109 | Why You&#x27;re Not Being Heard: Critical Communication Mistakes to Avoid

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever felt like you're talking to a brick wall in your relationship? You pour out your heart, you share your concerns, but it feels like your words are just bouncing off like rubber? Yes, yes. Well, today we're tackling that frustrating experience and uncovering the critical communication mistakes that often lead to feeling unheard. And by the end of this video, this podcast, You'll know the four ways. four mistakes that are being made that cause your spouse to feel unheard. Let's get into it right now. Well, welcome to the home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for clicking on that thumbnail and for watching the video. If you're watching or listening on. all of the podcast platforms across the land. iHeart, Spotify, Podcast, Stitcher, all of them. Thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. If you're new to the community, we are the Turners.
Speaker #1
We are.
Speaker #0
This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate, get to talking it out in your relationships. And if you get anything at all from this episode, Before you click off, give it a thumbs up.
Speaker #1
Give us a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. Let us know what you like. Keep it coming. Keep those comments coming.
Speaker #0
What's going on with you tonight?
Speaker #1
Just going with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You got some energy?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm not too tired. I was earlier. Yeah,
Speaker #0
you were.
Speaker #1
You made a really good dinner and I was super full. Oh,
Speaker #0
I made a good dinner?
Speaker #1
You made a good dinner. I was super full.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Probably could have went to bed. But we're podcasting tonight.
Speaker #0
So does that mean that it was a good meal or we ate the wrong food because it made you sleepy?
Speaker #1
I thought it was pretty good. I ate a lot. You gave me a lot, and I couldn't even eat the amount you gave me, but I was trying. I was trying to eat them out because I wanted to show my gratitude.
Speaker #0
Okay. I would love to know if someone has any tips for getting children to try new food. That would be amazing. Please drop those in the comments. Anything you've seen work because I'm at a loss. We had hoagies tonight, steak hoagies. I mean, it wasn't nasty. It was really good. And the kids just couldn't try it.
Speaker #1
Well, Adley doesn't really like meat in general. Like I really have to push her to eat meat.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And which is bad too, because she's not eating veggies either. So I have to tell her you just have to eat it. You know, you have to give your body nutrients so you can't live on gum and, you know.
Speaker #0
Ice cream.
Speaker #1
Right. And ice. Ice, chocolate.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Whatever sugar she wants at the time.
Speaker #0
Sugar.
Speaker #1
But yes. So we're working on that. Jane usually eats.
Speaker #0
He'll try it. He'll at least try it.
Speaker #1
Eats meat at least. He's pretty a good meat eater. But, you know, I was super picky as a kid.
Speaker #0
I was picky as well.
Speaker #1
I'm still picky.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I've kind of grown out of it. Well, I just learned to just stick with what you know.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Because I've had enough experimenting at restaurants. And I think our last experiment, which if you want to watch that on our playlist, it's called Indaco. We go to, oh, I called the restaurant's name out.
Speaker #1
Uh-oh.
Speaker #0
Oh, well.
Speaker #1
Rewind. Don't make the connection.
Speaker #0
But it's our date night in South End.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
I'll put the video at the end.
Speaker #1
I almost forgot about that one.
Speaker #0
When our end screen comes up. and i'll also put in the show notes but we go to that restaurant because you said the name yeah you said the name trendy place in south end and it just was not our it just wasn't ours you know it could be yours it's a lot of great ambiance great decor great server i'm sure the chef did his thing our taste buds was like it's not for us it's okay you're right everyone's pizza doesn't need you know refine, reduce. So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker #1
Let's go. So today we are talking about communication mistakes that you may be making or your partner may be making that is hurting you being feeling like you are being heard in your communication.
Speaker #0
How many of you out there are like, you know what? I don't feel heard. It's one of the number one things I hear. When I'm counseling, people are talking with couples. She's not listening or I don't feel she's not hearing me.
Speaker #1
Yes. I don't feel heard. I don't feel seen. And so this is a big issue that we see a lot. And so we are going to address it today so that you can change it in your relationship.
Speaker #0
And just because you're talking doesn't mean that you are saying something.
Speaker #1
Correct. Correct.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Yes. And the same goes for simply talking or vocalizing your thoughts doesn't mean that your partner. is receiving your words or understanding what you're saying right so you're not being heard just because you're speaking no uh and again if you're new to the podcast we we take a a
Speaker #0
biblical foundation we take a biblical worldview and we try to sift the noise of what the world says and we say hey what does god's word say and we try to apply that to our lives because we believe That's where ultimate success comes. If you look at you with our t-shirts, we got some swag on that. If you plan it, sorry, if you pray it, then plan it. You can then pursue it. That's right. And that's where ultimate success is in our lives.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we're going to move on to. Yes.
Speaker #0
So Proverbs 17, 28, before you cut me off, but Proverbs 17, 28 says, even fools are thought wise if they keep silent. And discerning if they hold their tongues. In other words, hey, even a fool can, like, hold, be quiet at some times. It's because you're not, because you're saying something doesn't mean you're saying something of value. It's because you're being quiet doesn't mean you're being important or doing the right thing.
Speaker #1
Okay, got it.
Speaker #0
So there's got to be balance. You have to say the right thing at the right time and listen and be quiet at the right time. So, yes, number one, the first mistake was there. That's four of them. Uh, you are, uh, just speaking without intentionality and that's a big word, but just speaking is to be speaking.
Speaker #1
Right. So you're just saying words. You're very vague with what you're saying. Okay. You may be rambling. You're not speaking in specifics though. So for your partner to hear you, at least how you want to be heard, you know, you're just saying going on and on about something and not being specific. Give me an example. So an example would be, you know, one of the spouses saying. you know, I feel really stressed at work.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So leaving it at that, expecting them to know what that truly means or what you need. And instead a better example would be, I'm really busy at work right now. I have a lot of deadlines I'm trying to meet. And so I could really just use some time to unwind and chill out tonight.
Speaker #0
So I feel this is one of your weak points.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is speaking parables.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm like,
Speaker #0
give me specifics.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that a lot.
Speaker #0
What are you talking about? You're just talking about this stuff. Just like out there. Like I'm supposed to know what you're talking about. I'm not in your head. You're not. I'm not having this conversation you're having with yourself.
Speaker #1
You don't know what's in my head.
Speaker #0
No, I do not. Whether it's something at the store or whatever. What are you talking about? Back it up and rewind because you're making no sense.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that before. And I think in your case, you just want it straight to the point. What do I need to know? no more fluff yeah and sometimes people just want to talk and vent and get it out which goes along with the problem of this number one okay the rambling yeah and the vagueness and i will say let's just generalize for a second that women tend to speak more quote-unquote need okay right to vent to get it all out to speak it all out, to get those words out of their brain. Or some people even are like verbal processors. So I've heard that a lot. So they just need to talk it out. That's how they, that's how they, you know, work through their problems.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so just in a generalization, again, this isn't everybody, but women might just need to talk about their. circumstances.
Speaker #0
Drop it by the comments. Let us know. Do you feel like women need to talk about it or are you?
Speaker #1
I would say is okay. If it's followed up with you're not being as vague, right here, here's what I need you to know, or here's what I need you to hear from me. But I was going to also make that point of, you know, learning how to do that with your husband in an effective way. versus he's not going to understand. I'm just going to go call my best friend and vent to them about it.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And put that, you know, on your friend group versus learning how to communicate with your husband, letting him know what you actually need or what, you know, is, is going to make you feel heard in that situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I love the line. how to communicate with your husband because it's a completely different relationship and it's a completely different conversation it's a completely different approach versus the home girls or your brother or anyone else like how you communicate with your husband and we can reverse it don't worry calm down how to communicate with your wife it's different so we have to learn that and hopefully you learn some things from okay even from the resources we provide for you Like this free podcast to help you communicate in your relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we would instead coach you to be specific and intentional with your words when you're specifically speaking to your husband or your wife. And that will help because it's going to provide them with clear information, what they need to know, and it will allow them to really understand what you need and be actually able to support you. Right. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can maybe guess. at what might help me, but it's different if I say, you know, Hey babe, I just need an hour to unwind tonight away from the kids, just by myself. You would know, okay, you know what? I got you kids. We're going to go for a walk, babe, go upstairs and just take a bath.
Speaker #0
Actually need to know like the time.
Speaker #1
Okay. So even more specific, Hey, from seven o'clock to eight o'clock, I just need a chill out time. Are you okay with that?
Speaker #0
Got it. Got you. Right. I know what to do versus again, being very vague. I'm very. Part of me is being a man, part of it's being my makeup, part of it's being my background in production and just being on a timeline. Like, you give me a rundown, I got it. And so another way of being vague and we'll move on is just, you know, oh, you never listen. It's very vague.
Speaker #1
Very vague.
Speaker #0
Except instead of saying, I don't feel heard when you interrupt me as what just happened. Very, very specific. You know, get granular when we're talking about. things don't just throw out you never do this or you always do this right never listen okay let's get specific basically you're saying i don't feel heard that's kind of again we talk about the last episode but let's kind of change it from blaming to specific this is how i feel instances and that goes along with why we're not being heard absolutely number two go ahead all right number two number two the mistake is big one huge one interrupting right each other
Speaker #1
Talking over each other. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
You will not get heard.
Speaker #1
You will not get heard. Whether you're being the interrupter or somebody's interrupting you.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
You're not having clear communication.
Speaker #0
You have to stop it. Right. We have to be practical and make conscious, intentful effort to hush and hold it in here. Three H's. Hush, hold here.
Speaker #1
Hush, hold here.
Speaker #0
This came to me.
Speaker #1
So we see this a lot. But if... Somebody is starting to talk about an issue or concern that they may have, and the other person just jumps right in and they are like, okay, I'm going to solve this. So an example would be if I come to you and say, hey, I've seen that we've been spending a lot in our budget, this last monthly budget. And before I can even get another sentence out, you say, okay, we'll do no spend August. We're not spending anything. That'll be good. Move on.
Speaker #0
Or there's two things there. Because you got defensive. That's a great way. One reason people interrupt. Or you're assuming.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And you're like, that's not even where I was coming from. Okay, well, no, we're not spinning. Right.
Speaker #1
And so that interruption really actually makes the speaker feel like unimportant or that their opinion doesn't matter or their thoughts aren't valued. And it just. shuts down the flow of communication at times. So instead, like you said, we're going to do more active listening. We're going to let the person fully talk through. We talked about this in our last episode as well. If you want to check that out to actually let the person get their thought out, take a pause before you start, whatever you want to say next.
Speaker #0
Again, it's just let them finish. You know, you want, you want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We all want to voice our opinion and get our stuff in. So just be patient. And you might find that instead of interrupting, you may actually get the context of the conversation or get some other information before we prejudge and come to a conclusion that had we listened and then not trying to respond with our response in mind, but actually listen, oh, okay.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent. And then also talk back to them and say, so I hear that you're concerned about how we're spending our money. Tell me more details on that. Is there something specific or what is making you feel that way? Or what do you see in our... bank account that is worrying you. So speak back what you heard and then ask for more clarifying questions as well.
Speaker #0
And to pull from last episode, again, we keep referring to it. This is a good episode. You should check it out, but basically, you know, Hey, what needs to change in order for us to reach X amount in our bank account or what needs to change in order for this to be accomplished? You know, again, just digging deep, stop getting to the surface, but really, really communication is all about finding a common goal. and working towards it. So instead of speaking the vagueness or just the surface level, like really dig deep and say, okay, how, how, how can we work towards this together? What do you need from me? How can I provide that for you? We agreed. Okay. Yes. Okay. Now moving forward and repeat it. Okay. So, um, I'm going to cancel this subscription. You're going to do this with Z and then we're going to take X, Y, Z and put it over here. We have, we agreed. Yes. And then stick to it. Now, what happens if we agree and it doesn't happen? Someone breaks it. Then what?
Speaker #1
Then we go back to talking about, you know, what happened? Let's rehash this out. What went wrong? But going back to that, I really like how you said keep communicating and keep saying it over and over. I think sometimes you get annoyed with me because I like the validation. No,
Speaker #0
I get annoyed. I accuse you. I mean, I interrupted you. I get annoyed when I get asked a question I feel like you should know.
Speaker #1
You just said you were in my head. I'm not in your head.
Speaker #0
No, it's like you asked me something like either I was going to the store or something. I'm like, what?
Speaker #1
I don't know. I'm just saying I like continuous validation of yes, this is what we're doing. Because sometimes you'll be like, I already said that. Like I said that once. You should know it.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so. For me, I think it's important to revalidate or re-go over what we're doing because it solidifies, okay, I know I'm in the right place because I don't want to not be in the right place.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I think you were like, are you cooking dinner? And I'm like, I just said that. I'm like, no.
Speaker #1
Or you could just say, yeah, I'm cooking dinner.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I'm not all. I'm not still yet perfected in that area. I'm just like, I just told you this. Why are you asking me this question? And then my sarcasm will come back.
Speaker #1
I was going to say, it's the sarcasm.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Does that crush your spirit?
Speaker #1
Yeah, sometimes. Like, why do you have to say that?
Speaker #0
Because you asked me a question. You should know. I just told you.
Speaker #1
But you just said you should know.
Speaker #0
I just told you I'm going downstairs to like.
Speaker #1
I'm just making sure I heard it right.
Speaker #0
Okay. Well, and the other part I wanted to say before we move on is like, sometimes you can, again, from my last episode, things that happened in your past. Well, so-and-so used to do this to me. And so because they were sarcastic or because they had ill intention, well, then Jennifer must be doing the same thing. And that's not the case.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So we be very, very careful when we're mama said men are like this or, you know, influencer said this and that. And we're prejudging.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we're assuming that because they said something that it's got to be that way and it might not be that way.
Speaker #1
Love that.
Speaker #0
Go ahead.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number three is going to be diminishing or minimizing the other person's feelings.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
So someone may share how they feel.
Speaker #0
Yep.
Speaker #1
For an example, someone may be sharing their disappointment about a setback and the other spouse response. Oh, that's not a big deal. You'll get over it. It's fine.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
You know, so the problem with that is that it invalidates the speaker's emotions. So they may not always be quote unquote right about how they feel, but you want to at least make sure that they know you've heard what they're saying or trying to get across about their feelings, especially when they're trying to get a little bit deeper. We talked about that in the last episode as well. I'm feeling this because of this. You don't want to just completely brush aside. what they're trying to get across to you. So instead, an actionable step for that one would be to actually validate, okay, I hear that you're saying you're disappointed about this. Let's talk through that a little bit more. You know, you might not agree with how they feel, especially as a Christian couple, they may feel something that, you know, God in God's word is the opposite. And so you can say, you know, I hear that you're saying you feel. disappointed where this is what actually god says about the situation for example great great point i want you to say it again because maybe they're having an emotion
Speaker #0
And we're talking about feeling a lot. It's like, I know you feel afraid here, and then this is where you kick it in and support them. But remember, God says this. Remember, the promise says this. So even though you may feel afraid, God is with us. He's got it. Even though the budget looks like this, the scripture says this. And so make sure that each other, we're pushing the promise. We're uplifting the word of God over the circumstance. And that we stand in faith, even though we may feel something, we're not going to be moved by that.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. And so what that does, instead of just shutting them down and pushing them away because you're saying, don't worry about it or don't feel that way, right? You're actually helping to support them and you're building that trust. Okay, I feel like I can come to you with anything, even if it's not how I'm supposed to feel. I can come to you and you can help me out of that. Like you can be the leader. and push me to where God has me to be versus how the world's trying to pull me aside. So that is, you know, the opposite side of it.
Speaker #0
I would encourage you that, especially for parents to really take that into practice, because the worst thing you want to do is push your child away. Ephesians 6 and 3 is like, hey, you know, fathers don't provoke your kids to wrath. So I would much rather them come to me with an issue or come to me with an emotion. Even if it's not in line with God's word, but I would much rather them come to me and express that. And we pray through it, then them hold that and then go out somewhere and then either act upon that or take refuge in the wrong place because they were afraid. I'm going to shut them down. I'm going to condemn them. So by all means, make your home a Haven, hence Oak Haven, home to Haven, where there's peace. There is love. There is restoration. There is. comfort, there is joy, you know, work towards being that man, work towards being that woman that your family feels safe in expressing themselves. And if none other than that, they know they can get prayer and get, you know, comfort in God's word.
Speaker #1
Yes. They need to be able to feel safe enough to trust you enough to be able to actually talk to you.
Speaker #0
An example of that is, you know, today, I know it's not a husband and wife, it's a parent, but Allie, they're taking swimming lessons and she had a difficult time today. Didn't want to do floating on her back. Am I correct?
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
Okay. And so my thing was like, hey, why are you doing this? And I'm asking her these questions because I want her to identify and I also want her to admit her fear.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And she's like, you know.
Speaker #1
I didn't want to do it.
Speaker #0
I'm like, well, no. And I had to tell you, you know, it's because you're afraid. And hey, listen, you got to push yourself. You have to move past this. Your teacher is going to be there. And God is there with you. That's going to happen to you. You have to move past fear. And because on the other side of that is you get to swim. And there's good things through that. So it is recognizing where they are, but also telling her and helping her through that.
Speaker #1
That's absolutely right.
Speaker #0
Last one.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number four is going to be bringing up the past. Which we kind of talk about. A little bit, yes. So everybody has some sort of past typically coming into a relationship.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And so this can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. But an example would be I come to you and want to talk to you about a recent miscommunication that we had. And you instead say, well, you're always doing this. Or you bring up, well, blah, blah, blah happened two months ago. Right. And so you're bringing up something that. is obviously not resolved or something that you are still dealing with or still getting over from your past. And so it leads to obviously the person is not feeling heard because now another situation is put into the mix of the communication. It's distracting from what they're trying to bring to you. And it just makes them feel like you can't actually talk about what they're trying to bring up in that situation.
Speaker #0
If you are a... A friend of the podcast, if you are a long-time listener, you've heard this before, maybe forgotten about it, but I'm going to say it again, unresolved issues, buried alive, never die. So as you just said, you bring up the past because it has not been resolved. And so, sweetheart, you may be holding that on because you think, I don't want to upset him, but the more you bury it, the deeper it gets, the deeper root it takes, the harder it is for it to uproot. So you're carrying it around, carrying it around as it's festering and festering, and it will come out and always come back because it has not been resolved.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or if there's a behavior that's not changed or whatever it is, it's because it has not been resolved. So we have to work on, hey, if it takes all night, let's get this resolved. What needs to happen for us to move forward?
Speaker #1
Right. And again, use those, I feel this when this happens and try to actually listen to the person without, you know, blaming them or bringing up anything from the past. Let's address this one thing at a time, this specific situation. and I feel like for me that's that's easy to do. If you bring something up, I'm like, I've had it happen where I just automatically start thinking of other things that have happened. And so that's something I have to actively push myself. Okay. We're not talking about the last 10 years. We're talking about this specific situation. And so let's focus on that and work through that.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So do you need to forgive? Do you need to let go? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to give security? Do you need to give action steps? Do you need to give assurance? What needs to happen for this to move forward? Do we need counseling? Do we need a prayer? Do we need to step aside and do that? What needs to happen? And admit that and do it so that we can get resolution. And if you're holding on to something, let it go. if you need to forgive him forgive him or if you need to forgive her forgive her if you need to whatever needs to take place so that because you don't want to keep digging up old bones and right throwing darts and and accusing and throwing up dirt from the three years ago whatever happened that was supposed to be closed but it's still enclosed because you didn't close closure let's let's resolve that let's let's let's move past that um and and you'll you'll see improvement and change happen And trust reestablished.
Speaker #1
And you'll see that fruit.
Speaker #0
You will see that fruit because ultimately that's what we're about. We're about getting fruit and not having stale, old,
Speaker #1
sour things. Yes, we don't want that.
Speaker #0
Did you get anything from today's episode? Those four things? Do you feel like there's more mistakes people are making? What are some reasons you feel like you're not being heard or you know are not being heard? Please put in the comments. Let us know below. We will definitely respond to it. There are.
Speaker #1
uh five things you can do to get better connection that's a freebie for this week okay that'll be in the episode and it's five connections for busy couples that's right five connection habits that you can start today so it's a freebie download it right now read through the guide it also comes with a free habit tracker which is one of my favorite things to do keep track of that so grab that today freebie it'll be in the link in the show notes.
Speaker #0
It's free. It's free. It's free. So there's no reason, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get it. Go check it out. It's free. It's literally free. It's free. Did I mention it's free? It's free to download right now. It's free to download right now. So go do it. And also, while you're downloading, before you click off, thumbs up. You can do it. Thumbs up. Help us reach more and more people just like you. Thanks so much for listening, for watching. We appreciate it. And remember, next week we'll see you. But I was trying to say, Built the house. Have a great week. Have a nice.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever felt like you're talking to a brick wall in your relationship? You pour out your heart, you share your concerns, but it feels like your words are just bouncing off like rubber? Yes, yes. Well, today we're tackling that frustrating experience and uncovering the critical communication mistakes that often lead to feeling unheard. And by the end of this video, this podcast, You'll know the four ways. four mistakes that are being made that cause your spouse to feel unheard. Let's get into it right now. Well, welcome to the home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for clicking on that thumbnail and for watching the video. If you're watching or listening on. all of the podcast platforms across the land. iHeart, Spotify, Podcast, Stitcher, all of them. Thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. If you're new to the community, we are the Turners.
Speaker #1
We are.
Speaker #0
This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate, get to talking it out in your relationships. And if you get anything at all from this episode, Before you click off, give it a thumbs up.
Speaker #1
Give us a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. Let us know what you like. Keep it coming. Keep those comments coming.
Speaker #0
What's going on with you tonight?
Speaker #1
Just going with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You got some energy?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm not too tired. I was earlier. Yeah,
Speaker #0
you were.
Speaker #1
You made a really good dinner and I was super full. Oh,
Speaker #0
I made a good dinner?
Speaker #1
You made a good dinner. I was super full.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Probably could have went to bed. But we're podcasting tonight.
Speaker #0
So does that mean that it was a good meal or we ate the wrong food because it made you sleepy?
Speaker #1
I thought it was pretty good. I ate a lot. You gave me a lot, and I couldn't even eat the amount you gave me, but I was trying. I was trying to eat them out because I wanted to show my gratitude.
Speaker #0
Okay. I would love to know if someone has any tips for getting children to try new food. That would be amazing. Please drop those in the comments. Anything you've seen work because I'm at a loss. We had hoagies tonight, steak hoagies. I mean, it wasn't nasty. It was really good. And the kids just couldn't try it.
Speaker #1
Well, Adley doesn't really like meat in general. Like I really have to push her to eat meat.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And which is bad too, because she's not eating veggies either. So I have to tell her you just have to eat it. You know, you have to give your body nutrients so you can't live on gum and, you know.
Speaker #0
Ice cream.
Speaker #1
Right. And ice. Ice, chocolate.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Whatever sugar she wants at the time.
Speaker #0
Sugar.
Speaker #1
But yes. So we're working on that. Jane usually eats.
Speaker #0
He'll try it. He'll at least try it.
Speaker #1
Eats meat at least. He's pretty a good meat eater. But, you know, I was super picky as a kid.
Speaker #0
I was picky as well.
Speaker #1
I'm still picky.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I've kind of grown out of it. Well, I just learned to just stick with what you know.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Because I've had enough experimenting at restaurants. And I think our last experiment, which if you want to watch that on our playlist, it's called Indaco. We go to, oh, I called the restaurant's name out.
Speaker #1
Uh-oh.
Speaker #0
Oh, well.
Speaker #1
Rewind. Don't make the connection.
Speaker #0
But it's our date night in South End.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
I'll put the video at the end.
Speaker #1
I almost forgot about that one.
Speaker #0
When our end screen comes up. and i'll also put in the show notes but we go to that restaurant because you said the name yeah you said the name trendy place in south end and it just was not our it just wasn't ours you know it could be yours it's a lot of great ambiance great decor great server i'm sure the chef did his thing our taste buds was like it's not for us it's okay you're right everyone's pizza doesn't need you know refine, reduce. So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker #1
Let's go. So today we are talking about communication mistakes that you may be making or your partner may be making that is hurting you being feeling like you are being heard in your communication.
Speaker #0
How many of you out there are like, you know what? I don't feel heard. It's one of the number one things I hear. When I'm counseling, people are talking with couples. She's not listening or I don't feel she's not hearing me.
Speaker #1
Yes. I don't feel heard. I don't feel seen. And so this is a big issue that we see a lot. And so we are going to address it today so that you can change it in your relationship.
Speaker #0
And just because you're talking doesn't mean that you are saying something.
Speaker #1
Correct. Correct.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Yes. And the same goes for simply talking or vocalizing your thoughts doesn't mean that your partner. is receiving your words or understanding what you're saying right so you're not being heard just because you're speaking no uh and again if you're new to the podcast we we take a a
Speaker #0
biblical foundation we take a biblical worldview and we try to sift the noise of what the world says and we say hey what does god's word say and we try to apply that to our lives because we believe That's where ultimate success comes. If you look at you with our t-shirts, we got some swag on that. If you plan it, sorry, if you pray it, then plan it. You can then pursue it. That's right. And that's where ultimate success is in our lives.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we're going to move on to. Yes.
Speaker #0
So Proverbs 17, 28, before you cut me off, but Proverbs 17, 28 says, even fools are thought wise if they keep silent. And discerning if they hold their tongues. In other words, hey, even a fool can, like, hold, be quiet at some times. It's because you're not, because you're saying something doesn't mean you're saying something of value. It's because you're being quiet doesn't mean you're being important or doing the right thing.
Speaker #1
Okay, got it.
Speaker #0
So there's got to be balance. You have to say the right thing at the right time and listen and be quiet at the right time. So, yes, number one, the first mistake was there. That's four of them. Uh, you are, uh, just speaking without intentionality and that's a big word, but just speaking is to be speaking.
Speaker #1
Right. So you're just saying words. You're very vague with what you're saying. Okay. You may be rambling. You're not speaking in specifics though. So for your partner to hear you, at least how you want to be heard, you know, you're just saying going on and on about something and not being specific. Give me an example. So an example would be, you know, one of the spouses saying. you know, I feel really stressed at work.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So leaving it at that, expecting them to know what that truly means or what you need. And instead a better example would be, I'm really busy at work right now. I have a lot of deadlines I'm trying to meet. And so I could really just use some time to unwind and chill out tonight.
Speaker #0
So I feel this is one of your weak points.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is speaking parables.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm like,
Speaker #0
give me specifics.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that a lot.
Speaker #0
What are you talking about? You're just talking about this stuff. Just like out there. Like I'm supposed to know what you're talking about. I'm not in your head. You're not. I'm not having this conversation you're having with yourself.
Speaker #1
You don't know what's in my head.
Speaker #0
No, I do not. Whether it's something at the store or whatever. What are you talking about? Back it up and rewind because you're making no sense.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that before. And I think in your case, you just want it straight to the point. What do I need to know? no more fluff yeah and sometimes people just want to talk and vent and get it out which goes along with the problem of this number one okay the rambling yeah and the vagueness and i will say let's just generalize for a second that women tend to speak more quote-unquote need okay right to vent to get it all out to speak it all out, to get those words out of their brain. Or some people even are like verbal processors. So I've heard that a lot. So they just need to talk it out. That's how they, that's how they, you know, work through their problems.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so just in a generalization, again, this isn't everybody, but women might just need to talk about their. circumstances.
Speaker #0
Drop it by the comments. Let us know. Do you feel like women need to talk about it or are you?
Speaker #1
I would say is okay. If it's followed up with you're not being as vague, right here, here's what I need you to know, or here's what I need you to hear from me. But I was going to also make that point of, you know, learning how to do that with your husband in an effective way. versus he's not going to understand. I'm just going to go call my best friend and vent to them about it.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And put that, you know, on your friend group versus learning how to communicate with your husband, letting him know what you actually need or what, you know, is, is going to make you feel heard in that situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I love the line. how to communicate with your husband because it's a completely different relationship and it's a completely different conversation it's a completely different approach versus the home girls or your brother or anyone else like how you communicate with your husband and we can reverse it don't worry calm down how to communicate with your wife it's different so we have to learn that and hopefully you learn some things from okay even from the resources we provide for you Like this free podcast to help you communicate in your relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we would instead coach you to be specific and intentional with your words when you're specifically speaking to your husband or your wife. And that will help because it's going to provide them with clear information, what they need to know, and it will allow them to really understand what you need and be actually able to support you. Right. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can maybe guess. at what might help me, but it's different if I say, you know, Hey babe, I just need an hour to unwind tonight away from the kids, just by myself. You would know, okay, you know what? I got you kids. We're going to go for a walk, babe, go upstairs and just take a bath.
Speaker #0
Actually need to know like the time.
Speaker #1
Okay. So even more specific, Hey, from seven o'clock to eight o'clock, I just need a chill out time. Are you okay with that?
Speaker #0
Got it. Got you. Right. I know what to do versus again, being very vague. I'm very. Part of me is being a man, part of it's being my makeup, part of it's being my background in production and just being on a timeline. Like, you give me a rundown, I got it. And so another way of being vague and we'll move on is just, you know, oh, you never listen. It's very vague.
Speaker #1
Very vague.
Speaker #0
Except instead of saying, I don't feel heard when you interrupt me as what just happened. Very, very specific. You know, get granular when we're talking about. things don't just throw out you never do this or you always do this right never listen okay let's get specific basically you're saying i don't feel heard that's kind of again we talk about the last episode but let's kind of change it from blaming to specific this is how i feel instances and that goes along with why we're not being heard absolutely number two go ahead all right number two number two the mistake is big one huge one interrupting right each other
Speaker #1
Talking over each other. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
You will not get heard.
Speaker #1
You will not get heard. Whether you're being the interrupter or somebody's interrupting you.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
You're not having clear communication.
Speaker #0
You have to stop it. Right. We have to be practical and make conscious, intentful effort to hush and hold it in here. Three H's. Hush, hold here.
Speaker #1
Hush, hold here.
Speaker #0
This came to me.
Speaker #1
So we see this a lot. But if... Somebody is starting to talk about an issue or concern that they may have, and the other person just jumps right in and they are like, okay, I'm going to solve this. So an example would be if I come to you and say, hey, I've seen that we've been spending a lot in our budget, this last monthly budget. And before I can even get another sentence out, you say, okay, we'll do no spend August. We're not spending anything. That'll be good. Move on.
Speaker #0
Or there's two things there. Because you got defensive. That's a great way. One reason people interrupt. Or you're assuming.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And you're like, that's not even where I was coming from. Okay, well, no, we're not spinning. Right.
Speaker #1
And so that interruption really actually makes the speaker feel like unimportant or that their opinion doesn't matter or their thoughts aren't valued. And it just. shuts down the flow of communication at times. So instead, like you said, we're going to do more active listening. We're going to let the person fully talk through. We talked about this in our last episode as well. If you want to check that out to actually let the person get their thought out, take a pause before you start, whatever you want to say next.
Speaker #0
Again, it's just let them finish. You know, you want, you want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We all want to voice our opinion and get our stuff in. So just be patient. And you might find that instead of interrupting, you may actually get the context of the conversation or get some other information before we prejudge and come to a conclusion that had we listened and then not trying to respond with our response in mind, but actually listen, oh, okay.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent. And then also talk back to them and say, so I hear that you're concerned about how we're spending our money. Tell me more details on that. Is there something specific or what is making you feel that way? Or what do you see in our... bank account that is worrying you. So speak back what you heard and then ask for more clarifying questions as well.
Speaker #0
And to pull from last episode, again, we keep referring to it. This is a good episode. You should check it out, but basically, you know, Hey, what needs to change in order for us to reach X amount in our bank account or what needs to change in order for this to be accomplished? You know, again, just digging deep, stop getting to the surface, but really, really communication is all about finding a common goal. and working towards it. So instead of speaking the vagueness or just the surface level, like really dig deep and say, okay, how, how, how can we work towards this together? What do you need from me? How can I provide that for you? We agreed. Okay. Yes. Okay. Now moving forward and repeat it. Okay. So, um, I'm going to cancel this subscription. You're going to do this with Z and then we're going to take X, Y, Z and put it over here. We have, we agreed. Yes. And then stick to it. Now, what happens if we agree and it doesn't happen? Someone breaks it. Then what?
Speaker #1
Then we go back to talking about, you know, what happened? Let's rehash this out. What went wrong? But going back to that, I really like how you said keep communicating and keep saying it over and over. I think sometimes you get annoyed with me because I like the validation. No,
Speaker #0
I get annoyed. I accuse you. I mean, I interrupted you. I get annoyed when I get asked a question I feel like you should know.
Speaker #1
You just said you were in my head. I'm not in your head.
Speaker #0
No, it's like you asked me something like either I was going to the store or something. I'm like, what?
Speaker #1
I don't know. I'm just saying I like continuous validation of yes, this is what we're doing. Because sometimes you'll be like, I already said that. Like I said that once. You should know it.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so. For me, I think it's important to revalidate or re-go over what we're doing because it solidifies, okay, I know I'm in the right place because I don't want to not be in the right place.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I think you were like, are you cooking dinner? And I'm like, I just said that. I'm like, no.
Speaker #1
Or you could just say, yeah, I'm cooking dinner.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I'm not all. I'm not still yet perfected in that area. I'm just like, I just told you this. Why are you asking me this question? And then my sarcasm will come back.
Speaker #1
I was going to say, it's the sarcasm.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Does that crush your spirit?
Speaker #1
Yeah, sometimes. Like, why do you have to say that?
Speaker #0
Because you asked me a question. You should know. I just told you.
Speaker #1
But you just said you should know.
Speaker #0
I just told you I'm going downstairs to like.
Speaker #1
I'm just making sure I heard it right.
Speaker #0
Okay. Well, and the other part I wanted to say before we move on is like, sometimes you can, again, from my last episode, things that happened in your past. Well, so-and-so used to do this to me. And so because they were sarcastic or because they had ill intention, well, then Jennifer must be doing the same thing. And that's not the case.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So we be very, very careful when we're mama said men are like this or, you know, influencer said this and that. And we're prejudging.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we're assuming that because they said something that it's got to be that way and it might not be that way.
Speaker #1
Love that.
Speaker #0
Go ahead.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number three is going to be diminishing or minimizing the other person's feelings.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
So someone may share how they feel.
Speaker #0
Yep.
Speaker #1
For an example, someone may be sharing their disappointment about a setback and the other spouse response. Oh, that's not a big deal. You'll get over it. It's fine.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
You know, so the problem with that is that it invalidates the speaker's emotions. So they may not always be quote unquote right about how they feel, but you want to at least make sure that they know you've heard what they're saying or trying to get across about their feelings, especially when they're trying to get a little bit deeper. We talked about that in the last episode as well. I'm feeling this because of this. You don't want to just completely brush aside. what they're trying to get across to you. So instead, an actionable step for that one would be to actually validate, okay, I hear that you're saying you're disappointed about this. Let's talk through that a little bit more. You know, you might not agree with how they feel, especially as a Christian couple, they may feel something that, you know, God in God's word is the opposite. And so you can say, you know, I hear that you're saying you feel. disappointed where this is what actually god says about the situation for example great great point i want you to say it again because maybe they're having an emotion
Speaker #0
And we're talking about feeling a lot. It's like, I know you feel afraid here, and then this is where you kick it in and support them. But remember, God says this. Remember, the promise says this. So even though you may feel afraid, God is with us. He's got it. Even though the budget looks like this, the scripture says this. And so make sure that each other, we're pushing the promise. We're uplifting the word of God over the circumstance. And that we stand in faith, even though we may feel something, we're not going to be moved by that.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. And so what that does, instead of just shutting them down and pushing them away because you're saying, don't worry about it or don't feel that way, right? You're actually helping to support them and you're building that trust. Okay, I feel like I can come to you with anything, even if it's not how I'm supposed to feel. I can come to you and you can help me out of that. Like you can be the leader. and push me to where God has me to be versus how the world's trying to pull me aside. So that is, you know, the opposite side of it.
Speaker #0
I would encourage you that, especially for parents to really take that into practice, because the worst thing you want to do is push your child away. Ephesians 6 and 3 is like, hey, you know, fathers don't provoke your kids to wrath. So I would much rather them come to me with an issue or come to me with an emotion. Even if it's not in line with God's word, but I would much rather them come to me and express that. And we pray through it, then them hold that and then go out somewhere and then either act upon that or take refuge in the wrong place because they were afraid. I'm going to shut them down. I'm going to condemn them. So by all means, make your home a Haven, hence Oak Haven, home to Haven, where there's peace. There is love. There is restoration. There is. comfort, there is joy, you know, work towards being that man, work towards being that woman that your family feels safe in expressing themselves. And if none other than that, they know they can get prayer and get, you know, comfort in God's word.
Speaker #1
Yes. They need to be able to feel safe enough to trust you enough to be able to actually talk to you.
Speaker #0
An example of that is, you know, today, I know it's not a husband and wife, it's a parent, but Allie, they're taking swimming lessons and she had a difficult time today. Didn't want to do floating on her back. Am I correct?
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
Okay. And so my thing was like, hey, why are you doing this? And I'm asking her these questions because I want her to identify and I also want her to admit her fear.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And she's like, you know.
Speaker #1
I didn't want to do it.
Speaker #0
I'm like, well, no. And I had to tell you, you know, it's because you're afraid. And hey, listen, you got to push yourself. You have to move past this. Your teacher is going to be there. And God is there with you. That's going to happen to you. You have to move past fear. And because on the other side of that is you get to swim. And there's good things through that. So it is recognizing where they are, but also telling her and helping her through that.
Speaker #1
That's absolutely right.
Speaker #0
Last one.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number four is going to be bringing up the past. Which we kind of talk about. A little bit, yes. So everybody has some sort of past typically coming into a relationship.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And so this can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. But an example would be I come to you and want to talk to you about a recent miscommunication that we had. And you instead say, well, you're always doing this. Or you bring up, well, blah, blah, blah happened two months ago. Right. And so you're bringing up something that. is obviously not resolved or something that you are still dealing with or still getting over from your past. And so it leads to obviously the person is not feeling heard because now another situation is put into the mix of the communication. It's distracting from what they're trying to bring to you. And it just makes them feel like you can't actually talk about what they're trying to bring up in that situation.
Speaker #0
If you are a... A friend of the podcast, if you are a long-time listener, you've heard this before, maybe forgotten about it, but I'm going to say it again, unresolved issues, buried alive, never die. So as you just said, you bring up the past because it has not been resolved. And so, sweetheart, you may be holding that on because you think, I don't want to upset him, but the more you bury it, the deeper it gets, the deeper root it takes, the harder it is for it to uproot. So you're carrying it around, carrying it around as it's festering and festering, and it will come out and always come back because it has not been resolved.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or if there's a behavior that's not changed or whatever it is, it's because it has not been resolved. So we have to work on, hey, if it takes all night, let's get this resolved. What needs to happen for us to move forward?
Speaker #1
Right. And again, use those, I feel this when this happens and try to actually listen to the person without, you know, blaming them or bringing up anything from the past. Let's address this one thing at a time, this specific situation. and I feel like for me that's that's easy to do. If you bring something up, I'm like, I've had it happen where I just automatically start thinking of other things that have happened. And so that's something I have to actively push myself. Okay. We're not talking about the last 10 years. We're talking about this specific situation. And so let's focus on that and work through that.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So do you need to forgive? Do you need to let go? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to give security? Do you need to give action steps? Do you need to give assurance? What needs to happen for this to move forward? Do we need counseling? Do we need a prayer? Do we need to step aside and do that? What needs to happen? And admit that and do it so that we can get resolution. And if you're holding on to something, let it go. if you need to forgive him forgive him or if you need to forgive her forgive her if you need to whatever needs to take place so that because you don't want to keep digging up old bones and right throwing darts and and accusing and throwing up dirt from the three years ago whatever happened that was supposed to be closed but it's still enclosed because you didn't close closure let's let's resolve that let's let's let's move past that um and and you'll you'll see improvement and change happen And trust reestablished.
Speaker #1
And you'll see that fruit.
Speaker #0
You will see that fruit because ultimately that's what we're about. We're about getting fruit and not having stale, old,
Speaker #1
sour things. Yes, we don't want that.
Speaker #0
Did you get anything from today's episode? Those four things? Do you feel like there's more mistakes people are making? What are some reasons you feel like you're not being heard or you know are not being heard? Please put in the comments. Let us know below. We will definitely respond to it. There are.
Speaker #1
uh five things you can do to get better connection that's a freebie for this week okay that'll be in the episode and it's five connections for busy couples that's right five connection habits that you can start today so it's a freebie download it right now read through the guide it also comes with a free habit tracker which is one of my favorite things to do keep track of that so grab that today freebie it'll be in the link in the show notes.
Speaker #0
It's free. It's free. It's free. So there's no reason, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get it. Go check it out. It's free. It's literally free. It's free. Did I mention it's free? It's free to download right now. It's free to download right now. So go do it. And also, while you're downloading, before you click off, thumbs up. You can do it. Thumbs up. Help us reach more and more people just like you. Thanks so much for listening, for watching. We appreciate it. And remember, next week we'll see you. But I was trying to say, Built the house. Have a great week. Have a nice.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever felt like you're talking to a brick wall in your relationship? You pour out your heart, you share your concerns, but it feels like your words are just bouncing off like rubber? Yes, yes. Well, today we're tackling that frustrating experience and uncovering the critical communication mistakes that often lead to feeling unheard. And by the end of this video, this podcast, You'll know the four ways. four mistakes that are being made that cause your spouse to feel unheard. Let's get into it right now. Well, welcome to the home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for clicking on that thumbnail and for watching the video. If you're watching or listening on. all of the podcast platforms across the land. iHeart, Spotify, Podcast, Stitcher, all of them. Thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. If you're new to the community, we are the Turners.
Speaker #1
We are.
Speaker #0
This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate, get to talking it out in your relationships. And if you get anything at all from this episode, Before you click off, give it a thumbs up.
Speaker #1
Give us a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. Let us know what you like. Keep it coming. Keep those comments coming.
Speaker #0
What's going on with you tonight?
Speaker #1
Just going with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You got some energy?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm not too tired. I was earlier. Yeah,
Speaker #0
you were.
Speaker #1
You made a really good dinner and I was super full. Oh,
Speaker #0
I made a good dinner?
Speaker #1
You made a good dinner. I was super full.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Probably could have went to bed. But we're podcasting tonight.
Speaker #0
So does that mean that it was a good meal or we ate the wrong food because it made you sleepy?
Speaker #1
I thought it was pretty good. I ate a lot. You gave me a lot, and I couldn't even eat the amount you gave me, but I was trying. I was trying to eat them out because I wanted to show my gratitude.
Speaker #0
Okay. I would love to know if someone has any tips for getting children to try new food. That would be amazing. Please drop those in the comments. Anything you've seen work because I'm at a loss. We had hoagies tonight, steak hoagies. I mean, it wasn't nasty. It was really good. And the kids just couldn't try it.
Speaker #1
Well, Adley doesn't really like meat in general. Like I really have to push her to eat meat.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And which is bad too, because she's not eating veggies either. So I have to tell her you just have to eat it. You know, you have to give your body nutrients so you can't live on gum and, you know.
Speaker #0
Ice cream.
Speaker #1
Right. And ice. Ice, chocolate.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Whatever sugar she wants at the time.
Speaker #0
Sugar.
Speaker #1
But yes. So we're working on that. Jane usually eats.
Speaker #0
He'll try it. He'll at least try it.
Speaker #1
Eats meat at least. He's pretty a good meat eater. But, you know, I was super picky as a kid.
Speaker #0
I was picky as well.
Speaker #1
I'm still picky.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I've kind of grown out of it. Well, I just learned to just stick with what you know.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Because I've had enough experimenting at restaurants. And I think our last experiment, which if you want to watch that on our playlist, it's called Indaco. We go to, oh, I called the restaurant's name out.
Speaker #1
Uh-oh.
Speaker #0
Oh, well.
Speaker #1
Rewind. Don't make the connection.
Speaker #0
But it's our date night in South End.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
I'll put the video at the end.
Speaker #1
I almost forgot about that one.
Speaker #0
When our end screen comes up. and i'll also put in the show notes but we go to that restaurant because you said the name yeah you said the name trendy place in south end and it just was not our it just wasn't ours you know it could be yours it's a lot of great ambiance great decor great server i'm sure the chef did his thing our taste buds was like it's not for us it's okay you're right everyone's pizza doesn't need you know refine, reduce. So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker #1
Let's go. So today we are talking about communication mistakes that you may be making or your partner may be making that is hurting you being feeling like you are being heard in your communication.
Speaker #0
How many of you out there are like, you know what? I don't feel heard. It's one of the number one things I hear. When I'm counseling, people are talking with couples. She's not listening or I don't feel she's not hearing me.
Speaker #1
Yes. I don't feel heard. I don't feel seen. And so this is a big issue that we see a lot. And so we are going to address it today so that you can change it in your relationship.
Speaker #0
And just because you're talking doesn't mean that you are saying something.
Speaker #1
Correct. Correct.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Yes. And the same goes for simply talking or vocalizing your thoughts doesn't mean that your partner. is receiving your words or understanding what you're saying right so you're not being heard just because you're speaking no uh and again if you're new to the podcast we we take a a
Speaker #0
biblical foundation we take a biblical worldview and we try to sift the noise of what the world says and we say hey what does god's word say and we try to apply that to our lives because we believe That's where ultimate success comes. If you look at you with our t-shirts, we got some swag on that. If you plan it, sorry, if you pray it, then plan it. You can then pursue it. That's right. And that's where ultimate success is in our lives.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we're going to move on to. Yes.
Speaker #0
So Proverbs 17, 28, before you cut me off, but Proverbs 17, 28 says, even fools are thought wise if they keep silent. And discerning if they hold their tongues. In other words, hey, even a fool can, like, hold, be quiet at some times. It's because you're not, because you're saying something doesn't mean you're saying something of value. It's because you're being quiet doesn't mean you're being important or doing the right thing.
Speaker #1
Okay, got it.
Speaker #0
So there's got to be balance. You have to say the right thing at the right time and listen and be quiet at the right time. So, yes, number one, the first mistake was there. That's four of them. Uh, you are, uh, just speaking without intentionality and that's a big word, but just speaking is to be speaking.
Speaker #1
Right. So you're just saying words. You're very vague with what you're saying. Okay. You may be rambling. You're not speaking in specifics though. So for your partner to hear you, at least how you want to be heard, you know, you're just saying going on and on about something and not being specific. Give me an example. So an example would be, you know, one of the spouses saying. you know, I feel really stressed at work.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So leaving it at that, expecting them to know what that truly means or what you need. And instead a better example would be, I'm really busy at work right now. I have a lot of deadlines I'm trying to meet. And so I could really just use some time to unwind and chill out tonight.
Speaker #0
So I feel this is one of your weak points.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is speaking parables.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm like,
Speaker #0
give me specifics.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that a lot.
Speaker #0
What are you talking about? You're just talking about this stuff. Just like out there. Like I'm supposed to know what you're talking about. I'm not in your head. You're not. I'm not having this conversation you're having with yourself.
Speaker #1
You don't know what's in my head.
Speaker #0
No, I do not. Whether it's something at the store or whatever. What are you talking about? Back it up and rewind because you're making no sense.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that before. And I think in your case, you just want it straight to the point. What do I need to know? no more fluff yeah and sometimes people just want to talk and vent and get it out which goes along with the problem of this number one okay the rambling yeah and the vagueness and i will say let's just generalize for a second that women tend to speak more quote-unquote need okay right to vent to get it all out to speak it all out, to get those words out of their brain. Or some people even are like verbal processors. So I've heard that a lot. So they just need to talk it out. That's how they, that's how they, you know, work through their problems.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so just in a generalization, again, this isn't everybody, but women might just need to talk about their. circumstances.
Speaker #0
Drop it by the comments. Let us know. Do you feel like women need to talk about it or are you?
Speaker #1
I would say is okay. If it's followed up with you're not being as vague, right here, here's what I need you to know, or here's what I need you to hear from me. But I was going to also make that point of, you know, learning how to do that with your husband in an effective way. versus he's not going to understand. I'm just going to go call my best friend and vent to them about it.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And put that, you know, on your friend group versus learning how to communicate with your husband, letting him know what you actually need or what, you know, is, is going to make you feel heard in that situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I love the line. how to communicate with your husband because it's a completely different relationship and it's a completely different conversation it's a completely different approach versus the home girls or your brother or anyone else like how you communicate with your husband and we can reverse it don't worry calm down how to communicate with your wife it's different so we have to learn that and hopefully you learn some things from okay even from the resources we provide for you Like this free podcast to help you communicate in your relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we would instead coach you to be specific and intentional with your words when you're specifically speaking to your husband or your wife. And that will help because it's going to provide them with clear information, what they need to know, and it will allow them to really understand what you need and be actually able to support you. Right. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can maybe guess. at what might help me, but it's different if I say, you know, Hey babe, I just need an hour to unwind tonight away from the kids, just by myself. You would know, okay, you know what? I got you kids. We're going to go for a walk, babe, go upstairs and just take a bath.
Speaker #0
Actually need to know like the time.
Speaker #1
Okay. So even more specific, Hey, from seven o'clock to eight o'clock, I just need a chill out time. Are you okay with that?
Speaker #0
Got it. Got you. Right. I know what to do versus again, being very vague. I'm very. Part of me is being a man, part of it's being my makeup, part of it's being my background in production and just being on a timeline. Like, you give me a rundown, I got it. And so another way of being vague and we'll move on is just, you know, oh, you never listen. It's very vague.
Speaker #1
Very vague.
Speaker #0
Except instead of saying, I don't feel heard when you interrupt me as what just happened. Very, very specific. You know, get granular when we're talking about. things don't just throw out you never do this or you always do this right never listen okay let's get specific basically you're saying i don't feel heard that's kind of again we talk about the last episode but let's kind of change it from blaming to specific this is how i feel instances and that goes along with why we're not being heard absolutely number two go ahead all right number two number two the mistake is big one huge one interrupting right each other
Speaker #1
Talking over each other. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
You will not get heard.
Speaker #1
You will not get heard. Whether you're being the interrupter or somebody's interrupting you.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
You're not having clear communication.
Speaker #0
You have to stop it. Right. We have to be practical and make conscious, intentful effort to hush and hold it in here. Three H's. Hush, hold here.
Speaker #1
Hush, hold here.
Speaker #0
This came to me.
Speaker #1
So we see this a lot. But if... Somebody is starting to talk about an issue or concern that they may have, and the other person just jumps right in and they are like, okay, I'm going to solve this. So an example would be if I come to you and say, hey, I've seen that we've been spending a lot in our budget, this last monthly budget. And before I can even get another sentence out, you say, okay, we'll do no spend August. We're not spending anything. That'll be good. Move on.
Speaker #0
Or there's two things there. Because you got defensive. That's a great way. One reason people interrupt. Or you're assuming.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And you're like, that's not even where I was coming from. Okay, well, no, we're not spinning. Right.
Speaker #1
And so that interruption really actually makes the speaker feel like unimportant or that their opinion doesn't matter or their thoughts aren't valued. And it just. shuts down the flow of communication at times. So instead, like you said, we're going to do more active listening. We're going to let the person fully talk through. We talked about this in our last episode as well. If you want to check that out to actually let the person get their thought out, take a pause before you start, whatever you want to say next.
Speaker #0
Again, it's just let them finish. You know, you want, you want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We all want to voice our opinion and get our stuff in. So just be patient. And you might find that instead of interrupting, you may actually get the context of the conversation or get some other information before we prejudge and come to a conclusion that had we listened and then not trying to respond with our response in mind, but actually listen, oh, okay.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent. And then also talk back to them and say, so I hear that you're concerned about how we're spending our money. Tell me more details on that. Is there something specific or what is making you feel that way? Or what do you see in our... bank account that is worrying you. So speak back what you heard and then ask for more clarifying questions as well.
Speaker #0
And to pull from last episode, again, we keep referring to it. This is a good episode. You should check it out, but basically, you know, Hey, what needs to change in order for us to reach X amount in our bank account or what needs to change in order for this to be accomplished? You know, again, just digging deep, stop getting to the surface, but really, really communication is all about finding a common goal. and working towards it. So instead of speaking the vagueness or just the surface level, like really dig deep and say, okay, how, how, how can we work towards this together? What do you need from me? How can I provide that for you? We agreed. Okay. Yes. Okay. Now moving forward and repeat it. Okay. So, um, I'm going to cancel this subscription. You're going to do this with Z and then we're going to take X, Y, Z and put it over here. We have, we agreed. Yes. And then stick to it. Now, what happens if we agree and it doesn't happen? Someone breaks it. Then what?
Speaker #1
Then we go back to talking about, you know, what happened? Let's rehash this out. What went wrong? But going back to that, I really like how you said keep communicating and keep saying it over and over. I think sometimes you get annoyed with me because I like the validation. No,
Speaker #0
I get annoyed. I accuse you. I mean, I interrupted you. I get annoyed when I get asked a question I feel like you should know.
Speaker #1
You just said you were in my head. I'm not in your head.
Speaker #0
No, it's like you asked me something like either I was going to the store or something. I'm like, what?
Speaker #1
I don't know. I'm just saying I like continuous validation of yes, this is what we're doing. Because sometimes you'll be like, I already said that. Like I said that once. You should know it.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so. For me, I think it's important to revalidate or re-go over what we're doing because it solidifies, okay, I know I'm in the right place because I don't want to not be in the right place.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I think you were like, are you cooking dinner? And I'm like, I just said that. I'm like, no.
Speaker #1
Or you could just say, yeah, I'm cooking dinner.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I'm not all. I'm not still yet perfected in that area. I'm just like, I just told you this. Why are you asking me this question? And then my sarcasm will come back.
Speaker #1
I was going to say, it's the sarcasm.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Does that crush your spirit?
Speaker #1
Yeah, sometimes. Like, why do you have to say that?
Speaker #0
Because you asked me a question. You should know. I just told you.
Speaker #1
But you just said you should know.
Speaker #0
I just told you I'm going downstairs to like.
Speaker #1
I'm just making sure I heard it right.
Speaker #0
Okay. Well, and the other part I wanted to say before we move on is like, sometimes you can, again, from my last episode, things that happened in your past. Well, so-and-so used to do this to me. And so because they were sarcastic or because they had ill intention, well, then Jennifer must be doing the same thing. And that's not the case.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So we be very, very careful when we're mama said men are like this or, you know, influencer said this and that. And we're prejudging.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we're assuming that because they said something that it's got to be that way and it might not be that way.
Speaker #1
Love that.
Speaker #0
Go ahead.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number three is going to be diminishing or minimizing the other person's feelings.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
So someone may share how they feel.
Speaker #0
Yep.
Speaker #1
For an example, someone may be sharing their disappointment about a setback and the other spouse response. Oh, that's not a big deal. You'll get over it. It's fine.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
You know, so the problem with that is that it invalidates the speaker's emotions. So they may not always be quote unquote right about how they feel, but you want to at least make sure that they know you've heard what they're saying or trying to get across about their feelings, especially when they're trying to get a little bit deeper. We talked about that in the last episode as well. I'm feeling this because of this. You don't want to just completely brush aside. what they're trying to get across to you. So instead, an actionable step for that one would be to actually validate, okay, I hear that you're saying you're disappointed about this. Let's talk through that a little bit more. You know, you might not agree with how they feel, especially as a Christian couple, they may feel something that, you know, God in God's word is the opposite. And so you can say, you know, I hear that you're saying you feel. disappointed where this is what actually god says about the situation for example great great point i want you to say it again because maybe they're having an emotion
Speaker #0
And we're talking about feeling a lot. It's like, I know you feel afraid here, and then this is where you kick it in and support them. But remember, God says this. Remember, the promise says this. So even though you may feel afraid, God is with us. He's got it. Even though the budget looks like this, the scripture says this. And so make sure that each other, we're pushing the promise. We're uplifting the word of God over the circumstance. And that we stand in faith, even though we may feel something, we're not going to be moved by that.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. And so what that does, instead of just shutting them down and pushing them away because you're saying, don't worry about it or don't feel that way, right? You're actually helping to support them and you're building that trust. Okay, I feel like I can come to you with anything, even if it's not how I'm supposed to feel. I can come to you and you can help me out of that. Like you can be the leader. and push me to where God has me to be versus how the world's trying to pull me aside. So that is, you know, the opposite side of it.
Speaker #0
I would encourage you that, especially for parents to really take that into practice, because the worst thing you want to do is push your child away. Ephesians 6 and 3 is like, hey, you know, fathers don't provoke your kids to wrath. So I would much rather them come to me with an issue or come to me with an emotion. Even if it's not in line with God's word, but I would much rather them come to me and express that. And we pray through it, then them hold that and then go out somewhere and then either act upon that or take refuge in the wrong place because they were afraid. I'm going to shut them down. I'm going to condemn them. So by all means, make your home a Haven, hence Oak Haven, home to Haven, where there's peace. There is love. There is restoration. There is. comfort, there is joy, you know, work towards being that man, work towards being that woman that your family feels safe in expressing themselves. And if none other than that, they know they can get prayer and get, you know, comfort in God's word.
Speaker #1
Yes. They need to be able to feel safe enough to trust you enough to be able to actually talk to you.
Speaker #0
An example of that is, you know, today, I know it's not a husband and wife, it's a parent, but Allie, they're taking swimming lessons and she had a difficult time today. Didn't want to do floating on her back. Am I correct?
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
Okay. And so my thing was like, hey, why are you doing this? And I'm asking her these questions because I want her to identify and I also want her to admit her fear.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And she's like, you know.
Speaker #1
I didn't want to do it.
Speaker #0
I'm like, well, no. And I had to tell you, you know, it's because you're afraid. And hey, listen, you got to push yourself. You have to move past this. Your teacher is going to be there. And God is there with you. That's going to happen to you. You have to move past fear. And because on the other side of that is you get to swim. And there's good things through that. So it is recognizing where they are, but also telling her and helping her through that.
Speaker #1
That's absolutely right.
Speaker #0
Last one.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number four is going to be bringing up the past. Which we kind of talk about. A little bit, yes. So everybody has some sort of past typically coming into a relationship.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And so this can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. But an example would be I come to you and want to talk to you about a recent miscommunication that we had. And you instead say, well, you're always doing this. Or you bring up, well, blah, blah, blah happened two months ago. Right. And so you're bringing up something that. is obviously not resolved or something that you are still dealing with or still getting over from your past. And so it leads to obviously the person is not feeling heard because now another situation is put into the mix of the communication. It's distracting from what they're trying to bring to you. And it just makes them feel like you can't actually talk about what they're trying to bring up in that situation.
Speaker #0
If you are a... A friend of the podcast, if you are a long-time listener, you've heard this before, maybe forgotten about it, but I'm going to say it again, unresolved issues, buried alive, never die. So as you just said, you bring up the past because it has not been resolved. And so, sweetheart, you may be holding that on because you think, I don't want to upset him, but the more you bury it, the deeper it gets, the deeper root it takes, the harder it is for it to uproot. So you're carrying it around, carrying it around as it's festering and festering, and it will come out and always come back because it has not been resolved.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or if there's a behavior that's not changed or whatever it is, it's because it has not been resolved. So we have to work on, hey, if it takes all night, let's get this resolved. What needs to happen for us to move forward?
Speaker #1
Right. And again, use those, I feel this when this happens and try to actually listen to the person without, you know, blaming them or bringing up anything from the past. Let's address this one thing at a time, this specific situation. and I feel like for me that's that's easy to do. If you bring something up, I'm like, I've had it happen where I just automatically start thinking of other things that have happened. And so that's something I have to actively push myself. Okay. We're not talking about the last 10 years. We're talking about this specific situation. And so let's focus on that and work through that.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So do you need to forgive? Do you need to let go? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to give security? Do you need to give action steps? Do you need to give assurance? What needs to happen for this to move forward? Do we need counseling? Do we need a prayer? Do we need to step aside and do that? What needs to happen? And admit that and do it so that we can get resolution. And if you're holding on to something, let it go. if you need to forgive him forgive him or if you need to forgive her forgive her if you need to whatever needs to take place so that because you don't want to keep digging up old bones and right throwing darts and and accusing and throwing up dirt from the three years ago whatever happened that was supposed to be closed but it's still enclosed because you didn't close closure let's let's resolve that let's let's let's move past that um and and you'll you'll see improvement and change happen And trust reestablished.
Speaker #1
And you'll see that fruit.
Speaker #0
You will see that fruit because ultimately that's what we're about. We're about getting fruit and not having stale, old,
Speaker #1
sour things. Yes, we don't want that.
Speaker #0
Did you get anything from today's episode? Those four things? Do you feel like there's more mistakes people are making? What are some reasons you feel like you're not being heard or you know are not being heard? Please put in the comments. Let us know below. We will definitely respond to it. There are.
Speaker #1
uh five things you can do to get better connection that's a freebie for this week okay that'll be in the episode and it's five connections for busy couples that's right five connection habits that you can start today so it's a freebie download it right now read through the guide it also comes with a free habit tracker which is one of my favorite things to do keep track of that so grab that today freebie it'll be in the link in the show notes.
Speaker #0
It's free. It's free. It's free. So there's no reason, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get it. Go check it out. It's free. It's literally free. It's free. Did I mention it's free? It's free to download right now. It's free to download right now. So go do it. And also, while you're downloading, before you click off, thumbs up. You can do it. Thumbs up. Help us reach more and more people just like you. Thanks so much for listening, for watching. We appreciate it. And remember, next week we'll see you. But I was trying to say, Built the house. Have a great week. Have a nice.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Have you ever felt like you're talking to a brick wall in your relationship? You pour out your heart, you share your concerns, but it feels like your words are just bouncing off like rubber? Yes, yes. Well, today we're tackling that frustrating experience and uncovering the critical communication mistakes that often lead to feeling unheard. And by the end of this video, this podcast, You'll know the four ways. four mistakes that are being made that cause your spouse to feel unheard. Let's get into it right now. Well, welcome to the home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for clicking on that thumbnail and for watching the video. If you're watching or listening on. all of the podcast platforms across the land. iHeart, Spotify, Podcast, Stitcher, all of them. Thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. If you're new to the community, we are the Turners.
Speaker #1
We are.
Speaker #0
This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate, get to talking it out in your relationships. And if you get anything at all from this episode, Before you click off, give it a thumbs up.
Speaker #1
Give us a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. Let us know what you like. Keep it coming. Keep those comments coming.
Speaker #0
What's going on with you tonight?
Speaker #1
Just going with it.
Speaker #0
Yeah?
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
You got some energy?
Speaker #1
Yeah, I'm not too tired. I was earlier. Yeah,
Speaker #0
you were.
Speaker #1
You made a really good dinner and I was super full. Oh,
Speaker #0
I made a good dinner?
Speaker #1
You made a good dinner. I was super full.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Probably could have went to bed. But we're podcasting tonight.
Speaker #0
So does that mean that it was a good meal or we ate the wrong food because it made you sleepy?
Speaker #1
I thought it was pretty good. I ate a lot. You gave me a lot, and I couldn't even eat the amount you gave me, but I was trying. I was trying to eat them out because I wanted to show my gratitude.
Speaker #0
Okay. I would love to know if someone has any tips for getting children to try new food. That would be amazing. Please drop those in the comments. Anything you've seen work because I'm at a loss. We had hoagies tonight, steak hoagies. I mean, it wasn't nasty. It was really good. And the kids just couldn't try it.
Speaker #1
Well, Adley doesn't really like meat in general. Like I really have to push her to eat meat.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And which is bad too, because she's not eating veggies either. So I have to tell her you just have to eat it. You know, you have to give your body nutrients so you can't live on gum and, you know.
Speaker #0
Ice cream.
Speaker #1
Right. And ice. Ice, chocolate.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Whatever sugar she wants at the time.
Speaker #0
Sugar.
Speaker #1
But yes. So we're working on that. Jane usually eats.
Speaker #0
He'll try it. He'll at least try it.
Speaker #1
Eats meat at least. He's pretty a good meat eater. But, you know, I was super picky as a kid.
Speaker #0
I was picky as well.
Speaker #1
I'm still picky.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I've kind of grown out of it. Well, I just learned to just stick with what you know.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
Because I've had enough experimenting at restaurants. And I think our last experiment, which if you want to watch that on our playlist, it's called Indaco. We go to, oh, I called the restaurant's name out.
Speaker #1
Uh-oh.
Speaker #0
Oh, well.
Speaker #1
Rewind. Don't make the connection.
Speaker #0
But it's our date night in South End.
Speaker #1
Yes.
Speaker #0
I'll put the video at the end.
Speaker #1
I almost forgot about that one.
Speaker #0
When our end screen comes up. and i'll also put in the show notes but we go to that restaurant because you said the name yeah you said the name trendy place in south end and it just was not our it just wasn't ours you know it could be yours it's a lot of great ambiance great decor great server i'm sure the chef did his thing our taste buds was like it's not for us it's okay you're right everyone's pizza doesn't need you know refine, reduce. So let's get to today's episode.
Speaker #1
Let's go. So today we are talking about communication mistakes that you may be making or your partner may be making that is hurting you being feeling like you are being heard in your communication.
Speaker #0
How many of you out there are like, you know what? I don't feel heard. It's one of the number one things I hear. When I'm counseling, people are talking with couples. She's not listening or I don't feel she's not hearing me.
Speaker #1
Yes. I don't feel heard. I don't feel seen. And so this is a big issue that we see a lot. And so we are going to address it today so that you can change it in your relationship.
Speaker #0
And just because you're talking doesn't mean that you are saying something.
Speaker #1
Correct. Correct.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
Yes. And the same goes for simply talking or vocalizing your thoughts doesn't mean that your partner. is receiving your words or understanding what you're saying right so you're not being heard just because you're speaking no uh and again if you're new to the podcast we we take a a
Speaker #0
biblical foundation we take a biblical worldview and we try to sift the noise of what the world says and we say hey what does god's word say and we try to apply that to our lives because we believe That's where ultimate success comes. If you look at you with our t-shirts, we got some swag on that. If you plan it, sorry, if you pray it, then plan it. You can then pursue it. That's right. And that's where ultimate success is in our lives.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we're going to move on to. Yes.
Speaker #0
So Proverbs 17, 28, before you cut me off, but Proverbs 17, 28 says, even fools are thought wise if they keep silent. And discerning if they hold their tongues. In other words, hey, even a fool can, like, hold, be quiet at some times. It's because you're not, because you're saying something doesn't mean you're saying something of value. It's because you're being quiet doesn't mean you're being important or doing the right thing.
Speaker #1
Okay, got it.
Speaker #0
So there's got to be balance. You have to say the right thing at the right time and listen and be quiet at the right time. So, yes, number one, the first mistake was there. That's four of them. Uh, you are, uh, just speaking without intentionality and that's a big word, but just speaking is to be speaking.
Speaker #1
Right. So you're just saying words. You're very vague with what you're saying. Okay. You may be rambling. You're not speaking in specifics though. So for your partner to hear you, at least how you want to be heard, you know, you're just saying going on and on about something and not being specific. Give me an example. So an example would be, you know, one of the spouses saying. you know, I feel really stressed at work.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
So leaving it at that, expecting them to know what that truly means or what you need. And instead a better example would be, I'm really busy at work right now. I have a lot of deadlines I'm trying to meet. And so I could really just use some time to unwind and chill out tonight.
Speaker #0
So I feel this is one of your weak points.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is speaking parables.
Speaker #1
Okay. I'm like,
Speaker #0
give me specifics.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that a lot.
Speaker #0
What are you talking about? You're just talking about this stuff. Just like out there. Like I'm supposed to know what you're talking about. I'm not in your head. You're not. I'm not having this conversation you're having with yourself.
Speaker #1
You don't know what's in my head.
Speaker #0
No, I do not. Whether it's something at the store or whatever. What are you talking about? Back it up and rewind because you're making no sense.
Speaker #1
Yes, you have said that before. And I think in your case, you just want it straight to the point. What do I need to know? no more fluff yeah and sometimes people just want to talk and vent and get it out which goes along with the problem of this number one okay the rambling yeah and the vagueness and i will say let's just generalize for a second that women tend to speak more quote-unquote need okay right to vent to get it all out to speak it all out, to get those words out of their brain. Or some people even are like verbal processors. So I've heard that a lot. So they just need to talk it out. That's how they, that's how they, you know, work through their problems.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so just in a generalization, again, this isn't everybody, but women might just need to talk about their. circumstances.
Speaker #0
Drop it by the comments. Let us know. Do you feel like women need to talk about it or are you?
Speaker #1
I would say is okay. If it's followed up with you're not being as vague, right here, here's what I need you to know, or here's what I need you to hear from me. But I was going to also make that point of, you know, learning how to do that with your husband in an effective way. versus he's not going to understand. I'm just going to go call my best friend and vent to them about it.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And put that, you know, on your friend group versus learning how to communicate with your husband, letting him know what you actually need or what, you know, is, is going to make you feel heard in that situation.
Speaker #0
Yeah. I love the line. how to communicate with your husband because it's a completely different relationship and it's a completely different conversation it's a completely different approach versus the home girls or your brother or anyone else like how you communicate with your husband and we can reverse it don't worry calm down how to communicate with your wife it's different so we have to learn that and hopefully you learn some things from okay even from the resources we provide for you Like this free podcast to help you communicate in your relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. So we would instead coach you to be specific and intentional with your words when you're specifically speaking to your husband or your wife. And that will help because it's going to provide them with clear information, what they need to know, and it will allow them to really understand what you need and be actually able to support you. Right. So if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can maybe guess. at what might help me, but it's different if I say, you know, Hey babe, I just need an hour to unwind tonight away from the kids, just by myself. You would know, okay, you know what? I got you kids. We're going to go for a walk, babe, go upstairs and just take a bath.
Speaker #0
Actually need to know like the time.
Speaker #1
Okay. So even more specific, Hey, from seven o'clock to eight o'clock, I just need a chill out time. Are you okay with that?
Speaker #0
Got it. Got you. Right. I know what to do versus again, being very vague. I'm very. Part of me is being a man, part of it's being my makeup, part of it's being my background in production and just being on a timeline. Like, you give me a rundown, I got it. And so another way of being vague and we'll move on is just, you know, oh, you never listen. It's very vague.
Speaker #1
Very vague.
Speaker #0
Except instead of saying, I don't feel heard when you interrupt me as what just happened. Very, very specific. You know, get granular when we're talking about. things don't just throw out you never do this or you always do this right never listen okay let's get specific basically you're saying i don't feel heard that's kind of again we talk about the last episode but let's kind of change it from blaming to specific this is how i feel instances and that goes along with why we're not being heard absolutely number two go ahead all right number two number two the mistake is big one huge one interrupting right each other
Speaker #1
Talking over each other. Yes. Yes.
Speaker #0
You will not get heard.
Speaker #1
You will not get heard. Whether you're being the interrupter or somebody's interrupting you.
Speaker #0
Yes.
Speaker #1
You're not having clear communication.
Speaker #0
You have to stop it. Right. We have to be practical and make conscious, intentful effort to hush and hold it in here. Three H's. Hush, hold here.
Speaker #1
Hush, hold here.
Speaker #0
This came to me.
Speaker #1
So we see this a lot. But if... Somebody is starting to talk about an issue or concern that they may have, and the other person just jumps right in and they are like, okay, I'm going to solve this. So an example would be if I come to you and say, hey, I've seen that we've been spending a lot in our budget, this last monthly budget. And before I can even get another sentence out, you say, okay, we'll do no spend August. We're not spending anything. That'll be good. Move on.
Speaker #0
Or there's two things there. Because you got defensive. That's a great way. One reason people interrupt. Or you're assuming.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And you're like, that's not even where I was coming from. Okay, well, no, we're not spinning. Right.
Speaker #1
And so that interruption really actually makes the speaker feel like unimportant or that their opinion doesn't matter or their thoughts aren't valued. And it just. shuts down the flow of communication at times. So instead, like you said, we're going to do more active listening. We're going to let the person fully talk through. We talked about this in our last episode as well. If you want to check that out to actually let the person get their thought out, take a pause before you start, whatever you want to say next.
Speaker #0
Again, it's just let them finish. You know, you want, you want to be heard. We all want to be heard. We all want to voice our opinion and get our stuff in. So just be patient. And you might find that instead of interrupting, you may actually get the context of the conversation or get some other information before we prejudge and come to a conclusion that had we listened and then not trying to respond with our response in mind, but actually listen, oh, okay.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent. And then also talk back to them and say, so I hear that you're concerned about how we're spending our money. Tell me more details on that. Is there something specific or what is making you feel that way? Or what do you see in our... bank account that is worrying you. So speak back what you heard and then ask for more clarifying questions as well.
Speaker #0
And to pull from last episode, again, we keep referring to it. This is a good episode. You should check it out, but basically, you know, Hey, what needs to change in order for us to reach X amount in our bank account or what needs to change in order for this to be accomplished? You know, again, just digging deep, stop getting to the surface, but really, really communication is all about finding a common goal. and working towards it. So instead of speaking the vagueness or just the surface level, like really dig deep and say, okay, how, how, how can we work towards this together? What do you need from me? How can I provide that for you? We agreed. Okay. Yes. Okay. Now moving forward and repeat it. Okay. So, um, I'm going to cancel this subscription. You're going to do this with Z and then we're going to take X, Y, Z and put it over here. We have, we agreed. Yes. And then stick to it. Now, what happens if we agree and it doesn't happen? Someone breaks it. Then what?
Speaker #1
Then we go back to talking about, you know, what happened? Let's rehash this out. What went wrong? But going back to that, I really like how you said keep communicating and keep saying it over and over. I think sometimes you get annoyed with me because I like the validation. No,
Speaker #0
I get annoyed. I accuse you. I mean, I interrupted you. I get annoyed when I get asked a question I feel like you should know.
Speaker #1
You just said you were in my head. I'm not in your head.
Speaker #0
No, it's like you asked me something like either I was going to the store or something. I'm like, what?
Speaker #1
I don't know. I'm just saying I like continuous validation of yes, this is what we're doing. Because sometimes you'll be like, I already said that. Like I said that once. You should know it.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
And so. For me, I think it's important to revalidate or re-go over what we're doing because it solidifies, okay, I know I'm in the right place because I don't want to not be in the right place.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I think you were like, are you cooking dinner? And I'm like, I just said that. I'm like, no.
Speaker #1
Or you could just say, yeah, I'm cooking dinner.
Speaker #0
I'm getting there. I'm not all. I'm not still yet perfected in that area. I'm just like, I just told you this. Why are you asking me this question? And then my sarcasm will come back.
Speaker #1
I was going to say, it's the sarcasm.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Does that crush your spirit?
Speaker #1
Yeah, sometimes. Like, why do you have to say that?
Speaker #0
Because you asked me a question. You should know. I just told you.
Speaker #1
But you just said you should know.
Speaker #0
I just told you I'm going downstairs to like.
Speaker #1
I'm just making sure I heard it right.
Speaker #0
Okay. Well, and the other part I wanted to say before we move on is like, sometimes you can, again, from my last episode, things that happened in your past. Well, so-and-so used to do this to me. And so because they were sarcastic or because they had ill intention, well, then Jennifer must be doing the same thing. And that's not the case.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
So we be very, very careful when we're mama said men are like this or, you know, influencer said this and that. And we're prejudging.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
And we're assuming that because they said something that it's got to be that way and it might not be that way.
Speaker #1
Love that.
Speaker #0
Go ahead.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number three is going to be diminishing or minimizing the other person's feelings.
Speaker #0
100%.
Speaker #1
So someone may share how they feel.
Speaker #0
Yep.
Speaker #1
For an example, someone may be sharing their disappointment about a setback and the other spouse response. Oh, that's not a big deal. You'll get over it. It's fine.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
You know, so the problem with that is that it invalidates the speaker's emotions. So they may not always be quote unquote right about how they feel, but you want to at least make sure that they know you've heard what they're saying or trying to get across about their feelings, especially when they're trying to get a little bit deeper. We talked about that in the last episode as well. I'm feeling this because of this. You don't want to just completely brush aside. what they're trying to get across to you. So instead, an actionable step for that one would be to actually validate, okay, I hear that you're saying you're disappointed about this. Let's talk through that a little bit more. You know, you might not agree with how they feel, especially as a Christian couple, they may feel something that, you know, God in God's word is the opposite. And so you can say, you know, I hear that you're saying you feel. disappointed where this is what actually god says about the situation for example great great point i want you to say it again because maybe they're having an emotion
Speaker #0
And we're talking about feeling a lot. It's like, I know you feel afraid here, and then this is where you kick it in and support them. But remember, God says this. Remember, the promise says this. So even though you may feel afraid, God is with us. He's got it. Even though the budget looks like this, the scripture says this. And so make sure that each other, we're pushing the promise. We're uplifting the word of God over the circumstance. And that we stand in faith, even though we may feel something, we're not going to be moved by that.
Speaker #1
Absolutely. And so what that does, instead of just shutting them down and pushing them away because you're saying, don't worry about it or don't feel that way, right? You're actually helping to support them and you're building that trust. Okay, I feel like I can come to you with anything, even if it's not how I'm supposed to feel. I can come to you and you can help me out of that. Like you can be the leader. and push me to where God has me to be versus how the world's trying to pull me aside. So that is, you know, the opposite side of it.
Speaker #0
I would encourage you that, especially for parents to really take that into practice, because the worst thing you want to do is push your child away. Ephesians 6 and 3 is like, hey, you know, fathers don't provoke your kids to wrath. So I would much rather them come to me with an issue or come to me with an emotion. Even if it's not in line with God's word, but I would much rather them come to me and express that. And we pray through it, then them hold that and then go out somewhere and then either act upon that or take refuge in the wrong place because they were afraid. I'm going to shut them down. I'm going to condemn them. So by all means, make your home a Haven, hence Oak Haven, home to Haven, where there's peace. There is love. There is restoration. There is. comfort, there is joy, you know, work towards being that man, work towards being that woman that your family feels safe in expressing themselves. And if none other than that, they know they can get prayer and get, you know, comfort in God's word.
Speaker #1
Yes. They need to be able to feel safe enough to trust you enough to be able to actually talk to you.
Speaker #0
An example of that is, you know, today, I know it's not a husband and wife, it's a parent, but Allie, they're taking swimming lessons and she had a difficult time today. Didn't want to do floating on her back. Am I correct?
Speaker #1
Correct.
Speaker #0
Okay. And so my thing was like, hey, why are you doing this? And I'm asking her these questions because I want her to identify and I also want her to admit her fear.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And she's like, you know.
Speaker #1
I didn't want to do it.
Speaker #0
I'm like, well, no. And I had to tell you, you know, it's because you're afraid. And hey, listen, you got to push yourself. You have to move past this. Your teacher is going to be there. And God is there with you. That's going to happen to you. You have to move past fear. And because on the other side of that is you get to swim. And there's good things through that. So it is recognizing where they are, but also telling her and helping her through that.
Speaker #1
That's absolutely right.
Speaker #0
Last one.
Speaker #1
All right. Mistake number four is going to be bringing up the past. Which we kind of talk about. A little bit, yes. So everybody has some sort of past typically coming into a relationship.
Speaker #0
Right.
Speaker #1
And so this can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. But an example would be I come to you and want to talk to you about a recent miscommunication that we had. And you instead say, well, you're always doing this. Or you bring up, well, blah, blah, blah happened two months ago. Right. And so you're bringing up something that. is obviously not resolved or something that you are still dealing with or still getting over from your past. And so it leads to obviously the person is not feeling heard because now another situation is put into the mix of the communication. It's distracting from what they're trying to bring to you. And it just makes them feel like you can't actually talk about what they're trying to bring up in that situation.
Speaker #0
If you are a... A friend of the podcast, if you are a long-time listener, you've heard this before, maybe forgotten about it, but I'm going to say it again, unresolved issues, buried alive, never die. So as you just said, you bring up the past because it has not been resolved. And so, sweetheart, you may be holding that on because you think, I don't want to upset him, but the more you bury it, the deeper it gets, the deeper root it takes, the harder it is for it to uproot. So you're carrying it around, carrying it around as it's festering and festering, and it will come out and always come back because it has not been resolved.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Or if there's a behavior that's not changed or whatever it is, it's because it has not been resolved. So we have to work on, hey, if it takes all night, let's get this resolved. What needs to happen for us to move forward?
Speaker #1
Right. And again, use those, I feel this when this happens and try to actually listen to the person without, you know, blaming them or bringing up anything from the past. Let's address this one thing at a time, this specific situation. and I feel like for me that's that's easy to do. If you bring something up, I'm like, I've had it happen where I just automatically start thinking of other things that have happened. And so that's something I have to actively push myself. Okay. We're not talking about the last 10 years. We're talking about this specific situation. And so let's focus on that and work through that.
Speaker #0
Yeah. So do you need to forgive? Do you need to let go? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to give security? Do you need to give action steps? Do you need to give assurance? What needs to happen for this to move forward? Do we need counseling? Do we need a prayer? Do we need to step aside and do that? What needs to happen? And admit that and do it so that we can get resolution. And if you're holding on to something, let it go. if you need to forgive him forgive him or if you need to forgive her forgive her if you need to whatever needs to take place so that because you don't want to keep digging up old bones and right throwing darts and and accusing and throwing up dirt from the three years ago whatever happened that was supposed to be closed but it's still enclosed because you didn't close closure let's let's resolve that let's let's let's move past that um and and you'll you'll see improvement and change happen And trust reestablished.
Speaker #1
And you'll see that fruit.
Speaker #0
You will see that fruit because ultimately that's what we're about. We're about getting fruit and not having stale, old,
Speaker #1
sour things. Yes, we don't want that.
Speaker #0
Did you get anything from today's episode? Those four things? Do you feel like there's more mistakes people are making? What are some reasons you feel like you're not being heard or you know are not being heard? Please put in the comments. Let us know below. We will definitely respond to it. There are.
Speaker #1
uh five things you can do to get better connection that's a freebie for this week okay that'll be in the episode and it's five connections for busy couples that's right five connection habits that you can start today so it's a freebie download it right now read through the guide it also comes with a free habit tracker which is one of my favorite things to do keep track of that so grab that today freebie it'll be in the link in the show notes.
Speaker #0
It's free. It's free. It's free. So there's no reason, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't get it. Go check it out. It's free. It's literally free. It's free. Did I mention it's free? It's free to download right now. It's free to download right now. So go do it. And also, while you're downloading, before you click off, thumbs up. You can do it. Thumbs up. Help us reach more and more people just like you. Thanks so much for listening, for watching. We appreciate it. And remember, next week we'll see you. But I was trying to say, Built the house. Have a great week. Have a nice.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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