- Speaker #0
There's a dangerous lie living in marriages right now. It's the lie of if my spouse loved me, then they would know how I feel. They know I'm exhausted. They know that I need more. They know that I stopped asking because I never seem to be going anywhere. So then you go quiet and then they think everything's fine and you are not fine. And then we have this big kaboom, Listen, today we're talking all about the communication gap that doesn't look like a problem. Until it's too late. And stick around because by the end of today's episode, I promise you, we're going to give you three sentences that you can say today to open up any conversation you've given up on. Find out right now. Let's go. It is another great day here in Oak Haven land, Oak Haven company. It's the Home Haven podcast, your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. Hey everyone, we are the Turners and we're so glad you're here. However you are watching or listening, thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining us and tuning in, spending a little bit of your day with... Jen and myself.
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The two of us. Thank you all for coming in.
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Just the two of us. We can make it if we try. Just the two of us. Just the two of us.
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And if you're getting anything from these episodes, be sure to give us a like and subscribe. We're so glad you're here. We love the comments. We love the feedback. So keep it coming. We do. And join just the two of us.
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Drop your comments below. And always, if you want to keep it private, then you can always email us. Hi, OK, the company dot com. Again, we do appreciate every comment, suggestion, question. It makes it worthwhile. So thank you so much. It is. We lit this thing. I saw last episode.
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We did that.
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Even I don't smell it even doing this.
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If you missed last episode.
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Fire.
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Check it. I can sense it a little bit. This was the signature scent that Terrell created.
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It smelled good with the oils, but with the-
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It's not as strong.
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It's not strong when you light it, which is crazy, because you're supposed to smell it with the candle lit.
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Yes, some candles are more potent than others. Do you remember what flavors-
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I had bergamot, I had pear, and then I had- Sandalwood. Sandalwood. Beachwood sandalwood.
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Sandalwood. So we are enjoying that scent for one more episode. See if we can really smell it. But it was a super fun date. Go make your own candle.
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Or something else. Whatever. You've got to have those weird dates. If it was like being dinner or dinner movie, do something different. Do something out of your comfort zone. It either will make for a great memory or a great story.
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You can laugh at it. Smile at it.
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Yeah. So. Paint, paint class, cook class.
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You have a lot more ideas, so get prepared.
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I have more ideas?
- Speaker #1
I have some ideas. We'll see what's coming up. But it is October. We're enjoying the cooler weather a little bit. And let's dive in.
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Your spouse cannot read your mind in case you were wondering why you're so disappointed. Because we used to have this thing of... They should know how I feel or they should, they should, they should know.
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Right. Or even like.
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I ain't got to tell you, you should know. Why didn't you know that?
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Well, if they, and if they don't know, then maybe he's not my person. Maybe I'm with the wrong person. Right. If they don't know.
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I suppose. And that's just not a fair. Why is that not a fair expectation? We just hit it. Boom.
- Speaker #1
Yes. Off the get go. Your spouse can't read your mind. And also God did not design them to read your mind. They aren't supposed to know. Everything that's in your brain, they aren't supposed to know everything about you. And it's okay if they don't. And we're going to talk through the issues that sometimes that causes when you think your spouse should know. Or, you know, we've been married for 11 years. You should know. And we're going to talk through a little bit about how to reopen conversations when you shut down because they don't know.
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Well, culture today. I feel like it's trained people to have this misalignment to avoid conflict. We are spending time scrolling versus talking. We were having devotion earlier tonight and I had to explain to my children what a house phone.
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was.
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And I always try to explain, well, everyone didn't have their own phone. Someone would call the house and there's a phone plugged into the wall. And let's say someone called from mommy, I would pick up and I'd say, they'd say, Jennifer, then I'd say, well, hold on.
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And then I would have to walk over to that space and pick up the phone.
- Speaker #0
So the point of that story was we have, we are living in a culture where it is. And even with AI, we're getting even more detached from human conversation. So now we're talking to a bot, getting information and like, help me process this versus going to a real person. Hey, what's your idea for this? Or let me bounce this off you. What do you think about this? We're not even asking them, we're talking to AI.
- Speaker #1
I actually just saw a post about what people are using AI for the most in 2026. And the top one was for like therapy or... or to get counseling wow so they would go to ai okay instead of going to like a real a real therapist or to get some counseling and then also are we getting replaced by ai what do i do for my marriage and also to get like their horoscopes and anything that you would go to actually you used to go to see like a real person about they're now turning to ai that's that's the main use of ai versus like other things you can use it. It was just crazy.
- Speaker #0
That is very crazy. I've got some people who are using AI to say, how do I talk to this person? How do I have this conversation with X, Y, Z, which is wild. And if you're watching this and you are a follower of Jesus, then, you know, we believe that we, we asked, we go to God's word for advice and for direction and for insight and understanding clarity versus, you know,
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And we depend on the Holy Spirit versus our AI bot that we have trained to either be our friend or our counselor or whatever the bot is pulling from the Internet. So we believe in going to the word of God, first and foremost, allowing him to speak to us. And so everything you hear us say on this podcast will be based on that.
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So don't run away from conversation. Don't avoid conflict or don't avoid. you know, having conversation, especially with the people that you're living with in the same house, in the same roof. Yes, that's where the enemy wants to bring the most conflict and attack, but we got to make this atmosphere a home of peace and a place where we want to be. And one thing I commonly hear is, and I've been guilty of this, is I stopped talking because I got tired or I stopped talking, I stopped saying because nothing changed. So I just quit and I just gave up.
- Speaker #1
Right. So it started with, you know, he should know to put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.
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Yeah.
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And I don't really like that. So I'm going to bring it up and say, hey, babe, do you mind putting the dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink? Oh, yeah, I'll work on that. And then the next week you go walk by the sink and, oh, there's some dishes in the sink. And you might. be like oh it's okay and then it still bothers you and you're like he should know i've already brought it up maybe i'll maybe i'll say it one more time and you say it one more time and then two weeks go by and then you quit the dishes are still there and so okay i'm i basically give up you gave up on me it's okay i'll just do the dishes okay so what happened and so i don't ever ask again you know i guess we're making this personal are you i'm asking because i
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Are you bringing up your pet peeve because I leave the dishes in the sink? It's not really. I'm probably not getting better. It's worse. Well, honestly, because lunch, I'm like, well, she'll be proud of me because I put the dishes in the sink instead of on the countertop.
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So you're making progress.
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I thought I was doing good. I'm like, I put my salad bowl in the sink.
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But why can't you just put it in the dishwasher? Oh,
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okay. Well, because sometimes the dishwasher is full.
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Sometimes.
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Yeah. So I just put it in the oven. It probably has gone in the oven sometimes. Anyway,
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this is an example of where you get to a point where I'm just not going to bring it up anymore. He knows. He should know. We've talked about it. It's not changing. And so you just kind of give up.
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100%. Have you felt that way, I guess, about the dishes in this or anything else? Because for me, maybe I did try. And maybe I didn't, I don't know.
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Right.
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And then did you just stop and you're like, or did you feel like this dude knows this angers me? He needs to stop. Or for instance, what was it by Felicia? And I kept doing it.
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That actually made me upset.
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Right. So did you feel like, walk us through that? Because did you feel as if. I know this angers you. He keeps doing this. I'm just going to quit. Walk us through that.
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No, that one. I wasn't going to quit because that actually bothered me.
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Okay.
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So the dishes are not like a pet peeve of mine. Do I wish that you put the dishes in the dishwasher? Absolutely. Have we talked about it multiple times? Yes, we have. Is it getting done? No, it's not. But so in that case, I'm just like, I'm, you know, blessed to have a husband. I'm happy to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I'm happy to do the dishes. It takes extra time, but it's okay. The other thing, like that actually bothered me. And so I didn't want to let that die as much. But it is hard to bring up at times, I would say, because it's more of like an emotional reaction. And sometimes I wouldn't know or have the words to communicate that to you. So I would just like be silent or like turn away and walk away and not. like verbally have a conversation with you, walking you through it, but just like shut down.
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Okay.
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And so expecting you to know I'm mad about that.
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Okay.
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So that's another example.
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How did that work for you?
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I mean, back then that you knew that I was upset about something. And at some points you were just like, ha ha, that's really funny.
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Okay.
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You know? But at some point you're like, oh, it's, it's serious. It's not like a joking ha ha thing.
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Okay.
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And so let's talk about it. Does it really make you upset? And I'm like, yes, that really annoys me.
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Okay.
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So please stop.
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Okay.
- Speaker #1
And so you actually did stop that.
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I actually did? No. Yes, I did.
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Yeah. No, I'm saying in comparison to the dishes.
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Okay. Okay. Because the dishes don't bother you.
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Okay. Well, I'm just, you told me to walk you through the example. So that was a little bit different of an example, but it was still. I felt like you should know that after a couple times that we talked about it. But yeah, I still had to be able to have a conversation with you or we could actually work through that instead of like we're saying, just forget about it or shut down or I'm not even going to bring it up anymore because he should know and he's not changing.
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Right. So what you're demonstrating is called a quiet, unspoken expectation. And those are like Adam. bombs when it comes to a relationship, because when you do not communicate an expectation, you have an expectation of this should be this way, but you have not communicated it. And then your spouse is not performing or living up to that expectation. Then we've got to disconnect. And now there's going to be built resentment, but you haven't communicated it. They should be doing this. Or if I were them, I would have said this. I would have responded this way. Well, that's, they're not you. And so unless you communicate, Hey, this is how I expect a response in this area, or this is how I expect. For instance, when we first got married, um, I was expecting just naturally like, Hey, I'm going on to get some breakfast.
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Right.
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I would expect you to be like, you would say, I'm going to get some breakfast. I'll be like, okay, I'll come down here. You're eating a bowl of cereal. I have nothing ever. I'm like, I would have expected like. I would have made you some breakfast or I would have offered you something. Well, guess what? She's not me. And we didn't have that communication. Right. And I can't just be like, oh, what a horrible person you are versus like, I don't know your background, your story. And I had to ask, why didn't you do this? And you're like, well, I've never thought about that. I've only been living with myself for 20, 30 years. So I apologize. Right. We're still getting used to this thing. And so we had to work through that because you lived by yourself. 30 years, 32 years? I mean,
- Speaker #1
I was with my parents until, but yes, that wasn't, yeah, I lived by myself for quite a long time. And even with roommates, we talked about, like I lived with roommates, but I never made them breakfast. Like I came downstairs and did my own thing. And if you're not coming with me into the kitchen to make breakfast together, I didn't know, you know, those expectations, like you said. Now, I will say when you're talking about. You should set the expectations of what you want or expect your partner to do. I kind of am like, ah, because I don't like telling other people what to do unless they're like underneath me. Like if I was a teacher, I can tell my teacher assistant what to do. Or if they're my kids, I can tell them what to do. But I think it's helpful if we walk people through how to bring that discussion about because. I would feel uncomfortable if you're telling me, go in and tell your husband, this is what I expect from you.
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Yeah. So that's not where I was coming from. So where I'm coming from with expectations of is, you know, again. You did not, you were expecting me to know that me saying bye Felicia to you was hurting you and I had no clue. And so he should know that makes me upset. Doesn't he see me getting silent? Doesn't he see me like blah, blah, blah.
- Speaker #1
Well,
- Speaker #0
obviously I'm not only getting it because I keep doing it.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
Okay. And so you had, you had unfair expectations that were uncommunicated. And so it was, Hey, Terrell, when you say this, it really hurts. Like, I don't like this. And I may have said it, but maybe it didn't get through. So I really want to take some time to tell you, this really annoys me and I don't like it. I know you think it's funny, but it's not funny to me. It's kind of hurting me. So ding, ding, ding, message received. Oh, it's not funny. Oh, okay. You know, this is really bothering you. You're not joking when it bothers you. And then it's not like. Why does it bother you? It shouldn't bother you. I'm just playing. I'm just joking. Well, it doesn't matter. It irritates you or it comes across to you as not funny. I need to stop. And so that's what I did. And so that's what I mean by setting expectations of, let's have a conversation of, hey, when I came downstairs and I didn't see breakfast, I kind of felt hurt. I felt hurt because I didn't feel considered. I didn't feel considered because It's just your plate. So...
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Right. And that's a totally different way of communicating that to your partner than, you know, the next day being like, look, I expect you to have my breakfast made as my wife at the table at 7 a.m. You know, that's a different way.
- Speaker #0
That's not how we want to communicate that. And that's not... Hopefully you didn't hear that when I said expectation. Right. Because we're not talking about, hey, I expect dinner at 7 o'clock. on the dot sharp and I expect, you know, wonderful times X amount of times a week. And I, you know, that's, we're not talking about expectation. We're talking about here, things that we feel like our partner should be doing or saying, and we're not getting that in return because we haven't communicated it.
- Speaker #1
Right. Or there's some things that are really bothering you about some type of behavior or tone or something that's. going on in the relationship. And so we have some sample sentences. That's right. Three of them.
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Go ahead and give it to them.
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And you did some great ones already. I did. As on the fly to be more specific to the examples that we were given. But number one, we can start with something like, there's something I've wanted to say, haven't really known how to bring it up.
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Powerful. Love it. There's something I've been wanting to say, haven't really known how to bring it up. Now. Hopefully it triggers even deeper conversation because for me, it's like, why would you not know how to bring this up to me? Let's fix that.
- Speaker #1
Right. That's the deeper problem. Let's deal with that. Right.
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So a gentleman, ring-a-ding-ding-ding, there's a conversation you can have if she says, I haven't known how to bring this up. Don't feel bad or negative or why. Let's go deeper. Hey, well, you know what? Why don't you feel comfortable?
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Right.
- Speaker #0
And it might not be you. It might be her own insecurities or things she's had in her past that she needs to hopefully feel vulnerable, create a safe space for her to share and that there's healing and deliverance can come through those things. But we want to find out what's hindering you from coming to me. Let's break that barrier.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. And I feel like that sentence also prevents the other person from being on the defensive immediately. So it's not like I have to talk to you about this something. You're doing something wrong. So that is a little bit softer of an opening. The second sentence, a lot of people may feel led to say something like, I'm not going to bring this up. I'm not trying to start a fight or I'm not bringing this up in order to make you mad. We want to switch that language a little bit more so and say something along the lines of I'm bringing this up because I trust you and I want us to be closer and I need it. I need to share something with you.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. The moment you say, I'm not trying to start a fight, defenses go up, but he's trying to start something, right? So we don't want to say that language. Number two, we don't want to speak negative. We don't want to speak doubt and unbelief and put the negative and the problem already in the atmosphere. Because we believe that when we talk and we have communication, it's going to be sweet. And that our words are covered with grace. The Bible says, let your words be seasoned with grace. And so we believe that because of that, because we have a watch over our mouth. that you're going to be receptive to me. I'm going to be receptive to you. So we're not going to speak. We're going to fight.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. Absolutely. And then once you've started that conversation, then ask them. Can I share this with you? Or is this a good time to talk about that? And let them respond instead of just blah, pouring everything out at once. Give them the opportunity to gather breath and let you know, okay, yes, lay it on me. Like, what do you have to share? I'm happy to hear whatever it is that's on your heart because.
- Speaker #0
And maybe you don't just say yes. Maybe it takes time to breathe.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
Hey, is it a good time to talk to me? Yeah, go ahead and talk. Breathe. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Holy Spirit, help me to understand. Help me to not be judgmental. Help me to listen and hear to understand. Okay, go ahead.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. Or even pray together. If you know that that's a catalyst that will start something that gets you back and forth in your emotions, let's just pray together. Lord, help this conversation run smoothly. Like you said, our words be sweet, full of life, and pray together even.
- Speaker #0
All right, third one.
- Speaker #1
That was the third one. So to start with, there's something I've wanted to say. I haven't known how to bring it up. I'm bringing it up because I trust you. I want us to be closer. Can I share it with you? Is this a good time?
- Speaker #0
Gotcha. Can I share this with you? Is this a good time? So three ways to approach your partner with sharing something on your heart, whether it's serious or even not as serious. It's changing our language to be more accepting, more approaching. And again, Our whole goal is that you have a relationship that's filled with the life, the love, and the joy of God. Because he promised that we will enjoy life and see good days. We don't believe that life has to be a struggle and a ball and chain and your relationship has to be the hardest thing you'll ever do. We believe that when you apply these principles, you really can enjoy life and have it more abundantly. So take those three questions. We'd love to hear how it goes for you. a comment or hi at ohiofacompany.com. And we also have a free resource. It's five powerful prayers that every couple needs. Go to ohiofacompany.com slash five prayers. Download that today. That gets you started on the most important level, which is prayer. And it sounds so fundamental, but I guarantee you a lot of the couples that we meet and talk with are missing that most fundamental step of coming together every single day. seeking God together in his presence, it makes a difference. Hard to criticize you when I'm praying for you.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. And if your spouse isn't quite ready to join you in prayer every day, this is still an amazing guide for you to start praying because one person can pray for marriage and there can be drastic change. So we would encourage you to grab the guide, five powerful prayers that every couple needs. And we provide the scripture, a sample prayer, a place for you to start writing your own personalized specific prayer, which is super important for your relationship as well. So make sure you grab it and start utilizing it. Actually use those prayers and pray those daily over your relationship.
- Speaker #0
Absolutely. It's getting towards the end of the year. A lot of people are starting to get their holiday shopping and planning for Christmas and the new year and all these great things. And we've got some.
- Speaker #1
thing that is absolutely coming and we're excited about it we are super excited it's going to be an awesome week so it's going to be a week event we don't we aren't really seeing all the details quite yet but we want to give you a heads up to be on the lookout for something super exciting and fun for your relationship before we start the new year that's right so go to ohaylandcompany.com you'll see the details there or definitely sign up for the weekly newsletter so you stay in the loop of everything's going on.
- Speaker #0
Having a planner, having a way to plan, pray, and pursue action for this upcoming year is going to set your relationship up for the best year yet. And we're excited about it. So thank you so much for listening, for watching. Remember to like and subscribe. Copy and paste these links into someone else who you think might get something from it. We greatly appreciate it. We look forward to seeing you next week. And remember, wisdom builds the house. God bless. you
