- Speaker #0
You said, I'm sorry, and they said, okay, but there's still something that's unresolved, something that's hidden beneath the surface. There's hurt that still lingers. Why is it? Well, today we're going to dive all into the often misunderstood art of apologizing in your marriage. Simply uttering the words isn't enough. There's something you need to do to get past the apology and the hurt. Let's figure out what it is coming up right now. Well, welcome, welcome, welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. This is another great episode with a beautiful day in the neighborhood. And we are the Turners. This is your home. Yes, it is a faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So thanks so much for tuning in, for downloading. If you get anything out of today's episode, smash the bell, thumbs up, rate. and review it helps us it helps us reach more people who could benefit from this content that's free this free amazing content yeah give us a like give us a subscribe let us know what you like to hear about we love it when you comment on the videos as well love comments we do read them so thank you for those who comment so comment email hiokavencompany.com if you don't want your comment posted for all the world to see okay anonymous could be anonymous or what would yes you Could be anonymous email. But yes, if you have a comment or a thought or a question, you can always email us and we'd love to hear the email respond.
- Speaker #1
That's right. We love to hear from you all.
- Speaker #0
We do love it. It's hot.
- Speaker #1
It is very hot. 100 degrees hot.
- Speaker #0
Let us know where you're watching and you're part of the country or you're part of the world and what temperature it is. Because I've heard like Texas heat is different than Carolina heat.
- Speaker #1
That's what they say.
- Speaker #0
That's what they say. But I'm ready to argue that.
- Speaker #1
I haven't been to Texas yet, but it's pretty humid here. And, you know, the heat index is definitely over 100 for a few days lately. So, you know, trying to stay cool.
- Speaker #0
We don't like the summer.
- Speaker #1
I was going to say, we're not really summer people.
- Speaker #0
So it turns out Allie is not a summer girl.
- Speaker #1
She's not. Why do you say that?
- Speaker #0
Like summer? Cause I asked her, she's in the car.
- Speaker #1
Okay. What'd she say?
- Speaker #0
And she's like, why do you like summer? And she's like.
- Speaker #1
well we don't go to school go to the pool right you're on trips like oh you just like what we do the activities yeah i don't like the heat yeah no okay yeah which is a reason to like summer i mean i actually do like sure summer schedule
- Speaker #0
yes so yeah i don't like it when it's dark at 6 15. yeah i just don't like the heat right but and that was communication so that was me finding out more My daughter by asking some more questions and digging deeper, which is something we try to encourage is to dig deeper, actually find out more about the people that you interact with.
- Speaker #1
I love it. I love it. So sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Doesn't fix it.
- Speaker #0
How did you like that? Sorry.
- Speaker #1
Sorry. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
No, sorry. Does not cut it. Okay. We're talking more about, you know, apologizing and saying sorry. And I feel like at least From the people that I've interacted with and had to coach and counsel is that a lot of times for the women, sorry is just not good enough. They want to see action from their men and they want to see, you know, see him actually do something instead of just saying sorry. If he even said sorry at all.
- Speaker #1
Yes, it's not enough to just say the words. You have to actually put action to it.
- Speaker #0
Right. It's more than just saying sorry. It's actually now. moving past that and actually demonstrating, you know, behavior that reflects integrity, accountability, whether it is, you know, you said something that wasn't right. You use a tone that wasn't correct. You use some words that were hurtful, whether you forgot something, whether you dropped the ball in some area, just saying, I'm sorry. We need more from that. We have to develop. a relationship and the development. Think about developing a community or developing, you know, real estate or a business. Yeah. It takes planning. It takes architecture. It takes permits. It takes so many pieces and people coming together to put something, you know, to make something. Yeah. And so developing in a relationship is not an overnight thing. I think I was, I was speaking yesterday and I was talking about how, one The scripture says that we should renew our minds in the word of God, Romans 12 and 2, and then Ephesians 4 and 23. It's an overnight process. Like you don't go like, I'm done. I've renewed my mind. Yay. But it is a continual process every day, all throughout the day of like flushing out what the world is giving us and aligning ourselves with God's heart.
- Speaker #1
Amen. But do you also think that hearing those words are important in certain situations or all situations?
- Speaker #0
Yeah, no, for sure. you should express, you know, remorse or. Hey, you know what? Accountability. I dropped the ball in the area. I was wrong for that. You know, you're right. That was not good of me. So, yes, that's taking accountability. It's not coming up with excuses, casting blame. We don't want to do those things. It's not my fault that that happened. You know, if I say something, you're like, well, that hurt me. Well, you know, you shouldn't have said it or you shouldn't have. You made me feel this way. That's why I said, you know, no, don't blame you for my behavior. Okay. Right. For my error. It's your fault. Yes. No, we don't want to do that.
- Speaker #1
So you're kind of going ahead. Some of my notes. I am. You are. Okay. So you're right on target, but I did want to bring up a few more superficial apologies that we see people use. in their relationship a lot and you can kind of give your feedback on each of these. So people might just apologize to end the fight or end the disagreement. So, okay, fine. I'm sorry. Can we just drop it now? Can we move on? You know, you might hear that from your partner. You might give that to your partner. The main problem with that is that it's locking and really sincerity, right? Like you're not really actually sorry. You just want to move on or pass the conflict. You're not actually addressing the reason, right?
- Speaker #0
Or maybe you do mean it. You're just, you're trying to just end the conversation and we're not really dealing with the issues. Right. As we always say, unresolved issues that are buried alive, they never die. They will come back up and they're going to resurface.
- Speaker #1
That's right. And then the other one. is the blame shifting, which you already mentioned, when you might say, well, I'm sorry you felt that way, or I'm sorry if I offended you, but you're not taking any responsibility for the actual action that you had. And so you're just kind of shifting the blame, like you said before, and avoiding taking that personal responsibility. So how would you feel if I was like, well, I'm sorry you feel that way? Because in my mind, I'm actually maybe not even vocalizing it, but I'm thinking, but I know I'm not wrong.
- Speaker #0
Right. You're right.
- Speaker #1
Right. So, like, in my mind, and I think I have said that to you before. Maybe not. Maybe you don't remember.
- Speaker #0
You probably have. You probably said something smart, snark comment.
- Speaker #1
Like, I'm sorry you felt that way. Because in my mind, I probably don't think that I was wrong. Yeah. Right? Sure. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Sorry you feel that way, but I'm, you know, I said. I'm right. I said. Yeah. Um, so I would encourage you to then again, not respond back with fire. Okay. You know, so make sure that you have your emotions in check or you're, you're pausing, you're breathing, you're thinking before you speak. Uh, we want our words to be seasoned with grace that the scripture says, but if you were to say, well, I'm, I'm sorry you feel that way. Then I would, I would probably say, well, can you see why? Can you understand why I would feel that way and kind of take it deeper? Yeah. What, what would bring me to that point? Right. And if you're like, I don't know, you know, still not taking accountability. I will say, well, let me walk you through it. Okay. The reason why I feel this certain way is because when this was said,
- Speaker #1
that hurt. Right. Right. Right. So you're getting to the deeper part of the conflict. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
And maybe it means you expose some things that are a little bit vulnerable. You know, it hurt when you said this because when I was a child, people used to teach me about X, Y, Z or whatever it is. So even if it doesn't have to go that deep, but maybe you do to kind of open yourself and become more transparent and more vulnerable. Or maybe it's just like, hey, you know, when this happened, like that really, that did something to me. And so can you understand that? Does that make sense? Can you see that from my point of view? Does that align? Does that, you know? And if they're still like, nah, let's try it again. Okay. Let's take three. Okay. Push past the stubbornness,
- Speaker #1
right? Yeah,
- Speaker #0
push past that stubbornness and that, because all that's an act. they've got some things they're trying to cover up and protect themselves. Right.
- Speaker #1
Okay. I can see that.
- Speaker #0
Yeah.
- Speaker #1
The other main one.
- Speaker #0
What are you trying to protect?
- Speaker #1
I just thought I probably have that thought in my head of like, I didn't initially say I'm sorry because I didn't think I was wrong or I didn't. That's happened. Right. Like I didn't think I did anything wrong. Right.
- Speaker #0
So can you see now how you are wrong?
- Speaker #1
Yeah, I can totally see it now and how even those words can affect the relationship and that, again, it's a pride or a maturity issue in realizing what your actions are showing.
- Speaker #0
And if they are still like not getting it or just really kind of stuck in their ways, then at that point, man, we need to pause. And that becomes an issue that we put for prayer. and we write that down in our planner and we say, hey. You know, this is going to be a place where I pray for my spouse.
- Speaker #1
Yeah,
- Speaker #0
for sure. Because we don't want to continue to beat a dead horse. Right.
- Speaker #1
100%. And the other main one is the conditional apology. So we'll all say sorry or I'll apologize for my piece of this if you are going to apologize for your piece of this. So if you're in a conflict, disagreement about something. Yeah. You may not be willing to apologize unless your spouse is willing to apologize for their peace. So you're making your apology like contingent on your spouse's, you know, apology as well.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. Let me just say this, that this takes a level. We've talked about, we've heard this word probably four times now, maturity. And it's not always easy. It's not easy on the flesh. But we've talked about how God's love is unconditional, right? So it's not conditioned upon your part. Cuddle out. God holds me responsible for what I do. Amen. And so part of that spiritual maturity, that emotional maturity is saying, okay, even if I am right and I, you know, I, I haven't done anything specifically wrong. I'm going to apologize. Okay. Or I'm going to own this and extend the branch and extend because. I don't want blessings blocked in my life. I want when God looks at me saying, you know what? Well done. Yeah. And so the fool revels in their folly. And so I'm not calling you a fool or your partner or your spouse a fool, but I'm not going to let pride get in the way of our relationship. So if it means that I say, you know what? Okay. Or my fault. I'm going to do that because I want harmony. I want unity. And in the background. I've got you lifted up and, you know, father, I thank you that this part of their character, you're going to, you're going to reveal or expose part of them that becomes better. That becomes healed. That part of them, you close up.
- Speaker #1
I love it. I love it. So let's go a little bit deeper into actually apologies that are healing. And you've touched on a lot of these already, but really putting that. remorse first. So you're actually going to express that you have remorse and that you have empathy first.
- Speaker #0
So I think the key is you want to communicate more than we don't want to blame. You did this and you said that, and you know, that's what I'm saying. We don't want to have those kinds of words. I want to express, listen, a part of me was damaged when this happened. And I think that makes a complete difference. When your spouse hears I was damaged in this area. Yeah. You know, that's a whole different way of communicating. You know, this really did something to my heart. We were, like I was watching something and there was a couple. And so he had done some things that were, you know, he had stepped outside of the relationship, you know, some major things. He had done some major things. And when they were trying to talk through it, it was a lot of blame going back and forth. And you and you, you know, and you didn't heal. And, you know, you never respected me. You never loved me. And, you know, you never saw me as a real person, as a real man. It was kind of going back and forth. And it was like, hey, pause, stop. Tell her how you feel. Tell him how that made you feel. And it was a completely different conversation. And they were like, oh, aha, okay. Yeah. I never meant for you to feel that way. I cared about you, right? So expressing that is a completely different way than pointing fingers and throwing missiles at one another.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, and in that situation, you are really understanding. We talk about that a lot. You're communicating for the sake of understanding the other person. So you're learning. About what they were experienced about what they were feeling. And it's not again, just all about you and what you feel. And if you feel like you did something wrong.
- Speaker #0
It's not all about me. It's not about.
- Speaker #1
Especially in a marriage.
- Speaker #0
Correct.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. So really expressing the genuine remorse first. So, you know, I realized that when I didn't call, when I was going to be late and made you worry and it feel like I don't respect your time.
- Speaker #0
So I... Right. So the response shouldn't be. Now, what if there is a response of I didn't get a text from you, I didn't call from you. And then I'm like, oops, you know, what do you need to know where I am for? Or, you know, I was busy or whatever that is.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
How do you how would you respond to that?
- Speaker #1
Again, coming back with well,
- Speaker #0
It won't be perfect.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, no, it's not going to be like a perfect conversation.
- Speaker #0
Those turners are always giving me this perfect scenario.
- Speaker #1
Again, coming back with, you know, it made me worry about where you were. I'm not sure if you're okay or what's going on. And it helps me to know that you're safe and where you're at. You don't have to worry about me.
- Speaker #0
What you worry about me for?
- Speaker #1
Because I love you. You're my husband.
- Speaker #0
And now.
- Speaker #1
would be what you would say yeah i'm being real what would you say that what if you're not if you're being like if you didn't if you didn't text me well in that situation if i was like i love you you're my husband i would like to know where you are i
- Speaker #0
don't know what what the i have to really Kind of dig on that because I don't come from a damaged place.
- Speaker #1
Okay.
- Speaker #0
But, you know, because at that point, if someone responds outside of something, then there's something going on. You tell that they've got some stuff that we need to address in counseling.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, for sure.
- Speaker #0
Right. You know, and I would just use, it's all about tone. So at that point, maybe it's a direct dart. Why is it that? You can't let me know you're okay. Not where you're at. You know, we don't have to go down that road. Okay. Like you told me, why can't you let me know that you're okay? And just see where that sits.
- Speaker #1
See what they say back. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Okay. It's a way to start getting to the root of some things and exposing some things without being. accusatory, is that how you pronounce it?
- Speaker #1
Sure.
- Speaker #0
All right, what's up? We're on time.
- Speaker #1
Yes. And then when you're the one apologizing, right, you want to also take full responsibility without excuses. You talked about this too. So, you know, I was wrong for raising my voice and speaking to you disrespectfully. So you're taking accountability for what you did and then you offer restitution back to them to make amends. So, you know, um, You want to make amends for any hurt that was caused. So you want to show sincerity and a desire to actually repair the damage that you know might have been caused.
- Speaker #0
An apology is not you buying her something and not saying sorry. Okay. Like showing up with flowers or a purse or whatever. Yeah. Here you go. Okay.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. Be like, where are the words? Where are the words? Yeah.
- Speaker #0
You know, oh, she knows I'm, you know, she knows I love her or whatever. Even I love you. No, say the word. Say I apologize.
- Speaker #1
Because she may know, but she wants to hear it again.
- Speaker #0
We need to hear it.
- Speaker #1
We need to hear it again.
- Speaker #0
You need to say it. Yes.
- Speaker #1
Right? Yes. So, yes. So, you know, I know I broke your trust with our finances. I'm willing to sit down and look through our, you know, checking account together or whatever you're going to offer to them to help make those amends. And then you can ask specifically for their forgiveness. I don't know.
- Speaker #0
Wonderful is it to be to say, you know what? I know we agreed to not spend X, Y, Z. I ended up getting X, Y, Z myself. That was very selfish of me and wrong. And I'm going to work on, you know, getting better at that. I apologize. I know I let you down. My goodness. What can you say back to that?
- Speaker #1
I know, right?
- Speaker #0
What does that do to your relationship? What does that do to your trust? When you take full responsibility and accountability, we have to lower our pride. We have to lower our defenses with her for life. And maybe we don't really mean that. because in the back of our minds we're like well they're still out because we keep seeing from the world yeah you know outs or love is blind or married at first sight you know eight weeks and i'm out you know no my vows mean something yeah i do 100 i have no intention no matter what, of getting out. So I, for that reason, what about this? Nope, nope, nope. Because we're going to sow, we're going to fertilize so that we don't get to those places. We're going to create a haven. We're going to create and protect our relationship so that we don't allow outside influence or temptations to take us somewhere else. We're going to remain in character and integrity. And how do we do that? We're doing that by daily communicating with our Heavenly Father. but also with one another. And when I hurt or I say something, cause I'm not perfect, but when I dropped the ball, I'm going to own it. I don't have any pride because this is my person. You are the person that I'm going to be with. So therefore I owe it all. I'm going to lay it all down. I was wrong. That was not, that was not acceptable. And I apologize. And I need to get better at that. Pray with me. And I'm working. Here are some things. Here's a plant, whatever it is. Or if you don't have it that far, can you help me with this? or I'm going to seek help that day. get this area corrected.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, for sure.
- Speaker #0
He or she, your spouse or your children or your, or your pastor, whoever it is, you offended, they know, okay, that person's real and they, they are, they're, they're good stuff.
- Speaker #1
That's right. And you're setting the foundation. Like you just laid out, like you're setting the foundation of we're, we're a couple, we're together, we're in this together. You know, I want to acknowledge, like, you're really good at that. You're really good at like owning up, like, Hey, I apologize. I messed So. you know, leading by example as well. You've done a great job with, you know, showing me how those apology conversations can go.
- Speaker #0
We don't, I'm sorry, but we want, that also doesn't mean being habit, like, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, no.
- Speaker #0
That's kind of like the boy who cried wolf.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
So at some point we got, and that's what I was saying, we got to see some corrective behavior.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. And you're not apologizing to me all the time for messing up, you know,
- Speaker #0
or the dishes in the sink. I'm sorry. I know. That's probably one that gets said more than often.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. Trying. Yeah. But like, I mean, the real like actual like sit down conversations, you know, I apologize. And so like just leading that, you know, way in that conversation is going to be, you know, an amazing thing for your relationship.
- Speaker #0
Absolutely. That makes sense to you guys. And I love, we'd love to hear some feedback on, did you agree with some things? Did you disagree? Yeah. what do you need to hear for an apology what are some things you need to get better at apologizing put in the comments chat it up let us know and uh we would greatly greatly appreciate if you got anything from the episode today make sure you smash the thumbs up subscribe subscribe
- Speaker #1
and then you're messing me up you always say smash the like button right okay go ahead or rate and review the podcast what do you want to say go ahead you know hit the like button subscribe comment no it's it's just funny to me so okay let us know what you like what you um maybe disagree with i like that as well get the conversation started and we'd love to hear from you on our topics as well for the podcast 100 there is a resource for you it's called our five connection points
- Speaker #0
It's a way to help you get those connection points through your busy day as a couple. You know, you're like, well, Terrell, we don't have time for all this. Well, this five minutes a day will help you create and sustain connection with your spouse. So that's a free resource. It's a free download of PDF. It's beautiful that you can get. You don't have it already. We put it in the show notes and it will help you walk you through just some areas you can connect. That's right.
- Speaker #1
Five minutes a day. It's a quick downloadable resource. You can get it today and start implementing. It also comes with a free habit tracker for those connection points, which is one of my favorite parts. And you can get started on that and just making sure that it's not just something you're thinking about, but it's actually things that you're doing for your relationship to connect with your spouse.
- Speaker #0
Listen, we are here for you. We are cheering you on. You can have a life-giving, life-breathing relationship that is fulfilling. for you and your partner. So hold on to that, the promise, and we are here to support you every single step of the way. Thank you so much for watching. Thanks for listening. We are praying for each and every day. We'll see you next week. Remember, as always, wisdom builds the house. God bless.
