70 | Saying No Will Transform Your Relationship and Marriage

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Speaker #0
Let's face it, your life is complete chaos. It's busy, things are going on. So how can you invest in your relationship and the things that matter? In today's episode, we are going to give you a amazing tip that's gonna help you invest in the things that matter. Most importantly, it's your relationship. Find out what that one thing is coming up right now. Welcome back to the Home to Haven podcast of this week's episode. We are so thrilled you are here, excited for you to join us. It is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. We are the Turners. We're married and growing in communication. So if you're listening to this podcast, give us a rank, a rate, and review. Helps push the podcast out to other people. Find it if you're on YouTube and you get anything from today's episode.
Speaker #1
just don't forget to take literally a second hit that thumbs up and subscribe we would greatly appreciate it what's going on with you today how are you we're getting through august lots going on lots through getting through august meaning the month is okay is getting near closer to the end a lot of stuff goes on in august kids are back to school and busy schedule is gearing up for soccer starting soon so just getting all the calendar items in order and you know getting mentally prepared for the busy season that we have.
Speaker #0
Yeah, we took a year off of soccer and they did swim. Yes. And so now we're going to do soccer again. They've been doing it since they were three.
Speaker #1
Yes. Jane did a little bit more than Adley, but they've done it for a few seasons. So we're going to jump back in for fall season.
Speaker #0
Jump back into it for the fall. Now we've got a rehearsal or practice night and then we have a game day.
Speaker #1
Yes. So we went from once a week, we just used to have Saturday practice game right after. It was great. And so now they've leveled up. And so we're going to twice a week. So we'll see how that goes. Eight weeks of it and working around homework and all that stuff. So we're going to make that adjustment.
Speaker #0
See how it goes and take it step by step. So life is busy. We got things going on. And yeah, it can be absolute, complete chaos. Um, look at my notes here. So how do you manage, how do we, how do you listeners manage all the noise, all of the chaos? And I said noise, because one of these single greatest things you can do to invest in your relationship. Hang on, I'll take a minute. So when you think about investing, let's take just a simple investment of the stock market, or it could be a money market account. Something very, very simple. You know, you were hoping for a return. Yes. That what you put in, you're going to get that back. Not just that back. Right. but also something more in return. So if you don't make deposits, there won't be a withdrawal. Okay. So if you don't make deposits in your relationship,
Speaker #1
that's right.
Speaker #0
You know, when you go to withdraw, it's probably not going to be much there.
Speaker #1
Right. To get back out.
Speaker #0
We haven't invested to put things in to get it back out. Right. So how do you go ahead and make those investments when you've got soccer, when you've got practice, when you've got game day, when you've got, you know, Maribel, she's in ballet. Susie Lutz in gymnastics. Billy Bob Ray is over in karate. And Martin Jr., he's in soccer and t-ball. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and you've got to deal with traffic. Yeah,
Speaker #0
especially if you're in Charlotte.
Speaker #1
The logistics of getting there, making sure you remember everything, the clothes they need, the food they need. Food,
Speaker #0
lunches, snacks, you know.
Speaker #1
There's a lot.
Speaker #0
Somebody doesn't want peanuts. Somebody doesn't want chips. Somebody wants barbecue. Oh, and not to mention, you've got a job. uh projects you know oh your house and bills family finances you got a mom yeah maybe you know or a family parent extended family oh and this person you said you're kind of married to yeah should they fall that that low on the list when you're naming right
Speaker #1
of everything going on and you're talking about i have this and this and this and this and did you ever even mention anything specific for your spouse spouse yeah and we kind of get pushed yeah
Speaker #0
down on the totem pole. Yeah. And should that be? Yeah. So one of the great ways that you can invest in your relationship is simply by saying no. No, no, no. And no helps you put boundaries in place. And boundaries are not bad. Boundaries is really just not even a restriction, but it is a border. Okay. Of... I want to say parallels, but it's literally, it's just borders of places where you allow peace in your life.
Speaker #1
Okay. I like that. So you have to put things in place. It's not just going to naturally happen. No. The good, the peacefulness, the joyfulness, the connection in your relationship.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You got to be intentful in that. You have to put those things in place like barricades. Right. You have to. to put the barricades in place, if you want to maintain your, if we'll put it in secure terms, your security or your sanctity, your safe zone, then you've got to secure that.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now let's talk about how you actually go about doing that. And first of all, a lot of people might struggle with saying no, just in general. And many people are people pleasers. They like to, you know, not disappoint anybody. So when somebody's asking you, hey, can you be on the PTO? Hey, can you do this? Hey, can you take on this extra project? And you're inundated with so many things coming at you and you want to do, you want to be helpful. You want to, you know, care for other people. And so there's so many things I feel like people get asked or feel like they might need to do. And what we're saying is it's. even more important to know how to say no so that you have the space and the time that you can invest in your marriage relationship.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. You know, it's one of the things that I've been guilty of is the people pleasing. I am a servant by nature. You know, you want to please, you want to help. But what I've found is. A lot of times, first of all, you're giving and you, again, you don't get anything in return from those people. You're pouring out and there's anything getting poured back into you. And so you're not getting a return on investment. So you're like, why am I tired? Or, you know, I'm not getting this or that. It's because. where you extend your energy is it's not getting poured back into you. And so one of the great places to get poured back into is with your spouse. Okay. At least that's how God created it to function. Yeah. And again, everything that we share with you is from a faith-based biblical perspective of how God, he originally sees this relationship called, you know, marriage. Yeah. And so what I have really, really gotten into, you know, especially with work, And this year having an experience of, again, really you hear about it, but when you really see, hey, I invested this time with this company and either they let you go or your efforts aren't acknowledged or you're not rewarded with the contract or your efforts aren't, you know, monetarily, the value isn't coincided with the effort, right? Right. So it's like, okay, why would I give everything, you know, working 50, 60 hours out of the week where, you know, you may win salesperson of the month, but you miss a quota and you put on a performance plan and your family is still back home who are going to support you and love you. But they're the ones who are missing out because you're away. And I know the intent is, well, I want to take care of my family. But the ultimate way you can really be there and provide is with your time and your love.
Speaker #1
Right. And so knowing what those boundaries need to be and knowing what you need to say yes or no to is really important. And so that goes back to understanding really your core values and what you really value most of all. And really lining those up with, okay, is this thing that I'm about to say yes to, does that match our values? Does that match our season in life? Absolutely. going to help and boost our relationship or is it going to draw from our relationship is that going to take away our energy and our time with what we're choosing to do yeah so i've had requests in the past can
Speaker #0
you run this errand can you do this favor for me and i have felt guilty or you know i've i've gone out of my way to please other people yeah just to be the nice guy yeah and Outside of you and my parents, you know, and a few like really close people, there's not a lot of people you can just go down a list or name and people who would break their back for you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So typically, you know, what I've really began to practice this year, especially the last three months, is is this really necessary? And it could be something as small as I would I would push myself. of well i'm going to try to do this this and this before this appointment yeah and that might push me five minutes late and so now i'm going do i have to do this today does this have to get done before this appointment why am i pushing myself to this let me put that over here right um this person asked me for this does that really require me you You know, is this something that I really need to do? Is this something that I should do? Right. And not let anyone put guilt on you. Not letting one put obligation on you. One of my favorite quotes is, I'm not going to let your emergency or your failure to plan be my emergency.
Speaker #1
I love that one.
Speaker #0
You know, and so we have to balance these things with family. I was coaching someone. And so one of the things that came out in that session was this person is attempting to establish a boundary, a very healthy boundary in their very young marriage. And so this person had a parent and the parent was trying to call them and they're like, hey, I'm with my spouse right now, so I can't talk to you right now, but I can text you. I'll respond to you that way. You know, we're having time. And so that that spouse. I'm assuming that the parent came a little irritated and offended because their child wasn't quote unquote available for them. OK. And so that's a very real example.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
Don't allow parents to make you feel guilty because you're putting the now that you've left the cleave to become one. No, your spouse is the number one priority now.
Speaker #1
Right. And you have to be prepared for that backlash that you might get when you start to set boundaries, especially if it's something new that you're implementing that people aren't used to. And it's not something that you've had, you know, in place for a little while. Exactly. You may feel a little heat from it. But again, if you go back to, OK, what are my core values? What is is my priority right now? And there's ways that you can communicate your boundaries to other people respectfully. But you do need to stand your ground and say, this is the boundary that I have right now. You know, thank you for respecting it. And this is what we're going to do going forward.
Speaker #0
And that, again, the goal there is the people in your immediate space, you want to maintain that peace. Yeah. So if someone doesn't understand that, well, I'm sorry, but I have to do this in order to keep my area happy. flowing all together the haven.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
And so that's what you have to do. And then you have to maintain that. Remember, if you are getting anything from this episode today, give it a thumbs up, like, and subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. We would really, really appreciate it. Help us increase our reach to people just like you. Thank you so much. So in this note here, one of the things you can do. is to protect your emotional bank account. I love this. Okay. How saying yes too much can lead to burnout. Hello, anybody experience that? Absolutely. Put it in the comments. Resentment, anybody guilty of that? Hello, I've been guilty of that. And ultimately, a disconnect in your relationship. So talk to us about how there can be resentment due to saying.
Speaker #1
yes to other things versus your partner sure so if your spouse is saying yes i'll give you a really easy example saying yes a lot to work so they're either out of the house or they're in their office and they're busy you know i'm not saying they're not doing great things but they're saying yes to work obligations you as the other spouse might be resentful that now you have to always make dinner or you always have to clean up or you always have to take care of the kids or you You're the default parent is, you know, one of the words that people throw out a lot and just feel like there's so much on you because one of the people of your team is doing something else that they have chosen over you. So it's really talking through those expectations with your spouse, really communicating, okay, this is how I'm feeling when you prioritize this. Can we work towards balancing that out or changing? you know, our boundaries in such a way.
Speaker #0
And notice how we're, you're phrasing that, not you're working so much, you'll never put me first. We're blaming and we're putting accusatory statements. Hey, I feel this way when this takes place. If you could spend then, you know, if this, then that, right? So work on, and we have gone through that in some previous podcasts. And we also teach this, but work on using those I language statements and practice even before you communicate it. Practice your speech, practice your conversation because you want it to be understood. You want it to be received. And again, ultimately, you both are supposed to be working towards one goal, one common goal, and that is your relationship.
Speaker #1
Right. Work through what you want to say so you know what you're meaning to say. Right. When you get it out and then ask them to clarify, you know, we talk a lot about going back and forth. So, you know, I heard you say this, is this what you meant? Sure. Type of thing. And really working towards the fact, and just as a reminder that your spouse really does deserve the best parts of you and not always the last, you know, after you've done everything else on the checklist. We fall into bed exhausted. Okay. Do you want to talk for a bit?
Speaker #0
The last 10 minutes before we chill out. And while you're talking, you're scrolling Instagram, right?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so it's just, it's going to over time build resume. It's kind of like you're eating junk food instead of putting in the vegetables, right? So yeah, you can last a little while on potato chips and ice cream, but probably, you know, a month into that sucker, you're going to start feeling less tired, less energetic, less motivated. Why? It's because you're not getting the nutrients you need from the good food. Same thing for your relationship. You've got to invest, put in the time and the effort. And the only way that can take place is you have to be intent. And we keep using the word intent because it takes intentional effort. You have to be zealous.
Speaker #1
Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
Yes. To protect, you know, the whole, we must protect this house. So you've got to protect your house. Number one, the enemy does not want your relationship to succeed. He hates marriage because it's why it's a great, right? So he does not want you to, to experience the joy and the fruitfulness of marriage. So you really have to be. vigilant. The scripture tells us to be sober, be vigilant. Why? Because your adversary, he's looking for the one he can destroy, for the family he can destroy. So one of the things we always try to do is we try to challenge you. It's not every episode, at least every few episodes with the challenge. So I would challenge you to take some time. If you can't start it every day, start out once a week of de-plugging. So one of the things that we try to institute is on Sundays at 7 o'clock, it's de-plug. We're not doing laundry. We're not doing charts. We're not doing bills. We're not doing anything. Sunday at 7, it's chill from 7 to 9, because typically we're trying to be in bed by 9, not 3 to 10. But at least for three hours out of the week, that is. do nothing time.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. A good time to refresh. And also if you know, okay, this is, again, we're saying no to other things, right? And we're setting the boundary. This is what we're going to do. We're going to stick with it. And you actually have to do what you plan to do. Right. But we know, Hey, don't forget Sunday at seven. And we're like, yes, got it. Get, get what you needed to get done beforehand. And so it's kind of an ongoing weekly thing. We know to expect it. We know that we're investing in our marriage because we're getting things out of it. Right. We're putting in that specific boundary. We're saying no. And in return, we're getting fruit from that.
Speaker #0
Date night, right? At least minimum once a week. And again.
Speaker #1
Once a month. Some people like to do once a week, but we do at least twice.
Speaker #0
So we know for us, well, once a week is kind of unrealistic for us at this season of our lives, right? So for us, a minimum of once a month. We try to do more than once a month. Sometimes we do, sometimes we can't do it. But the bare minimum is once a month, a uninterrupted three, four hour time of just Jennifer and Terrell. Yes. Right? And so that is a boundary that we've put in and we have to do that. And it's something that we choose to do to invest. Why? In the longevity of our relationship. So if your relationship isn't where you'd like it to be today, it's okay. okay, it can be turned around. Begin to take little steps, just like finances, right? Yes. There's no situation that's unfixable, unredeemable, but you have to start taking little steps to get to where you want to be. And this is one of them. It's a major one to start saying no. And maybe it's not a complete. turn off we're not saying lock yourself away from friends or you know tell mom and dad bye never see them again yeah neglect the kids don't clean your house like right that's not what we're saying right what we're saying is prioritize and don't overextend yourself because you want to help because we're trying to get everything else done don't let that take you away from yes the one thing that's needful yes absolutely love that you All right. So if you got anything from today's episode, we hope you did, that it gave you a little bit of answers. Feel free to let us know. You can drop us a comment, DM us anywhere on social media. It is at Oak Haven Company. And also as well, the email is info, not info.
Speaker #1
Hi. Hi.
Speaker #0
Hi at oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now upcoming in a couple of weeks in September, we're also running our relationship challenge, which is perfect. for what we were talking about this episode. So you need to grab that when it opens in September. And it will just be a quick, actionable step that you can do every day for the month of September. Now, these things are going to take you five, 10 minutes max. But it's something that you can do to pour into your relationship. You can improve your communication. You can prioritize your spouse. And you can learn to put the important things at the top of your to-do list. So definitely.
Speaker #0
Check out that relationship challenge. Exactly. Sorry about that. That's what we're here for. We're to give you actionable steps to actually put these things into practice. But yes, it can be done. It will be done. You can enjoy life and see good days. That is the promise for you. Thanks so much for joining us and for listening. We look forward to seeing you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Let's face it, your life is complete chaos. It's busy, things are going on. So how can you invest in your relationship and the things that matter? In today's episode, we are going to give you a amazing tip that's gonna help you invest in the things that matter. Most importantly, it's your relationship. Find out what that one thing is coming up right now. Welcome back to the Home to Haven podcast of this week's episode. We are so thrilled you are here, excited for you to join us. It is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. We are the Turners. We're married and growing in communication. So if you're listening to this podcast, give us a rank, a rate, and review. Helps push the podcast out to other people. Find it if you're on YouTube and you get anything from today's episode.
Speaker #1
just don't forget to take literally a second hit that thumbs up and subscribe we would greatly appreciate it what's going on with you today how are you we're getting through august lots going on lots through getting through august meaning the month is okay is getting near closer to the end a lot of stuff goes on in august kids are back to school and busy schedule is gearing up for soccer starting soon so just getting all the calendar items in order and you know getting mentally prepared for the busy season that we have.
Speaker #0
Yeah, we took a year off of soccer and they did swim. Yes. And so now we're going to do soccer again. They've been doing it since they were three.
Speaker #1
Yes. Jane did a little bit more than Adley, but they've done it for a few seasons. So we're going to jump back in for fall season.
Speaker #0
Jump back into it for the fall. Now we've got a rehearsal or practice night and then we have a game day.
Speaker #1
Yes. So we went from once a week, we just used to have Saturday practice game right after. It was great. And so now they've leveled up. And so we're going to twice a week. So we'll see how that goes. Eight weeks of it and working around homework and all that stuff. So we're going to make that adjustment.
Speaker #0
See how it goes and take it step by step. So life is busy. We got things going on. And yeah, it can be absolute, complete chaos. Um, look at my notes here. So how do you manage, how do we, how do you listeners manage all the noise, all of the chaos? And I said noise, because one of these single greatest things you can do to invest in your relationship. Hang on, I'll take a minute. So when you think about investing, let's take just a simple investment of the stock market, or it could be a money market account. Something very, very simple. You know, you were hoping for a return. Yes. That what you put in, you're going to get that back. Not just that back. Right. but also something more in return. So if you don't make deposits, there won't be a withdrawal. Okay. So if you don't make deposits in your relationship,
Speaker #1
that's right.
Speaker #0
You know, when you go to withdraw, it's probably not going to be much there.
Speaker #1
Right. To get back out.
Speaker #0
We haven't invested to put things in to get it back out. Right. So how do you go ahead and make those investments when you've got soccer, when you've got practice, when you've got game day, when you've got, you know, Maribel, she's in ballet. Susie Lutz in gymnastics. Billy Bob Ray is over in karate. And Martin Jr., he's in soccer and t-ball. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and you've got to deal with traffic. Yeah,
Speaker #0
especially if you're in Charlotte.
Speaker #1
The logistics of getting there, making sure you remember everything, the clothes they need, the food they need. Food,
Speaker #0
lunches, snacks, you know.
Speaker #1
There's a lot.
Speaker #0
Somebody doesn't want peanuts. Somebody doesn't want chips. Somebody wants barbecue. Oh, and not to mention, you've got a job. uh projects you know oh your house and bills family finances you got a mom yeah maybe you know or a family parent extended family oh and this person you said you're kind of married to yeah should they fall that that low on the list when you're naming right
Speaker #1
of everything going on and you're talking about i have this and this and this and this and did you ever even mention anything specific for your spouse spouse yeah and we kind of get pushed yeah
Speaker #0
down on the totem pole. Yeah. And should that be? Yeah. So one of the great ways that you can invest in your relationship is simply by saying no. No, no, no. And no helps you put boundaries in place. And boundaries are not bad. Boundaries is really just not even a restriction, but it is a border. Okay. Of... I want to say parallels, but it's literally, it's just borders of places where you allow peace in your life.
Speaker #1
Okay. I like that. So you have to put things in place. It's not just going to naturally happen. No. The good, the peacefulness, the joyfulness, the connection in your relationship.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You got to be intentful in that. You have to put those things in place like barricades. Right. You have to. to put the barricades in place, if you want to maintain your, if we'll put it in secure terms, your security or your sanctity, your safe zone, then you've got to secure that.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now let's talk about how you actually go about doing that. And first of all, a lot of people might struggle with saying no, just in general. And many people are people pleasers. They like to, you know, not disappoint anybody. So when somebody's asking you, hey, can you be on the PTO? Hey, can you do this? Hey, can you take on this extra project? And you're inundated with so many things coming at you and you want to do, you want to be helpful. You want to, you know, care for other people. And so there's so many things I feel like people get asked or feel like they might need to do. And what we're saying is it's. even more important to know how to say no so that you have the space and the time that you can invest in your marriage relationship.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. You know, it's one of the things that I've been guilty of is the people pleasing. I am a servant by nature. You know, you want to please, you want to help. But what I've found is. A lot of times, first of all, you're giving and you, again, you don't get anything in return from those people. You're pouring out and there's anything getting poured back into you. And so you're not getting a return on investment. So you're like, why am I tired? Or, you know, I'm not getting this or that. It's because. where you extend your energy is it's not getting poured back into you. And so one of the great places to get poured back into is with your spouse. Okay. At least that's how God created it to function. Yeah. And again, everything that we share with you is from a faith-based biblical perspective of how God, he originally sees this relationship called, you know, marriage. Yeah. And so what I have really, really gotten into, you know, especially with work, And this year having an experience of, again, really you hear about it, but when you really see, hey, I invested this time with this company and either they let you go or your efforts aren't acknowledged or you're not rewarded with the contract or your efforts aren't, you know, monetarily, the value isn't coincided with the effort, right? Right. So it's like, okay, why would I give everything, you know, working 50, 60 hours out of the week where, you know, you may win salesperson of the month, but you miss a quota and you put on a performance plan and your family is still back home who are going to support you and love you. But they're the ones who are missing out because you're away. And I know the intent is, well, I want to take care of my family. But the ultimate way you can really be there and provide is with your time and your love.
Speaker #1
Right. And so knowing what those boundaries need to be and knowing what you need to say yes or no to is really important. And so that goes back to understanding really your core values and what you really value most of all. And really lining those up with, okay, is this thing that I'm about to say yes to, does that match our values? Does that match our season in life? Absolutely. going to help and boost our relationship or is it going to draw from our relationship is that going to take away our energy and our time with what we're choosing to do yeah so i've had requests in the past can
Speaker #0
you run this errand can you do this favor for me and i have felt guilty or you know i've i've gone out of my way to please other people yeah just to be the nice guy yeah and Outside of you and my parents, you know, and a few like really close people, there's not a lot of people you can just go down a list or name and people who would break their back for you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So typically, you know, what I've really began to practice this year, especially the last three months, is is this really necessary? And it could be something as small as I would I would push myself. of well i'm going to try to do this this and this before this appointment yeah and that might push me five minutes late and so now i'm going do i have to do this today does this have to get done before this appointment why am i pushing myself to this let me put that over here right um this person asked me for this does that really require me you You know, is this something that I really need to do? Is this something that I should do? Right. And not let anyone put guilt on you. Not letting one put obligation on you. One of my favorite quotes is, I'm not going to let your emergency or your failure to plan be my emergency.
Speaker #1
I love that one.
Speaker #0
You know, and so we have to balance these things with family. I was coaching someone. And so one of the things that came out in that session was this person is attempting to establish a boundary, a very healthy boundary in their very young marriage. And so this person had a parent and the parent was trying to call them and they're like, hey, I'm with my spouse right now, so I can't talk to you right now, but I can text you. I'll respond to you that way. You know, we're having time. And so that that spouse. I'm assuming that the parent came a little irritated and offended because their child wasn't quote unquote available for them. OK. And so that's a very real example.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
Don't allow parents to make you feel guilty because you're putting the now that you've left the cleave to become one. No, your spouse is the number one priority now.
Speaker #1
Right. And you have to be prepared for that backlash that you might get when you start to set boundaries, especially if it's something new that you're implementing that people aren't used to. And it's not something that you've had, you know, in place for a little while. Exactly. You may feel a little heat from it. But again, if you go back to, OK, what are my core values? What is is my priority right now? And there's ways that you can communicate your boundaries to other people respectfully. But you do need to stand your ground and say, this is the boundary that I have right now. You know, thank you for respecting it. And this is what we're going to do going forward.
Speaker #0
And that, again, the goal there is the people in your immediate space, you want to maintain that peace. Yeah. So if someone doesn't understand that, well, I'm sorry, but I have to do this in order to keep my area happy. flowing all together the haven.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
And so that's what you have to do. And then you have to maintain that. Remember, if you are getting anything from this episode today, give it a thumbs up, like, and subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. We would really, really appreciate it. Help us increase our reach to people just like you. Thank you so much. So in this note here, one of the things you can do. is to protect your emotional bank account. I love this. Okay. How saying yes too much can lead to burnout. Hello, anybody experience that? Absolutely. Put it in the comments. Resentment, anybody guilty of that? Hello, I've been guilty of that. And ultimately, a disconnect in your relationship. So talk to us about how there can be resentment due to saying.
Speaker #1
yes to other things versus your partner sure so if your spouse is saying yes i'll give you a really easy example saying yes a lot to work so they're either out of the house or they're in their office and they're busy you know i'm not saying they're not doing great things but they're saying yes to work obligations you as the other spouse might be resentful that now you have to always make dinner or you always have to clean up or you always have to take care of the kids or you You're the default parent is, you know, one of the words that people throw out a lot and just feel like there's so much on you because one of the people of your team is doing something else that they have chosen over you. So it's really talking through those expectations with your spouse, really communicating, okay, this is how I'm feeling when you prioritize this. Can we work towards balancing that out or changing? you know, our boundaries in such a way.
Speaker #0
And notice how we're, you're phrasing that, not you're working so much, you'll never put me first. We're blaming and we're putting accusatory statements. Hey, I feel this way when this takes place. If you could spend then, you know, if this, then that, right? So work on, and we have gone through that in some previous podcasts. And we also teach this, but work on using those I language statements and practice even before you communicate it. Practice your speech, practice your conversation because you want it to be understood. You want it to be received. And again, ultimately, you both are supposed to be working towards one goal, one common goal, and that is your relationship.
Speaker #1
Right. Work through what you want to say so you know what you're meaning to say. Right. When you get it out and then ask them to clarify, you know, we talk a lot about going back and forth. So, you know, I heard you say this, is this what you meant? Sure. Type of thing. And really working towards the fact, and just as a reminder that your spouse really does deserve the best parts of you and not always the last, you know, after you've done everything else on the checklist. We fall into bed exhausted. Okay. Do you want to talk for a bit?
Speaker #0
The last 10 minutes before we chill out. And while you're talking, you're scrolling Instagram, right?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so it's just, it's going to over time build resume. It's kind of like you're eating junk food instead of putting in the vegetables, right? So yeah, you can last a little while on potato chips and ice cream, but probably, you know, a month into that sucker, you're going to start feeling less tired, less energetic, less motivated. Why? It's because you're not getting the nutrients you need from the good food. Same thing for your relationship. You've got to invest, put in the time and the effort. And the only way that can take place is you have to be intent. And we keep using the word intent because it takes intentional effort. You have to be zealous.
Speaker #1
Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
Yes. To protect, you know, the whole, we must protect this house. So you've got to protect your house. Number one, the enemy does not want your relationship to succeed. He hates marriage because it's why it's a great, right? So he does not want you to, to experience the joy and the fruitfulness of marriage. So you really have to be. vigilant. The scripture tells us to be sober, be vigilant. Why? Because your adversary, he's looking for the one he can destroy, for the family he can destroy. So one of the things we always try to do is we try to challenge you. It's not every episode, at least every few episodes with the challenge. So I would challenge you to take some time. If you can't start it every day, start out once a week of de-plugging. So one of the things that we try to institute is on Sundays at 7 o'clock, it's de-plug. We're not doing laundry. We're not doing charts. We're not doing bills. We're not doing anything. Sunday at 7, it's chill from 7 to 9, because typically we're trying to be in bed by 9, not 3 to 10. But at least for three hours out of the week, that is. do nothing time.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. A good time to refresh. And also if you know, okay, this is, again, we're saying no to other things, right? And we're setting the boundary. This is what we're going to do. We're going to stick with it. And you actually have to do what you plan to do. Right. But we know, Hey, don't forget Sunday at seven. And we're like, yes, got it. Get, get what you needed to get done beforehand. And so it's kind of an ongoing weekly thing. We know to expect it. We know that we're investing in our marriage because we're getting things out of it. Right. We're putting in that specific boundary. We're saying no. And in return, we're getting fruit from that.
Speaker #0
Date night, right? At least minimum once a week. And again.
Speaker #1
Once a month. Some people like to do once a week, but we do at least twice.
Speaker #0
So we know for us, well, once a week is kind of unrealistic for us at this season of our lives, right? So for us, a minimum of once a month. We try to do more than once a month. Sometimes we do, sometimes we can't do it. But the bare minimum is once a month, a uninterrupted three, four hour time of just Jennifer and Terrell. Yes. Right? And so that is a boundary that we've put in and we have to do that. And it's something that we choose to do to invest. Why? In the longevity of our relationship. So if your relationship isn't where you'd like it to be today, it's okay. okay, it can be turned around. Begin to take little steps, just like finances, right? Yes. There's no situation that's unfixable, unredeemable, but you have to start taking little steps to get to where you want to be. And this is one of them. It's a major one to start saying no. And maybe it's not a complete. turn off we're not saying lock yourself away from friends or you know tell mom and dad bye never see them again yeah neglect the kids don't clean your house like right that's not what we're saying right what we're saying is prioritize and don't overextend yourself because you want to help because we're trying to get everything else done don't let that take you away from yes the one thing that's needful yes absolutely love that you All right. So if you got anything from today's episode, we hope you did, that it gave you a little bit of answers. Feel free to let us know. You can drop us a comment, DM us anywhere on social media. It is at Oak Haven Company. And also as well, the email is info, not info.
Speaker #1
Hi. Hi.
Speaker #0
Hi at oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now upcoming in a couple of weeks in September, we're also running our relationship challenge, which is perfect. for what we were talking about this episode. So you need to grab that when it opens in September. And it will just be a quick, actionable step that you can do every day for the month of September. Now, these things are going to take you five, 10 minutes max. But it's something that you can do to pour into your relationship. You can improve your communication. You can prioritize your spouse. And you can learn to put the important things at the top of your to-do list. So definitely.
Speaker #0
Check out that relationship challenge. Exactly. Sorry about that. That's what we're here for. We're to give you actionable steps to actually put these things into practice. But yes, it can be done. It will be done. You can enjoy life and see good days. That is the promise for you. Thanks so much for joining us and for listening. We look forward to seeing you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Let's face it, your life is complete chaos. It's busy, things are going on. So how can you invest in your relationship and the things that matter? In today's episode, we are going to give you a amazing tip that's gonna help you invest in the things that matter. Most importantly, it's your relationship. Find out what that one thing is coming up right now. Welcome back to the Home to Haven podcast of this week's episode. We are so thrilled you are here, excited for you to join us. It is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. We are the Turners. We're married and growing in communication. So if you're listening to this podcast, give us a rank, a rate, and review. Helps push the podcast out to other people. Find it if you're on YouTube and you get anything from today's episode.
Speaker #1
just don't forget to take literally a second hit that thumbs up and subscribe we would greatly appreciate it what's going on with you today how are you we're getting through august lots going on lots through getting through august meaning the month is okay is getting near closer to the end a lot of stuff goes on in august kids are back to school and busy schedule is gearing up for soccer starting soon so just getting all the calendar items in order and you know getting mentally prepared for the busy season that we have.
Speaker #0
Yeah, we took a year off of soccer and they did swim. Yes. And so now we're going to do soccer again. They've been doing it since they were three.
Speaker #1
Yes. Jane did a little bit more than Adley, but they've done it for a few seasons. So we're going to jump back in for fall season.
Speaker #0
Jump back into it for the fall. Now we've got a rehearsal or practice night and then we have a game day.
Speaker #1
Yes. So we went from once a week, we just used to have Saturday practice game right after. It was great. And so now they've leveled up. And so we're going to twice a week. So we'll see how that goes. Eight weeks of it and working around homework and all that stuff. So we're going to make that adjustment.
Speaker #0
See how it goes and take it step by step. So life is busy. We got things going on. And yeah, it can be absolute, complete chaos. Um, look at my notes here. So how do you manage, how do we, how do you listeners manage all the noise, all of the chaos? And I said noise, because one of these single greatest things you can do to invest in your relationship. Hang on, I'll take a minute. So when you think about investing, let's take just a simple investment of the stock market, or it could be a money market account. Something very, very simple. You know, you were hoping for a return. Yes. That what you put in, you're going to get that back. Not just that back. Right. but also something more in return. So if you don't make deposits, there won't be a withdrawal. Okay. So if you don't make deposits in your relationship,
Speaker #1
that's right.
Speaker #0
You know, when you go to withdraw, it's probably not going to be much there.
Speaker #1
Right. To get back out.
Speaker #0
We haven't invested to put things in to get it back out. Right. So how do you go ahead and make those investments when you've got soccer, when you've got practice, when you've got game day, when you've got, you know, Maribel, she's in ballet. Susie Lutz in gymnastics. Billy Bob Ray is over in karate. And Martin Jr., he's in soccer and t-ball. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and you've got to deal with traffic. Yeah,
Speaker #0
especially if you're in Charlotte.
Speaker #1
The logistics of getting there, making sure you remember everything, the clothes they need, the food they need. Food,
Speaker #0
lunches, snacks, you know.
Speaker #1
There's a lot.
Speaker #0
Somebody doesn't want peanuts. Somebody doesn't want chips. Somebody wants barbecue. Oh, and not to mention, you've got a job. uh projects you know oh your house and bills family finances you got a mom yeah maybe you know or a family parent extended family oh and this person you said you're kind of married to yeah should they fall that that low on the list when you're naming right
Speaker #1
of everything going on and you're talking about i have this and this and this and this and did you ever even mention anything specific for your spouse spouse yeah and we kind of get pushed yeah
Speaker #0
down on the totem pole. Yeah. And should that be? Yeah. So one of the great ways that you can invest in your relationship is simply by saying no. No, no, no. And no helps you put boundaries in place. And boundaries are not bad. Boundaries is really just not even a restriction, but it is a border. Okay. Of... I want to say parallels, but it's literally, it's just borders of places where you allow peace in your life.
Speaker #1
Okay. I like that. So you have to put things in place. It's not just going to naturally happen. No. The good, the peacefulness, the joyfulness, the connection in your relationship.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You got to be intentful in that. You have to put those things in place like barricades. Right. You have to. to put the barricades in place, if you want to maintain your, if we'll put it in secure terms, your security or your sanctity, your safe zone, then you've got to secure that.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now let's talk about how you actually go about doing that. And first of all, a lot of people might struggle with saying no, just in general. And many people are people pleasers. They like to, you know, not disappoint anybody. So when somebody's asking you, hey, can you be on the PTO? Hey, can you do this? Hey, can you take on this extra project? And you're inundated with so many things coming at you and you want to do, you want to be helpful. You want to, you know, care for other people. And so there's so many things I feel like people get asked or feel like they might need to do. And what we're saying is it's. even more important to know how to say no so that you have the space and the time that you can invest in your marriage relationship.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. You know, it's one of the things that I've been guilty of is the people pleasing. I am a servant by nature. You know, you want to please, you want to help. But what I've found is. A lot of times, first of all, you're giving and you, again, you don't get anything in return from those people. You're pouring out and there's anything getting poured back into you. And so you're not getting a return on investment. So you're like, why am I tired? Or, you know, I'm not getting this or that. It's because. where you extend your energy is it's not getting poured back into you. And so one of the great places to get poured back into is with your spouse. Okay. At least that's how God created it to function. Yeah. And again, everything that we share with you is from a faith-based biblical perspective of how God, he originally sees this relationship called, you know, marriage. Yeah. And so what I have really, really gotten into, you know, especially with work, And this year having an experience of, again, really you hear about it, but when you really see, hey, I invested this time with this company and either they let you go or your efforts aren't acknowledged or you're not rewarded with the contract or your efforts aren't, you know, monetarily, the value isn't coincided with the effort, right? Right. So it's like, okay, why would I give everything, you know, working 50, 60 hours out of the week where, you know, you may win salesperson of the month, but you miss a quota and you put on a performance plan and your family is still back home who are going to support you and love you. But they're the ones who are missing out because you're away. And I know the intent is, well, I want to take care of my family. But the ultimate way you can really be there and provide is with your time and your love.
Speaker #1
Right. And so knowing what those boundaries need to be and knowing what you need to say yes or no to is really important. And so that goes back to understanding really your core values and what you really value most of all. And really lining those up with, okay, is this thing that I'm about to say yes to, does that match our values? Does that match our season in life? Absolutely. going to help and boost our relationship or is it going to draw from our relationship is that going to take away our energy and our time with what we're choosing to do yeah so i've had requests in the past can
Speaker #0
you run this errand can you do this favor for me and i have felt guilty or you know i've i've gone out of my way to please other people yeah just to be the nice guy yeah and Outside of you and my parents, you know, and a few like really close people, there's not a lot of people you can just go down a list or name and people who would break their back for you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So typically, you know, what I've really began to practice this year, especially the last three months, is is this really necessary? And it could be something as small as I would I would push myself. of well i'm going to try to do this this and this before this appointment yeah and that might push me five minutes late and so now i'm going do i have to do this today does this have to get done before this appointment why am i pushing myself to this let me put that over here right um this person asked me for this does that really require me you You know, is this something that I really need to do? Is this something that I should do? Right. And not let anyone put guilt on you. Not letting one put obligation on you. One of my favorite quotes is, I'm not going to let your emergency or your failure to plan be my emergency.
Speaker #1
I love that one.
Speaker #0
You know, and so we have to balance these things with family. I was coaching someone. And so one of the things that came out in that session was this person is attempting to establish a boundary, a very healthy boundary in their very young marriage. And so this person had a parent and the parent was trying to call them and they're like, hey, I'm with my spouse right now, so I can't talk to you right now, but I can text you. I'll respond to you that way. You know, we're having time. And so that that spouse. I'm assuming that the parent came a little irritated and offended because their child wasn't quote unquote available for them. OK. And so that's a very real example.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
Don't allow parents to make you feel guilty because you're putting the now that you've left the cleave to become one. No, your spouse is the number one priority now.
Speaker #1
Right. And you have to be prepared for that backlash that you might get when you start to set boundaries, especially if it's something new that you're implementing that people aren't used to. And it's not something that you've had, you know, in place for a little while. Exactly. You may feel a little heat from it. But again, if you go back to, OK, what are my core values? What is is my priority right now? And there's ways that you can communicate your boundaries to other people respectfully. But you do need to stand your ground and say, this is the boundary that I have right now. You know, thank you for respecting it. And this is what we're going to do going forward.
Speaker #0
And that, again, the goal there is the people in your immediate space, you want to maintain that peace. Yeah. So if someone doesn't understand that, well, I'm sorry, but I have to do this in order to keep my area happy. flowing all together the haven.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
And so that's what you have to do. And then you have to maintain that. Remember, if you are getting anything from this episode today, give it a thumbs up, like, and subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. We would really, really appreciate it. Help us increase our reach to people just like you. Thank you so much. So in this note here, one of the things you can do. is to protect your emotional bank account. I love this. Okay. How saying yes too much can lead to burnout. Hello, anybody experience that? Absolutely. Put it in the comments. Resentment, anybody guilty of that? Hello, I've been guilty of that. And ultimately, a disconnect in your relationship. So talk to us about how there can be resentment due to saying.
Speaker #1
yes to other things versus your partner sure so if your spouse is saying yes i'll give you a really easy example saying yes a lot to work so they're either out of the house or they're in their office and they're busy you know i'm not saying they're not doing great things but they're saying yes to work obligations you as the other spouse might be resentful that now you have to always make dinner or you always have to clean up or you always have to take care of the kids or you You're the default parent is, you know, one of the words that people throw out a lot and just feel like there's so much on you because one of the people of your team is doing something else that they have chosen over you. So it's really talking through those expectations with your spouse, really communicating, okay, this is how I'm feeling when you prioritize this. Can we work towards balancing that out or changing? you know, our boundaries in such a way.
Speaker #0
And notice how we're, you're phrasing that, not you're working so much, you'll never put me first. We're blaming and we're putting accusatory statements. Hey, I feel this way when this takes place. If you could spend then, you know, if this, then that, right? So work on, and we have gone through that in some previous podcasts. And we also teach this, but work on using those I language statements and practice even before you communicate it. Practice your speech, practice your conversation because you want it to be understood. You want it to be received. And again, ultimately, you both are supposed to be working towards one goal, one common goal, and that is your relationship.
Speaker #1
Right. Work through what you want to say so you know what you're meaning to say. Right. When you get it out and then ask them to clarify, you know, we talk a lot about going back and forth. So, you know, I heard you say this, is this what you meant? Sure. Type of thing. And really working towards the fact, and just as a reminder that your spouse really does deserve the best parts of you and not always the last, you know, after you've done everything else on the checklist. We fall into bed exhausted. Okay. Do you want to talk for a bit?
Speaker #0
The last 10 minutes before we chill out. And while you're talking, you're scrolling Instagram, right?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so it's just, it's going to over time build resume. It's kind of like you're eating junk food instead of putting in the vegetables, right? So yeah, you can last a little while on potato chips and ice cream, but probably, you know, a month into that sucker, you're going to start feeling less tired, less energetic, less motivated. Why? It's because you're not getting the nutrients you need from the good food. Same thing for your relationship. You've got to invest, put in the time and the effort. And the only way that can take place is you have to be intent. And we keep using the word intent because it takes intentional effort. You have to be zealous.
Speaker #1
Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
Yes. To protect, you know, the whole, we must protect this house. So you've got to protect your house. Number one, the enemy does not want your relationship to succeed. He hates marriage because it's why it's a great, right? So he does not want you to, to experience the joy and the fruitfulness of marriage. So you really have to be. vigilant. The scripture tells us to be sober, be vigilant. Why? Because your adversary, he's looking for the one he can destroy, for the family he can destroy. So one of the things we always try to do is we try to challenge you. It's not every episode, at least every few episodes with the challenge. So I would challenge you to take some time. If you can't start it every day, start out once a week of de-plugging. So one of the things that we try to institute is on Sundays at 7 o'clock, it's de-plug. We're not doing laundry. We're not doing charts. We're not doing bills. We're not doing anything. Sunday at 7, it's chill from 7 to 9, because typically we're trying to be in bed by 9, not 3 to 10. But at least for three hours out of the week, that is. do nothing time.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. A good time to refresh. And also if you know, okay, this is, again, we're saying no to other things, right? And we're setting the boundary. This is what we're going to do. We're going to stick with it. And you actually have to do what you plan to do. Right. But we know, Hey, don't forget Sunday at seven. And we're like, yes, got it. Get, get what you needed to get done beforehand. And so it's kind of an ongoing weekly thing. We know to expect it. We know that we're investing in our marriage because we're getting things out of it. Right. We're putting in that specific boundary. We're saying no. And in return, we're getting fruit from that.
Speaker #0
Date night, right? At least minimum once a week. And again.
Speaker #1
Once a month. Some people like to do once a week, but we do at least twice.
Speaker #0
So we know for us, well, once a week is kind of unrealistic for us at this season of our lives, right? So for us, a minimum of once a month. We try to do more than once a month. Sometimes we do, sometimes we can't do it. But the bare minimum is once a month, a uninterrupted three, four hour time of just Jennifer and Terrell. Yes. Right? And so that is a boundary that we've put in and we have to do that. And it's something that we choose to do to invest. Why? In the longevity of our relationship. So if your relationship isn't where you'd like it to be today, it's okay. okay, it can be turned around. Begin to take little steps, just like finances, right? Yes. There's no situation that's unfixable, unredeemable, but you have to start taking little steps to get to where you want to be. And this is one of them. It's a major one to start saying no. And maybe it's not a complete. turn off we're not saying lock yourself away from friends or you know tell mom and dad bye never see them again yeah neglect the kids don't clean your house like right that's not what we're saying right what we're saying is prioritize and don't overextend yourself because you want to help because we're trying to get everything else done don't let that take you away from yes the one thing that's needful yes absolutely love that you All right. So if you got anything from today's episode, we hope you did, that it gave you a little bit of answers. Feel free to let us know. You can drop us a comment, DM us anywhere on social media. It is at Oak Haven Company. And also as well, the email is info, not info.
Speaker #1
Hi. Hi.
Speaker #0
Hi at oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now upcoming in a couple of weeks in September, we're also running our relationship challenge, which is perfect. for what we were talking about this episode. So you need to grab that when it opens in September. And it will just be a quick, actionable step that you can do every day for the month of September. Now, these things are going to take you five, 10 minutes max. But it's something that you can do to pour into your relationship. You can improve your communication. You can prioritize your spouse. And you can learn to put the important things at the top of your to-do list. So definitely.
Speaker #0
Check out that relationship challenge. Exactly. Sorry about that. That's what we're here for. We're to give you actionable steps to actually put these things into practice. But yes, it can be done. It will be done. You can enjoy life and see good days. That is the promise for you. Thanks so much for joining us and for listening. We look forward to seeing you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Let's face it, your life is complete chaos. It's busy, things are going on. So how can you invest in your relationship and the things that matter? In today's episode, we are going to give you a amazing tip that's gonna help you invest in the things that matter. Most importantly, it's your relationship. Find out what that one thing is coming up right now. Welcome back to the Home to Haven podcast of this week's episode. We are so thrilled you are here, excited for you to join us. It is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. We are the Turners. We're married and growing in communication. So if you're listening to this podcast, give us a rank, a rate, and review. Helps push the podcast out to other people. Find it if you're on YouTube and you get anything from today's episode.
Speaker #1
just don't forget to take literally a second hit that thumbs up and subscribe we would greatly appreciate it what's going on with you today how are you we're getting through august lots going on lots through getting through august meaning the month is okay is getting near closer to the end a lot of stuff goes on in august kids are back to school and busy schedule is gearing up for soccer starting soon so just getting all the calendar items in order and you know getting mentally prepared for the busy season that we have.
Speaker #0
Yeah, we took a year off of soccer and they did swim. Yes. And so now we're going to do soccer again. They've been doing it since they were three.
Speaker #1
Yes. Jane did a little bit more than Adley, but they've done it for a few seasons. So we're going to jump back in for fall season.
Speaker #0
Jump back into it for the fall. Now we've got a rehearsal or practice night and then we have a game day.
Speaker #1
Yes. So we went from once a week, we just used to have Saturday practice game right after. It was great. And so now they've leveled up. And so we're going to twice a week. So we'll see how that goes. Eight weeks of it and working around homework and all that stuff. So we're going to make that adjustment.
Speaker #0
See how it goes and take it step by step. So life is busy. We got things going on. And yeah, it can be absolute, complete chaos. Um, look at my notes here. So how do you manage, how do we, how do you listeners manage all the noise, all of the chaos? And I said noise, because one of these single greatest things you can do to invest in your relationship. Hang on, I'll take a minute. So when you think about investing, let's take just a simple investment of the stock market, or it could be a money market account. Something very, very simple. You know, you were hoping for a return. Yes. That what you put in, you're going to get that back. Not just that back. Right. but also something more in return. So if you don't make deposits, there won't be a withdrawal. Okay. So if you don't make deposits in your relationship,
Speaker #1
that's right.
Speaker #0
You know, when you go to withdraw, it's probably not going to be much there.
Speaker #1
Right. To get back out.
Speaker #0
We haven't invested to put things in to get it back out. Right. So how do you go ahead and make those investments when you've got soccer, when you've got practice, when you've got game day, when you've got, you know, Maribel, she's in ballet. Susie Lutz in gymnastics. Billy Bob Ray is over in karate. And Martin Jr., he's in soccer and t-ball. Yeah,
Speaker #1
and you've got to deal with traffic. Yeah,
Speaker #0
especially if you're in Charlotte.
Speaker #1
The logistics of getting there, making sure you remember everything, the clothes they need, the food they need. Food,
Speaker #0
lunches, snacks, you know.
Speaker #1
There's a lot.
Speaker #0
Somebody doesn't want peanuts. Somebody doesn't want chips. Somebody wants barbecue. Oh, and not to mention, you've got a job. uh projects you know oh your house and bills family finances you got a mom yeah maybe you know or a family parent extended family oh and this person you said you're kind of married to yeah should they fall that that low on the list when you're naming right
Speaker #1
of everything going on and you're talking about i have this and this and this and this and did you ever even mention anything specific for your spouse spouse yeah and we kind of get pushed yeah
Speaker #0
down on the totem pole. Yeah. And should that be? Yeah. So one of the great ways that you can invest in your relationship is simply by saying no. No, no, no. And no helps you put boundaries in place. And boundaries are not bad. Boundaries is really just not even a restriction, but it is a border. Okay. Of... I want to say parallels, but it's literally, it's just borders of places where you allow peace in your life.
Speaker #1
Okay. I like that. So you have to put things in place. It's not just going to naturally happen. No. The good, the peacefulness, the joyfulness, the connection in your relationship.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You got to be intentful in that. You have to put those things in place like barricades. Right. You have to. to put the barricades in place, if you want to maintain your, if we'll put it in secure terms, your security or your sanctity, your safe zone, then you've got to secure that.
Speaker #1
Okay. Now let's talk about how you actually go about doing that. And first of all, a lot of people might struggle with saying no, just in general. And many people are people pleasers. They like to, you know, not disappoint anybody. So when somebody's asking you, hey, can you be on the PTO? Hey, can you do this? Hey, can you take on this extra project? And you're inundated with so many things coming at you and you want to do, you want to be helpful. You want to, you know, care for other people. And so there's so many things I feel like people get asked or feel like they might need to do. And what we're saying is it's. even more important to know how to say no so that you have the space and the time that you can invest in your marriage relationship.
Speaker #0
A hundred percent. You know, it's one of the things that I've been guilty of is the people pleasing. I am a servant by nature. You know, you want to please, you want to help. But what I've found is. A lot of times, first of all, you're giving and you, again, you don't get anything in return from those people. You're pouring out and there's anything getting poured back into you. And so you're not getting a return on investment. So you're like, why am I tired? Or, you know, I'm not getting this or that. It's because. where you extend your energy is it's not getting poured back into you. And so one of the great places to get poured back into is with your spouse. Okay. At least that's how God created it to function. Yeah. And again, everything that we share with you is from a faith-based biblical perspective of how God, he originally sees this relationship called, you know, marriage. Yeah. And so what I have really, really gotten into, you know, especially with work, And this year having an experience of, again, really you hear about it, but when you really see, hey, I invested this time with this company and either they let you go or your efforts aren't acknowledged or you're not rewarded with the contract or your efforts aren't, you know, monetarily, the value isn't coincided with the effort, right? Right. So it's like, okay, why would I give everything, you know, working 50, 60 hours out of the week where, you know, you may win salesperson of the month, but you miss a quota and you put on a performance plan and your family is still back home who are going to support you and love you. But they're the ones who are missing out because you're away. And I know the intent is, well, I want to take care of my family. But the ultimate way you can really be there and provide is with your time and your love.
Speaker #1
Right. And so knowing what those boundaries need to be and knowing what you need to say yes or no to is really important. And so that goes back to understanding really your core values and what you really value most of all. And really lining those up with, okay, is this thing that I'm about to say yes to, does that match our values? Does that match our season in life? Absolutely. going to help and boost our relationship or is it going to draw from our relationship is that going to take away our energy and our time with what we're choosing to do yeah so i've had requests in the past can
Speaker #0
you run this errand can you do this favor for me and i have felt guilty or you know i've i've gone out of my way to please other people yeah just to be the nice guy yeah and Outside of you and my parents, you know, and a few like really close people, there's not a lot of people you can just go down a list or name and people who would break their back for you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker #0
So typically, you know, what I've really began to practice this year, especially the last three months, is is this really necessary? And it could be something as small as I would I would push myself. of well i'm going to try to do this this and this before this appointment yeah and that might push me five minutes late and so now i'm going do i have to do this today does this have to get done before this appointment why am i pushing myself to this let me put that over here right um this person asked me for this does that really require me you You know, is this something that I really need to do? Is this something that I should do? Right. And not let anyone put guilt on you. Not letting one put obligation on you. One of my favorite quotes is, I'm not going to let your emergency or your failure to plan be my emergency.
Speaker #1
I love that one.
Speaker #0
You know, and so we have to balance these things with family. I was coaching someone. And so one of the things that came out in that session was this person is attempting to establish a boundary, a very healthy boundary in their very young marriage. And so this person had a parent and the parent was trying to call them and they're like, hey, I'm with my spouse right now, so I can't talk to you right now, but I can text you. I'll respond to you that way. You know, we're having time. And so that that spouse. I'm assuming that the parent came a little irritated and offended because their child wasn't quote unquote available for them. OK. And so that's a very real example.
Speaker #1
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker #0
Don't allow parents to make you feel guilty because you're putting the now that you've left the cleave to become one. No, your spouse is the number one priority now.
Speaker #1
Right. And you have to be prepared for that backlash that you might get when you start to set boundaries, especially if it's something new that you're implementing that people aren't used to. And it's not something that you've had, you know, in place for a little while. Exactly. You may feel a little heat from it. But again, if you go back to, OK, what are my core values? What is is my priority right now? And there's ways that you can communicate your boundaries to other people respectfully. But you do need to stand your ground and say, this is the boundary that I have right now. You know, thank you for respecting it. And this is what we're going to do going forward.
Speaker #0
And that, again, the goal there is the people in your immediate space, you want to maintain that peace. Yeah. So if someone doesn't understand that, well, I'm sorry, but I have to do this in order to keep my area happy. flowing all together the haven.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
And so that's what you have to do. And then you have to maintain that. Remember, if you are getting anything from this episode today, give it a thumbs up, like, and subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. We would really, really appreciate it. Help us increase our reach to people just like you. Thank you so much. So in this note here, one of the things you can do. is to protect your emotional bank account. I love this. Okay. How saying yes too much can lead to burnout. Hello, anybody experience that? Absolutely. Put it in the comments. Resentment, anybody guilty of that? Hello, I've been guilty of that. And ultimately, a disconnect in your relationship. So talk to us about how there can be resentment due to saying.
Speaker #1
yes to other things versus your partner sure so if your spouse is saying yes i'll give you a really easy example saying yes a lot to work so they're either out of the house or they're in their office and they're busy you know i'm not saying they're not doing great things but they're saying yes to work obligations you as the other spouse might be resentful that now you have to always make dinner or you always have to clean up or you always have to take care of the kids or you You're the default parent is, you know, one of the words that people throw out a lot and just feel like there's so much on you because one of the people of your team is doing something else that they have chosen over you. So it's really talking through those expectations with your spouse, really communicating, okay, this is how I'm feeling when you prioritize this. Can we work towards balancing that out or changing? you know, our boundaries in such a way.
Speaker #0
And notice how we're, you're phrasing that, not you're working so much, you'll never put me first. We're blaming and we're putting accusatory statements. Hey, I feel this way when this takes place. If you could spend then, you know, if this, then that, right? So work on, and we have gone through that in some previous podcasts. And we also teach this, but work on using those I language statements and practice even before you communicate it. Practice your speech, practice your conversation because you want it to be understood. You want it to be received. And again, ultimately, you both are supposed to be working towards one goal, one common goal, and that is your relationship.
Speaker #1
Right. Work through what you want to say so you know what you're meaning to say. Right. When you get it out and then ask them to clarify, you know, we talk a lot about going back and forth. So, you know, I heard you say this, is this what you meant? Sure. Type of thing. And really working towards the fact, and just as a reminder that your spouse really does deserve the best parts of you and not always the last, you know, after you've done everything else on the checklist. We fall into bed exhausted. Okay. Do you want to talk for a bit?
Speaker #0
The last 10 minutes before we chill out. And while you're talking, you're scrolling Instagram, right?
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so it's just, it's going to over time build resume. It's kind of like you're eating junk food instead of putting in the vegetables, right? So yeah, you can last a little while on potato chips and ice cream, but probably, you know, a month into that sucker, you're going to start feeling less tired, less energetic, less motivated. Why? It's because you're not getting the nutrients you need from the good food. Same thing for your relationship. You've got to invest, put in the time and the effort. And the only way that can take place is you have to be intent. And we keep using the word intent because it takes intentional effort. You have to be zealous.
Speaker #1
Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
Yes. To protect, you know, the whole, we must protect this house. So you've got to protect your house. Number one, the enemy does not want your relationship to succeed. He hates marriage because it's why it's a great, right? So he does not want you to, to experience the joy and the fruitfulness of marriage. So you really have to be. vigilant. The scripture tells us to be sober, be vigilant. Why? Because your adversary, he's looking for the one he can destroy, for the family he can destroy. So one of the things we always try to do is we try to challenge you. It's not every episode, at least every few episodes with the challenge. So I would challenge you to take some time. If you can't start it every day, start out once a week of de-plugging. So one of the things that we try to institute is on Sundays at 7 o'clock, it's de-plug. We're not doing laundry. We're not doing charts. We're not doing bills. We're not doing anything. Sunday at 7, it's chill from 7 to 9, because typically we're trying to be in bed by 9, not 3 to 10. But at least for three hours out of the week, that is. do nothing time.
Speaker #1
Right. Right. A good time to refresh. And also if you know, okay, this is, again, we're saying no to other things, right? And we're setting the boundary. This is what we're going to do. We're going to stick with it. And you actually have to do what you plan to do. Right. But we know, Hey, don't forget Sunday at seven. And we're like, yes, got it. Get, get what you needed to get done beforehand. And so it's kind of an ongoing weekly thing. We know to expect it. We know that we're investing in our marriage because we're getting things out of it. Right. We're putting in that specific boundary. We're saying no. And in return, we're getting fruit from that.
Speaker #0
Date night, right? At least minimum once a week. And again.
Speaker #1
Once a month. Some people like to do once a week, but we do at least twice.
Speaker #0
So we know for us, well, once a week is kind of unrealistic for us at this season of our lives, right? So for us, a minimum of once a month. We try to do more than once a month. Sometimes we do, sometimes we can't do it. But the bare minimum is once a month, a uninterrupted three, four hour time of just Jennifer and Terrell. Yes. Right? And so that is a boundary that we've put in and we have to do that. And it's something that we choose to do to invest. Why? In the longevity of our relationship. So if your relationship isn't where you'd like it to be today, it's okay. okay, it can be turned around. Begin to take little steps, just like finances, right? Yes. There's no situation that's unfixable, unredeemable, but you have to start taking little steps to get to where you want to be. And this is one of them. It's a major one to start saying no. And maybe it's not a complete. turn off we're not saying lock yourself away from friends or you know tell mom and dad bye never see them again yeah neglect the kids don't clean your house like right that's not what we're saying right what we're saying is prioritize and don't overextend yourself because you want to help because we're trying to get everything else done don't let that take you away from yes the one thing that's needful yes absolutely love that you All right. So if you got anything from today's episode, we hope you did, that it gave you a little bit of answers. Feel free to let us know. You can drop us a comment, DM us anywhere on social media. It is at Oak Haven Company. And also as well, the email is info, not info.
Speaker #1
Hi. Hi.
Speaker #0
Hi at oakhavencompany.com.
Speaker #1
That's right. Now upcoming in a couple of weeks in September, we're also running our relationship challenge, which is perfect. for what we were talking about this episode. So you need to grab that when it opens in September. And it will just be a quick, actionable step that you can do every day for the month of September. Now, these things are going to take you five, 10 minutes max. But it's something that you can do to pour into your relationship. You can improve your communication. You can prioritize your spouse. And you can learn to put the important things at the top of your to-do list. So definitely.
Speaker #0
Check out that relationship challenge. Exactly. Sorry about that. That's what we're here for. We're to give you actionable steps to actually put these things into practice. But yes, it can be done. It will be done. You can enjoy life and see good days. That is the promise for you. Thanks so much for joining us and for listening. We look forward to seeing you next week. And remember that wisdom builds the house.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources: