132 | The Mental Load That's Wrecking Christian Marriages | Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Description

Who remembers the school forms are due? Who notices the toilet paper's almost gone before it's actually gone? In most homes, one spouse is quietly carrying the entire mental spreadsheet of the household, and the other doesn't even know it exists.

This week on Home to Haven, we're talking about the mental load, why "just ask me for help" misses the point, and the exercise that makes invisible work visible again.

By the end, you'll have one shift you can make tonight to start rebalancing it, no argument required.

🙏 Free resource:

5 Powerful Prayers Every Christian Couple Needs → oakhavencompany.com/5prayers

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Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Quick question, in your household right now, who knows when the school forms are due? Who notices when the last roll of toilet paper is running out? Who's got that entire mental spreadsheet of the family running around? I'm talking about appointments, birthdays, what's for dinner, cars, inspections, all that good stuff. It's probably one name that comes to mind. Here's the truth, it's not that the other person doesn't care, it's that carrying the plan for an entire household is... quietly become one person's full-time unpaid job. Today, we're talking all about the mental load and why it's doing more damage to marriages than most arguments could ever do. And by the end of today's episode, you'll know how to name that one thing and without turning it into a fight, the one shift you can make today and start rebalancing. Stick around. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in and for clicking that thumbnail for Del on the episode. However you are watching or listening, we are so glad you're here. We are the Turners. This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So listen, if you get anything from today's conversation, all we ask is a like, thumbs up, rate, and review to help. bring this content to more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you all for joining. Be sure to give us a like, subscribe, keep those comments coming. We love to hear some feedback. Yes, we do. What you're enjoying, what you want to hear more of. If you agree, disagree, we love it all. So keep those coming. We appreciate all the support so far.
Speaker #0
That's right. Drop the comments below or you can always email us high at okmccompany.com. We will respond and maybe add your question or topic. All right. To the lineup.
Speaker #1
Those are our favorites.
Speaker #0
Those are absolutely our favorites. If you're watching on YouTube, we've got some weird things on the table. Well, not weird, but...
Speaker #1
Out of the ordinary. They're not usually there on the table.
Speaker #0
They're not there on the table. And they kind of match, but they don't kind of match. But there are candles that we had from date night.
Speaker #1
Yes, so we had a fun new date night that I chose. Of course. And you came along. I did. Try something new, so... I'd had it on my list for a little while. And since it's getting into the fall season, we went and we made our own candles. So we got to mix our own scent. We got to pick our vessel, as they called it. So that's why you see a couple out there. But it was super fun.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So we got to pick our scents. You think yours is the best? I think they're both pretty good. They are. The person that was helping us actually liked them both as well. Yep. Maybe they'll start selling them. Who knows?
Speaker #0
Definitely different, but I think they smell pretty good, and we shall see.
Speaker #1
All righty.
Speaker #0
All right.
Speaker #1
Do we want to light one and see the scent during the?
Speaker #0
Why not?
Speaker #1
Okay. Do we want to do yours? And is yours first?
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
These are super long wicks, so we'll see how it goes. But as I'm lighting this.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Hopefully it'll work, but.
Speaker #0
So it's got to burn a long time. Yeah.
Speaker #1
So this might be a. a bad decision. If you're watching, you'll get to see if you're listening, we're getting to the topic. What's our topic today?
Speaker #0
Our topic is why do I have to ask? It's all about the mental load that typically one person is carrying in the relationship. Can I get a, what does anybody know about that one person who has the mental load?
Speaker #1
Okay. Okay. And who is that typically? Is there usually, is it usually the wife? Is it usually the husband or you think it kind of can change based on you guys tell us.
Speaker #0
All right. So what do you guys think? Who typically carries the mental load? Because it could vary. It could be a guy. It could be.
Speaker #1
And when we say mental load, that's really the invisible job of managing, remembering, knowing, having all of that up in your head and being being the one that is keeping everything running, that knows what's going on, when to do what and all of those things. So it's also... And insinuating that the other person doesn't really know that stuff. So one person is carrying the mental load much more than the other person.
Speaker #0
Is that by choice? Is that by design? Is that by relationship? Why does it seem to be that one person is carrying that mental load of all the things that have to be done or need to be done?
Speaker #1
I definitely don't think it's by design. I don't think the person that feels like they're carrying the mental load right now would say, yeah, I totally signed up for that. I love doing that. I love being the one that. Everything is on me because when we talk about. The mental load, especially in recent times when it's really become more popular, it's more of a burden. So that's why we say the mental load, like it's putting a lot of work on someone's shoulders or you're carrying that burden and it feels like you're carrying it alone. And so it's kind of by default. We feel like we have to know this stuff. We have to get this stuff done in order for our family to function or our household to run. So if the other person isn't doing it, I'm going to go ahead and do it and make sure it gets done. And or maybe that's how the household responsibilities have kind of fallen in the relationship. So maybe one person's kind of just taken the role to do certain things and the other person's kind of kind of I got to make sure everything else is getting done. And so just kind of piles on as life happens. Kids are around, families around, works around. And so that load just seemingly gets heavier and heavier as time goes by.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that we have seen is this can be, that's why I asked, was it by design? Because there are certain personality types. There are certain times where you can take on too much and you may be trying to drive or you may feel like, oh, this person isn't doing it to my standards or how I think it should be done. So therefore I'm taking on or I'm going to own this and you end up taking on more than you can bear. So that's something to really be cautious about. It's important that we are. talking to one another as a team and not putting one another down. You should be doing this or I'm doing this and belittling if I'm doing all of this. Hey, look at me because maybe you shouldn't. Or one of my favorite comedians, he talked about like in marriage, how women would get all worked up about the laundry and why are you, why are you closing the floor? And she, he's like, just walk over it. You know, why are you getting so bent out of shape? Just don't do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Like they're putting that burden on themselves. Correct. Is that standard really, really completely necessary? You know, can we have some give and take? Can we have some compromise with expectations is what I hear you explaining that through.
Speaker #0
So if this is your first time listening and you want to say thank you, one of the things about this particular conversation is we always want to give perspective, advice. point you towards the word of God. We truly believe that ultimate success in the life of a believer is found in the word of God, that God's word gives us a blueprint for success and it's specifically for relationships. So in Galatians 6 and 2, the Bible says that we are to carry each other's burdens. And in this way, when you do this, you will fulfill the law or the word of Christ. And so it's important God gives us a command that I carry. You and that you carry me, that we come together and work together and that there is no load. There isn't some one person kind of trying to manage the finances, trying to manage the kids schedule, trying to manage the teachers and the emails and the grocery list and the car oil and the soccer practice and the chilling schedules and the football schedule. Like that's a lot for one person and it will drive a wedge. you in your relationship when only one person is doing this. And what I've seen is, oh, well, husband, I'm working, I'm managing all my calendars and all my emails and projects and AI, and we got to do this. And I got this big presentation and she's like, well, I'm managing the household. So he feels like he's doing his part with the job. And she feels like, well, I'm doing this with the house and I'm not getting with the job at home. And he's like, well, I'm doing the stuff at the, at the jump.
Speaker #1
to give you the house to manage and there's this disconnect and this warring back and forth and we're not really hearing and listening to what's beyond the complaint right and what's beyond the surface level because first of all has that ever been talked through at all like has that just been the default of this is what you need to get done you're gonna say do we have a conversation of here are your responsibilities here are my responsibilities i know a lot of times when
Speaker #0
dating, cohabitating. We're not talking about that. Or even in marriage specifically, well, I will take this bill, you take that bill, the whole joint finances versus the split accounts and dividing of bills, all that great stuff. So is there a conversation of, do we have a conversation of, well, you'll take this and I'll take this? I think we did talk about in dating, you'll do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Right. I was just going to say. Well, let's share some of the things that we did talk through that are kind of still in place or if things have kind of shifted over the 11 years. So I remember when we were dating, we were asking each other, like, what's your most despised chore? And you were like, I hate laundry. And you're like, I just don't like doing it.
Speaker #0
I hate the dishes.
Speaker #1
Well, you told me laundry back then. Okay.
Speaker #0
And so I was like,
Speaker #1
I don't mind laundry. Like, I can do the laundry. I'm happy to take over your laundry. I'm used to doing my own. And so I was like, good with that. And then, you know, what do you not mind doing? I was like, I hate cleaning bathrooms. And you're like, I don't mind doing that. And so we kind of shared it that way. So we were helping each other out. And then as years have gone by, I'm pretty much the one that handles the month to month finances. You're good with that. I'm good with that. We have our meeting budget meetings. And then you handle everything, for example, related to outside, like the yard and trees and bushes and things like that. I have no idea when the next time somebody is going to come and cut the grass, whereas you handle all that. So we have talked about it for sure. I don't think it will ever be a great system if you never talk about it. It's something that you definitely need to have conversations around.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You have to talk about who does what and how it gets done and why it gets done. When is it going to get done? And that way one person isn't doing all these things and you don't feel overwhelmed. The important thing is if you can try to feel overwhelmed, it can be an attack from the enemy, right? To pull you away and to weigh you down with the cares of this life and the cares of the world. That's why it's so important to fill your heart up with prayer and stay in the presence of God so that you can get refilled. And where I'm going with that is it's important that you... that you encourage one another, that you acknowledge like, hey, I see you've done all this great job. Thanks for picking up the drag lane today. Or hey, thank you for going above and beyond and X, Y, Z, so that you both recognize, hey, we're both working hard. We're both in this. We're doing things, but we both acknowledge our part and our contributions. Now we're one to our household and then to each other. And so that plays a key part. I'd encourage you to get in of saying like, hey, where can you have, where can I support you this week? Where do you need me to pick up some things this month or whatever, probably week to week. And that helps with the carrying of the load. We had to mail out a planner. So thank you again for ordering our relationship vision planner, which helps you keep on track with your day to day and month to month. uh things but more important the planner brings you together as a couple uh and we we had to ship one out and uh i was like hey it was an overnight order and i was like hey i can really go down the street to ups and get it done you're like well no i'll do it on my lunch break so again just offering like assistance and i'm here to support if you need something or if it's like hey i can't do it this week or i can't do it today because i have xyz commitment but i can do this don't just ever say, I can't do this and not offer.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
a alternative.
Speaker #1
Right. For sure. I think it's really helpful that we have our week to week check-in. So it's not something that goes for a few weeks and you've never said anything to each other about anything. When you have that routine weekly check-in, that just becomes part of your normal process of checking in with what logistics do we have going on? How are we helping each other? Because it is as a team. Because if one person is feeling like they're carrying the mental load. A hundred percent. And they bring that up and the other person responds with something along the lines of, well, just ask me and I'll help you out. That can fall flat because in the person that's already carrying things, they see that as, OK, well, now I just have more work to do. I have to let you know what to do. I have to make sure you're doing it. I have to follow up with you. So that's even adding a mental load to what you already have. versus working together as a team and coming up with a solution of, okay, you're going to get this. I don't have to micromanage you. I don't check in with you every month and say, did you schedule the long guy? You don't have to check in with me every month. Did you pay the TV bill? Did you make sure to pay tuition for the kids? I handle that. You know it's handled, but I know that that has been designated for me. And same as for you. So that's a way to really share versus putting it all in one person.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And even as you said that, I kind of felt the court strike. So I'm curious to feel how people think and feel. Another reason for that check-in every single week is because you talk through, here's what I've done. So I pay the tuition or tuition went up, tuition went down. We had this extra fee for the kids that came in and that was paid. Or how do you want me to handle this? Right. So I know things are getting done versus did you do that? Did you like, I'm not a child.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And so it's, it's not. you coming across to me as a, you're over me or you don't trust me or I'm incompetent. And so that can create some stressors and that can create some distance through tone and through, you know, what did you do that? I told you to do that. And the title of, of the, of the topic today is I had to ask. And so I hear this a lot of, well, why should I have to ask you to do something? You should want to do some, or you should automatically do something. And is that fair? If it has not been communicated, number one, and then number two, let's talk about that first.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's definitely not fair if you are assuming that somebody else knows something and it's never been communicated. You can't expect somebody to just know what you're thinking, know what you need, know what you want at all times, any time, in the season, how you're feeling, what time of the month it is, and know all of that. So if you can't. put that type of burden on somebody else, nobody's going to know that, but, but the Lord, right? And so it's totally not fair. Your first question, not fair if it hasn't been communicated. Now we talk about this a lot, you can find in past episodes, but how to actually go about communicating that that's a whole other ball game, but no, you can't expect somebody to know. And if they do need to ask, then they need to ask and you need to not be defensive about it and be able to be mature enough and open enough. to be able to have a conversation around it.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that you can do even today is have a quick conversation. And maybe it's not quick, but start with, we're not going to start divvying it up chores, but we can talk about maybe categories and you'll handle this. And I feel comfortable with you handling this area, or I need support handling this area. And that will enable you. later to kind of get through tasks, but at least we know kind of to your point.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
For the most part, I'm handling everything concerning our house. I guess you called me like the operations manager or facilities manager. If it's HVAC renewals, if it's them coming out to clean the system and maintenance, the cars, them getting washed and the pest control coming out, like all those things I kind of handle because I don't even know, would you know how to do that? Right.
Speaker #1
I mean, some of the things since you do them all the time.
Speaker #0
Do we have those discussions or I just did it myself? Like walk us through, like we've had conversations about certain categories, but also certain things I've kind of taken the lead on.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And I guess she's like, okay, whatever.
Speaker #1
And same with me. I think it's also helpful if you're doing things that are in your talent. Skill set. Skill set, yeah. Right. So I love doing finance because I love numbers and spreadsheets and that's not a chore to me. I could do the budget any day, every day. And so like use what what the Lord has given you, right? Use your skills to the best advantage and act as like a partnership versus like you said before, you're not my employee. I'm not trying to tell you what you need to do on your shift every day, but you're my partner. And how are we going to work together to run our household and the life the way the Lord wants us to as a team? And so it's really just learning how to communicate that well and then being willing to take on like you said, some of that burden, because it should not be on one person in a marriage.
Speaker #0
If you are feeling overwhelmed, but yeah, but Turners, I am feeling overwhelmed. And here's what I would challenge you is if you're feeling overwhelmed and drowning and like everything is on you, ask yourself why. And if you are not feeling or receiving the support that you. believe is due or that even that you need, then we've got to find a way to communicate that, communicate that healthily, communicate that strategically and lovingly. And then as the person who receives that, I've got to be willing to say, okay, let me listen. Let me let them vent and get off their frustration of I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not feeling supported. I feel look, I am carrying the children and the bills. the weight of are we going to make it and who's paying this and is the mortgage, you know, and some of that might not be your partner. Some of that, we got to roll that caroling to God. And we've got to trust in him to take care of things and not my spouse, because some of those things are just a job for Jehovah, right? And we're worrying and we're stressed out about how this is going to happen, when it's going to happen. And we've got to say, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. And so I'm going to challenge you into that. of not rolling the care upon your spouse and not throwing them into you take care of that because ultimately it's not i it's the power of god who lives on the inside of us so begin to throw that care on god and let him carry that stress let him carry that weight and you'll find his support and his strength is greater and more powerful than anything you can experience or receive from a spouse or the natural
Speaker #1
And that's what I was going to also mention is that's why we always start with praying first. So pray it, plan it, pursue it. We turn to the Lord first and foremost. We are praying over these situations. We are praying over our marriage because Jesus tells us to come to him, cast your cares upon him because his yoke is easy. His yoke is light and he can handle anything and we cannot. And so to first put that on him, pray over it, and then you can plan it out with your spouse. but always Amen. Start with the Lord.
Speaker #0
Yep. So that shift needs to happen in your prayer and how you approach those things and receive the power and the strength of the Holy Spirit. You can get that through our five powerful prayers that every couple needs. This is why it's so important. Every couple needs five key powerful prayers. I want you to go to okvencompany.com slash five prayers. It's a free resource. And if it's not your first time, you've got it already. Let me go back and pick it back up again and begin to pray this. What happens is we give you the entire prayer to pray. We give you a scriptural reference to where that prayer came from. And then there's some space for you to begin to develop your own prayer as you get used to it and you get more comfortable of, hey, you know, I'm finding myself really beginning to turn and receiving God's strength when it pertains to my household and my relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. It's great to know it and to read about it, but we just encourage you to really put it into practice. So take those prayers, And actually start praying them on a day-to-day basis because things will change when you invite the Lord in the middle of your relationship.
Speaker #0
Absolutely, 100%. So again, it's oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers. Get it today, of course. We will put all the links in the show notes and in the description below. So you can have and begin to experience the positive change in your life today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to spend with us. Remember, you can always reach us at Oak Haven Company. Seeing your response, your questions, your comments, concerns, the high oak of the company.com. And of course, if anything, bless you today. Thumbs up, like, subscribe, rate, and review to help us reach more people just like you. We love you so much. And remember, wisdom builds the house. See you next week.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

This week on Home to Haven, we're talking about the mental load, why "just ask me for help" misses the point, and the exercise that makes invisible work visible again.

By the end, you'll have one shift you can make tonight to start rebalancing it, no argument required.

🙏 Free resource:

5 Powerful Prayers Every Christian Couple Needs → oakhavencompany.com/5prayers

Join the Community!

Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication.

https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Be Social

Instagram: https://instagram.com/OakhavenCompany

Facebook: https://fb.com/OakhavenCompany

Subscribe on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@oakhavencompany

Follow on TikTok: https://tiktok.com/OakhavenCompany

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Quick question, in your household right now, who knows when the school forms are due? Who notices when the last roll of toilet paper is running out? Who's got that entire mental spreadsheet of the family running around? I'm talking about appointments, birthdays, what's for dinner, cars, inspections, all that good stuff. It's probably one name that comes to mind. Here's the truth, it's not that the other person doesn't care, it's that carrying the plan for an entire household is... quietly become one person's full-time unpaid job. Today, we're talking all about the mental load and why it's doing more damage to marriages than most arguments could ever do. And by the end of today's episode, you'll know how to name that one thing and without turning it into a fight, the one shift you can make today and start rebalancing. Stick around. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in and for clicking that thumbnail for Del on the episode. However you are watching or listening, we are so glad you're here. We are the Turners. This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So listen, if you get anything from today's conversation, all we ask is a like, thumbs up, rate, and review to help. bring this content to more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you all for joining. Be sure to give us a like, subscribe, keep those comments coming. We love to hear some feedback. Yes, we do. What you're enjoying, what you want to hear more of. If you agree, disagree, we love it all. So keep those coming. We appreciate all the support so far.
Speaker #0
That's right. Drop the comments below or you can always email us high at okmccompany.com. We will respond and maybe add your question or topic. All right. To the lineup.
Speaker #1
Those are our favorites.
Speaker #0
Those are absolutely our favorites. If you're watching on YouTube, we've got some weird things on the table. Well, not weird, but...
Speaker #1
Out of the ordinary. They're not usually there on the table.
Speaker #0
They're not there on the table. And they kind of match, but they don't kind of match. But there are candles that we had from date night.
Speaker #1
Yes, so we had a fun new date night that I chose. Of course. And you came along. I did. Try something new, so... I'd had it on my list for a little while. And since it's getting into the fall season, we went and we made our own candles. So we got to mix our own scent. We got to pick our vessel, as they called it. So that's why you see a couple out there. But it was super fun.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So we got to pick our scents. You think yours is the best? I think they're both pretty good. They are. The person that was helping us actually liked them both as well. Yep. Maybe they'll start selling them. Who knows?
Speaker #0
Definitely different, but I think they smell pretty good, and we shall see.
Speaker #1
All righty.
Speaker #0
All right.
Speaker #1
Do we want to light one and see the scent during the?
Speaker #0
Why not?
Speaker #1
Okay. Do we want to do yours? And is yours first?
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
These are super long wicks, so we'll see how it goes. But as I'm lighting this.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Hopefully it'll work, but.
Speaker #0
So it's got to burn a long time. Yeah.
Speaker #1
So this might be a. a bad decision. If you're watching, you'll get to see if you're listening, we're getting to the topic. What's our topic today?
Speaker #0
Our topic is why do I have to ask? It's all about the mental load that typically one person is carrying in the relationship. Can I get a, what does anybody know about that one person who has the mental load?
Speaker #1
Okay. Okay. And who is that typically? Is there usually, is it usually the wife? Is it usually the husband or you think it kind of can change based on you guys tell us.
Speaker #0
All right. So what do you guys think? Who typically carries the mental load? Because it could vary. It could be a guy. It could be.
Speaker #1
And when we say mental load, that's really the invisible job of managing, remembering, knowing, having all of that up in your head and being being the one that is keeping everything running, that knows what's going on, when to do what and all of those things. So it's also... And insinuating that the other person doesn't really know that stuff. So one person is carrying the mental load much more than the other person.
Speaker #0
Is that by choice? Is that by design? Is that by relationship? Why does it seem to be that one person is carrying that mental load of all the things that have to be done or need to be done?
Speaker #1
I definitely don't think it's by design. I don't think the person that feels like they're carrying the mental load right now would say, yeah, I totally signed up for that. I love doing that. I love being the one that. Everything is on me because when we talk about. The mental load, especially in recent times when it's really become more popular, it's more of a burden. So that's why we say the mental load, like it's putting a lot of work on someone's shoulders or you're carrying that burden and it feels like you're carrying it alone. And so it's kind of by default. We feel like we have to know this stuff. We have to get this stuff done in order for our family to function or our household to run. So if the other person isn't doing it, I'm going to go ahead and do it and make sure it gets done. And or maybe that's how the household responsibilities have kind of fallen in the relationship. So maybe one person's kind of just taken the role to do certain things and the other person's kind of kind of I got to make sure everything else is getting done. And so just kind of piles on as life happens. Kids are around, families around, works around. And so that load just seemingly gets heavier and heavier as time goes by.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that we have seen is this can be, that's why I asked, was it by design? Because there are certain personality types. There are certain times where you can take on too much and you may be trying to drive or you may feel like, oh, this person isn't doing it to my standards or how I think it should be done. So therefore I'm taking on or I'm going to own this and you end up taking on more than you can bear. So that's something to really be cautious about. It's important that we are. talking to one another as a team and not putting one another down. You should be doing this or I'm doing this and belittling if I'm doing all of this. Hey, look at me because maybe you shouldn't. Or one of my favorite comedians, he talked about like in marriage, how women would get all worked up about the laundry and why are you, why are you closing the floor? And she, he's like, just walk over it. You know, why are you getting so bent out of shape? Just don't do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Like they're putting that burden on themselves. Correct. Is that standard really, really completely necessary? You know, can we have some give and take? Can we have some compromise with expectations is what I hear you explaining that through.
Speaker #0
So if this is your first time listening and you want to say thank you, one of the things about this particular conversation is we always want to give perspective, advice. point you towards the word of God. We truly believe that ultimate success in the life of a believer is found in the word of God, that God's word gives us a blueprint for success and it's specifically for relationships. So in Galatians 6 and 2, the Bible says that we are to carry each other's burdens. And in this way, when you do this, you will fulfill the law or the word of Christ. And so it's important God gives us a command that I carry. You and that you carry me, that we come together and work together and that there is no load. There isn't some one person kind of trying to manage the finances, trying to manage the kids schedule, trying to manage the teachers and the emails and the grocery list and the car oil and the soccer practice and the chilling schedules and the football schedule. Like that's a lot for one person and it will drive a wedge. you in your relationship when only one person is doing this. And what I've seen is, oh, well, husband, I'm working, I'm managing all my calendars and all my emails and projects and AI, and we got to do this. And I got this big presentation and she's like, well, I'm managing the household. So he feels like he's doing his part with the job. And she feels like, well, I'm doing this with the house and I'm not getting with the job at home. And he's like, well, I'm doing the stuff at the, at the jump.
Speaker #1
to give you the house to manage and there's this disconnect and this warring back and forth and we're not really hearing and listening to what's beyond the complaint right and what's beyond the surface level because first of all has that ever been talked through at all like has that just been the default of this is what you need to get done you're gonna say do we have a conversation of here are your responsibilities here are my responsibilities i know a lot of times when
Speaker #0
dating, cohabitating. We're not talking about that. Or even in marriage specifically, well, I will take this bill, you take that bill, the whole joint finances versus the split accounts and dividing of bills, all that great stuff. So is there a conversation of, do we have a conversation of, well, you'll take this and I'll take this? I think we did talk about in dating, you'll do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Right. I was just going to say. Well, let's share some of the things that we did talk through that are kind of still in place or if things have kind of shifted over the 11 years. So I remember when we were dating, we were asking each other, like, what's your most despised chore? And you were like, I hate laundry. And you're like, I just don't like doing it.
Speaker #0
I hate the dishes.
Speaker #1
Well, you told me laundry back then. Okay.
Speaker #0
And so I was like,
Speaker #1
I don't mind laundry. Like, I can do the laundry. I'm happy to take over your laundry. I'm used to doing my own. And so I was like, good with that. And then, you know, what do you not mind doing? I was like, I hate cleaning bathrooms. And you're like, I don't mind doing that. And so we kind of shared it that way. So we were helping each other out. And then as years have gone by, I'm pretty much the one that handles the month to month finances. You're good with that. I'm good with that. We have our meeting budget meetings. And then you handle everything, for example, related to outside, like the yard and trees and bushes and things like that. I have no idea when the next time somebody is going to come and cut the grass, whereas you handle all that. So we have talked about it for sure. I don't think it will ever be a great system if you never talk about it. It's something that you definitely need to have conversations around.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You have to talk about who does what and how it gets done and why it gets done. When is it going to get done? And that way one person isn't doing all these things and you don't feel overwhelmed. The important thing is if you can try to feel overwhelmed, it can be an attack from the enemy, right? To pull you away and to weigh you down with the cares of this life and the cares of the world. That's why it's so important to fill your heart up with prayer and stay in the presence of God so that you can get refilled. And where I'm going with that is it's important that you... that you encourage one another, that you acknowledge like, hey, I see you've done all this great job. Thanks for picking up the drag lane today. Or hey, thank you for going above and beyond and X, Y, Z, so that you both recognize, hey, we're both working hard. We're both in this. We're doing things, but we both acknowledge our part and our contributions. Now we're one to our household and then to each other. And so that plays a key part. I'd encourage you to get in of saying like, hey, where can you have, where can I support you this week? Where do you need me to pick up some things this month or whatever, probably week to week. And that helps with the carrying of the load. We had to mail out a planner. So thank you again for ordering our relationship vision planner, which helps you keep on track with your day to day and month to month. uh things but more important the planner brings you together as a couple uh and we we had to ship one out and uh i was like hey it was an overnight order and i was like hey i can really go down the street to ups and get it done you're like well no i'll do it on my lunch break so again just offering like assistance and i'm here to support if you need something or if it's like hey i can't do it this week or i can't do it today because i have xyz commitment but i can do this don't just ever say, I can't do this and not offer.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
a alternative.
Speaker #1
Right. For sure. I think it's really helpful that we have our week to week check-in. So it's not something that goes for a few weeks and you've never said anything to each other about anything. When you have that routine weekly check-in, that just becomes part of your normal process of checking in with what logistics do we have going on? How are we helping each other? Because it is as a team. Because if one person is feeling like they're carrying the mental load. A hundred percent. And they bring that up and the other person responds with something along the lines of, well, just ask me and I'll help you out. That can fall flat because in the person that's already carrying things, they see that as, OK, well, now I just have more work to do. I have to let you know what to do. I have to make sure you're doing it. I have to follow up with you. So that's even adding a mental load to what you already have. versus working together as a team and coming up with a solution of, okay, you're going to get this. I don't have to micromanage you. I don't check in with you every month and say, did you schedule the long guy? You don't have to check in with me every month. Did you pay the TV bill? Did you make sure to pay tuition for the kids? I handle that. You know it's handled, but I know that that has been designated for me. And same as for you. So that's a way to really share versus putting it all in one person.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And even as you said that, I kind of felt the court strike. So I'm curious to feel how people think and feel. Another reason for that check-in every single week is because you talk through, here's what I've done. So I pay the tuition or tuition went up, tuition went down. We had this extra fee for the kids that came in and that was paid. Or how do you want me to handle this? Right. So I know things are getting done versus did you do that? Did you like, I'm not a child.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And so it's, it's not. you coming across to me as a, you're over me or you don't trust me or I'm incompetent. And so that can create some stressors and that can create some distance through tone and through, you know, what did you do that? I told you to do that. And the title of, of the, of the topic today is I had to ask. And so I hear this a lot of, well, why should I have to ask you to do something? You should want to do some, or you should automatically do something. And is that fair? If it has not been communicated, number one, and then number two, let's talk about that first.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's definitely not fair if you are assuming that somebody else knows something and it's never been communicated. You can't expect somebody to just know what you're thinking, know what you need, know what you want at all times, any time, in the season, how you're feeling, what time of the month it is, and know all of that. So if you can't. put that type of burden on somebody else, nobody's going to know that, but, but the Lord, right? And so it's totally not fair. Your first question, not fair if it hasn't been communicated. Now we talk about this a lot, you can find in past episodes, but how to actually go about communicating that that's a whole other ball game, but no, you can't expect somebody to know. And if they do need to ask, then they need to ask and you need to not be defensive about it and be able to be mature enough and open enough. to be able to have a conversation around it.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that you can do even today is have a quick conversation. And maybe it's not quick, but start with, we're not going to start divvying it up chores, but we can talk about maybe categories and you'll handle this. And I feel comfortable with you handling this area, or I need support handling this area. And that will enable you. later to kind of get through tasks, but at least we know kind of to your point.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
For the most part, I'm handling everything concerning our house. I guess you called me like the operations manager or facilities manager. If it's HVAC renewals, if it's them coming out to clean the system and maintenance, the cars, them getting washed and the pest control coming out, like all those things I kind of handle because I don't even know, would you know how to do that? Right.
Speaker #1
I mean, some of the things since you do them all the time.
Speaker #0
Do we have those discussions or I just did it myself? Like walk us through, like we've had conversations about certain categories, but also certain things I've kind of taken the lead on.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And I guess she's like, okay, whatever.
Speaker #1
And same with me. I think it's also helpful if you're doing things that are in your talent. Skill set. Skill set, yeah. Right. So I love doing finance because I love numbers and spreadsheets and that's not a chore to me. I could do the budget any day, every day. And so like use what what the Lord has given you, right? Use your skills to the best advantage and act as like a partnership versus like you said before, you're not my employee. I'm not trying to tell you what you need to do on your shift every day, but you're my partner. And how are we going to work together to run our household and the life the way the Lord wants us to as a team? And so it's really just learning how to communicate that well and then being willing to take on like you said, some of that burden, because it should not be on one person in a marriage.
Speaker #0
If you are feeling overwhelmed, but yeah, but Turners, I am feeling overwhelmed. And here's what I would challenge you is if you're feeling overwhelmed and drowning and like everything is on you, ask yourself why. And if you are not feeling or receiving the support that you. believe is due or that even that you need, then we've got to find a way to communicate that, communicate that healthily, communicate that strategically and lovingly. And then as the person who receives that, I've got to be willing to say, okay, let me listen. Let me let them vent and get off their frustration of I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not feeling supported. I feel look, I am carrying the children and the bills. the weight of are we going to make it and who's paying this and is the mortgage, you know, and some of that might not be your partner. Some of that, we got to roll that caroling to God. And we've got to trust in him to take care of things and not my spouse, because some of those things are just a job for Jehovah, right? And we're worrying and we're stressed out about how this is going to happen, when it's going to happen. And we've got to say, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. And so I'm going to challenge you into that. of not rolling the care upon your spouse and not throwing them into you take care of that because ultimately it's not i it's the power of god who lives on the inside of us so begin to throw that care on god and let him carry that stress let him carry that weight and you'll find his support and his strength is greater and more powerful than anything you can experience or receive from a spouse or the natural
Speaker #1
And that's what I was going to also mention is that's why we always start with praying first. So pray it, plan it, pursue it. We turn to the Lord first and foremost. We are praying over these situations. We are praying over our marriage because Jesus tells us to come to him, cast your cares upon him because his yoke is easy. His yoke is light and he can handle anything and we cannot. And so to first put that on him, pray over it, and then you can plan it out with your spouse. but always Amen. Start with the Lord.
Speaker #0
Yep. So that shift needs to happen in your prayer and how you approach those things and receive the power and the strength of the Holy Spirit. You can get that through our five powerful prayers that every couple needs. This is why it's so important. Every couple needs five key powerful prayers. I want you to go to okvencompany.com slash five prayers. It's a free resource. And if it's not your first time, you've got it already. Let me go back and pick it back up again and begin to pray this. What happens is we give you the entire prayer to pray. We give you a scriptural reference to where that prayer came from. And then there's some space for you to begin to develop your own prayer as you get used to it and you get more comfortable of, hey, you know, I'm finding myself really beginning to turn and receiving God's strength when it pertains to my household and my relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. It's great to know it and to read about it, but we just encourage you to really put it into practice. So take those prayers, And actually start praying them on a day-to-day basis because things will change when you invite the Lord in the middle of your relationship.
Speaker #0
Absolutely, 100%. So again, it's oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers. Get it today, of course. We will put all the links in the show notes and in the description below. So you can have and begin to experience the positive change in your life today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to spend with us. Remember, you can always reach us at Oak Haven Company. Seeing your response, your questions, your comments, concerns, the high oak of the company.com. And of course, if anything, bless you today. Thumbs up, like, subscribe, rate, and review to help us reach more people just like you. We love you so much. And remember, wisdom builds the house. See you next week.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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This week on Home to Haven, we're talking about the mental load, why "just ask me for help" misses the point, and the exercise that makes invisible work visible again.

By the end, you'll have one shift you can make tonight to start rebalancing it, no argument required.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Quick question, in your household right now, who knows when the school forms are due? Who notices when the last roll of toilet paper is running out? Who's got that entire mental spreadsheet of the family running around? I'm talking about appointments, birthdays, what's for dinner, cars, inspections, all that good stuff. It's probably one name that comes to mind. Here's the truth, it's not that the other person doesn't care, it's that carrying the plan for an entire household is... quietly become one person's full-time unpaid job. Today, we're talking all about the mental load and why it's doing more damage to marriages than most arguments could ever do. And by the end of today's episode, you'll know how to name that one thing and without turning it into a fight, the one shift you can make today and start rebalancing. Stick around. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in and for clicking that thumbnail for Del on the episode. However you are watching or listening, we are so glad you're here. We are the Turners. This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So listen, if you get anything from today's conversation, all we ask is a like, thumbs up, rate, and review to help. bring this content to more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you all for joining. Be sure to give us a like, subscribe, keep those comments coming. We love to hear some feedback. Yes, we do. What you're enjoying, what you want to hear more of. If you agree, disagree, we love it all. So keep those coming. We appreciate all the support so far.
Speaker #0
That's right. Drop the comments below or you can always email us high at okmccompany.com. We will respond and maybe add your question or topic. All right. To the lineup.
Speaker #1
Those are our favorites.
Speaker #0
Those are absolutely our favorites. If you're watching on YouTube, we've got some weird things on the table. Well, not weird, but...
Speaker #1
Out of the ordinary. They're not usually there on the table.
Speaker #0
They're not there on the table. And they kind of match, but they don't kind of match. But there are candles that we had from date night.
Speaker #1
Yes, so we had a fun new date night that I chose. Of course. And you came along. I did. Try something new, so... I'd had it on my list for a little while. And since it's getting into the fall season, we went and we made our own candles. So we got to mix our own scent. We got to pick our vessel, as they called it. So that's why you see a couple out there. But it was super fun.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So we got to pick our scents. You think yours is the best? I think they're both pretty good. They are. The person that was helping us actually liked them both as well. Yep. Maybe they'll start selling them. Who knows?
Speaker #0
Definitely different, but I think they smell pretty good, and we shall see.
Speaker #1
All righty.
Speaker #0
All right.
Speaker #1
Do we want to light one and see the scent during the?
Speaker #0
Why not?
Speaker #1
Okay. Do we want to do yours? And is yours first?
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
These are super long wicks, so we'll see how it goes. But as I'm lighting this.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Hopefully it'll work, but.
Speaker #0
So it's got to burn a long time. Yeah.
Speaker #1
So this might be a. a bad decision. If you're watching, you'll get to see if you're listening, we're getting to the topic. What's our topic today?
Speaker #0
Our topic is why do I have to ask? It's all about the mental load that typically one person is carrying in the relationship. Can I get a, what does anybody know about that one person who has the mental load?
Speaker #1
Okay. Okay. And who is that typically? Is there usually, is it usually the wife? Is it usually the husband or you think it kind of can change based on you guys tell us.
Speaker #0
All right. So what do you guys think? Who typically carries the mental load? Because it could vary. It could be a guy. It could be.
Speaker #1
And when we say mental load, that's really the invisible job of managing, remembering, knowing, having all of that up in your head and being being the one that is keeping everything running, that knows what's going on, when to do what and all of those things. So it's also... And insinuating that the other person doesn't really know that stuff. So one person is carrying the mental load much more than the other person.
Speaker #0
Is that by choice? Is that by design? Is that by relationship? Why does it seem to be that one person is carrying that mental load of all the things that have to be done or need to be done?
Speaker #1
I definitely don't think it's by design. I don't think the person that feels like they're carrying the mental load right now would say, yeah, I totally signed up for that. I love doing that. I love being the one that. Everything is on me because when we talk about. The mental load, especially in recent times when it's really become more popular, it's more of a burden. So that's why we say the mental load, like it's putting a lot of work on someone's shoulders or you're carrying that burden and it feels like you're carrying it alone. And so it's kind of by default. We feel like we have to know this stuff. We have to get this stuff done in order for our family to function or our household to run. So if the other person isn't doing it, I'm going to go ahead and do it and make sure it gets done. And or maybe that's how the household responsibilities have kind of fallen in the relationship. So maybe one person's kind of just taken the role to do certain things and the other person's kind of kind of I got to make sure everything else is getting done. And so just kind of piles on as life happens. Kids are around, families around, works around. And so that load just seemingly gets heavier and heavier as time goes by.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that we have seen is this can be, that's why I asked, was it by design? Because there are certain personality types. There are certain times where you can take on too much and you may be trying to drive or you may feel like, oh, this person isn't doing it to my standards or how I think it should be done. So therefore I'm taking on or I'm going to own this and you end up taking on more than you can bear. So that's something to really be cautious about. It's important that we are. talking to one another as a team and not putting one another down. You should be doing this or I'm doing this and belittling if I'm doing all of this. Hey, look at me because maybe you shouldn't. Or one of my favorite comedians, he talked about like in marriage, how women would get all worked up about the laundry and why are you, why are you closing the floor? And she, he's like, just walk over it. You know, why are you getting so bent out of shape? Just don't do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Like they're putting that burden on themselves. Correct. Is that standard really, really completely necessary? You know, can we have some give and take? Can we have some compromise with expectations is what I hear you explaining that through.
Speaker #0
So if this is your first time listening and you want to say thank you, one of the things about this particular conversation is we always want to give perspective, advice. point you towards the word of God. We truly believe that ultimate success in the life of a believer is found in the word of God, that God's word gives us a blueprint for success and it's specifically for relationships. So in Galatians 6 and 2, the Bible says that we are to carry each other's burdens. And in this way, when you do this, you will fulfill the law or the word of Christ. And so it's important God gives us a command that I carry. You and that you carry me, that we come together and work together and that there is no load. There isn't some one person kind of trying to manage the finances, trying to manage the kids schedule, trying to manage the teachers and the emails and the grocery list and the car oil and the soccer practice and the chilling schedules and the football schedule. Like that's a lot for one person and it will drive a wedge. you in your relationship when only one person is doing this. And what I've seen is, oh, well, husband, I'm working, I'm managing all my calendars and all my emails and projects and AI, and we got to do this. And I got this big presentation and she's like, well, I'm managing the household. So he feels like he's doing his part with the job. And she feels like, well, I'm doing this with the house and I'm not getting with the job at home. And he's like, well, I'm doing the stuff at the, at the jump.
Speaker #1
to give you the house to manage and there's this disconnect and this warring back and forth and we're not really hearing and listening to what's beyond the complaint right and what's beyond the surface level because first of all has that ever been talked through at all like has that just been the default of this is what you need to get done you're gonna say do we have a conversation of here are your responsibilities here are my responsibilities i know a lot of times when
Speaker #0
dating, cohabitating. We're not talking about that. Or even in marriage specifically, well, I will take this bill, you take that bill, the whole joint finances versus the split accounts and dividing of bills, all that great stuff. So is there a conversation of, do we have a conversation of, well, you'll take this and I'll take this? I think we did talk about in dating, you'll do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Right. I was just going to say. Well, let's share some of the things that we did talk through that are kind of still in place or if things have kind of shifted over the 11 years. So I remember when we were dating, we were asking each other, like, what's your most despised chore? And you were like, I hate laundry. And you're like, I just don't like doing it.
Speaker #0
I hate the dishes.
Speaker #1
Well, you told me laundry back then. Okay.
Speaker #0
And so I was like,
Speaker #1
I don't mind laundry. Like, I can do the laundry. I'm happy to take over your laundry. I'm used to doing my own. And so I was like, good with that. And then, you know, what do you not mind doing? I was like, I hate cleaning bathrooms. And you're like, I don't mind doing that. And so we kind of shared it that way. So we were helping each other out. And then as years have gone by, I'm pretty much the one that handles the month to month finances. You're good with that. I'm good with that. We have our meeting budget meetings. And then you handle everything, for example, related to outside, like the yard and trees and bushes and things like that. I have no idea when the next time somebody is going to come and cut the grass, whereas you handle all that. So we have talked about it for sure. I don't think it will ever be a great system if you never talk about it. It's something that you definitely need to have conversations around.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You have to talk about who does what and how it gets done and why it gets done. When is it going to get done? And that way one person isn't doing all these things and you don't feel overwhelmed. The important thing is if you can try to feel overwhelmed, it can be an attack from the enemy, right? To pull you away and to weigh you down with the cares of this life and the cares of the world. That's why it's so important to fill your heart up with prayer and stay in the presence of God so that you can get refilled. And where I'm going with that is it's important that you... that you encourage one another, that you acknowledge like, hey, I see you've done all this great job. Thanks for picking up the drag lane today. Or hey, thank you for going above and beyond and X, Y, Z, so that you both recognize, hey, we're both working hard. We're both in this. We're doing things, but we both acknowledge our part and our contributions. Now we're one to our household and then to each other. And so that plays a key part. I'd encourage you to get in of saying like, hey, where can you have, where can I support you this week? Where do you need me to pick up some things this month or whatever, probably week to week. And that helps with the carrying of the load. We had to mail out a planner. So thank you again for ordering our relationship vision planner, which helps you keep on track with your day to day and month to month. uh things but more important the planner brings you together as a couple uh and we we had to ship one out and uh i was like hey it was an overnight order and i was like hey i can really go down the street to ups and get it done you're like well no i'll do it on my lunch break so again just offering like assistance and i'm here to support if you need something or if it's like hey i can't do it this week or i can't do it today because i have xyz commitment but i can do this don't just ever say, I can't do this and not offer.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
a alternative.
Speaker #1
Right. For sure. I think it's really helpful that we have our week to week check-in. So it's not something that goes for a few weeks and you've never said anything to each other about anything. When you have that routine weekly check-in, that just becomes part of your normal process of checking in with what logistics do we have going on? How are we helping each other? Because it is as a team. Because if one person is feeling like they're carrying the mental load. A hundred percent. And they bring that up and the other person responds with something along the lines of, well, just ask me and I'll help you out. That can fall flat because in the person that's already carrying things, they see that as, OK, well, now I just have more work to do. I have to let you know what to do. I have to make sure you're doing it. I have to follow up with you. So that's even adding a mental load to what you already have. versus working together as a team and coming up with a solution of, okay, you're going to get this. I don't have to micromanage you. I don't check in with you every month and say, did you schedule the long guy? You don't have to check in with me every month. Did you pay the TV bill? Did you make sure to pay tuition for the kids? I handle that. You know it's handled, but I know that that has been designated for me. And same as for you. So that's a way to really share versus putting it all in one person.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And even as you said that, I kind of felt the court strike. So I'm curious to feel how people think and feel. Another reason for that check-in every single week is because you talk through, here's what I've done. So I pay the tuition or tuition went up, tuition went down. We had this extra fee for the kids that came in and that was paid. Or how do you want me to handle this? Right. So I know things are getting done versus did you do that? Did you like, I'm not a child.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And so it's, it's not. you coming across to me as a, you're over me or you don't trust me or I'm incompetent. And so that can create some stressors and that can create some distance through tone and through, you know, what did you do that? I told you to do that. And the title of, of the, of the topic today is I had to ask. And so I hear this a lot of, well, why should I have to ask you to do something? You should want to do some, or you should automatically do something. And is that fair? If it has not been communicated, number one, and then number two, let's talk about that first.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's definitely not fair if you are assuming that somebody else knows something and it's never been communicated. You can't expect somebody to just know what you're thinking, know what you need, know what you want at all times, any time, in the season, how you're feeling, what time of the month it is, and know all of that. So if you can't. put that type of burden on somebody else, nobody's going to know that, but, but the Lord, right? And so it's totally not fair. Your first question, not fair if it hasn't been communicated. Now we talk about this a lot, you can find in past episodes, but how to actually go about communicating that that's a whole other ball game, but no, you can't expect somebody to know. And if they do need to ask, then they need to ask and you need to not be defensive about it and be able to be mature enough and open enough. to be able to have a conversation around it.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that you can do even today is have a quick conversation. And maybe it's not quick, but start with, we're not going to start divvying it up chores, but we can talk about maybe categories and you'll handle this. And I feel comfortable with you handling this area, or I need support handling this area. And that will enable you. later to kind of get through tasks, but at least we know kind of to your point.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
For the most part, I'm handling everything concerning our house. I guess you called me like the operations manager or facilities manager. If it's HVAC renewals, if it's them coming out to clean the system and maintenance, the cars, them getting washed and the pest control coming out, like all those things I kind of handle because I don't even know, would you know how to do that? Right.
Speaker #1
I mean, some of the things since you do them all the time.
Speaker #0
Do we have those discussions or I just did it myself? Like walk us through, like we've had conversations about certain categories, but also certain things I've kind of taken the lead on.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And I guess she's like, okay, whatever.
Speaker #1
And same with me. I think it's also helpful if you're doing things that are in your talent. Skill set. Skill set, yeah. Right. So I love doing finance because I love numbers and spreadsheets and that's not a chore to me. I could do the budget any day, every day. And so like use what what the Lord has given you, right? Use your skills to the best advantage and act as like a partnership versus like you said before, you're not my employee. I'm not trying to tell you what you need to do on your shift every day, but you're my partner. And how are we going to work together to run our household and the life the way the Lord wants us to as a team? And so it's really just learning how to communicate that well and then being willing to take on like you said, some of that burden, because it should not be on one person in a marriage.
Speaker #0
If you are feeling overwhelmed, but yeah, but Turners, I am feeling overwhelmed. And here's what I would challenge you is if you're feeling overwhelmed and drowning and like everything is on you, ask yourself why. And if you are not feeling or receiving the support that you. believe is due or that even that you need, then we've got to find a way to communicate that, communicate that healthily, communicate that strategically and lovingly. And then as the person who receives that, I've got to be willing to say, okay, let me listen. Let me let them vent and get off their frustration of I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not feeling supported. I feel look, I am carrying the children and the bills. the weight of are we going to make it and who's paying this and is the mortgage, you know, and some of that might not be your partner. Some of that, we got to roll that caroling to God. And we've got to trust in him to take care of things and not my spouse, because some of those things are just a job for Jehovah, right? And we're worrying and we're stressed out about how this is going to happen, when it's going to happen. And we've got to say, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. And so I'm going to challenge you into that. of not rolling the care upon your spouse and not throwing them into you take care of that because ultimately it's not i it's the power of god who lives on the inside of us so begin to throw that care on god and let him carry that stress let him carry that weight and you'll find his support and his strength is greater and more powerful than anything you can experience or receive from a spouse or the natural
Speaker #1
And that's what I was going to also mention is that's why we always start with praying first. So pray it, plan it, pursue it. We turn to the Lord first and foremost. We are praying over these situations. We are praying over our marriage because Jesus tells us to come to him, cast your cares upon him because his yoke is easy. His yoke is light and he can handle anything and we cannot. And so to first put that on him, pray over it, and then you can plan it out with your spouse. but always Amen. Start with the Lord.
Speaker #0
Yep. So that shift needs to happen in your prayer and how you approach those things and receive the power and the strength of the Holy Spirit. You can get that through our five powerful prayers that every couple needs. This is why it's so important. Every couple needs five key powerful prayers. I want you to go to okvencompany.com slash five prayers. It's a free resource. And if it's not your first time, you've got it already. Let me go back and pick it back up again and begin to pray this. What happens is we give you the entire prayer to pray. We give you a scriptural reference to where that prayer came from. And then there's some space for you to begin to develop your own prayer as you get used to it and you get more comfortable of, hey, you know, I'm finding myself really beginning to turn and receiving God's strength when it pertains to my household and my relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. It's great to know it and to read about it, but we just encourage you to really put it into practice. So take those prayers, And actually start praying them on a day-to-day basis because things will change when you invite the Lord in the middle of your relationship.
Speaker #0
Absolutely, 100%. So again, it's oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers. Get it today, of course. We will put all the links in the show notes and in the description below. So you can have and begin to experience the positive change in your life today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to spend with us. Remember, you can always reach us at Oak Haven Company. Seeing your response, your questions, your comments, concerns, the high oak of the company.com. And of course, if anything, bless you today. Thumbs up, like, subscribe, rate, and review to help us reach more people just like you. We love you so much. And remember, wisdom builds the house. See you next week.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

This week on Home to Haven, we're talking about the mental load, why "just ask me for help" misses the point, and the exercise that makes invisible work visible again.

By the end, you'll have one shift you can make tonight to start rebalancing it, no argument required.

🙏 Free resource:

5 Powerful Prayers Every Christian Couple Needs → oakhavencompany.com/5prayers

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Transcription

Speaker #0
Quick question, in your household right now, who knows when the school forms are due? Who notices when the last roll of toilet paper is running out? Who's got that entire mental spreadsheet of the family running around? I'm talking about appointments, birthdays, what's for dinner, cars, inspections, all that good stuff. It's probably one name that comes to mind. Here's the truth, it's not that the other person doesn't care, it's that carrying the plan for an entire household is... quietly become one person's full-time unpaid job. Today, we're talking all about the mental load and why it's doing more damage to marriages than most arguments could ever do. And by the end of today's episode, you'll know how to name that one thing and without turning it into a fight, the one shift you can make today and start rebalancing. Stick around. Welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in and for clicking that thumbnail for Del on the episode. However you are watching or listening, we are so glad you're here. We are the Turners. This is your home for faith-filled content that helps you communicate in your relationship. So listen, if you get anything from today's conversation, all we ask is a like, thumbs up, rate, and review to help. bring this content to more people just like you.
Speaker #1
That's right. Thank you all for joining. Be sure to give us a like, subscribe, keep those comments coming. We love to hear some feedback. Yes, we do. What you're enjoying, what you want to hear more of. If you agree, disagree, we love it all. So keep those coming. We appreciate all the support so far.
Speaker #0
That's right. Drop the comments below or you can always email us high at okmccompany.com. We will respond and maybe add your question or topic. All right. To the lineup.
Speaker #1
Those are our favorites.
Speaker #0
Those are absolutely our favorites. If you're watching on YouTube, we've got some weird things on the table. Well, not weird, but...
Speaker #1
Out of the ordinary. They're not usually there on the table.
Speaker #0
They're not there on the table. And they kind of match, but they don't kind of match. But there are candles that we had from date night.
Speaker #1
Yes, so we had a fun new date night that I chose. Of course. And you came along. I did. Try something new, so... I'd had it on my list for a little while. And since it's getting into the fall season, we went and we made our own candles. So we got to mix our own scent. We got to pick our vessel, as they called it. So that's why you see a couple out there. But it was super fun.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So we got to pick our scents. You think yours is the best? I think they're both pretty good. They are. The person that was helping us actually liked them both as well. Yep. Maybe they'll start selling them. Who knows?
Speaker #0
Definitely different, but I think they smell pretty good, and we shall see.
Speaker #1
All righty.
Speaker #0
All right.
Speaker #1
Do we want to light one and see the scent during the?
Speaker #0
Why not?
Speaker #1
Okay. Do we want to do yours? And is yours first?
Speaker #0
Sure.
Speaker #1
These are super long wicks, so we'll see how it goes. But as I'm lighting this.
Speaker #0
Okay.
Speaker #1
Hopefully it'll work, but.
Speaker #0
So it's got to burn a long time. Yeah.
Speaker #1
So this might be a. a bad decision. If you're watching, you'll get to see if you're listening, we're getting to the topic. What's our topic today?
Speaker #0
Our topic is why do I have to ask? It's all about the mental load that typically one person is carrying in the relationship. Can I get a, what does anybody know about that one person who has the mental load?
Speaker #1
Okay. Okay. And who is that typically? Is there usually, is it usually the wife? Is it usually the husband or you think it kind of can change based on you guys tell us.
Speaker #0
All right. So what do you guys think? Who typically carries the mental load? Because it could vary. It could be a guy. It could be.
Speaker #1
And when we say mental load, that's really the invisible job of managing, remembering, knowing, having all of that up in your head and being being the one that is keeping everything running, that knows what's going on, when to do what and all of those things. So it's also... And insinuating that the other person doesn't really know that stuff. So one person is carrying the mental load much more than the other person.
Speaker #0
Is that by choice? Is that by design? Is that by relationship? Why does it seem to be that one person is carrying that mental load of all the things that have to be done or need to be done?
Speaker #1
I definitely don't think it's by design. I don't think the person that feels like they're carrying the mental load right now would say, yeah, I totally signed up for that. I love doing that. I love being the one that. Everything is on me because when we talk about. The mental load, especially in recent times when it's really become more popular, it's more of a burden. So that's why we say the mental load, like it's putting a lot of work on someone's shoulders or you're carrying that burden and it feels like you're carrying it alone. And so it's kind of by default. We feel like we have to know this stuff. We have to get this stuff done in order for our family to function or our household to run. So if the other person isn't doing it, I'm going to go ahead and do it and make sure it gets done. And or maybe that's how the household responsibilities have kind of fallen in the relationship. So maybe one person's kind of just taken the role to do certain things and the other person's kind of kind of I got to make sure everything else is getting done. And so just kind of piles on as life happens. Kids are around, families around, works around. And so that load just seemingly gets heavier and heavier as time goes by.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that we have seen is this can be, that's why I asked, was it by design? Because there are certain personality types. There are certain times where you can take on too much and you may be trying to drive or you may feel like, oh, this person isn't doing it to my standards or how I think it should be done. So therefore I'm taking on or I'm going to own this and you end up taking on more than you can bear. So that's something to really be cautious about. It's important that we are. talking to one another as a team and not putting one another down. You should be doing this or I'm doing this and belittling if I'm doing all of this. Hey, look at me because maybe you shouldn't. Or one of my favorite comedians, he talked about like in marriage, how women would get all worked up about the laundry and why are you, why are you closing the floor? And she, he's like, just walk over it. You know, why are you getting so bent out of shape? Just don't do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Like they're putting that burden on themselves. Correct. Is that standard really, really completely necessary? You know, can we have some give and take? Can we have some compromise with expectations is what I hear you explaining that through.
Speaker #0
So if this is your first time listening and you want to say thank you, one of the things about this particular conversation is we always want to give perspective, advice. point you towards the word of God. We truly believe that ultimate success in the life of a believer is found in the word of God, that God's word gives us a blueprint for success and it's specifically for relationships. So in Galatians 6 and 2, the Bible says that we are to carry each other's burdens. And in this way, when you do this, you will fulfill the law or the word of Christ. And so it's important God gives us a command that I carry. You and that you carry me, that we come together and work together and that there is no load. There isn't some one person kind of trying to manage the finances, trying to manage the kids schedule, trying to manage the teachers and the emails and the grocery list and the car oil and the soccer practice and the chilling schedules and the football schedule. Like that's a lot for one person and it will drive a wedge. you in your relationship when only one person is doing this. And what I've seen is, oh, well, husband, I'm working, I'm managing all my calendars and all my emails and projects and AI, and we got to do this. And I got this big presentation and she's like, well, I'm managing the household. So he feels like he's doing his part with the job. And she feels like, well, I'm doing this with the house and I'm not getting with the job at home. And he's like, well, I'm doing the stuff at the, at the jump.
Speaker #1
to give you the house to manage and there's this disconnect and this warring back and forth and we're not really hearing and listening to what's beyond the complaint right and what's beyond the surface level because first of all has that ever been talked through at all like has that just been the default of this is what you need to get done you're gonna say do we have a conversation of here are your responsibilities here are my responsibilities i know a lot of times when
Speaker #0
dating, cohabitating. We're not talking about that. Or even in marriage specifically, well, I will take this bill, you take that bill, the whole joint finances versus the split accounts and dividing of bills, all that great stuff. So is there a conversation of, do we have a conversation of, well, you'll take this and I'll take this? I think we did talk about in dating, you'll do the laundry.
Speaker #1
Right. I was just going to say. Well, let's share some of the things that we did talk through that are kind of still in place or if things have kind of shifted over the 11 years. So I remember when we were dating, we were asking each other, like, what's your most despised chore? And you were like, I hate laundry. And you're like, I just don't like doing it.
Speaker #0
I hate the dishes.
Speaker #1
Well, you told me laundry back then. Okay.
Speaker #0
And so I was like,
Speaker #1
I don't mind laundry. Like, I can do the laundry. I'm happy to take over your laundry. I'm used to doing my own. And so I was like, good with that. And then, you know, what do you not mind doing? I was like, I hate cleaning bathrooms. And you're like, I don't mind doing that. And so we kind of shared it that way. So we were helping each other out. And then as years have gone by, I'm pretty much the one that handles the month to month finances. You're good with that. I'm good with that. We have our meeting budget meetings. And then you handle everything, for example, related to outside, like the yard and trees and bushes and things like that. I have no idea when the next time somebody is going to come and cut the grass, whereas you handle all that. So we have talked about it for sure. I don't think it will ever be a great system if you never talk about it. It's something that you definitely need to have conversations around.
Speaker #0
Yeah. You have to talk about who does what and how it gets done and why it gets done. When is it going to get done? And that way one person isn't doing all these things and you don't feel overwhelmed. The important thing is if you can try to feel overwhelmed, it can be an attack from the enemy, right? To pull you away and to weigh you down with the cares of this life and the cares of the world. That's why it's so important to fill your heart up with prayer and stay in the presence of God so that you can get refilled. And where I'm going with that is it's important that you... that you encourage one another, that you acknowledge like, hey, I see you've done all this great job. Thanks for picking up the drag lane today. Or hey, thank you for going above and beyond and X, Y, Z, so that you both recognize, hey, we're both working hard. We're both in this. We're doing things, but we both acknowledge our part and our contributions. Now we're one to our household and then to each other. And so that plays a key part. I'd encourage you to get in of saying like, hey, where can you have, where can I support you this week? Where do you need me to pick up some things this month or whatever, probably week to week. And that helps with the carrying of the load. We had to mail out a planner. So thank you again for ordering our relationship vision planner, which helps you keep on track with your day to day and month to month. uh things but more important the planner brings you together as a couple uh and we we had to ship one out and uh i was like hey it was an overnight order and i was like hey i can really go down the street to ups and get it done you're like well no i'll do it on my lunch break so again just offering like assistance and i'm here to support if you need something or if it's like hey i can't do it this week or i can't do it today because i have xyz commitment but i can do this don't just ever say, I can't do this and not offer.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
a alternative.
Speaker #1
Right. For sure. I think it's really helpful that we have our week to week check-in. So it's not something that goes for a few weeks and you've never said anything to each other about anything. When you have that routine weekly check-in, that just becomes part of your normal process of checking in with what logistics do we have going on? How are we helping each other? Because it is as a team. Because if one person is feeling like they're carrying the mental load. A hundred percent. And they bring that up and the other person responds with something along the lines of, well, just ask me and I'll help you out. That can fall flat because in the person that's already carrying things, they see that as, OK, well, now I just have more work to do. I have to let you know what to do. I have to make sure you're doing it. I have to follow up with you. So that's even adding a mental load to what you already have. versus working together as a team and coming up with a solution of, okay, you're going to get this. I don't have to micromanage you. I don't check in with you every month and say, did you schedule the long guy? You don't have to check in with me every month. Did you pay the TV bill? Did you make sure to pay tuition for the kids? I handle that. You know it's handled, but I know that that has been designated for me. And same as for you. So that's a way to really share versus putting it all in one person.
Speaker #0
Yeah. And even as you said that, I kind of felt the court strike. So I'm curious to feel how people think and feel. Another reason for that check-in every single week is because you talk through, here's what I've done. So I pay the tuition or tuition went up, tuition went down. We had this extra fee for the kids that came in and that was paid. Or how do you want me to handle this? Right. So I know things are getting done versus did you do that? Did you like, I'm not a child.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Right. And so it's, it's not. you coming across to me as a, you're over me or you don't trust me or I'm incompetent. And so that can create some stressors and that can create some distance through tone and through, you know, what did you do that? I told you to do that. And the title of, of the, of the topic today is I had to ask. And so I hear this a lot of, well, why should I have to ask you to do something? You should want to do some, or you should automatically do something. And is that fair? If it has not been communicated, number one, and then number two, let's talk about that first.
Speaker #1
Yes, it's definitely not fair if you are assuming that somebody else knows something and it's never been communicated. You can't expect somebody to just know what you're thinking, know what you need, know what you want at all times, any time, in the season, how you're feeling, what time of the month it is, and know all of that. So if you can't. put that type of burden on somebody else, nobody's going to know that, but, but the Lord, right? And so it's totally not fair. Your first question, not fair if it hasn't been communicated. Now we talk about this a lot, you can find in past episodes, but how to actually go about communicating that that's a whole other ball game, but no, you can't expect somebody to know. And if they do need to ask, then they need to ask and you need to not be defensive about it and be able to be mature enough and open enough. to be able to have a conversation around it.
Speaker #0
So one of the things that you can do even today is have a quick conversation. And maybe it's not quick, but start with, we're not going to start divvying it up chores, but we can talk about maybe categories and you'll handle this. And I feel comfortable with you handling this area, or I need support handling this area. And that will enable you. later to kind of get through tasks, but at least we know kind of to your point.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
For the most part, I'm handling everything concerning our house. I guess you called me like the operations manager or facilities manager. If it's HVAC renewals, if it's them coming out to clean the system and maintenance, the cars, them getting washed and the pest control coming out, like all those things I kind of handle because I don't even know, would you know how to do that? Right.
Speaker #1
I mean, some of the things since you do them all the time.
Speaker #0
Do we have those discussions or I just did it myself? Like walk us through, like we've had conversations about certain categories, but also certain things I've kind of taken the lead on.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And I guess she's like, okay, whatever.
Speaker #1
And same with me. I think it's also helpful if you're doing things that are in your talent. Skill set. Skill set, yeah. Right. So I love doing finance because I love numbers and spreadsheets and that's not a chore to me. I could do the budget any day, every day. And so like use what what the Lord has given you, right? Use your skills to the best advantage and act as like a partnership versus like you said before, you're not my employee. I'm not trying to tell you what you need to do on your shift every day, but you're my partner. And how are we going to work together to run our household and the life the way the Lord wants us to as a team? And so it's really just learning how to communicate that well and then being willing to take on like you said, some of that burden, because it should not be on one person in a marriage.
Speaker #0
If you are feeling overwhelmed, but yeah, but Turners, I am feeling overwhelmed. And here's what I would challenge you is if you're feeling overwhelmed and drowning and like everything is on you, ask yourself why. And if you are not feeling or receiving the support that you. believe is due or that even that you need, then we've got to find a way to communicate that, communicate that healthily, communicate that strategically and lovingly. And then as the person who receives that, I've got to be willing to say, okay, let me listen. Let me let them vent and get off their frustration of I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm not feeling supported. I feel look, I am carrying the children and the bills. the weight of are we going to make it and who's paying this and is the mortgage, you know, and some of that might not be your partner. Some of that, we got to roll that caroling to God. And we've got to trust in him to take care of things and not my spouse, because some of those things are just a job for Jehovah, right? And we're worrying and we're stressed out about how this is going to happen, when it's going to happen. And we've got to say, yet not I, but Christ who lives in me. And so I'm going to challenge you into that. of not rolling the care upon your spouse and not throwing them into you take care of that because ultimately it's not i it's the power of god who lives on the inside of us so begin to throw that care on god and let him carry that stress let him carry that weight and you'll find his support and his strength is greater and more powerful than anything you can experience or receive from a spouse or the natural
Speaker #1
And that's what I was going to also mention is that's why we always start with praying first. So pray it, plan it, pursue it. We turn to the Lord first and foremost. We are praying over these situations. We are praying over our marriage because Jesus tells us to come to him, cast your cares upon him because his yoke is easy. His yoke is light and he can handle anything and we cannot. And so to first put that on him, pray over it, and then you can plan it out with your spouse. but always Amen. Start with the Lord.
Speaker #0
Yep. So that shift needs to happen in your prayer and how you approach those things and receive the power and the strength of the Holy Spirit. You can get that through our five powerful prayers that every couple needs. This is why it's so important. Every couple needs five key powerful prayers. I want you to go to okvencompany.com slash five prayers. It's a free resource. And if it's not your first time, you've got it already. Let me go back and pick it back up again and begin to pray this. What happens is we give you the entire prayer to pray. We give you a scriptural reference to where that prayer came from. And then there's some space for you to begin to develop your own prayer as you get used to it and you get more comfortable of, hey, you know, I'm finding myself really beginning to turn and receiving God's strength when it pertains to my household and my relationship.
Speaker #1
That's right. It's great to know it and to read about it, but we just encourage you to really put it into practice. So take those prayers, And actually start praying them on a day-to-day basis because things will change when you invite the Lord in the middle of your relationship.
Speaker #0
Absolutely, 100%. So again, it's oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers. Get it today, of course. We will put all the links in the show notes and in the description below. So you can have and begin to experience the positive change in your life today. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to spend with us. Remember, you can always reach us at Oak Haven Company. Seeing your response, your questions, your comments, concerns, the high oak of the company.com. And of course, if anything, bless you today. Thumbs up, like, subscribe, rate, and review to help us reach more people just like you. We love you so much. And remember, wisdom builds the house. See you next week.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Home to Haven | A Christian Marriage Podcast for Better Communication

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen and welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect and View our Resources:

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Email: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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