Transcription

• Speaker #0

  You can live under the same roof, share responsibilities, but still be living two completely separate lives. Today, we're talking all about the difference between proximity and partnership. And by the end of the episode, you'll be able to discern whether your marriage is aligned or simply coexisting. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Come on in. Let's have a wonderful, wonderful day. It is another great week here, and we are so excited to have you. You found your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. Everyone, we are the Turners, and we are so thrilled you've joined, whether you are listening on one of the amazing platforms out there in the audio world or joining us on YouTube. Hello and thank you. If you get anything from today's episode, all we ask is you hit the thumbs up, like and subscribe and send the link to someone and let them know that there's some great content that helps, faithful content that helps people.

• Speaker #1

  Absolutely. Show us a little love. Tell us what you're liking, what you maybe are disagreeing on. We'd love to hear your comments. Love to hear your story. So keep those coming as well.

• Speaker #0

  100%. It is the most.

• Speaker #1

  unwonderful time of the year it is as we get ready to turn the dial on spring yes or turn the dial on winter and we welcome spring we welcoming pollen we don't welcome spring but spring is spring is coming the temperatures are getting warmer it's pretty hot today already i know you always say there's going to be another cool cool off time this is the fake this is fake one more uh frost uh in north carolina and then then it'll be full on then it'll be full on we got the starting yeah sneezing all that good stuff but lots of people love the spring i'm sure you know you may be some somebody out there that's loving it so comment below or or let us know what's your favorite uh season of the year yeah we love fall lots of people i feel are going to say summer and spring but we are the opposite we are fall and winter people over here we are winter is coming yeah yes game of thrones reference all right let's get into what we got on tap today all right we are talking about are we building the same life or are we just sharing a house i'm gonna try my best to stay on task today i got so much uh

• Speaker #0

  so i'll try to get sidetracked okay i'll let you lead but i probably will get okay it'll be on task all right we are going to talk about first of all just some of the signs.

• Speaker #1

  to determine if you are living parallel lives.

• Speaker #0

  Why is this so important?

• Speaker #1

  Well, it's important because we need to know where we're headed, what we're doing, instead of just letting life carry us away. Like you mentioned in the beginning, it'll bring about that drifting out of purpose, without a vision, without a point of being in a marriage, right? So we need to first determine, are we living parallel lives? So what does that really mean? There are a few signs. First of all, do we have separate goals without any shared conversation?

• Speaker #0

  Okay. Sure. Do we have shared goals?

• Speaker #1

  Do we have separate goals? Separate goals are all our goals separate, which is separate goals.

• Speaker #0

  Sure.

• Speaker #1

  But do we ever talk to each other about that?

• Speaker #0

  I'm going to correct you on that. I don't think it's okay to have separate goals. It's okay to have personal goals.

• Speaker #1

  Okay.

• Speaker #0

  But my goal should still be somewhat aligning with yours.

• Speaker #1

  Okay.

• Speaker #0

  somewhat in the in the we're moving in the same direction you might not have i don't think your goal is to lose 20 pounds that was gonna be my example right like a weight loss goal or like a diet goal a diet goal or you know it's more so personal than it is yours but it does align with maybe the whole household goal of eating clean or being healthy right being healthy right living a healthy lifestyle maybe you know cutting it back on budget you know i'm going to eat salad to you keep from going out. You know, things like that. My personal goals will align somewhat with the overall arching household goal. Right.

• Speaker #1

  Where we're headed, what we believe in. Yeah. Where we're going.

• Speaker #0

  Those core values that we've talked about in past episodes that we've talked about, you know, some of my goals are in alignment with our core values.

• Speaker #1

  Absolutely. So making sure we have goals that we are discussing. So a lot of times January comes around, you make your list. I make my list. We go about our way. We might not even... know the other person's goals or definitely not be talking about the other person's goals, supporting each other. So like you mentioned, I'm going to be working on eating salads a lot more. Do, does the other person know about that? What is their role in that? Are they just sitting on the sidelines cheering you on? Are they helping you prep salads? Like let's make this more of a shared opportunity. So that was our first sign of just having separate goals with no shared conversation. Number two is logistics are discussed more than vision. So all you're really talking about with each other is who's going to pick up dinner, who's going to sign the kids up for swim. Those are really the only conversations you're having versus the deeper conversations of what is our family vision? What is the season going to be like? What are we preparing for for spring? Like what what new things do we have coming up? How are we going to, you know, use these next 12 weeks? Like as a family.

• Speaker #0

  I thought it's pumped into my, my head here. How much would you say we talk about plans or future or vision? Like how many conversations do we have maybe a day or a week that have that sort of topic or theme throughout? What would you say?

• Speaker #1

  I say we definitely talk weekly about some type of vision or something coming up in the future or something that we're working towards, like a bigger goal than just what's for dinner tomorrow. So that is something that we talk about, I would say, on a weekly basis. How would you answer that question? Yeah,

• Speaker #0

  I would say almost daily, but definitely weekly. And I guess for you, can you explain or why that's important for you or what that does for you in our relationship when we have those conversations? Like what does that mean to you?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, well, number one, it's going to create like a shared connection, right? So, okay, I know that he has a vision. Well, actually we have a vision, but he is actually on board with that. Right. So I'm not just going about doing my own thing, but we're working on something together for me that, that just creates a deeper connection, both emotionally and mentally, which ultimately leads to connections and in other areas as well. I think that's a great foundation to have so that you're not just like, like you said, just going about the motions of day-to-day life. Going to work, taking care of the kids, taking care of the household, because that's going to fill up a lot of your time. Right. But there's a deeper meaning to being in a marriage, to having a family. And a lot of the times people are missing out on having those conversations or having those shared things that that actually point that out for them to even realize.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. This reader says in Amos 3 and 3, how can two walk together unless they are agreed? So if it's your first time listening to this podcast, thanks so much for joining us. Everything that we give you, we, based upon a fundamental foundational scripture from God's word, we believe that ultimate success for a Christian marriage or a, not really a Christian marriage, I won't say any marriage, but you've got to be a believer, is found in the word of God. And so two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement. an agreement or alignment. That's our ice machine. If you hear that in the background, sorry, I forgot to turn it off. Two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement. So you have to come align. You have to have these conversations so that you can walk together and accomplish. I'm saying that I'm not going to get too sidetracked, but we came into another show that we, we love seeing relationships and people that work and we comment and we throw notes and just. see how people are living.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, absolutely.

• Speaker #0

  So there is one particular couple, um, and this is a kind of counseling show and, the, they had been, they're married, they have children and he had not told her that he had debt and not only he's not great with finances, but not only had you not told her when he, she thought it was like, six thousand dollars correct and when he finally said how much debt it was it was like twelve thousand yeah at least a little bit more than double more than double yeah and so that's a real family real scenario and they had not had a discussion of finances where we're going where we're headed how we're going to get there and now they're having these conversations they're finding their own completely different planes yeah it was all coming out in that session he was kind of unloading,

• Speaker #1

  which was a good thing. Right. But they hadn't had those conversations, even really talking about what their overall goals for their finances were. He had a lot of hidden issues that he was dealing with of feeling insecure, not making enough money. And so he was not being open and honest and having like those authentic conversations. Like when we're talking about these conversations, it's it's not surface level stuff. Right. You need to be. completely open, honest, transparent with your partner in order to have like that full all in. This is our shared vision. This is where we're going. This is our life.

• Speaker #0

  It doesn't have to be like, you know, intense all the time.

• Speaker #1

  Well, it's not going to be intense all the time. But if you are hiding stuff.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, no, that, that, no, for sure.

• Speaker #1

  Like that's going to cause a lot of issues.

• Speaker #0

  Like just regular conversation. Like, hey.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  But that, that brought me to, oh, what was I going to say? Oh, here we go.

• Speaker #1

  Back to the show.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. It was more so.

• Speaker #1

  The same couple?

• Speaker #0

  No, it was a different couple. Okay. Oh, another couple was feeling like when he comes home, all he hears is do this, do that, do that. And it's more so like transactional conversation. And so I guess I wanted to hear from you of like, because you were talking about how conversation is more, it has to be more than logistics.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  He was picking this up, doing what chore. But like actually involving and bringing into conversation, like conversation instead of Jimmy's at three, lunch is at two, dinner's at five. We're going to show it for see you later. Yeah,

• Speaker #1

  see you later. So this was occurring when he was coming home from work, but she had been home all day with the kids. So she was just feeling overwhelmed. She has young kids. Yeah. I know that feeling. It takes a lot of. A lot of work physically, mentally, emotionally. And so she was seeing it as an opportunity. Okay, I finally have some help and some support at home. He's finally home. I just need to unload a little bit on him. He was feeling like I've worked all day. I've been out in the office. I've been grinding. I've been making money for my family. And I come home and all you want me to do is unload the dishwasher or take the kids up to play because she needs a minute. you What turned into more of like the logistical conversations, what was missing was the reason behind it. Like she had never explained, this is how I'm feeling as a stay-at-home mom. Can we work together to make a better plan so that I don't feel as stressed? And he had never talked to her about how he was feeling working and making the money and he was being the provider. They never really had those conversations, first and foremost, of what. what they were feeling and why they were in those seasons and how they were going to make that season work for their relationship as well as their family. Cause it's important to talk about, especially different seasons that you go through, how that's going to affect the relationship and how you can work together as a team to get through that season the best way that you guys can.

• Speaker #0

  So two things, the point of this conversation is that you need to have conversations. So that you're not living these completely ISO lives. And somewhere, someone's over here and someone is completely over there. And we have no idea what's going on. And that just opens the door for chaos and really for resentment. The second little thing I wanted to throw in there as a little tip is that when you do come home, if wife's at home or husband's at home all day.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  And the spouse comes in, I would recommend we just take maybe five minutes, greet one another. But then like, pause, take five minutes, decompress.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  And then, you know, let's maybe get into the rest of the day or how was your Like just take five minutes and decompress or maybe you need to decompress before you get inside the door.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Because the kids may become, you know, my kids come up, they're like, hey, daddy, And let me show you this. And it's like, whoa, whoa. So maybe, you know. take your time to maybe decompress before you walk through the door yeah or decompress before he walks through the door she walks through the door yeah so that it's not just like two trains working full steam going down the same track right that's going to cause conflict and again like you mentioned the un the unmet expectations because you've never talked about those right like you could say hey

• Speaker #1

  when you get home you know i'm in my office working i'm probably in the middle of something like, just give me a few minutes up when I come on out. That means I'm ready to talk a little bit about your day. The kids can give you hugs and stuff like that. But just don't charge into the office. Just little things like that that will really make a huge difference in how all of that goes down.

• Speaker #0

  Yep. And then just a little perspective for everyone. They're just like maturity next steps of like, hey, this is what I signed up for. When I got married and had kids, you know, kids are going to come in there. Not saying they're unruly. because again, you have to set expectations of, Hey, when daddy's doors close, please don't be making noise and acting goofy. I'm on the same time, you know, sometimes when they're running through the house. I will kind of, this may be just personal preference. I will kind of like be like, you know what? It's okay because they're kids.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  They wanted to have fun. And guess what? We have two years left and then they're teenagers.

• Speaker #1

  Right. And that's the season we're in, right? We're going to embrace it. We enjoy it. We love it. And so we're not going to focus on the negatives, right? We will focus on the positives. All right. Last sign of living parallel lives. This is one of my favorites is that the decisions you are making are reactive versus strategic. So you're just in the moment and you have to decide things because it's actually happening real time versus knowing where you're going, knowing where you're headed, having those shared goals, having the shared vision so that you can make those decisions strategically because you're not just thrown in, you know, live time. Let's make this work.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. One of the quotes that I've always stuck with me is your failure to plan should not be my emergency. Yes. At the same time, our failure to plan will create emergencies. And so as a couple, we have to plan. We also plan for emergencies and things that pop up that are unplanned. We have a plan for the unplanned, if that makes any sense, because we have a lot of things that pop up in our lives. And because of that, we have to have plans so that when the unplanned happens, hope I'm making sense, we're able to respond, able to be nimble. We're able to say, okay, we can shift this, move this here because we have certain systems in place.

• Speaker #1

  Yes.

• Speaker #0

  A good example of that might be something happens in our schedule, something shifts for the church, and we have to make a decision to or a change in our schedule on a Saturday or on a Sunday of time. Well, we have things in place that enable us to do that so that we can meet the unplanned things. if you get a something in your tire or, you know, or we had a recall on your truck.

• Speaker #1

  Yes.

• Speaker #0

  You know, we have things in place to help us with the unplanned. So it's important to come together and have these conversations and make them fun and make them interesting and interactive. You'll be, it's a good way to fall in love all over again or rekindle that love because you start finding more things out about your spouse and you're able to share, man, I'd really love to do this. Or I really, I'm passionate about this. where I I don't really like when this happens or, you know, this drains the life out of me. This takes my energy away. This gives me life. You know, so bring things around that, have those conversations, bring God into the center of that, and you will be amazed at how that really brings you into focus. And when you don't do that, that's really the foundation and the reason for other misunderstandings. And she snaps. She's not snapping because you didn't load the dishwasher. It's because she's feeling unappreciated, unvalued. And she's feeling unappreciated, unvalued because we had a conversation. She's feeling neglected and there's really more time she needs.

• Speaker #1

  Right. That emotional connection is missing.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah.

• Speaker #1

  So as you're thinking through these signs of are you living parallel lives, you can ask yourself the overall question, you know, are we building the same life?

• Speaker #0

  Okay.

• Speaker #1

  Do we have a shared life versus separate lives? Yeah. Can we come together and articulately... articulate our shared, um, like three to five year vision for our lives. Have we discussed the big things that matter? Like you were talking about before, like even finances, how our family rhythms are going to be, how our parenting is going to be our spiritual side of things. Do we have a mission as a family and then do our schedules and our calendars actually show you and reflect those shared priorities and shared goals that we do have.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. So kind of recap what you said is basically the things that we're doing in our schedule, in our day-to-day lives should be matching our goals. Right. And those goals should be shared. They should come together and they should be aligned. A great thing to do and exercise is to create a, what's called a family or a relationship purpose statement. We've talked about that many, many moons ago. Maybe we'll do another episode about that again. But a purpose statement is kind of like, you know, a company vision statement or mission statement. What is our relationship really about it? Why are we here? Why did God bring us together? And what is our purpose? So if that sounds foreign to you, don't worry. Don't panic. We've done everything for you. That's why we're in your life. That's why you're listening to here, because we want to bring value to you. So we have something that's incredible that takes the guesswork out of everything. Tell them all about it.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. So we have designed the relationship vision planner for this purpose, right? To use as a couple. Or if you're just the one sole person that's ready to take those extra steps, absolutely, you can start by yourself. But this is a planner that will walk you through these core foundational steps that we're talking about right now. It will also provide a month-to-month topic. It has date night ideas, exercises that you can do together, conversations to have, questions to reflect on, all these monthly topics that really affect a relationship. So if you're... if you say, you know, this sounds great. I would love to create a shared vision, but I don't know where to start. We have the place for you to start. So you can grab that. It is available now. I know number one question is going to be, why would I get a planner if it's not January? Right? Like I missed, did I miss, did I miss the boat? So this is an undated planner. So you can start anytime, anytime that you're ready to start that shared vision, you can grab it. Doesn't matter any time of the year. It is there for you to start today.

• Speaker #0

  Absolutely amazing. So listen, we are recording this right now in spring. And so if you're listening in the spring, there is an amazing coupon that's going on right now. If you are not listening in the spring, don't worry. Just send an email to hi at oakhavencompany.com. We'll hook you up. We'll throw some kind of coupon in there. There'll be something around usually typically that we're running some special. But we want to encourage you to go to oakhavencompany.com. the information on the screen, or if you're listening, ohavencompany.com, all the links are in the show notes and get this amazing tool and resource. It's the only one of its kind. We were looking for a devotional. We were looking for something that would help us align and help us structure, structure our lives and bring us together and plans we were having. And we couldn't find anything. So God laid it on our hearts to actually create it. So again, it's kind of like a devotional and a planner came together. That's what the relationship vision planner is. oh, so much more than that. It is literally a relationship vision planner.

• Speaker #1

  Love it. Yes. So check that out today. I'm sure you'll have more details of how to get it. You can start it today and really start working towards that shared vision and shared life because you don't want to be living those parallel lives by yourself, letting your relationship just drift to wherever it may go.

• Speaker #0

  That's right. So again, thanks so much for watching or for listening. If you got anything, make sure you give us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio review, or just throw the thumbs up and subscribe. It helps the algorithm push the videos and audio out to more people just like you so they can also hear this amazing faithful content. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next week. And remember, wisdom builds the house.