Transcription

• Speaker #0

  This one thing is sabotaging your relationship and communication. What is it? Today, we're going to uncover how fear can implode your communication and create barriers between you and your partner. But after today, you will identify the signs of fear-driven interactions and discover faith-based strategies to overcome them. So, stay tuned for this discussion that will empower you to break free from fear. Strengthen your bond and communicate with confidence and love. Don't let fear dictate your relationship. Listen now to take the first step towards fearless communication. Welcome to this week's episode of the Home to Haven podcast. We're so happy to see you and have you join us on podcasts wherever you are listening or watching. Welcome. Thank you so very much. bottom of our hearts hey we are the turners and we are here to help you communicate in your relationship this is the home to haven podcast please like and subscribe if you get anything one little nugget you can do it it takes you a half a second we would greatly appreciate it because it helps boost this video or audio to other people just like you that's right so we have been doing something with our children okay that i did but failed and that is uh they've been doing swim lessons is this year two or year one well we had a year that wasn't um the best experience this

• Speaker #1

  is year three then yes it worked so well this is really the second it hasn't been a whole year they're just in one session

• Speaker #0

  And then we start when they were like one.

• Speaker #1

  Well, that doesn't really count. That just helps them get used to the water. But yes, kids are in swimming lessons. Yes. They're making progress. They're doing a good job. Okay. They've overcome some things. Okay. And they're getting their strokes and learning, getting there. Okay.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. You know, one of the things I can't really do it a whole lot because, you know, Jaden thinks he is. Like he will see something and he will watch the Olympic trials and he will just think I can do that. Like he's Michael Phelps. I'm just going to go out there and win gold.

• Speaker #1

  And he's a little overconfident.

• Speaker #0

  And so he'll suck up water and then it takes me back to when he was two, two months. And then I just, I can't, I can't.

• Speaker #1

  Yes. He, he's like, yeah, I could swim. And we're like, I mean, you don't want to be like, No, you can't do that. No, you can't do that. You can't jump in the deep end and successfully swim to the edge yet. It's just, you're not quite there yet. But yes, he is our...

• Speaker #0

  Because of that, he is way more advanced than Adley because Adley is a little bit more reserved and fearful of the water.

• Speaker #1

  She's very cautious. She takes time to warm up. She really has to talk herself into even... Even... trusting herself sometimes i'm like you're really good at holding your breath i know you can do this kind of kind of thing so we have two two kiddos and two opposite ends right um so there's been a little bit of fear of water and we're trying to help them overcome that get past it because swimming is very important it's very important life skill that i don't have so because i've had a fear of water um

• Speaker #0

  i actually drowned when i was young yeah

• Speaker #1

  and uh you know had to be and i hate water too so coming from our we don't want to put that on them right but we are not water people so we're not around the lake in the pool all the time some kids just grow up they're just naturally in the water and learn how to swim and stuff we

• Speaker #0

  we don't like the water and so we're trying to get past all of us are trying to get past that so we want to segue that into how fear can control a relationship and really sabotage communication.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  The Bible says that fear has torment. And so, but the goodness is that perfect love, God's love will cast out fear.

• Speaker #1

  I love that verse.

• Speaker #0

  Okay. I love that verse.

• Speaker #1

  Very free. Why? Because it's telling you there's no fear in perfect love. So God's love, you don't have to be fearful of anything.

• Speaker #0

  Now. It kind of takes me back to even like last episode. If you haven't heard it, go back and listen to when to give up on communication. Because when you are confident that God loves you, that God will not allow, no matter what happens, you need to be taken advantage of. Even if it, I don't want to speak it, but like they said, the worst of the worst, you know, abuse and you blow up and then divorce. I mean, it's the worst of the worst. I've been there. Worst of the worst. Yeah. God, why'd you let this happen to me? Well, because his plan's perfect. And through the valley of the shadow of death, you're not going to fear because he's with you. And on the other side of whatever tragedy, on the other side of the evil, his perfect plan will be revealed in you. And someone wants to hear that, needs to hear that. I'm confident in God's love, so I'm not afraid to love you and to be vulnerable for you because I know God has my back.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. And he works all things for good. So even though we're here on the earth and lots of stuff is happening that shouldn't be happening.

• Speaker #0

  Because we're in an imperfect world. Right.

• Speaker #1

  We're dealing with sin and chaos. People are people. He can work anything for your good. And so when you're in God's perfect love. Yeah. It's just so freeing to know you don't have to fear anything. I mean, how amazing is that to walk through life with no fear? And even just be in your relationship with no fear. Because like we started talking about how fear can control your communication in your relationship.

• Speaker #0

  How does it do that?

• Speaker #1

  And so there's a lot of different things that you could be fearful of. So we can talk through some of those things that we can be fearful of. And then how that manifests into your communication with your spouse. Let's do it. So for example, a big fear would be fear of rejection.

• Speaker #0

  100%.

• Speaker #1

  So being scared to say something to your partner.

• Speaker #0

  Very good.

• Speaker #1

  And thinking that they're going to reject you. And so I know I experienced some of this in the very beginning of our relationship. I was like, you know, what if I say something and he's like, I'm done. I want to be out. I'm not. Really? I'm not, you know, happy with this or anything.

• Speaker #0

  I think I'm married.

• Speaker #1

  Married. Really?

• Speaker #0

  Just like I'm out?

• Speaker #1

  No. Okay. But that can be a big one is fear of rejection, right? Or I had written down fear of rejection or abandonment. So like, oh, they're just done with the relationship. Or if I bring up this particular topic or I say the wrong thing, that could be a fear that people, a fear that

• Speaker #0

  I would say. He'll change his opinion of me. He'll think differently of me. She won't think I'm whatever anymore. All these things that you're having a conversation in your head.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  Hadn't talked to you about it yet. Right. But we're already kind of prejudging and determining the outcome of the situation without living the situation yet.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And that can go both ways.

• Speaker #0

  That's fear.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. You know, men or women, fear of just rejection or abandonment. Yeah. People also have a fear of being vulnerable. or getting really intimate. So they're scared to really show their true self because they don't want maybe somebody to actually know them or understand them. Or they think if they do really know them or know this part of them, it will change their view on them. Change their view,

• Speaker #0

  change the dynamic of the relationship. I don't want someone that close to me and I don't trust them. No one has this part of my heart, right? Typically because of past experiences, some past hurts and past traumas. You're like, Hey, I've got this wall built up. And I'm not letting this person in. And that's still in the key of marriage. And you may have been married 10 years, 15 years, and still haven't let that person have that part of your heart. And it's built up a wall. There's been a roadblock because you are still protecting and isolating certain parts of your relationship that he or she can't touch. So we really want to look at that. That's fear.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, you're shielding something from them. So you're not fully out there to your partner. There's also kind of switching it. The other view is you have a fear of not having control or not being in a position of power. So, or yeah, or authority. So that can go either way too, because maybe you feel like you really need that or that's something you really cling on to. Really, that's how you need or want to live your life. And so you're fearful of letting go of that.

• Speaker #0

  Fearful of letting go, 100%.

• Speaker #1

  The control and power. There's also the fear of conflict. So some people just don't want to deal with conflict. The fear of anger.

• Speaker #0

  That's probably me. Yeah, fear of conflict. So you run. So you don't express yourself as you probably should. Or, you know, you act a certain way and more reserved because you're afraid of that conflict. You're typically going to let go. things go under the rub and not call some person out on their actions and hold them accountable because you don't like conflict. Probably introverted, you know, or a certain type of personality, but you don't like conflict. And that can be a good thing, but it also can be not as good because you're still not effectively communicating. in certain times and in certain moments.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And fearful of a negative emotion that you might get back, whether that's anger or sadness or somebody being disappointed in you. I know I was like, I don't want you to be disappointed in me. So I don't, you know, want that to happen in our relationship. So maybe I just shouldn't say anything or, you know, there was, that was the underlying.

• Speaker #0

  So to go back to the beginning. That perfect love casts out that fear. So I can overcome that because, hey, at the end of the day, you know, you do kind of lean on some of that. Well, I don't really care what anybody thinks. Or I don't. You care, but you don't care.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  Right. At the end of the day, your opinion of me matters to me, but it doesn't make me.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  How you think of me, how you view me, how you see me. Yes, that's important to me, but it does not define who I am. Nor does it define how I function in life. Because I get that from my Heavenly Father.

• Speaker #1

  Exactly.

• Speaker #0

  And so, thankfully, I had that understanding. understand before we got married right but you know if you are married or in a relationship and you don't have that yet you've got to get that understanding that hey my fulfillment my esteem yeah my worth my value my identity my identity yeah comes from my heavenly father yeah not my husband Not my wife.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And how do you know that? How do you figure out what your true identity is? Or if you're like, well, I don't know those things, where are you going to find that?

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. It comes through, first of all, accepting Jesus, right? And that he has a plan for your life. He knows you. The scripture says that we were fearfully and that we were wonderfully made, that he has the plan and the thoughts for us. And so. I've got to trust that this God in heaven who made me knows me and that he made me not as a mistake. There is no mistake there. He did not make a mistake. He wasn't born or created with oops or, you know, uh,

• Speaker #1

  and now I have this person I have to deal with in the world. Right. Like he made you, he designed you. He has good plans for you. Yeah. He has, he has everything laid out for you when you're,

• Speaker #0

  trusting in him and you're living out yeah you know for him and even though you may not like conflict and even though there's parts of your character that you can grow in He still made you and he made you just like he made you for the reason he made you. And so you can still be confident in that.

• Speaker #1

  Right.

• Speaker #0

  So, yes, you have grown more. You're on this podcast. You're talking more than you've ever talked in your life. And you are hopefully helping others that you may never meet in your life. You've stepped into that as a trust in him. But at the same time. You grew into that, but you're still Jen. Yeah. And that's okay. And so you can be confident that, hey, you know what? I am who I am, as Paul said, by the grace of God.

• Speaker #1

  Amen. Amen. And just knowing that and living in that and sometimes speaking that just over and over to yourself or getting other people around you that are saying those things versus the opposite. We talked a little bit in the last episode of finding like a therapist or a pastor or somebody that can really pour into you. The truth, right? The biblical truth, the truth from God, God's word, and not anything else that's coming at you that isn't ultimately the truth or how you should base your life on.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. And again, because that kind of communication is fear-based communication. So fear-based communication does have manipulation. Fear-based communication does have control. Right. Fear-based communication is depressing. Fear-based communication, it's all negative. So you look at, okay, what I just heard, Does that line up with what God says about me? So you could have had a conversation with your spouse or with your child or with your parent, and it went completely sideways. And they may have said, you did this, that, and the other, da, da, da, da.

• Speaker #1

  Or you're this, this, this.

• Speaker #0

  You're this, yeah, you're just like your dad. And you're starting to feel worthless and sad and going back to some stuff. You're like, wait a minute, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the truth? What does God say about me? Right. What is his value? about me and in here that let that truth speak louder than the lie amen let the let god's word be true scripture says and let every man be alive amen so we let that we weigh that against the word of god and whatever what's negative and false let

• Speaker #1

  that fall to the ground amen and then we take what we need to take from that conversation to apply to our lives that's right it's so powerful to keep that in the forefront of your mind right especially if you're getting that stuff right like on a regular basis because that's gonna put you in a place where you don't need to be especially for communication and you know and again we talked about this

• Speaker #0

  That's episode. But if you're in a environment where it's like, okay, I don't have that support or, you know, yes, Terrell, it would be great if I had someone who could recognize this and the other. But right now it's not that way that you've got to flood that atmosphere with as much light as possible. So that might be just keeping some worship soaking music on 24 seven in your part of the house or just something that can combat the negative atmosphere. And realize, okay, well, I'm in spiritual warfare now, right? This is, I'm in a marriage, but ultimately, Paul says, we're not fighting against flesh and blood, so I'm not wrestling against you, Jen. This is a spirit. And so we got something that can fight against that. Yeah. Yes, prayer. The song says it's how I fight my battles. Yeah. Okay, let's do it.

• Speaker #1

  Amen. I love it. I love it. So we're talking through those fears. And how do they actually manifest in some communication? So when you have some communication issues, we can kind of point them back to that they are caused by fear. Okay. So they can manifest in communication such as people withdrawing or stonewalling, just shutting you out, silent treatment. They may have at that point, like you said, a fear of conflict or a fear of being judged. So that is what's going to bring out. that communication issue. So if you're faced with that or you're dealing with that, or you kind of tend to go that way, take a step back and look and see, am I fearful of being judged? Is that what's causing this? Or talk to your partner about that and really get to the root cause of it. It's not just that they won't talk to you. Why won't they talk to you? Do they have a fear of something and kind of root out that issue? Now for another one is passive aggressive type of communications that will manifest in communication because of fear of expressing their true feelings directly. So I have, we kind of touched on that a little bit. If you're a little fearful of actually revealing your true feelings or how you really feel, maybe because. you don't want to disappoint somebody or you don't want them to leave you or reject you, your communication fallback might be to be passive aggressive and just kind of push them aside or use those not really direct points of talking to somebody.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. And again, the point of this and the goal of this is, okay, let me identify this negative communication that's been occurring. Yep. And the root of that is, oh, it's really the root of that sphere. So let me address the fear and that can address and change how I'm talking or receiving from my partner.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah. And then also you will get criticism or blame back for communication, you know, disruption if the other person has a fear of actually taking responsibility. So if they don't want to or just are fearful of that, instead, they might just criticize what you're doing. or openly blame you for things. And then the last one I had is that fear of rejection will manifest itself in communication by just having a difficulty of actually expressing what they really need or being open and honest with you about what they truly need from a partner or need in their, in their life at that time.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. So hopefully this can help you will identify if you're communicating in fear. As well as, okay, if there is negative communication, well, my partner's actually dealing with fear.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  And so I now know what to pray for. And I also now know what to address. Exactly. And I can call that out without being disrespectful.

• Speaker #1

  Absolutely.

• Speaker #0

  Putting them more and more in the fear.

• Speaker #1

  I know what's wrong with you. This is the thing. You're a failure.

• Speaker #0

  All right. Yeah. Yeah. So it is, well, how do I deal with this? It is having a conversation and presenting yourself as trustworthy. And that this is a safe place and I am a person of integrity. And a person that will handle you with care.

• Speaker #1

  And I love that.

• Speaker #0

  Right? And so as you share with me, I'm going to honor you and respect you. And we're going to take it step by. I'm not going to rush you or push you. You got to open it up and pour it all out right now.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  You know? Yeah. No. As drip by drip, I'm going to receive what you have and take it and honor that.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Packaging presented as your sacrifice and continue. And we'll go step by step by step until that door is completely open. That wall is fully falling flat.

• Speaker #1

  I love that. And work through it and actually get through it. I love that. It's great.

• Speaker #0

  Cool. Did you love that? Let us know. Put your comments in the, in the video below. Ask your questions away. We will definitely respond, and we'd love to hear what you have to say about communication. Has fear been a priority in your life or a driving factor in your life? Let us know. Hi at OakhavenCompany.com. We'd also love to pray with you, just walk you through and provide some resources. We're here to help you communicate in your relationship. And we do have a new guide, a new resource for you. It is our five prayers, five must-have, five powerful prayers you need today that will help you grow your communication in your relationship. Did you know that? Did you know that there's five prayers you can pray to help grow your communication? Not just your marriage, but your communication in your marriage. So this... is a brand new resource. It's not the planner that we have or the home prayer guide, right? This is the relationship prayer guide.

• Speaker #1

  That's right. This is specifically for your relationship. This is a starting point for you to pray. So we give you a sample prayer for each one. We do. We also give you the scripture that it's based upon. We do. We give you a quick action step and then the reason why we're praying for that particular subject.

• Speaker #0

  Absolutely. It is a beautiful PDF that we've. placed together. If you have the home prayer guide, it'll look a little bit similar, but it is specifically, again, prayers you pray for your relationship. And this is something you can put together. It's very, very simple, very quick. And it's something that we encourage you to incorporate in your day-to-day life. This is the starting point to get you started. So how do you get it? Take 15, 30 seconds. Click on the link below. It is okvencomedy.com slash planner and put your name, email address in.

• Speaker #1

  Is it planner or prayer?

• Speaker #0

  Thank you. LKWCombat.com slash five prayers.

• Speaker #1

  Five prayers.

• Speaker #0

  Five prayers. And that will come to your inbox and you can just keep it on your iPad, your phone, print it out, whatever you want to do. That's right.

• Speaker #1

  I love that. Keep it accessible to you. Pull it up and start working at it daily. Getting those prayers in for your relationship. It'll make a huge difference.

• Speaker #0

  It's our gift to you is our way of saying thank you. We are so thankful to have you a part of this amazing Oak Haven community and this journey towards healthy, wonderful communication in your relationship. Thanks so much. We will see you next week. God bless.

• Speaker #2

  Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life, from communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic. You'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend. you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.