74 | You're Not Listening! How to Improve Communication in Your Christian Marriage | Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Description

We can often clash with our partner when trying to communicate, leading to misunderstandings and frustration. But what if we told you there's more to communication than just our style and talk? Today, we're debunking the myth of "that's just me" and exploring practical ways to bridge the communication gap and find common ground in your relationship. stay tuned!

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Transcription

Speaker #0
You're not listening to me. Does that phrase sound familiar? What about I am listening, but you're not making any sense? Well, we often clash with our partners when we're trying to communicate, which leads to misunderstanding and of course, frustration. What if we told you there's more to communication than just our style or talking? That's right. Today's episode, we're going to debunk the myth of that's just me and explore practical ways to communicate. bridge the communication gap and find common ground in your relationship stay tuned hey there everyone welcome to the home to haven podcast you have found your home your spot your haven your place your community Helps you grow in communication with your partner, Weeper Terrell. That is Jen Turner. And we are so glad you're here. If it's your first time listening to the podcast or finding us on YouTube, come on in, take a seat, and have a good time together. Smash that, hit that like and subscribe button if you find any value in the content today. And remember, this is your spot. So, uh... You had a flat tire yesterday.
Speaker #1
I had a very quick flat tire, yes. Yes, on the way home from work yesterday, made it to the driveway, but the tire was completely flat.
Speaker #0
Yes, and what did you run over?
Speaker #1
I'm not sure what I ran over, but something that seemed to put a very big hole in my tire and the dashboard lit up with put air in your tire. And the, um, yeah, the, uh, the number was quickly declining. So usually, usually when you run over like a nail or something, it's kind of slow. This was not slow. This was the fastest I've ever seen. It was like 32, 29, 27, 20.
Speaker #0
And what you did call.
Speaker #1
I did call just because I was like, this is rapidly declining. Should I still be rolling along on this tire? You know, I didn't want to mess up the wheel or anything else. I also wanted to be safe. I had one of the kids in the car trying to make it home, pulled into the neighborhood, going very slowly. It's like, maybe I should call Terrell. Maybe he can help me out right now. Maybe he can give me some advice. What should I do? And
Speaker #0
I'm like, why are you calling me? And then I'm like.
Speaker #1
Why would I not call you? Well,
Speaker #0
I mean, I get it. And I'm like, where are you? It's like, well, just roll on home.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I rolled on home. It was 17. It was the air parker in my tire. Then got out and it was, yeah, it was very loud. I've never seen.
Speaker #0
it like that it was like a hollow cylinder she like she meant like a bullet like a bolt but it was hollow like it was the air was busting out yes yeah so that was quite the adventure when life happens and you have those un unplanned events in the middle of your schedule i was in the middle of work um as well as we had a kid at somewhere else yep another kid going to soccer so yeah it was quite the adventure uh well we've got a service plan and yeah i was just super thankful and grateful for all the little details the lord definitely was watching
Speaker #1
over us you know for the fact that i made it home i didn't have to pull over on the side of the road you were actually at home you know so you were here to help out Um, we had two cars so I could take the other car and do what else we had to do. Um,
Speaker #0
so everything in the midst of that stuff, you got to remember to give thanks and everything under his protection.
Speaker #1
Well, it's God.
Speaker #0
Amen for you. All right. So, um, you ain't listening.
Speaker #1
I ain't listening.
Speaker #0
Well, let's get into it. Again, if it's the first time joining us, we provide strategies and we help provide faithful content to help you communicate in your relationship. So everything we're going to give you today is based on a fact from God's word. truth from his word because we believe ultimately that's where success uh lies in our relationship that's right so um a lot of times we hear well that's just me that's who i am that's how i communicate that's how i talk And is that the right way to approach any situation when you're trying to communicate or attempting to communicate or just have normal conversation?
Speaker #1
Right. Now, we talk a lot about communication styles. So we've gone over those styles before. But we're going to go a little bit deeper this time and really talk through. Is it okay to just say, well, that's my communication style. That's just how I am. That's just.
Speaker #0
Anyone says that's my communication style.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Somebody is like, I'm assertive. People are, are proud to be assertive. They're proud to speak their mind. That's the way I am. This is how you're going to get communication from me. Um, and then also to think about that for yourself. Is it okay for you to think that for yourself? This is just the way I am. Everybody else can deal with. how I need to communicate and get my point across. So we're going to go a little bit deeper into the reasons behind that and the communication with your spouse, which is the most important thing that we work on. Okay. So diving right in, we are going to start right there. What do you think when somebody says that's just the way I communicate and it's time for you to deal with those facts?
Speaker #0
Fact. I think that whenever we're making those kind of statements or deal breakers, because ultimately it's a deal breaker. Okay. You know, you're going to do this or else we're not going to be able to talk.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so, you know, it's really where is that coming from and why is it stemming from that? Most times, at least I have found, it's because that person does not want to change. That person doesn't want to put forth the effort. And, you know, communication is mastering the art of negotiation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is, it's a form, it's an art form. Right. You have to study and want to be a good communicator. I remember the first time that I had a mentor who talked to me about, it was corporate communication at that point. But it's, you have to want to be a good communicator. to succeed in establishing your message and then receiving people's messages. So just to say, well, if this is how it is, you're going to get how it is and that's it. It's kind of defeating the purpose and it puts up a roadblock.
Speaker #1
It does. And then also it can create another roadblock when you get to that point of thinking of, well, my husband or my wife, they communicate this way. I communicate a different way. We're never going to meet in the middle. We're never going to be able to connect. because our styles are different or our needs are different. So you have that, that fixed mindset, right? That that's just, you know, how I am, that's how he is. And that's something that we can't overcome, or that's just something that is causing so much struggle or pain in our relationship that we can't get past it.
Speaker #0
So part of that is true. Part of that is, yes, they have a different communication style than you. And that can be the source. Or one of the sources or pain points in your relationship. And it seems like we can't get past this. So, okay. So how do we navigate that? It's. I've identified this problem. I've identified this area that needs improvement. Right. So now we have to do some flexing. We've got to do some adapting and some changing and try it up. First, if I know and I recognize and understand that you are X, Y, Z in your communication, maybe you are passive aggressive. Right. Maybe you are very direct. There is a person that I've just met and they are extremely aggressive. Okay. And, you know, very A-type personality, go get it, I'm going to get it done. So they are, you know, they can... succeed in different environments, and they're going to bomb another environment, right? Because that personality isn't going to work in certain situations. Exactly. So you have to recognize that and then... If you know that's how you are, then you've got to adapt and not use that same approach in every situation. Right. Because one approach does not work for all people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
In all situations and in all times.
Speaker #1
So you think that's a good thought of this is how I typically communicate. This is my default, right? This is what my go-to is. You're going to have a main,
Speaker #0
you are who you is, who you is. who you are and you do you think that can be changed though i know i believe you can grow okay and you can expand okay but you've got a default you've got a program you have got that that's that that's what makes you you and that's how i believe we believe you're recreated so i believe that you have been created with a you know a right dna or special right i footprint That makes Jennifer, Jennifer, makes Terrell, Terrell. Right. Right? And so that's that. But you can grow and you can expand. Obviously, we are products of our environment. Some of us are victims of our environment.
Speaker #1
Experiences, right.
Speaker #0
Experiences. Maybe you only saw exaggerated. a non-productive in your childhood it was always intense yelling and screaming and so you thought that was the way to communicate yeah and now you learn and you see you model it right that's not the way i was supposed to respond so yes you can change behavior you can adapt behavior but you still got your blueprint of This is who you are. And that takes time. Right. Even to change, even to grow.
Speaker #1
Right. And I agree that you are naturally, right, quote unquote, naturally built a certain way to communicate. So I may be passive in my communication naturally. And I agree that there should be areas that you can grow in. You should be able to grow and develop those communication skills. especially if you're aware of it, number one, and especially number two, if you want to get better. So if your mindset is I can work on this, I can grow in this area, I can change, you know, I believe that we look ultimately to God's word to define how we should be treating other people, communicating with other people. So if that is not in alignment with what we consider our default communication style. We need to take a look at ourselves and self-reflect on that and say, am I communicating to my spouse particularly, but to anyone how Christ wants us to communicate to other people? Whether I want to be aggressive or whether I'm built to be passive, like it's not okay just to default. Well, that's just how I am.
Speaker #0
Well, the trigger for that is, or the tell is, are you successful? The tell is, do you find yourself? repeatedly in disagreements with multiple people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. That's your tell. So if you find drama, wherever you go, then mirror might be pointing somewhere.
Speaker #1
The hard part is if you're enjoying that drama and that's how, like you said, you're, that's all you've known. So you're just. That's how life is. And that's what maybe you even feed off of. And maybe that's even what you like. And maybe potentially maybe you like to be in control and be assertive and demanding because that's how you want to come across or that's how you feel you need to come across in certain situations. And so I just argue that we also need to talk about what God, how God would like you to communicate with other people and have that as a basis, as a foundation. and really self-reflect on, am I treating people? Am I talking to people? Am I communicating with people the way God wants me to? So we need to look at his word and what, like, how is God asking us to communicate with other people? Right. He, he reminds us that we're slow to speak. We're quick to listen. You know, we're not quick to anger. We speak with gentle words. We're kind, we're compassionate. And so if our communication, no matter what our communication style is, if those things aren't in place, we do really need to look at ourselves and say, am I communicating well? Am I communicating how God wants me to?
Speaker #0
Yeah, that is something that is hard for people to do. All of us. Yeah. So self-reflection is important. And having that time to, again, say. Why didn't this particular conversation go the way I wanted it to go? What went sideways? How did it get sideways? How can I prevent that in the future? I'm wondering if you have any questions or feedback about this discussion, feel free to drop it in the comments below on YouTube, or of course you can always DM us at Oak Haven Company or send an email to hi at oakhavencompany.com. A question that did come my way was, hey, how do I show honor? Or how do I not, you know, I... The comment came back to me as you're not listening. Right. And I said, well, if someone is telling you that you're not listening, you're not listening. Okay. That's what they're. And maybe they didn't say it the right way. Maybe they said at an elevated tone. Right. They probably didn't communicate it out of frustration. Again, we have to give people grace. Amen. But you have to. You have to hear what they're trying to say. And we may get into a future episode. Yeah. But what is he trying to communicate? Or what is she trying to say? You don't do the dishes. You don't do this. It's beyond dishes. It's beyond. Right. The food wasn't done. It's beyond that. What is, what's the root or what are they really trying to say?
Speaker #1
What's the underlying?
Speaker #0
What is the underlining? That person probably feels disrespected. They probably feel unheard. And why do they feel unheard? Yeah. Because maybe you interrupt, interject, don't let them finish their thoughts, or whenever they try to give an idea or thought, you shoot it down. or don't receive it, or you say you heard, but never follow through or never actually do what they're asking. So those things build up these potlucks and volcanoes of resentment that then comes spewing out. And so It's very, very important to take for a moment and pause and say, okay, you know, it's one thing for me to say, this is me and this is who I am, except to take it, chew it. It's another thing to say, this is me. I'm working on things. Will you accept this?
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
And we're going to grow together and give each other grace. Because ultimately we want to work together and we want to communicate and we want to hear each other and we want to flow together.
Speaker #1
Right. We're on the same team. Let's work on this together. And I think it's a great point that you made is that you can't control another person's behavior. You can't control another person's communication style. And so if you're dealing with somebody, like you said, that has a certain communication style that may be aggressive or maybe sarcastic or. maybe somebody that just completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, you know, you can't control the other person, but you can control how you're communicating with them. And you can put those strategies in place to help that communication go as smooth as possible. So like you've said before, you may have to deal with somebody differently, how you communicate with somebody dependent upon how they typically respond.
Speaker #0
That will. That's the major growth aspect is adapting your communication to fit the person, the place, and the thing that you are communicating about. So if it is. You know, the way I communicate with you is completely different than how I communicate with our children. It's completely different than how I communicate with a person I'm doing business with. Right. And even with those, there's different ways of communication. Right. Some people, it's going to require more patience. Some people, it's going to be more quick. Some people are going to require quick and direct. Right. Can't beat around the bush. Right. Some people you have to take your time.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And so that makes you a better communicator because you want your message to get received. And so just because someone is, why, why, why does it take so much time to explain myself? That's who they are. And either you either be patient for them to grow or. And simultaneously, you're adapting your communication style.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And fitting what they need.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And prayerfully, you're getting that in return. So there's three questions you want to ask yourself to help you become a better communicator. Okay. Number one, you want to ask. how am I communicating? Right. So it's what I'm saying landing. Right. It's what I'm saying being received. And then number three, what are my strengths and what are my weaknesses as a... a communicator. And so you may know those things, or you may have to ask someone, which is a great thing. Like, Hey, let's say, ask someone, how am I communicating? Yeah. What are some things that I could do better? What do I, where do I get off in my communication? They'll tell you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I think that's so important to be willing and able to ask somebody else, even ask a friend, a family member, if you can't quite ask your spouse yet, but how am I communicating? What is.
Speaker #0
you know typical pause there ask your spouse because that's the person we need to be communicating with and take it and eat eat that campbell's uh response soup don't be defensive don't which
Speaker #1
is a test of your communication style right there it is like do you have to talk back when they're telling you hey do you have no no that's that's not proving the point right um but that's extremely important it's to be able to ask somebody, because like you said, they're going to tell you, and they might say things that you don't want to hear, or maybe you don't even think are true.
Speaker #0
And if they don't tell you, that's an opportunity for you to begin to build trust. Okay. If they say, I don't know, I don't want to tell you, you're going to get mad, right? That is a wall. That is fear and apprehension. And there's been some trigger in the past of breach where you respond in a certain way and they've got a scab. Yeah. And so we've got to go back and do some patching and some repairing like that. tire exactly and over yeah and say okay listen i really and truly want to get better in our communication we have been failing we've been trying every time we talk about finances it gets off and it gets derailed every time we cut We talk about the kids and what school it gets derailed at. Every time we talk about my mother-in-law, it goes sideways. Every time I talk about I'll bring up X, Y, Z, it goes X, Y, Z. So this time, I'm not saying anything.
Speaker #1
Okay. Right.
Speaker #0
And I'm going to let you get off your chest. what you need to say. And I will not respond. And you've got to stick to it. And no matter how your hair burns, chew those words and eat it. Yeah. Take the low road. And as you said, be like the Lord. Imagine Jesus at Calvary. Not only are they lying and accusing him of false things, he's saving them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Redeeming them. And the Bible says he opened not his mouth. Right. So no, I'm not Jesus. But it's a great example of you don't always have to give a reply and defend yourself because the greatest defense is truth.
Speaker #1
Amen. And it takes maturity and it's going to take prayer. Even, you know, you can pray and ask God to give you that grace, give you that patience, give you the skills that you need, right? To ask those questions and really sit down with your spouse and work that out. And you can start right there before you. you know, actually prepare for that conversation as well with your spouse.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Now, as we close, there is a, you know, there is a type of personality and there may be a situation where, you know, when I actually, when I try to communicate, it goes into a brick wall or that person does get defensive. That person goes AWOL. Right. And so now if you recognize and you know, okay, I have a person who's a narcissist or I've got a person who just, you cannot.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
have certain conversations, make the in your own book, make mental notes. And you have to kind of sometimes dance around and be a, allow God to help you navigate conversations so that you don't hit twitches and triggers. But you're also able to walk in a place of peace in your own life, in your own mind, because that's important as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. And that may take some time. It might not be instantaneous for that to happen. But working that out and taking that time and spending time in prayer specifically for those things, you know, God hears you. He will answer those prayers and he can heal those relationships.
Speaker #0
100%. So if you have... uh got anything from today's episode the topic we'd love to hear you pour in about these uh topics and what questions you have again hit us up at oak haven company email hi oak haven company dot com i think that that's why we want to talk to you about a great giveaway which is our prayer guide because prayer ultimately is a the first step it sounds so basic and elementary but it is the ultimate truth of allowing god to Literally give you the word to say.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Because there are many situations where you want to say something and he'll be like, no.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Not now.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
Keep that, hold that. So we've put together five. Power prayers, is that it?
Speaker #1
Powerful prayers, yes, for your relationship. That's right.
Speaker #0
Five prayers you need to pray and have over your relationship. It's going to transform. It's going to change it. It's going to put things in perspective where there's been five. fights and contention and disagreements and going back and forth, you're going to begin to see peace and calm transformed into your relationship through these five powerful prayers. Click the description or the link in the description below. Yep. It'll be there. OK, we'll come in dot com as well. Is it five prayers?
Speaker #1
It is five powerful prayers. It'll help you know what to pray for. It'll give you a sample prayer. It'll let you know the scripture that we're basing the prayers on because we're not just getting this from, you know, society. So we really show you how it's grounded in scripture, what to pray. And you can start praying those today. Download it right now. Stick with it. Devote some time to prayer because. A hundred percent. It will transform your relationship.
Speaker #0
Love it. So do that right now. Like, don't wait, like, don't be like, well, I'll get it later. You know, I'm busy. It'll take you 15 seconds. It's a free gift to you. And again, it's just a way for you to go. deeper go uh and to a greater level so it is oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers that's it oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers get that today like don't wait don't be like well i'm gonna do it later or i will get it and like no right now get this free gift it's our free gift to you and a way for you to move past conflict move past disagreement move past misunderstanding and get into alignment get into unity get into understanding in your relationship. So okavencompany.com slash five prayers. It's also in the description. and get changed today.
Speaker #1
Amen. Get it today. Start today 100%. Devote your time to prayer. It will change your relationship.
Speaker #0
Thank you so much for watching. We appreciate you. Smash that bell. Hit that subscribe. Rate us, please. Rate us. That's important as well because it helps the algorithm move us to more people. So if you're getting content, some of you have been listening, take 30 seconds. Take 10 seconds. Give us a rating. Say great or wonderful. Two words. Awesome. We would greatly appreciate it. It means the world to us. Thank you for our listeners and our watchers. We will see you next week. Remember, it's wisdom that builds the house.
Speaker #2
Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life. From communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic, you'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

As a Christian couple, we know firsthand the challenges and blessings of marriage. Whether you're seeking Christian marriage advice, considering Christian coaching, or simply looking for biblical wisdom to strengthen communication in your relationship, this podcast is for you.

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

Join the Community!

Receive ONE email a week with practical tips and encouragement to transform your communication.

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Transcription

Speaker #0
You're not listening to me. Does that phrase sound familiar? What about I am listening, but you're not making any sense? Well, we often clash with our partners when we're trying to communicate, which leads to misunderstanding and of course, frustration. What if we told you there's more to communication than just our style or talking? That's right. Today's episode, we're going to debunk the myth of that's just me and explore practical ways to communicate. bridge the communication gap and find common ground in your relationship stay tuned hey there everyone welcome to the home to haven podcast you have found your home your spot your haven your place your community Helps you grow in communication with your partner, Weeper Terrell. That is Jen Turner. And we are so glad you're here. If it's your first time listening to the podcast or finding us on YouTube, come on in, take a seat, and have a good time together. Smash that, hit that like and subscribe button if you find any value in the content today. And remember, this is your spot. So, uh... You had a flat tire yesterday.
Speaker #1
I had a very quick flat tire, yes. Yes, on the way home from work yesterday, made it to the driveway, but the tire was completely flat.
Speaker #0
Yes, and what did you run over?
Speaker #1
I'm not sure what I ran over, but something that seemed to put a very big hole in my tire and the dashboard lit up with put air in your tire. And the, um, yeah, the, uh, the number was quickly declining. So usually, usually when you run over like a nail or something, it's kind of slow. This was not slow. This was the fastest I've ever seen. It was like 32, 29, 27, 20.
Speaker #0
And what you did call.
Speaker #1
I did call just because I was like, this is rapidly declining. Should I still be rolling along on this tire? You know, I didn't want to mess up the wheel or anything else. I also wanted to be safe. I had one of the kids in the car trying to make it home, pulled into the neighborhood, going very slowly. It's like, maybe I should call Terrell. Maybe he can help me out right now. Maybe he can give me some advice. What should I do? And
Speaker #0
I'm like, why are you calling me? And then I'm like.
Speaker #1
Why would I not call you? Well,
Speaker #0
I mean, I get it. And I'm like, where are you? It's like, well, just roll on home.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I rolled on home. It was 17. It was the air parker in my tire. Then got out and it was, yeah, it was very loud. I've never seen.
Speaker #0
it like that it was like a hollow cylinder she like she meant like a bullet like a bolt but it was hollow like it was the air was busting out yes yeah so that was quite the adventure when life happens and you have those un unplanned events in the middle of your schedule i was in the middle of work um as well as we had a kid at somewhere else yep another kid going to soccer so yeah it was quite the adventure uh well we've got a service plan and yeah i was just super thankful and grateful for all the little details the lord definitely was watching
Speaker #1
over us you know for the fact that i made it home i didn't have to pull over on the side of the road you were actually at home you know so you were here to help out Um, we had two cars so I could take the other car and do what else we had to do. Um,
Speaker #0
so everything in the midst of that stuff, you got to remember to give thanks and everything under his protection.
Speaker #1
Well, it's God.
Speaker #0
Amen for you. All right. So, um, you ain't listening.
Speaker #1
I ain't listening.
Speaker #0
Well, let's get into it. Again, if it's the first time joining us, we provide strategies and we help provide faithful content to help you communicate in your relationship. So everything we're going to give you today is based on a fact from God's word. truth from his word because we believe ultimately that's where success uh lies in our relationship that's right so um a lot of times we hear well that's just me that's who i am that's how i communicate that's how i talk And is that the right way to approach any situation when you're trying to communicate or attempting to communicate or just have normal conversation?
Speaker #1
Right. Now, we talk a lot about communication styles. So we've gone over those styles before. But we're going to go a little bit deeper this time and really talk through. Is it okay to just say, well, that's my communication style. That's just how I am. That's just.
Speaker #0
Anyone says that's my communication style.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Somebody is like, I'm assertive. People are, are proud to be assertive. They're proud to speak their mind. That's the way I am. This is how you're going to get communication from me. Um, and then also to think about that for yourself. Is it okay for you to think that for yourself? This is just the way I am. Everybody else can deal with. how I need to communicate and get my point across. So we're going to go a little bit deeper into the reasons behind that and the communication with your spouse, which is the most important thing that we work on. Okay. So diving right in, we are going to start right there. What do you think when somebody says that's just the way I communicate and it's time for you to deal with those facts?
Speaker #0
Fact. I think that whenever we're making those kind of statements or deal breakers, because ultimately it's a deal breaker. Okay. You know, you're going to do this or else we're not going to be able to talk.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so, you know, it's really where is that coming from and why is it stemming from that? Most times, at least I have found, it's because that person does not want to change. That person doesn't want to put forth the effort. And, you know, communication is mastering the art of negotiation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is, it's a form, it's an art form. Right. You have to study and want to be a good communicator. I remember the first time that I had a mentor who talked to me about, it was corporate communication at that point. But it's, you have to want to be a good communicator. to succeed in establishing your message and then receiving people's messages. So just to say, well, if this is how it is, you're going to get how it is and that's it. It's kind of defeating the purpose and it puts up a roadblock.
Speaker #1
It does. And then also it can create another roadblock when you get to that point of thinking of, well, my husband or my wife, they communicate this way. I communicate a different way. We're never going to meet in the middle. We're never going to be able to connect. because our styles are different or our needs are different. So you have that, that fixed mindset, right? That that's just, you know, how I am, that's how he is. And that's something that we can't overcome, or that's just something that is causing so much struggle or pain in our relationship that we can't get past it.
Speaker #0
So part of that is true. Part of that is, yes, they have a different communication style than you. And that can be the source. Or one of the sources or pain points in your relationship. And it seems like we can't get past this. So, okay. So how do we navigate that? It's. I've identified this problem. I've identified this area that needs improvement. Right. So now we have to do some flexing. We've got to do some adapting and some changing and try it up. First, if I know and I recognize and understand that you are X, Y, Z in your communication, maybe you are passive aggressive. Right. Maybe you are very direct. There is a person that I've just met and they are extremely aggressive. Okay. And, you know, very A-type personality, go get it, I'm going to get it done. So they are, you know, they can... succeed in different environments, and they're going to bomb another environment, right? Because that personality isn't going to work in certain situations. Exactly. So you have to recognize that and then... If you know that's how you are, then you've got to adapt and not use that same approach in every situation. Right. Because one approach does not work for all people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
In all situations and in all times.
Speaker #1
So you think that's a good thought of this is how I typically communicate. This is my default, right? This is what my go-to is. You're going to have a main,
Speaker #0
you are who you is, who you is. who you are and you do you think that can be changed though i know i believe you can grow okay and you can expand okay but you've got a default you've got a program you have got that that's that that's what makes you you and that's how i believe we believe you're recreated so i believe that you have been created with a you know a right dna or special right i footprint That makes Jennifer, Jennifer, makes Terrell, Terrell. Right. Right? And so that's that. But you can grow and you can expand. Obviously, we are products of our environment. Some of us are victims of our environment.
Speaker #1
Experiences, right.
Speaker #0
Experiences. Maybe you only saw exaggerated. a non-productive in your childhood it was always intense yelling and screaming and so you thought that was the way to communicate yeah and now you learn and you see you model it right that's not the way i was supposed to respond so yes you can change behavior you can adapt behavior but you still got your blueprint of This is who you are. And that takes time. Right. Even to change, even to grow.
Speaker #1
Right. And I agree that you are naturally, right, quote unquote, naturally built a certain way to communicate. So I may be passive in my communication naturally. And I agree that there should be areas that you can grow in. You should be able to grow and develop those communication skills. especially if you're aware of it, number one, and especially number two, if you want to get better. So if your mindset is I can work on this, I can grow in this area, I can change, you know, I believe that we look ultimately to God's word to define how we should be treating other people, communicating with other people. So if that is not in alignment with what we consider our default communication style. We need to take a look at ourselves and self-reflect on that and say, am I communicating to my spouse particularly, but to anyone how Christ wants us to communicate to other people? Whether I want to be aggressive or whether I'm built to be passive, like it's not okay just to default. Well, that's just how I am.
Speaker #0
Well, the trigger for that is, or the tell is, are you successful? The tell is, do you find yourself? repeatedly in disagreements with multiple people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. That's your tell. So if you find drama, wherever you go, then mirror might be pointing somewhere.
Speaker #1
The hard part is if you're enjoying that drama and that's how, like you said, you're, that's all you've known. So you're just. That's how life is. And that's what maybe you even feed off of. And maybe that's even what you like. And maybe potentially maybe you like to be in control and be assertive and demanding because that's how you want to come across or that's how you feel you need to come across in certain situations. And so I just argue that we also need to talk about what God, how God would like you to communicate with other people and have that as a basis, as a foundation. and really self-reflect on, am I treating people? Am I talking to people? Am I communicating with people the way God wants me to? So we need to look at his word and what, like, how is God asking us to communicate with other people? Right. He, he reminds us that we're slow to speak. We're quick to listen. You know, we're not quick to anger. We speak with gentle words. We're kind, we're compassionate. And so if our communication, no matter what our communication style is, if those things aren't in place, we do really need to look at ourselves and say, am I communicating well? Am I communicating how God wants me to?
Speaker #0
Yeah, that is something that is hard for people to do. All of us. Yeah. So self-reflection is important. And having that time to, again, say. Why didn't this particular conversation go the way I wanted it to go? What went sideways? How did it get sideways? How can I prevent that in the future? I'm wondering if you have any questions or feedback about this discussion, feel free to drop it in the comments below on YouTube, or of course you can always DM us at Oak Haven Company or send an email to hi at oakhavencompany.com. A question that did come my way was, hey, how do I show honor? Or how do I not, you know, I... The comment came back to me as you're not listening. Right. And I said, well, if someone is telling you that you're not listening, you're not listening. Okay. That's what they're. And maybe they didn't say it the right way. Maybe they said at an elevated tone. Right. They probably didn't communicate it out of frustration. Again, we have to give people grace. Amen. But you have to. You have to hear what they're trying to say. And we may get into a future episode. Yeah. But what is he trying to communicate? Or what is she trying to say? You don't do the dishes. You don't do this. It's beyond dishes. It's beyond. Right. The food wasn't done. It's beyond that. What is, what's the root or what are they really trying to say?
Speaker #1
What's the underlying?
Speaker #0
What is the underlining? That person probably feels disrespected. They probably feel unheard. And why do they feel unheard? Yeah. Because maybe you interrupt, interject, don't let them finish their thoughts, or whenever they try to give an idea or thought, you shoot it down. or don't receive it, or you say you heard, but never follow through or never actually do what they're asking. So those things build up these potlucks and volcanoes of resentment that then comes spewing out. And so It's very, very important to take for a moment and pause and say, okay, you know, it's one thing for me to say, this is me and this is who I am, except to take it, chew it. It's another thing to say, this is me. I'm working on things. Will you accept this?
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
And we're going to grow together and give each other grace. Because ultimately we want to work together and we want to communicate and we want to hear each other and we want to flow together.
Speaker #1
Right. We're on the same team. Let's work on this together. And I think it's a great point that you made is that you can't control another person's behavior. You can't control another person's communication style. And so if you're dealing with somebody, like you said, that has a certain communication style that may be aggressive or maybe sarcastic or. maybe somebody that just completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, you know, you can't control the other person, but you can control how you're communicating with them. And you can put those strategies in place to help that communication go as smooth as possible. So like you've said before, you may have to deal with somebody differently, how you communicate with somebody dependent upon how they typically respond.
Speaker #0
That will. That's the major growth aspect is adapting your communication to fit the person, the place, and the thing that you are communicating about. So if it is. You know, the way I communicate with you is completely different than how I communicate with our children. It's completely different than how I communicate with a person I'm doing business with. Right. And even with those, there's different ways of communication. Right. Some people, it's going to require more patience. Some people, it's going to be more quick. Some people are going to require quick and direct. Right. Can't beat around the bush. Right. Some people you have to take your time.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And so that makes you a better communicator because you want your message to get received. And so just because someone is, why, why, why does it take so much time to explain myself? That's who they are. And either you either be patient for them to grow or. And simultaneously, you're adapting your communication style.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And fitting what they need.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And prayerfully, you're getting that in return. So there's three questions you want to ask yourself to help you become a better communicator. Okay. Number one, you want to ask. how am I communicating? Right. So it's what I'm saying landing. Right. It's what I'm saying being received. And then number three, what are my strengths and what are my weaknesses as a... a communicator. And so you may know those things, or you may have to ask someone, which is a great thing. Like, Hey, let's say, ask someone, how am I communicating? Yeah. What are some things that I could do better? What do I, where do I get off in my communication? They'll tell you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I think that's so important to be willing and able to ask somebody else, even ask a friend, a family member, if you can't quite ask your spouse yet, but how am I communicating? What is.
Speaker #0
you know typical pause there ask your spouse because that's the person we need to be communicating with and take it and eat eat that campbell's uh response soup don't be defensive don't which
Speaker #1
is a test of your communication style right there it is like do you have to talk back when they're telling you hey do you have no no that's that's not proving the point right um but that's extremely important it's to be able to ask somebody, because like you said, they're going to tell you, and they might say things that you don't want to hear, or maybe you don't even think are true.
Speaker #0
And if they don't tell you, that's an opportunity for you to begin to build trust. Okay. If they say, I don't know, I don't want to tell you, you're going to get mad, right? That is a wall. That is fear and apprehension. And there's been some trigger in the past of breach where you respond in a certain way and they've got a scab. Yeah. And so we've got to go back and do some patching and some repairing like that. tire exactly and over yeah and say okay listen i really and truly want to get better in our communication we have been failing we've been trying every time we talk about finances it gets off and it gets derailed every time we cut We talk about the kids and what school it gets derailed at. Every time we talk about my mother-in-law, it goes sideways. Every time I talk about I'll bring up X, Y, Z, it goes X, Y, Z. So this time, I'm not saying anything.
Speaker #1
Okay. Right.
Speaker #0
And I'm going to let you get off your chest. what you need to say. And I will not respond. And you've got to stick to it. And no matter how your hair burns, chew those words and eat it. Yeah. Take the low road. And as you said, be like the Lord. Imagine Jesus at Calvary. Not only are they lying and accusing him of false things, he's saving them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Redeeming them. And the Bible says he opened not his mouth. Right. So no, I'm not Jesus. But it's a great example of you don't always have to give a reply and defend yourself because the greatest defense is truth.
Speaker #1
Amen. And it takes maturity and it's going to take prayer. Even, you know, you can pray and ask God to give you that grace, give you that patience, give you the skills that you need, right? To ask those questions and really sit down with your spouse and work that out. And you can start right there before you. you know, actually prepare for that conversation as well with your spouse.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Now, as we close, there is a, you know, there is a type of personality and there may be a situation where, you know, when I actually, when I try to communicate, it goes into a brick wall or that person does get defensive. That person goes AWOL. Right. And so now if you recognize and you know, okay, I have a person who's a narcissist or I've got a person who just, you cannot.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
have certain conversations, make the in your own book, make mental notes. And you have to kind of sometimes dance around and be a, allow God to help you navigate conversations so that you don't hit twitches and triggers. But you're also able to walk in a place of peace in your own life, in your own mind, because that's important as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. And that may take some time. It might not be instantaneous for that to happen. But working that out and taking that time and spending time in prayer specifically for those things, you know, God hears you. He will answer those prayers and he can heal those relationships.
Speaker #0
100%. So if you have... uh got anything from today's episode the topic we'd love to hear you pour in about these uh topics and what questions you have again hit us up at oak haven company email hi oak haven company dot com i think that that's why we want to talk to you about a great giveaway which is our prayer guide because prayer ultimately is a the first step it sounds so basic and elementary but it is the ultimate truth of allowing god to Literally give you the word to say.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Because there are many situations where you want to say something and he'll be like, no.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Not now.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
Keep that, hold that. So we've put together five. Power prayers, is that it?
Speaker #1
Powerful prayers, yes, for your relationship. That's right.
Speaker #0
Five prayers you need to pray and have over your relationship. It's going to transform. It's going to change it. It's going to put things in perspective where there's been five. fights and contention and disagreements and going back and forth, you're going to begin to see peace and calm transformed into your relationship through these five powerful prayers. Click the description or the link in the description below. Yep. It'll be there. OK, we'll come in dot com as well. Is it five prayers?
Speaker #1
It is five powerful prayers. It'll help you know what to pray for. It'll give you a sample prayer. It'll let you know the scripture that we're basing the prayers on because we're not just getting this from, you know, society. So we really show you how it's grounded in scripture, what to pray. And you can start praying those today. Download it right now. Stick with it. Devote some time to prayer because. A hundred percent. It will transform your relationship.
Speaker #0
Love it. So do that right now. Like, don't wait, like, don't be like, well, I'll get it later. You know, I'm busy. It'll take you 15 seconds. It's a free gift to you. And again, it's just a way for you to go. deeper go uh and to a greater level so it is oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers that's it oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers get that today like don't wait don't be like well i'm gonna do it later or i will get it and like no right now get this free gift it's our free gift to you and a way for you to move past conflict move past disagreement move past misunderstanding and get into alignment get into unity get into understanding in your relationship. So okavencompany.com slash five prayers. It's also in the description. and get changed today.
Speaker #1
Amen. Get it today. Start today 100%. Devote your time to prayer. It will change your relationship.
Speaker #0
Thank you so much for watching. We appreciate you. Smash that bell. Hit that subscribe. Rate us, please. Rate us. That's important as well because it helps the algorithm move us to more people. So if you're getting content, some of you have been listening, take 30 seconds. Take 10 seconds. Give us a rating. Say great or wonderful. Two words. Awesome. We would greatly appreciate it. It means the world to us. Thank you for our listeners and our watchers. We will see you next week. Remember, it's wisdom that builds the house.
Speaker #2
Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life. From communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic, you'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

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About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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Transcription

Speaker #0
You're not listening to me. Does that phrase sound familiar? What about I am listening, but you're not making any sense? Well, we often clash with our partners when we're trying to communicate, which leads to misunderstanding and of course, frustration. What if we told you there's more to communication than just our style or talking? That's right. Today's episode, we're going to debunk the myth of that's just me and explore practical ways to communicate. bridge the communication gap and find common ground in your relationship stay tuned hey there everyone welcome to the home to haven podcast you have found your home your spot your haven your place your community Helps you grow in communication with your partner, Weeper Terrell. That is Jen Turner. And we are so glad you're here. If it's your first time listening to the podcast or finding us on YouTube, come on in, take a seat, and have a good time together. Smash that, hit that like and subscribe button if you find any value in the content today. And remember, this is your spot. So, uh... You had a flat tire yesterday.
Speaker #1
I had a very quick flat tire, yes. Yes, on the way home from work yesterday, made it to the driveway, but the tire was completely flat.
Speaker #0
Yes, and what did you run over?
Speaker #1
I'm not sure what I ran over, but something that seemed to put a very big hole in my tire and the dashboard lit up with put air in your tire. And the, um, yeah, the, uh, the number was quickly declining. So usually, usually when you run over like a nail or something, it's kind of slow. This was not slow. This was the fastest I've ever seen. It was like 32, 29, 27, 20.
Speaker #0
And what you did call.
Speaker #1
I did call just because I was like, this is rapidly declining. Should I still be rolling along on this tire? You know, I didn't want to mess up the wheel or anything else. I also wanted to be safe. I had one of the kids in the car trying to make it home, pulled into the neighborhood, going very slowly. It's like, maybe I should call Terrell. Maybe he can help me out right now. Maybe he can give me some advice. What should I do? And
Speaker #0
I'm like, why are you calling me? And then I'm like.
Speaker #1
Why would I not call you? Well,
Speaker #0
I mean, I get it. And I'm like, where are you? It's like, well, just roll on home.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I rolled on home. It was 17. It was the air parker in my tire. Then got out and it was, yeah, it was very loud. I've never seen.
Speaker #0
it like that it was like a hollow cylinder she like she meant like a bullet like a bolt but it was hollow like it was the air was busting out yes yeah so that was quite the adventure when life happens and you have those un unplanned events in the middle of your schedule i was in the middle of work um as well as we had a kid at somewhere else yep another kid going to soccer so yeah it was quite the adventure uh well we've got a service plan and yeah i was just super thankful and grateful for all the little details the lord definitely was watching
Speaker #1
over us you know for the fact that i made it home i didn't have to pull over on the side of the road you were actually at home you know so you were here to help out Um, we had two cars so I could take the other car and do what else we had to do. Um,
Speaker #0
so everything in the midst of that stuff, you got to remember to give thanks and everything under his protection.
Speaker #1
Well, it's God.
Speaker #0
Amen for you. All right. So, um, you ain't listening.
Speaker #1
I ain't listening.
Speaker #0
Well, let's get into it. Again, if it's the first time joining us, we provide strategies and we help provide faithful content to help you communicate in your relationship. So everything we're going to give you today is based on a fact from God's word. truth from his word because we believe ultimately that's where success uh lies in our relationship that's right so um a lot of times we hear well that's just me that's who i am that's how i communicate that's how i talk And is that the right way to approach any situation when you're trying to communicate or attempting to communicate or just have normal conversation?
Speaker #1
Right. Now, we talk a lot about communication styles. So we've gone over those styles before. But we're going to go a little bit deeper this time and really talk through. Is it okay to just say, well, that's my communication style. That's just how I am. That's just.
Speaker #0
Anyone says that's my communication style.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Somebody is like, I'm assertive. People are, are proud to be assertive. They're proud to speak their mind. That's the way I am. This is how you're going to get communication from me. Um, and then also to think about that for yourself. Is it okay for you to think that for yourself? This is just the way I am. Everybody else can deal with. how I need to communicate and get my point across. So we're going to go a little bit deeper into the reasons behind that and the communication with your spouse, which is the most important thing that we work on. Okay. So diving right in, we are going to start right there. What do you think when somebody says that's just the way I communicate and it's time for you to deal with those facts?
Speaker #0
Fact. I think that whenever we're making those kind of statements or deal breakers, because ultimately it's a deal breaker. Okay. You know, you're going to do this or else we're not going to be able to talk.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so, you know, it's really where is that coming from and why is it stemming from that? Most times, at least I have found, it's because that person does not want to change. That person doesn't want to put forth the effort. And, you know, communication is mastering the art of negotiation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is, it's a form, it's an art form. Right. You have to study and want to be a good communicator. I remember the first time that I had a mentor who talked to me about, it was corporate communication at that point. But it's, you have to want to be a good communicator. to succeed in establishing your message and then receiving people's messages. So just to say, well, if this is how it is, you're going to get how it is and that's it. It's kind of defeating the purpose and it puts up a roadblock.
Speaker #1
It does. And then also it can create another roadblock when you get to that point of thinking of, well, my husband or my wife, they communicate this way. I communicate a different way. We're never going to meet in the middle. We're never going to be able to connect. because our styles are different or our needs are different. So you have that, that fixed mindset, right? That that's just, you know, how I am, that's how he is. And that's something that we can't overcome, or that's just something that is causing so much struggle or pain in our relationship that we can't get past it.
Speaker #0
So part of that is true. Part of that is, yes, they have a different communication style than you. And that can be the source. Or one of the sources or pain points in your relationship. And it seems like we can't get past this. So, okay. So how do we navigate that? It's. I've identified this problem. I've identified this area that needs improvement. Right. So now we have to do some flexing. We've got to do some adapting and some changing and try it up. First, if I know and I recognize and understand that you are X, Y, Z in your communication, maybe you are passive aggressive. Right. Maybe you are very direct. There is a person that I've just met and they are extremely aggressive. Okay. And, you know, very A-type personality, go get it, I'm going to get it done. So they are, you know, they can... succeed in different environments, and they're going to bomb another environment, right? Because that personality isn't going to work in certain situations. Exactly. So you have to recognize that and then... If you know that's how you are, then you've got to adapt and not use that same approach in every situation. Right. Because one approach does not work for all people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
In all situations and in all times.
Speaker #1
So you think that's a good thought of this is how I typically communicate. This is my default, right? This is what my go-to is. You're going to have a main,
Speaker #0
you are who you is, who you is. who you are and you do you think that can be changed though i know i believe you can grow okay and you can expand okay but you've got a default you've got a program you have got that that's that that's what makes you you and that's how i believe we believe you're recreated so i believe that you have been created with a you know a right dna or special right i footprint That makes Jennifer, Jennifer, makes Terrell, Terrell. Right. Right? And so that's that. But you can grow and you can expand. Obviously, we are products of our environment. Some of us are victims of our environment.
Speaker #1
Experiences, right.
Speaker #0
Experiences. Maybe you only saw exaggerated. a non-productive in your childhood it was always intense yelling and screaming and so you thought that was the way to communicate yeah and now you learn and you see you model it right that's not the way i was supposed to respond so yes you can change behavior you can adapt behavior but you still got your blueprint of This is who you are. And that takes time. Right. Even to change, even to grow.
Speaker #1
Right. And I agree that you are naturally, right, quote unquote, naturally built a certain way to communicate. So I may be passive in my communication naturally. And I agree that there should be areas that you can grow in. You should be able to grow and develop those communication skills. especially if you're aware of it, number one, and especially number two, if you want to get better. So if your mindset is I can work on this, I can grow in this area, I can change, you know, I believe that we look ultimately to God's word to define how we should be treating other people, communicating with other people. So if that is not in alignment with what we consider our default communication style. We need to take a look at ourselves and self-reflect on that and say, am I communicating to my spouse particularly, but to anyone how Christ wants us to communicate to other people? Whether I want to be aggressive or whether I'm built to be passive, like it's not okay just to default. Well, that's just how I am.
Speaker #0
Well, the trigger for that is, or the tell is, are you successful? The tell is, do you find yourself? repeatedly in disagreements with multiple people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. That's your tell. So if you find drama, wherever you go, then mirror might be pointing somewhere.
Speaker #1
The hard part is if you're enjoying that drama and that's how, like you said, you're, that's all you've known. So you're just. That's how life is. And that's what maybe you even feed off of. And maybe that's even what you like. And maybe potentially maybe you like to be in control and be assertive and demanding because that's how you want to come across or that's how you feel you need to come across in certain situations. And so I just argue that we also need to talk about what God, how God would like you to communicate with other people and have that as a basis, as a foundation. and really self-reflect on, am I treating people? Am I talking to people? Am I communicating with people the way God wants me to? So we need to look at his word and what, like, how is God asking us to communicate with other people? Right. He, he reminds us that we're slow to speak. We're quick to listen. You know, we're not quick to anger. We speak with gentle words. We're kind, we're compassionate. And so if our communication, no matter what our communication style is, if those things aren't in place, we do really need to look at ourselves and say, am I communicating well? Am I communicating how God wants me to?
Speaker #0
Yeah, that is something that is hard for people to do. All of us. Yeah. So self-reflection is important. And having that time to, again, say. Why didn't this particular conversation go the way I wanted it to go? What went sideways? How did it get sideways? How can I prevent that in the future? I'm wondering if you have any questions or feedback about this discussion, feel free to drop it in the comments below on YouTube, or of course you can always DM us at Oak Haven Company or send an email to hi at oakhavencompany.com. A question that did come my way was, hey, how do I show honor? Or how do I not, you know, I... The comment came back to me as you're not listening. Right. And I said, well, if someone is telling you that you're not listening, you're not listening. Okay. That's what they're. And maybe they didn't say it the right way. Maybe they said at an elevated tone. Right. They probably didn't communicate it out of frustration. Again, we have to give people grace. Amen. But you have to. You have to hear what they're trying to say. And we may get into a future episode. Yeah. But what is he trying to communicate? Or what is she trying to say? You don't do the dishes. You don't do this. It's beyond dishes. It's beyond. Right. The food wasn't done. It's beyond that. What is, what's the root or what are they really trying to say?
Speaker #1
What's the underlying?
Speaker #0
What is the underlining? That person probably feels disrespected. They probably feel unheard. And why do they feel unheard? Yeah. Because maybe you interrupt, interject, don't let them finish their thoughts, or whenever they try to give an idea or thought, you shoot it down. or don't receive it, or you say you heard, but never follow through or never actually do what they're asking. So those things build up these potlucks and volcanoes of resentment that then comes spewing out. And so It's very, very important to take for a moment and pause and say, okay, you know, it's one thing for me to say, this is me and this is who I am, except to take it, chew it. It's another thing to say, this is me. I'm working on things. Will you accept this?
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
And we're going to grow together and give each other grace. Because ultimately we want to work together and we want to communicate and we want to hear each other and we want to flow together.
Speaker #1
Right. We're on the same team. Let's work on this together. And I think it's a great point that you made is that you can't control another person's behavior. You can't control another person's communication style. And so if you're dealing with somebody, like you said, that has a certain communication style that may be aggressive or maybe sarcastic or. maybe somebody that just completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, you know, you can't control the other person, but you can control how you're communicating with them. And you can put those strategies in place to help that communication go as smooth as possible. So like you've said before, you may have to deal with somebody differently, how you communicate with somebody dependent upon how they typically respond.
Speaker #0
That will. That's the major growth aspect is adapting your communication to fit the person, the place, and the thing that you are communicating about. So if it is. You know, the way I communicate with you is completely different than how I communicate with our children. It's completely different than how I communicate with a person I'm doing business with. Right. And even with those, there's different ways of communication. Right. Some people, it's going to require more patience. Some people, it's going to be more quick. Some people are going to require quick and direct. Right. Can't beat around the bush. Right. Some people you have to take your time.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And so that makes you a better communicator because you want your message to get received. And so just because someone is, why, why, why does it take so much time to explain myself? That's who they are. And either you either be patient for them to grow or. And simultaneously, you're adapting your communication style.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And fitting what they need.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And prayerfully, you're getting that in return. So there's three questions you want to ask yourself to help you become a better communicator. Okay. Number one, you want to ask. how am I communicating? Right. So it's what I'm saying landing. Right. It's what I'm saying being received. And then number three, what are my strengths and what are my weaknesses as a... a communicator. And so you may know those things, or you may have to ask someone, which is a great thing. Like, Hey, let's say, ask someone, how am I communicating? Yeah. What are some things that I could do better? What do I, where do I get off in my communication? They'll tell you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I think that's so important to be willing and able to ask somebody else, even ask a friend, a family member, if you can't quite ask your spouse yet, but how am I communicating? What is.
Speaker #0
you know typical pause there ask your spouse because that's the person we need to be communicating with and take it and eat eat that campbell's uh response soup don't be defensive don't which
Speaker #1
is a test of your communication style right there it is like do you have to talk back when they're telling you hey do you have no no that's that's not proving the point right um but that's extremely important it's to be able to ask somebody, because like you said, they're going to tell you, and they might say things that you don't want to hear, or maybe you don't even think are true.
Speaker #0
And if they don't tell you, that's an opportunity for you to begin to build trust. Okay. If they say, I don't know, I don't want to tell you, you're going to get mad, right? That is a wall. That is fear and apprehension. And there's been some trigger in the past of breach where you respond in a certain way and they've got a scab. Yeah. And so we've got to go back and do some patching and some repairing like that. tire exactly and over yeah and say okay listen i really and truly want to get better in our communication we have been failing we've been trying every time we talk about finances it gets off and it gets derailed every time we cut We talk about the kids and what school it gets derailed at. Every time we talk about my mother-in-law, it goes sideways. Every time I talk about I'll bring up X, Y, Z, it goes X, Y, Z. So this time, I'm not saying anything.
Speaker #1
Okay. Right.
Speaker #0
And I'm going to let you get off your chest. what you need to say. And I will not respond. And you've got to stick to it. And no matter how your hair burns, chew those words and eat it. Yeah. Take the low road. And as you said, be like the Lord. Imagine Jesus at Calvary. Not only are they lying and accusing him of false things, he's saving them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Redeeming them. And the Bible says he opened not his mouth. Right. So no, I'm not Jesus. But it's a great example of you don't always have to give a reply and defend yourself because the greatest defense is truth.
Speaker #1
Amen. And it takes maturity and it's going to take prayer. Even, you know, you can pray and ask God to give you that grace, give you that patience, give you the skills that you need, right? To ask those questions and really sit down with your spouse and work that out. And you can start right there before you. you know, actually prepare for that conversation as well with your spouse.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Now, as we close, there is a, you know, there is a type of personality and there may be a situation where, you know, when I actually, when I try to communicate, it goes into a brick wall or that person does get defensive. That person goes AWOL. Right. And so now if you recognize and you know, okay, I have a person who's a narcissist or I've got a person who just, you cannot.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
have certain conversations, make the in your own book, make mental notes. And you have to kind of sometimes dance around and be a, allow God to help you navigate conversations so that you don't hit twitches and triggers. But you're also able to walk in a place of peace in your own life, in your own mind, because that's important as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. And that may take some time. It might not be instantaneous for that to happen. But working that out and taking that time and spending time in prayer specifically for those things, you know, God hears you. He will answer those prayers and he can heal those relationships.
Speaker #0
100%. So if you have... uh got anything from today's episode the topic we'd love to hear you pour in about these uh topics and what questions you have again hit us up at oak haven company email hi oak haven company dot com i think that that's why we want to talk to you about a great giveaway which is our prayer guide because prayer ultimately is a the first step it sounds so basic and elementary but it is the ultimate truth of allowing god to Literally give you the word to say.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Because there are many situations where you want to say something and he'll be like, no.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Not now.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
Keep that, hold that. So we've put together five. Power prayers, is that it?
Speaker #1
Powerful prayers, yes, for your relationship. That's right.
Speaker #0
Five prayers you need to pray and have over your relationship. It's going to transform. It's going to change it. It's going to put things in perspective where there's been five. fights and contention and disagreements and going back and forth, you're going to begin to see peace and calm transformed into your relationship through these five powerful prayers. Click the description or the link in the description below. Yep. It'll be there. OK, we'll come in dot com as well. Is it five prayers?
Speaker #1
It is five powerful prayers. It'll help you know what to pray for. It'll give you a sample prayer. It'll let you know the scripture that we're basing the prayers on because we're not just getting this from, you know, society. So we really show you how it's grounded in scripture, what to pray. And you can start praying those today. Download it right now. Stick with it. Devote some time to prayer because. A hundred percent. It will transform your relationship.
Speaker #0
Love it. So do that right now. Like, don't wait, like, don't be like, well, I'll get it later. You know, I'm busy. It'll take you 15 seconds. It's a free gift to you. And again, it's just a way for you to go. deeper go uh and to a greater level so it is oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers that's it oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers get that today like don't wait don't be like well i'm gonna do it later or i will get it and like no right now get this free gift it's our free gift to you and a way for you to move past conflict move past disagreement move past misunderstanding and get into alignment get into unity get into understanding in your relationship. So okavencompany.com slash five prayers. It's also in the description. and get changed today.
Speaker #1
Amen. Get it today. Start today 100%. Devote your time to prayer. It will change your relationship.
Speaker #0
Thank you so much for watching. We appreciate you. Smash that bell. Hit that subscribe. Rate us, please. Rate us. That's important as well because it helps the algorithm move us to more people. So if you're getting content, some of you have been listening, take 30 seconds. Take 10 seconds. Give us a rating. Say great or wonderful. Two words. Awesome. We would greatly appreciate it. It means the world to us. Thank you for our listeners and our watchers. We will see you next week. Remember, it's wisdom that builds the house.
Speaker #2
Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life. From communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic, you'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

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About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

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Transcription

Speaker #0
You're not listening to me. Does that phrase sound familiar? What about I am listening, but you're not making any sense? Well, we often clash with our partners when we're trying to communicate, which leads to misunderstanding and of course, frustration. What if we told you there's more to communication than just our style or talking? That's right. Today's episode, we're going to debunk the myth of that's just me and explore practical ways to communicate. bridge the communication gap and find common ground in your relationship stay tuned hey there everyone welcome to the home to haven podcast you have found your home your spot your haven your place your community Helps you grow in communication with your partner, Weeper Terrell. That is Jen Turner. And we are so glad you're here. If it's your first time listening to the podcast or finding us on YouTube, come on in, take a seat, and have a good time together. Smash that, hit that like and subscribe button if you find any value in the content today. And remember, this is your spot. So, uh... You had a flat tire yesterday.
Speaker #1
I had a very quick flat tire, yes. Yes, on the way home from work yesterday, made it to the driveway, but the tire was completely flat.
Speaker #0
Yes, and what did you run over?
Speaker #1
I'm not sure what I ran over, but something that seemed to put a very big hole in my tire and the dashboard lit up with put air in your tire. And the, um, yeah, the, uh, the number was quickly declining. So usually, usually when you run over like a nail or something, it's kind of slow. This was not slow. This was the fastest I've ever seen. It was like 32, 29, 27, 20.
Speaker #0
And what you did call.
Speaker #1
I did call just because I was like, this is rapidly declining. Should I still be rolling along on this tire? You know, I didn't want to mess up the wheel or anything else. I also wanted to be safe. I had one of the kids in the car trying to make it home, pulled into the neighborhood, going very slowly. It's like, maybe I should call Terrell. Maybe he can help me out right now. Maybe he can give me some advice. What should I do? And
Speaker #0
I'm like, why are you calling me? And then I'm like.
Speaker #1
Why would I not call you? Well,
Speaker #0
I mean, I get it. And I'm like, where are you? It's like, well, just roll on home.
Speaker #1
Yeah. So I rolled on home. It was 17. It was the air parker in my tire. Then got out and it was, yeah, it was very loud. I've never seen.
Speaker #0
it like that it was like a hollow cylinder she like she meant like a bullet like a bolt but it was hollow like it was the air was busting out yes yeah so that was quite the adventure when life happens and you have those un unplanned events in the middle of your schedule i was in the middle of work um as well as we had a kid at somewhere else yep another kid going to soccer so yeah it was quite the adventure uh well we've got a service plan and yeah i was just super thankful and grateful for all the little details the lord definitely was watching
Speaker #1
over us you know for the fact that i made it home i didn't have to pull over on the side of the road you were actually at home you know so you were here to help out Um, we had two cars so I could take the other car and do what else we had to do. Um,
Speaker #0
so everything in the midst of that stuff, you got to remember to give thanks and everything under his protection.
Speaker #1
Well, it's God.
Speaker #0
Amen for you. All right. So, um, you ain't listening.
Speaker #1
I ain't listening.
Speaker #0
Well, let's get into it. Again, if it's the first time joining us, we provide strategies and we help provide faithful content to help you communicate in your relationship. So everything we're going to give you today is based on a fact from God's word. truth from his word because we believe ultimately that's where success uh lies in our relationship that's right so um a lot of times we hear well that's just me that's who i am that's how i communicate that's how i talk And is that the right way to approach any situation when you're trying to communicate or attempting to communicate or just have normal conversation?
Speaker #1
Right. Now, we talk a lot about communication styles. So we've gone over those styles before. But we're going to go a little bit deeper this time and really talk through. Is it okay to just say, well, that's my communication style. That's just how I am. That's just.
Speaker #0
Anyone says that's my communication style.
Speaker #1
Yeah. Somebody is like, I'm assertive. People are, are proud to be assertive. They're proud to speak their mind. That's the way I am. This is how you're going to get communication from me. Um, and then also to think about that for yourself. Is it okay for you to think that for yourself? This is just the way I am. Everybody else can deal with. how I need to communicate and get my point across. So we're going to go a little bit deeper into the reasons behind that and the communication with your spouse, which is the most important thing that we work on. Okay. So diving right in, we are going to start right there. What do you think when somebody says that's just the way I communicate and it's time for you to deal with those facts?
Speaker #0
Fact. I think that whenever we're making those kind of statements or deal breakers, because ultimately it's a deal breaker. Okay. You know, you're going to do this or else we're not going to be able to talk.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
And so, you know, it's really where is that coming from and why is it stemming from that? Most times, at least I have found, it's because that person does not want to change. That person doesn't want to put forth the effort. And, you know, communication is mastering the art of negotiation.
Speaker #1
Okay.
Speaker #0
It is, it's a form, it's an art form. Right. You have to study and want to be a good communicator. I remember the first time that I had a mentor who talked to me about, it was corporate communication at that point. But it's, you have to want to be a good communicator. to succeed in establishing your message and then receiving people's messages. So just to say, well, if this is how it is, you're going to get how it is and that's it. It's kind of defeating the purpose and it puts up a roadblock.
Speaker #1
It does. And then also it can create another roadblock when you get to that point of thinking of, well, my husband or my wife, they communicate this way. I communicate a different way. We're never going to meet in the middle. We're never going to be able to connect. because our styles are different or our needs are different. So you have that, that fixed mindset, right? That that's just, you know, how I am, that's how he is. And that's something that we can't overcome, or that's just something that is causing so much struggle or pain in our relationship that we can't get past it.
Speaker #0
So part of that is true. Part of that is, yes, they have a different communication style than you. And that can be the source. Or one of the sources or pain points in your relationship. And it seems like we can't get past this. So, okay. So how do we navigate that? It's. I've identified this problem. I've identified this area that needs improvement. Right. So now we have to do some flexing. We've got to do some adapting and some changing and try it up. First, if I know and I recognize and understand that you are X, Y, Z in your communication, maybe you are passive aggressive. Right. Maybe you are very direct. There is a person that I've just met and they are extremely aggressive. Okay. And, you know, very A-type personality, go get it, I'm going to get it done. So they are, you know, they can... succeed in different environments, and they're going to bomb another environment, right? Because that personality isn't going to work in certain situations. Exactly. So you have to recognize that and then... If you know that's how you are, then you've got to adapt and not use that same approach in every situation. Right. Because one approach does not work for all people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
In all situations and in all times.
Speaker #1
So you think that's a good thought of this is how I typically communicate. This is my default, right? This is what my go-to is. You're going to have a main,
Speaker #0
you are who you is, who you is. who you are and you do you think that can be changed though i know i believe you can grow okay and you can expand okay but you've got a default you've got a program you have got that that's that that's what makes you you and that's how i believe we believe you're recreated so i believe that you have been created with a you know a right dna or special right i footprint That makes Jennifer, Jennifer, makes Terrell, Terrell. Right. Right? And so that's that. But you can grow and you can expand. Obviously, we are products of our environment. Some of us are victims of our environment.
Speaker #1
Experiences, right.
Speaker #0
Experiences. Maybe you only saw exaggerated. a non-productive in your childhood it was always intense yelling and screaming and so you thought that was the way to communicate yeah and now you learn and you see you model it right that's not the way i was supposed to respond so yes you can change behavior you can adapt behavior but you still got your blueprint of This is who you are. And that takes time. Right. Even to change, even to grow.
Speaker #1
Right. And I agree that you are naturally, right, quote unquote, naturally built a certain way to communicate. So I may be passive in my communication naturally. And I agree that there should be areas that you can grow in. You should be able to grow and develop those communication skills. especially if you're aware of it, number one, and especially number two, if you want to get better. So if your mindset is I can work on this, I can grow in this area, I can change, you know, I believe that we look ultimately to God's word to define how we should be treating other people, communicating with other people. So if that is not in alignment with what we consider our default communication style. We need to take a look at ourselves and self-reflect on that and say, am I communicating to my spouse particularly, but to anyone how Christ wants us to communicate to other people? Whether I want to be aggressive or whether I'm built to be passive, like it's not okay just to default. Well, that's just how I am.
Speaker #0
Well, the trigger for that is, or the tell is, are you successful? The tell is, do you find yourself? repeatedly in disagreements with multiple people.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Okay. That's your tell. So if you find drama, wherever you go, then mirror might be pointing somewhere.
Speaker #1
The hard part is if you're enjoying that drama and that's how, like you said, you're, that's all you've known. So you're just. That's how life is. And that's what maybe you even feed off of. And maybe that's even what you like. And maybe potentially maybe you like to be in control and be assertive and demanding because that's how you want to come across or that's how you feel you need to come across in certain situations. And so I just argue that we also need to talk about what God, how God would like you to communicate with other people and have that as a basis, as a foundation. and really self-reflect on, am I treating people? Am I talking to people? Am I communicating with people the way God wants me to? So we need to look at his word and what, like, how is God asking us to communicate with other people? Right. He, he reminds us that we're slow to speak. We're quick to listen. You know, we're not quick to anger. We speak with gentle words. We're kind, we're compassionate. And so if our communication, no matter what our communication style is, if those things aren't in place, we do really need to look at ourselves and say, am I communicating well? Am I communicating how God wants me to?
Speaker #0
Yeah, that is something that is hard for people to do. All of us. Yeah. So self-reflection is important. And having that time to, again, say. Why didn't this particular conversation go the way I wanted it to go? What went sideways? How did it get sideways? How can I prevent that in the future? I'm wondering if you have any questions or feedback about this discussion, feel free to drop it in the comments below on YouTube, or of course you can always DM us at Oak Haven Company or send an email to hi at oakhavencompany.com. A question that did come my way was, hey, how do I show honor? Or how do I not, you know, I... The comment came back to me as you're not listening. Right. And I said, well, if someone is telling you that you're not listening, you're not listening. Okay. That's what they're. And maybe they didn't say it the right way. Maybe they said at an elevated tone. Right. They probably didn't communicate it out of frustration. Again, we have to give people grace. Amen. But you have to. You have to hear what they're trying to say. And we may get into a future episode. Yeah. But what is he trying to communicate? Or what is she trying to say? You don't do the dishes. You don't do this. It's beyond dishes. It's beyond. Right. The food wasn't done. It's beyond that. What is, what's the root or what are they really trying to say?
Speaker #1
What's the underlying?
Speaker #0
What is the underlining? That person probably feels disrespected. They probably feel unheard. And why do they feel unheard? Yeah. Because maybe you interrupt, interject, don't let them finish their thoughts, or whenever they try to give an idea or thought, you shoot it down. or don't receive it, or you say you heard, but never follow through or never actually do what they're asking. So those things build up these potlucks and volcanoes of resentment that then comes spewing out. And so It's very, very important to take for a moment and pause and say, okay, you know, it's one thing for me to say, this is me and this is who I am, except to take it, chew it. It's another thing to say, this is me. I'm working on things. Will you accept this?
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
And we're going to grow together and give each other grace. Because ultimately we want to work together and we want to communicate and we want to hear each other and we want to flow together.
Speaker #1
Right. We're on the same team. Let's work on this together. And I think it's a great point that you made is that you can't control another person's behavior. You can't control another person's communication style. And so if you're dealing with somebody, like you said, that has a certain communication style that may be aggressive or maybe sarcastic or. maybe somebody that just completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, you know, you can't control the other person, but you can control how you're communicating with them. And you can put those strategies in place to help that communication go as smooth as possible. So like you've said before, you may have to deal with somebody differently, how you communicate with somebody dependent upon how they typically respond.
Speaker #0
That will. That's the major growth aspect is adapting your communication to fit the person, the place, and the thing that you are communicating about. So if it is. You know, the way I communicate with you is completely different than how I communicate with our children. It's completely different than how I communicate with a person I'm doing business with. Right. And even with those, there's different ways of communication. Right. Some people, it's going to require more patience. Some people, it's going to be more quick. Some people are going to require quick and direct. Right. Can't beat around the bush. Right. Some people you have to take your time.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And so that makes you a better communicator because you want your message to get received. And so just because someone is, why, why, why does it take so much time to explain myself? That's who they are. And either you either be patient for them to grow or. And simultaneously, you're adapting your communication style.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And fitting what they need.
Speaker #1
Exactly.
Speaker #0
And prayerfully, you're getting that in return. So there's three questions you want to ask yourself to help you become a better communicator. Okay. Number one, you want to ask. how am I communicating? Right. So it's what I'm saying landing. Right. It's what I'm saying being received. And then number three, what are my strengths and what are my weaknesses as a... a communicator. And so you may know those things, or you may have to ask someone, which is a great thing. Like, Hey, let's say, ask someone, how am I communicating? Yeah. What are some things that I could do better? What do I, where do I get off in my communication? They'll tell you.
Speaker #1
Yeah. I think that's so important to be willing and able to ask somebody else, even ask a friend, a family member, if you can't quite ask your spouse yet, but how am I communicating? What is.
Speaker #0
you know typical pause there ask your spouse because that's the person we need to be communicating with and take it and eat eat that campbell's uh response soup don't be defensive don't which
Speaker #1
is a test of your communication style right there it is like do you have to talk back when they're telling you hey do you have no no that's that's not proving the point right um but that's extremely important it's to be able to ask somebody, because like you said, they're going to tell you, and they might say things that you don't want to hear, or maybe you don't even think are true.
Speaker #0
And if they don't tell you, that's an opportunity for you to begin to build trust. Okay. If they say, I don't know, I don't want to tell you, you're going to get mad, right? That is a wall. That is fear and apprehension. And there's been some trigger in the past of breach where you respond in a certain way and they've got a scab. Yeah. And so we've got to go back and do some patching and some repairing like that. tire exactly and over yeah and say okay listen i really and truly want to get better in our communication we have been failing we've been trying every time we talk about finances it gets off and it gets derailed every time we cut We talk about the kids and what school it gets derailed at. Every time we talk about my mother-in-law, it goes sideways. Every time I talk about I'll bring up X, Y, Z, it goes X, Y, Z. So this time, I'm not saying anything.
Speaker #1
Okay. Right.
Speaker #0
And I'm going to let you get off your chest. what you need to say. And I will not respond. And you've got to stick to it. And no matter how your hair burns, chew those words and eat it. Yeah. Take the low road. And as you said, be like the Lord. Imagine Jesus at Calvary. Not only are they lying and accusing him of false things, he's saving them.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
Redeeming them. And the Bible says he opened not his mouth. Right. So no, I'm not Jesus. But it's a great example of you don't always have to give a reply and defend yourself because the greatest defense is truth.
Speaker #1
Amen. And it takes maturity and it's going to take prayer. Even, you know, you can pray and ask God to give you that grace, give you that patience, give you the skills that you need, right? To ask those questions and really sit down with your spouse and work that out. And you can start right there before you. you know, actually prepare for that conversation as well with your spouse.
Speaker #0
Yeah. Now, as we close, there is a, you know, there is a type of personality and there may be a situation where, you know, when I actually, when I try to communicate, it goes into a brick wall or that person does get defensive. That person goes AWOL. Right. And so now if you recognize and you know, okay, I have a person who's a narcissist or I've got a person who just, you cannot.
Speaker #1
Yeah.
Speaker #0
have certain conversations, make the in your own book, make mental notes. And you have to kind of sometimes dance around and be a, allow God to help you navigate conversations so that you don't hit twitches and triggers. But you're also able to walk in a place of peace in your own life, in your own mind, because that's important as well.
Speaker #1
That's right. And that may take some time. It might not be instantaneous for that to happen. But working that out and taking that time and spending time in prayer specifically for those things, you know, God hears you. He will answer those prayers and he can heal those relationships.
Speaker #0
100%. So if you have... uh got anything from today's episode the topic we'd love to hear you pour in about these uh topics and what questions you have again hit us up at oak haven company email hi oak haven company dot com i think that that's why we want to talk to you about a great giveaway which is our prayer guide because prayer ultimately is a the first step it sounds so basic and elementary but it is the ultimate truth of allowing god to Literally give you the word to say.
Speaker #1
That's right.
Speaker #0
Because there are many situations where you want to say something and he'll be like, no.
Speaker #1
Right.
Speaker #0
Not now.
Speaker #1
A hundred percent.
Speaker #0
Keep that, hold that. So we've put together five. Power prayers, is that it?
Speaker #1
Powerful prayers, yes, for your relationship. That's right.
Speaker #0
Five prayers you need to pray and have over your relationship. It's going to transform. It's going to change it. It's going to put things in perspective where there's been five. fights and contention and disagreements and going back and forth, you're going to begin to see peace and calm transformed into your relationship through these five powerful prayers. Click the description or the link in the description below. Yep. It'll be there. OK, we'll come in dot com as well. Is it five prayers?
Speaker #1
It is five powerful prayers. It'll help you know what to pray for. It'll give you a sample prayer. It'll let you know the scripture that we're basing the prayers on because we're not just getting this from, you know, society. So we really show you how it's grounded in scripture, what to pray. And you can start praying those today. Download it right now. Stick with it. Devote some time to prayer because. A hundred percent. It will transform your relationship.
Speaker #0
Love it. So do that right now. Like, don't wait, like, don't be like, well, I'll get it later. You know, I'm busy. It'll take you 15 seconds. It's a free gift to you. And again, it's just a way for you to go. deeper go uh and to a greater level so it is oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers that's it oakhavencompany.com slash five prayers get that today like don't wait don't be like well i'm gonna do it later or i will get it and like no right now get this free gift it's our free gift to you and a way for you to move past conflict move past disagreement move past misunderstanding and get into alignment get into unity get into understanding in your relationship. So okavencompany.com slash five prayers. It's also in the description. and get changed today.
Speaker #1
Amen. Get it today. Start today 100%. Devote your time to prayer. It will change your relationship.
Speaker #0
Thank you so much for watching. We appreciate you. Smash that bell. Hit that subscribe. Rate us, please. Rate us. That's important as well because it helps the algorithm move us to more people. So if you're getting content, some of you have been listening, take 30 seconds. Take 10 seconds. Give us a rating. Say great or wonderful. Two words. Awesome. We would greatly appreciate it. It means the world to us. Thank you for our listeners and our watchers. We will see you next week. Remember, it's wisdom that builds the house.
Speaker #2
Did you get anything from today's topic? Do you want to build your home into a haven and have a peaceful atmosphere? Then take the first step and download your home prayer guide absolutely free. You'll find scriptures and prayers that pertain to the most common areas of your home life. From communication to finances, along with explanations of each topic, you'll have everything you need to speak the promise and not the problem. And did we mention it's free? Look for and click the link in the description. Our mission is to assist couples in their relationship communication so that they can build a haven of peace and love. Friend, you can have a fulfilling relationship. And we hope today's topic provided tools that will help you experience the fullness of a faith-centered relationship. So connect with us on social and send a message. Find us at Oak Haven Company on all social media platforms. We also have additional resources available to assist you on your journey. So visit oakhavencompany.com today and discover even more tools for success in your relationship communication. Again, thank you for listening. And remember, wisdom builds the house.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About Christian Marriage Conversations | Using Communication to turn your Home into Haven

Hi friend, we’re Terrell and Jen—welcome to the Home to Haven Podcast!

If you desire a stronger, faith-filled Christian marriage, better communication, and deeper connection, you’re in the right place!

Each episode is packed with practical tools and faith-based strategies to help in your Christian Marriage. You'll:

Improve marriage communication and understanding
Navigate conflict with grace and biblical wisdom
Create a peace-filled, joy-filled home rooted in Christ
Strengthen your emotional and spiritual connection

Marriage is God’s design for Christians, and He desires for it to thrive in it! Join us as we explore how to build a Christ-centered relationship that reflects His love and purpose.

Let’s turn your home into a haven, one conversation at a time.

In Expectation,
The Turners

Connect: hi@oakhavencompany.com

Social: @oakhavencompany

Join the Community!

Receive our weekly newsletter: The Haven for encouragement, communication tips, and the latest news. https://newsletter.oakhavencompany.com/inline

View our Resources to Help Your Communication

https://learn.oakhavencompany.com

Visit: https://oakhavencompany.com

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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