105 | STOP Trying to Fix Your Partner! Personality vs Character | Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Description

Can people really change in a Christian marriage? Or are will some things always be the same? In this episode of Home to Haven, we’re breaking down the difference between personality and character and why understanding both is key to a healthier relationship.

If you’ve ever wondered whether change is possible, or struggled with how different you and your spouse can be, this episode will help you reframe your mindset and deepen your connection.

🎁 Bonus Resource: Download our FREE workbook — 30 Questions to Spark Growth & Conversation in Your Marriage:

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Are you and your spouse or partner clashing because your personalities aren't exactly meshing? Well, today we're going to tell you why personality doesn't matter. It's character that makes all the difference. Find out what we mean right now.
Speaker #1
So we have been talking a lot about communication. That's what we're all... all about here at Oak Haven. And we are going to talk about how to get past some personality traits, why personality might not matter as much as character, why it's important to know the difference, and how that influences communication and the questions you ask and answer to each other. Right.
Speaker #0
That's right. A lot of people look at personality and personality is important. And a lot of times I'll hear, well, we just don't click.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or there wasn't a spark. We've talked about a spark. And so personality is what a person is like, right? So it's a character is who they are. Okay. Character you can develop in. Right. Personality will not change.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Now, personality is going to be things like, for you, you're more introverted. You are not going to be someone who paints their nails five colors with patterns and polka dots and have big hoop earrings and body glitter, right? Am I right?
Speaker #1
Right. I was going to say I'm not flashy at all. You're not flashy. Very low key.
Speaker #0
Very low key, muted, solid colors. So that's personality. Okay. Jennifer, it's not going to change. Okay. She can come out of her comfort zone. For instance, when I first met her, I never saw her in a color called orange. It was gray, blue,
Speaker #1
brown. This is actually the first orange shirt I've ever worn.
Speaker #0
And, you know, there's all these personality tests, Myers-Briggs.
Speaker #1
Yes, all of these.
Speaker #0
All of these personalities, we do them at, I've done them for work, I've done them for clients. And it works out where the analytical people are brown, blues, beige, and red, right? Okay. They don't like bold stuff. Right. And so we have these personality things. So that's not going to change. They are who they are. So I'm saying all this, I'm running my mouth, because if you are dating and you are with someone and you're trying to change them, which is wrong, you can't change someone, you're not going to change personality. They are who they are, who they are. You either accept it and love them or you don't. and it doesn't work.
Speaker #1
And you move on.
Speaker #0
And you move on.
Speaker #1
Right. So you would say that personality is that ingrained in a person so it's not going to change over time? Or do you think a person's personality can change? It's just not going to be you changing it.
Speaker #0
So the scripture says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So we are products of our environment, part of that. So part of we have influence from our parents, from our family members, schools we went to. The crowd, the environments that we are in our upbringing help shape who we are as a human being, as an individual. I do not believe your personality is going to change. You can grow.
Speaker #1
Right, you can definitely grow.
Speaker #0
And you can stretch in some areas, but you're going to always get back to your default of who you are. Okay. You are who you are, who you are, who you are. Okay. That's how God made you. Okay. Character. You develop in character. Okay. And And character is what really matters. You want to align in character. If I'm dating you or married to you, we need to align in character more so than personality. Okay. Okay? So what's character? We find it in Galatians 5 and 22. The fruit, the production, the proof of the Holy Spirit at work in you is love and joy. Absolutely. Peace and patience and kindness and goodness. Those things, that's what character development is. So who are you as a woman? Well, you're someone who's dependable. You're someone who's prompt. You're someone who is reliable. You're someone who is faithful. You are someone who has a giving heart. You are someone who is very humble. And you are someone who is very caring, right? I'm talking about her character, right? I'm not describing her personality. So character are the building blocks, the pillars, the anchors. that holds a relationship together, that holds someone together. And if we are aligned in character, we're going to stand the test of time.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for a personality trait. It's not necessarily something you grow and develop, but character traits, you're saying you can. So you may start off completely impatient, right? Because patience is a character trait versus describing somebody's personality. Well, you can describe me as patient, but that would be a character trait versus my personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker #0
You know, because how, why do I say that? Because in Ephesians 4, 23, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, right? And so we grow in grace. We go from faith to faith, right? And so, and the Bible talks about from grace to grace. And so Galatians 5, we just said it, the fruit of the Spirit. So the proof of the God's Spirit at work in me, the Holy Spirit at work in me, is that I have these traits, these character traits of the fruit, right? And so the more I get in filled with the Holy Spirit, the more I spend time in God's presence, the more I yield and allow that. Death to self, that crucifixion with Christ, right? My way, Lord, but your will be done. The more we do that, then the more he fills us, the more of God's character gets in us because he's all of that. He has his people beyond measure. So the more I want to fill me, well, the more patient I am, the more loving I am, the more caring I am, the more gentle I am, the more long-suffering I am, right? And the more of that comes out of me versus that old stuff that... Nicky-nacky ugly stuff.
Speaker #1
Right, absolutely. So let's talk about how personality and character relates to a relationship. So you mentioned briefly if you're dating somebody, you are essentially testing or observing, right, the things you see as you go along in that dating journey. So you have the opportunity, like you said, oh, our personalities match and I love her character, so let's continue. Now, if you're already married to somebody, you're not just going to say, I don't like your personality. I'm out. Right. But how would you approach those personality differences? So you probably know their personality, I would hope, as you marry them. So a personality trait might be that they're super competitive. Now that you're in a marriage, you don't. you're not really liking that competitiveness but is that something that you should be judging them on versus well are they still being honest are they still being caring you gotta judge them based upon character right because character falls upon the word of god you know if someone is very very hyper competitive and
Speaker #0
you know you guys are playing uno and it's like dude right chill it out right it's uno all right hey that's how they're wired right Maybe they're in sales or maybe they're, you know, that's who.
Speaker #1
Now, is that right or wrong? Like, is it right or wrong to have the personality trait of being competitive or being extroverted or being super adventurous?
Speaker #0
No, there's nothing wrong. That's how God wired you. And he gave you those traits to fulfill a specific task and to fulfill the purpose he called you to. You got to know when to dial it down. Right. So maybe you got to develop in some balance. Right. But the fact that you are competitive. It's going to work to your advantage when it comes to whatever it is he's called you to.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And the fact that you are analytical, you know, it works to whatever he's called you to. Maybe sometimes you've got to learn how to be more flexible, be more spontaneous, right? So working through those things can create some difficulties and can create some disagreements. But it's remembering we align in character. Again, prayerfully, you're aligning character. And so you're demonstrating what that long suffering, you're demonstrating that grace, you're demonstrating that gentleness, one for another. And you are walking through the steps that we've talked about, about communication and the styles of communication. You're taking these things we're giving you and you're implementing those and getting better and better and better. And a sweet communication is not clashing, is not rah, rah, rah, finger pointing. putting one another down. There's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.
Speaker #1
Right. So every personality trait can also have good character traits, right? So you can be, if we're going back to introverted, so you can be introverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit, right? And you can also be extroverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit. So like Terrell mentioned, God has created you uniquely. He fearfully and wonderfully made you to be you. And so It's okay to be super competitive as long as you're showing the fruits of the spirit. Because if not, then you got to analyze or figure out what's the issue there.
Speaker #0
One of the most important things if we're bringing it into how this applies to your relationship is having a conversation and talking through here are my personality traits and here are my character traits. Here are where we're different. Here's where we are alike. Right. Here's where we align. Here's where we need more alignment. Right. And talking through that and having really deep, meaningful, uplifting conversations around that. Okay. So when I do this, what do you need me to do? And when I'm getting a little bit too competitive, how do I, what's my code word? You know, what are some things?
Speaker #1
How can you help me?
Speaker #0
Can you help me with that? Right. It's talking through those things. Right. Because sometimes the person may not have the knowledge, and that's why you're in their life. Right. They might not even know that I'm taking it one step too high. Right. And so that's going to help them at home. It's going to also help them outside the home. So have those conversations.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Ask questions.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That pertains to their personality. Ask questions that pertain to their character so you learn more, you gain more. insight right hold it all bottled up right and don't be afraid to share and show who you are you want someone who loves you for who you are and you don't have to put on some false face a hundred percent that's that's the ultimate goal is to be able to be yourself yeah in that relationship and just
Speaker #1
within that relationship just speaking of us I think it's super interesting especially when we started dating that we're like we are so similar Right. Like as we were in those first few months of dating, we're like, wow, we have so much in common. We both like this. We both do things like this. And then as you grow with that person, you do also realize we're completely opposites in some ways. So in any relationship, you're going to have things in common. You're going to have things completely opposite, whether that be personality. It should be the same character wise, but personalities could be opposite.
Speaker #0
Well, in Genesis, I believe it is. 3, not Genesis 3, excuse me, Genesis, I believe it is 1, 26, 2, that second chapter as well, God talks about how it's not good that the man's alone, or mankind is alone. I'm going to give him a helpmate, someone who is suitable for him. And help meet, helpmate was, if you look it up in the Hebrew, it's a mirror. So it's a mirrored image. God's going to give you someone who's just like you, but also your opposite. So you think about in Photoshop, if you have an image and you do mirror, it reverses it. Or if you're on your iPhone, you can mirror the image so your words aren't backwards on Facebook or Instagram Live. So your mirrored image, they're going to reflect, you reflect me. You are just like me, but you're also the exact opposite of me in so many ways and so many other ways you're like me. So you want to also have those traits and look for that as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now when we're talking about... Character traits. We're ultimately looking for biblical.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent.
Speaker #1
Biblical traits. You know, we're not just pulling these out of anywhere. What happens to be, you know, trendy at the moment. So we're finding things like, you know, being honest, having integrity, having compassion, being able to forgive, having that self-control, ultimately being able to love. And we find those throughout scripture and just being in scripture, right? and praying and being in the word is what. It's what's going to bring that up to your attention.
Speaker #0
That's how you develop in those character traits. If you want to develop more integrity, if you want to develop more in patience, you want to develop more in honesty, it's getting in God's Word, reading those scriptures, letting it marinate and sit and sizzle and speak in your heart and ponder those throughout the day, and you develop more and more into those traits. I want to go back and speak because I feel someone is listening, ladies or gentlemen, but especially the ladies. You don't have to change who you are to please him or to get him or to get his attention. You don't have to change your hair color or your eye color. Right. Or, you know, if I'm more like this or if he were like me. No, no. You be you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Be who God made you to be. You be proud of that. You accept that and fully embrace that because the person God has for you is going to love you for you. And you won't have to change anything. Right. And they will embrace it. They're going to celebrate. Well, I mean, people think that I'm quirky or people, you know, I was on a date one time with Boone Girl. And so I was on a date with Boone Girl. And we went, I was just being myself. I think I was skipping or making some kind of, I don't know. I was being Terrell. And she made some comment about like, I didn't like this. Or you.
Speaker #1
A lot of people will say you're too whatever.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. you're too loud yeah too quiet you're too again you fill in the blank and you think well okay i'm gonna tone that down i'm gonna change that you can be fully who you are And the person God has for you is going to celebrate that. They're going to love that. They're going to think that's awesome. And that's how you know they're your person. So, again, you can grow in character. You can be flexible in your personality. You know, do you want to be loud 24-7? Maybe. Maybe not. You know? But you learn how to balance and you learn how to grow and how to facilitate those things. But, again, the person God has for you, you're not going to have to compromise. or change who you are to fit them, they're going to fit you, and you're going to fit them together.
Speaker #1
That's right. God made you, you, and God made that person, them, so that you two could come together and fulfill another purpose, being in a relationship and a marriage. That's right. That he has for you. Now, to really dive deep into the personality and the character questions, we have a couple resources for you. You can start off with our free download. 30 questions to get to know your partner. This is great if you're dating, but also if you're already in a marriage, you've been married for years. These 30 questions in three different categories, you can go through with your partner, really make sure you're in alignment. You may think you know the answer to these questions.
Speaker #0
Might be shocked.
Speaker #1
But you may not. And especially if you've been together for a while and you talked about it, you know, three years ago and it's never resurfaced, you may not know where they stand currently.
Speaker #0
You know, one of the most. Greatest mistake you can make is to stop learning. Right. And you think you know. And then you start taking them for granted because, yeah, I got that or I know that.
Speaker #1
And you assume things.
Speaker #0
You assume. Right. Very, very good. So it's always good to revisit, refresh because you are constantly growing and returning.
Speaker #1
You should be.
Speaker #0
You are changing. You should be. And so I need to check in with you. Hey, is that still the same way? Right. Where are you with this today? Right. Where are you with it now? And so you have 30 questions to know your partner. It's a great resource for you. It's absolutely free. Again, free. It costs you nothing. All you got to do is click the link in the description below and get it free download. It'll take you there, put your email address in, and you will absolutely love that. Also, for you on our email subscribers, you guys are awesome. It's great content. We send you only one email, I promise you, and it's once a week we send you one email. It's full of great,
Speaker #1
inspiring encouragement.
Speaker #0
It's something very simple for you throughout your week. You can take with you, implement. or just we're here to champion you we're here to encourage you you also get the free um or the first whether the first look to anything that happens with us in okay then you're the first to know exclusive content exclusive discount codes exclusive product releases comes to our email subscribers first so make sure you do that um again you can do it below or oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Finally, if you want to go even deeper. okay you know what oh my god i got the greatest questions let's tell them let's tell them it's too much okay it's it's too good let's love i want more more more more 180 questions how about that so 180 questions in six different categories now actually these are the 180 questions we asked one another when we were dating oh actually i asked you because i came up with them okay so i had some too you had a lot of questions we asked one another because it was it's very very important so we have a course We have done over two and a half hours of content, video-wise, self-paced. It takes you step-by-step everything you need to know to function and flow, to get to know your partner, get together on a deeper, more intimate level. This is it. And we walk you through first, the first two modules are all about why ask questions, why that's important, how to ask questions, what you should be looking for, especially if you are dating. This is really key. And also if you're married, but that's a key. It's a 51 page workbook. You want to go through that?
Speaker #1
Cause sure. It has all the questions listed out. Like Terrell said, the six categories, all the questions, which is really helping you communicate ultimately with your partner. Exactly. There's spaces to assess your relationship. There's spaces to have goals for your relationship. It goes through financial aspects, character aspects,
Speaker #0
financial character, spiritual. fun and informative vision and leadership. And I forgot the sixth one. I'm so sorry, guys. But that's most of the categories. And 30 questions in each of those six categories to pick 180. So you want to go to learn.ogavencompany.com and click on 180 questions. Or the link is also for your community in the description below. It's absolutely awesome. Not just saying that there's really good content in there. will be... So glad we did that. Again, it's a self-paced course. Yes. Yes. It can, you can take a week. You can take three months, six months, whatever long it takes you to get through it. But you'll be glad to get to go to learn.okcompany.com. We truly. Have a blast. I hang out with you. Thank you for spending your time with us throughout the week. We hope to see you next week. And remember, communicate love, honor, and respect. We'll see you next week.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

If you’ve ever wondered whether change is possible, or struggled with how different you and your spouse can be, this episode will help you reframe your mindset and deepen your connection.

🎁 Bonus Resource: Download our FREE workbook — 30 Questions to Spark Growth & Conversation in Your Marriage:

💛 Follow, rate, and review for more Christian marriage conversations, practical tools, and real talk.

Join the Community!

Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication.

https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Be Social

Instagram: https://instagram.com/OakhavenCompany

Facebook: https://fb.com/OakhavenCompany

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@oakhavencompany

Follow on TikTok: https://tiktok.com/OakhavenCompany

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Are you and your spouse or partner clashing because your personalities aren't exactly meshing? Well, today we're going to tell you why personality doesn't matter. It's character that makes all the difference. Find out what we mean right now.
Speaker #1
So we have been talking a lot about communication. That's what we're all... all about here at Oak Haven. And we are going to talk about how to get past some personality traits, why personality might not matter as much as character, why it's important to know the difference, and how that influences communication and the questions you ask and answer to each other. Right.
Speaker #0
That's right. A lot of people look at personality and personality is important. And a lot of times I'll hear, well, we just don't click.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or there wasn't a spark. We've talked about a spark. And so personality is what a person is like, right? So it's a character is who they are. Okay. Character you can develop in. Right. Personality will not change.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Now, personality is going to be things like, for you, you're more introverted. You are not going to be someone who paints their nails five colors with patterns and polka dots and have big hoop earrings and body glitter, right? Am I right?
Speaker #1
Right. I was going to say I'm not flashy at all. You're not flashy. Very low key.
Speaker #0
Very low key, muted, solid colors. So that's personality. Okay. Jennifer, it's not going to change. Okay. She can come out of her comfort zone. For instance, when I first met her, I never saw her in a color called orange. It was gray, blue,
Speaker #1
brown. This is actually the first orange shirt I've ever worn.
Speaker #0
And, you know, there's all these personality tests, Myers-Briggs.
Speaker #1
Yes, all of these.
Speaker #0
All of these personalities, we do them at, I've done them for work, I've done them for clients. And it works out where the analytical people are brown, blues, beige, and red, right? Okay. They don't like bold stuff. Right. And so we have these personality things. So that's not going to change. They are who they are. So I'm saying all this, I'm running my mouth, because if you are dating and you are with someone and you're trying to change them, which is wrong, you can't change someone, you're not going to change personality. They are who they are, who they are. You either accept it and love them or you don't. and it doesn't work.
Speaker #1
And you move on.
Speaker #0
And you move on.
Speaker #1
Right. So you would say that personality is that ingrained in a person so it's not going to change over time? Or do you think a person's personality can change? It's just not going to be you changing it.
Speaker #0
So the scripture says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So we are products of our environment, part of that. So part of we have influence from our parents, from our family members, schools we went to. The crowd, the environments that we are in our upbringing help shape who we are as a human being, as an individual. I do not believe your personality is going to change. You can grow.
Speaker #1
Right, you can definitely grow.
Speaker #0
And you can stretch in some areas, but you're going to always get back to your default of who you are. Okay. You are who you are, who you are, who you are. Okay. That's how God made you. Okay. Character. You develop in character. Okay. And And character is what really matters. You want to align in character. If I'm dating you or married to you, we need to align in character more so than personality. Okay. Okay? So what's character? We find it in Galatians 5 and 22. The fruit, the production, the proof of the Holy Spirit at work in you is love and joy. Absolutely. Peace and patience and kindness and goodness. Those things, that's what character development is. So who are you as a woman? Well, you're someone who's dependable. You're someone who's prompt. You're someone who is reliable. You're someone who is faithful. You are someone who has a giving heart. You are someone who is very humble. And you are someone who is very caring, right? I'm talking about her character, right? I'm not describing her personality. So character are the building blocks, the pillars, the anchors. that holds a relationship together, that holds someone together. And if we are aligned in character, we're going to stand the test of time.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for a personality trait. It's not necessarily something you grow and develop, but character traits, you're saying you can. So you may start off completely impatient, right? Because patience is a character trait versus describing somebody's personality. Well, you can describe me as patient, but that would be a character trait versus my personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker #0
You know, because how, why do I say that? Because in Ephesians 4, 23, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, right? And so we grow in grace. We go from faith to faith, right? And so, and the Bible talks about from grace to grace. And so Galatians 5, we just said it, the fruit of the Spirit. So the proof of the God's Spirit at work in me, the Holy Spirit at work in me, is that I have these traits, these character traits of the fruit, right? And so the more I get in filled with the Holy Spirit, the more I spend time in God's presence, the more I yield and allow that. Death to self, that crucifixion with Christ, right? My way, Lord, but your will be done. The more we do that, then the more he fills us, the more of God's character gets in us because he's all of that. He has his people beyond measure. So the more I want to fill me, well, the more patient I am, the more loving I am, the more caring I am, the more gentle I am, the more long-suffering I am, right? And the more of that comes out of me versus that old stuff that... Nicky-nacky ugly stuff.
Speaker #1
Right, absolutely. So let's talk about how personality and character relates to a relationship. So you mentioned briefly if you're dating somebody, you are essentially testing or observing, right, the things you see as you go along in that dating journey. So you have the opportunity, like you said, oh, our personalities match and I love her character, so let's continue. Now, if you're already married to somebody, you're not just going to say, I don't like your personality. I'm out. Right. But how would you approach those personality differences? So you probably know their personality, I would hope, as you marry them. So a personality trait might be that they're super competitive. Now that you're in a marriage, you don't. you're not really liking that competitiveness but is that something that you should be judging them on versus well are they still being honest are they still being caring you gotta judge them based upon character right because character falls upon the word of god you know if someone is very very hyper competitive and
Speaker #0
you know you guys are playing uno and it's like dude right chill it out right it's uno all right hey that's how they're wired right Maybe they're in sales or maybe they're, you know, that's who.
Speaker #1
Now, is that right or wrong? Like, is it right or wrong to have the personality trait of being competitive or being extroverted or being super adventurous?
Speaker #0
No, there's nothing wrong. That's how God wired you. And he gave you those traits to fulfill a specific task and to fulfill the purpose he called you to. You got to know when to dial it down. Right. So maybe you got to develop in some balance. Right. But the fact that you are competitive. It's going to work to your advantage when it comes to whatever it is he's called you to.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And the fact that you are analytical, you know, it works to whatever he's called you to. Maybe sometimes you've got to learn how to be more flexible, be more spontaneous, right? So working through those things can create some difficulties and can create some disagreements. But it's remembering we align in character. Again, prayerfully, you're aligning character. And so you're demonstrating what that long suffering, you're demonstrating that grace, you're demonstrating that gentleness, one for another. And you are walking through the steps that we've talked about, about communication and the styles of communication. You're taking these things we're giving you and you're implementing those and getting better and better and better. And a sweet communication is not clashing, is not rah, rah, rah, finger pointing. putting one another down. There's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.
Speaker #1
Right. So every personality trait can also have good character traits, right? So you can be, if we're going back to introverted, so you can be introverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit, right? And you can also be extroverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit. So like Terrell mentioned, God has created you uniquely. He fearfully and wonderfully made you to be you. And so It's okay to be super competitive as long as you're showing the fruits of the spirit. Because if not, then you got to analyze or figure out what's the issue there.
Speaker #0
One of the most important things if we're bringing it into how this applies to your relationship is having a conversation and talking through here are my personality traits and here are my character traits. Here are where we're different. Here's where we are alike. Right. Here's where we align. Here's where we need more alignment. Right. And talking through that and having really deep, meaningful, uplifting conversations around that. Okay. So when I do this, what do you need me to do? And when I'm getting a little bit too competitive, how do I, what's my code word? You know, what are some things?
Speaker #1
How can you help me?
Speaker #0
Can you help me with that? Right. It's talking through those things. Right. Because sometimes the person may not have the knowledge, and that's why you're in their life. Right. They might not even know that I'm taking it one step too high. Right. And so that's going to help them at home. It's going to also help them outside the home. So have those conversations.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Ask questions.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That pertains to their personality. Ask questions that pertain to their character so you learn more, you gain more. insight right hold it all bottled up right and don't be afraid to share and show who you are you want someone who loves you for who you are and you don't have to put on some false face a hundred percent that's that's the ultimate goal is to be able to be yourself yeah in that relationship and just
Speaker #1
within that relationship just speaking of us I think it's super interesting especially when we started dating that we're like we are so similar Right. Like as we were in those first few months of dating, we're like, wow, we have so much in common. We both like this. We both do things like this. And then as you grow with that person, you do also realize we're completely opposites in some ways. So in any relationship, you're going to have things in common. You're going to have things completely opposite, whether that be personality. It should be the same character wise, but personalities could be opposite.
Speaker #0
Well, in Genesis, I believe it is. 3, not Genesis 3, excuse me, Genesis, I believe it is 1, 26, 2, that second chapter as well, God talks about how it's not good that the man's alone, or mankind is alone. I'm going to give him a helpmate, someone who is suitable for him. And help meet, helpmate was, if you look it up in the Hebrew, it's a mirror. So it's a mirrored image. God's going to give you someone who's just like you, but also your opposite. So you think about in Photoshop, if you have an image and you do mirror, it reverses it. Or if you're on your iPhone, you can mirror the image so your words aren't backwards on Facebook or Instagram Live. So your mirrored image, they're going to reflect, you reflect me. You are just like me, but you're also the exact opposite of me in so many ways and so many other ways you're like me. So you want to also have those traits and look for that as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now when we're talking about... Character traits. We're ultimately looking for biblical.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent.
Speaker #1
Biblical traits. You know, we're not just pulling these out of anywhere. What happens to be, you know, trendy at the moment. So we're finding things like, you know, being honest, having integrity, having compassion, being able to forgive, having that self-control, ultimately being able to love. And we find those throughout scripture and just being in scripture, right? and praying and being in the word is what. It's what's going to bring that up to your attention.
Speaker #0
That's how you develop in those character traits. If you want to develop more integrity, if you want to develop more in patience, you want to develop more in honesty, it's getting in God's Word, reading those scriptures, letting it marinate and sit and sizzle and speak in your heart and ponder those throughout the day, and you develop more and more into those traits. I want to go back and speak because I feel someone is listening, ladies or gentlemen, but especially the ladies. You don't have to change who you are to please him or to get him or to get his attention. You don't have to change your hair color or your eye color. Right. Or, you know, if I'm more like this or if he were like me. No, no. You be you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Be who God made you to be. You be proud of that. You accept that and fully embrace that because the person God has for you is going to love you for you. And you won't have to change anything. Right. And they will embrace it. They're going to celebrate. Well, I mean, people think that I'm quirky or people, you know, I was on a date one time with Boone Girl. And so I was on a date with Boone Girl. And we went, I was just being myself. I think I was skipping or making some kind of, I don't know. I was being Terrell. And she made some comment about like, I didn't like this. Or you.
Speaker #1
A lot of people will say you're too whatever.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. you're too loud yeah too quiet you're too again you fill in the blank and you think well okay i'm gonna tone that down i'm gonna change that you can be fully who you are And the person God has for you is going to celebrate that. They're going to love that. They're going to think that's awesome. And that's how you know they're your person. So, again, you can grow in character. You can be flexible in your personality. You know, do you want to be loud 24-7? Maybe. Maybe not. You know? But you learn how to balance and you learn how to grow and how to facilitate those things. But, again, the person God has for you, you're not going to have to compromise. or change who you are to fit them, they're going to fit you, and you're going to fit them together.
Speaker #1
That's right. God made you, you, and God made that person, them, so that you two could come together and fulfill another purpose, being in a relationship and a marriage. That's right. That he has for you. Now, to really dive deep into the personality and the character questions, we have a couple resources for you. You can start off with our free download. 30 questions to get to know your partner. This is great if you're dating, but also if you're already in a marriage, you've been married for years. These 30 questions in three different categories, you can go through with your partner, really make sure you're in alignment. You may think you know the answer to these questions.
Speaker #0
Might be shocked.
Speaker #1
But you may not. And especially if you've been together for a while and you talked about it, you know, three years ago and it's never resurfaced, you may not know where they stand currently.
Speaker #0
You know, one of the most. Greatest mistake you can make is to stop learning. Right. And you think you know. And then you start taking them for granted because, yeah, I got that or I know that.
Speaker #1
And you assume things.
Speaker #0
You assume. Right. Very, very good. So it's always good to revisit, refresh because you are constantly growing and returning.
Speaker #1
You should be.
Speaker #0
You are changing. You should be. And so I need to check in with you. Hey, is that still the same way? Right. Where are you with this today? Right. Where are you with it now? And so you have 30 questions to know your partner. It's a great resource for you. It's absolutely free. Again, free. It costs you nothing. All you got to do is click the link in the description below and get it free download. It'll take you there, put your email address in, and you will absolutely love that. Also, for you on our email subscribers, you guys are awesome. It's great content. We send you only one email, I promise you, and it's once a week we send you one email. It's full of great,
Speaker #1
inspiring encouragement.
Speaker #0
It's something very simple for you throughout your week. You can take with you, implement. or just we're here to champion you we're here to encourage you you also get the free um or the first whether the first look to anything that happens with us in okay then you're the first to know exclusive content exclusive discount codes exclusive product releases comes to our email subscribers first so make sure you do that um again you can do it below or oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Finally, if you want to go even deeper. okay you know what oh my god i got the greatest questions let's tell them let's tell them it's too much okay it's it's too good let's love i want more more more more 180 questions how about that so 180 questions in six different categories now actually these are the 180 questions we asked one another when we were dating oh actually i asked you because i came up with them okay so i had some too you had a lot of questions we asked one another because it was it's very very important so we have a course We have done over two and a half hours of content, video-wise, self-paced. It takes you step-by-step everything you need to know to function and flow, to get to know your partner, get together on a deeper, more intimate level. This is it. And we walk you through first, the first two modules are all about why ask questions, why that's important, how to ask questions, what you should be looking for, especially if you are dating. This is really key. And also if you're married, but that's a key. It's a 51 page workbook. You want to go through that?
Speaker #1
Cause sure. It has all the questions listed out. Like Terrell said, the six categories, all the questions, which is really helping you communicate ultimately with your partner. Exactly. There's spaces to assess your relationship. There's spaces to have goals for your relationship. It goes through financial aspects, character aspects,
Speaker #0
financial character, spiritual. fun and informative vision and leadership. And I forgot the sixth one. I'm so sorry, guys. But that's most of the categories. And 30 questions in each of those six categories to pick 180. So you want to go to learn.ogavencompany.com and click on 180 questions. Or the link is also for your community in the description below. It's absolutely awesome. Not just saying that there's really good content in there. will be... So glad we did that. Again, it's a self-paced course. Yes. Yes. It can, you can take a week. You can take three months, six months, whatever long it takes you to get through it. But you'll be glad to get to go to learn.okcompany.com. We truly. Have a blast. I hang out with you. Thank you for spending your time with us throughout the week. We hope to see you next week. And remember, communicate love, honor, and respect. We'll see you next week.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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If you’ve ever wondered whether change is possible, or struggled with how different you and your spouse can be, this episode will help you reframe your mindset and deepen your connection.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Are you and your spouse or partner clashing because your personalities aren't exactly meshing? Well, today we're going to tell you why personality doesn't matter. It's character that makes all the difference. Find out what we mean right now.
Speaker #1
So we have been talking a lot about communication. That's what we're all... all about here at Oak Haven. And we are going to talk about how to get past some personality traits, why personality might not matter as much as character, why it's important to know the difference, and how that influences communication and the questions you ask and answer to each other. Right.
Speaker #0
That's right. A lot of people look at personality and personality is important. And a lot of times I'll hear, well, we just don't click.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or there wasn't a spark. We've talked about a spark. And so personality is what a person is like, right? So it's a character is who they are. Okay. Character you can develop in. Right. Personality will not change.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Now, personality is going to be things like, for you, you're more introverted. You are not going to be someone who paints their nails five colors with patterns and polka dots and have big hoop earrings and body glitter, right? Am I right?
Speaker #1
Right. I was going to say I'm not flashy at all. You're not flashy. Very low key.
Speaker #0
Very low key, muted, solid colors. So that's personality. Okay. Jennifer, it's not going to change. Okay. She can come out of her comfort zone. For instance, when I first met her, I never saw her in a color called orange. It was gray, blue,
Speaker #1
brown. This is actually the first orange shirt I've ever worn.
Speaker #0
And, you know, there's all these personality tests, Myers-Briggs.
Speaker #1
Yes, all of these.
Speaker #0
All of these personalities, we do them at, I've done them for work, I've done them for clients. And it works out where the analytical people are brown, blues, beige, and red, right? Okay. They don't like bold stuff. Right. And so we have these personality things. So that's not going to change. They are who they are. So I'm saying all this, I'm running my mouth, because if you are dating and you are with someone and you're trying to change them, which is wrong, you can't change someone, you're not going to change personality. They are who they are, who they are. You either accept it and love them or you don't. and it doesn't work.
Speaker #1
And you move on.
Speaker #0
And you move on.
Speaker #1
Right. So you would say that personality is that ingrained in a person so it's not going to change over time? Or do you think a person's personality can change? It's just not going to be you changing it.
Speaker #0
So the scripture says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So we are products of our environment, part of that. So part of we have influence from our parents, from our family members, schools we went to. The crowd, the environments that we are in our upbringing help shape who we are as a human being, as an individual. I do not believe your personality is going to change. You can grow.
Speaker #1
Right, you can definitely grow.
Speaker #0
And you can stretch in some areas, but you're going to always get back to your default of who you are. Okay. You are who you are, who you are, who you are. Okay. That's how God made you. Okay. Character. You develop in character. Okay. And And character is what really matters. You want to align in character. If I'm dating you or married to you, we need to align in character more so than personality. Okay. Okay? So what's character? We find it in Galatians 5 and 22. The fruit, the production, the proof of the Holy Spirit at work in you is love and joy. Absolutely. Peace and patience and kindness and goodness. Those things, that's what character development is. So who are you as a woman? Well, you're someone who's dependable. You're someone who's prompt. You're someone who is reliable. You're someone who is faithful. You are someone who has a giving heart. You are someone who is very humble. And you are someone who is very caring, right? I'm talking about her character, right? I'm not describing her personality. So character are the building blocks, the pillars, the anchors. that holds a relationship together, that holds someone together. And if we are aligned in character, we're going to stand the test of time.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for a personality trait. It's not necessarily something you grow and develop, but character traits, you're saying you can. So you may start off completely impatient, right? Because patience is a character trait versus describing somebody's personality. Well, you can describe me as patient, but that would be a character trait versus my personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker #0
You know, because how, why do I say that? Because in Ephesians 4, 23, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, right? And so we grow in grace. We go from faith to faith, right? And so, and the Bible talks about from grace to grace. And so Galatians 5, we just said it, the fruit of the Spirit. So the proof of the God's Spirit at work in me, the Holy Spirit at work in me, is that I have these traits, these character traits of the fruit, right? And so the more I get in filled with the Holy Spirit, the more I spend time in God's presence, the more I yield and allow that. Death to self, that crucifixion with Christ, right? My way, Lord, but your will be done. The more we do that, then the more he fills us, the more of God's character gets in us because he's all of that. He has his people beyond measure. So the more I want to fill me, well, the more patient I am, the more loving I am, the more caring I am, the more gentle I am, the more long-suffering I am, right? And the more of that comes out of me versus that old stuff that... Nicky-nacky ugly stuff.
Speaker #1
Right, absolutely. So let's talk about how personality and character relates to a relationship. So you mentioned briefly if you're dating somebody, you are essentially testing or observing, right, the things you see as you go along in that dating journey. So you have the opportunity, like you said, oh, our personalities match and I love her character, so let's continue. Now, if you're already married to somebody, you're not just going to say, I don't like your personality. I'm out. Right. But how would you approach those personality differences? So you probably know their personality, I would hope, as you marry them. So a personality trait might be that they're super competitive. Now that you're in a marriage, you don't. you're not really liking that competitiveness but is that something that you should be judging them on versus well are they still being honest are they still being caring you gotta judge them based upon character right because character falls upon the word of god you know if someone is very very hyper competitive and
Speaker #0
you know you guys are playing uno and it's like dude right chill it out right it's uno all right hey that's how they're wired right Maybe they're in sales or maybe they're, you know, that's who.
Speaker #1
Now, is that right or wrong? Like, is it right or wrong to have the personality trait of being competitive or being extroverted or being super adventurous?
Speaker #0
No, there's nothing wrong. That's how God wired you. And he gave you those traits to fulfill a specific task and to fulfill the purpose he called you to. You got to know when to dial it down. Right. So maybe you got to develop in some balance. Right. But the fact that you are competitive. It's going to work to your advantage when it comes to whatever it is he's called you to.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And the fact that you are analytical, you know, it works to whatever he's called you to. Maybe sometimes you've got to learn how to be more flexible, be more spontaneous, right? So working through those things can create some difficulties and can create some disagreements. But it's remembering we align in character. Again, prayerfully, you're aligning character. And so you're demonstrating what that long suffering, you're demonstrating that grace, you're demonstrating that gentleness, one for another. And you are walking through the steps that we've talked about, about communication and the styles of communication. You're taking these things we're giving you and you're implementing those and getting better and better and better. And a sweet communication is not clashing, is not rah, rah, rah, finger pointing. putting one another down. There's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.
Speaker #1
Right. So every personality trait can also have good character traits, right? So you can be, if we're going back to introverted, so you can be introverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit, right? And you can also be extroverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit. So like Terrell mentioned, God has created you uniquely. He fearfully and wonderfully made you to be you. And so It's okay to be super competitive as long as you're showing the fruits of the spirit. Because if not, then you got to analyze or figure out what's the issue there.
Speaker #0
One of the most important things if we're bringing it into how this applies to your relationship is having a conversation and talking through here are my personality traits and here are my character traits. Here are where we're different. Here's where we are alike. Right. Here's where we align. Here's where we need more alignment. Right. And talking through that and having really deep, meaningful, uplifting conversations around that. Okay. So when I do this, what do you need me to do? And when I'm getting a little bit too competitive, how do I, what's my code word? You know, what are some things?
Speaker #1
How can you help me?
Speaker #0
Can you help me with that? Right. It's talking through those things. Right. Because sometimes the person may not have the knowledge, and that's why you're in their life. Right. They might not even know that I'm taking it one step too high. Right. And so that's going to help them at home. It's going to also help them outside the home. So have those conversations.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Ask questions.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That pertains to their personality. Ask questions that pertain to their character so you learn more, you gain more. insight right hold it all bottled up right and don't be afraid to share and show who you are you want someone who loves you for who you are and you don't have to put on some false face a hundred percent that's that's the ultimate goal is to be able to be yourself yeah in that relationship and just
Speaker #1
within that relationship just speaking of us I think it's super interesting especially when we started dating that we're like we are so similar Right. Like as we were in those first few months of dating, we're like, wow, we have so much in common. We both like this. We both do things like this. And then as you grow with that person, you do also realize we're completely opposites in some ways. So in any relationship, you're going to have things in common. You're going to have things completely opposite, whether that be personality. It should be the same character wise, but personalities could be opposite.
Speaker #0
Well, in Genesis, I believe it is. 3, not Genesis 3, excuse me, Genesis, I believe it is 1, 26, 2, that second chapter as well, God talks about how it's not good that the man's alone, or mankind is alone. I'm going to give him a helpmate, someone who is suitable for him. And help meet, helpmate was, if you look it up in the Hebrew, it's a mirror. So it's a mirrored image. God's going to give you someone who's just like you, but also your opposite. So you think about in Photoshop, if you have an image and you do mirror, it reverses it. Or if you're on your iPhone, you can mirror the image so your words aren't backwards on Facebook or Instagram Live. So your mirrored image, they're going to reflect, you reflect me. You are just like me, but you're also the exact opposite of me in so many ways and so many other ways you're like me. So you want to also have those traits and look for that as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now when we're talking about... Character traits. We're ultimately looking for biblical.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent.
Speaker #1
Biblical traits. You know, we're not just pulling these out of anywhere. What happens to be, you know, trendy at the moment. So we're finding things like, you know, being honest, having integrity, having compassion, being able to forgive, having that self-control, ultimately being able to love. And we find those throughout scripture and just being in scripture, right? and praying and being in the word is what. It's what's going to bring that up to your attention.
Speaker #0
That's how you develop in those character traits. If you want to develop more integrity, if you want to develop more in patience, you want to develop more in honesty, it's getting in God's Word, reading those scriptures, letting it marinate and sit and sizzle and speak in your heart and ponder those throughout the day, and you develop more and more into those traits. I want to go back and speak because I feel someone is listening, ladies or gentlemen, but especially the ladies. You don't have to change who you are to please him or to get him or to get his attention. You don't have to change your hair color or your eye color. Right. Or, you know, if I'm more like this or if he were like me. No, no. You be you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Be who God made you to be. You be proud of that. You accept that and fully embrace that because the person God has for you is going to love you for you. And you won't have to change anything. Right. And they will embrace it. They're going to celebrate. Well, I mean, people think that I'm quirky or people, you know, I was on a date one time with Boone Girl. And so I was on a date with Boone Girl. And we went, I was just being myself. I think I was skipping or making some kind of, I don't know. I was being Terrell. And she made some comment about like, I didn't like this. Or you.
Speaker #1
A lot of people will say you're too whatever.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. you're too loud yeah too quiet you're too again you fill in the blank and you think well okay i'm gonna tone that down i'm gonna change that you can be fully who you are And the person God has for you is going to celebrate that. They're going to love that. They're going to think that's awesome. And that's how you know they're your person. So, again, you can grow in character. You can be flexible in your personality. You know, do you want to be loud 24-7? Maybe. Maybe not. You know? But you learn how to balance and you learn how to grow and how to facilitate those things. But, again, the person God has for you, you're not going to have to compromise. or change who you are to fit them, they're going to fit you, and you're going to fit them together.
Speaker #1
That's right. God made you, you, and God made that person, them, so that you two could come together and fulfill another purpose, being in a relationship and a marriage. That's right. That he has for you. Now, to really dive deep into the personality and the character questions, we have a couple resources for you. You can start off with our free download. 30 questions to get to know your partner. This is great if you're dating, but also if you're already in a marriage, you've been married for years. These 30 questions in three different categories, you can go through with your partner, really make sure you're in alignment. You may think you know the answer to these questions.
Speaker #0
Might be shocked.
Speaker #1
But you may not. And especially if you've been together for a while and you talked about it, you know, three years ago and it's never resurfaced, you may not know where they stand currently.
Speaker #0
You know, one of the most. Greatest mistake you can make is to stop learning. Right. And you think you know. And then you start taking them for granted because, yeah, I got that or I know that.
Speaker #1
And you assume things.
Speaker #0
You assume. Right. Very, very good. So it's always good to revisit, refresh because you are constantly growing and returning.
Speaker #1
You should be.
Speaker #0
You are changing. You should be. And so I need to check in with you. Hey, is that still the same way? Right. Where are you with this today? Right. Where are you with it now? And so you have 30 questions to know your partner. It's a great resource for you. It's absolutely free. Again, free. It costs you nothing. All you got to do is click the link in the description below and get it free download. It'll take you there, put your email address in, and you will absolutely love that. Also, for you on our email subscribers, you guys are awesome. It's great content. We send you only one email, I promise you, and it's once a week we send you one email. It's full of great,
Speaker #1
inspiring encouragement.
Speaker #0
It's something very simple for you throughout your week. You can take with you, implement. or just we're here to champion you we're here to encourage you you also get the free um or the first whether the first look to anything that happens with us in okay then you're the first to know exclusive content exclusive discount codes exclusive product releases comes to our email subscribers first so make sure you do that um again you can do it below or oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Finally, if you want to go even deeper. okay you know what oh my god i got the greatest questions let's tell them let's tell them it's too much okay it's it's too good let's love i want more more more more 180 questions how about that so 180 questions in six different categories now actually these are the 180 questions we asked one another when we were dating oh actually i asked you because i came up with them okay so i had some too you had a lot of questions we asked one another because it was it's very very important so we have a course We have done over two and a half hours of content, video-wise, self-paced. It takes you step-by-step everything you need to know to function and flow, to get to know your partner, get together on a deeper, more intimate level. This is it. And we walk you through first, the first two modules are all about why ask questions, why that's important, how to ask questions, what you should be looking for, especially if you are dating. This is really key. And also if you're married, but that's a key. It's a 51 page workbook. You want to go through that?
Speaker #1
Cause sure. It has all the questions listed out. Like Terrell said, the six categories, all the questions, which is really helping you communicate ultimately with your partner. Exactly. There's spaces to assess your relationship. There's spaces to have goals for your relationship. It goes through financial aspects, character aspects,
Speaker #0
financial character, spiritual. fun and informative vision and leadership. And I forgot the sixth one. I'm so sorry, guys. But that's most of the categories. And 30 questions in each of those six categories to pick 180. So you want to go to learn.ogavencompany.com and click on 180 questions. Or the link is also for your community in the description below. It's absolutely awesome. Not just saying that there's really good content in there. will be... So glad we did that. Again, it's a self-paced course. Yes. Yes. It can, you can take a week. You can take three months, six months, whatever long it takes you to get through it. But you'll be glad to get to go to learn.okcompany.com. We truly. Have a blast. I hang out with you. Thank you for spending your time with us throughout the week. We hope to see you next week. And remember, communicate love, honor, and respect. We'll see you next week.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

If you’ve ever wondered whether change is possible, or struggled with how different you and your spouse can be, this episode will help you reframe your mindset and deepen your connection.

🎁 Bonus Resource: Download our FREE workbook — 30 Questions to Spark Growth & Conversation in Your Marriage:

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Are you and your spouse or partner clashing because your personalities aren't exactly meshing? Well, today we're going to tell you why personality doesn't matter. It's character that makes all the difference. Find out what we mean right now.
Speaker #1
So we have been talking a lot about communication. That's what we're all... all about here at Oak Haven. And we are going to talk about how to get past some personality traits, why personality might not matter as much as character, why it's important to know the difference, and how that influences communication and the questions you ask and answer to each other. Right.
Speaker #0
That's right. A lot of people look at personality and personality is important. And a lot of times I'll hear, well, we just don't click.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or there wasn't a spark. We've talked about a spark. And so personality is what a person is like, right? So it's a character is who they are. Okay. Character you can develop in. Right. Personality will not change.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Now, personality is going to be things like, for you, you're more introverted. You are not going to be someone who paints their nails five colors with patterns and polka dots and have big hoop earrings and body glitter, right? Am I right?
Speaker #1
Right. I was going to say I'm not flashy at all. You're not flashy. Very low key.
Speaker #0
Very low key, muted, solid colors. So that's personality. Okay. Jennifer, it's not going to change. Okay. She can come out of her comfort zone. For instance, when I first met her, I never saw her in a color called orange. It was gray, blue,
Speaker #1
brown. This is actually the first orange shirt I've ever worn.
Speaker #0
And, you know, there's all these personality tests, Myers-Briggs.
Speaker #1
Yes, all of these.
Speaker #0
All of these personalities, we do them at, I've done them for work, I've done them for clients. And it works out where the analytical people are brown, blues, beige, and red, right? Okay. They don't like bold stuff. Right. And so we have these personality things. So that's not going to change. They are who they are. So I'm saying all this, I'm running my mouth, because if you are dating and you are with someone and you're trying to change them, which is wrong, you can't change someone, you're not going to change personality. They are who they are, who they are. You either accept it and love them or you don't. and it doesn't work.
Speaker #1
And you move on.
Speaker #0
And you move on.
Speaker #1
Right. So you would say that personality is that ingrained in a person so it's not going to change over time? Or do you think a person's personality can change? It's just not going to be you changing it.
Speaker #0
So the scripture says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So we are products of our environment, part of that. So part of we have influence from our parents, from our family members, schools we went to. The crowd, the environments that we are in our upbringing help shape who we are as a human being, as an individual. I do not believe your personality is going to change. You can grow.
Speaker #1
Right, you can definitely grow.
Speaker #0
And you can stretch in some areas, but you're going to always get back to your default of who you are. Okay. You are who you are, who you are, who you are. Okay. That's how God made you. Okay. Character. You develop in character. Okay. And And character is what really matters. You want to align in character. If I'm dating you or married to you, we need to align in character more so than personality. Okay. Okay? So what's character? We find it in Galatians 5 and 22. The fruit, the production, the proof of the Holy Spirit at work in you is love and joy. Absolutely. Peace and patience and kindness and goodness. Those things, that's what character development is. So who are you as a woman? Well, you're someone who's dependable. You're someone who's prompt. You're someone who is reliable. You're someone who is faithful. You are someone who has a giving heart. You are someone who is very humble. And you are someone who is very caring, right? I'm talking about her character, right? I'm not describing her personality. So character are the building blocks, the pillars, the anchors. that holds a relationship together, that holds someone together. And if we are aligned in character, we're going to stand the test of time.
Speaker #1
That's right. So for a personality trait. It's not necessarily something you grow and develop, but character traits, you're saying you can. So you may start off completely impatient, right? Because patience is a character trait versus describing somebody's personality. Well, you can describe me as patient, but that would be a character trait versus my personality trait. Yeah.
Speaker #0
You know, because how, why do I say that? Because in Ephesians 4, 23, be renewed in the spirit of your mind, right? And so we grow in grace. We go from faith to faith, right? And so, and the Bible talks about from grace to grace. And so Galatians 5, we just said it, the fruit of the Spirit. So the proof of the God's Spirit at work in me, the Holy Spirit at work in me, is that I have these traits, these character traits of the fruit, right? And so the more I get in filled with the Holy Spirit, the more I spend time in God's presence, the more I yield and allow that. Death to self, that crucifixion with Christ, right? My way, Lord, but your will be done. The more we do that, then the more he fills us, the more of God's character gets in us because he's all of that. He has his people beyond measure. So the more I want to fill me, well, the more patient I am, the more loving I am, the more caring I am, the more gentle I am, the more long-suffering I am, right? And the more of that comes out of me versus that old stuff that... Nicky-nacky ugly stuff.
Speaker #1
Right, absolutely. So let's talk about how personality and character relates to a relationship. So you mentioned briefly if you're dating somebody, you are essentially testing or observing, right, the things you see as you go along in that dating journey. So you have the opportunity, like you said, oh, our personalities match and I love her character, so let's continue. Now, if you're already married to somebody, you're not just going to say, I don't like your personality. I'm out. Right. But how would you approach those personality differences? So you probably know their personality, I would hope, as you marry them. So a personality trait might be that they're super competitive. Now that you're in a marriage, you don't. you're not really liking that competitiveness but is that something that you should be judging them on versus well are they still being honest are they still being caring you gotta judge them based upon character right because character falls upon the word of god you know if someone is very very hyper competitive and
Speaker #0
you know you guys are playing uno and it's like dude right chill it out right it's uno all right hey that's how they're wired right Maybe they're in sales or maybe they're, you know, that's who.
Speaker #1
Now, is that right or wrong? Like, is it right or wrong to have the personality trait of being competitive or being extroverted or being super adventurous?
Speaker #0
No, there's nothing wrong. That's how God wired you. And he gave you those traits to fulfill a specific task and to fulfill the purpose he called you to. You got to know when to dial it down. Right. So maybe you got to develop in some balance. Right. But the fact that you are competitive. It's going to work to your advantage when it comes to whatever it is he's called you to.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And the fact that you are analytical, you know, it works to whatever he's called you to. Maybe sometimes you've got to learn how to be more flexible, be more spontaneous, right? So working through those things can create some difficulties and can create some disagreements. But it's remembering we align in character. Again, prayerfully, you're aligning character. And so you're demonstrating what that long suffering, you're demonstrating that grace, you're demonstrating that gentleness, one for another. And you are walking through the steps that we've talked about, about communication and the styles of communication. You're taking these things we're giving you and you're implementing those and getting better and better and better. And a sweet communication is not clashing, is not rah, rah, rah, finger pointing. putting one another down. There's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.
Speaker #1
Right. So every personality trait can also have good character traits, right? So you can be, if we're going back to introverted, so you can be introverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit, right? And you can also be extroverted and have all the fruits of the Spirit. So like Terrell mentioned, God has created you uniquely. He fearfully and wonderfully made you to be you. And so It's okay to be super competitive as long as you're showing the fruits of the spirit. Because if not, then you got to analyze or figure out what's the issue there.
Speaker #0
One of the most important things if we're bringing it into how this applies to your relationship is having a conversation and talking through here are my personality traits and here are my character traits. Here are where we're different. Here's where we are alike. Right. Here's where we align. Here's where we need more alignment. Right. And talking through that and having really deep, meaningful, uplifting conversations around that. Okay. So when I do this, what do you need me to do? And when I'm getting a little bit too competitive, how do I, what's my code word? You know, what are some things?
Speaker #1
How can you help me?
Speaker #0
Can you help me with that? Right. It's talking through those things. Right. Because sometimes the person may not have the knowledge, and that's why you're in their life. Right. They might not even know that I'm taking it one step too high. Right. And so that's going to help them at home. It's going to also help them outside the home. So have those conversations.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Ask questions.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
That pertains to their personality. Ask questions that pertain to their character so you learn more, you gain more. insight right hold it all bottled up right and don't be afraid to share and show who you are you want someone who loves you for who you are and you don't have to put on some false face a hundred percent that's that's the ultimate goal is to be able to be yourself yeah in that relationship and just
Speaker #1
within that relationship just speaking of us I think it's super interesting especially when we started dating that we're like we are so similar Right. Like as we were in those first few months of dating, we're like, wow, we have so much in common. We both like this. We both do things like this. And then as you grow with that person, you do also realize we're completely opposites in some ways. So in any relationship, you're going to have things in common. You're going to have things completely opposite, whether that be personality. It should be the same character wise, but personalities could be opposite.
Speaker #0
Well, in Genesis, I believe it is. 3, not Genesis 3, excuse me, Genesis, I believe it is 1, 26, 2, that second chapter as well, God talks about how it's not good that the man's alone, or mankind is alone. I'm going to give him a helpmate, someone who is suitable for him. And help meet, helpmate was, if you look it up in the Hebrew, it's a mirror. So it's a mirrored image. God's going to give you someone who's just like you, but also your opposite. So you think about in Photoshop, if you have an image and you do mirror, it reverses it. Or if you're on your iPhone, you can mirror the image so your words aren't backwards on Facebook or Instagram Live. So your mirrored image, they're going to reflect, you reflect me. You are just like me, but you're also the exact opposite of me in so many ways and so many other ways you're like me. So you want to also have those traits and look for that as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now when we're talking about... Character traits. We're ultimately looking for biblical.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent.
Speaker #1
Biblical traits. You know, we're not just pulling these out of anywhere. What happens to be, you know, trendy at the moment. So we're finding things like, you know, being honest, having integrity, having compassion, being able to forgive, having that self-control, ultimately being able to love. And we find those throughout scripture and just being in scripture, right? and praying and being in the word is what. It's what's going to bring that up to your attention.
Speaker #0
That's how you develop in those character traits. If you want to develop more integrity, if you want to develop more in patience, you want to develop more in honesty, it's getting in God's Word, reading those scriptures, letting it marinate and sit and sizzle and speak in your heart and ponder those throughout the day, and you develop more and more into those traits. I want to go back and speak because I feel someone is listening, ladies or gentlemen, but especially the ladies. You don't have to change who you are to please him or to get him or to get his attention. You don't have to change your hair color or your eye color. Right. Or, you know, if I'm more like this or if he were like me. No, no. You be you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
Be who God made you to be. You be proud of that. You accept that and fully embrace that because the person God has for you is going to love you for you. And you won't have to change anything. Right. And they will embrace it. They're going to celebrate. Well, I mean, people think that I'm quirky or people, you know, I was on a date one time with Boone Girl. And so I was on a date with Boone Girl. And we went, I was just being myself. I think I was skipping or making some kind of, I don't know. I was being Terrell. And she made some comment about like, I didn't like this. Or you.
Speaker #1
A lot of people will say you're too whatever.
Speaker #0
Right. Right. you're too loud yeah too quiet you're too again you fill in the blank and you think well okay i'm gonna tone that down i'm gonna change that you can be fully who you are And the person God has for you is going to celebrate that. They're going to love that. They're going to think that's awesome. And that's how you know they're your person. So, again, you can grow in character. You can be flexible in your personality. You know, do you want to be loud 24-7? Maybe. Maybe not. You know? But you learn how to balance and you learn how to grow and how to facilitate those things. But, again, the person God has for you, you're not going to have to compromise. or change who you are to fit them, they're going to fit you, and you're going to fit them together.
Speaker #1
That's right. God made you, you, and God made that person, them, so that you two could come together and fulfill another purpose, being in a relationship and a marriage. That's right. That he has for you. Now, to really dive deep into the personality and the character questions, we have a couple resources for you. You can start off with our free download. 30 questions to get to know your partner. This is great if you're dating, but also if you're already in a marriage, you've been married for years. These 30 questions in three different categories, you can go through with your partner, really make sure you're in alignment. You may think you know the answer to these questions.
Speaker #0
Might be shocked.
Speaker #1
But you may not. And especially if you've been together for a while and you talked about it, you know, three years ago and it's never resurfaced, you may not know where they stand currently.
Speaker #0
You know, one of the most. Greatest mistake you can make is to stop learning. Right. And you think you know. And then you start taking them for granted because, yeah, I got that or I know that.
Speaker #1
And you assume things.
Speaker #0
You assume. Right. Very, very good. So it's always good to revisit, refresh because you are constantly growing and returning.
Speaker #1
You should be.
Speaker #0
You are changing. You should be. And so I need to check in with you. Hey, is that still the same way? Right. Where are you with this today? Right. Where are you with it now? And so you have 30 questions to know your partner. It's a great resource for you. It's absolutely free. Again, free. It costs you nothing. All you got to do is click the link in the description below and get it free download. It'll take you there, put your email address in, and you will absolutely love that. Also, for you on our email subscribers, you guys are awesome. It's great content. We send you only one email, I promise you, and it's once a week we send you one email. It's full of great,
Speaker #1
inspiring encouragement.
Speaker #0
It's something very simple for you throughout your week. You can take with you, implement. or just we're here to champion you we're here to encourage you you also get the free um or the first whether the first look to anything that happens with us in okay then you're the first to know exclusive content exclusive discount codes exclusive product releases comes to our email subscribers first so make sure you do that um again you can do it below or oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Finally, if you want to go even deeper. okay you know what oh my god i got the greatest questions let's tell them let's tell them it's too much okay it's it's too good let's love i want more more more more 180 questions how about that so 180 questions in six different categories now actually these are the 180 questions we asked one another when we were dating oh actually i asked you because i came up with them okay so i had some too you had a lot of questions we asked one another because it was it's very very important so we have a course We have done over two and a half hours of content, video-wise, self-paced. It takes you step-by-step everything you need to know to function and flow, to get to know your partner, get together on a deeper, more intimate level. This is it. And we walk you through first, the first two modules are all about why ask questions, why that's important, how to ask questions, what you should be looking for, especially if you are dating. This is really key. And also if you're married, but that's a key. It's a 51 page workbook. You want to go through that?
Speaker #1
Cause sure. It has all the questions listed out. Like Terrell said, the six categories, all the questions, which is really helping you communicate ultimately with your partner. Exactly. There's spaces to assess your relationship. There's spaces to have goals for your relationship. It goes through financial aspects, character aspects,
Speaker #0
financial character, spiritual. fun and informative vision and leadership. And I forgot the sixth one. I'm so sorry, guys. But that's most of the categories. And 30 questions in each of those six categories to pick 180. So you want to go to learn.ogavencompany.com and click on 180 questions. Or the link is also for your community in the description below. It's absolutely awesome. Not just saying that there's really good content in there. will be... So glad we did that. Again, it's a self-paced course. Yes. Yes. It can, you can take a week. You can take three months, six months, whatever long it takes you to get through it. But you'll be glad to get to go to learn.okcompany.com. We truly. Have a blast. I hang out with you. Thank you for spending your time with us throughout the week. We hope to see you next week. And remember, communicate love, honor, and respect. We'll see you next week.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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