Transcription

• Speaker #0

  What does it take to keep your relationship spark alive? You know, that edge, that thing that butterflies and the ooey gooey feeling that keeps you attracted to your partner. Well, today we're giving you the itty gritty, nitty gritty tips on how to keep the spark alive in the magnetic connection that you and your partner find out right now. Well, welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so delighted you've joined us today. It's so great to see everyone there on YouTube. And if you're watching on all the major outlets of the podcast, thanks for tuning in. We are Terrell and Jen Turner, and this is your home. This is your space. This is your haven for everything you need to communicate in your relationship. Welcome aboard. We have been traveling. Actually, I've been kind of under the weather. I'm still recovering. It's been about a week and this has been something interesting.

• Speaker #1

  Let's get over it, right? We got to get over that.

• Speaker #0

  If you hear me hacking or something, that's what's going on.

• Speaker #1

  Real life.

• Speaker #0

  We were actually out of town celebrating our 10 year, not anniversary, but 10 year of the first date.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. So we went and recreated our first date.

• Speaker #0

  We did.

• Speaker #1

  you can catch that on another YouTube video.

• Speaker #0

  We posted a video of that. We're doing couch talks. And so we posted a video of the recap of that fun trip to the

• Speaker #1

  RDU. That's right.

• Speaker #0

  And so check that out. But yeah, we're 10 years of knowing each other and being each other's lives. How about that?

• Speaker #1

  It's exciting.

• Speaker #0

  How does that feel? Is the spark still there?

• Speaker #1

  Right. That's kind of what brought about this topic.

• Speaker #0

  Still feel butterflies. When you see me.

• Speaker #1

  Right. And did you back then? And do you now is kind of the question. So, you know, that nervousness when you're first meeting somebody or first dating somebody, everything's kind of new. Right. So you have that like little butterflies or, you know, you don't really know what to expect because you don't know that much about them when you're going through the dating process. Well,

• Speaker #0

  it's not even that you don't know a bunch about them, but it's also, you know, the chill, the goosebumps. and like you know just uh oh i can't wait to see him i hope he likes my hair or i hope you know i did my nails i'll get this new dress what i'm gonna wear tonight oh my gosh like do you still do that when it's time for a date now you're just like you know i'm just gonna throw something on and we're just going to olive garden well

• Speaker #1

  i think we we do a lot of date nights so i will say honestly i don't like get all that worked up for every single date night, but like those special ones, like anniversary, you know, I am a year.

• Speaker #0

  You'll, you'll kind of like care not once a year,

• Speaker #1

  but the major ones, the special ones that, you know, are a little bit more fancy. I'm always asking you, you know, do you like how this looks on me? What should I wear?

• Speaker #0

  But other than that, this is like, you know what? Just regular, regular, uh, regular day good times i mean do you still get butterflies i've been thinking about that yeah you know because we were we were at the zoo and one of the things we did in 2014 because the NC Zoo is this massive, oh my gosh, if you've never been there, have your walking shoes, you need a good pair of books.

• Speaker #1

  A lot of walking.

• Speaker #0

  That's a lot.

• Speaker #1

  A lot of walking.

• Speaker #0

  A lot of walking, which is good for the animals, but oh my gosh, if you've never been, you're going to walk. Yeah. And so we had to take a tram or a bus, a school bus, from one entrance to the other one because we got dropped off at the wrong entrance. and so I remember in 2014 like I was snuggled up next to you and like I'm trying to like you know not get friend zoned I'm trying to you know break the space barrier and like put my shoulder against her shoulder and you know let the cologne pheromones like get up in there right and so you know, I'm nervous. You know, you're nervous. You're sweating. Is this okay? Is it not okay? Does she like me? Does she not like me? I like her. You know, you're going through all this. 10 years later, those thoughts aren't in my mind. And so it's like, okay, how can I keep the nervousness or that excitement on a date or? just regular day.

• Speaker #1

  Yes. I asked you that when we, we went on the bus this time around and you're just like, I'm, I'm so hot. I'm so, so like you're hot. You're not even thinking about, you know, that part of the relationship, which to me, I think part of it is a good thing. I mean, we know each other, we're comfortable with each other. Like, you know, we know a lot more about each other. Um, but you should still keep that spark alive and keep that curiosity going because that's what makes, you know. a marriage relationship different than other relationships.

• Speaker #0

  So would you think then like you asked me, do I still feel that way?

• Speaker #1

  Do you ever get that feeling or is it a different feeling?

• Speaker #0

  Maybe I think it's a different feeling. It's not so much like the junior high right. Giddy bugs, but I still get excited to see you. We've been, I've been in my office, um, working. this week you were, I was in quarantine for a while. And so like, I was calling you and like, you're at work. But like today I'm like, I just wanted you to come home. And I was like, I'm. I miss you. So I still have that longing of, man, I miss my bestie. Right. I haven't seen you. I haven't really talked to you in a week. Right. You know, I kind of just wanted to come home and hang out. Right. So I definitely have that.

• Speaker #1

  Which that is going to build over time, right? Because you have to really learn a person to get that type of feeling. Okay. But when you don't. you don't have that time yet in a relationship when it's in the beginning. It's those jittery, nervous kind of, kind of feelings. Cause you're also a lot of times, at least for me, I was like, is this going to work out? Is this going to, how long is this going to last?

• Speaker #0

  I want to say this because the Bible says in Proverbs 31, that charm is deceitful. And so some people, a lot of people won't say some, a lot of people are banking or relying upon the goosebumps as an indicator of whether or not, Hey, I like this person. and really it's so much deeper than that. It's so much more beyond the goosebumps and the ticklies. You know, can you build a relationship that's going to last when you don't have all of that all the time? When it is, I got snot in my nose and hacking up a lung. You know, you're not going to be like, ooh, you know, it's, let me take care of him. Let me honor him. Let me make sure he's okay. Or when I've said something that. you know, ticked you off. Or when I said something that I should not have said, you know, those moments, can we build a relationship that's going to move past that and stand through those storms when, you know, life happens, when there's a death in the family, when there is misunderstanding, when there is a low money, high money, you know, can we, are we still able to function and cooperate and talk and problem solve and pray?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  in these times.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And so for me, those butterflies turn into something that's deeper, like a deeper type of feeling and connection. And so when you're basing a relationship just off those jittery butterfly, I'm so in love with him. You know, a lot of times people, when they say, well, I'm not in love with him anymore. It's more of like that lustful, like feeling. But when you build like a deep, long lasting relationship, those butterflies turn into something. to me, that's even more special and more powerful, a deeper feeling that is still a spark, but like we've said this before, it's more of like a flame, like a flame that's not going to go out. Right.

• Speaker #0

  Excuse me. We had a storm tonight. A lot of lightning, a lot of thunder. and it made me think about this, about how we have these sparks of lightning, these flashes, these momentarily seconds of a burst of light throughout the sky, and that can define a lot of people's relationships. Bursts here, bursts there a little bit here but you don't just want to spark you don't want to see little flashes of glimpses of attraction or feeling right because feelings will mislead you you want a flame you want a steady burning ember a fire that will burn long in fact that won't go out that won't die right well how do you do that how do you get that yes, you want to be attracted to the person. Yes, you want to have that longing. But ultimately, as you said, we are building something that is based upon the foundation of the love of God, which is never ending. It is long suffering. It is enduring. And so, you know, for me, the love grows. I believe the desire grows, that connection grows throughout the years, throughout the time, so that we are 10 years later and we're closer than we were day one. We are more understanding than we were day one. I still miss you like I did when I did. when I would drive up on a Sunday after another church in three hours, I just wanted to see you. So yeah, that's still there. Yeah. Because we cultivate that and we, we poke the flame and we do some things that we'll talk about here shortly.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  With intention to make sure that we stay connected.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. So when we're talking about. igniting that flame, you may be in a relationship where you feel that the spark is a little bit lower than what you desire it to be. And so, like you said, in my ebb and flow, but there's always that possibility of re-sparking it. And so we can,

• Speaker #0

  we have the power to do that. So, and I've been thinking of some ideas we teach about intention. So I've been thinking and praying, okay, Lord, what are some things that I can do? that would surprise her or kind of throw her off. You know, have I gotten lax? You know, there's some things that I used to do when we were dating that it's been a while since I've done. So I need to, okay, let me go back to the drawing board. Let me pull out some of my old tricks. Let me go back into the love bag and pull some things out, right? So what you did to get her, you got to do to keep her. What you did to get him, you got to do to keep him. You know, have you stopped? you know, putting on that fresh makeup or putting on them little lotions that, you know, get the attention. Right. Like, you know, whatever. it's a Thursday night. It's whatever. Here's some hamburger helper versus, hey, it's Thursday night. Let me, I made something different. Or we're going out tonight. I'm surprising. Little things. It doesn't have to cost money. You know, hey, dinner's outside. We got a blanket and some Kool-Aid pitcher. Yeah. I made burgers and fries. We're gonna have a picnic, right? Yeah. Didn't cost anything.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. And so you can, while you're also setting that intention, So let's also think about if you're wanting to kind of teach your partner or your significant other the things that you desire or the things that will spark you. Because do you think the same things that kind of sparked you in the beginning of our relationship are the same now? Or do you think some of those things may have changed? like, for example, maybe in the beginning of the relationship, if you brought me flowers, I was just like, that's so amazing. Like that, that really is something super special. And, you know, maybe now I would want, you know, something different.

• Speaker #0

  Kids in their room with the door closed or something. You know, yeah. You know, and that's a great question because people do, I don't want to say they change, but they evolve.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And they grow.

• Speaker #0

  They grow. So, yeah. it's important that you fill your partner in if something has changed or something no longer moves the needle. Hey, let them know, here's what moves the needle now, or here's what grabs my attention. Here's what I really like now. Here's, oh, I really love this. You know, maybe you've developed another habit or another interest. Right. And so, yeah, I think that's important to keep up because you don't want to get left behind. you don't want it to be five years later and you're still doing the same thing you were doing five years ago. And you're like, yeah, buddy, I moved on from that five years ago. Catch up, you know? So it's important as guys that we're asking questions that were tuned into our ladies and that we're not taking you for granted that I'm not just just whatever. Right. And if she's birth children, whatever it is, you know, I've got to continue to woo you. And the same way you got to continue to woo me, you know, especially close those trap doors. We hear, I hear this thing about work wives and work husbands. Like let's, let's close those trap doors. Don't let it be another woman complimenting your man. Don't let it be another woman who's listening to him and giving him ideas. and sparking his creativity at work and it not be you, or he gives an idea, he does a pitch, and they're like, oh, yeah, and he doesn't get any praise at home, that'll kill a flame, that'll put smoke in him in a heartbeat.

• Speaker #1

  Right, right, absolutely. So you can respectfully verbalize, right, the things that you need or desire from your partner. There's a way to say it versus like. why do you always get me flowers? Like that does nothing for me. You know, there is a way again to have that conversation.

• Speaker #0

  They tried, they got it wrong, but they tried. So like, Hey, you know what? I really appreciate this. I acknowledge you so much. It really means a lot to me, but if I make, can make a suggestion, I really love it. When I'm really into. Bath and Body Works motions right now and I got to collect our Stanley cups. Right. And I really need this wet and white blue marble one. Right. It'll mean the world to me if you get those. You know, this is a winner.

• Speaker #1

  And I know you would say don't give just hints because.

• Speaker #0

  Right. No, be direct. You're like. What do you want?

• Speaker #1

  Say exactly what you want. What do you mean? Versus like, oh, I wish I had a new cup. Yeah. You know.

• Speaker #0

  I wish I had a tool belt.

• Speaker #1

  and we're gonna want yeah to say you know baby when you know i would really like you to get me a stanley cup for my birthday whatever it's be specific and that won't diminish the fact that he's doing something special for you if you had to spell it out we won't get the hint it's okay we won't understand Right. And then also going along with when you're verbalizing things that you might like or desire, the other person really needs to have, you know, an attitude, like be humble that you may not know exactly what the other person needs all the time, or you may not know everything. You may not be Mr. Suave and know how to do. everything correctly. So if there is a moment in time where your partner brings something up, you know, don't get defensive because they're trying to verbalize to you. They're trying to communicate and just have that stance of, okay, let me listen, hear what they're really saying, take it all in and then respond and react that way.

• Speaker #0

  And these things aren't always. physical things or like material things.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  So I know the way to stoke the flame or keep the spark alive is with that touch. You know, I think the other day I was kind of grabbed you and I just kind of held you. And those are little things, men that can go a long way and communicating care and love and concern. You don't say anything. Let's grab her up and hold her. And that'll just. melt her heart and cause her to fall. And she's just like, Oh my God, you know, just little things that make no sense. Take, you know, some dishwasher fluid and put a, in the bubbles in the sink, put a heart, shape it into a heart, just little small things like a post-it note and just, you know, on her steering wheel.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  You were the best wife ever. The small things, the little things, it doesn't cost you anything but an idea.

• Speaker #1

  Absolutely.

• Speaker #0

  Those little things can keep the spark alive and keep the jitterbugs and, you know, put a plan, put a random shared calendar, you know, it's on tonight. Right. And, you know, put a calendar invite.

• Speaker #1

  I got a babysitter tonight.

• Speaker #0

  How about that? Yeah, let's go. That'll bring a spark. That'll be like, okay, I'm looking forward to something tonight.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  So just little things and then, as you just said, talk through it. what are some things that we can do to stoke the flame, keep it going, keep it hot, keep our interest there. Talk about it.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Keep it active so that you don't lose it.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. Keep those questions coming. We talk about questions every single time we can. It's so important to just get that curiosity continuing. and just keep learning about each other because again, you're always changing and then give the other person that positive reinforcement back. So, you know, if you left me a note on my steering wheel with a sweet little message and I said nothing back to you, that's kind of defeating.

• Speaker #0

  It's very deflating. that's going to make me feel a certain kind of way. She doesn't appreciate me. I'm not validated. Now in those things, I got to go to God. Right. Right. Now this is kind of level two, level three things we teach, but I got to go to the father and he's got to pour me, pour into me when I don't get the response. I made the effort, but I didn't get anything in return. God's love is saying, I love you in spite of your response, right? Because God loves us when we reject him. We don't respond. We don't pray. We don't talk to him. He's still good. He's still gracious.

• Speaker #1

  Amen.

• Speaker #0

  That's his love. That's how he wants us to operate. It takes a lot of practice and dying the self so that I can do things. without expecting anything in return, I got to get filled with the love of God and go get him poured in. Cause my heart's crushed. Cause my wife didn't acknowledge that.

• Speaker #1

  Exactly.

• Speaker #0

  So yeah,

• Speaker #1

  be careful. Ultimately we're doing things unto the Lord. Right. First and foremost. But when you do have that opportunity, take that time just to say thank you and show your gratitude to what your partner is doing. Even if it's not quite yet what you want or what you even expect, get there like that encouragement that, you know, validating the other person that they're putting effort in, or you notice that they helped with the dishes when they typically don't like just that positive reinforcement is what's going to start that flame, you know, getting brighter and burning stronger. So those are some great ways to keep that spark kindled and just stay curious and ask those questions to your partner and keep that spark. into a flame throughout your relationship.

• Speaker #0

  That's right. Or turn into a flame.

• Speaker #1

  Keep the flame alive. I love it. All right. So if you have some ideas that you'd like us to talk about, definitely feel free to send us a message. You can find us on Instagram at Oak Haven Company and also shoot us a DM, put it in the comments on YouTube. We'd love to hear from you. That's one of our favorite things. So definitely take that time to leave us a quick message or review.

• Speaker #0

  That's right. a review it goes a long way i believe in you and i know you can do it so if you are listening on spotify apple podcast iheart radio take 30 seconds after this right in review it goes a long way up in the algorithm if you're watching on youtube you right there you're watching if you got anything the little the little thumbs up button just that's it two seconds and that's it thank you so much we appreciate it so Again, we're here for you. We are cheering you on. We are great at support. And we know that you will have a wonderful relationship. You'll enjoy life and see good days. That's the promise in Psalms. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll see you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.

• Speaker #2

  Thanks for listening. We hope you've learned something to help you grow in your relationships and received some practical ways to make your home a true haven. Now it's time to put what you've heard to use. We'd love to hear what you are doing, so connect with us on social and send a message. Search and find us at Oak Haven Company on Instagram and Facebook. We also have resources for you, such as printables, devotionals, and helpful articles on our website at oakhavencompany.com. And we'd love to stay in touch with you with our exclusive offers, news, and content made only available to our email list members. Sign up today to receive Jen's free download pack and Terrell's confessional guide as our way of saying thank you. Click the join our email group link in the description. And again, thank you for listening. We'll see you next week.