135 | Your Parents Are Not Your Spouse: Biblical Boundaries With In-Laws | Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Description

What happens when honoring your parents starts quietly working against honoring your spouse? A holiday tradition nobody questions, advice you never asked for, a parent still weighing in on decisions that belong to the two of you now.

In this episode of Home to Haven, Terrell and Jen talk about setting biblical boundaries with in-laws, what "leave and cleave" in Genesis 2:24 actually asks of a married couple, and why honoring your parents and putting your marriage first were never meant to compete. You'll walk away with a way to set boundaries together, on purpose, before the holidays force the conversation in the middle of an argument.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
What happens when honoring your father and mother starts quietly working against you honoring your spouse? This is a good one. It's going to be a holiday tradition no one will bend on. Maybe it's a parent who still calls the shots on decisions that should be yours. Maybe it's about advice that didn't ask for showing up. Or maybe it's actually them showing up to your house and they weren't invited. It's the tension that nobody names out loud. You can't honor your parent and still meet boundaries with them. And if you don't build those boundaries on purpose, they'll get built for you. Today, I'm talking all about biblical boundaries with in-laws and parents and stick around because by the end of this episode today, we have a language and a conversation you have been avoiding for years. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Hello, friend. We are so glad you have tuned in and joined us for another great episode. We are the Turners, and this is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So you can get anything from today's episode. that uplifts you, encourages you, or gives you even some instruction, all we ask in return is a like and a subscribe or a text to a friend. It really will help this content reach more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're excited to dive into this, but make sure you keep those comments coming. Let us know what you think. If you agree, disagree, we'd love to hear it either way. So keep those coming. We love to hear from everyone out there?
Speaker #0
We out. Absolutely love to hear from you. Today's episode is being brought to you by the good folks over at Oak Haven Company. They've got a brand new game called Know Me, Love Me. And if you have played the newlywed game before, it's very similar to that. You get 10 questions and you can answer that about your spouse, what you think they answered. That's right. And then they flip flop. They'll answer yours and you see who has the most points and they have the winner as super fun questions. Very fun categories. You can play together or you can text them their answers and get more points. The last four questions count double. So it's super fun.
Speaker #1
Super fun. I would definitely encourage you to try it out. It's free.
Speaker #0
It's free. No ads, no pop ups.
Speaker #1
Use it with your phone. I'm sure you're all on your phone at some point of the day. So fill out those questions. Send some back. See what your spouse sends back. You think you might know them.
Speaker #0
You think you do.
Speaker #1
But you're not going to get 100%.
Speaker #0
Let me tell you. Ooh, there's a challenge. Who can get 100%?
Speaker #1
Both of them? Oof. I don't know. I love that.
Speaker #0
I love that challenge. I love it because we did not get 100%. We did not. We did not.
Speaker #1
They're super fun questions, though. Lighthearted. You'll love it. Gets you talking. Shows you the answers. And you can be like, what? That's not right. So it's super fun. Try it out. Let us know what you think about it.
Speaker #0
OKvencompany.com slash game. Get it today. Don't need to download anything. You can play it right there on your browser. Super fun. I am excited about this episode. It's a hot button topic.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And so it is your parents aren't your spouse. So you're not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #1
Not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #0
Okay. All right.
Speaker #1
Married to you.
Speaker #0
Okay. Husband. Okay.
Speaker #1
And so there should be some boundaries is what we're saying.
Speaker #0
There should be some boundaries, we believe, and we base everything that we say upon God's word. you This can really get dicey. Yes. Because on both sides where parents sometimes overstep their boundaries and I have seen parents show up unannounced to to homes or still giving advice or making decisions or running the relationship that they really should not be making those decisions. Don't buy the car or because we gave you the money that that gives us a right. to decide which house you get, live in spouses because they have a room or because you had to move back home. Now you're in my roof. How does that work? So there's a lot of different, it really can get dicey when we're talking about parents or in-laws, especially those in-laws and how they play into a marriage. What do you say about that?
Speaker #1
Well, I'll start with family's important, right? So honoring your father and mother. There's a command in the Bible. So it's important that you are honoring your father and your mother. So your family, where you came from, who raised you, how you were brought up. However, you can still honor your parents and still have boundaries. It still may be necessary in that relationship to have boundaries. So we can talk through how that plays out. By still keeping that honoring going on and still needing to set some boundaries with our parents.
Speaker #0
Why do boundaries need to be set?
Speaker #1
Boundaries first need to be set because the parents are acting or doing something that is not in alignment with either God's word or what you have set up in your specific marriage.
Speaker #0
Okay, I'm going to say what you said. I was going to ask you, what is that? boundary or that they're crossing or how are they not responding? But you want to answer that or no?
Speaker #1
Go for it.
Speaker #0
No, I'm asking.
Speaker #1
Oh, well, we can start with you're now married.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So I don't know if you wanted to talk about the Bible verse and stuff, but you are now married. So you are in a relationship, you and one other person, and that is your marriage. Okay. Marriage is, well, also the Lord. I like to say the marriage is husband, wife, and the Lord.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
It doesn't include other people.
Speaker #0
Ooh, okay.
Speaker #1
There needs to be a tighter circle in the marriage. And then your family is a circle outside of the marriage. It's how I've heard it before as well, taught.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You're giving me a look like. No,
Speaker #0
I'm listening.
Speaker #1
And so you have now created, you've come into covenant relationship with this person and you should have a relationship that is built upon the word of God and the things that you two are deciding for your marriage. And so when you have other people speaking into that, whether or not it's your parents who should, of course, be high on that list of relationships of people you're honoring.
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
There is a boundary that they shouldn't be crossing into that marriage. So that's where I was coming from.
Speaker #0
So there's levels, whether your parents, maybe they know the Lord, maybe they don't know the Lord. You know, definitely if they are not followers of the word of God or followers of biblical principles. There should be even a higher level of boundary because they're not going to speak the same things of how you base your life and your decisions. But I want to read for your scripture. It is found in Genesis at the very, very beginning of creation, the beginning of humanity. We're just kicking this thing off. And God says in verse 24, when he makes Adam, puts him to sleep, takes the rib and makes this woman, this other version. from the man he says therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave become joined unto his wife and that's why he took the woman from the rib like you're hitched together you are one and he goes and he says it and they shall be one flesh right that's in genesis chapter two but i wanted to bring a call out because it's something that you guys may have overlooked or may not have even thought about.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
There's actually three instances where we find this verse. We find this because the Bible says, out of two or three witnesses, let every word be established. So in Genesis chapter two, again, in first Corinthians chapter six, Paul talks about it. And then in Matthew 19, Jesus echoes and he quotes Genesis. So we find three different people, Old Testament and New Testament saying. You got to leave mom and dad. So I believe this has to be a topic that's of importance because God wouldn't have had it mentioned three times if it wasn't something that was very, very heavy in relationships. And I've seen this ruin marriages because the father-in-law, like, you should not. I know your dad's probably listening, and I think he would agree. Hey, Pop. is that... You shouldn't respect your dad more than you respect me. I shouldn't take care of my mom more than I take care of you because you're my wife. And outside of Jesus, this is a relationship that I am held accountable for and should be most important. I'm not at home anymore. When I said I do, I said I do to you. And so now my responsibility comes to you, not my mom.
Speaker #1
And that's pretty deep. That's pretty heavy. I feel like some people would be a little shaken up by that. Like, wait a second.
Speaker #0
Let's go back. Let's go back just so you can hear it. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother? I know mama raised me, took me to basketball practice, and she sacrificed and blood is thicker than water. None of that's in scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? That's my own opinion. But I have to look at scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. And shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I'm not operating in unity if I'm not cleaving to you.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And now we're in disunity and that's division. And it causes and it will cause separation, withdrawal, contempt and a wall because I'm not honoring the person that God's brought into my life.
Speaker #1
Definitely cracks in the foundation. And I feel like cultures and different cultures really, really place importance on family. And so when somebody might hear that, they might take a step back and like, whoa, My parents are my priority. I'm going to take care of them. They took care of me. They come first. And our marriage can survive my parents being first. I can put aside what he may need in the moment because my parents need me.
Speaker #0
My parents will always be there. They always got my back. Whatever happens, well, now we're talking down. And now I'm pushing down this covenant relationship. Oh, so I'm going to speak deaf to my marriage. We won't work out, but my mom and dad will.
Speaker #1
Right. Or I can always go back. They got my back. They'll always be there for me no matter what. Like, why aren't you saying that about your husband or your wife? And so are we looking at the marriage covenant as important as we should? Maybe is where this is stemming from. And then also just culturally raising our family up on a pedestal more so like an idol, like that comes before anything and everything. And so it can show up in a lot of different ways. You mentioned some of them, but. Even once you're married, the discussions that are happening between us, a lot of times, how do we spend our holidays? Who do we go visit? Who are we letting, you know, help us financially? Who's giving us parenting advice?
Speaker #0
Where do the kids go? Who's keeping the kids? But definitely holidays. What traditions? And, you know, you may be driving all around the city on Thanksgiving and Christmas because as you got. Cousin Graham and Aunt Tukey and Buffalo Bill and, you know, just whoa. And we're, again, we can honor family and we can honor mom and dad and those who have been in our circle. We can do that. But at the same time, we should not allow relationships that are external to cause strife in between the one that matters the most. At the end of the day, we are not going to fight. Over where we have a tuna sandwich for Easter.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. And there may be a lot. You may be feeling a lot of pressure.
Speaker #0
That's good.
Speaker #1
From your family.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And so you feel.
Speaker #0
You used to come over. You used to call me every day. Now you married. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #1
All right.
Speaker #0
I still love you.
Speaker #1
Or to be part of this family. You come spend Easter with us. Or, you know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You're expected to be here at every birthday party or whatever it is. Every family is different. But there's those outside pressures, influences and expectations that have you ever even sat down and talked to your spouse about, you know, preferably before you get married. So, you know, before that comes into a marriage. But yeah,
Speaker #0
definitely before you hopefully you talk about that before you get married, because, again, those external factors. And it's the saying is you don't marry just the spouse, you marry the whole family. You got to give some credence to that because there's a lot of those factors that come into, especially for a guy. If the wife is honoring her dad more than me, that's you really, really want to look at that because it creates feelings of insecurity, disrespect. If you can, at the jump of the hat, your dad calls and say, I need you here and you're there. What about me?
Speaker #1
Without even a discussion.
Speaker #0
Discussion or if I ask you for something, it's like pulling dogs and cats. Right. It's backwards and your husband's going to see that and feel not loved by you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And it's something you don't want to do. You don't want to at the same time get flowers for mom, never get flowers for your wife.
Speaker #1
Right. So instead, we can put boundaries in place. So we still are honoring our families. Okay. We can put boundaries in place as a form of really protecting.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
Protecting the marriage. Not just rejecting the family.
Speaker #0
100%. And we're not advocating rejection.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
What we're saying is a lot of times, at least in my experience with church members and just counseling in general, there's been overreach and overstep because now they want to control this relationship. And sometimes it is out of.
Speaker #1
Care or love. Care or love. They're trying to help. We don't want to see you get hurt. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. But at the end of the day, I married you.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we should be able as a couple to have conversations. And. come up with boundaries together, right? So it should be a united front.
Speaker #0
We should talk about this, discuss it, and pray over it. I want to make a clear distinction between a boundary and a wall. A boundary does not end a relationship. A wall ends a relationship. So a boundary says, hey, this is an area where I respect you and honor you. I will hear your input. By the end of the day, this is our decision.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So there was an example of I had a question actually from a listener. And the question was their parent wanted to come spend the night. They were moving and they wanted to come spend the night. And parents said, hey, I'm coming over. And they were like, whoa, let me check with my spouse first and just make sure it's okay. And the parent got upset. It was like, hey, how dare you?
Speaker #1
Like, why do you even need to ask? Why do you even need to ask? Right.
Speaker #0
You know, I raised you. I should always have a space in my, in my, in your house.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And they were like, yes, I understand that. Number one. Number two. Sorry. Number two. My spouse is going to say yes, but out of respect for them, I still should ask.
Speaker #1
Right. I still should let them know, make sure the day is fine. Yeah. Of course, we're not saying he doesn't want you there. She doesn't want you there. They love you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
We're going to try to help any possible way, but there needs to be a united front between the two people in a marriage.
Speaker #0
So again, boundary, not a wall.
Speaker #1
Not a wall. And sometimes when you were saying that, what if you have a boundary and you present that to your family and they determine that that's a wall? Like, okay, you put that boundary in place. That's not okay. You know, kind of shun you, push you aside.
Speaker #0
and prayerfully There's believers involved, most likely. Everyone in that scenario probably is not a follower of God's word. And so you have to present it in love.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And care. And really, really pray before even presenting it. Say, God, you know, open the hearts so that those who hear can receive.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And really, really choose those words carefully. And that's when we talked about it last week about. taking some time to think. Yeah, you really need some time to think on that one. Don't just spur them on with that one. And really choose those words and have those words. The Scripture says season with grace. Hey, we love you. We are here. You'll always be here in this specific area. This is going to be our decision. And we ask that you respect and honor that so that we can move forward together. You know, but sometimes you're going to have to take a stand and honor it because I got to follow God's word. I have to honor my spouse. Right. So I have to honor you. If that means my parents for a time, maybe I understand or uncle so-and-so don't understand. Okay. I've got to go with God's word.
Speaker #1
Amen. Right. Pray about it. Pray that they come around.
Speaker #0
I didn't go in there yelling. You ain't going, you know, we're not. Nope, nope, nope. Back away. No, we're going to be calm. We're going to be loving. We're going to pray. We're going to plan. We're going to pursue. And we believe the spirit of God because love covers a multitude. We're going to believe that a soft answer turns away raft. We're going to hang on those promises and believe that. Okay. Because I'm now choosing to obey God. Not that every time I obey God, it's going to be. roses, but because I'm choosing to obey God, I believe that things will come into alignment.
Speaker #1
That's right. And I think it's really important that you talk first with your spouse, of course, and come up with whatever boundary that you need to put in place and come across as a united front. So like you're coming to the family as a team, like as a marriage, as a married couple versus, you know, throwing your spouse under the bus and saying like, oh, He doesn't want you over here or. You know, making your spouse to be the bad guy in the situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You need to present yourself as a married couple.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And really, that's the ultimate example of showing, like, how important that marriage is to you.
Speaker #0
Right. And I'm kind of hearing something in the background. You know, well, my parents live with us, so they can show, okay, we're not talking to you. You know, or if that's how you roll, great. But we want to. Clearly state that there should be boundaries with whether it's parents or uncles, brothers, sisters, best friends. But specifically, this episode was about family members. But there should always be a boundary where I don't talk to my mom about problems with Jennifer. I don't go to my dad being in bad mouth with you. Right. Oh, she didn't she didn't come home and cook. And I'm telling she is lazy. I don't know. I would never don't ever talk down your spouse to anyone. Let alone mom and dad, because that starts. My mom's going to go into mama bear mode.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And that will hinder y'all's relationship. And now she's going to overreach because I'm 45 years old, but that's still my son.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And on the flip side, if you're listening and you have children that are married, right, you can present that as well as well. You can support that as well. You can support like. My daughter has a husband now, and so I support them in their marriage. I'm not going to overstep.
Speaker #0
And trust that God's got it, right? You can't reach it and fix it. As a parent, you may still be trying to fix it, but you can't.
Speaker #1
You can pray about it.
Speaker #0
You can pray about it, but let God be God and let your intercession be the tool that you use to reach and to pull. As parents with children, whether they're adult or even teenage children, I'm speaking to you, let God be God. and stop trying to fight the battle and stop trying to win the war. But let God be God. He is El Shaddai. It's a job for him. And you can pray. And the song says, this is how we fight our battles. And fight that on your knees and pray and stand still, as Moses said, and see the salvation of the Lord. So I just want to speak that life over you, that you're not in anxiety and trying to fight the war because it's already been fought and won through Jesus.
Speaker #1
Amen. Always start with that prayer. And I would love to just hear, I know this is a hot topic. I would love to hear some feedback of things that the other couples are going through or ways that they have put boundaries in place that have really worked well.
Speaker #0
Light us up. And if you want us to go deeper or expand on other topics, let us know because we want to support you in these areas that can sometimes be used by the enemy to create strife and dissension and discord. ultimately does what? Destroy the unit. Because that's his goal to kill, to steal, and to destroy. There is a resource that we have that will help you learn more about one another. It's called the Oak Haven Know Me, Love Me game. Absolutely free. It's a great resource. It's oakhavencomedy.com slash game. It's free. It's got some music in the background. You can play along. And it's super fun to learn. We say spouse, but you can send it to, I guess, someone else if you really want to. wanted to but it's for couples it's for couples see if you know what your couple like you think you know your spouse so um see what questions they're really fun questions one question was uh i think was it tripped me up was who you wanted to spend lunch with in the bible yes that was i actually had to think about that for a minute yeah i think you got it wrong yeah but i got yours wrong, but it's okay.
Speaker #1
It creates conversations based off of the answers that you didn't get correct. It's really fun to go back and say, Hey, why did you pick such and such? Or you were like, that is not right. You picked the wrong answer. And I'm like, no.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I would have never asked, who do you want to eat lunch with in the Bible? So it is a great way to again, foster communication, bring up a conversation, um, and something that's different and fun, mix it up a little bit, keep things light and fun on date night. So it's okay. But company.com slash game always it's in the show notes and description for you to click and easy. You'll have a great time, great fun and get it today. There's also some things coming up. This around the corner, you want to be in the loop about.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's coming up in November. So just a few weeks away. Stay tuned. We're going to have a really great week focusing on your marriage. And so make sure you're signed up either for our newsletter and or follow us on social.
Speaker #0
Don't want to miss it.
Speaker #1
We'll give you all the details. You can sign up for it, but it's. It's all free and you're going to get some really great resources for your marriage and to make sure you are ready to go for the new year as well.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. So make sure you sign up for our e-newsletter. It comes out once a week. Also stay tuned to the episodes that drop here in a few weeks because we'll be sharing it as well. So you don't want this is not the time to be a detractor. Stay plugged in. We love you guys. We're praying for you every single day. Jen had a wonderful suggestion really came up on her heart. We, those of you who don't know, we have a relationship vision planner and we've had orders come in. So we have a map that we have on our wall in our. command center in our home. And that map is on our wall. And we pray and speak over where that planner has gone. So we're praying for your marriages. We're praying for those states and that we believe all fit. We can shade it in, but we're praying for you every single day. And we believe God's best is ahead just for you and be encouraged to know that his plan will be accomplished in your lives. Join us next week. Thanks for listening. And remember, it's wisdom that builds the house. God bless.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
What happens when honoring your father and mother starts quietly working against you honoring your spouse? This is a good one. It's going to be a holiday tradition no one will bend on. Maybe it's a parent who still calls the shots on decisions that should be yours. Maybe it's about advice that didn't ask for showing up. Or maybe it's actually them showing up to your house and they weren't invited. It's the tension that nobody names out loud. You can't honor your parent and still meet boundaries with them. And if you don't build those boundaries on purpose, they'll get built for you. Today, I'm talking all about biblical boundaries with in-laws and parents and stick around because by the end of this episode today, we have a language and a conversation you have been avoiding for years. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Hello, friend. We are so glad you have tuned in and joined us for another great episode. We are the Turners, and this is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So you can get anything from today's episode. that uplifts you, encourages you, or gives you even some instruction, all we ask in return is a like and a subscribe or a text to a friend. It really will help this content reach more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're excited to dive into this, but make sure you keep those comments coming. Let us know what you think. If you agree, disagree, we'd love to hear it either way. So keep those coming. We love to hear from everyone out there?
Speaker #0
We out. Absolutely love to hear from you. Today's episode is being brought to you by the good folks over at Oak Haven Company. They've got a brand new game called Know Me, Love Me. And if you have played the newlywed game before, it's very similar to that. You get 10 questions and you can answer that about your spouse, what you think they answered. That's right. And then they flip flop. They'll answer yours and you see who has the most points and they have the winner as super fun questions. Very fun categories. You can play together or you can text them their answers and get more points. The last four questions count double. So it's super fun.
Speaker #1
Super fun. I would definitely encourage you to try it out. It's free.
Speaker #0
It's free. No ads, no pop ups.
Speaker #1
Use it with your phone. I'm sure you're all on your phone at some point of the day. So fill out those questions. Send some back. See what your spouse sends back. You think you might know them.
Speaker #0
You think you do.
Speaker #1
But you're not going to get 100%.
Speaker #0
Let me tell you. Ooh, there's a challenge. Who can get 100%?
Speaker #1
Both of them? Oof. I don't know. I love that.
Speaker #0
I love that challenge. I love it because we did not get 100%. We did not. We did not.
Speaker #1
They're super fun questions, though. Lighthearted. You'll love it. Gets you talking. Shows you the answers. And you can be like, what? That's not right. So it's super fun. Try it out. Let us know what you think about it.
Speaker #0
OKvencompany.com slash game. Get it today. Don't need to download anything. You can play it right there on your browser. Super fun. I am excited about this episode. It's a hot button topic.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And so it is your parents aren't your spouse. So you're not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #1
Not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #0
Okay. All right.
Speaker #1
Married to you.
Speaker #0
Okay. Husband. Okay.
Speaker #1
And so there should be some boundaries is what we're saying.
Speaker #0
There should be some boundaries, we believe, and we base everything that we say upon God's word. you This can really get dicey. Yes. Because on both sides where parents sometimes overstep their boundaries and I have seen parents show up unannounced to to homes or still giving advice or making decisions or running the relationship that they really should not be making those decisions. Don't buy the car or because we gave you the money that that gives us a right. to decide which house you get, live in spouses because they have a room or because you had to move back home. Now you're in my roof. How does that work? So there's a lot of different, it really can get dicey when we're talking about parents or in-laws, especially those in-laws and how they play into a marriage. What do you say about that?
Speaker #1
Well, I'll start with family's important, right? So honoring your father and mother. There's a command in the Bible. So it's important that you are honoring your father and your mother. So your family, where you came from, who raised you, how you were brought up. However, you can still honor your parents and still have boundaries. It still may be necessary in that relationship to have boundaries. So we can talk through how that plays out. By still keeping that honoring going on and still needing to set some boundaries with our parents.
Speaker #0
Why do boundaries need to be set?
Speaker #1
Boundaries first need to be set because the parents are acting or doing something that is not in alignment with either God's word or what you have set up in your specific marriage.
Speaker #0
Okay, I'm going to say what you said. I was going to ask you, what is that? boundary or that they're crossing or how are they not responding? But you want to answer that or no?
Speaker #1
Go for it.
Speaker #0
No, I'm asking.
Speaker #1
Oh, well, we can start with you're now married.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So I don't know if you wanted to talk about the Bible verse and stuff, but you are now married. So you are in a relationship, you and one other person, and that is your marriage. Okay. Marriage is, well, also the Lord. I like to say the marriage is husband, wife, and the Lord.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
It doesn't include other people.
Speaker #0
Ooh, okay.
Speaker #1
There needs to be a tighter circle in the marriage. And then your family is a circle outside of the marriage. It's how I've heard it before as well, taught.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You're giving me a look like. No,
Speaker #0
I'm listening.
Speaker #1
And so you have now created, you've come into covenant relationship with this person and you should have a relationship that is built upon the word of God and the things that you two are deciding for your marriage. And so when you have other people speaking into that, whether or not it's your parents who should, of course, be high on that list of relationships of people you're honoring.
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
There is a boundary that they shouldn't be crossing into that marriage. So that's where I was coming from.
Speaker #0
So there's levels, whether your parents, maybe they know the Lord, maybe they don't know the Lord. You know, definitely if they are not followers of the word of God or followers of biblical principles. There should be even a higher level of boundary because they're not going to speak the same things of how you base your life and your decisions. But I want to read for your scripture. It is found in Genesis at the very, very beginning of creation, the beginning of humanity. We're just kicking this thing off. And God says in verse 24, when he makes Adam, puts him to sleep, takes the rib and makes this woman, this other version. from the man he says therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave become joined unto his wife and that's why he took the woman from the rib like you're hitched together you are one and he goes and he says it and they shall be one flesh right that's in genesis chapter two but i wanted to bring a call out because it's something that you guys may have overlooked or may not have even thought about.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
There's actually three instances where we find this verse. We find this because the Bible says, out of two or three witnesses, let every word be established. So in Genesis chapter two, again, in first Corinthians chapter six, Paul talks about it. And then in Matthew 19, Jesus echoes and he quotes Genesis. So we find three different people, Old Testament and New Testament saying. You got to leave mom and dad. So I believe this has to be a topic that's of importance because God wouldn't have had it mentioned three times if it wasn't something that was very, very heavy in relationships. And I've seen this ruin marriages because the father-in-law, like, you should not. I know your dad's probably listening, and I think he would agree. Hey, Pop. is that... You shouldn't respect your dad more than you respect me. I shouldn't take care of my mom more than I take care of you because you're my wife. And outside of Jesus, this is a relationship that I am held accountable for and should be most important. I'm not at home anymore. When I said I do, I said I do to you. And so now my responsibility comes to you, not my mom.
Speaker #1
And that's pretty deep. That's pretty heavy. I feel like some people would be a little shaken up by that. Like, wait a second.
Speaker #0
Let's go back. Let's go back just so you can hear it. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother? I know mama raised me, took me to basketball practice, and she sacrificed and blood is thicker than water. None of that's in scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? That's my own opinion. But I have to look at scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. And shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I'm not operating in unity if I'm not cleaving to you.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And now we're in disunity and that's division. And it causes and it will cause separation, withdrawal, contempt and a wall because I'm not honoring the person that God's brought into my life.
Speaker #1
Definitely cracks in the foundation. And I feel like cultures and different cultures really, really place importance on family. And so when somebody might hear that, they might take a step back and like, whoa, My parents are my priority. I'm going to take care of them. They took care of me. They come first. And our marriage can survive my parents being first. I can put aside what he may need in the moment because my parents need me.
Speaker #0
My parents will always be there. They always got my back. Whatever happens, well, now we're talking down. And now I'm pushing down this covenant relationship. Oh, so I'm going to speak deaf to my marriage. We won't work out, but my mom and dad will.
Speaker #1
Right. Or I can always go back. They got my back. They'll always be there for me no matter what. Like, why aren't you saying that about your husband or your wife? And so are we looking at the marriage covenant as important as we should? Maybe is where this is stemming from. And then also just culturally raising our family up on a pedestal more so like an idol, like that comes before anything and everything. And so it can show up in a lot of different ways. You mentioned some of them, but. Even once you're married, the discussions that are happening between us, a lot of times, how do we spend our holidays? Who do we go visit? Who are we letting, you know, help us financially? Who's giving us parenting advice?
Speaker #0
Where do the kids go? Who's keeping the kids? But definitely holidays. What traditions? And, you know, you may be driving all around the city on Thanksgiving and Christmas because as you got. Cousin Graham and Aunt Tukey and Buffalo Bill and, you know, just whoa. And we're, again, we can honor family and we can honor mom and dad and those who have been in our circle. We can do that. But at the same time, we should not allow relationships that are external to cause strife in between the one that matters the most. At the end of the day, we are not going to fight. Over where we have a tuna sandwich for Easter.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. And there may be a lot. You may be feeling a lot of pressure.
Speaker #0
That's good.
Speaker #1
From your family.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And so you feel.
Speaker #0
You used to come over. You used to call me every day. Now you married. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #1
All right.
Speaker #0
I still love you.
Speaker #1
Or to be part of this family. You come spend Easter with us. Or, you know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You're expected to be here at every birthday party or whatever it is. Every family is different. But there's those outside pressures, influences and expectations that have you ever even sat down and talked to your spouse about, you know, preferably before you get married. So, you know, before that comes into a marriage. But yeah,
Speaker #0
definitely before you hopefully you talk about that before you get married, because, again, those external factors. And it's the saying is you don't marry just the spouse, you marry the whole family. You got to give some credence to that because there's a lot of those factors that come into, especially for a guy. If the wife is honoring her dad more than me, that's you really, really want to look at that because it creates feelings of insecurity, disrespect. If you can, at the jump of the hat, your dad calls and say, I need you here and you're there. What about me?
Speaker #1
Without even a discussion.
Speaker #0
Discussion or if I ask you for something, it's like pulling dogs and cats. Right. It's backwards and your husband's going to see that and feel not loved by you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And it's something you don't want to do. You don't want to at the same time get flowers for mom, never get flowers for your wife.
Speaker #1
Right. So instead, we can put boundaries in place. So we still are honoring our families. Okay. We can put boundaries in place as a form of really protecting.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
Protecting the marriage. Not just rejecting the family.
Speaker #0
100%. And we're not advocating rejection.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
What we're saying is a lot of times, at least in my experience with church members and just counseling in general, there's been overreach and overstep because now they want to control this relationship. And sometimes it is out of.
Speaker #1
Care or love. Care or love. They're trying to help. We don't want to see you get hurt. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. But at the end of the day, I married you.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we should be able as a couple to have conversations. And. come up with boundaries together, right? So it should be a united front.
Speaker #0
We should talk about this, discuss it, and pray over it. I want to make a clear distinction between a boundary and a wall. A boundary does not end a relationship. A wall ends a relationship. So a boundary says, hey, this is an area where I respect you and honor you. I will hear your input. By the end of the day, this is our decision.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So there was an example of I had a question actually from a listener. And the question was their parent wanted to come spend the night. They were moving and they wanted to come spend the night. And parents said, hey, I'm coming over. And they were like, whoa, let me check with my spouse first and just make sure it's okay. And the parent got upset. It was like, hey, how dare you?
Speaker #1
Like, why do you even need to ask? Why do you even need to ask? Right.
Speaker #0
You know, I raised you. I should always have a space in my, in my, in your house.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And they were like, yes, I understand that. Number one. Number two. Sorry. Number two. My spouse is going to say yes, but out of respect for them, I still should ask.
Speaker #1
Right. I still should let them know, make sure the day is fine. Yeah. Of course, we're not saying he doesn't want you there. She doesn't want you there. They love you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
We're going to try to help any possible way, but there needs to be a united front between the two people in a marriage.
Speaker #0
So again, boundary, not a wall.
Speaker #1
Not a wall. And sometimes when you were saying that, what if you have a boundary and you present that to your family and they determine that that's a wall? Like, okay, you put that boundary in place. That's not okay. You know, kind of shun you, push you aside.
Speaker #0
and prayerfully There's believers involved, most likely. Everyone in that scenario probably is not a follower of God's word. And so you have to present it in love.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And care. And really, really pray before even presenting it. Say, God, you know, open the hearts so that those who hear can receive.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And really, really choose those words carefully. And that's when we talked about it last week about. taking some time to think. Yeah, you really need some time to think on that one. Don't just spur them on with that one. And really choose those words and have those words. The Scripture says season with grace. Hey, we love you. We are here. You'll always be here in this specific area. This is going to be our decision. And we ask that you respect and honor that so that we can move forward together. You know, but sometimes you're going to have to take a stand and honor it because I got to follow God's word. I have to honor my spouse. Right. So I have to honor you. If that means my parents for a time, maybe I understand or uncle so-and-so don't understand. Okay. I've got to go with God's word.
Speaker #1
Amen. Right. Pray about it. Pray that they come around.
Speaker #0
I didn't go in there yelling. You ain't going, you know, we're not. Nope, nope, nope. Back away. No, we're going to be calm. We're going to be loving. We're going to pray. We're going to plan. We're going to pursue. And we believe the spirit of God because love covers a multitude. We're going to believe that a soft answer turns away raft. We're going to hang on those promises and believe that. Okay. Because I'm now choosing to obey God. Not that every time I obey God, it's going to be. roses, but because I'm choosing to obey God, I believe that things will come into alignment.
Speaker #1
That's right. And I think it's really important that you talk first with your spouse, of course, and come up with whatever boundary that you need to put in place and come across as a united front. So like you're coming to the family as a team, like as a marriage, as a married couple versus, you know, throwing your spouse under the bus and saying like, oh, He doesn't want you over here or. You know, making your spouse to be the bad guy in the situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You need to present yourself as a married couple.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And really, that's the ultimate example of showing, like, how important that marriage is to you.
Speaker #0
Right. And I'm kind of hearing something in the background. You know, well, my parents live with us, so they can show, okay, we're not talking to you. You know, or if that's how you roll, great. But we want to. Clearly state that there should be boundaries with whether it's parents or uncles, brothers, sisters, best friends. But specifically, this episode was about family members. But there should always be a boundary where I don't talk to my mom about problems with Jennifer. I don't go to my dad being in bad mouth with you. Right. Oh, she didn't she didn't come home and cook. And I'm telling she is lazy. I don't know. I would never don't ever talk down your spouse to anyone. Let alone mom and dad, because that starts. My mom's going to go into mama bear mode.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And that will hinder y'all's relationship. And now she's going to overreach because I'm 45 years old, but that's still my son.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And on the flip side, if you're listening and you have children that are married, right, you can present that as well as well. You can support that as well. You can support like. My daughter has a husband now, and so I support them in their marriage. I'm not going to overstep.
Speaker #0
And trust that God's got it, right? You can't reach it and fix it. As a parent, you may still be trying to fix it, but you can't.
Speaker #1
You can pray about it.
Speaker #0
You can pray about it, but let God be God and let your intercession be the tool that you use to reach and to pull. As parents with children, whether they're adult or even teenage children, I'm speaking to you, let God be God. and stop trying to fight the battle and stop trying to win the war. But let God be God. He is El Shaddai. It's a job for him. And you can pray. And the song says, this is how we fight our battles. And fight that on your knees and pray and stand still, as Moses said, and see the salvation of the Lord. So I just want to speak that life over you, that you're not in anxiety and trying to fight the war because it's already been fought and won through Jesus.
Speaker #1
Amen. Always start with that prayer. And I would love to just hear, I know this is a hot topic. I would love to hear some feedback of things that the other couples are going through or ways that they have put boundaries in place that have really worked well.
Speaker #0
Light us up. And if you want us to go deeper or expand on other topics, let us know because we want to support you in these areas that can sometimes be used by the enemy to create strife and dissension and discord. ultimately does what? Destroy the unit. Because that's his goal to kill, to steal, and to destroy. There is a resource that we have that will help you learn more about one another. It's called the Oak Haven Know Me, Love Me game. Absolutely free. It's a great resource. It's oakhavencomedy.com slash game. It's free. It's got some music in the background. You can play along. And it's super fun to learn. We say spouse, but you can send it to, I guess, someone else if you really want to. wanted to but it's for couples it's for couples see if you know what your couple like you think you know your spouse so um see what questions they're really fun questions one question was uh i think was it tripped me up was who you wanted to spend lunch with in the bible yes that was i actually had to think about that for a minute yeah i think you got it wrong yeah but i got yours wrong, but it's okay.
Speaker #1
It creates conversations based off of the answers that you didn't get correct. It's really fun to go back and say, Hey, why did you pick such and such? Or you were like, that is not right. You picked the wrong answer. And I'm like, no.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I would have never asked, who do you want to eat lunch with in the Bible? So it is a great way to again, foster communication, bring up a conversation, um, and something that's different and fun, mix it up a little bit, keep things light and fun on date night. So it's okay. But company.com slash game always it's in the show notes and description for you to click and easy. You'll have a great time, great fun and get it today. There's also some things coming up. This around the corner, you want to be in the loop about.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's coming up in November. So just a few weeks away. Stay tuned. We're going to have a really great week focusing on your marriage. And so make sure you're signed up either for our newsletter and or follow us on social.
Speaker #0
Don't want to miss it.
Speaker #1
We'll give you all the details. You can sign up for it, but it's. It's all free and you're going to get some really great resources for your marriage and to make sure you are ready to go for the new year as well.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. So make sure you sign up for our e-newsletter. It comes out once a week. Also stay tuned to the episodes that drop here in a few weeks because we'll be sharing it as well. So you don't want this is not the time to be a detractor. Stay plugged in. We love you guys. We're praying for you every single day. Jen had a wonderful suggestion really came up on her heart. We, those of you who don't know, we have a relationship vision planner and we've had orders come in. So we have a map that we have on our wall in our. command center in our home. And that map is on our wall. And we pray and speak over where that planner has gone. So we're praying for your marriages. We're praying for those states and that we believe all fit. We can shade it in, but we're praying for you every single day. And we believe God's best is ahead just for you and be encouraged to know that his plan will be accomplished in your lives. Join us next week. Thanks for listening. And remember, it's wisdom that builds the house. God bless.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
What happens when honoring your father and mother starts quietly working against you honoring your spouse? This is a good one. It's going to be a holiday tradition no one will bend on. Maybe it's a parent who still calls the shots on decisions that should be yours. Maybe it's about advice that didn't ask for showing up. Or maybe it's actually them showing up to your house and they weren't invited. It's the tension that nobody names out loud. You can't honor your parent and still meet boundaries with them. And if you don't build those boundaries on purpose, they'll get built for you. Today, I'm talking all about biblical boundaries with in-laws and parents and stick around because by the end of this episode today, we have a language and a conversation you have been avoiding for years. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Hello, friend. We are so glad you have tuned in and joined us for another great episode. We are the Turners, and this is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So you can get anything from today's episode. that uplifts you, encourages you, or gives you even some instruction, all we ask in return is a like and a subscribe or a text to a friend. It really will help this content reach more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're excited to dive into this, but make sure you keep those comments coming. Let us know what you think. If you agree, disagree, we'd love to hear it either way. So keep those coming. We love to hear from everyone out there?
Speaker #0
We out. Absolutely love to hear from you. Today's episode is being brought to you by the good folks over at Oak Haven Company. They've got a brand new game called Know Me, Love Me. And if you have played the newlywed game before, it's very similar to that. You get 10 questions and you can answer that about your spouse, what you think they answered. That's right. And then they flip flop. They'll answer yours and you see who has the most points and they have the winner as super fun questions. Very fun categories. You can play together or you can text them their answers and get more points. The last four questions count double. So it's super fun.
Speaker #1
Super fun. I would definitely encourage you to try it out. It's free.
Speaker #0
It's free. No ads, no pop ups.
Speaker #1
Use it with your phone. I'm sure you're all on your phone at some point of the day. So fill out those questions. Send some back. See what your spouse sends back. You think you might know them.
Speaker #0
You think you do.
Speaker #1
But you're not going to get 100%.
Speaker #0
Let me tell you. Ooh, there's a challenge. Who can get 100%?
Speaker #1
Both of them? Oof. I don't know. I love that.
Speaker #0
I love that challenge. I love it because we did not get 100%. We did not. We did not.
Speaker #1
They're super fun questions, though. Lighthearted. You'll love it. Gets you talking. Shows you the answers. And you can be like, what? That's not right. So it's super fun. Try it out. Let us know what you think about it.
Speaker #0
OKvencompany.com slash game. Get it today. Don't need to download anything. You can play it right there on your browser. Super fun. I am excited about this episode. It's a hot button topic.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And so it is your parents aren't your spouse. So you're not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #1
Not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #0
Okay. All right.
Speaker #1
Married to you.
Speaker #0
Okay. Husband. Okay.
Speaker #1
And so there should be some boundaries is what we're saying.
Speaker #0
There should be some boundaries, we believe, and we base everything that we say upon God's word. you This can really get dicey. Yes. Because on both sides where parents sometimes overstep their boundaries and I have seen parents show up unannounced to to homes or still giving advice or making decisions or running the relationship that they really should not be making those decisions. Don't buy the car or because we gave you the money that that gives us a right. to decide which house you get, live in spouses because they have a room or because you had to move back home. Now you're in my roof. How does that work? So there's a lot of different, it really can get dicey when we're talking about parents or in-laws, especially those in-laws and how they play into a marriage. What do you say about that?
Speaker #1
Well, I'll start with family's important, right? So honoring your father and mother. There's a command in the Bible. So it's important that you are honoring your father and your mother. So your family, where you came from, who raised you, how you were brought up. However, you can still honor your parents and still have boundaries. It still may be necessary in that relationship to have boundaries. So we can talk through how that plays out. By still keeping that honoring going on and still needing to set some boundaries with our parents.
Speaker #0
Why do boundaries need to be set?
Speaker #1
Boundaries first need to be set because the parents are acting or doing something that is not in alignment with either God's word or what you have set up in your specific marriage.
Speaker #0
Okay, I'm going to say what you said. I was going to ask you, what is that? boundary or that they're crossing or how are they not responding? But you want to answer that or no?
Speaker #1
Go for it.
Speaker #0
No, I'm asking.
Speaker #1
Oh, well, we can start with you're now married.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So I don't know if you wanted to talk about the Bible verse and stuff, but you are now married. So you are in a relationship, you and one other person, and that is your marriage. Okay. Marriage is, well, also the Lord. I like to say the marriage is husband, wife, and the Lord.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
It doesn't include other people.
Speaker #0
Ooh, okay.
Speaker #1
There needs to be a tighter circle in the marriage. And then your family is a circle outside of the marriage. It's how I've heard it before as well, taught.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You're giving me a look like. No,
Speaker #0
I'm listening.
Speaker #1
And so you have now created, you've come into covenant relationship with this person and you should have a relationship that is built upon the word of God and the things that you two are deciding for your marriage. And so when you have other people speaking into that, whether or not it's your parents who should, of course, be high on that list of relationships of people you're honoring.
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
There is a boundary that they shouldn't be crossing into that marriage. So that's where I was coming from.
Speaker #0
So there's levels, whether your parents, maybe they know the Lord, maybe they don't know the Lord. You know, definitely if they are not followers of the word of God or followers of biblical principles. There should be even a higher level of boundary because they're not going to speak the same things of how you base your life and your decisions. But I want to read for your scripture. It is found in Genesis at the very, very beginning of creation, the beginning of humanity. We're just kicking this thing off. And God says in verse 24, when he makes Adam, puts him to sleep, takes the rib and makes this woman, this other version. from the man he says therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave become joined unto his wife and that's why he took the woman from the rib like you're hitched together you are one and he goes and he says it and they shall be one flesh right that's in genesis chapter two but i wanted to bring a call out because it's something that you guys may have overlooked or may not have even thought about.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
There's actually three instances where we find this verse. We find this because the Bible says, out of two or three witnesses, let every word be established. So in Genesis chapter two, again, in first Corinthians chapter six, Paul talks about it. And then in Matthew 19, Jesus echoes and he quotes Genesis. So we find three different people, Old Testament and New Testament saying. You got to leave mom and dad. So I believe this has to be a topic that's of importance because God wouldn't have had it mentioned three times if it wasn't something that was very, very heavy in relationships. And I've seen this ruin marriages because the father-in-law, like, you should not. I know your dad's probably listening, and I think he would agree. Hey, Pop. is that... You shouldn't respect your dad more than you respect me. I shouldn't take care of my mom more than I take care of you because you're my wife. And outside of Jesus, this is a relationship that I am held accountable for and should be most important. I'm not at home anymore. When I said I do, I said I do to you. And so now my responsibility comes to you, not my mom.
Speaker #1
And that's pretty deep. That's pretty heavy. I feel like some people would be a little shaken up by that. Like, wait a second.
Speaker #0
Let's go back. Let's go back just so you can hear it. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother? I know mama raised me, took me to basketball practice, and she sacrificed and blood is thicker than water. None of that's in scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? That's my own opinion. But I have to look at scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. And shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I'm not operating in unity if I'm not cleaving to you.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And now we're in disunity and that's division. And it causes and it will cause separation, withdrawal, contempt and a wall because I'm not honoring the person that God's brought into my life.
Speaker #1
Definitely cracks in the foundation. And I feel like cultures and different cultures really, really place importance on family. And so when somebody might hear that, they might take a step back and like, whoa, My parents are my priority. I'm going to take care of them. They took care of me. They come first. And our marriage can survive my parents being first. I can put aside what he may need in the moment because my parents need me.
Speaker #0
My parents will always be there. They always got my back. Whatever happens, well, now we're talking down. And now I'm pushing down this covenant relationship. Oh, so I'm going to speak deaf to my marriage. We won't work out, but my mom and dad will.
Speaker #1
Right. Or I can always go back. They got my back. They'll always be there for me no matter what. Like, why aren't you saying that about your husband or your wife? And so are we looking at the marriage covenant as important as we should? Maybe is where this is stemming from. And then also just culturally raising our family up on a pedestal more so like an idol, like that comes before anything and everything. And so it can show up in a lot of different ways. You mentioned some of them, but. Even once you're married, the discussions that are happening between us, a lot of times, how do we spend our holidays? Who do we go visit? Who are we letting, you know, help us financially? Who's giving us parenting advice?
Speaker #0
Where do the kids go? Who's keeping the kids? But definitely holidays. What traditions? And, you know, you may be driving all around the city on Thanksgiving and Christmas because as you got. Cousin Graham and Aunt Tukey and Buffalo Bill and, you know, just whoa. And we're, again, we can honor family and we can honor mom and dad and those who have been in our circle. We can do that. But at the same time, we should not allow relationships that are external to cause strife in between the one that matters the most. At the end of the day, we are not going to fight. Over where we have a tuna sandwich for Easter.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. And there may be a lot. You may be feeling a lot of pressure.
Speaker #0
That's good.
Speaker #1
From your family.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And so you feel.
Speaker #0
You used to come over. You used to call me every day. Now you married. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #1
All right.
Speaker #0
I still love you.
Speaker #1
Or to be part of this family. You come spend Easter with us. Or, you know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You're expected to be here at every birthday party or whatever it is. Every family is different. But there's those outside pressures, influences and expectations that have you ever even sat down and talked to your spouse about, you know, preferably before you get married. So, you know, before that comes into a marriage. But yeah,
Speaker #0
definitely before you hopefully you talk about that before you get married, because, again, those external factors. And it's the saying is you don't marry just the spouse, you marry the whole family. You got to give some credence to that because there's a lot of those factors that come into, especially for a guy. If the wife is honoring her dad more than me, that's you really, really want to look at that because it creates feelings of insecurity, disrespect. If you can, at the jump of the hat, your dad calls and say, I need you here and you're there. What about me?
Speaker #1
Without even a discussion.
Speaker #0
Discussion or if I ask you for something, it's like pulling dogs and cats. Right. It's backwards and your husband's going to see that and feel not loved by you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And it's something you don't want to do. You don't want to at the same time get flowers for mom, never get flowers for your wife.
Speaker #1
Right. So instead, we can put boundaries in place. So we still are honoring our families. Okay. We can put boundaries in place as a form of really protecting.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
Protecting the marriage. Not just rejecting the family.
Speaker #0
100%. And we're not advocating rejection.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
What we're saying is a lot of times, at least in my experience with church members and just counseling in general, there's been overreach and overstep because now they want to control this relationship. And sometimes it is out of.
Speaker #1
Care or love. Care or love. They're trying to help. We don't want to see you get hurt. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. But at the end of the day, I married you.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we should be able as a couple to have conversations. And. come up with boundaries together, right? So it should be a united front.
Speaker #0
We should talk about this, discuss it, and pray over it. I want to make a clear distinction between a boundary and a wall. A boundary does not end a relationship. A wall ends a relationship. So a boundary says, hey, this is an area where I respect you and honor you. I will hear your input. By the end of the day, this is our decision.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So there was an example of I had a question actually from a listener. And the question was their parent wanted to come spend the night. They were moving and they wanted to come spend the night. And parents said, hey, I'm coming over. And they were like, whoa, let me check with my spouse first and just make sure it's okay. And the parent got upset. It was like, hey, how dare you?
Speaker #1
Like, why do you even need to ask? Why do you even need to ask? Right.
Speaker #0
You know, I raised you. I should always have a space in my, in my, in your house.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And they were like, yes, I understand that. Number one. Number two. Sorry. Number two. My spouse is going to say yes, but out of respect for them, I still should ask.
Speaker #1
Right. I still should let them know, make sure the day is fine. Yeah. Of course, we're not saying he doesn't want you there. She doesn't want you there. They love you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
We're going to try to help any possible way, but there needs to be a united front between the two people in a marriage.
Speaker #0
So again, boundary, not a wall.
Speaker #1
Not a wall. And sometimes when you were saying that, what if you have a boundary and you present that to your family and they determine that that's a wall? Like, okay, you put that boundary in place. That's not okay. You know, kind of shun you, push you aside.
Speaker #0
and prayerfully There's believers involved, most likely. Everyone in that scenario probably is not a follower of God's word. And so you have to present it in love.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And care. And really, really pray before even presenting it. Say, God, you know, open the hearts so that those who hear can receive.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And really, really choose those words carefully. And that's when we talked about it last week about. taking some time to think. Yeah, you really need some time to think on that one. Don't just spur them on with that one. And really choose those words and have those words. The Scripture says season with grace. Hey, we love you. We are here. You'll always be here in this specific area. This is going to be our decision. And we ask that you respect and honor that so that we can move forward together. You know, but sometimes you're going to have to take a stand and honor it because I got to follow God's word. I have to honor my spouse. Right. So I have to honor you. If that means my parents for a time, maybe I understand or uncle so-and-so don't understand. Okay. I've got to go with God's word.
Speaker #1
Amen. Right. Pray about it. Pray that they come around.
Speaker #0
I didn't go in there yelling. You ain't going, you know, we're not. Nope, nope, nope. Back away. No, we're going to be calm. We're going to be loving. We're going to pray. We're going to plan. We're going to pursue. And we believe the spirit of God because love covers a multitude. We're going to believe that a soft answer turns away raft. We're going to hang on those promises and believe that. Okay. Because I'm now choosing to obey God. Not that every time I obey God, it's going to be. roses, but because I'm choosing to obey God, I believe that things will come into alignment.
Speaker #1
That's right. And I think it's really important that you talk first with your spouse, of course, and come up with whatever boundary that you need to put in place and come across as a united front. So like you're coming to the family as a team, like as a marriage, as a married couple versus, you know, throwing your spouse under the bus and saying like, oh, He doesn't want you over here or. You know, making your spouse to be the bad guy in the situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You need to present yourself as a married couple.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And really, that's the ultimate example of showing, like, how important that marriage is to you.
Speaker #0
Right. And I'm kind of hearing something in the background. You know, well, my parents live with us, so they can show, okay, we're not talking to you. You know, or if that's how you roll, great. But we want to. Clearly state that there should be boundaries with whether it's parents or uncles, brothers, sisters, best friends. But specifically, this episode was about family members. But there should always be a boundary where I don't talk to my mom about problems with Jennifer. I don't go to my dad being in bad mouth with you. Right. Oh, she didn't she didn't come home and cook. And I'm telling she is lazy. I don't know. I would never don't ever talk down your spouse to anyone. Let alone mom and dad, because that starts. My mom's going to go into mama bear mode.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And that will hinder y'all's relationship. And now she's going to overreach because I'm 45 years old, but that's still my son.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And on the flip side, if you're listening and you have children that are married, right, you can present that as well as well. You can support that as well. You can support like. My daughter has a husband now, and so I support them in their marriage. I'm not going to overstep.
Speaker #0
And trust that God's got it, right? You can't reach it and fix it. As a parent, you may still be trying to fix it, but you can't.
Speaker #1
You can pray about it.
Speaker #0
You can pray about it, but let God be God and let your intercession be the tool that you use to reach and to pull. As parents with children, whether they're adult or even teenage children, I'm speaking to you, let God be God. and stop trying to fight the battle and stop trying to win the war. But let God be God. He is El Shaddai. It's a job for him. And you can pray. And the song says, this is how we fight our battles. And fight that on your knees and pray and stand still, as Moses said, and see the salvation of the Lord. So I just want to speak that life over you, that you're not in anxiety and trying to fight the war because it's already been fought and won through Jesus.
Speaker #1
Amen. Always start with that prayer. And I would love to just hear, I know this is a hot topic. I would love to hear some feedback of things that the other couples are going through or ways that they have put boundaries in place that have really worked well.
Speaker #0
Light us up. And if you want us to go deeper or expand on other topics, let us know because we want to support you in these areas that can sometimes be used by the enemy to create strife and dissension and discord. ultimately does what? Destroy the unit. Because that's his goal to kill, to steal, and to destroy. There is a resource that we have that will help you learn more about one another. It's called the Oak Haven Know Me, Love Me game. Absolutely free. It's a great resource. It's oakhavencomedy.com slash game. It's free. It's got some music in the background. You can play along. And it's super fun to learn. We say spouse, but you can send it to, I guess, someone else if you really want to. wanted to but it's for couples it's for couples see if you know what your couple like you think you know your spouse so um see what questions they're really fun questions one question was uh i think was it tripped me up was who you wanted to spend lunch with in the bible yes that was i actually had to think about that for a minute yeah i think you got it wrong yeah but i got yours wrong, but it's okay.
Speaker #1
It creates conversations based off of the answers that you didn't get correct. It's really fun to go back and say, Hey, why did you pick such and such? Or you were like, that is not right. You picked the wrong answer. And I'm like, no.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I would have never asked, who do you want to eat lunch with in the Bible? So it is a great way to again, foster communication, bring up a conversation, um, and something that's different and fun, mix it up a little bit, keep things light and fun on date night. So it's okay. But company.com slash game always it's in the show notes and description for you to click and easy. You'll have a great time, great fun and get it today. There's also some things coming up. This around the corner, you want to be in the loop about.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's coming up in November. So just a few weeks away. Stay tuned. We're going to have a really great week focusing on your marriage. And so make sure you're signed up either for our newsletter and or follow us on social.
Speaker #0
Don't want to miss it.
Speaker #1
We'll give you all the details. You can sign up for it, but it's. It's all free and you're going to get some really great resources for your marriage and to make sure you are ready to go for the new year as well.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. So make sure you sign up for our e-newsletter. It comes out once a week. Also stay tuned to the episodes that drop here in a few weeks because we'll be sharing it as well. So you don't want this is not the time to be a detractor. Stay plugged in. We love you guys. We're praying for you every single day. Jen had a wonderful suggestion really came up on her heart. We, those of you who don't know, we have a relationship vision planner and we've had orders come in. So we have a map that we have on our wall in our. command center in our home. And that map is on our wall. And we pray and speak over where that planner has gone. So we're praying for your marriages. We're praying for those states and that we believe all fit. We can shade it in, but we're praying for you every single day. And we believe God's best is ahead just for you and be encouraged to know that his plan will be accomplished in your lives. Join us next week. Thanks for listening. And remember, it's wisdom that builds the house. God bless.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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Transcription

Speaker #0
What happens when honoring your father and mother starts quietly working against you honoring your spouse? This is a good one. It's going to be a holiday tradition no one will bend on. Maybe it's a parent who still calls the shots on decisions that should be yours. Maybe it's about advice that didn't ask for showing up. Or maybe it's actually them showing up to your house and they weren't invited. It's the tension that nobody names out loud. You can't honor your parent and still meet boundaries with them. And if you don't build those boundaries on purpose, they'll get built for you. Today, I'm talking all about biblical boundaries with in-laws and parents and stick around because by the end of this episode today, we have a language and a conversation you have been avoiding for years. Let's get into it. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Hello, friend. We are so glad you have tuned in and joined us for another great episode. We are the Turners, and this is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So you can get anything from today's episode. that uplifts you, encourages you, or gives you even some instruction, all we ask in return is a like and a subscribe or a text to a friend. It really will help this content reach more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you so much for joining us today. We're excited to dive into this, but make sure you keep those comments coming. Let us know what you think. If you agree, disagree, we'd love to hear it either way. So keep those coming. We love to hear from everyone out there?
Speaker #0
We out. Absolutely love to hear from you. Today's episode is being brought to you by the good folks over at Oak Haven Company. They've got a brand new game called Know Me, Love Me. And if you have played the newlywed game before, it's very similar to that. You get 10 questions and you can answer that about your spouse, what you think they answered. That's right. And then they flip flop. They'll answer yours and you see who has the most points and they have the winner as super fun questions. Very fun categories. You can play together or you can text them their answers and get more points. The last four questions count double. So it's super fun.
Speaker #1
Super fun. I would definitely encourage you to try it out. It's free.
Speaker #0
It's free. No ads, no pop ups.
Speaker #1
Use it with your phone. I'm sure you're all on your phone at some point of the day. So fill out those questions. Send some back. See what your spouse sends back. You think you might know them.
Speaker #0
You think you do.
Speaker #1
But you're not going to get 100%.
Speaker #0
Let me tell you. Ooh, there's a challenge. Who can get 100%?
Speaker #1
Both of them? Oof. I don't know. I love that.
Speaker #0
I love that challenge. I love it because we did not get 100%. We did not. We did not.
Speaker #1
They're super fun questions, though. Lighthearted. You'll love it. Gets you talking. Shows you the answers. And you can be like, what? That's not right. So it's super fun. Try it out. Let us know what you think about it.
Speaker #0
OKvencompany.com slash game. Get it today. Don't need to download anything. You can play it right there on your browser. Super fun. I am excited about this episode. It's a hot button topic.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And so it is your parents aren't your spouse. So you're not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #1
Not married to mom, pa.
Speaker #0
Okay. All right.
Speaker #1
Married to you.
Speaker #0
Okay. Husband. Okay.
Speaker #1
And so there should be some boundaries is what we're saying.
Speaker #0
There should be some boundaries, we believe, and we base everything that we say upon God's word. you This can really get dicey. Yes. Because on both sides where parents sometimes overstep their boundaries and I have seen parents show up unannounced to to homes or still giving advice or making decisions or running the relationship that they really should not be making those decisions. Don't buy the car or because we gave you the money that that gives us a right. to decide which house you get, live in spouses because they have a room or because you had to move back home. Now you're in my roof. How does that work? So there's a lot of different, it really can get dicey when we're talking about parents or in-laws, especially those in-laws and how they play into a marriage. What do you say about that?
Speaker #1
Well, I'll start with family's important, right? So honoring your father and mother. There's a command in the Bible. So it's important that you are honoring your father and your mother. So your family, where you came from, who raised you, how you were brought up. However, you can still honor your parents and still have boundaries. It still may be necessary in that relationship to have boundaries. So we can talk through how that plays out. By still keeping that honoring going on and still needing to set some boundaries with our parents.
Speaker #0
Why do boundaries need to be set?
Speaker #1
Boundaries first need to be set because the parents are acting or doing something that is not in alignment with either God's word or what you have set up in your specific marriage.
Speaker #0
Okay, I'm going to say what you said. I was going to ask you, what is that? boundary or that they're crossing or how are they not responding? But you want to answer that or no?
Speaker #1
Go for it.
Speaker #0
No, I'm asking.
Speaker #1
Oh, well, we can start with you're now married.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So I don't know if you wanted to talk about the Bible verse and stuff, but you are now married. So you are in a relationship, you and one other person, and that is your marriage. Okay. Marriage is, well, also the Lord. I like to say the marriage is husband, wife, and the Lord.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
It doesn't include other people.
Speaker #0
Ooh, okay.
Speaker #1
There needs to be a tighter circle in the marriage. And then your family is a circle outside of the marriage. It's how I've heard it before as well, taught.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
You're giving me a look like. No,
Speaker #0
I'm listening.
Speaker #1
And so you have now created, you've come into covenant relationship with this person and you should have a relationship that is built upon the word of God and the things that you two are deciding for your marriage. And so when you have other people speaking into that, whether or not it's your parents who should, of course, be high on that list of relationships of people you're honoring.
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
There is a boundary that they shouldn't be crossing into that marriage. So that's where I was coming from.
Speaker #0
So there's levels, whether your parents, maybe they know the Lord, maybe they don't know the Lord. You know, definitely if they are not followers of the word of God or followers of biblical principles. There should be even a higher level of boundary because they're not going to speak the same things of how you base your life and your decisions. But I want to read for your scripture. It is found in Genesis at the very, very beginning of creation, the beginning of humanity. We're just kicking this thing off. And God says in verse 24, when he makes Adam, puts him to sleep, takes the rib and makes this woman, this other version. from the man he says therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave become joined unto his wife and that's why he took the woman from the rib like you're hitched together you are one and he goes and he says it and they shall be one flesh right that's in genesis chapter two but i wanted to bring a call out because it's something that you guys may have overlooked or may not have even thought about.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
There's actually three instances where we find this verse. We find this because the Bible says, out of two or three witnesses, let every word be established. So in Genesis chapter two, again, in first Corinthians chapter six, Paul talks about it. And then in Matthew 19, Jesus echoes and he quotes Genesis. So we find three different people, Old Testament and New Testament saying. You got to leave mom and dad. So I believe this has to be a topic that's of importance because God wouldn't have had it mentioned three times if it wasn't something that was very, very heavy in relationships. And I've seen this ruin marriages because the father-in-law, like, you should not. I know your dad's probably listening, and I think he would agree. Hey, Pop. is that... You shouldn't respect your dad more than you respect me. I shouldn't take care of my mom more than I take care of you because you're my wife. And outside of Jesus, this is a relationship that I am held accountable for and should be most important. I'm not at home anymore. When I said I do, I said I do to you. And so now my responsibility comes to you, not my mom.
Speaker #1
And that's pretty deep. That's pretty heavy. I feel like some people would be a little shaken up by that. Like, wait a second.
Speaker #0
Let's go back. Let's go back just so you can hear it. Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother? I know mama raised me, took me to basketball practice, and she sacrificed and blood is thicker than water. None of that's in scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right? That's my own opinion. But I have to look at scripture.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. And shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I'm not operating in unity if I'm not cleaving to you.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And now we're in disunity and that's division. And it causes and it will cause separation, withdrawal, contempt and a wall because I'm not honoring the person that God's brought into my life.
Speaker #1
Definitely cracks in the foundation. And I feel like cultures and different cultures really, really place importance on family. And so when somebody might hear that, they might take a step back and like, whoa, My parents are my priority. I'm going to take care of them. They took care of me. They come first. And our marriage can survive my parents being first. I can put aside what he may need in the moment because my parents need me.
Speaker #0
My parents will always be there. They always got my back. Whatever happens, well, now we're talking down. And now I'm pushing down this covenant relationship. Oh, so I'm going to speak deaf to my marriage. We won't work out, but my mom and dad will.
Speaker #1
Right. Or I can always go back. They got my back. They'll always be there for me no matter what. Like, why aren't you saying that about your husband or your wife? And so are we looking at the marriage covenant as important as we should? Maybe is where this is stemming from. And then also just culturally raising our family up on a pedestal more so like an idol, like that comes before anything and everything. And so it can show up in a lot of different ways. You mentioned some of them, but. Even once you're married, the discussions that are happening between us, a lot of times, how do we spend our holidays? Who do we go visit? Who are we letting, you know, help us financially? Who's giving us parenting advice?
Speaker #0
Where do the kids go? Who's keeping the kids? But definitely holidays. What traditions? And, you know, you may be driving all around the city on Thanksgiving and Christmas because as you got. Cousin Graham and Aunt Tukey and Buffalo Bill and, you know, just whoa. And we're, again, we can honor family and we can honor mom and dad and those who have been in our circle. We can do that. But at the same time, we should not allow relationships that are external to cause strife in between the one that matters the most. At the end of the day, we are not going to fight. Over where we have a tuna sandwich for Easter.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. And there may be a lot. You may be feeling a lot of pressure.
Speaker #0
That's good.
Speaker #1
From your family.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
And so you feel.
Speaker #0
You used to come over. You used to call me every day. Now you married. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #1
All right.
Speaker #0
I still love you.
Speaker #1
Or to be part of this family. You come spend Easter with us. Or, you know.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You're expected to be here at every birthday party or whatever it is. Every family is different. But there's those outside pressures, influences and expectations that have you ever even sat down and talked to your spouse about, you know, preferably before you get married. So, you know, before that comes into a marriage. But yeah,
Speaker #0
definitely before you hopefully you talk about that before you get married, because, again, those external factors. And it's the saying is you don't marry just the spouse, you marry the whole family. You got to give some credence to that because there's a lot of those factors that come into, especially for a guy. If the wife is honoring her dad more than me, that's you really, really want to look at that because it creates feelings of insecurity, disrespect. If you can, at the jump of the hat, your dad calls and say, I need you here and you're there. What about me?
Speaker #1
Without even a discussion.
Speaker #0
Discussion or if I ask you for something, it's like pulling dogs and cats. Right. It's backwards and your husband's going to see that and feel not loved by you.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And it's something you don't want to do. You don't want to at the same time get flowers for mom, never get flowers for your wife.
Speaker #1
Right. So instead, we can put boundaries in place. So we still are honoring our families. Okay. We can put boundaries in place as a form of really protecting.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
Protecting the marriage. Not just rejecting the family.
Speaker #0
100%. And we're not advocating rejection.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
What we're saying is a lot of times, at least in my experience with church members and just counseling in general, there's been overreach and overstep because now they want to control this relationship. And sometimes it is out of.
Speaker #1
Care or love. Care or love. They're trying to help. We don't want to see you get hurt. Right.
Speaker #0
Right. But at the end of the day, I married you.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we should be able as a couple to have conversations. And. come up with boundaries together, right? So it should be a united front.
Speaker #0
We should talk about this, discuss it, and pray over it. I want to make a clear distinction between a boundary and a wall. A boundary does not end a relationship. A wall ends a relationship. So a boundary says, hey, this is an area where I respect you and honor you. I will hear your input. By the end of the day, this is our decision.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
So there was an example of I had a question actually from a listener. And the question was their parent wanted to come spend the night. They were moving and they wanted to come spend the night. And parents said, hey, I'm coming over. And they were like, whoa, let me check with my spouse first and just make sure it's okay. And the parent got upset. It was like, hey, how dare you?
Speaker #1
Like, why do you even need to ask? Why do you even need to ask? Right.
Speaker #0
You know, I raised you. I should always have a space in my, in my, in your house.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And they were like, yes, I understand that. Number one. Number two. Sorry. Number two. My spouse is going to say yes, but out of respect for them, I still should ask.
Speaker #1
Right. I still should let them know, make sure the day is fine. Yeah. Of course, we're not saying he doesn't want you there. She doesn't want you there. They love you.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
We're going to try to help any possible way, but there needs to be a united front between the two people in a marriage.
Speaker #0
So again, boundary, not a wall.
Speaker #1
Not a wall. And sometimes when you were saying that, what if you have a boundary and you present that to your family and they determine that that's a wall? Like, okay, you put that boundary in place. That's not okay. You know, kind of shun you, push you aside.
Speaker #0
and prayerfully There's believers involved, most likely. Everyone in that scenario probably is not a follower of God's word. And so you have to present it in love.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And care. And really, really pray before even presenting it. Say, God, you know, open the hearts so that those who hear can receive.
Speaker #1
Absolutely.
Speaker #0
And really, really choose those words carefully. And that's when we talked about it last week about. taking some time to think. Yeah, you really need some time to think on that one. Don't just spur them on with that one. And really choose those words and have those words. The Scripture says season with grace. Hey, we love you. We are here. You'll always be here in this specific area. This is going to be our decision. And we ask that you respect and honor that so that we can move forward together. You know, but sometimes you're going to have to take a stand and honor it because I got to follow God's word. I have to honor my spouse. Right. So I have to honor you. If that means my parents for a time, maybe I understand or uncle so-and-so don't understand. Okay. I've got to go with God's word.
Speaker #1
Amen. Right. Pray about it. Pray that they come around.
Speaker #0
I didn't go in there yelling. You ain't going, you know, we're not. Nope, nope, nope. Back away. No, we're going to be calm. We're going to be loving. We're going to pray. We're going to plan. We're going to pursue. And we believe the spirit of God because love covers a multitude. We're going to believe that a soft answer turns away raft. We're going to hang on those promises and believe that. Okay. Because I'm now choosing to obey God. Not that every time I obey God, it's going to be. roses, but because I'm choosing to obey God, I believe that things will come into alignment.
Speaker #1
That's right. And I think it's really important that you talk first with your spouse, of course, and come up with whatever boundary that you need to put in place and come across as a united front. So like you're coming to the family as a team, like as a marriage, as a married couple versus, you know, throwing your spouse under the bus and saying like, oh, He doesn't want you over here or. You know, making your spouse to be the bad guy in the situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah.
Speaker #1
You need to present yourself as a married couple.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And really, that's the ultimate example of showing, like, how important that marriage is to you.
Speaker #0
Right. And I'm kind of hearing something in the background. You know, well, my parents live with us, so they can show, okay, we're not talking to you. You know, or if that's how you roll, great. But we want to. Clearly state that there should be boundaries with whether it's parents or uncles, brothers, sisters, best friends. But specifically, this episode was about family members. But there should always be a boundary where I don't talk to my mom about problems with Jennifer. I don't go to my dad being in bad mouth with you. Right. Oh, she didn't she didn't come home and cook. And I'm telling she is lazy. I don't know. I would never don't ever talk down your spouse to anyone. Let alone mom and dad, because that starts. My mom's going to go into mama bear mode.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And that will hinder y'all's relationship. And now she's going to overreach because I'm 45 years old, but that's still my son.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And on the flip side, if you're listening and you have children that are married, right, you can present that as well as well. You can support that as well. You can support like. My daughter has a husband now, and so I support them in their marriage. I'm not going to overstep.
Speaker #0
And trust that God's got it, right? You can't reach it and fix it. As a parent, you may still be trying to fix it, but you can't.
Speaker #1
You can pray about it.
Speaker #0
You can pray about it, but let God be God and let your intercession be the tool that you use to reach and to pull. As parents with children, whether they're adult or even teenage children, I'm speaking to you, let God be God. and stop trying to fight the battle and stop trying to win the war. But let God be God. He is El Shaddai. It's a job for him. And you can pray. And the song says, this is how we fight our battles. And fight that on your knees and pray and stand still, as Moses said, and see the salvation of the Lord. So I just want to speak that life over you, that you're not in anxiety and trying to fight the war because it's already been fought and won through Jesus.
Speaker #1
Amen. Always start with that prayer. And I would love to just hear, I know this is a hot topic. I would love to hear some feedback of things that the other couples are going through or ways that they have put boundaries in place that have really worked well.
Speaker #0
Light us up. And if you want us to go deeper or expand on other topics, let us know because we want to support you in these areas that can sometimes be used by the enemy to create strife and dissension and discord. ultimately does what? Destroy the unit. Because that's his goal to kill, to steal, and to destroy. There is a resource that we have that will help you learn more about one another. It's called the Oak Haven Know Me, Love Me game. Absolutely free. It's a great resource. It's oakhavencomedy.com slash game. It's free. It's got some music in the background. You can play along. And it's super fun to learn. We say spouse, but you can send it to, I guess, someone else if you really want to. wanted to but it's for couples it's for couples see if you know what your couple like you think you know your spouse so um see what questions they're really fun questions one question was uh i think was it tripped me up was who you wanted to spend lunch with in the bible yes that was i actually had to think about that for a minute yeah i think you got it wrong yeah but i got yours wrong, but it's okay.
Speaker #1
It creates conversations based off of the answers that you didn't get correct. It's really fun to go back and say, Hey, why did you pick such and such? Or you were like, that is not right. You picked the wrong answer. And I'm like, no.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And I would have never asked, who do you want to eat lunch with in the Bible? So it is a great way to again, foster communication, bring up a conversation, um, and something that's different and fun, mix it up a little bit, keep things light and fun on date night. So it's okay. But company.com slash game always it's in the show notes and description for you to click and easy. You'll have a great time, great fun and get it today. There's also some things coming up. This around the corner, you want to be in the loop about.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's coming up in November. So just a few weeks away. Stay tuned. We're going to have a really great week focusing on your marriage. And so make sure you're signed up either for our newsletter and or follow us on social.
Speaker #0
Don't want to miss it.
Speaker #1
We'll give you all the details. You can sign up for it, but it's. It's all free and you're going to get some really great resources for your marriage and to make sure you are ready to go for the new year as well.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. So make sure you sign up for our e-newsletter. It comes out once a week. Also stay tuned to the episodes that drop here in a few weeks because we'll be sharing it as well. So you don't want this is not the time to be a detractor. Stay plugged in. We love you guys. We're praying for you every single day. Jen had a wonderful suggestion really came up on her heart. We, those of you who don't know, we have a relationship vision planner and we've had orders come in. So we have a map that we have on our wall in our. command center in our home. And that map is on our wall. And we pray and speak over where that planner has gone. So we're praying for your marriages. We're praying for those states and that we believe all fit. We can shade it in, but we're praying for you every single day. And we believe God's best is ahead just for you and be encouraged to know that his plan will be accomplished in your lives. Join us next week. Thanks for listening. And remember, it's wisdom that builds the house. God bless.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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