- Speaker #0
Welcome to the Home Haven Podcast. We are so delighted you have tuned in and joined us for the conversation today. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are Terrell and Jen Turner. We have third graders.
- Speaker #1
We have third graders. They are done with second grade. Yeah. They're getting big.
- Speaker #0
Getting big. They're growing.
- Speaker #1
They're my babies though.
- Speaker #0
we're flintstone kids 10,000 strong wasn't 10,000 and growing but yes they are growing and uh yeah they were in kindergarten but now they're in third grade and it's crazy halfway through uh through elementary or towards you shed a tear i shed a tear it's it's hard to uh to not because they're just you
- Speaker #1
they were in my jayden was two pounds he was in my hand pounds he's now running everywhere he's running everywhere he's he's still skinny but he's fast he's fast skinny but he but he is fast so should
- Speaker #0
we compromise in a relationship it's very uh that's so much hopefully we can get it packed in today yeah it's a good one you should never compromise you know your core values okay and your standards right and what the word of God says. But man, I hear a lot about relationship or marriage is like bending, and it's 50-50 or 100-100, whatever it is. Is that true? What is this?
- Speaker #1
And I think a lot of times it starts in the dating phase, right? Are you going to compromise things to actually attract somebody to be your boyfriend or girlfriend, or how much should you change?
- Speaker #0
Well. Let me tell you what mama said. Uh-oh. Because mama always told me, you know, how you start is how you're going to finish.
- Speaker #1
Did you say it like that?
- Speaker #0
Pretty much. Okay. You know, mama ain't raised no fool.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
So basically, that is, you know, if I'm always taking you out or if I'm, you know, just. if you're because i'm setting the expectation then that's how i gotta i gotta maintain it what you did to get me gotta keep it you gotta do it to keep me yes okay so that's important right um you don't want to, I felt sometimes when we were dating that, uh, when I say compromise, it'd be like, cause we were long distance. We were a long distance relationship. We were three and a half, three and a half hours or three hours.
- Speaker #1
About three.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. So three hours door to door. Yep. And so I felt like I was coming to see you more than you were to come, coming to see me. And so it's like, well, do you compromise and start sacrificing and now you're losing who you are okay for someone else but at the same time i already knew in my heart of hearts that this investment was gonna bring me a harvest right there's a couple different
- Speaker #1
you know, angles we can say for compromise. Cause we, we do compromise our time. We compromise things that we want to do compromise, you know, maybe the things we want to eat or, you know, external type of things versus compromising like who you are. I'm going to compromise, you know, I know he doesn't like, you know. some hobby that I have that I love. So should I, you know, change for that so that he will like me more or, you know, maybe I know he's attracted to people that work out and I've never worked out a day in my life, but now I'm going to throw myself into that because I'm trying to change just so I can get your attention.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. You're probably not going to like it.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
What is it? You're a nemesis.
- Speaker #1
What's my nemesis?
- Speaker #0
the person that I dated before you.
- Speaker #1
Don't say the code name.
- Speaker #0
I know. I was changing for her.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
And so she was very athletic, hiking, and outdoorsy, not me. and I'm on a hike and I'm just like, what is going on? And I'm out of breath. And then I'm like, I'm, but at the same time, I was also myself. And I don't know if I was skipping or I did something. And I guess that just was not her cup of tea. Okay. And she was like, yeah, don't, don't ever do that. It's like, you know,
- Speaker #1
like mannerisms and stuff.
- Speaker #0
Like, well, in the back of my mind, that's who I am. And so. you don't want to compromise those things. I'm not going to be an outdoors person. You want to be with someone that mirrors. Of course, your interests and the things that you love.
- Speaker #1
Oh, right.
- Speaker #0
But. you mentioned food. So you have compromised and like, you didn't like certain things. You probably still don't like certain things, but you yield to like, spend that time with me and, you know, I enjoy it.
- Speaker #1
Right. And you have to determine what is important to you and the relationship. So for me, food and the way we eat is not an determined determining factor of if I consider you to be a great husband. Right. You know, so I can compromise on that or. there's a difference to me between the word like change and grow. So I'm not going to change who I am or like my core values or, you know, what I stand for, what I believe in, but I can definitely grow and learn and evolve as we go through the relationship. And I hope that I would like, I hope that I don't just stay at the same point.
- Speaker #0
That's good. I like that change versus grow. I had never seen survivor or big brother before meeting you. I was not going to do it. I'm the kind of person that everybody's doing something. I'm not doing it.
- Speaker #1
Anti-trend.
- Speaker #0
I'm anti-trend. Gotcha. Everybody's wearing the Panda Nikes. Not doing it.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
No.
- Speaker #1
is this me you're going the other direction i'm going the complete opposite direction so i never watched survivor of big which is who you are right that's what you're explaining like that that's part of what part of me yes but you watched survivor and big brother and
- Speaker #0
so part of our time together we got married and we still do it today it was you
- Speaker #1
okay well let me let me at least try let me see it i'll at least watch an episode of a reality okay i'll do this okay and now it's one of our core shows now we watch survivor with the kids and it's like a family thing they love the challenges and
- Speaker #0
that's one of my, that's one of my pet peeves. What? When Jane's yelling.
- Speaker #1
Challenge.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. That's one of my pet peeves. It is? It is.
- Speaker #1
He just gets so excited.
- Speaker #0
He does. He gets very excited. Immunity.
- Speaker #1
He knows the names of everybody. Like I, I, but like, I don't pay attention.
- Speaker #0
No,
- Speaker #1
that's kind of like, Oh yeah, that happened in the last episode. I was like,
- Speaker #0
or last season.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. Remember this? And he's completely right.
- Speaker #0
I was actually thinking about this the other day, not knowing we were doing this episode. working with someone of like, okay, let's say they're interested in someone, but he likes a particular color hair.
- Speaker #1
Yes.
- Speaker #0
Or a hairstyle.
- Speaker #1
Yes.
- Speaker #0
Does the girl do that hairstyle because he likes the way that hairstyle is? Or does she like, no. I'm going to be me. I'm going to do me. Or like, you know, I really like, he likes, he, he likes, so you mentioned athletic girls.
- Speaker #1
Yep.
- Speaker #0
So everyone's wearing leggings and sweatshirts or hoodies. And he likes many skirts. And I'm the ones out there.
- Speaker #1
I thought you were telling me the real thing about the,
- Speaker #0
no, I can't do that to protect your identity. Okay. So, um, you know, what does the girl do? What does she do?
- Speaker #1
This is good because I wanted to get into the more physical stuff because that's different than your character. That's different than your personality. It's different than who you are. I think it depends on the person because sometimes that's really important to. the woman. So how they wear their hair or what they believe about their hair. Maybe they always want it long. Maybe they are like, I, I'm going to always keep my hair short. That's just what I feel comfortable with. And I feel like that's something that some girls are going to be like, I don't care. Like I'll wear my hair anyway. And if they know their boyfriend or their husband likes it a certain way, that's not, that's like a non-issue. Okay. so for example if you were like i'd love it if you if you started to wear your hair up in a ponytail i i wouldn't have any problem doing that if you were like i want you to get a buzz cut okay i would probably have a problem with that okay and i feel like at that point relationship where he's trying to get or trying to think about if he wants to be in a relationship. Because once you're already in the relationship, that's something you should be able to talk through. Like, hey, I want you to shave your head. They're like, well, this is why I wouldn't want to do that. Versus.
- Speaker #0
So curious, like, well, how would you express the problem?
- Speaker #1
Well, first of all, I'd be like, why are you asking me to do that? Right. But like, and I do want to know.
- Speaker #0
I just want to see in the buzz cut. I just think that'd be awesome.
- Speaker #1
and then we need to talk through that realistically your nails i like when your nails that's a yeah very good example right life scenario and i don't like long nails and i don't honestly really like nail polish and i know it's very on trend okay and so it's very like the end thing to do but because i know you like seeing my nails with color like i will take and i will do that effort is that something that you should do because the
- Speaker #0
2024 women's probably not doing that.
- Speaker #1
Well, why would you say they're not? Because they- No,
- Speaker #0
I'm just, you know, the, I don't know, the trending or at least the pushing- narrative is that I'm an independent woman. I do what I want. It's my body. You cannot tell me what to do. I will alone will decide what you get and what you don't get and be grateful for what you do get.
- Speaker #1
Well, I think if you're single, that's a, like, that's fine.
- Speaker #0
Okay. I say, if you're a single, it's probably why you're single.
- Speaker #1
It's probably why, but if you're in, and I'm talking about, if you're in a marriage with somebody, you know, that's, you're supposed to be one and you're working together. And I don't have. any problem trying to do or doing something that I know you find attractive. Cause why would I not want to be attractive to you? Right? So if you're like, I love it when your nails are painted, why would I not say, well, that doesn't personally bother me. Like, that's not something I'm totally against. Like, why would I not just say, you know what, I'm going to get my nails done so that, you know, I can look good for, for my man.
- Speaker #0
What if you are against it?
- Speaker #1
that's where the communication needs to come in of why are you asking me to do this? Or what is the reasoning behind your request? And let me tell you my reasoning or what I'm thinking about the situation. And is there a solution that we can get to again, compromising, like, can we reach a middle ground or. you know, you give some, I give some so that we can have a solution to the problem.
- Speaker #0
So in our specific scenario, I do like it when Jennifer's nails are painted or they're done, not necessarily painted, but just when they're manicured. Why? Why is my reasoning? It's because to me, when I see her hands, I just, I like them to see look manicured as if she's well taken care of. I don't want her hands to look rough. I don't want her hands to look. you know, you don't care or I don't care. That's just my personal preference as my wife for your hands to look good and done and well kept. Like as if I'm taking care of you, Not me specifically, but the Lord. And hopefully people understand what I'm coming from. At the same time I do here and understand. hey, I really don't like this on my hands, if it's uncomfortable or it just damages my nails. Yeah. I think there's part of damage that can be done to nails. So at the same time, I understand that and I can receive that. So is it once a month? Can we just do clear polish? Is there anything that can be done to where, you know, I don't want you damaging your skin?
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
but I, you know, I also like it when you look manicured. Right. And then that's a real conversation that we've definitely had that.
- Speaker #1
And so, you know, it's also something to talk about of, is this something that's going to damage our relationship? So if you decide you're not going to get your nails done, is that something that you're not going to be able to get over? Or is that something that's going to build a wall? You know, that might sound like a superficial example, but other examples are deeper things that you need to learn how to compromise on or figure out if you're going to compromise on. And if not, if somebody's unwilling to, is that something that's going to...
- Speaker #0
the nails the nails is not a deal breaker again we have a resource that called 180 questions to ask and it'll be in the show notes in the description where we went through everything possible in our dating so even when we dated i mean you're not the most fashionable trendy person in the first place right so it's not a deal breaker for me i knew what i was getting you is who you is that's right and that's not going to change and so what we don't want to see is you okay can you wear some earrings some big hoop earrings can you put the long pressed fingernails on and i really love you have some red like some red lipstick have you ever thought about like fake eyelashes that'll really bring like okay now i'm trying to make you to be something no go get that before you got right that's not you right
- Speaker #1
okay so go get the girl who has the long hair before you're married right not like married right somebody else but yes that's why it's so important to be yourself yeah because they need to know what they're getting you need to know what you're getting right and then once you're in that relationship you should hopefully and
- Speaker #0
have gotten what you expected that i think is the fund one of the fundamental issues is because we may have done oh i want him to like me some of the changes i'm or i'm not going to eat as much the first date or I'm not going to say this, and we're not being our authentic selves. And you can only do that for so long. Right. And maybe you guys got married, and it's two, three, four, five years down the road, and you're unhappy because you're not being who you are.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
And you're forcing it, and it's not your authentic self. And then you start being your authentic self, and then all of a sudden, well, I don't like that.
- Speaker #1
Right,
- Speaker #0
yeah. But it goes back to you never were who you were five years ago.
- Speaker #1
Now, if you do find yourself and you're already there, you're already married, you know, we're not saying go find somebody else at that point. But that's what we teach here is all those communication tips and those questions you can ask to really work through those things, work through the walls that might be built so that you can start really communicating right to understand the other person and really be intentful in building up the relationship that you were hoping.
- Speaker #0
Always, if you're listening to this and you are single. I cannot tell you enough. Be yourself and be confident in that because the Lord has someone for you who is going to love you 100%. and you don't have to, well, I'll be less, I'll die down on the jokes. There's going to be someone who loves your sarcasm.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
Right? There's going to be someone who loves your laugh. I'm scared to laugh because sometimes I snort. There's going to be someone who loves that.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, someone that loves all those questions you're asking.
- Speaker #0
Right. That was my thing. Yeah. You know? And I try to change that or I always felt like, you know, the nice guy never gets the girl. I got to be a a-hole. And that's not me.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
and that's not true i'm just saying you know that was a lie the enemy was trying to feed me another area of compromise is you know sharing responsibilities you know today i took the kids to get their hairs hairs hey you you go do the this work part i'll go get their haircuts right hey i don't like doing laundry i'll cook okay well i'm gonna do the dishes you sometimes we'll do the dishes together. I'll put the stuff in the trash, rake all the plates off. You're putting them in the dishwasher. We're compromising. We're doing this together because we are a team. And that's something that's important so that one person isn't feeling overloaded, overwhelmed by life's demands.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. So you can compromise on just shared responsibilities. Should you compromise or... change if your partner wants you to like say how you spend your time or who you spend your time with should they be able to speak into into what you're doing absolutely 100 you're my spouse you're my wife you have that right to speak into my life so i think that would trigger a lot of people if somebody was like you know what? I'm not, I'm not feeling, you know, that friend you you're hanging out with a lot. I would rather you spend more time at home or spend some time by yourself. I'd rather you not go hang out with so-and-so and watch the game.
- Speaker #0
So the, the, the defense is going to be why, who you tell me that exactly. They were here before, you know, okay. You know, for me, I, especially with a female, I'll trust you. Just been saying like, I don't, you know, I'm not. feeling so-and-so well you're you have much greater female intuition than i do your radar is on point mine is not so there's safety and you come into me and say babe, I think you might want to be careful with, with, uh, right. Senorita over there.
- Speaker #1
And hopefully you can trust your partner enough to, to know they're not saying that for any, you know, undue reason or any ulterior.
- Speaker #0
Or you're just being jealous. And then on the other part, I don't need to be playing that down. Yeah. Don't play down that relationship and then try to deflect and blame. Or you're being jealous. No, her radar is going off and she's calling you out. So stop it.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. And then there's some other more significant topics of do you compromise on how we spend, I was going to say how we spend our money, but a lot of people don't even consider.
- Speaker #0
Another podcast series.
- Speaker #1
But the deeper things, like if you're compromising on. you know, maybe you want it a certain way and the other person doesn't. That's what makes a marriage is being able to find that middle ground and work together.
- Speaker #0
Yes. Talking through those things again, what is most important to you? Is it a deal breaker?
- Speaker #1
Right, absolutely.
- Speaker #0
And communicating, hey, this really is a deal breaker for me or this really is important to me. Okay, this one, this really isn't as. big or major in my life. You should be able to speak into one another's life. I should be able to speak into your life and you honor that and receive that. And you should be able to speak into my life. And I honor that. and I receive that because I'm here for your good and you're here for my good. So therefore we treat one another that way. Right. We should be speaking and holding one another accountable in our lives.
- Speaker #1
Right. It shouldn't be a one-way street of one person deciding how everything goes. It needs to be a two-way street of let's let each person have a voice, each person be heard and understood, and that's what makes a relationship a relationship.
- Speaker #0
It is. Are you compromising? Please let us know. Send a comment in the comment section. We'd love to know. What are you compromising? Do you agree that you should compromise or should you be? You know, I heard this one. Be my authentic self. OK. OK.
- Speaker #1
Speak your truth and stick with it. Right. Yeah. Tell us what you think about that.
- Speaker #0
Tell us what you think. We'll let us know. And we hope we got something from it. We did mention the resource of 180 questions. That is an investment you can do with Oak Haven Company. Or there is a freebie, 30 questions kind of get you started. So you don't have to dive into all 180.
- Speaker #1
Check it out first.
- Speaker #0
If you want 30 questions to kind of help you talk through, hey, what's important, what I want to compromise, what I don't want to compromise. We'll put that in the notes because that's really really key super helpful it's a three four page brochure document pdf that's beautifully designed that will give you 30 questions you can ask your partner today all week all month to kind of get going yeah download that it's free again a free resource and i'll go through three big
- Speaker #1
topics and then different questions that you can ask each other and questions that you should know about yourself as well to work through and really build up your relationship strong
- Speaker #0
Absolutely. Thank you guys for listening and watching. Remember to like and subscribe to the video. Also, rate the podcast. Help us reach more people just like yourself who can use faithful content to communicate in their relationship. Thank you so much for listening and watching. We'll see you next week. And remember, wisdom builds the house.
