55 | How to Express Love Through Words Without Conflict

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Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words when it comes to expressing love? I know I have. Have you ever wondered how to communicate directly without...
Speaker #1
I know, it was right in my face. Did you see me? I had to...
Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words to say when it comes to expressing your love? I know I have. Have you wondered how to communicate directly without risking the very connection you cherish? In today's episode of the Home to Heaven podcast, we're tackling this very dilemma head on. So join us as we uncover the art of direct communication, how to express this boldly and authentically without the fear of losing it. Let's get into it now. Up next. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so delighted to have you along in this conversation. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are Terrell and Jim Turner against the Home to Haven podcast. And if you get anything from today's episode that makes you smile, encourages you, or lifts you up, all we ask is you give it a like, a thumbs up, and a follow. Help the algorithm reach more people just like yourself. On podcasts... we need a review we need a review from you that's my song i'm terrible thank you let's get some reviews it's been busy uh we just came back from like okonokosi okashini okonoki
Speaker #1
something like that
Speaker #0
something like that.
Speaker #1
Something like that. Got some good rest and relaxation together.
Speaker #0
It was short, but, um, it was good. And, um, it was very needed.
Speaker #1
It was short, but at least we got some time in. It was a good time to spend one-on-one like we like to talk about here on the podcast.
Speaker #0
You gotta make the time, however you do it in the business of life. with the kids and everything you gotta spend time to again get that one-on-one time get alone chill out get one with nature hear the birds and just chill out because man it's life is fast paced and it's a lot going on i'm like why are these weeks going by so fast yeah we sneezed and coughed and it is may it's almost halfway through the year right like what's happening school's almost out summer's coming third graders it's it's uh it's well yeah so a lot you so today we're getting into episode we just episode 50 and it's like five weeks later that's right direct communication how to express your love without losing it so that could be how to express without losing love the love that's been built or also without losing like your mind yeah like losing it yeah exactly it's so key because a lot of times oh i know in my experience with people it's can be difficult trying to express what you feel you without going bonkers, especially with someone who can sometimes press the buttons.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And you want to click the pencil and just stab them right in the throat. Oh, no. So it's like, oh. Getting frustrated. Right. How do you move past that and not allow your emotions and feelings to get out of hand to where now you start yelling and throwing out words that, oh, I wish I could take those back because once you say it, you.
Speaker #1
they're out there.
Speaker #0
They're out there. Yeah. How do we navigate this?
Speaker #1
So we've been talking, of course, every episode about communication, but this is really how to be direct. And sometimes you might think of direct as mean or not so nice. So we're going to talk about how you can actually be direct.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And should you be able to be direct and how to be direct with your partner? So starting off. should you be able to be straight up direct with your partner and whatever you're feeling?
Speaker #0
What's the question again? Should I be able to be direct? My mic's doing something kind of funky.
Speaker #1
Okay, well, let's fix that so we can get...
Speaker #0
get that we'd be able to be correct um straight to the point say it how it is is how i can't say you should be because everyone's different okay i think you need to understand know how to navigate the communication the communication style of the person you're talking with so if we're specifically talking about our partner yes you might not be able to come out and just say like i don't think i just come out and be like you know your dress looks hideous are you sure right i have to use some tact and some wisdom like again you want to there's a way to express what i need to say that's specifically tailored to the receiver and that is the art of communicating that is an art now
Speaker #1
would you say you can still be direct to me and say you know babe i'm not really feeling this outfit or yes if there's a specific thing to point out yes you should be able to tell me that, hopefully.
Speaker #0
Yes, without repercussions of the losing it.
Speaker #1
How dare you say that to me?
Speaker #0
How dare you? this is my body. This is my outfit. My money paid for this. Right. So I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. So really keep your mouth shut and don't you ever come to me again. Like what wall?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I've got a wall that's up and I'm going to be very, very passive to ever come to you again.
Speaker #1
And I'll say, we'll see if I ever ask his opinion on anything I wear.
Speaker #0
And so now you're not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. and we got resentment and no communication.
Speaker #1
And there's that gap is building deeper.
Speaker #0
Deeper and deeper. And your needs aren't getting met. And my desires aren't getting fulfilled because you won't, you're not bending and I'm not talking.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Welcome to the Home Naming Podcast. We are Terrell and Jen Turner, and we help couples communicate effectively in their relationships.
Speaker #1
That's right. So that was a bit of a tangent, but we're going to talk about how you can be direct and still be respectful and loving and kind. Do you think that's possible?
Speaker #0
Oh, 100%.
Speaker #1
100%. So we can still show respect. still show humility, but directly communicate with our partners.
Speaker #0
Like right now I'm going to say, Jen, please try not to breathe into the microphone so that it doesn't pop. And I spend many hours editing.
Speaker #1
Got it. Can you show me an example?
Speaker #0
So you're going to breathe through your nose. And so whenever you talk in breath,
Speaker #1
but you can't hear my nose breathing. Correct. Just the mouth.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'll try. I'm going to try. This is, this is different for me.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
To really. be so focused on what on talking your body is doing while you're communicating yes so i can say the words fine just not how i'm saying the words okay okay okay so let's keep going great job okay so we've been talking a lot about direct communication with showing love so we talk about love languages a lot so showing um your partner what they need through their love language an example would be of course words of affirmation that's a pretty simple one so you can show them direct communication by saying what's an example of a good words of affirmation that you could tell me now i
Speaker #0
do like your shirt and the necklace outfit and there's a gnat flying around that he will not die yeah he's been around for a while but yes uh you look nice today i like your makeup okay Is that good?
Speaker #1
It's superficial, but yes.
Speaker #0
Superficial?
Speaker #1
Well, I mean, that's just like the outer.
Speaker #0
You said give you a word of information.
Speaker #1
So I look good, right?
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Okay. So we can express our love.
Speaker #0
Okay, well, right there, gentlemen. There's a good lesson of sometimes our default is the physical, and the ladies are looking for something a little bit more deeper. So when you go to compliment your lady, and I have given this tip, is say something more than just you look nice. compliment you know something specific that she did that day that week that month right year that decade and you know that way she can identify something specific that's more meaningful to her than necklace and shirt and makeup so a specific example might be you know trying to think you you and you asked yesterday when i came home you is there anything that I can do to help you? I'll go out and get your food so that when you get home, it's ready for you. I appreciated that.
Speaker #1
Thank you. So you're telling them words of affirmation based upon their character.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Yes. Based upon their character, which I'm not saying, you know, never say words of affirmation because that's a great thing to hear as well, but you can use our words with direct communication. So that's a pretty, pretty easy one with words of affirmation. Now, we can also be direct and show our love through direct communication with acts of service. So you just gave an example of that as well. I asked if there was anything I could do or knowing that you're super busy at work and you really like a good meal and you don't necessarily always love my cooking. I was trying to think of a solution. And so I was presenting that to you through my words. Okay. So that's a great example as well. How about... quality time. We can also communicate directly if we're needing or missing quality time. So you can come to your partner and say, Hey, I've really just missed spending some alone time with you. Is there any night this week that you have free that we could, you know, book a date at home and spend that quality time together.
Speaker #0
The key to all this though is the receiver, right? Because I feel like that's like the perfect scenario. Hey, I kind of spent some time with you. He's like, okay. And it kind of never happens that way. Okay. So it's important, number one, that we are, according to the last episode, choosing our words carefully, our tone carefully. and our time carefully. All these things matter for your message to be received. The whole point of communicating is that you are the sender and there's a receiver. And that message is delivered without filter, without interception. And so finding the perfect time, there might not be a perfect time. You may have to create that time and that moment, but definitely tone. and approach is going to help that get received. And then once it's sent, I now need to recognize you as this is my wife, this is someone who's important, and then listen and hearing. Try to hear what's not being said. And that is something that if I could speak, I don't want to say teach, but if I could give you any kind of nugget in communicating is try to hear what's not being said. Okay. Because everyone isn't a proficient communicator. Right. so what is she trying to say? It might not have came out the correct way. Or what is he trying to say? Men are terrible. Most of us at communicating. What is he trying to say? Give him some kind of point. What is he trying to say and need from you that you can now respond to?
Speaker #1
So we're listening through or listening between the lines of communication. A hundred percent. And I think follow-up questions are great as well. Just to really. get across, I'm trying to hear what you're saying. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. Again, we're on the same team. Let's work this out together. It's not me and you separate. It's you and me together working on this problem if there's a conflict or something.
Speaker #0
Another thing about being direct is, you know, when we say being direct, we're really saying be clear and making sure that we are clear in what it is that we're trying to say. So one of the things, you know, you want to work on being more...
Speaker #1
direct or clear instead of beating around the bush or trying to you know emphasize or you know not being vague so getting to the point right you know just go ahead and say what you need to say say it with your chest you know and so get it out no i think that's a great point because so many times we might want to beat around the bush or try to say it in a certain way so that we hope they hear it in a certain way yeah when we should just say it straight up is what you're saying
Speaker #0
right we had to work through that when it comes to our flirting you're like i was flirting with you hey baby i have no idea what that means hey what's up no i was saying hi no it went over my head right no clue right no say what you mean save the chest so we've had that you had to say, well, for me, I need you to be very direct and just say what you mean. Okay. That was a little awkward for me, but got to sit in my chest. So you've got to work on those things and work through that and get to that point so that no intent is being left by the wayside. I want to hear what you got to say.
Speaker #1
Right. And I will say, as you practice that, or really take that into consideration as you communicate throughout. your relationship, it will start building and you start becoming more familiar with the other person and you start realizing like, Hey, I can really come to him and say this and it's not going to end in. disaster and hopefully you are being received well as you know that's may not always be the case but if you are getting that back that's just going to build up and up and up amos three and three two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement or in alignment so this
Speaker #0
takes place by spending time together by planning some time getting together one-on-one and we'll again being intentful these conversations are just us talking like we talk all throughout the day you which we encourage you all to do is to spend that time, get some time once throughout the week, you got to put in the calendar, you got to plan it that you all can get together and talk about what do you like, what you don't like, when to say it, when not to say it, how to say it, when not to say it. Okay. I really want. And that way we're taking notes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I get, I'll honor that. I'll honor that. I'll receive that. I'll honor you and you'll honor me. And there is that reciprocity going back and forth. This is not scheduled. We're probably ranting. We forgot the clock, but I want to teach a concept here that many people are not familiar with. And it is really, you know, serving, coming as a second leader in our ministry. It's the harmony of, first there's harmony of mind. Okay, so harmony of mind is where your thoughts become my actions. Okay, and so you are talking to me, communicating to me. how you like things done.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So that's the harmony of mind. Harmony of heart. We're now, my actions are your thoughts. So I'm not being told, but I'm where I'm at. I am in step with you acting or doing what you're thinking. And so that can come at a point in time in our relationship where, and I've talked to you, I've said, wait a minute, we are not in sync. Because normally what's going on? Because normally we're aligned, we're thinking the same, we're talking the same, but what's going on? Do we need a timeout? Do we need a powwow? Do we need to go? Do we need a date night? Like what do we need to do to get back on the same page? Because I'm thinking one thing, you're saying something different, and this is not our normal operation.
Speaker #1
So we can do that by getting, again, building upon. the shared experiences that we have. So ultimately what was that second one? The harmony of hearts.
Speaker #0
Harmony of heart.
Speaker #1
So that only becomes over time and over learning the other person. And only after sharing those experiences, like I said, where, okay, now I can trust you with what I'm saying, or now I can actually receive the things that you're saying to me because, you know, if you might've said that. second week of marriage, I probably would have been like in the closet crying, but now we get,
Speaker #0
no, but it's a good point. It's gotta be received. What are some things are some tips for the wives or fiance's like to receive, like how, how can I be, how do you receive me or how was there a point where you didn't receive me? And if so, how did you get to a point where you did receive my input thoughts, actions, decisions, X, Y, Z, you name it.
Speaker #1
Again, I think it's always going to take time. It's always going to take those shared experiences. And it's also going to take you understanding that your partner is not going to meet every single one of your needs and that they're not going to be perfect. And you can't look to them for your identity or. really anything above God. And so when you're in the word and you're praying and you're meditating on his word, like you learn all of God's truths for your life. And so really whatever else you say ultimately doesn't really matter.
Speaker #0
What I say doesn't matter?
Speaker #1
Ultimately. Okay. So you have to get to the, that point that you could tell me anything, but I know like the truth of, you know, God's word. and so I'm able to receive because it doesn't hurt me as deeply.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Does that make sense?
Speaker #0
Whatever I'm saying, whether it's positive or negative?
Speaker #1
Typically negative, but I mean, I don't think it's really hard to receive positive.
Speaker #0
Okay. I guess I'm saying in today's culture and society, a lot of women are not receiving from men. So how do you receive from me?
Speaker #1
Well, first of all, because I trust you, and I honor you and respect you because I... believe marriage is important and it's a covenant and that's the way it should be. So that's just how I'm going to be in receiving what you say or what, whatever you have to give, whether it be positive or negative, but ultimately that is second to my relationship with God.
Speaker #0
And what does receiving look like from you to you?
Speaker #1
was that what is how would you define i receive from my husband or i receive communication or i communicate with him how would you define that or what does that look like to you like in terms of i can listen to what you're saying and actually take it in and for me i i need lots of time to process versus you know, just spitting it right back out. Um, so knowing that, and then also knowing each other, cause we're both introverts and we both need that time. So really knowing your relationship and then being able to, you know, be respectful and not just off the mouth saying whatever I think or saying anything that comes in my mind, you know, that's also a way to receive. something.
Speaker #0
And how do we not spot out and be reactive to the first thing that comes into my mind? I'm saying it.
Speaker #1
I think you just need to have that attitude because a lot of people think that's okay. Or that is better than okay. That's how you should be. And so people look like, look to that as, well, I'm standing up for myself or whatever they think the reason is behind that. they might think, well, that's showing that you're powerful or that's showing that you're not, you know, weak or that you can take anything and you can be, you know, the one on top. And it's really changing that mind mindset that you have, or that frame that you look through or that lens that you look through or receive through. Um, again, it's always going to go back to God's word and how he ultimately, you know, teaches us to respond and, and talk and. you know, take from life.
Speaker #0
I'm sitting here thinking about that because there is power in silence. And what I mean by that is. just thinking about some things that I am facing right now or in the past few weeks that you know about that have been challenging to me that I faced. And my default has been, I want to just let them know how it is. man, I want to, ooh. And that's the human nature, right? You want to let them have a piece of your mind. But I'm thinking here about how Jesus was brought before accusers. He was falsely accused. I mean, we talk about a lie, just made up of stuff, just out the wazoo. And he, the Bible says he held his mouth. Opened not his mouth. and so he did that. Why? Because he knew his purpose. His purpose was to redeem mankind. He had to go that route.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And so my purpose is, I am your husband. I am your covenant covering, and I am here, and I am on the same team as you. That is our purpose. And so if it means that I have to hold myself and not be so reactive, Right. I can do that because the ultimate goal is that there is healing. Right. There is peace. There is joy. There's understanding in this relationship. And I can come back and revisit this and say, Hey, you know, earlier I really felt like the, the response was a little unmerited. Can we talk through that? Because. I'm feeling a little dishonored and I'm here to help. I'm here to support you, not tear you down.
Speaker #1
Right. And knowing that those actions are going to build and help the relationship also helped me. Like, I know like if I do this right now, it's ultimately going to help the future of the relationship too.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. Um, you're talking about direct. It was, this was coming to my mind. I was thinking about this. A lot of times females can sometimes say, well, he shouldn't know what I'm thinking. We don't. He shouldn't know how I feel. We don't. Ain't got a clue. So we really need direct communication. What do you want?
Speaker #1
Do not be vague.
Speaker #0
Don't be vague. Speak it. Right. I want you to hold my hand, you know, when we walk through the mall. Not, you know, not like.
Speaker #1
no whatever the where the vague example is you would get well a lot the hint hint hint didn't get it right or even the thought of well he should think of that on his own right he should he should know that or he should be able to figure that out on his own yeah yeah that's good i want that that's good yeah versus you know what it's okay for me to say what i want and him be able to you give me what I want and it doesn't diminish the fact that I'm getting it. Like sometimes you'll say,
Speaker #0
and then we need to deal with that. Yeah. Cause that might be the real issue versus like just telling,
Speaker #1
right.
Speaker #0
Just communicate it. Right. Cause we don't have, and we're struggling and we want to be a blessing and we want to love you. Yeah. And we're drowning. Cause we have no idea what she wants. I don't know if this is good. If that's good cause she may yell at that and she may not like this and he may, and just, just telling.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And when you do tell the other person, right, like let them do it. Okay. And if you're the other person, you know, don't take that as something negative. For example, I'll say, what would you like me to wear on date night? And sometimes you'll say. You don't want to tell me because it's like, you know, being in control or bossy or whatever. Whereas I'm asking you to tell me what to wear. Right. And so it goes both ways. Like you have to be willing to accept what I ask.
Speaker #0
Good point.
Speaker #1
That it's not going to diminish the fact that, you know, I'm going to dress nicely. Right. Or you're not taking away my opportunity to choose for myself. You know, I'm putting that communication out there for you to help the relationship. not hurt the relationship.
Speaker #0
And that is something that we've had to talk through. Again, had nothing to do with you. That was my filter and my experience of feeling insufficient to make that decision. Okay. Right? Yeah. And so we've had to work through that. And I've had to get grace through that to be at a point to say, okay. I can receive that level of love from my wife and I am worthy of that, that she's expressing that to me. Right. Because that was an unworthy feeling of I'm not worthy to say that to her or respond that to her. And so ultimately these are great conversations to have.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we want to just communicate to you to communicate to your spouse. Yeah. We're encouraging you to take some time and plan out times. to carve this out.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Be intentful. Walk to the mailbox. Walk to the big tree down the street and come back. Walk, sit in the garage. Oh, it's going to be hot now. So wherever it is and say, we're going to take some of these subjects that Terrell and Jen talk about. Let's dive deep into those things.
Speaker #1
And don't think that it has to just happen spontaneously or it has to happen organically. Like it's okay to schedule out these times and release.
Speaker #0
That's the only way.
Speaker #1
It's the other side. Like, hey, we need to talk. Kids are in bed, eight o'clock, Wednesday night. It's you and me. We're going to talk. And it can be, you know, deep stuff. It can be fun stuff. But as long as you're communicating, you know, schedule out that time. Use your planner that you have to schedule out that time because it will ultimately. change your relationship for the better.
Speaker #0
The thing the enemy wants to do is he wants you to feel isolated. He wants you to feel alone. He wants you to feel like you're by yourself and there's no one else who understands you except somebody. And they will offer you an alternative, be it social media, be it video, be it PlayStation, be it another person, be it a substance. there will be some type of fake alternative to fill a void that ultimately only God can fill, but that that person he gave you is going to fill as well.
Speaker #1
And it can be great for a second or two or for a little bit of time, but ultimately that's not going to fulfill anything that you're looking for.
Speaker #0
That's right. So we take time every single month to at least once a time, once a month, get together and talk in power. So typically. we get together twice a month. We get together for a date night that does not include work or okay or anything. And then a time to plan out our lives. We want to give you what we're doing every single month. It is a free relationship planner that will get you started on this path of talking, coming together, of meeting one another with intent. Because again, it's one thing to say, you know, we're willing to spend some time together. Anybody can do that. It's taking the actual step. and that's why we exist. We're here. We started this with the Lord to help you actually take the action steps. to have better communication in your relationship.
Speaker #1
And to actually see that fruit, right? Because you know, you have all those things in your mind, but it's, it takes intention and it takes planning. It takes scheduling so that you can ultimately see that good fruit in your relationship.
Speaker #0
That's right. So if you're on YouTube, the information is there on the screen. It's also below the description of the show notes. If you're listening on all the major podcast platforms, everything you need is in the show notes, click the link, tap it. It'll take you 15 seconds or less. and you can get that downloaded. It'll open up as a PDF. And let us know, hey, here's what we plan. Shout us out at Oak Haven Company on all the social media platforms. Hey, we did this. Take a picture of your planner maybe if it's not too personal. And shout us out so that other people can see. And we can join this community together. If you have any questions, we're here. S-O-H-I-E at oakhavencompany.com. It's a great email. We'll answer those. And we're just here, man.
Speaker #1
That's right. And if you need examples for questions to ask or things to actually communicate about, please send us a direct message as well or drop a question and we'll be happy to answer those for you.
Speaker #0
So thanks so much for listening. We're so grateful to have you along on this journey. We'll see you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words when it comes to expressing love? I know I have. Have you ever wondered how to communicate directly without...
Speaker #1
I know, it was right in my face. Did you see me? I had to...
Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words to say when it comes to expressing your love? I know I have. Have you wondered how to communicate directly without risking the very connection you cherish? In today's episode of the Home to Heaven podcast, we're tackling this very dilemma head on. So join us as we uncover the art of direct communication, how to express this boldly and authentically without the fear of losing it. Let's get into it now. Up next. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so delighted to have you along in this conversation. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are Terrell and Jim Turner against the Home to Haven podcast. And if you get anything from today's episode that makes you smile, encourages you, or lifts you up, all we ask is you give it a like, a thumbs up, and a follow. Help the algorithm reach more people just like yourself. On podcasts... we need a review we need a review from you that's my song i'm terrible thank you let's get some reviews it's been busy uh we just came back from like okonokosi okashini okonoki
Speaker #1
something like that
Speaker #0
something like that.
Speaker #1
Something like that. Got some good rest and relaxation together.
Speaker #0
It was short, but, um, it was good. And, um, it was very needed.
Speaker #1
It was short, but at least we got some time in. It was a good time to spend one-on-one like we like to talk about here on the podcast.
Speaker #0
You gotta make the time, however you do it in the business of life. with the kids and everything you gotta spend time to again get that one-on-one time get alone chill out get one with nature hear the birds and just chill out because man it's life is fast paced and it's a lot going on i'm like why are these weeks going by so fast yeah we sneezed and coughed and it is may it's almost halfway through the year right like what's happening school's almost out summer's coming third graders it's it's uh it's well yeah so a lot you so today we're getting into episode we just episode 50 and it's like five weeks later that's right direct communication how to express your love without losing it so that could be how to express without losing love the love that's been built or also without losing like your mind yeah like losing it yeah exactly it's so key because a lot of times oh i know in my experience with people it's can be difficult trying to express what you feel you without going bonkers, especially with someone who can sometimes press the buttons.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And you want to click the pencil and just stab them right in the throat. Oh, no. So it's like, oh. Getting frustrated. Right. How do you move past that and not allow your emotions and feelings to get out of hand to where now you start yelling and throwing out words that, oh, I wish I could take those back because once you say it, you.
Speaker #1
they're out there.
Speaker #0
They're out there. Yeah. How do we navigate this?
Speaker #1
So we've been talking, of course, every episode about communication, but this is really how to be direct. And sometimes you might think of direct as mean or not so nice. So we're going to talk about how you can actually be direct.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And should you be able to be direct and how to be direct with your partner? So starting off. should you be able to be straight up direct with your partner and whatever you're feeling?
Speaker #0
What's the question again? Should I be able to be direct? My mic's doing something kind of funky.
Speaker #1
Okay, well, let's fix that so we can get...
Speaker #0
get that we'd be able to be correct um straight to the point say it how it is is how i can't say you should be because everyone's different okay i think you need to understand know how to navigate the communication the communication style of the person you're talking with so if we're specifically talking about our partner yes you might not be able to come out and just say like i don't think i just come out and be like you know your dress looks hideous are you sure right i have to use some tact and some wisdom like again you want to there's a way to express what i need to say that's specifically tailored to the receiver and that is the art of communicating that is an art now
Speaker #1
would you say you can still be direct to me and say you know babe i'm not really feeling this outfit or yes if there's a specific thing to point out yes you should be able to tell me that, hopefully.
Speaker #0
Yes, without repercussions of the losing it.
Speaker #1
How dare you say that to me?
Speaker #0
How dare you? this is my body. This is my outfit. My money paid for this. Right. So I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. So really keep your mouth shut and don't you ever come to me again. Like what wall?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I've got a wall that's up and I'm going to be very, very passive to ever come to you again.
Speaker #1
And I'll say, we'll see if I ever ask his opinion on anything I wear.
Speaker #0
And so now you're not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. and we got resentment and no communication.
Speaker #1
And there's that gap is building deeper.
Speaker #0
Deeper and deeper. And your needs aren't getting met. And my desires aren't getting fulfilled because you won't, you're not bending and I'm not talking.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Welcome to the Home Naming Podcast. We are Terrell and Jen Turner, and we help couples communicate effectively in their relationships.
Speaker #1
That's right. So that was a bit of a tangent, but we're going to talk about how you can be direct and still be respectful and loving and kind. Do you think that's possible?
Speaker #0
Oh, 100%.
Speaker #1
100%. So we can still show respect. still show humility, but directly communicate with our partners.
Speaker #0
Like right now I'm going to say, Jen, please try not to breathe into the microphone so that it doesn't pop. And I spend many hours editing.
Speaker #1
Got it. Can you show me an example?
Speaker #0
So you're going to breathe through your nose. And so whenever you talk in breath,
Speaker #1
but you can't hear my nose breathing. Correct. Just the mouth.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'll try. I'm going to try. This is, this is different for me.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
To really. be so focused on what on talking your body is doing while you're communicating yes so i can say the words fine just not how i'm saying the words okay okay okay so let's keep going great job okay so we've been talking a lot about direct communication with showing love so we talk about love languages a lot so showing um your partner what they need through their love language an example would be of course words of affirmation that's a pretty simple one so you can show them direct communication by saying what's an example of a good words of affirmation that you could tell me now i
Speaker #0
do like your shirt and the necklace outfit and there's a gnat flying around that he will not die yeah he's been around for a while but yes uh you look nice today i like your makeup okay Is that good?
Speaker #1
It's superficial, but yes.
Speaker #0
Superficial?
Speaker #1
Well, I mean, that's just like the outer.
Speaker #0
You said give you a word of information.
Speaker #1
So I look good, right?
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Okay. So we can express our love.
Speaker #0
Okay, well, right there, gentlemen. There's a good lesson of sometimes our default is the physical, and the ladies are looking for something a little bit more deeper. So when you go to compliment your lady, and I have given this tip, is say something more than just you look nice. compliment you know something specific that she did that day that week that month right year that decade and you know that way she can identify something specific that's more meaningful to her than necklace and shirt and makeup so a specific example might be you know trying to think you you and you asked yesterday when i came home you is there anything that I can do to help you? I'll go out and get your food so that when you get home, it's ready for you. I appreciated that.
Speaker #1
Thank you. So you're telling them words of affirmation based upon their character.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Yes. Based upon their character, which I'm not saying, you know, never say words of affirmation because that's a great thing to hear as well, but you can use our words with direct communication. So that's a pretty, pretty easy one with words of affirmation. Now, we can also be direct and show our love through direct communication with acts of service. So you just gave an example of that as well. I asked if there was anything I could do or knowing that you're super busy at work and you really like a good meal and you don't necessarily always love my cooking. I was trying to think of a solution. And so I was presenting that to you through my words. Okay. So that's a great example as well. How about... quality time. We can also communicate directly if we're needing or missing quality time. So you can come to your partner and say, Hey, I've really just missed spending some alone time with you. Is there any night this week that you have free that we could, you know, book a date at home and spend that quality time together.
Speaker #0
The key to all this though is the receiver, right? Because I feel like that's like the perfect scenario. Hey, I kind of spent some time with you. He's like, okay. And it kind of never happens that way. Okay. So it's important, number one, that we are, according to the last episode, choosing our words carefully, our tone carefully. and our time carefully. All these things matter for your message to be received. The whole point of communicating is that you are the sender and there's a receiver. And that message is delivered without filter, without interception. And so finding the perfect time, there might not be a perfect time. You may have to create that time and that moment, but definitely tone. and approach is going to help that get received. And then once it's sent, I now need to recognize you as this is my wife, this is someone who's important, and then listen and hearing. Try to hear what's not being said. And that is something that if I could speak, I don't want to say teach, but if I could give you any kind of nugget in communicating is try to hear what's not being said. Okay. Because everyone isn't a proficient communicator. Right. so what is she trying to say? It might not have came out the correct way. Or what is he trying to say? Men are terrible. Most of us at communicating. What is he trying to say? Give him some kind of point. What is he trying to say and need from you that you can now respond to?
Speaker #1
So we're listening through or listening between the lines of communication. A hundred percent. And I think follow-up questions are great as well. Just to really. get across, I'm trying to hear what you're saying. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. Again, we're on the same team. Let's work this out together. It's not me and you separate. It's you and me together working on this problem if there's a conflict or something.
Speaker #0
Another thing about being direct is, you know, when we say being direct, we're really saying be clear and making sure that we are clear in what it is that we're trying to say. So one of the things, you know, you want to work on being more...
Speaker #1
direct or clear instead of beating around the bush or trying to you know emphasize or you know not being vague so getting to the point right you know just go ahead and say what you need to say say it with your chest you know and so get it out no i think that's a great point because so many times we might want to beat around the bush or try to say it in a certain way so that we hope they hear it in a certain way yeah when we should just say it straight up is what you're saying
Speaker #0
right we had to work through that when it comes to our flirting you're like i was flirting with you hey baby i have no idea what that means hey what's up no i was saying hi no it went over my head right no clue right no say what you mean save the chest so we've had that you had to say, well, for me, I need you to be very direct and just say what you mean. Okay. That was a little awkward for me, but got to sit in my chest. So you've got to work on those things and work through that and get to that point so that no intent is being left by the wayside. I want to hear what you got to say.
Speaker #1
Right. And I will say, as you practice that, or really take that into consideration as you communicate throughout. your relationship, it will start building and you start becoming more familiar with the other person and you start realizing like, Hey, I can really come to him and say this and it's not going to end in. disaster and hopefully you are being received well as you know that's may not always be the case but if you are getting that back that's just going to build up and up and up amos three and three two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement or in alignment so this
Speaker #0
takes place by spending time together by planning some time getting together one-on-one and we'll again being intentful these conversations are just us talking like we talk all throughout the day you which we encourage you all to do is to spend that time, get some time once throughout the week, you got to put in the calendar, you got to plan it that you all can get together and talk about what do you like, what you don't like, when to say it, when not to say it, how to say it, when not to say it. Okay. I really want. And that way we're taking notes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I get, I'll honor that. I'll honor that. I'll receive that. I'll honor you and you'll honor me. And there is that reciprocity going back and forth. This is not scheduled. We're probably ranting. We forgot the clock, but I want to teach a concept here that many people are not familiar with. And it is really, you know, serving, coming as a second leader in our ministry. It's the harmony of, first there's harmony of mind. Okay, so harmony of mind is where your thoughts become my actions. Okay, and so you are talking to me, communicating to me. how you like things done.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So that's the harmony of mind. Harmony of heart. We're now, my actions are your thoughts. So I'm not being told, but I'm where I'm at. I am in step with you acting or doing what you're thinking. And so that can come at a point in time in our relationship where, and I've talked to you, I've said, wait a minute, we are not in sync. Because normally what's going on? Because normally we're aligned, we're thinking the same, we're talking the same, but what's going on? Do we need a timeout? Do we need a powwow? Do we need to go? Do we need a date night? Like what do we need to do to get back on the same page? Because I'm thinking one thing, you're saying something different, and this is not our normal operation.
Speaker #1
So we can do that by getting, again, building upon. the shared experiences that we have. So ultimately what was that second one? The harmony of hearts.
Speaker #0
Harmony of heart.
Speaker #1
So that only becomes over time and over learning the other person. And only after sharing those experiences, like I said, where, okay, now I can trust you with what I'm saying, or now I can actually receive the things that you're saying to me because, you know, if you might've said that. second week of marriage, I probably would have been like in the closet crying, but now we get,
Speaker #0
no, but it's a good point. It's gotta be received. What are some things are some tips for the wives or fiance's like to receive, like how, how can I be, how do you receive me or how was there a point where you didn't receive me? And if so, how did you get to a point where you did receive my input thoughts, actions, decisions, X, Y, Z, you name it.
Speaker #1
Again, I think it's always going to take time. It's always going to take those shared experiences. And it's also going to take you understanding that your partner is not going to meet every single one of your needs and that they're not going to be perfect. And you can't look to them for your identity or. really anything above God. And so when you're in the word and you're praying and you're meditating on his word, like you learn all of God's truths for your life. And so really whatever else you say ultimately doesn't really matter.
Speaker #0
What I say doesn't matter?
Speaker #1
Ultimately. Okay. So you have to get to the, that point that you could tell me anything, but I know like the truth of, you know, God's word. and so I'm able to receive because it doesn't hurt me as deeply.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Does that make sense?
Speaker #0
Whatever I'm saying, whether it's positive or negative?
Speaker #1
Typically negative, but I mean, I don't think it's really hard to receive positive.
Speaker #0
Okay. I guess I'm saying in today's culture and society, a lot of women are not receiving from men. So how do you receive from me?
Speaker #1
Well, first of all, because I trust you, and I honor you and respect you because I... believe marriage is important and it's a covenant and that's the way it should be. So that's just how I'm going to be in receiving what you say or what, whatever you have to give, whether it be positive or negative, but ultimately that is second to my relationship with God.
Speaker #0
And what does receiving look like from you to you?
Speaker #1
was that what is how would you define i receive from my husband or i receive communication or i communicate with him how would you define that or what does that look like to you like in terms of i can listen to what you're saying and actually take it in and for me i i need lots of time to process versus you know, just spitting it right back out. Um, so knowing that, and then also knowing each other, cause we're both introverts and we both need that time. So really knowing your relationship and then being able to, you know, be respectful and not just off the mouth saying whatever I think or saying anything that comes in my mind, you know, that's also a way to receive. something.
Speaker #0
And how do we not spot out and be reactive to the first thing that comes into my mind? I'm saying it.
Speaker #1
I think you just need to have that attitude because a lot of people think that's okay. Or that is better than okay. That's how you should be. And so people look like, look to that as, well, I'm standing up for myself or whatever they think the reason is behind that. they might think, well, that's showing that you're powerful or that's showing that you're not, you know, weak or that you can take anything and you can be, you know, the one on top. And it's really changing that mind mindset that you have, or that frame that you look through or that lens that you look through or receive through. Um, again, it's always going to go back to God's word and how he ultimately, you know, teaches us to respond and, and talk and. you know, take from life.
Speaker #0
I'm sitting here thinking about that because there is power in silence. And what I mean by that is. just thinking about some things that I am facing right now or in the past few weeks that you know about that have been challenging to me that I faced. And my default has been, I want to just let them know how it is. man, I want to, ooh. And that's the human nature, right? You want to let them have a piece of your mind. But I'm thinking here about how Jesus was brought before accusers. He was falsely accused. I mean, we talk about a lie, just made up of stuff, just out the wazoo. And he, the Bible says he held his mouth. Opened not his mouth. and so he did that. Why? Because he knew his purpose. His purpose was to redeem mankind. He had to go that route.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And so my purpose is, I am your husband. I am your covenant covering, and I am here, and I am on the same team as you. That is our purpose. And so if it means that I have to hold myself and not be so reactive, Right. I can do that because the ultimate goal is that there is healing. Right. There is peace. There is joy. There's understanding in this relationship. And I can come back and revisit this and say, Hey, you know, earlier I really felt like the, the response was a little unmerited. Can we talk through that? Because. I'm feeling a little dishonored and I'm here to help. I'm here to support you, not tear you down.
Speaker #1
Right. And knowing that those actions are going to build and help the relationship also helped me. Like, I know like if I do this right now, it's ultimately going to help the future of the relationship too.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. Um, you're talking about direct. It was, this was coming to my mind. I was thinking about this. A lot of times females can sometimes say, well, he shouldn't know what I'm thinking. We don't. He shouldn't know how I feel. We don't. Ain't got a clue. So we really need direct communication. What do you want?
Speaker #1
Do not be vague.
Speaker #0
Don't be vague. Speak it. Right. I want you to hold my hand, you know, when we walk through the mall. Not, you know, not like.
Speaker #1
no whatever the where the vague example is you would get well a lot the hint hint hint didn't get it right or even the thought of well he should think of that on his own right he should he should know that or he should be able to figure that out on his own yeah yeah that's good i want that that's good yeah versus you know what it's okay for me to say what i want and him be able to you give me what I want and it doesn't diminish the fact that I'm getting it. Like sometimes you'll say,
Speaker #0
and then we need to deal with that. Yeah. Cause that might be the real issue versus like just telling,
Speaker #1
right.
Speaker #0
Just communicate it. Right. Cause we don't have, and we're struggling and we want to be a blessing and we want to love you. Yeah. And we're drowning. Cause we have no idea what she wants. I don't know if this is good. If that's good cause she may yell at that and she may not like this and he may, and just, just telling.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And when you do tell the other person, right, like let them do it. Okay. And if you're the other person, you know, don't take that as something negative. For example, I'll say, what would you like me to wear on date night? And sometimes you'll say. You don't want to tell me because it's like, you know, being in control or bossy or whatever. Whereas I'm asking you to tell me what to wear. Right. And so it goes both ways. Like you have to be willing to accept what I ask.
Speaker #0
Good point.
Speaker #1
That it's not going to diminish the fact that, you know, I'm going to dress nicely. Right. Or you're not taking away my opportunity to choose for myself. You know, I'm putting that communication out there for you to help the relationship. not hurt the relationship.
Speaker #0
And that is something that we've had to talk through. Again, had nothing to do with you. That was my filter and my experience of feeling insufficient to make that decision. Okay. Right? Yeah. And so we've had to work through that. And I've had to get grace through that to be at a point to say, okay. I can receive that level of love from my wife and I am worthy of that, that she's expressing that to me. Right. Because that was an unworthy feeling of I'm not worthy to say that to her or respond that to her. And so ultimately these are great conversations to have.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we want to just communicate to you to communicate to your spouse. Yeah. We're encouraging you to take some time and plan out times. to carve this out.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Be intentful. Walk to the mailbox. Walk to the big tree down the street and come back. Walk, sit in the garage. Oh, it's going to be hot now. So wherever it is and say, we're going to take some of these subjects that Terrell and Jen talk about. Let's dive deep into those things.
Speaker #1
And don't think that it has to just happen spontaneously or it has to happen organically. Like it's okay to schedule out these times and release.
Speaker #0
That's the only way.
Speaker #1
It's the other side. Like, hey, we need to talk. Kids are in bed, eight o'clock, Wednesday night. It's you and me. We're going to talk. And it can be, you know, deep stuff. It can be fun stuff. But as long as you're communicating, you know, schedule out that time. Use your planner that you have to schedule out that time because it will ultimately. change your relationship for the better.
Speaker #0
The thing the enemy wants to do is he wants you to feel isolated. He wants you to feel alone. He wants you to feel like you're by yourself and there's no one else who understands you except somebody. And they will offer you an alternative, be it social media, be it video, be it PlayStation, be it another person, be it a substance. there will be some type of fake alternative to fill a void that ultimately only God can fill, but that that person he gave you is going to fill as well.
Speaker #1
And it can be great for a second or two or for a little bit of time, but ultimately that's not going to fulfill anything that you're looking for.
Speaker #0
That's right. So we take time every single month to at least once a time, once a month, get together and talk in power. So typically. we get together twice a month. We get together for a date night that does not include work or okay or anything. And then a time to plan out our lives. We want to give you what we're doing every single month. It is a free relationship planner that will get you started on this path of talking, coming together, of meeting one another with intent. Because again, it's one thing to say, you know, we're willing to spend some time together. Anybody can do that. It's taking the actual step. and that's why we exist. We're here. We started this with the Lord to help you actually take the action steps. to have better communication in your relationship.
Speaker #1
And to actually see that fruit, right? Because you know, you have all those things in your mind, but it's, it takes intention and it takes planning. It takes scheduling so that you can ultimately see that good fruit in your relationship.
Speaker #0
That's right. So if you're on YouTube, the information is there on the screen. It's also below the description of the show notes. If you're listening on all the major podcast platforms, everything you need is in the show notes, click the link, tap it. It'll take you 15 seconds or less. and you can get that downloaded. It'll open up as a PDF. And let us know, hey, here's what we plan. Shout us out at Oak Haven Company on all the social media platforms. Hey, we did this. Take a picture of your planner maybe if it's not too personal. And shout us out so that other people can see. And we can join this community together. If you have any questions, we're here. S-O-H-I-E at oakhavencompany.com. It's a great email. We'll answer those. And we're just here, man.
Speaker #1
That's right. And if you need examples for questions to ask or things to actually communicate about, please send us a direct message as well or drop a question and we'll be happy to answer those for you.
Speaker #0
So thanks so much for listening. We're so grateful to have you along on this journey. We'll see you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words when it comes to expressing love? I know I have. Have you ever wondered how to communicate directly without...
Speaker #1
I know, it was right in my face. Did you see me? I had to...
Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words to say when it comes to expressing your love? I know I have. Have you wondered how to communicate directly without risking the very connection you cherish? In today's episode of the Home to Heaven podcast, we're tackling this very dilemma head on. So join us as we uncover the art of direct communication, how to express this boldly and authentically without the fear of losing it. Let's get into it now. Up next. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so delighted to have you along in this conversation. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are Terrell and Jim Turner against the Home to Haven podcast. And if you get anything from today's episode that makes you smile, encourages you, or lifts you up, all we ask is you give it a like, a thumbs up, and a follow. Help the algorithm reach more people just like yourself. On podcasts... we need a review we need a review from you that's my song i'm terrible thank you let's get some reviews it's been busy uh we just came back from like okonokosi okashini okonoki
Speaker #1
something like that
Speaker #0
something like that.
Speaker #1
Something like that. Got some good rest and relaxation together.
Speaker #0
It was short, but, um, it was good. And, um, it was very needed.
Speaker #1
It was short, but at least we got some time in. It was a good time to spend one-on-one like we like to talk about here on the podcast.
Speaker #0
You gotta make the time, however you do it in the business of life. with the kids and everything you gotta spend time to again get that one-on-one time get alone chill out get one with nature hear the birds and just chill out because man it's life is fast paced and it's a lot going on i'm like why are these weeks going by so fast yeah we sneezed and coughed and it is may it's almost halfway through the year right like what's happening school's almost out summer's coming third graders it's it's uh it's well yeah so a lot you so today we're getting into episode we just episode 50 and it's like five weeks later that's right direct communication how to express your love without losing it so that could be how to express without losing love the love that's been built or also without losing like your mind yeah like losing it yeah exactly it's so key because a lot of times oh i know in my experience with people it's can be difficult trying to express what you feel you without going bonkers, especially with someone who can sometimes press the buttons.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And you want to click the pencil and just stab them right in the throat. Oh, no. So it's like, oh. Getting frustrated. Right. How do you move past that and not allow your emotions and feelings to get out of hand to where now you start yelling and throwing out words that, oh, I wish I could take those back because once you say it, you.
Speaker #1
they're out there.
Speaker #0
They're out there. Yeah. How do we navigate this?
Speaker #1
So we've been talking, of course, every episode about communication, but this is really how to be direct. And sometimes you might think of direct as mean or not so nice. So we're going to talk about how you can actually be direct.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And should you be able to be direct and how to be direct with your partner? So starting off. should you be able to be straight up direct with your partner and whatever you're feeling?
Speaker #0
What's the question again? Should I be able to be direct? My mic's doing something kind of funky.
Speaker #1
Okay, well, let's fix that so we can get...
Speaker #0
get that we'd be able to be correct um straight to the point say it how it is is how i can't say you should be because everyone's different okay i think you need to understand know how to navigate the communication the communication style of the person you're talking with so if we're specifically talking about our partner yes you might not be able to come out and just say like i don't think i just come out and be like you know your dress looks hideous are you sure right i have to use some tact and some wisdom like again you want to there's a way to express what i need to say that's specifically tailored to the receiver and that is the art of communicating that is an art now
Speaker #1
would you say you can still be direct to me and say you know babe i'm not really feeling this outfit or yes if there's a specific thing to point out yes you should be able to tell me that, hopefully.
Speaker #0
Yes, without repercussions of the losing it.
Speaker #1
How dare you say that to me?
Speaker #0
How dare you? this is my body. This is my outfit. My money paid for this. Right. So I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. So really keep your mouth shut and don't you ever come to me again. Like what wall?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I've got a wall that's up and I'm going to be very, very passive to ever come to you again.
Speaker #1
And I'll say, we'll see if I ever ask his opinion on anything I wear.
Speaker #0
And so now you're not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. and we got resentment and no communication.
Speaker #1
And there's that gap is building deeper.
Speaker #0
Deeper and deeper. And your needs aren't getting met. And my desires aren't getting fulfilled because you won't, you're not bending and I'm not talking.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Welcome to the Home Naming Podcast. We are Terrell and Jen Turner, and we help couples communicate effectively in their relationships.
Speaker #1
That's right. So that was a bit of a tangent, but we're going to talk about how you can be direct and still be respectful and loving and kind. Do you think that's possible?
Speaker #0
Oh, 100%.
Speaker #1
100%. So we can still show respect. still show humility, but directly communicate with our partners.
Speaker #0
Like right now I'm going to say, Jen, please try not to breathe into the microphone so that it doesn't pop. And I spend many hours editing.
Speaker #1
Got it. Can you show me an example?
Speaker #0
So you're going to breathe through your nose. And so whenever you talk in breath,
Speaker #1
but you can't hear my nose breathing. Correct. Just the mouth.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'll try. I'm going to try. This is, this is different for me.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
To really. be so focused on what on talking your body is doing while you're communicating yes so i can say the words fine just not how i'm saying the words okay okay okay so let's keep going great job okay so we've been talking a lot about direct communication with showing love so we talk about love languages a lot so showing um your partner what they need through their love language an example would be of course words of affirmation that's a pretty simple one so you can show them direct communication by saying what's an example of a good words of affirmation that you could tell me now i
Speaker #0
do like your shirt and the necklace outfit and there's a gnat flying around that he will not die yeah he's been around for a while but yes uh you look nice today i like your makeup okay Is that good?
Speaker #1
It's superficial, but yes.
Speaker #0
Superficial?
Speaker #1
Well, I mean, that's just like the outer.
Speaker #0
You said give you a word of information.
Speaker #1
So I look good, right?
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Okay. So we can express our love.
Speaker #0
Okay, well, right there, gentlemen. There's a good lesson of sometimes our default is the physical, and the ladies are looking for something a little bit more deeper. So when you go to compliment your lady, and I have given this tip, is say something more than just you look nice. compliment you know something specific that she did that day that week that month right year that decade and you know that way she can identify something specific that's more meaningful to her than necklace and shirt and makeup so a specific example might be you know trying to think you you and you asked yesterday when i came home you is there anything that I can do to help you? I'll go out and get your food so that when you get home, it's ready for you. I appreciated that.
Speaker #1
Thank you. So you're telling them words of affirmation based upon their character.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Yes. Based upon their character, which I'm not saying, you know, never say words of affirmation because that's a great thing to hear as well, but you can use our words with direct communication. So that's a pretty, pretty easy one with words of affirmation. Now, we can also be direct and show our love through direct communication with acts of service. So you just gave an example of that as well. I asked if there was anything I could do or knowing that you're super busy at work and you really like a good meal and you don't necessarily always love my cooking. I was trying to think of a solution. And so I was presenting that to you through my words. Okay. So that's a great example as well. How about... quality time. We can also communicate directly if we're needing or missing quality time. So you can come to your partner and say, Hey, I've really just missed spending some alone time with you. Is there any night this week that you have free that we could, you know, book a date at home and spend that quality time together.
Speaker #0
The key to all this though is the receiver, right? Because I feel like that's like the perfect scenario. Hey, I kind of spent some time with you. He's like, okay. And it kind of never happens that way. Okay. So it's important, number one, that we are, according to the last episode, choosing our words carefully, our tone carefully. and our time carefully. All these things matter for your message to be received. The whole point of communicating is that you are the sender and there's a receiver. And that message is delivered without filter, without interception. And so finding the perfect time, there might not be a perfect time. You may have to create that time and that moment, but definitely tone. and approach is going to help that get received. And then once it's sent, I now need to recognize you as this is my wife, this is someone who's important, and then listen and hearing. Try to hear what's not being said. And that is something that if I could speak, I don't want to say teach, but if I could give you any kind of nugget in communicating is try to hear what's not being said. Okay. Because everyone isn't a proficient communicator. Right. so what is she trying to say? It might not have came out the correct way. Or what is he trying to say? Men are terrible. Most of us at communicating. What is he trying to say? Give him some kind of point. What is he trying to say and need from you that you can now respond to?
Speaker #1
So we're listening through or listening between the lines of communication. A hundred percent. And I think follow-up questions are great as well. Just to really. get across, I'm trying to hear what you're saying. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. Again, we're on the same team. Let's work this out together. It's not me and you separate. It's you and me together working on this problem if there's a conflict or something.
Speaker #0
Another thing about being direct is, you know, when we say being direct, we're really saying be clear and making sure that we are clear in what it is that we're trying to say. So one of the things, you know, you want to work on being more...
Speaker #1
direct or clear instead of beating around the bush or trying to you know emphasize or you know not being vague so getting to the point right you know just go ahead and say what you need to say say it with your chest you know and so get it out no i think that's a great point because so many times we might want to beat around the bush or try to say it in a certain way so that we hope they hear it in a certain way yeah when we should just say it straight up is what you're saying
Speaker #0
right we had to work through that when it comes to our flirting you're like i was flirting with you hey baby i have no idea what that means hey what's up no i was saying hi no it went over my head right no clue right no say what you mean save the chest so we've had that you had to say, well, for me, I need you to be very direct and just say what you mean. Okay. That was a little awkward for me, but got to sit in my chest. So you've got to work on those things and work through that and get to that point so that no intent is being left by the wayside. I want to hear what you got to say.
Speaker #1
Right. And I will say, as you practice that, or really take that into consideration as you communicate throughout. your relationship, it will start building and you start becoming more familiar with the other person and you start realizing like, Hey, I can really come to him and say this and it's not going to end in. disaster and hopefully you are being received well as you know that's may not always be the case but if you are getting that back that's just going to build up and up and up amos three and three two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement or in alignment so this
Speaker #0
takes place by spending time together by planning some time getting together one-on-one and we'll again being intentful these conversations are just us talking like we talk all throughout the day you which we encourage you all to do is to spend that time, get some time once throughout the week, you got to put in the calendar, you got to plan it that you all can get together and talk about what do you like, what you don't like, when to say it, when not to say it, how to say it, when not to say it. Okay. I really want. And that way we're taking notes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I get, I'll honor that. I'll honor that. I'll receive that. I'll honor you and you'll honor me. And there is that reciprocity going back and forth. This is not scheduled. We're probably ranting. We forgot the clock, but I want to teach a concept here that many people are not familiar with. And it is really, you know, serving, coming as a second leader in our ministry. It's the harmony of, first there's harmony of mind. Okay, so harmony of mind is where your thoughts become my actions. Okay, and so you are talking to me, communicating to me. how you like things done.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So that's the harmony of mind. Harmony of heart. We're now, my actions are your thoughts. So I'm not being told, but I'm where I'm at. I am in step with you acting or doing what you're thinking. And so that can come at a point in time in our relationship where, and I've talked to you, I've said, wait a minute, we are not in sync. Because normally what's going on? Because normally we're aligned, we're thinking the same, we're talking the same, but what's going on? Do we need a timeout? Do we need a powwow? Do we need to go? Do we need a date night? Like what do we need to do to get back on the same page? Because I'm thinking one thing, you're saying something different, and this is not our normal operation.
Speaker #1
So we can do that by getting, again, building upon. the shared experiences that we have. So ultimately what was that second one? The harmony of hearts.
Speaker #0
Harmony of heart.
Speaker #1
So that only becomes over time and over learning the other person. And only after sharing those experiences, like I said, where, okay, now I can trust you with what I'm saying, or now I can actually receive the things that you're saying to me because, you know, if you might've said that. second week of marriage, I probably would have been like in the closet crying, but now we get,
Speaker #0
no, but it's a good point. It's gotta be received. What are some things are some tips for the wives or fiance's like to receive, like how, how can I be, how do you receive me or how was there a point where you didn't receive me? And if so, how did you get to a point where you did receive my input thoughts, actions, decisions, X, Y, Z, you name it.
Speaker #1
Again, I think it's always going to take time. It's always going to take those shared experiences. And it's also going to take you understanding that your partner is not going to meet every single one of your needs and that they're not going to be perfect. And you can't look to them for your identity or. really anything above God. And so when you're in the word and you're praying and you're meditating on his word, like you learn all of God's truths for your life. And so really whatever else you say ultimately doesn't really matter.
Speaker #0
What I say doesn't matter?
Speaker #1
Ultimately. Okay. So you have to get to the, that point that you could tell me anything, but I know like the truth of, you know, God's word. and so I'm able to receive because it doesn't hurt me as deeply.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Does that make sense?
Speaker #0
Whatever I'm saying, whether it's positive or negative?
Speaker #1
Typically negative, but I mean, I don't think it's really hard to receive positive.
Speaker #0
Okay. I guess I'm saying in today's culture and society, a lot of women are not receiving from men. So how do you receive from me?
Speaker #1
Well, first of all, because I trust you, and I honor you and respect you because I... believe marriage is important and it's a covenant and that's the way it should be. So that's just how I'm going to be in receiving what you say or what, whatever you have to give, whether it be positive or negative, but ultimately that is second to my relationship with God.
Speaker #0
And what does receiving look like from you to you?
Speaker #1
was that what is how would you define i receive from my husband or i receive communication or i communicate with him how would you define that or what does that look like to you like in terms of i can listen to what you're saying and actually take it in and for me i i need lots of time to process versus you know, just spitting it right back out. Um, so knowing that, and then also knowing each other, cause we're both introverts and we both need that time. So really knowing your relationship and then being able to, you know, be respectful and not just off the mouth saying whatever I think or saying anything that comes in my mind, you know, that's also a way to receive. something.
Speaker #0
And how do we not spot out and be reactive to the first thing that comes into my mind? I'm saying it.
Speaker #1
I think you just need to have that attitude because a lot of people think that's okay. Or that is better than okay. That's how you should be. And so people look like, look to that as, well, I'm standing up for myself or whatever they think the reason is behind that. they might think, well, that's showing that you're powerful or that's showing that you're not, you know, weak or that you can take anything and you can be, you know, the one on top. And it's really changing that mind mindset that you have, or that frame that you look through or that lens that you look through or receive through. Um, again, it's always going to go back to God's word and how he ultimately, you know, teaches us to respond and, and talk and. you know, take from life.
Speaker #0
I'm sitting here thinking about that because there is power in silence. And what I mean by that is. just thinking about some things that I am facing right now or in the past few weeks that you know about that have been challenging to me that I faced. And my default has been, I want to just let them know how it is. man, I want to, ooh. And that's the human nature, right? You want to let them have a piece of your mind. But I'm thinking here about how Jesus was brought before accusers. He was falsely accused. I mean, we talk about a lie, just made up of stuff, just out the wazoo. And he, the Bible says he held his mouth. Opened not his mouth. and so he did that. Why? Because he knew his purpose. His purpose was to redeem mankind. He had to go that route.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And so my purpose is, I am your husband. I am your covenant covering, and I am here, and I am on the same team as you. That is our purpose. And so if it means that I have to hold myself and not be so reactive, Right. I can do that because the ultimate goal is that there is healing. Right. There is peace. There is joy. There's understanding in this relationship. And I can come back and revisit this and say, Hey, you know, earlier I really felt like the, the response was a little unmerited. Can we talk through that? Because. I'm feeling a little dishonored and I'm here to help. I'm here to support you, not tear you down.
Speaker #1
Right. And knowing that those actions are going to build and help the relationship also helped me. Like, I know like if I do this right now, it's ultimately going to help the future of the relationship too.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. Um, you're talking about direct. It was, this was coming to my mind. I was thinking about this. A lot of times females can sometimes say, well, he shouldn't know what I'm thinking. We don't. He shouldn't know how I feel. We don't. Ain't got a clue. So we really need direct communication. What do you want?
Speaker #1
Do not be vague.
Speaker #0
Don't be vague. Speak it. Right. I want you to hold my hand, you know, when we walk through the mall. Not, you know, not like.
Speaker #1
no whatever the where the vague example is you would get well a lot the hint hint hint didn't get it right or even the thought of well he should think of that on his own right he should he should know that or he should be able to figure that out on his own yeah yeah that's good i want that that's good yeah versus you know what it's okay for me to say what i want and him be able to you give me what I want and it doesn't diminish the fact that I'm getting it. Like sometimes you'll say,
Speaker #0
and then we need to deal with that. Yeah. Cause that might be the real issue versus like just telling,
Speaker #1
right.
Speaker #0
Just communicate it. Right. Cause we don't have, and we're struggling and we want to be a blessing and we want to love you. Yeah. And we're drowning. Cause we have no idea what she wants. I don't know if this is good. If that's good cause she may yell at that and she may not like this and he may, and just, just telling.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And when you do tell the other person, right, like let them do it. Okay. And if you're the other person, you know, don't take that as something negative. For example, I'll say, what would you like me to wear on date night? And sometimes you'll say. You don't want to tell me because it's like, you know, being in control or bossy or whatever. Whereas I'm asking you to tell me what to wear. Right. And so it goes both ways. Like you have to be willing to accept what I ask.
Speaker #0
Good point.
Speaker #1
That it's not going to diminish the fact that, you know, I'm going to dress nicely. Right. Or you're not taking away my opportunity to choose for myself. You know, I'm putting that communication out there for you to help the relationship. not hurt the relationship.
Speaker #0
And that is something that we've had to talk through. Again, had nothing to do with you. That was my filter and my experience of feeling insufficient to make that decision. Okay. Right? Yeah. And so we've had to work through that. And I've had to get grace through that to be at a point to say, okay. I can receive that level of love from my wife and I am worthy of that, that she's expressing that to me. Right. Because that was an unworthy feeling of I'm not worthy to say that to her or respond that to her. And so ultimately these are great conversations to have.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we want to just communicate to you to communicate to your spouse. Yeah. We're encouraging you to take some time and plan out times. to carve this out.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Be intentful. Walk to the mailbox. Walk to the big tree down the street and come back. Walk, sit in the garage. Oh, it's going to be hot now. So wherever it is and say, we're going to take some of these subjects that Terrell and Jen talk about. Let's dive deep into those things.
Speaker #1
And don't think that it has to just happen spontaneously or it has to happen organically. Like it's okay to schedule out these times and release.
Speaker #0
That's the only way.
Speaker #1
It's the other side. Like, hey, we need to talk. Kids are in bed, eight o'clock, Wednesday night. It's you and me. We're going to talk. And it can be, you know, deep stuff. It can be fun stuff. But as long as you're communicating, you know, schedule out that time. Use your planner that you have to schedule out that time because it will ultimately. change your relationship for the better.
Speaker #0
The thing the enemy wants to do is he wants you to feel isolated. He wants you to feel alone. He wants you to feel like you're by yourself and there's no one else who understands you except somebody. And they will offer you an alternative, be it social media, be it video, be it PlayStation, be it another person, be it a substance. there will be some type of fake alternative to fill a void that ultimately only God can fill, but that that person he gave you is going to fill as well.
Speaker #1
And it can be great for a second or two or for a little bit of time, but ultimately that's not going to fulfill anything that you're looking for.
Speaker #0
That's right. So we take time every single month to at least once a time, once a month, get together and talk in power. So typically. we get together twice a month. We get together for a date night that does not include work or okay or anything. And then a time to plan out our lives. We want to give you what we're doing every single month. It is a free relationship planner that will get you started on this path of talking, coming together, of meeting one another with intent. Because again, it's one thing to say, you know, we're willing to spend some time together. Anybody can do that. It's taking the actual step. and that's why we exist. We're here. We started this with the Lord to help you actually take the action steps. to have better communication in your relationship.
Speaker #1
And to actually see that fruit, right? Because you know, you have all those things in your mind, but it's, it takes intention and it takes planning. It takes scheduling so that you can ultimately see that good fruit in your relationship.
Speaker #0
That's right. So if you're on YouTube, the information is there on the screen. It's also below the description of the show notes. If you're listening on all the major podcast platforms, everything you need is in the show notes, click the link, tap it. It'll take you 15 seconds or less. and you can get that downloaded. It'll open up as a PDF. And let us know, hey, here's what we plan. Shout us out at Oak Haven Company on all the social media platforms. Hey, we did this. Take a picture of your planner maybe if it's not too personal. And shout us out so that other people can see. And we can join this community together. If you have any questions, we're here. S-O-H-I-E at oakhavencompany.com. It's a great email. We'll answer those. And we're just here, man.
Speaker #1
That's right. And if you need examples for questions to ask or things to actually communicate about, please send us a direct message as well or drop a question and we'll be happy to answer those for you.
Speaker #0
So thanks so much for listening. We're so grateful to have you along on this journey. We'll see you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words when it comes to expressing love? I know I have. Have you ever wondered how to communicate directly without...
Speaker #1
I know, it was right in my face. Did you see me? I had to...
Speaker #0
Have you ever found yourself stumbling over the words to say when it comes to expressing your love? I know I have. Have you wondered how to communicate directly without risking the very connection you cherish? In today's episode of the Home to Heaven podcast, we're tackling this very dilemma head on. So join us as we uncover the art of direct communication, how to express this boldly and authentically without the fear of losing it. Let's get into it now. Up next. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so delighted to have you along in this conversation. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are Terrell and Jim Turner against the Home to Haven podcast. And if you get anything from today's episode that makes you smile, encourages you, or lifts you up, all we ask is you give it a like, a thumbs up, and a follow. Help the algorithm reach more people just like yourself. On podcasts... we need a review we need a review from you that's my song i'm terrible thank you let's get some reviews it's been busy uh we just came back from like okonokosi okashini okonoki
Speaker #1
something like that
Speaker #0
something like that.
Speaker #1
Something like that. Got some good rest and relaxation together.
Speaker #0
It was short, but, um, it was good. And, um, it was very needed.
Speaker #1
It was short, but at least we got some time in. It was a good time to spend one-on-one like we like to talk about here on the podcast.
Speaker #0
You gotta make the time, however you do it in the business of life. with the kids and everything you gotta spend time to again get that one-on-one time get alone chill out get one with nature hear the birds and just chill out because man it's life is fast paced and it's a lot going on i'm like why are these weeks going by so fast yeah we sneezed and coughed and it is may it's almost halfway through the year right like what's happening school's almost out summer's coming third graders it's it's uh it's well yeah so a lot you so today we're getting into episode we just episode 50 and it's like five weeks later that's right direct communication how to express your love without losing it so that could be how to express without losing love the love that's been built or also without losing like your mind yeah like losing it yeah exactly it's so key because a lot of times oh i know in my experience with people it's can be difficult trying to express what you feel you without going bonkers, especially with someone who can sometimes press the buttons.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
And you want to click the pencil and just stab them right in the throat. Oh, no. So it's like, oh. Getting frustrated. Right. How do you move past that and not allow your emotions and feelings to get out of hand to where now you start yelling and throwing out words that, oh, I wish I could take those back because once you say it, you.
Speaker #1
they're out there.
Speaker #0
They're out there. Yeah. How do we navigate this?
Speaker #1
So we've been talking, of course, every episode about communication, but this is really how to be direct. And sometimes you might think of direct as mean or not so nice. So we're going to talk about how you can actually be direct.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And should you be able to be direct and how to be direct with your partner? So starting off. should you be able to be straight up direct with your partner and whatever you're feeling?
Speaker #0
What's the question again? Should I be able to be direct? My mic's doing something kind of funky.
Speaker #1
Okay, well, let's fix that so we can get...
Speaker #0
get that we'd be able to be correct um straight to the point say it how it is is how i can't say you should be because everyone's different okay i think you need to understand know how to navigate the communication the communication style of the person you're talking with so if we're specifically talking about our partner yes you might not be able to come out and just say like i don't think i just come out and be like you know your dress looks hideous are you sure right i have to use some tact and some wisdom like again you want to there's a way to express what i need to say that's specifically tailored to the receiver and that is the art of communicating that is an art now
Speaker #1
would you say you can still be direct to me and say you know babe i'm not really feeling this outfit or yes if there's a specific thing to point out yes you should be able to tell me that, hopefully.
Speaker #0
Yes, without repercussions of the losing it.
Speaker #1
How dare you say that to me?
Speaker #0
How dare you? this is my body. This is my outfit. My money paid for this. Right. So I'm going to do whatever the heck I want. So really keep your mouth shut and don't you ever come to me again. Like what wall?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So I've got a wall that's up and I'm going to be very, very passive to ever come to you again.
Speaker #1
And I'll say, we'll see if I ever ask his opinion on anything I wear.
Speaker #0
And so now you're not saying anything. I'm not saying anything. and we got resentment and no communication.
Speaker #1
And there's that gap is building deeper.
Speaker #0
Deeper and deeper. And your needs aren't getting met. And my desires aren't getting fulfilled because you won't, you're not bending and I'm not talking.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Welcome to the Home Naming Podcast. We are Terrell and Jen Turner, and we help couples communicate effectively in their relationships.
Speaker #1
That's right. So that was a bit of a tangent, but we're going to talk about how you can be direct and still be respectful and loving and kind. Do you think that's possible?
Speaker #0
Oh, 100%.
Speaker #1
100%. So we can still show respect. still show humility, but directly communicate with our partners.
Speaker #0
Like right now I'm going to say, Jen, please try not to breathe into the microphone so that it doesn't pop. And I spend many hours editing.
Speaker #1
Got it. Can you show me an example?
Speaker #0
So you're going to breathe through your nose. And so whenever you talk in breath,
Speaker #1
but you can't hear my nose breathing. Correct. Just the mouth.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'll try. I'm going to try. This is, this is different for me.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
To really. be so focused on what on talking your body is doing while you're communicating yes so i can say the words fine just not how i'm saying the words okay okay okay so let's keep going great job okay so we've been talking a lot about direct communication with showing love so we talk about love languages a lot so showing um your partner what they need through their love language an example would be of course words of affirmation that's a pretty simple one so you can show them direct communication by saying what's an example of a good words of affirmation that you could tell me now i
Speaker #0
do like your shirt and the necklace outfit and there's a gnat flying around that he will not die yeah he's been around for a while but yes uh you look nice today i like your makeup okay Is that good?
Speaker #1
It's superficial, but yes.
Speaker #0
Superficial?
Speaker #1
Well, I mean, that's just like the outer.
Speaker #0
You said give you a word of information.
Speaker #1
So I look good, right?
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Okay. So we can express our love.
Speaker #0
Okay, well, right there, gentlemen. There's a good lesson of sometimes our default is the physical, and the ladies are looking for something a little bit more deeper. So when you go to compliment your lady, and I have given this tip, is say something more than just you look nice. compliment you know something specific that she did that day that week that month right year that decade and you know that way she can identify something specific that's more meaningful to her than necklace and shirt and makeup so a specific example might be you know trying to think you you and you asked yesterday when i came home you is there anything that I can do to help you? I'll go out and get your food so that when you get home, it's ready for you. I appreciated that.
Speaker #1
Thank you. So you're telling them words of affirmation based upon their character.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
Yes. Based upon their character, which I'm not saying, you know, never say words of affirmation because that's a great thing to hear as well, but you can use our words with direct communication. So that's a pretty, pretty easy one with words of affirmation. Now, we can also be direct and show our love through direct communication with acts of service. So you just gave an example of that as well. I asked if there was anything I could do or knowing that you're super busy at work and you really like a good meal and you don't necessarily always love my cooking. I was trying to think of a solution. And so I was presenting that to you through my words. Okay. So that's a great example as well. How about... quality time. We can also communicate directly if we're needing or missing quality time. So you can come to your partner and say, Hey, I've really just missed spending some alone time with you. Is there any night this week that you have free that we could, you know, book a date at home and spend that quality time together.
Speaker #0
The key to all this though is the receiver, right? Because I feel like that's like the perfect scenario. Hey, I kind of spent some time with you. He's like, okay. And it kind of never happens that way. Okay. So it's important, number one, that we are, according to the last episode, choosing our words carefully, our tone carefully. and our time carefully. All these things matter for your message to be received. The whole point of communicating is that you are the sender and there's a receiver. And that message is delivered without filter, without interception. And so finding the perfect time, there might not be a perfect time. You may have to create that time and that moment, but definitely tone. and approach is going to help that get received. And then once it's sent, I now need to recognize you as this is my wife, this is someone who's important, and then listen and hearing. Try to hear what's not being said. And that is something that if I could speak, I don't want to say teach, but if I could give you any kind of nugget in communicating is try to hear what's not being said. Okay. Because everyone isn't a proficient communicator. Right. so what is she trying to say? It might not have came out the correct way. Or what is he trying to say? Men are terrible. Most of us at communicating. What is he trying to say? Give him some kind of point. What is he trying to say and need from you that you can now respond to?
Speaker #1
So we're listening through or listening between the lines of communication. A hundred percent. And I think follow-up questions are great as well. Just to really. get across, I'm trying to hear what you're saying. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. Again, we're on the same team. Let's work this out together. It's not me and you separate. It's you and me together working on this problem if there's a conflict or something.
Speaker #0
Another thing about being direct is, you know, when we say being direct, we're really saying be clear and making sure that we are clear in what it is that we're trying to say. So one of the things, you know, you want to work on being more...
Speaker #1
direct or clear instead of beating around the bush or trying to you know emphasize or you know not being vague so getting to the point right you know just go ahead and say what you need to say say it with your chest you know and so get it out no i think that's a great point because so many times we might want to beat around the bush or try to say it in a certain way so that we hope they hear it in a certain way yeah when we should just say it straight up is what you're saying
Speaker #0
right we had to work through that when it comes to our flirting you're like i was flirting with you hey baby i have no idea what that means hey what's up no i was saying hi no it went over my head right no clue right no say what you mean save the chest so we've had that you had to say, well, for me, I need you to be very direct and just say what you mean. Okay. That was a little awkward for me, but got to sit in my chest. So you've got to work on those things and work through that and get to that point so that no intent is being left by the wayside. I want to hear what you got to say.
Speaker #1
Right. And I will say, as you practice that, or really take that into consideration as you communicate throughout. your relationship, it will start building and you start becoming more familiar with the other person and you start realizing like, Hey, I can really come to him and say this and it's not going to end in. disaster and hopefully you are being received well as you know that's may not always be the case but if you are getting that back that's just going to build up and up and up amos three and three two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement or in alignment so this
Speaker #0
takes place by spending time together by planning some time getting together one-on-one and we'll again being intentful these conversations are just us talking like we talk all throughout the day you which we encourage you all to do is to spend that time, get some time once throughout the week, you got to put in the calendar, you got to plan it that you all can get together and talk about what do you like, what you don't like, when to say it, when not to say it, how to say it, when not to say it. Okay. I really want. And that way we're taking notes. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I get, I'll honor that. I'll honor that. I'll receive that. I'll honor you and you'll honor me. And there is that reciprocity going back and forth. This is not scheduled. We're probably ranting. We forgot the clock, but I want to teach a concept here that many people are not familiar with. And it is really, you know, serving, coming as a second leader in our ministry. It's the harmony of, first there's harmony of mind. Okay, so harmony of mind is where your thoughts become my actions. Okay, and so you are talking to me, communicating to me. how you like things done.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
So that's the harmony of mind. Harmony of heart. We're now, my actions are your thoughts. So I'm not being told, but I'm where I'm at. I am in step with you acting or doing what you're thinking. And so that can come at a point in time in our relationship where, and I've talked to you, I've said, wait a minute, we are not in sync. Because normally what's going on? Because normally we're aligned, we're thinking the same, we're talking the same, but what's going on? Do we need a timeout? Do we need a powwow? Do we need to go? Do we need a date night? Like what do we need to do to get back on the same page? Because I'm thinking one thing, you're saying something different, and this is not our normal operation.
Speaker #1
So we can do that by getting, again, building upon. the shared experiences that we have. So ultimately what was that second one? The harmony of hearts.
Speaker #0
Harmony of heart.
Speaker #1
So that only becomes over time and over learning the other person. And only after sharing those experiences, like I said, where, okay, now I can trust you with what I'm saying, or now I can actually receive the things that you're saying to me because, you know, if you might've said that. second week of marriage, I probably would have been like in the closet crying, but now we get,
Speaker #0
no, but it's a good point. It's gotta be received. What are some things are some tips for the wives or fiance's like to receive, like how, how can I be, how do you receive me or how was there a point where you didn't receive me? And if so, how did you get to a point where you did receive my input thoughts, actions, decisions, X, Y, Z, you name it.
Speaker #1
Again, I think it's always going to take time. It's always going to take those shared experiences. And it's also going to take you understanding that your partner is not going to meet every single one of your needs and that they're not going to be perfect. And you can't look to them for your identity or. really anything above God. And so when you're in the word and you're praying and you're meditating on his word, like you learn all of God's truths for your life. And so really whatever else you say ultimately doesn't really matter.
Speaker #0
What I say doesn't matter?
Speaker #1
Ultimately. Okay. So you have to get to the, that point that you could tell me anything, but I know like the truth of, you know, God's word. and so I'm able to receive because it doesn't hurt me as deeply.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Does that make sense?
Speaker #0
Whatever I'm saying, whether it's positive or negative?
Speaker #1
Typically negative, but I mean, I don't think it's really hard to receive positive.
Speaker #0
Okay. I guess I'm saying in today's culture and society, a lot of women are not receiving from men. So how do you receive from me?
Speaker #1
Well, first of all, because I trust you, and I honor you and respect you because I... believe marriage is important and it's a covenant and that's the way it should be. So that's just how I'm going to be in receiving what you say or what, whatever you have to give, whether it be positive or negative, but ultimately that is second to my relationship with God.
Speaker #0
And what does receiving look like from you to you?
Speaker #1
was that what is how would you define i receive from my husband or i receive communication or i communicate with him how would you define that or what does that look like to you like in terms of i can listen to what you're saying and actually take it in and for me i i need lots of time to process versus you know, just spitting it right back out. Um, so knowing that, and then also knowing each other, cause we're both introverts and we both need that time. So really knowing your relationship and then being able to, you know, be respectful and not just off the mouth saying whatever I think or saying anything that comes in my mind, you know, that's also a way to receive. something.
Speaker #0
And how do we not spot out and be reactive to the first thing that comes into my mind? I'm saying it.
Speaker #1
I think you just need to have that attitude because a lot of people think that's okay. Or that is better than okay. That's how you should be. And so people look like, look to that as, well, I'm standing up for myself or whatever they think the reason is behind that. they might think, well, that's showing that you're powerful or that's showing that you're not, you know, weak or that you can take anything and you can be, you know, the one on top. And it's really changing that mind mindset that you have, or that frame that you look through or that lens that you look through or receive through. Um, again, it's always going to go back to God's word and how he ultimately, you know, teaches us to respond and, and talk and. you know, take from life.
Speaker #0
I'm sitting here thinking about that because there is power in silence. And what I mean by that is. just thinking about some things that I am facing right now or in the past few weeks that you know about that have been challenging to me that I faced. And my default has been, I want to just let them know how it is. man, I want to, ooh. And that's the human nature, right? You want to let them have a piece of your mind. But I'm thinking here about how Jesus was brought before accusers. He was falsely accused. I mean, we talk about a lie, just made up of stuff, just out the wazoo. And he, the Bible says he held his mouth. Opened not his mouth. and so he did that. Why? Because he knew his purpose. His purpose was to redeem mankind. He had to go that route.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And so my purpose is, I am your husband. I am your covenant covering, and I am here, and I am on the same team as you. That is our purpose. And so if it means that I have to hold myself and not be so reactive, Right. I can do that because the ultimate goal is that there is healing. Right. There is peace. There is joy. There's understanding in this relationship. And I can come back and revisit this and say, Hey, you know, earlier I really felt like the, the response was a little unmerited. Can we talk through that? Because. I'm feeling a little dishonored and I'm here to help. I'm here to support you, not tear you down.
Speaker #1
Right. And knowing that those actions are going to build and help the relationship also helped me. Like, I know like if I do this right now, it's ultimately going to help the future of the relationship too.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Yeah. Um, you're talking about direct. It was, this was coming to my mind. I was thinking about this. A lot of times females can sometimes say, well, he shouldn't know what I'm thinking. We don't. He shouldn't know how I feel. We don't. Ain't got a clue. So we really need direct communication. What do you want?
Speaker #1
Do not be vague.
Speaker #0
Don't be vague. Speak it. Right. I want you to hold my hand, you know, when we walk through the mall. Not, you know, not like.
Speaker #1
no whatever the where the vague example is you would get well a lot the hint hint hint didn't get it right or even the thought of well he should think of that on his own right he should he should know that or he should be able to figure that out on his own yeah yeah that's good i want that that's good yeah versus you know what it's okay for me to say what i want and him be able to you give me what I want and it doesn't diminish the fact that I'm getting it. Like sometimes you'll say,
Speaker #0
and then we need to deal with that. Yeah. Cause that might be the real issue versus like just telling,
Speaker #1
right.
Speaker #0
Just communicate it. Right. Cause we don't have, and we're struggling and we want to be a blessing and we want to love you. Yeah. And we're drowning. Cause we have no idea what she wants. I don't know if this is good. If that's good cause she may yell at that and she may not like this and he may, and just, just telling.
Speaker #1
Yeah. And when you do tell the other person, right, like let them do it. Okay. And if you're the other person, you know, don't take that as something negative. For example, I'll say, what would you like me to wear on date night? And sometimes you'll say. You don't want to tell me because it's like, you know, being in control or bossy or whatever. Whereas I'm asking you to tell me what to wear. Right. And so it goes both ways. Like you have to be willing to accept what I ask.
Speaker #0
Good point.
Speaker #1
That it's not going to diminish the fact that, you know, I'm going to dress nicely. Right. Or you're not taking away my opportunity to choose for myself. You know, I'm putting that communication out there for you to help the relationship. not hurt the relationship.
Speaker #0
And that is something that we've had to talk through. Again, had nothing to do with you. That was my filter and my experience of feeling insufficient to make that decision. Okay. Right? Yeah. And so we've had to work through that. And I've had to get grace through that to be at a point to say, okay. I can receive that level of love from my wife and I am worthy of that, that she's expressing that to me. Right. Because that was an unworthy feeling of I'm not worthy to say that to her or respond that to her. And so ultimately these are great conversations to have.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we want to just communicate to you to communicate to your spouse. Yeah. We're encouraging you to take some time and plan out times. to carve this out.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
Be intentful. Walk to the mailbox. Walk to the big tree down the street and come back. Walk, sit in the garage. Oh, it's going to be hot now. So wherever it is and say, we're going to take some of these subjects that Terrell and Jen talk about. Let's dive deep into those things.
Speaker #1
And don't think that it has to just happen spontaneously or it has to happen organically. Like it's okay to schedule out these times and release.
Speaker #0
That's the only way.
Speaker #1
It's the other side. Like, hey, we need to talk. Kids are in bed, eight o'clock, Wednesday night. It's you and me. We're going to talk. And it can be, you know, deep stuff. It can be fun stuff. But as long as you're communicating, you know, schedule out that time. Use your planner that you have to schedule out that time because it will ultimately. change your relationship for the better.
Speaker #0
The thing the enemy wants to do is he wants you to feel isolated. He wants you to feel alone. He wants you to feel like you're by yourself and there's no one else who understands you except somebody. And they will offer you an alternative, be it social media, be it video, be it PlayStation, be it another person, be it a substance. there will be some type of fake alternative to fill a void that ultimately only God can fill, but that that person he gave you is going to fill as well.
Speaker #1
And it can be great for a second or two or for a little bit of time, but ultimately that's not going to fulfill anything that you're looking for.
Speaker #0
That's right. So we take time every single month to at least once a time, once a month, get together and talk in power. So typically. we get together twice a month. We get together for a date night that does not include work or okay or anything. And then a time to plan out our lives. We want to give you what we're doing every single month. It is a free relationship planner that will get you started on this path of talking, coming together, of meeting one another with intent. Because again, it's one thing to say, you know, we're willing to spend some time together. Anybody can do that. It's taking the actual step. and that's why we exist. We're here. We started this with the Lord to help you actually take the action steps. to have better communication in your relationship.
Speaker #1
And to actually see that fruit, right? Because you know, you have all those things in your mind, but it's, it takes intention and it takes planning. It takes scheduling so that you can ultimately see that good fruit in your relationship.
Speaker #0
That's right. So if you're on YouTube, the information is there on the screen. It's also below the description of the show notes. If you're listening on all the major podcast platforms, everything you need is in the show notes, click the link, tap it. It'll take you 15 seconds or less. and you can get that downloaded. It'll open up as a PDF. And let us know, hey, here's what we plan. Shout us out at Oak Haven Company on all the social media platforms. Hey, we did this. Take a picture of your planner maybe if it's not too personal. And shout us out so that other people can see. And we can join this community together. If you have any questions, we're here. S-O-H-I-E at oakhavencompany.com. It's a great email. We'll answer those. And we're just here, man.
Speaker #1
That's right. And if you need examples for questions to ask or things to actually communicate about, please send us a direct message as well or drop a question and we'll be happy to answer those for you.
Speaker #0
So thanks so much for listening. We're so grateful to have you along on this journey. We'll see you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.
Speaker #2
Thanks for listening to the Home to Haven podcast. Did you get anything from today's topic? Are you ready to go even deeper in developing healthy communication with your partner? Download your relationship planning guide absolutely free. This monthly outline is a great starting point to reclaim control of the hustle of everyday life and ensure that your most meaningful relationship takes center stage. You'll have everything you need to accomplish and measure your goals. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

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About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources: