Transcription

• Speaker #0

  This television show changed our marriage. Oh my goodness, it's absolutely crazy when you find out this one question that took us from blaming to understanding. Find out what it is today, up next. Well, welcome everyone to the Home Haven Podcast. It is a wonderful, wonderful day and we are so excited that you are here with us. Thanks for clicking. Thanks for downloading. They call us the Turners and this is your home for faith-filled content that will help you communicate in your relationships. If you get anything out of our conversation today, before you click off, give us that thumbs up. It would go a long way to help us reach more and more people just like you.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. Subscribe to our channel. Get every episode.

• Speaker #0

  let us know what content you like to hear about let us know what content give us some feedback we love to hear messages from you all so keep it coming there's a lot going on we have our home to haven playlist on our youtube channel this is the podcast but we talk about communication there is our travel with the turners and that is where you get to see us kind of behind the scenes kind of living life as normal people but also communicating as we interact as real people there is playing with me

• Speaker #1

  Plan With Me. Yes. Plan With Me is a new playlist that we've added to our Home to Haven YouTube channel, but that will dive a little bit deeper into the planet part of our Planet Pursue It. And we'll be talking all about how to actively and purposely and practically plan out all of the things we talk about a lot on the podcast and the pursuing part of pursuing your relationship.

• Speaker #0

  If you don't know what she just said, pray it, plan it, and pursue it. Yes. It's our three-part framework. It's what we believe every six, it's what we believe how success happens for every single couple. If you will pray it, then you can plan it. And after you plan it, then you can pursue it.

• Speaker #1

  That's right.

• Speaker #0

  That's how you accomplish things in life. So that's our three-part framework. Very simple for you to remember. Pray, plan, and pursue it. So thank you again for listening. We're going to dive right in. It's going to be a different kind of podcast. I'm going to lead it today a little bit because I was watching a show. Okay. And you may think it's smut. or like oh my gosh what are you what are those people like doing watching that kind of show but which is true which is true very true but keep going it is a little smitty okay um a little smith in there but um i i watch it for because it is real people and even though it's reality television as someone who produced reality television i can tell you yes producers are going to put people in places for drama to happen right we're going to put you in positions to get story.

• Speaker #1

  They want the drama.

• Speaker #0

  We want the drama. drama but at the same time you're going to forget about the cameras and the reactions are real the dialogue is real the people are real the people are real the context might be fake true or highly exaggerated right but i i look at it because you can still see okay and take away That was good communication. That was terrible communication. And so the show that we're talking about is Temptation Island. Now, if you don't watch the smut, then this show is actually, well, couples will go on an island.

• Speaker #1

  Gotcha.

• Speaker #0

  Because they're at a point in their relationship where they're trying to figure out, do we stay together or do we break up? Like, are we good for each other? Okay. So instead of going to counseling, they choose to go on an island.

• Speaker #1

  A reality TV show.

• Speaker #0

  show with lots of other people with lots of other people in their prime okay to see if they can uh not cheat on their spouse okay or work out some other things like gotcha what are the problems with their relationship maybe somebody you know whatever it is so that's the premise of this show which I can understand why people probably not want to watch it because you like tearing up relationships but I would probably say most times you find out they don't want to be together anyway and it's also not promoting wholesome Christian content of one man and one woman but okay for the lack of all that aside I want to take an episode because basically In the grand finale or the final bonfire, basically they go on several parts of the island and the girls over here, the guys over there. Okay. And they don't see one another for however many weeks it is.

• Speaker #1

  But they're tempting each other, right?

• Speaker #0

  They're being tempted or working out their own journey, as they call it.

• Speaker #1

  Got it. Okay.

• Speaker #0

  And so. Once a week or a few times a week, however many times when they film it, they have what's called a bonfire. Okay. Where they see video clips of their significant other on their template.

• Speaker #1

  Doing things, right. Okay.

• Speaker #0

  Most times the dudes are always like.

• Speaker #1

  like in a room somewhere messing up okay and the girls are crying and i think they also highly produce it to make it look like oh yeah for sure things are happening and it might and that's where the produce that's where the producing part

• Speaker #0

  reality comes in with reality because i'm going to provoke like i want i want to see ears yeah i want to see you react let's cut it off right here so you don't see what he said next exactly the first part he was like i really hate it when i i hate this and she thinks he said he hates her and that's not right exactly or out of context right maybe they they um provoking the fire maybe he was sleeping in the bed and some girl came in the room and they cut it off and they don't show the part where he's like, get out. I love my girlfriend.

• Speaker #1

  Exactly.

• Speaker #0

  in israeli tv but um let me get to it because everybody's like get to the point um i want to play a clip because it's the final bonfire okay and the whole point of this is communication right the whole point is how do we talk to one another how do we get here what did we learn because i do learn some things and so there is a final bonfire and this couple was very toxic okay and i see this a lot where the woman is very educated she is established in her career she might be making more money than the guy is and so you know she's got some things going on for herself and she's trying to push or she's trying to quote unquote encourage her spouse to get a job or to do something else and it's very important to see how we how we communicate that like are what you may think is encouraging might not be encouraging to me. right okay putting me down and then i want to play kind of what happens before and then what happens after the council kind of steps in okay we got it we got the premise and so now we're gonna hear a clip We're going to hear a clip. Okay. We're going to hear a clip. I'm going to put my headphones in. For those of you who are listening, you probably can't see all this, but we're going to put our headphones in so I can play this clip and we can hear it. And then I'll pause it and we'll come back in.

• Speaker #2

  Sorry, you're not taking it that way, but I think that's a you problem, not a me problem. I'm sorry that I was too abrasive. I may have been too assertive, whatever it may be. I'm not saying that. I was trying my f***ing hardest. You have not had a job in almost a year. I

• Speaker #3

  year tyler so let's get this job thing out of the way okay i have never shown that i am lacking or in a bad position and i've tried to shift my focus and pick myself up as you said i should as a man but i am seeing now that you think that i am the problem i am worried about you but i don't want i want you to trust me that i can see it through and i know that you think that's getting in the way but to me that's what i want to pursue and i am taking risks right now and you're in a situation where you don't want to take a risk on me. And that is what I saw.

• Speaker #2

  I have taken such a risk this entire time. I said, Tyler, what will put my mind at ease is just an action plan. Let's make a three, five year. I need a plan and I will shut them. Did you ever come to me with a plan?

• Speaker #0

  I'll pause it right there for a quick, and then we'll come back to one more thing. Just quickly comment on what you've heard so far.

• Speaker #1

  Well, one thing that I noticed. Is like, they're actually not raising their voices at each other. They are speaking back and forth. Each person is saying, you know, you did this, or I haven't seen you do this, or you want this and I'm not there. Right. So they're both trying to communicate their side of the story because they believe the other person isn't seeing what they. are seeing or experienced in the relationship.

• Speaker #0

  And then part of this is because they are not allowed to interrupt.

• Speaker #1

  Okay.

• Speaker #0

  Which they're still doing a pretty good job of not interrupting.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, they're doing a decent job.

• Speaker #0

  Okay. What's going to happen now is they're going to get interrupted. And then he's going to say, hey, you guys have been talking about, you're doing this, you're not doing this. You should do this and you shouldn't do this. I don't want to do this. He says, hey, why don't we stop for a moment? Let's pause. And why don't we try saying, I feel this way when this happens. Let's try that. And then here's what happens.

• Speaker #2

  Would you like to go first?

• Speaker #3

  Sure. I feel. very undervalued and I do feel pushed because of your agendas where you want to go in life and how you want safety and security because of what you've been through. So I feel, especially after my divorce and what happened there, that was a big hit on my ego and feeling undervalued. I'm just not enough. So when you give me that encouragement, makes me feel honestly i think it goes to a core emotion very sad i love the love for you wanting to push me but that is not the direction i want to be pushed in and so it just makes me feel essentially worthless for what you need

• Speaker #2

  I feel unsafe and unstable, and you hit the nail on the head saying that this is from my past. A lot of the times where I do try to encourage you, it reflects on me negative because I do things for survival. And I wish I could get out of the fight or flight. It makes me feel sad that I can't get out of it. But I feel like through this experience, I've been able to get out of it. And it just, I just feel kind of like hopeless with you because I feel like I try to do so much and figure out the way to say things and move and stuff like that. And it's just not well received. And it makes you feel the way that you're feeling. And I never want to make you feel worthless. And it just makes me feel so gutted because you are my home. You are my safe place from the entire world. And I just want that with you so bad, Tyler. That's why this experience is really gutting. And to see you falling in love with someone else when all along I just wanted you to fall in love with me.

• Speaker #0

  All right. Reactions? What do we think?

• Speaker #1

  So it obviously helped them a lot to have that prompt of, okay, let's stop saying what you see. Right. And let's start explaining how you feel.

• Speaker #0

  And I think. Completely a different conversation. Like it just changed.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  And they were nodding and emotion came out. Yes. Both of them got teary eyed.

• Speaker #1

  Right. I feel like, I feel, I feel like that prompt of let's talk to your partner about how you feel, like took it from just the surface level. level of right actions or reactions and it took it to like okay let's go beneath the surface let's get deeper and actually get to the heart of things because those reactions or those actions are stemming from something stemming from and they they say it as their emotions or how they feel but it really is the underlying issue or what's really the problem in

• Speaker #0

  their relationship what's not working yeah so you know what was kind of what was the core of the issue is that Okay, he's being pushed away and he's running away because he's feeling worthless.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  And he's feeling worthless because she's saying you need to do this. And it's emasculating him. Right. She's feeling unsafe and insecure because he's not providing X, Y, Z for her. And it's based upon things that she's felt in her past. Right. Again, past experiences. Right. And so those are things that 100% affect relationships and hinder our communication.

• Speaker #1

  Right. And I think it was important because she was trying to fix a problem. Right. But. They never talked about why the problem was there or how it was hurting their relationship because Of like they said, their feelings, but really the underlying issue of what was going on. She wasn't feeling safe. She wasn't feeling secure. So she was taking this step, which she thought would help solve the problem. But for him, it caused negative feelings because his underlying issue was he didn't, you know, his pride was hurting. Like his ego was shattered because of his past as well. He mentioned they both had past things that they were bringing into the relationship. But their actions may be because they didn't have a heart to heart talk of, hey, we're on the same team. What do we actually need as a couple versus what I see as a problem? And I'm going to try to fix it my way. What I see is a problem. I'm trying to fix it my way. And so they're not coming together and really getting to the root. of the issue that they have.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, the line that really gutted me was, you know, all this time I watched you fall in love with somebody else and I'm willing to fall in love with me. Yeah. And I was like, what a powerful line because their relationship now has gone beyond repair. And had they... they had this conversation before of this is making me feel this way. When this happens, I feel this versus you, you, you, then maybe that relationship could have been salvaged. You never know. Yeah. But, um, it's very, very powerful. So the language that we use, the words that we say definitely have weight with our partners. And so it's important that we don't just. throw things away that we really dig deeper. Right. And we are vulnerable and we express, Hey, when this happens or when this is said, when I hear this, when I see this, this affects me X, Y, Z way and really bring them into our world to have them understand like, Hey. this has an effect on me in a negative way.

• Speaker #1

  And I think that's so eye-opening for the other person. You've actually put this into practice like in our relationship. So you'll say, I felt blank when this happened or when you did this. And it's always, they have the same reaction as I never meant or wanted you to feel this way. Like in their example, she was like, I never wanted you to feel worthless or undeserving. And I know I've said like, I would never want you to feel. disrespected or not respected so it's not coming from like ill intent in these situations like the person isn't maliciously trying to hurt the relationship but when that that conversation isn't had between the people like it's it's not known and so it's not coming to light in order to actually get to that real issue of the problem to try to solve it yeah like you said it's something I had to believe like I have to believe like okay she

• Speaker #0

  Jennifer is not trying to, with intent, disrespect me. I have to believe that, okay, she does love me. 99% of the time she is respecting me. So in these one-off situations, it's most of the time a breakdown of communication or a miscommunication, a misfire. So let's come together, let's talk about it, let's work it out because I know, I have received that. for 10 years it wasn't always this way but i received now okay she does love me with sincerity um so let's kind of pivot in in the in the kind of the sales world they have this thing called we're talking about feelings like you know feel felt found okay so uh you would say like um to an objection objection is basically literally a unanswered question okay but let's say you didn't like coffee which you don't like coffee correct so i would say you know jen i completely understand how you feel uh in fact what i First I drink coffee, I felt the same way. But what I found is that the jolt I get in the morning far outweighs the smell or the bitter taste. And so I can get over it. Okay. So it's just a way that I could to. get on the same level of the same page with your prospect of the, and I'm not trying to say make your spouse, your, your sales. Right. But the point is that when you have objections or when there's things in your marriage or things in your relationship where you're not seeing eye to eye, the goal is to get on the same page. The goal is to create that rapport to say, okay, am I hearing this correctly? did i get that right and that's something that i learned and some training of that rapport isn't hey how you doing today you know i like the bears too but rapport is saying oh okay so you want this okay did i hit that right i even want it at this time okay great i got that right it's making sure that we're on the same page right and it really comes down to not just communicating

• Speaker #1

  logistics or things it's actually listening and trying to communicate to understand the other person which we say a lot of the times are you listening to understand or are you listening to have your response correct and i think what i want you guys to take away from this conversation if you're watching or if you're listening is

• Speaker #0

  that Number one, what helped was that they were not shouting.

• Speaker #1

  100%.

• Speaker #0

  And even though they weren't shouting, they still wasn't getting anywhere at first.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  So how much worse would the conversation have been if voices were raised? know elevated and was getting hot and heated right and so that makes it even worse i want you to take away that i need to listen i need to gain understanding i need to try to understand why am i why this person is

• Speaker #1

  saying this why they're acting this particular way where this is coming from and really get to the root and be vulnerable that and then be patient to listen to what they have to say right i noticed the whole time it was respectful communication even if they were hearing things that they didn't like yeah they were still calm yeah they weren't getting you know frustrated yeah but at least they didn't show too much outwardly. Right. So, and they allowed each other to speak. I know you mentioned that they coached them on, let's not interrupt the other person. Let's let them have their, their time to talk and then respond. So it was very back and forth, very calm. And like you said, they weren't getting, you know, too far in the beginning, but when they added that additional element in. They really started to get somewhere. Even if they may not be able to make it work. Right. They were understanding.

• Speaker #0

  They were understanding. Why it wasn't working. Why it wasn't working. Yeah. Oh, okay. Right. You know, these are some things I was responding this way because I hadn't worked that out in my past. Right. That's my fault. Right. I also want to give you this. We want to give you this of how to have success. One of the ways you can have success in understanding is, okay, what would it take for this to change? Okay. Kind of going back to the sales world. Yeah. Let's say you're looking for a car or a house. And you may say, oh, this costs. too much. Probably something you would say.

• Speaker #1

  Yep. I don't want to pay that much.

• Speaker #0

  Or I don't like it. Okay, well what don't you like? Is it the color? Is it the price? Yeah, ah there it is. Okay, it's price. So the objection is just basically unanswered question again okay so uh well do you see the value in this yeah okay well she does see the value okay well great so you see the value and this is an enhanced your life great so what would need to change then the price that's how i actually really did my car i know but anyway i know yeah so if somehow the price changed you would buy the car today correct absolutely okay and then it would be you know what's that number anyway um So we go back and forth. So it's like, what needs to change in order for you to trust me again? What needs to change in order for us, you to feel loved? What needs to change in order for you to feel respected? What needs to change in order for us to accomplish this? That's a question you need to ask one another. to get progress in your relationship?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, that's such a powerful question, right? To ask your partner what needs to change. And then in this case, they're dating. So they're still determining if they want to marry each other. So what needs to change may not be something they're willing to change. If you're already married to somebody and they're saying, you know, this needs to change in order for such and such to happen, that's something you really need to look at because... You're in a covenant relationship with that person. And prayerfully, you know, God is in the center of that. And you can bring it to him and allow him to work that out between you two as well.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, that answer requires humility. It requires a death to self. Paul talks about how, you know, every day I got a decrease in the Holy Spirit increase. And so, again, you may not like that answer of what needs to change in order for. this to happen but really taking that in laying that person speak laying them tell you late on the line like hey i i need you to listen i need you to um i need you to put a password on your phone or i need this person to be cut off or i need this app to be deleted whatever it is you know talk about that those things and get through it so that on the other side you have the results you want.

• Speaker #1

  Because you may not like what they're telling you. You may not like to hear that, but that's so crucial for you to know, because without knowing that you're never going to get over that conflict or you're never going to push beyond that. So you may not like to hear it, but it's something you need to hear.

• Speaker #0

  100% so thank you guys for kind of walking through that with us today and it was a little bit of a weird kind of a podcast but it was a good one I hope yeah let us know if you if you what you thought about if you hated it like don't do that again Terrell or if you got something from the uh from the uh So put the comments below. Let us know. You know, what are some things you think are fundamental or like, hey, this needs to happen in order for this to happen? Let us know that. You can always email us, hi at oklancompany.com. And we would greatly, greatly appreciate those particular things. So, again, remember that you have your podcast, not your podcast, but your playlist. Playlist. Playing with me.

• Speaker #1

  On YouTube. Check it out. Give me some likes. Let me know what you like. It's brand new. So I'm trying some different. content out but it will be all about planning it out which will lead to our planner coming out soon we have a planner coming out soon a bit release yeah but we're coming soon the official announcement will be coming up in a few more weeks uh by

• Speaker #0

  the time this episode airs hopefully we would have crossed 500 subscribers so give that uh deal a thumbs up and a subscribe as we make a push towards a thousand. That's the goal. For the end of the year.

• Speaker #1

  And share it with friends that you know could benefit from it. Absolutely. Spread the word. Help us out. Make that push for a thousand.

• Speaker #0

  100%. Thank you for every person who's here who's been with us from day one. Those of you who are new to the community, welcome. We are so excited and so thankful that you are here. And we are excited about this amazing, amazing journey. Thank you again for listening. We will see you next week. And remember, wisdom.