1
Like right now.
- Speaker #0
I'm not really disagreeing. Okay. I can disagree if you want me to. No. You may think. we definitely disagree about food but you know i'm trying to think of you know we we were talking about redoing our office to be our closet and i kind of wanted to do it a little bit sooner you were thinking more about waiting it wasn't a big disagreement we were kind of not seeing eyeball but You're like, okay, well, I'll do it. I'm like, well, I kind of want to get it all done now. Right. You know, the Lord was like, well, how about this? The shipment can't come in. So you'll be waiting.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
But little minor things like that. So yes, a disagreement is okay. Argument, not okay. But to your point, yes, a lot of times there's an underlining toner. There's things about your spouse. And this is what I heard. That was so great. Is that marriage is not the wedding. Everybody focuses on the wedding and the bouquet and the dress and the groom's colors and the bridesmaid colors and the venue and the photographer, the DJ and all that stuff. That's not marriage.
- Speaker #1
Correct.
- Speaker #0
Marriage is day to day life, but marriage is the things that I don't like about you. Okay. You don't like about me. Okay. They never change. Are you going to accept that? That's marriage. Those things. There's things about you that, you know, kind of like sometimes will irk me. Right. There's things about me that are going to irk you. So those things probably are they going to change? And we've talked about this on the podcast. People are who they are. They is who they is. Right. You kind of grow. But because those things don't change, there can be underlining issues. Yeah. And so if you don't work to resolve those, both individually and then.
- Speaker #1
together,
- Speaker #0
they're going to always come up. They're going to always be this underlying theme of if it's disrespect or unloved or unheard or that's really the issue. It's not that he went outside and went for a walk and didn't tell you, like you just don't trust him. You don't trust him because, and let's, let's lay the three Y's deep and let's get to the root because that's the real issue, not what happened. Um, another quote that was said, uh, love, um, is that unresolved issues buried alive, never die. So if you just kind of sweep things under the rug and not really deal with it, it's going to come back up or you think, oh, well, we get married. That'll fix it. No, that's going to make it work. Magnify it. Right. Or if we get a child that he'll, he'll change then. No, that's not going to fix it. Right. Right. And so it's... Stop sweeping the issue and like deal with it take time to like talk it through Here's what's going on. Here's how I feel. Here's how it affects me not you you you you you but here's here's how this impacts my life and how can we work to resolve this.
- Speaker #1
And that goes along with one of the main reasons why our title was Why Fights Never Die, right? Yeah. And so you're saying that really there's unresolved issues. And so there might be a surface level problem that comes up that you are going to start that. disagreement with your spouse over, but really it's like a deeper issue. Like you said, it's either the trust or whatever that deeper issue is. It's going to pop off because, you know, you left the last, the dishes in the sink or whatever. That's not really not right. Right.
- Speaker #0
You feel like you probably feel unheard or you feel disrespected too.
- Speaker #1
Like I've asked you not to do that. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
It's not the dish. Right. And we got this big DEFCON World War V reaction.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
from dishes and he's like a dish right or um even with the breakup you've seen that movie with vince vaughn and um i probably have but i'm not a movie person i don't remember movies after i watch them they're they're gone okay so they're having this the main big fight in the in the in the beginning of the movie and he she's like i i want you to do the dishes and he's like why would i want why would I do dishes? She's like, I want you to want to do dishes. He's like, why would I want to want to do dishes? And she's like, you didn't bring me the lemons. And she, he's like, if you would have brought me the, if I would have known you would got upset about this, I would have brought you the whole lemon stand. Yeah. She's like, that's not the point. It's that you don't listen. I tell you to do things and you don't remember. And I feel like you're not putting me first. That was the really.
- Speaker #1
Right. Right. So little things that pop up, we have to understand and realize that, especially if it's the other person reacting in that moment, like, hey, let me try to figure out what's really bothering him or what's really causing this struggle between us. Because once you resolve that, that's going to help in the future to hopefully not have this cycle continue over and over and over again.
- Speaker #0
Yeah, we've got. unforgiveness. We've got past hurts that have been unresolved, unresolved needs, you know, trauma, childhood things. And we've got to resolve these things because they'll bleed over into your current relationship that can damage, you know, your partner as because of things that we have unresolved as well as again, within the relationship, have we actually talked things through. Do we have resolution of this? And in a conversation, you need to say, have we cleared all this up? Is there anything else that we need to talk about? Is there anything else that you need to say? What else? What else? And keep asking what else until it stops. Yeah. And she might keep going, you know, you know, but what else and what else? And hear it until it's all out.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
And get it resolved. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself in this loop. And maybe it comes up, but now there's less frequency because we've really gotten to the root and now we're getting healing. But the scripture says in Deuteronomy 2, and think about this, because the children of Israel, because of their disobedience, were put in an unresolved issue. They had to wander the wilderness 40 years. And so, guys, in Deuteronomy, you've been going around in circles in these hills long enough. Go north. Command the people you're about to cut through the land. And so that verse I wanted to speak to because you've got to get. clear hearing from God and get clear direction to get out of the cycle. You've got to come and let's get into the word of God together. And let's, you know, I really feel like we've had, we, we keep going through this and I need you to trust me. Yeah. So what, what is it that we need to do for you to trust? We've got to get, we've got to break through this. And maybe at that point it's bringing in some spiritual counseling, getting some prayer. Because we've got to get through this, right? Or, hey, how do we tackle this fear? You know, or she, you know, you may be nervous about the bills and the finances and the budget because of the job or whatever it is, you know, so you've been responding out of fear. Yeah. And not really telling and you can't do your hug. Exactly. Like, hey, I'm afraid. Yeah. But you've been kind of snappy.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
So we got, we got to talk about those things.
- Speaker #1
Right. So. Really, the focus I hear you saying is to work towards understanding versus winning. So it's not about I need to prove my point. I need to get my truth across. Right. We need to work towards understanding. And I really like the clarifying questions part of it is you have to ask your spouse, especially if they're not already. Talking to you. Yeah. Like telling you all this stuff. It's really important, especially, you know, different personalities need sometimes the other person to step up and ask that question or ask, like, how can I how can we understand each other better? Or this is what I'm hearing you say. We say that a lot. Like, is that correct? And work. And like you said, keep asking over and over until you get to hopefully the root cause. And then you can work from there.
- Speaker #0
Yeah, you got you got it. dig around and you got to dig deep and dig digging deep listen to this digging deep takes special tools so you can't get to the root of your spouse without a special tool and that takes care that takes craft not getting there with the way you've been approaching it yeah so it takes a different approach of communication in order to really root that out so that you don't keep coming back to the same cycle of we keep talking about this or here we go again. Or this is going, you know, and then that frustration. And there's that resentment and that outward frustration of that, because we have not got to deal with it. Don't be afraid of it. We've, we've told our children, Hey, and have this conversation. Let the set, set the, the open line. We've been with our children. Hey, you can come to me and talk to me about anything. Even if you think it's going to hurt me, if you think it's going to upset me, if you think whatever reaction you are feeling, I want you to eliminate that and talk to me. I would rather you come tell me and talk to me than hold it in or go somewhere else. And that opens the door for traps and for deception and for tearing away. We're here. So tell yourself, I'm here. Yeah. And no matter what. And let's have that conversation or have that open line of, of, of, and also be, be, and this is where it means being a leader as a spouse, as a husband saying, like, I really sense that this really is the issue,
- Speaker #1
right?
- Speaker #0
This is the cause of this because of having that spiritual discernment and saying, let's, let's talk about this. How do you feel about this? How was this as a child? Or how was this? Or, you know, in a previous relationship? Yeah. Did this happen? Okay. And then talk through it and get through it. Well, here's what I'm doing. Yeah. And how else can I support this? And, you know, and will it get to it?
- Speaker #1
Yeah, because in that way, you're prioritizing the relationship over you just being right. And setting that tone. I know you mentioned the example, like with our kids. It's super. helpful if you can do that for your spouse. Like if you're already in that place, you're learning these things through this podcast or things that we talk about. If you're able to do that and set that for your spouse, that's going to be extremely helpful. They might need a little extra time because even us telling our kids that I can see that we tell them that, but I can also see like in the moment they might still be like, Oh, I'm going to get in trouble. So that like they're still learning and working through that. So you can't expect perfection from your spouse either. So if you have something,
- Speaker #0
we really got to take authority over and stop demanding perfection. Stop expecting perfection. Yeah. We are humans and we are still flawed. Yeah. In our righteousness state, we still are flawed. Yeah. And we have to be renewed though the outward man perish. The inward man is renewed day by day. And so we've got to put on the mind of Christ every single day. And our flesh is still getting it together. That's right. Sunday, you know, your spirit's perfect, but your flesh, your soul is still getting saved on a day-to-day base, right? So those are some of the things that we wanted to share with you today. But if you're having this constant cycle, man, we're praying for you. We're here for you. So feel free to email us at high at okavacompany.com. We'd love to pray with you. And I agree with you that you won't see a repetitive cycle of the same issues over and over, but that there will be resolution. You can and you will see progress and the next steps. You want to see growth in your relationship, not just the same status quo. So, again, send us a message, comment below or hiokavencompany.com because Jen and I, we exist for you. We've got a great, great resource that will also help you that will cost you nothing. We want to put tools in your hand that will help you again. communicate in your relationship. This is called five connection habits for busy couples. And this is one thing you can do. It's five things that take five minutes, literally 25 minutes throughout your day. But they're habit forming that you can start doing to really bring you guys together and help facilitate these conversations.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, there are things you can do, habits to start doing so that you can start. Yeah, it's not like a to-do list to make sure you do this every single day on the hour, every hour type of thing. But just those habits and rhythms you can start getting into to make sure that you are connecting with your spouse. Because when we don't put that intentional effort into our relationship, it can easily drift away. We can get consumed with other things and that connection doesn't remain strong. So this habit. Actually has a habit tracker as well. I was going to say this habit tracker and guide is free to you. So you can download it today and see what those connection habits are. They have a sample prayer for each one as well. So you're praying over your spouse. Just some bonus tips as well. But these are really great habits to just start weaving in your normal day to day and week to week living.
- Speaker #0
I find the more you pour positive into your relationship, the. It flushes out the negative. And so as you start and start doing these habits, for instance, like writing a little love note, I'll give you one little.
- Speaker #1
He's giving a spoiler.
- Speaker #0
Right. That's going to again facilitate the more the more love I express, then the more for you, because women are communicating in the currency of love, the more trust that's going to build. The more honor that's going to build.
- Speaker #1
Yes.
- Speaker #0
The more openness and receptiveness of heart that's going to build. And that's going to start pushing and flushing away some of this other stuff that was in there. We still got to deal with it. Yes. But it opens up the doorway for those things to happen and builds it up.
- Speaker #1
Yes. And for me, it also makes me more resilient for when things do arise and we do have to work through conflict or there is a disagreement. when you have those connections and those are so strong. is way easier to work through a problem that comes up or, you know, something that happened that you was unexpected conflict. Then if you don't have those connections and now you're dealing with that on top of a relationship, that's really not intertwined so closely together.
- Speaker #0
You want to go to oakhavencompany.com slash five habits, or of course, for your convenience, you can easily scroll through the show notes and tap it. It'll take you right there, take you maybe 15, 30 seconds. Download it, again, it's absolutely free. Beautiful PDF, I think it's like 10 pages, along with these bonus habit trackers. It helps you, again, begin to get in the rhythm of doing these things, of love expressions to your spouse, and you will begin to see some immediate change and positive, positive impact in your relationship when you start doing things that actually means something. So little things make a huge impact. Again, oakhavencompany.com slash five habits. Get it today. Don't put it on pause right now. Scroll down and get it. Don't wait. It's free to you. And we would greatly appreciate it. We're here for you. Thanks again for watching, for tuning in, for listening. We value you. We're here for you. And we're along with you. Remember, wisdom builds the house. See you next week.
