- Speaker #0
Honesty is vital in your marriage, but should you really be telling your spouse everything? Is honesty the best policy? Well, today we're exploring the delicate balance between transparency and discretion. Sometimes holding our tongue is an act of love, not deception. So let's delve into how to tell a difference and why some things are just better left unsaid. Well, welcome to the Home to Haven podcast. Come on in, sit down, put your feet up, and let's have a wonderful conversation. Thank you so much for joining us. This is your home for faith-filled content to help you communicate in your relationship. We are The Turners. We just wanna say thank you so much to every single person who's listening and watching. Thank you for allowing us to come into your life and share part of your day with us. So we would truly appreciate it. If you get anything, we're asking you to give us a like, give us the thumbs up. It's really going to help us push the video out to more and more people. So we just ask that help YouTube rank us higher so more people see the video. you know, get blessed and get some answers for their content. Right. So just give us a like, we really appreciate it. If you're feeling really generous on the YouTube, uh, well on the, uh, audio platforms, we really need some reviews that would really, really help us out.
- Speaker #1
Yes. So kind rate and review us. Yeah. Appreciate it. Tell us what you like, what you're enjoying, what you want to hear more of. We love to hear from you.
- Speaker #0
So we do love to hear from you.
- Speaker #1
Send in those reviews and ratings. We'd greatly, greatly appreciate it.
- Speaker #0
Ready to go?
- Speaker #1
Ready to go.
- Speaker #0
Yep. Back on up leave.
- Speaker #1
Yes. We are headed out of town soon. So the listeners will probably hear this after we come back, right?
- Speaker #0
Time is airs, but we would have gone on a great trip. And so make sure you've subscribed so that you don't miss the update of Travel with the Turners.
- Speaker #1
Yes. That's our other playlist that you can check out. But we... do some date nights, family fun nights. And so come along on our adventures.
- Speaker #0
Just regular people putting in the practice, what we teach.
- Speaker #1
That's right. We're going to go on a fun trip. I'm excited. All right. You're excited.
- Speaker #0
I am very excited. I'm going to chill out and hopefully chill out. Chill out. And go see some places because we love traveling and seeing places. So there are some things that are better left unsaid. Do you believe that? Because we're living in a society where People are like, just speak your truth, speak your mind. I tell like, I keep it 100. I just tell it and just kind of like no filters and whatever they say, you kind of just got to eat it. And there's no apology because I'm just, I'm being my authentic self.
- Speaker #1
That's right. That is very the end thing I would guess you would say. Yeah. But I totally believe that not everything should be said to your partner. at any time or anything that comes across your mind or even things that you feel like are are your truth right your truth does not necessarily need to be shared with your partner and so we're going to go through some of those scenarios or examples of what types of things we're talking about yeah and why we believe that some things are better left inside you right Not shared with your partner.
- Speaker #0
Well, the first thing that comes to mind is Ecclesiastes 3 and 1. And in case you're new, welcome. We are going to give you content that is founded in biblical truth. And so we believe that's where true success for relationships lies in the truth of God's word. So to help you kind of filter through all the noise. all the gurus out there. Let's find out what God's word says and let's apply it so we can get like success. And so Ecclesiastes 3 and 1 says to everything, there's a time and a season and a purpose. So we got to keep that in mind of when I'm speaking, you know, is it the time for me to be saying this? What's the purpose for me to say this? And is this the place for me to share it?
- Speaker #1
Right. And is it going to be helpful and loving in that situation or is it going to be hurtful? counterproductive. There's different times that you can bring up things to your partner, especially more serious things. If you think, you know, I really need to share this with my partner of how I feel.
- Speaker #0
Does the truth hurt?
- Speaker #1
The truth can hurt. Okay. Yes, it can.
- Speaker #0
So do I talk to you and tell you what you may not want to hear? Or even though it may hurt you or do I keep that inside?
- Speaker #1
I think there's definitely times where you need to tell me things that may hurt me because it's going to be coming from a place of love. Why would it hurt you? And help me grow. It probably will just hurt your feelings, right? Maybe your pride or your ego or, you know, speak to your emotions, you know, hit a nerve or trigger you in different ways. So it can hurt maybe superficially or even what you might think is. deeper a hurt, but ultimately if those things are shared in love and growth and support, sometimes you need to hear those things. Sometimes you don't want your partner just glossing over everything and it's not all roses and whatever you say, rainbows and daisies or whatever. And so sometimes your partner might be the only one that can tell you some things about yourself. Right. or the situations that you're going through. So sometimes they need to stay things that might sting a little bit in the beginning, but ultimately is good for your growth and your relationship. Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Let's come back to that. Remember that about does the truth hurt and why?
- Speaker #1
And we are going to start with, first of all, that criticism, right? So sometimes you have things in your mind that you want to tell your partner. maybe about how they look or things they do around the house or habits they have that you aren't in agreement with, right?
- Speaker #0
It's unsolicited. Okay.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. They're definitely not asking for an opinion or just giving it to them. Just, Hey, that looks really awful on you,
- Speaker #0
right? That, or, you know, yeah, whatever the critique might be. Well, no one would really ask for your opinion. Okay. in that particular situation. So is that feedback you should be giving at that particular time? Or is that something that you can kind of keep in? Because again, is that offering, you know, the scripture talks about words that build up that are a gift that bring grace to the hearer. There's a verse in Proverbs 12 and verse 18 that says that reckless words, they pierce like they cut. like a sword, so like a knife. Think about a knife, a kitchen knife, words that are reckless, that are not thought through, that are not covered, that are not, you know, tactful or seasoned. They cut just like a knife. when you do that, when you use words of wisdom, then they bring healing. And so it's important that we remember that and we take that to heart that my words are either cutting or they're healing.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, exactly. And so it's really important if you're the spouse that has that on your mind that you want to share with your loved one of, is this going to be hurtful in the moment? Is it going to be helping them? And think about
- Speaker #0
what is is your goal in saying those words like yeah your hair is frizzy today and i've done that yeah yeah that's why i'm laughing okay you know your hair is frizzy today what's going on yeah or what's why is why your fingernail isn't looking like that right you know and so it's unsolicited criticism she didn't ask me my opinion i'm just kind of throwing stuff out there carelessly not really thinking about it yeah and so that could hurt that could damage that could breakup trust, those is not coming from a bad place. Now imagine if I'm really coming from a malicious place.
- Speaker #1
I was going to say, and that also could be helpful to me, right? If you would have, if you would have said it a little bit differently, or if I was getting ready to leave the house for a really big, important event and you're kind of like, Oh, her hair is really frizzy. Like I need to tell her that because she's about to go. to something really important. Or even when you've told me that before, I think I remember we were actually in church and you're like, your hair is really frizzy. Um, you could have said it maybe a little bit different. Like, Hey babe, did you know, like you have some hairs out of place, let me help you. Or, you know, you might want to go check in the mirror real quick just to kind of get it together. Um, so it could have been, and it was honestly just cause I wasn't taking it from like a bad place anyway. Um, but there are, are times that Maybe you've said something like, that's really not helpful to how I look. Like, maybe you do need to tell me in some situations, but sometimes that's not the best time to bring that.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. And there's balance that has to be done with that. So again, having conversation around that. And he knows that I'm coming from a bad place. Again, we've had conversations of, I am never trying to just tick you off. I'm never trying to say something hurtful. Yeah. Like I've been delivered from that, you know. If I'm not living a surrendered life, I'm, you know, I would definitely try to say some stuff that, oh yeah, I'm going to say this to get her back.
- Speaker #1
Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Oh,
- Speaker #0
you know, you knowing that, okay, he's, he's trying to come from, it didn't come out the right way. He didn't say it the way, but I'm a dude. Let me give him some grace. And he's, he's trying to look out for me.
- Speaker #1
Right. Like, why is he saying that to me? Right. Like maybe I do look awful and I need to check it, but, um, you know. Just making sure when you're criticizing or saying something that's not positive to your spouse, like what is the motive for that? And is this the right time to say it to them?
- Speaker #0
Yeah. And there's a difference between criticizing and condemnation and critique. So condemnation is someone saying something purposefully to belittle you and put you in a spot that's beneath them. Critique is actually looking at something and making a correction that needs to be corrected. Think like a food critic,
- Speaker #1
right? Yeah. Hey.
- Speaker #0
I'm giving you an honest opinion based upon my experience of how this could be improved. So that's something we need to be mindful of that. Not every critique is a condemnation.
- Speaker #1
Absolutely. Another time we need to make sure we're watching what we're saying or things could be better left unsaid is when you have unprocessed negative emotions. So if you just are super angry. or really frustrated and you haven't taken the time to step back and really think through what you want to say, right? And you're just going to go ahead and say whatever is in your mind at that moment or whatever your emotions are leading you to say, right? Completely unfiltered. And so that doesn't allow you, again, to process through what you're going to say and figure out, is this going to be helpful, hurtful to your spouse? And just kind of like you said in the beginning. Well, this is how I feel. This is my truth. They need to know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I don't care. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Like they need to hear. It's all about me. Right, exactly. So they need to hear because they need to deal with it because I feel a certain way. Yeah,
- Speaker #0
you deal with it. Yeah. You know, and it's deflecting. And instead of taking responsibility for your actions, I feel one place that we need to really. put a watch on and sign a spotlight on is gossip. Yeah. And just hearsay, blah, blah, blah. Those are things that I think we can keep on the inside of us and just keeping up with the Joneses, what he is doing, what she's doing. We might not know the situation, even if we do know the situation, we're just kind of repeating stuff. Yeah. And we're speaking more of the problem versus promises. Absolutely. And we're not helping the situation. Right. So. Those things are, if we can't build up, if we can't provide the solution, then the only thing we should be speaking of is the prayer.
- Speaker #1
I like that.
- Speaker #0
Instead of just so-and-so and so-and-so. Blah,
- Speaker #1
blah, blah.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. She did this and he did that. Doing this and that. You know, those things are really better left unsaid because it's not building us up. It's not helping us in our vision and our household goals at all.
- Speaker #1
A hundred percent. And it can damage relationships and it just brings that toxicity to. your relationship, even if it's not about you and your spouse, if you're constantly talking negative or just gossiping about other people, that's, you know, setting the atmosphere in your home and within your relationship into something that's negative and not something that's uplifting or supportive to your spouse as well.
- Speaker #0
So how could I have informed of your hair that would have been better? I mean, is there, was there a better way?
- Speaker #1
Yeah, I know. There's a lot of times I'll ask you like, Hey, how, how does this look?
- Speaker #0
And so when you do that, yes. Because like, you know, comedians do it all the time. Is that, is that a setup?
- Speaker #1
For me, it is completely not a setup. Like I am.
- Speaker #0
Baby, do I look fat in this dress? Like, do you answer that question? Yes,
- Speaker #1
you do. I mean, for me, I want to know, I'm asking you because number one, I mean, I feel like people will get their feelings hurt a lot. Absolutely. or get in their emotions about anything negative that their spouse has to say, they might have the mindset or the view that, you know, my husband should always think I'm beautiful and look great. And he should never have anything negative to say about look, how I wear my hair, what clothes I decided to put on or how I do my makeup or my nails or anything like that. You know, I, on the other hand, I trust you as one of my best friends, as my best friend. And so I'm relying on you, especially when I ask you directly to tell me the truth about something. So if I say, you know, do these pants look bad on me? I'm trusting you to tell me because. you know, I want your opinion. I want to know what other people outside of my eyes, you know? And so when I ask you, I would want you to be honest with me and tell me like, yeah, it doesn't look that great. Or I like the other ones better.
- Speaker #0
And hopefully you want that from your spouse. You want to, at least I do, you know, I do.
- Speaker #1
So you would too? Yeah.
- Speaker #0
You want someone to tell you the truth? I would, yeah. Yes, person in your life. Yeah. You know, who's not going to tell you there's a booger in your nose and you're just walking around like you smell.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Yeah. The fool.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
So it's got to be someone who can tell you something and you not get offended. And, you know, this person is my ride or die. This is the person that I can count on and count on to give me what I need to hear. Even if I don't want to hear it.
- Speaker #1
Right.
- Speaker #0
I need to hear it. That's the that's part of why they're in your life. So it's really. having the opportunity to check out pride, put it on the subjection, check it at the door. Let's lower ourselves and let's allow this person in.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Let's be vulnerable and let them come into our lives. And again, it might not come out the right way every single time. Let's have some grace. But, you know, the chicken wasn't seasoned the great way, you know, or whatever it is, or, you know, you really, you've really lowered. dropped the ball when it comes to our finances this month, or you forgot this. And I was counting on you to remind me of this, or I needed this from you. So you can speak that. And again, let that be received. And okay, you know what? I apologize. Take ownership. We've talked about that in other podcasts before.
- Speaker #1
Yeah. And there's absolutely the right tone of voice and the right words to say things like that to your partner.
- Speaker #0
That's important.
- Speaker #1
When you're talking about the chicken being seasoned, it brings back memories because sometimes it would just be like, oh, this is awful. Like and that was like an honest reaction. Right. But it really hurt my feelings. And so now I just want to cry about it and not ever cook for you again. Yes. Versus, hey, and you've done it this this other way as well. But like, hey, what what seasoning did you use on the chicken or like how did you prepare the chicken?
- Speaker #0
That's what I do. What went through your process? What were the steps you took when making this?
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
Didn't I do that for the pancakes?
- Speaker #1
Well, no. The last time I made pancakes, this is awful.
- Speaker #0
They were.
- Speaker #1
But the kids love them and I'm not adding additional sugar when it's not needed.
- Speaker #0
Good God.
- Speaker #1
But there are some ways. So it's also thinking through how can you say this in a supportive way? Like I would have felt better if you would have said, you know. The chicken is a little bland to me. I typically like to add this, this, and this to my chicken. Maybe I'll make it next time.
- Speaker #0
So maybe not do this when you cook it again.
- Speaker #1
But that's just an example of it does matter how you're saying it. Not just the words. The words also matter, but how you're approaching the situation when there's things to tell your spouse as well.
- Speaker #0
All right. We're short on time. We want to quickly not give you too much, but we did have. There's three times when you do want to speak up. We told you when to shut it down, when to keep your mouth closed. Here's three times when you do need to speak up because it is important. The first one is when there are some genuine, legit concerns about the relationship. Hey, I'm sensing this. I'm feeling this way. I believe we need to address this. Again, we're going to use those I statements versus you statements. You're doing this blaming. But hey. Can we have a discussion around this? What's another one we need to?
- Speaker #1
Another time is when you really feel like your needs or expectations are not being met and you need to communicate what those are to your partner. It's best not to always just leave those unsaid because your partner is never going to know those things. You can't assume that they should know or will know if you act a certain way. Right.
- Speaker #0
So told him once before. Right.
- Speaker #1
Learning how to communicate those needs and boundaries and those expectations that you have for the relationship is really important.
- Speaker #0
Yep. The final one is personal boundaries. So when I need a time to step away.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
I made this very clear. I just came back from a trip. I'm not feeling the greatest. If I'm snapping, guys, it's not personal.
- Speaker #1
Yeah.
- Speaker #0
My head feels like I'm underwater on the side of a balloon. Yeah. So I communicated that, that I needed the boundary. That. Guys, I'm not feeling 100%. I said it to her. I said to the children. to give them a heads up that day is not himself. So please don't take anything personally. I'm just not feeling the greatest right now.
- Speaker #1
Right. So it's important to speak up in those circumstances and really learn that it's important to kind of set that atmosphere with your spouse.
- Speaker #0
Absolutely. Was that helpful to you guys? I hope so. If it was, just do us a quick comment. Comment yes. If it was helpful and you got anything from it, we'd love to hear from you. And of course, smash that thumbs up. and help us reach more people just like you. You can always reach us at hiokwincompany.com or of course, we can continue the conversation by commenting below. There is a resource that we do have. We have two of them. And the main one we're gonna recommend today is our five powerful prayers that every couple needs. If you don't have this yet, it'll take you 15 seconds to go on the show notes, tap that link. under free resource. And this is something that Jennifer and I put together. to help couples. We pray together every day. And it's something that truly a couple that prays together does stay together. Why? Because you bring God, you bring him in the center and the middle of your relationship and involve him. So we've got a prayer about communication. We've got a prayer about your finance. We've got a prayer about love and just it covers these five major areas of your relationship. And you'll be so glad you did as a starting point for covering yourself in prayer.
- Speaker #1
Yes. Again, that's a freebie. So go ahead and grab that. two day, you can start that right now, right? And I will guarantee you that praying for your relationship and those five powerful prayers over your relationship will definitely 100% make a difference in your relationship. We also include scripture that the prayers are based upon, the foundational scriptures and a sample prayer, as well as the areas that we suggest will change your relationship. So grab that today.
- Speaker #0
That's right. Don't wait. You can pause the video right now. Scroll down, tap it. Download it and get it, and we'd be so grateful. And let us know your thoughts about it as we have more and more things on the way. All right. So, again, thank you so much for listening. We appreciate it. We will see you next week. And remember, wisdom builds the house.
- Speaker #2
Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life, from communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic. You'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.
