- Speaker #0
Ah, one, two, three! Welcome back, lost souls of the dungeon. I truly want to thank all of you for listening to the Tales of Haven, a tavern in the dungeon. If you like what you hear, be sure to leave us a nice review at your local adventuring guild. And if you don't like what you hear, then try your luck outside amidst the terrifying monsters and hazardous traps. Good luck! I'm joking. Haven is a place for everyone. Even those who may not enjoy something now might enjoy it in the future. Now let's get back to our story. Ilara Wild, a young adventurer who nearly died inside the deadly labyrinth known as the Labyrinth of the Dead, the dungeon, is rescued by Gorim, the owner and operator of Haven, a tavern in the dungeon. Haven's own resident cleric, Theron, aids in Allara's fight to survive, and to everyone's joy she emerges from the battle victorious. But not all is without consequence. Allara lost her right arm, at least halfway up her forearm. Theron continues his crusade of self-doubt and the rest of us? Well, we're all emotionally drained. So come on down and pull up a chair. Because this shit right here is just about to get started. Episode 3, Unarmed.
- Speaker #1
Who is it?
- Speaker #2
It's me, Theron. May I have a word?
- Speaker #1
Uh, I, I, uh, sure. Come in.
- Speaker #2
Thanks. Uh, so, how are you feeling?
- Speaker #1
Good. Yep. Never better.
- Speaker #2
I, uh, can't help but notice those words feel a little insincere.
- Speaker #1
Huh. I guess.
- Speaker #2
Alara, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't heal you. It's my fault.
- Speaker #1
No, it's definitely not your fault.
- Speaker #2
But Alara...
- Speaker #1
It's no one's fault but mine. I'm the reason this happened. I should have listened to them.
- Speaker #2
Who?
- Speaker #1
I don't know. Everyone. My parents. My family. My friends. All our neighbors. None of the elders. Everyone.
- Speaker #2
I see.
- Speaker #1
It's my fault. I'm the only one who didn't see how stupid I am.
- Speaker #2
Yalara, that's not true. Don't say that.
- Speaker #1
But it is. I spent all my entire savings on learning one stupid spell.
- Speaker #2
Is it a combat spell?
- Speaker #1
Nope, not in the slightest.
- Speaker #2
Oh.
- Speaker #1
Just so I could go on an adventure with a bunch of assholes who were planning on using me as bait.
- Speaker #2
Bait? For what?
- Speaker #1
I don't know. Something in the dungeon. Doesn't matter anyways because I snuck away. But that's when...
- Speaker #2
When?
- Speaker #1
When?
- Speaker #2
Hey, it's okay. Uh, we don't have to talk about it. So, you're into casting magic? Mind if I ask what made you want to learn?
- Speaker #1
Oh. Um... To be honest, I don't really know myself. But I do know what I told myself, though.
- Speaker #2
And what's that?
- Speaker #1
Well, I thought I wanted to be an adventurer. You know, braving the dungeon and finding treasure.
- Speaker #2
Right, treasure. What other reason would there be?
- Speaker #1
Hey, for us poor folks, it's get rich or die trying. Life ain't easy where I'm from.
- Speaker #2
Oh, no judgment here. I grew up near Furnace Row, so I know all about poverty.
- Speaker #1
Furnace Row?
- Speaker #2
In fact, when I was younger... All I wanted was stacks on stacks on stacks. Of coins. Of course, also sacks. Fat sacks. Stacks and sacks.
- Speaker #1
You're silly.
- Speaker #2
Silly? I've been called lots of names. But silly. No one's ever called me that before.
- Speaker #1
Oh, is that right?
- Speaker #2
Yep, you're the first.
- Speaker #1
Well, then you're the first person to have a... Laid your hands on me.
- Speaker #2
Whoa. Huh? I would never... That's... Uh-huh.
- Speaker #1
Wait. It wasn't you who healed me?
- Speaker #2
Yes, it was. But I didn't touch you. But besides, changing your bandages.
- Speaker #1
Oh. But you didn't need to lay your hands on me? No. Like the healer in my village? What?
- Speaker #2
Oh. Your village healer must have been a paladin. That makes more sense.
- Speaker #1
Ew, what did you think I meant?
- Speaker #2
I- Uh,
- Speaker #1
uh... I'm just messing with you. But seriously, they're on... Thank you for saving my life. Seriously. I owe you everything.
- Speaker #2
No, don't say that.
- Speaker #1
Why not?
- Speaker #2
Because, Yalara, your arm...
- Speaker #1
Oh, that thing? I didn't even notice.
- Speaker #2
Yalara...
- Speaker #1
They're on... It's okay. I'll learn to live with it. Don't worry. I'm alive. That's all that matters, right?
- Speaker #2
I, uh... I'm very glad you're awake. Oh, that reminds me. Are you hungry?
- Speaker #1
Hmm. I wasn't before, but I think I am now. What are we having?
- Speaker #2
Oh, one thing you're going to have to get used to around here is that Brunak only cooks one thing, but he cooks it very well.
- Speaker #1
Let me guess.
- Speaker #2
Stew? Stew. Yeah, you guessed it.
- Speaker #1
Mmm, sounds good. Wait, why is that giant green monster in charge of the kitchen again?
- Speaker #2
Long story. I'll let Brunac tell it. He likes to tell it himself.
- Speaker #1
Okay, let me put on some clothes and I'll be right down.
- Speaker #2
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
- Speaker #1
Huh? Why?
- Speaker #2
I didn't know you were a bear. Uh, uh,
- Speaker #1
yeah. Is everything alright?
- Speaker #2
Yup. See you downstairs?
- Speaker #1
Okay, see you there. Heh heh,
- Speaker #2
yup.
- Speaker #1
Huh. What a weird guy. But I kinda like him.
- Speaker #2
Yes.
- Speaker #1
Theron?
- Speaker #2
See you downstairs.
- Speaker #3
You smell that, Gorim?
- Speaker #0
Yeah, the smell of fresh air. Lorelai, you outdo yourself, milady.
- Speaker #3
Well... I just thought you deserved a little treat. No matter how much you'd like to pretend you don't, I know deep down you miss the world outside.
- Speaker #0
Well, that's only because you always show me the world that I used to love. Not the world that is there today. Your illusions are nostalgic and I love them. But soon enough, there won't be a place like this on the surface anymore.
- Speaker #3
Yeah. Whichever goddess out there that created humans really had a terrible sense of humor.
- Speaker #0
Hey, most of us aren't that bad. Still, a few bad apples always leads to more bad apples, doesn't it?
- Speaker #3
I wouldn't know. I'm allergic to them.
- Speaker #0
How could I have forgotten?
- Speaker #3
It's nice out here.
- Speaker #0
Yeah, it is. It was.
- Speaker #3
Gorim. Hmm? What are you going to do about that poor girl?
- Speaker #0
I have no idea.
- Speaker #3
Then... here's a good idea. Why don't I take her to the surface?
- Speaker #0
No, absolutely not.
- Speaker #3
Why not? When's the last time you've tried?
- Speaker #0
Lorelei, you cannot do it. She will not survive it. And even if she does, they'll be waiting for her.
- Speaker #3
Okay, fine. Change of topic. She'll need to be trained then.
- Speaker #0
Hm. Who'd you have in mind?
- Speaker #3
Well, for starters, I can show her a few things. And Aaliyah too, I guess. Oh, no. Okay, perhaps not. Hey,
- Speaker #0
you'll tell me if you feel like it's time to move on, right?
- Speaker #3
What? Um, yeah, of course, dude. You're like a brother to me. I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
- Speaker #0
Promise?
- Speaker #3
Yeah, I promise.
- Speaker #0
Good. Now back to Alara's training. I'm assuming you had someone else in mind. Hmm.
- Speaker #3
You know me so well. Yes, as matter of fact, I do.
- Speaker #0
And may I ask who that might be?
- Speaker #3
Hmm. You know we don't usually share our secrets. I thought that was the rule.
- Speaker #4
Oh.
- Speaker #0
Loralee, we're literally inside a memory of my childhood home. I think over the years we've broken that rule once or twice.
- Speaker #3
Okay, fine. He's my nephew. Runs a treasure shop in Bastion. That's where we'll find him.
- Speaker #0
I'm from Bastion, you say?
- Speaker #3
Gorim, he's the one. Ellara will absolutely need his guidance.
- Speaker #0
What's this nephew of yours doing in the dungeon? Also, what's his name?
- Speaker #3
His name is Joshua. And I told you, he runs the Gold Chalice in Bastion.
- Speaker #0
The Gold Chalice, huh? Can't believe I'm gonna say this. But I guess we're headed to Bastion.
- Speaker #3
To Bastion? You think we could get a ride? I mean, it's going to be a far journey otherwise.
- Speaker #0
Yeah, yeah, I'll see what I can do. And here I thought all you wanted was to show me a good time.
- Speaker #3
Gorim, shut up. Pity doesn't look good on you.
- Speaker #0
You're so mean sometimes.
- Speaker #3
Stop being a baby.
- Speaker #0
Compared to how old you are, I practically am a baby.
- Speaker #3
Oh, I will beat you up, you little shit. Let's go tell the others. My concentration is wearing thin anyways.
- Speaker #0
Five more minutes?
- Speaker #3
Fine.
- Speaker #0
Thanks.
- Speaker #3
It's nice out here.
- Speaker #0
The Plunge in Dungeon presents A Tavern in the Dungeon. Once a month, you'll hear stories about a legendary tavern ran by a group of misfits who try to provide a safe haven for those who adventure deep in the dark labyrinths of the dungeon. Until the day the tavern shuts down, you will be able to enjoy the magical ballads and tales woven by Sylvia for free. Brunac is preparing one of his delicious stews, just in case you have an extra coin to spare. And if you like what you hear, consider tipping the staff. As the proprietor of this tavern, I am obligated to tell you listeners that the tales within these four walls are meant to be funny, often dark, but with just enough goodness to balance you out. It's another day here in Haven. The ale is stocked, the instruments tuned, and the food is a-stewing. All you have to do is open the door. See you inside. A Tavern in the Dungeon
- Speaker #5
Oh, wow. Look at all this loot. This is awesome. What is this place?
- Speaker #4
It's a treasure shop, Daniel. This is where adventurers go to sell what they find in the dungeon.
- Speaker #5
Wait. I'm an adventurer, too. Yes, Daniel. Yes, you are. No, no, no, but I mean, if I'm an adventurer, how come we never went to a treasure shop before? Hmm, come to think of it, me neither.
- Speaker #4
Well, that's probably because you never found any real treasure before. Whoa,
- Speaker #5
whoa. Yeah, we found loot all the time. And I mean all the time. Not some of the time, though. Yeah, bro. They called us the Loot Boys with a Z.
- Speaker #4
Are you guys being serious?
- Speaker #5
A dead serious,
- Speaker #4
dog. Okay. Well, then tell me about one of the treasures you found.
- Speaker #5
Uh, um, you know, wait, General Loot. What? I guess, you know, various trinkets and such. Uh. Oh, silver. Remember that scar?
- Speaker #4
Yep, yep,
- Speaker #5
we did. We found silver. Remember finding it, don't remember spending it. You crack me up. Wait,
- Speaker #4
silver what? What kind of silver?
- Speaker #5
What kind of silver? Uh, like, I don't know, 15. Nah, more than that. Or like, 20. 20 silver pieces, right?
- Speaker #4
Silver pieces. Uh-huh. Various trinkets, huh?
- Speaker #5
Shiny trinket stock.
- Speaker #4
Guys, that's just loot.
- Speaker #5
Uh, yeah. That's what we're saying.
- Speaker #4
It's not treasure. What? Honestly, it seems to me that you both made a living off of scavenging equipment from dead adventurers.
- Speaker #5
How dare you, sir? Yeah, how dare you?
- Speaker #4
Okay,
- Speaker #5
fine. There might have been a couple of corpses here and there,
- Speaker #4
but we still had respect for the dead.
- Speaker #5
Like so much respect. And I wouldn't consider ourselves scavengers. It's not like we were looking for,
- Speaker #4
uh,
- Speaker #5
used equipment.
- Speaker #4
Hey, I'm not passing judgment here. All's I'm saying is that you might not have found our real treasure.
- Speaker #5
So what do you mean by real treasure? I mean, that thing over there just looks like a fancy mirror. Yeah, and haven't you heard of the saying, one man's loot is another man's treasure? Whoa, what the-Damn, who are you?
- Speaker #6
Greetings, and welcome to the gold chalice.
- Speaker #5
What kind of spell was that? That was cool.
- Speaker #4
Leds, Joshua here runs this treasure shop.
- Speaker #6
Indeed, I do.
- Speaker #4
When it comes to artifacts from the dungeon, he's probably the top expert in the field.
- Speaker #6
Most flattering, but also very likely to be a true statement rather than a personal bias.
- Speaker #5
Cool,
- Speaker #4
I have a question.
- Speaker #5
What's the deal with that mirror over there?
- Speaker #6
The what?
- Speaker #5
The mirror. Mirror-ar. You know, the glass thingy. Oh,
- Speaker #6
that mirror over there. The full body mirror propped up against the wall. The one made of black metal edged with infernal symbols from the Nine Hells mirror. Uh,
- Speaker #5
that...
- Speaker #6
Mirror which holds within a refracted dimension filled with abominations eager to capture your reflection and drain the life essence from your spirit like a bamboo straw. That mirror?
- Speaker #5
I don't know.
- Speaker #6
You can look at it. All it's capable of is showing you your deepest insecurities. Hardly interesting.
- Speaker #4
Oh yes, the mirror of insecurities. I read about it on a guild board a few weeks ago.
- Speaker #6
Indeed. A sad fact that any two-bit artifact makes it on the board in recent times. But what can you do when the well dries up?
- Speaker #4
Huh. So business is slow then.
- Speaker #6
On the contrary, dear Securitas. Remember our little game? Give me your best estimation.
- Speaker #4
Uh, what? For the mirror? I don't know, let's say 5,000, give or take a grand.
- Speaker #5
Can someone tell me what's happening? Yeah, a little context would be great.
- Speaker #4
Joshua here is asking me to guess how much he sold that stupid mirror for.
- Speaker #5
And you said... 5,000? 5,000 copper.
- Speaker #6
Copper? Gentlemen, I assure you nothing in this shop can be accounted for in copper, nor even in silver.
- Speaker #5
Wait, so what is that? 5,000 gold? Holy fuck.
- Speaker #6
Incorrect. It is not 5,000 gold, give or take, a grand. But instead, the price is currently at 18,427 Thronean gold.
- Speaker #4
Huh, Joshua, look at them. It looks like their heads are going to pop.
- Speaker #6
Indeed it does. I'll tackle us.
- Speaker #4
Go easy on them. They're still young.
- Speaker #6
I will not. Now, what challenge do you bring to my doorstep once again?
- Speaker #5
Wait, wait, wait. You can find stuff like that in the dungeon? Where? Where find treasure?
- Speaker #4
All right. Seems like we broke Scar. Anywho. Lads, I'm going to need you to let the grown-ups talk for a bit. Go look around, but don't touch anything.
- Speaker #5
Okay. Pretty sure we're also grown-ups. But whatever. Come on, Scar. Let's go see what your deepest insecurities are. Mirrors. 18,000.
- Speaker #4
Treasure. Where?
- Speaker #6
Hmm. So, Securitas, it's now my turn to ask you. How's business? Slow?
- Speaker #4
Well, it was rocky for a minute there, but you could say I found myself a nice little pocket. Nothing fancy, but it does pay for comfort.
- Speaker #6
Yes, comfort. The bane of your species. All that drive, all that ambition, only to be waylaid by drink and debauchery.
- Speaker #4
Settle down there. As much as I adore your famous rants, I've come for official, unofficial. Business.
- Speaker #6
Finally some intrigue, my good man. Please, elaborate.
- Speaker #4
My employer is searching for something specific.
- Speaker #6
Yes, a common pattern amongst the wealthy, always seeking to obtain the unobtainable.
- Speaker #4
Well, they do say gold gets you everything.
- Speaker #6
So what is it this time? A magical flute that enraptures the audience? Or a mask that hides the wearer's murderous intentions?
- Speaker #4
Yeah. Nothing quite as simple as that. Hmm.
- Speaker #6
Interesting. I'm listening.
- Speaker #4
I wanted to ask you if you've ever heard of a tavern that is located inside the dungeon.
- Speaker #6
Technically, all taverns in Bastion are considered to be inside the dungeon. But I have a feeling you mean something else.
- Speaker #4
Yes, well, let's say this tavern is located in the lower levels of the dungeon.
- Speaker #6
This seems more like a question to pose in the ale houses and rumor mills. Not my treasure shop.
- Speaker #4
Joshua, I'm being serious here. I have already canvassed potential witnesses, and surprisingly enough, their statements have been more or less consistent with each other.
- Speaker #6
And I am also being serious. Take your urban legends and rumors elsewhere. I have no need for speculation in the abstract. I work with the tangible and quantifiable. You can't sell witness statements, Securitas.
- Speaker #4
I understand, but what you can sell is information and expertise. All I'm looking for is a little of both from you. Ugh.
- Speaker #6
Fine. Only because we have a history together.
- Speaker #4
Thanks. I owe you one.
- Speaker #6
So what have you learned so far?
- Speaker #4
Apparently, there are people who claim to have stumbled across a tavern while braving the dungeons below. Now I've asked each of these witnesses which level of the dungeon they were in at the time. And guess what?
- Speaker #6
Well, I assume it's either the adventurers all set the same level, or the opposite, and the levels were all different and random.
- Speaker #4
Well, good guess, actually. Two guesses, technically, but yes, the witnesses all gave me different locations all over the dungeon. We're talking about traveling hundreds of miles in the matter of days.
- Speaker #6
That could only mean that the tavern... is somehow using the dungeon's own transformation mechanics to possibly traverse the labyrinth exactly and what of the interior of this tavern
- Speaker #4
Witness accounts describe a wooden structure, two stories high. Large dining hall, full kitchen, quality beds, and even hot water baths.
- Speaker #6
Any mention of the staff or residents?
- Speaker #4
Owner goes by the name of Gorim, possibly human or dwarven. There were mixed responses. But there's more. An ogre chef, a silver priest, and a moon elf bard.
- Speaker #6
Sounds like a motley crew.
- Speaker #4
And last but not least, a high elf. Now how's that for intrigue?
- Speaker #6
A high elf. Impossible.
- Speaker #4
Aren't you a High Elf? Why is that impossible?
- Speaker #6
I am Ar-Edil, part of the Quin-Edil Varun, and I can count on my hands the number of our last remaining members.
- Speaker #4
So you're saying there's ten or less High Elves left in all of Throne?
- Speaker #6
In all the world, my good man. Like the exquisite God's Blood gem, we are the rarest of the rare.
- Speaker #4
Okay, so, well, the name of the supposed high elf was Laurelin, if that's helpful.
- Speaker #6
Three days.
- Speaker #4
What?
- Speaker #6
Three days, Securitas. I'll be ready in three days.
- Speaker #4
No offense, Joshua, but I didn't invite you.
- Speaker #6
Old friend, let's skip the posturing and cut straight to the matter at hand. How much did your employer offer me?
- Speaker #4
Up to 2,000.
- Speaker #6
Good. I don't need it, so you keep it. You and your boys are going to need the extra equipment.
- Speaker #4
That's generous of you.
- Speaker #6
No, it's pragmatic. This is not going to be easy.
- Speaker #4
You can say that again. All right, three days it is.
- Speaker #6
One last thing, Securitas. Who's the pocket?
- Speaker #4
I can't say. It's a secret.
- Speaker #6
Such a shame that this so-called secret swims so freely on the surface of your thoughts.
- Speaker #4
Shame.
- Speaker #6
Is this true?
- Speaker #4
It is. It really is.
- Speaker #6
She is a legend. Even to someone like myself, she is respected.
- Speaker #4
Wait until you meet her.
- Speaker #5
Daniel. Dan. Dan. Dan. What? 18,000. Oh, divine blessings. What about... 18,000. 18,000. Is that the only thing you can say? 18,000.
- Speaker #4
And that's our cue. We'll be seeing you soon, Joshua.
- Speaker #6
Oh, I absolutely am already regretting the decision.
- Speaker #4
It'll be fun. Let's roll, lads.
- Speaker #6
Please,
- Speaker #5
treasure. Come on, Scar. Let's get you back to our rooms. Come on!
- Speaker #3
Everyone, gather around. Gorim has an announcement he'd like to make. Wow, that was quick. We were just hanging out here. Right, guys?
- Speaker #1
Yeah, right.
- Speaker #4
I'll agree to anything as long as we hurry this up.
- Speaker #3
Thereon, are they telling the truth?
- Speaker #2
I do not wish to provide you an answer. That is my answer. Oh,
- Speaker #3
what the hell is going on? When did you all unionize?
- Speaker #4
The moment we found out we're going to Bastion.
- Speaker #3
I'm so excited. Finally.
- Speaker #0
Well, the cat's out of the bag, it seems. I'm looking at you, Sylvia.
- Speaker #3
What? Why do you always blame me? Sylvia. Come on, girl. Who the fuck else would it be? One of these days, you're going to eavesdrop on Gorin, who is your father by the way, when it's not appropriate. And trust me, you'll never be the same again.
- Speaker #2
Being too quick to judge is unjust. It could have been myself or Alara even.
- Speaker #4
No one's going to believe that. You're just trying to be tough in front of your new girlfriend.
- Speaker #1
Whoa, okay. First off, we're not going out yet. Second, stop being such a troll, dude.
- Speaker #4
Troll? I'm not a troll.
- Speaker #0
See?
- Speaker #4
Racist. I warned you all.
- Speaker #3
There it goes. Just like clockwork.
- Speaker #1
I'm not a racist.
- Speaker #3
You really shouldn't toss that word around so lightly.
- Speaker #2
I've never met an ogre before. This is all new to her.
- Speaker #0
All right, enough. No one's being a racist here, okay?
- Speaker #3
So, are we going to Bastion or not?
- Speaker #0
Yeah, about that. I have good news and bad news.
- Speaker #4
Bad news first. Always.
- Speaker #1
I like good news first. Brunac,
- Speaker #3
shut up. Sylvia, mind your manners young lady. Go on.
- Speaker #4
One of these days.
- Speaker #3
Stop beating around the bush.
- Speaker #0
Fine. The tavern won't be able to bring us right to the first level. That means some of us will be left here. No. While the others have to venture a level up to Bastion. Huh.
- Speaker #4
Can I volunteer to stay here, then?
- Speaker #0
Way ahead of you, buddy. Brunac, Theron, and... No. Sylvia. No. I need the three of you to stay here while Orlin and I take a lair to Bastion.
- Speaker #3
Fuck you. Hey, Sylvia. Come back here right now, young lady.
- Speaker #6
Eat my ass,
- Speaker #3
you old bitch. What?
- Speaker #0
Hey, Sylvia.
- Speaker #3
I will end you.
- Speaker #2
See that?
- Speaker #4
That girl needs to be taught a lesson.
- Speaker #1
Okay. The drama here is real.
- Speaker #2
This is embarrassing. I'm sorry you had to witness all of this.
- Speaker #3
I'm gonna kill that little shit.
- Speaker #2
Seriously, Alara. I'd like to apologize for the rest of the group.
- Speaker #1
It's fine.
- Speaker #2
Oh,
- Speaker #4
give it a rest thereon. Ugh. Humans and their silly emotions.
- Speaker #1
Hey, leave him alone, you thing.
- Speaker #4
See? She called me a thing.
- Speaker #0
It's just another day. Here at Haven. A tavern in the dungeon. Thanks for visiting Haven, a tavern in the dungeon. Catch us next time on Sunday night, the first week of every month. If you'd like to tip the staff, head over to patreon.com forward slash dungeon dungeon. We hope you enjoyed the show. And remember, all you have to do is open the door. See you inside a tavern in the dungeon.
- Speaker #4
Thank you.
