Transcription

• Speaker #0

  I want you to think about the last time you had a real conversation with your spouse, not about the kids, not about money, not about your schedule, but a real conversation, one you felt heard and actually known. When was it? Was it last week, last month, last year? If we're being honest, maybe we can't even remember. We hear that a lot. So today, I want to talk about how this thing that we call peace really isn't peace. It's actually a drift and stick around because by the... In the episode, we're going to tell you what that costs you, but more importantly, how you can overcome it. Stay tuned. Well, welcome, everyone. That's you to the Home to Haven podcast. We are so thankful you've tuned in and joined in, whether you're watching on YouTube or listening around any of the major audio podcast platforms. We are the Turners, and this is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. If you get anything from today's episode that uplifts you, encourages you, and gives you some points, hey, give us a like, subscribe, thumbs up, rate, and review. It would do us great to help us reach more people just like you.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. Thank you so much for joining. We're excited to be podcasting again and get back into it.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, it's been a while.

• Speaker #1

  It's been a little bit.

• Speaker #0

  We had, it's been a summer.

• Speaker #1

  We had a great summer,

• Speaker #0

  a summer to remember.

• Speaker #1

  So nothing bad, but we were super busy doing some really fun stuff.

• Speaker #0

  And I wish I was, well, I guess I'm going to say I wish I was the kids, but I kind of was there.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. The kids definitely for sure had some great weeks this summer.

• Speaker #0

  It was a epic summer. So we've been off with our family, spending time praying, planning it and pursuing it. And so we're here with you ready to get back and lock in.

• Speaker #1

  how to communicate with with one another how to communicate with one another and what does silence really mean is silence a good thing sometimes it it seems peaceful for me we talked about this because we stopped talking and called it peace that's the title of today's episode and so is

• Speaker #0

  it really peace whenever a couple stops talking i know one of our default um comfortable go-to go-to's is to pull away withdraw right and to be silent Um, why is that?

• Speaker #1

  Go to our separate little areas. I think that's just my like gut reaction of what to do. Cause I draw away. I turn inward, right? Like I'm an introvert. So let me,

• Speaker #0

  let me stop. Let me preface this.

• Speaker #1

  Okay.

• Speaker #0

  When do we, when does this happen? Okay. Cause we're not just being silent. Typically what happens when we pull away and get silent,

• Speaker #1

  right? Typically, I think what you're referring to is when we have a disagreement and there's something, there's something that's really causing some tension between us. And so... both of us seem to, especially myself, withdraw, go kind of off to my own little area. And for me, that is peaceful, right? Like I'm by myself. It's quiet. I can think through my thoughts. I can really take time to process what you said or what happened and regather my thoughts. I'm not very good at like in the moment responding, knowing what I need to say, want to say. And so that's just my natural reaction. I think you as well have said that you tend to withdraw too. If you feel like hurt or disrespected or something along those lines.

• Speaker #0

  I'm not one who is very confrontational. I have no problem saying, go ahead, let you win. Let you think you're whoever that, you know, is, you know, I'm just not one for confrontation. And so I've grown in the area. I'm okay to having the difficult conversations, but also with you and I, it's like, I don't always want to have to be the one who bends and gives in and says, okay, And I want you to like. care and say, okay, well, hey, how can I make this correct? Or, hey, can we talk about this? What was the misunderstanding and kind of drill into it. And so also I'm also like, well, if you're quiet, I can be quiet. Let's see how long this thing goes.

• Speaker #1

  And it can go a long time because we both feel the same way. But I do want to mention, you just said you want me to care.

• Speaker #0

  Yes. And because I feel your silence is you not care.

• Speaker #1

  Right. And from my point of view, the only reason I'm acting like that is because I care so much because if I didn't care about it, you know, it wouldn't bother me or wouldn't upset me or wouldn't make me so emotional.

• Speaker #0

  So what I'm hearing you say is my being silence because I care so much. I will not be saying anything.

• Speaker #1

  Well, I just don't know what to say or like I'm not ready to say it yet or whatever it may be, but... The reason I'm getting so upset or like... bothered by it is because I care so deeply. I'm always like, you're the only one that can mess me up like that.

• Speaker #0

  Okay. So that typically is how, you know, we've heard, you know, that people who are close to you are the ones who can kind of get those emotional reactions out of you. It's because we are in real relationship with them. And it's why it's important that you have content like this to help you navigate the challenge and navigate communicating.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Is there a such thing, I think the danger is that science can become comfortable and that's when it becomes dangerous when we don't care and as you just said it can go a long time right and part of me wants to know like how long can this go i think our record is like three days but like how long would it go before it cracked or would we literally just go a week two weeks

• Speaker #1

  Well, I think that's what we're even getting into in this episode is that it can start to get more familiar of just we're just not talking about the deep stuff. We're just going to you do your thing. I do my thing. We're getting the chores done. We're living our life. We're going to work. And so couples can get in that routine, a new routine of where silence and the sense of we're not talking about anything deep. We're not discussing how we feel. We're not discussing anything that's true and important to our relationship. And so they instead just start kind of like a parallel path of just living together. And they might think, yeah, we're fine. We're not yelling at each other. We're not screaming at each other. We're not fighting in a sense. And we're just living our lives, but we're getting to a point where we're not living it as a couple, truly intentional with each other. And it's just side by side. So that's what we want to talk about today is if we're silent, is that peace or is that drifting apart?

• Speaker #0

  I think you mentioned does that necessarily actually mean physical silence. The silence can actually be, we're not talking about the things that matter. We're not coming together, discussing God's word. We're not talking about issues. We're kind of avoiding those. And that happens a whole lot because in like in my instance, there's fear. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to hurt you. I'm afraid of your reaction. It's not going to be received. I'll leave it alone. I won't bring this up because every time I say this, this happens or whenever I talk about this. You go there. It's always something. So, and we stay silent. And you've heard me say this before, but unresolved issues buried alive, never die. They always resurface because we haven't taken the time to actually talk through, pray through, cry through, silent through, yell through.

• Speaker #1

  Do something that actually works through that wall that we're hitting. And get past that silence. And instead of just thinking, okay, we're fine. We're good. we're doing fine, like we're okay, but really we're turning into more roommates than partners in life.

• Speaker #0

  So peace is something that we need to understand comes from God. So I can't just call, well, I'm going to keep the peace. So I'm not going to say anything. Well, because we got to understand what caused this silence, because of the silence comes from confusion. That's not of God. If the silence comes from anger, that's not of God. If the silence is coming from, um, hurt. That's not from God. So peace comes from God and his word. He said, the peace that I give you, I leave you, not as the world give it, but I give you this peace, Jesus said. So we understand that every good and perfect gift comes from him. So if I'm truly, there's peace in my house, if there truly is this atmosphere where the presence of God is, that's the kind of peace we're talking about. Not this, we're turning our heads, walking away.

• Speaker #1

  Exactly. And sweeping it under the rug and everything's fine. I'll just keep on doing, you know, work and kids and all of that. And you keep doing your stuff. We're cordial to each other, right? We're not, you know, yelling at each other throughout the day. And we kind of, is that the way we're supposed to be going? Because at least it feels not, you know, it still feels a bit calm.

• Speaker #0

  You can have peace even in the midst of, I would say, chaos. We see this in the scripture where. There was a storm in the middle of the storm, in the middle of the waves, in the middle of the water being boisterous. The scripture says Jesus, first of all, he was asleep in the boat. And then we also see another example of him walking on the water and walking in the midst of a storm. And so in the midst of bills and chores and kids schedules and deliveries and Amazon deliveries and, you know, all these different things, we can still walk in the peace of God. We can still have the peace of God. How? We stick his word and get in his presence. None of this other stuff matters. Why? Because my heart and my mind has stayed upon him. It's kept upon him. And so how is it that. Even with our schedules, you've got a busy schedule. I have a busy schedule. And we have these couples who have these high performing schedules. For sure. If we don't come together, we'll fall into this trap of, you've heard this, you've said it three times now, becoming roommates. And now we're just existing, living together. And maybe we're on our phones at night in the bed.

• Speaker #1

  Absolutely.

• Speaker #0

  Scrolling through the doom scrolling, but not actually saying what's going on with you.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. So really... you need to understand that you have to be intentional about it. You have to actually be working towards that, knowing what to do first and foremost, because otherwise you're not going to get to, to building your relationship, right? It has to be intentional. It has to be purposeful, which is what our whole point is here at OKVM to pray it, plan it and pursue it. And like you said before, I think that's a really crucial point is that you have to start with the word of God. You have to start with a prayer. You have to start with. Finding that peace through the Lord, because if you don't have that yourself, how are you going to be able to bring that into the relationship and work together as a team with Jesus at the center?

• Speaker #0

  I think you also one important key that I want to make known is you have to want to be a good communicator.

• Speaker #1

  OK,

• Speaker #0

  you have to want to be understood. And if there is that silence is, you know, why is this happening? How am I contributing to the tension? and own that and then work through getting better to that and saying what are defensive walls i'm still going back to this this point of i'm silent because i'm afraid of the reaction yes i'm afraid of what's going to happen the response yes and so what are some things that maybe you have done to kind of break through that ice when you were afraid of my response and how i would receive you what encouraged or helped you come forward and be courageous, I guess, if that's the word.

• Speaker #1

  Right. I would say, honestly, you've helped me the most because you have been the one that has taken that first step and saying, hey, I'm not here to fight you. I'm not here to work against you. I'm here. We're on the same team. Like, I still love you. We can work through this. And that's given me, you know, the confidence and the just the ability to work through that. But ultimately, knowing if you want to go really deep, like knowing that you're worth and everything is through the Lord and not through you. So I'm going to live as the Lord would want me to live and I would live to glorify him in my life. So what am I doing that is a response of that? What am I what are my actions in doing that? Because I like how you said before, everybody wants to be heard. Everybody wants to be understood. But do they want to be a good communicator? Do they want to be what their husband or wife needs? Do they want to learn those skills through what the Bible teaches as well as what specifically their spouse needs? Do you want that? Because that's ultimately more important in your relationship than just you making sure you get heard, you get seen, you get your point across. And so having that grounded in the word of the Lord. And through prayer has helped me just have that inner peace and that inner knowing to be able to respond to you. But I will say you've done a great job as a husband in taking that ultimately that first step. So it also sets that example for me. And now I've worked through those things before. So if it ever happened again, I know, well, now I can do that as well. Like, I know what that looks like now because it's hard to do when you've never seen that. modeled or never seen that like shown to you before.

• Speaker #0

  Great point that when you've been in an atmosphere, whether it's through childhood, through adolescence, through adulthood, and you haven't been in a healthy environment atmosphere, it is difficult to model that. And that is why Paul says, I got to put off the old things and become a new creature in Christ Jesus and allow God's word to help teach us how we communicate. So I want to leave with something today before we sign off of how to move past like the surface level of conversations. One of the things is when you come home, you know, don't just say, well, how was your day? Cause more than likely she's going to say, fine, it was great.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  How was yours? Fine. And that is so surface and then off you guys go to your separate rooms. So it could be, you know, what made you laugh today or what was the most challenging part of your day? Was there anything that was challenging to, how did you overcome that? I remember you said something about last week about this project. How's that going? Right. Is it on track? Is it off? How can I support you? You know, really going into some other questions versus. What'd you get me for lunch? How you feeling? How you feeling? Yeah. Good? Okay, great. Great.

• Speaker #1

  We're good.

• Speaker #0

  Great. And because that's the kind of questions that strangers ask or people who are at co-workers who are like, how you doing? Fine. No one really wants to know how you're doing and no one actually goes into it. No one really tells the truth. When you sign on to your meeting, you're like, how you doing? Actually, I'm glad you asked because, you know, no one really goes into how they're doing. So you've really got to be sensitive. And I want to challenge my guys here. When you have this connection with your father, the Holy Spirit I'm talking about now, and, you know, the Bible says how he reveals us to all truth. And so there were a few weeks ago where I looked into your eyes and I'm like, you're not right. There's something going on here. And what I mean by that is, you know, you came home and your face was red. It was white. You had some stuff going on.

• Speaker #1

  Okay.

• Speaker #0

  and come to find out you had heat exhaustion but being able to be sensitive and being able to be discerning to know right that can help and will help your communication and help you to be that person that leader to give your wife the confidence she can come to you open

• Speaker #1

  up her heart and you'll be receptive to it that's great because pursuing your spouse in the beginning of a relationship is very very exciting everything's new you're constantly doing it right you're like When can we hang out on the phone till midnight? You hang up. You hang up. Yeah, that's good. When can we go go out again? Like, what do you want to do this weekend? And it's still like new and fun and exciting. And we want to make sure that over time we don't just allow that to slowly drift away as that's what's supposed to happen. Or that's just how marriage ends up being. You really have to put that intention in that pursuit through everything you're doing in your relationship. So. those daily intentional things.

• Speaker #0

  I was going to say, what are some ways then can we, you talked about pursuit of being intentional. So what are some ways we can reconnect, close this drift and how I'm, you know, how am I being intentful in my communication with my spouse?

• Speaker #1

  I always go back to questions. Questions are one of our favorite things that we did dating, but do we still do that now? Are we still, you, you threw out a few really good examples, but are we really asking each other questions? in our day-to-day life that actually matter or really learn more about each other? Are we developing a deeper relationship with the things we're asking and showing? And then obviously making time to be together, just me and you, whether it's at home or out of the house, making sure we're praying together, that we're both seeking the Lord separately as well. Of course, going back to making sure we're praying over our marriage, we're planning for things to do together and we're pursuing each other with questions and activities and things like that.

• Speaker #0

  I'm going to say a start right there. The first place is we got to go through to our O'Kaven pillars is to pray it. So the first thing is you maybe you don't know where to start with conversation. I don't even know what questions to ask or it just seems awkward or maybe the drift is so far apart. we've been icicles for so long, we don't even know how to communicate, then come together and say, we're going to start with opening up the scripture and maybe read Psalms 23. Start with the Psalms, start with Psalms one, start with Psalms 91, start with Psalms 100, and just pray that together and read God's word together and let that become the conversation starter, because that's going to eliminate the other stuff, all the tension and all the, he doesn't understand in this. When we come around the Word of God, when we get ourselves aligned with the Word of God, that's the pillar, that's the foundation that will cause us to stand and overcome anything that may be challenging in our lives. So pray that helped you in some way, shape, or form. If you got anything out of the episode, thumbs up, like, subscribe, or comment. Let us know maybe some questions you need or some conversation things you have going on. Let us know. We'd love to hear from you. One of the things that we have accomplished and got for you to help you start is our five. powerful prayers. I talked about praying together and coming around the word of God together. This is a starting point that will get the conversation going. But more importantly, no matter where you are in your relationship, these five powerful prayers will help you communicate and help you really cover your partner in the word of God.

• Speaker #1

  And what a relationship needs. So it's not just basic vague prayers, but it gives you five subjects. It gives you specific prayers, the scriptures that it. are founded on. And it gives you just a place to start at a place to begin and start praying those things. Even if you're doing it yourself, even if your spouse isn't on board yet, it will still make a huge difference. If you are doing that yourself and praying over your marriage, especially these five powerful prayers for your relationship.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. Don't be discouraged. If you feel like I'm alone or by myself, listen, we've got you. We're going to hear, hear, support you. And we You know, God is doing the work in your spouse to go to. to ohavencompany.com slash five prayers. Of course, the link is in the description or in the show notes. Click on that, download it. It's free and begin to pray those today and you will see some positive change happen in your life and in your relationship. Again, hey, thanks so much for joining us, for listening. You can find us all over the place, ohavencompany.com. Of course, just anywhere, search Home to Haven. We'll pop up, share the link, copy text to someone. who will be a great benefit from this conversation. We'll see you next week. Remember, until then, that wisdom builds the house. God bless.