Transcription

• Talaya_Host

  Hello, everyone. I'm Talaya Dendy. If you're new to the show, I am the host of Navigating Cancer Together. It's the show that has something for everyone facing cancer. Why? Because everyone is different with different needs, beliefs, and perspectives. Thank you for joining us for this episode. I encourage you to open your minds and your hearts. Today, our very, very special guest is my brother, Jerrelle Berry. Jerelle and I are 10 years apart, and he's 10 years younger. He is one of my very best friends, and he's actually giving me a gift today. This recording will be released August 7th, but my birthday is several days after that. So having him as a guest on this show is a very big gift to me. I'm so excited for you all to hear my brother's perspective about how a cancer diagnosis impacts siblings. Jerrelle is a health insurance agent, and he loves fitness and traveling. I am so grateful, Jerrelle, that you have joined me here today to really give your perspective about how my cancer diagnosis impacted you. Jerrelle, thank you so much for joining us today, and welcome. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. And thanks for having me. And yes, I'm an insurance agent. I love fitness. I try to work out at least. four to five times a week. I love to travel whenever I get a chance because Minnesota, it's boring here. So it's always good to get away when I can.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yes, yes. I know exactly what you mean. I have the traveling bug too. And it is a place where, you know, you really have to get away and just explore different things.

• Talaya_Host

  Exactly.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Jerrelle, I am so honored to have you here with me today. We are. We have been through so much together in life. We've grown together. I am just so proud of the man that you've become. And it's so interesting because when we were younger, the 10 year difference seemed like a big difference. But now that we've gotten older, it doesn't seem like much of a difference at all. And again, I'm just so proud of the man that you've become. The other thing I just want to say is that I'm so happy that our mom. really taught us to honor each other, to respect each other, and to work out our differences with respect. So that's, I really think, what helps us to have a really close relationship. What are your thoughts on that?

• Talaya_Host

  Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, I agree 100%. She always taught us to stick together no matter what. And yeah, we've been doing it all our lives. So I appreciate that.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  The other thing is that we actually know each other and we show up for each other and we respect each other. And I think sometimes in family dynamics that gets lost, the respect piece, because people are just like, well, that's my family and they'll just deal with whatever.

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, I agree with that 100 percent. Because some family, I think just because they're family, they can get away with certain things. And that's not. cool at all.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yeah. Well, you keep doing everything that you're doing. I know that more great things are to come for you. I would really like to get going on why we're really here. We could go on and on forever and people would be like, well, we didn't come here to hear your other conversation. So,

• Talaya_Host

  so yeah,

• Jerrelle_Guest

  go ahead. No problem.

• Talaya_Host

  I'm proud of what you're doing with your business. sharing your information and your story with the world and communities. So keep knowing what you're doing as well too.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Thank you so much. You know, that means a lot. And another thing I want to mention is you're somewhat of a private person like myself, and it really means a lot. It's just really a testament to your level of support in showing up here with me today, because I know it's not easy when you are a private person. But thank you for believing in my mission and the work that I'm doing. As I mentioned, we're going to talk about how a cancer diagnosis impacts one sibling. I thought it was really interesting. I came across a study by Burke and Dunne. And the stud is called You Nearly Feel Like You Have a Bit Less Right to Grieve. And it's a qualitative study on the impact of cancer on adult siblings. And that study can be found in the Journal of Cancer Survivorship. And I will share a link to this study in the listen notes for this episode. What this study examined was the impact of cancer diagnosis and treatment on adult siblings. The study aimed to explore the positive and negative impacts of cancer on adult siblings, including bereavement. And the second aim of this study was to understand how they are supported, how the siblings are supported. The study identified five main themes relating to the impact of cancer on adult siblings. And those themes are changes in family relationships, siblings grief being forgotten, benefits of social support networks, supporting their siblings, and caregiving and self-support. The findings of the study highlighted the substantial impact that cancer can have on adult siblings. Yet siblings may often feel overlooked or forgotten in favor of other family members. There are positive and negative impacts of a sibling's cancer. Positive impacts include the way in which sibling and family relationships can change for the better following a cancer diagnosis, and the negative impacts for siblings of cancer patients include the burden associated with caring for their sick sibling. There is a clear need for organizations and support services to improve the tailoring of services for siblings. So this study... really is what prompted me to have a detailed conversation with my brother Jarrell about his experience watching all of this unfold. And we've talked about it in the past, but in the past when we had this conversation, I was not aware of this study, of course. This study came out in 2023, so just last year. And I thought it would really be interesting to go back and revisit that conversation and maybe... Ask some more targeted questions. So, Rell, you ready for the conversation?

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, I'm ready.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Wonderful. So, Rell, please describe your initial reaction when I shared that I had cancer. When I called you that evening on a Friday, what was your initial reaction when I shared the news with you?

• Talaya_Host

  I was actually shocked because you were young at this point. You're still young now, but you were young. I'm just like. And I was like confused, like how you, how you received the diagnosis of cancer because you don't drink, you don't smoke, you eat pretty healthy too. So I was just shocked and scared when I didn't know the full details of the type of cancer that you had at the moment. And kind of stressed out too because I didn't want anything to happen to you. So it was scary at the time, I'm not going to lie.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that. And I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It was a really tough time for all of us. And I can imagine, you know, just hearing that and just like, well, okay. It sounds like you had really some of the same questions I had and same feelings. Like, you know, I was thinking the same thing. Well, I don't drink, I don't smoke. How did I get cancer? And yeah, it was, it was pretty scary hearing those words. So thank you so much for sharing that.

• Talaya_Host

  You're welcome. And yeah, you don't eat processed foods or anything like that. You always ate pretty healthy far as I know. I'm just, I didn't understand it. I'm like, how did it happen that you evolved, Pete?

• Jerrelle_Guest

  It really made me realize that again, cancer doesn't care. It doesn't care how you eat a lot of the times and, and all those different things. Like there's so, so, so many different factors and I still never got a straight answer about. how I got cancer. And I think that's the really trivial piece for a lot of people is like, we want to know so we can do as much as we can to prevent it in the future. But a lot of times, in many cases, there's no definitive answer.

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, I don't have any words for that. I don't want to say too much. But yeah, that's just, I already don't have the answer for that. I think me personally.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Mm hmm. Yeah. for as long as you know it's been around i'm just i'm just hoping that we get to a point where there is a cure for cancer and it's accessible to everyone me too well my next question for you is how did you process the news in the days and weeks following my diagnosis how did you work through all of those feelings that you were having well

• Talaya_Host

  if i talk to some close friends about it They were supportive of it. So everything's going to be all right. Once you found out what type of cancer it was, I educated myself when it's true. And then something told me, I think it was pretty sure it was God that told me that everything is going to be all right. Because we have strong faith. We've been taught to have strong faith. And my mom, so I believe that you are going to be okay after I educated myself on it too.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  You're right. Faith really does play a big part. You know, I'm not going to sit here and say that I go to church every Sunday or anything like that. But I definitely believe in God. That really played a big part in that experience and in my life. So thank you for leaning into your faith as well, because that helps everyone.

• Talaya_Host

  Well, most definitely it does. I prayed a lot about it, too. Yeah, I was hectic around that time personally in the beginning. But as time progressed and you were starting to get better, that's when I started feeling better, too.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  What were some of your biggest fears? and uncertainties. How did the uncertainties of how things were going to go and how things were going to look, how did that impact you?

• Talaya_Host

  Like I said, it was scary in the beginning, but yeah, what I thought was like, what if they weren't able to cure it? And then what if you passed away from it? That was like my main two concerns right there.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yeah. You know, That thought entered my mind when I got the initial diagnosis, but I quickly shifted from worrying about dying to how am I going to live? What do I have to do to overcome this thing? You know, what do I need to do? How am I going to muster up the energy to go through six months of chemotherapy and a month of radiation? Like you, initially, my thought was death, because that's what we always hear. But yeah. And I said, no, I got to shift my thinking and really focus on how am I going to live? I need to figure out what I need to do to overcome this thing.

• Talaya_Host

  And you fought through it. Congratulations once again.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's a team sport. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you, mom, and the other support that I had as well. So always eternally grateful for that. How did the diagnosis change your role within our family? Do you feel like it changed your role in our family?

• Talaya_Host

  Not necessarily changed my role, but I know I had to like step up to be there for support, you know, be there with you, talk with you, and go with you to your appointments, and then sometimes sit with you through chemo too. So I was like, I gotta be even more supportive than normal. I don't feel like my role change is just increased, if that makes sense.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Absolutely. You being there and providing that support made the world a difference. A lot of times caregivers and loved ones, they feel helpless. They don't, they feel like they don't know what to do, but I always tell people just show up, keep showing up. Even if you don't know what to say, you're not sure what to do. Because that person who is going through treatment, who is going through cancer, they appreciate you being there. That takes away the feeling of being, of feeling alone. And so I appreciate you because you were working, you know, you had your own responsibilities, your own life at the time. And you made time to show up for me, as you said, even more. And again, I appreciate that.

• Talaya_Host

  You're welcome. That's what we're supposed to do.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  How do you feel our relationship has changed since my diagnosis in 2011?

• Talaya_Host

  Well, we were always close. I think it made us grow closer together relationship-wise. We never were apart relationship-wise, but I think it made our relationship even stronger than before.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  I really agree with that because... As I mentioned early in this episode, we have been through a lot together. And then that was something else, something that we've never experienced together before. And so I kind of felt like we were figuring this thing out together.

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, it was navigating through it together. Mm hmm.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  From different perspectives, but together. And, um. It just really made for a very interesting life experience, really. I had never experienced anything like that. Of course, we've had family members that have passed on and things like that. But to just be right there and. You be the one that's sick or you be the one who is seeing your loved one go through something like cancer or another illness. It's really different.

• Talaya_Host

  It is.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yeah, very different. I was in my 30s at the time. So that means you were in your 20s and we were both really young. And so and so and so, you know, kind of going through something like that. those ages too. For me personally, it really matured me, I think, much faster because I felt like there was more of an urgency to live life. How do you feel about that? You know, being in your early twenties, seeing someone go through that, you being right in the thick of it, how do you think that impacted you at that age?

• Talaya_Host

  Well, it definitely impacted me. It made me more aware of like health, being more healthy too. Like trying not to be stressed out about things because I know stress can cause cancer too. And also basically I changed my diet too. I was working out at the time too, but then I changed my diet even more around those times. So yeah, that impacted me a lot. It opened my eyes like it could happen to anybody.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  It was interesting, to say the least. Now I want to shift more to family dynamic. I experienced some things. You experienced some things. Certain people didn't show up for their reasons. Not sure why. It doesn't even matter at this point. It doesn't. But how do you feel it changed our family dynamic?

• Talaya_Host

  Basically, it shows us who we are. real and who is not who's not real pretty much that's what it showed me it opened my eyes i'm like wow i thought this person would would actually be there and that person wasn't there so i'm like that yeah that bothered me right there i'm like we were all supposed to be close but that person didn't show up at all like they were supposed to so i look at that relative completely different behind that too

• Jerrelle_Guest

  That was one of the eye opening and also hard parts of that experience. And I really had to shift my focus from that to and focus on getting better. But it was a hurtful experience to not have certain people show up and people that you've shown up for before as well in many times and not having that support reciprocated. It definitely, it definitely. impacted me in a not so good way. But at the same time, I realized that I couldn't focus on that, that I had to focus on, you know, continuing to live and overcoming cancer.

• Talaya_Host

  Right. You had to stay focused and stay positive. I believe if you would have focused on negative things, you wouldn't have came out of it the way you did. So it's good that you focused on yourself, not the negativity. Yeah. People that was supposed to be there applaud you for that.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Thank you. And I'm not going to sit here and act like it was easy because it wasn't. Of course, there was a lot of gossip and, you know, oh, did she lose her hair and just all kinds of just insane things to me that why would a person even say some of the things? But that goes back to the importance of having the right kind of people around you. And I feel like with like you and mom and a few other people, I had the right kind of people around me that were able to just kind of insulate me from a lot of those those things and just help me to realize that getting better was the most important thing. Yeah,

• Talaya_Host

  most definitely. You definitely do have to have a good core of support. people in those type of situations. Anybody that's like negative, I think it would just impact the process of healing. So yeah, it's good that you didn't have those negative people around. Me personally, I think. So it worked out for the best.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Yes, I agree. I agree. What were some of the biggest challenges that you faced? I know you spoke on your emotions and things like that. Were there any challenges that you had faced as a result of my diagnosis?

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, just trying to stay positive, you know, trying not to be negative, have negative thoughts, and just trying to stay strong. Some days were harder than the others, but that's some things that impact me. Sometimes I was thinking about it at work, so it kind of impacted that too, and just my regular life. And I was like, everything's going to be okay. Just kept praying and built up strength to stay positive and supportive. did the best that I could do to help out.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  And you did that. You absolutely did that. And again, just so grateful to have a brother like you. A lot of people don't have a brother or siblings that they're close with and that they can lean on and just grateful. Well, from your perspective, were there any silver linings that you discovered or that you experienced?

• Talaya_Host

  Yes, there was. So after learning about the type of cancer that you had, the hydrogen lymphoma cancer, I did some research on it, and I found out that the form of cancer that you had is less aggressive and it's more curable than the other cancers. So that made me happy too, and the positive that you were going to basically beat this thing too. So that made me really happy right there. I was like, wow, I feel a whole lot better now.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  That was one of the things that made me more hopeful as well, was that when I did the research and I talked with my oncologist about the success rate of the treatment that he was recommending, hearing the survival rates, the five-year and more survival rates was really encouraging. And that was something that when I learned about that early on, that was another thing that I used to just... fuel me to to help keep me going like that I can overcome this I can overcome this any other silver linings for you in your personal life or anything that was the main thing right there because like I said it was more it

• Talaya_Host

  was scary it was scary for me too I didn't want nothing to happen to you so I felt real good about finding that information out too so that made me feel a lot better you mentioned faith earlier

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Were there any other ways that helped you to stay hopeful during that difficult time?

• Talaya_Host

  I've mentioned this before, but prayer, that's one of the main ones right there.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  I think faith or spirituality or whatever it is that people believe in and practice, I think is so critical all the time, but especially during times when someone you love is facing cancer or any other illness or disease, prayer and faith are key.

• Talaya_Host

  That's it.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  What advice would you give to other siblings going through a similar experience?

• Talaya_Host

  I would say just be there for your brother or sister the best way that you can. There's no written manual on how to do it. You just have to just be there just for support, you know, talk. try to be strong best way you can stay prayed up have a positive attitude and just you know just be there you know go to the appointments go to the chemo set let's keep your your siblings company during that time soon even at their homes too because that helps your sibling out too so you have this be there the best way you can great advice thank you for sharing that

• Jerrelle_Guest

  You did a really great job being there to the best of your ability. You showed up, you checked on me on the days where you had to work and you couldn't physically be there. You checked on me every day, just made sure that I had the things I needed. And then also you kind of warded off negativity from other people, which I greatly appreciate as well. So I definitely have to say that you really stepped up. and showed up for me in more ways than one and in ways that I will be eternally grateful. I would always show up for you as well. Happy to do that. I just hope not in the same way, not for the same reason, I should say. Right.

• Talaya_Host

  Yes.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Rell, are there any organizations or resources that would have been helpful to you at that time?

• Talaya_Host

  I think what would help was like an organization for support groups for families who are helping their family members cope and deal with cancer. You know, just someone to talk to. and lean on for support outside of family, just someone else to talk to about those type of things. I think that would have helped a lot.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  I agree. At the cancer center I went to, I was not aware of any support groups or any resources for siblings or other family members. Of course, when you or mom came with me to appointments, you were greeted and things like that. But there wasn't anything specifically for you to support you, to help take care of you. And that was something that I noticed later on and that I thought about later on. Today, in 2024, there are like more caregiver resources and things like that. But I still have not seen anything specifically for adult siblings. They do have some resources for adolescents. siblings, but not for adult siblings. And I think it's really interesting because in some cases, there may be siblings who are single, and maybe the only person they live around is their brother or sister, and they may not have anyone else. And so that sibling is their primary caretaker. But when people think of caregivers, they typically think of adult children caring for their families or a spouse caring for another spouse. There isn't much discussion about siblings as caregivers or siblings as support systems. And I think that really needs to change.

• Talaya_Host

  Yeah, I agree because we go through it too. So that should be something that should be incorporated as well too for support for siblings who are supporting their...

• Jerrelle_Guest

  seven who has cancer so yeah I think that should be an option as well too yeah well as we wind down is there anything else that you would like to share today that you haven't had the opportunity to share about

• Talaya_Host

  you about your experience at that time anything yeah i learned a lot through that through it was even though it was your experience it was my experience too i actually learned a lot more about cancer what to watch out for and try not to stress about things. Just trying to be more healthy and active. I was active then, but that made me go even more harder too. So it was just being more aware and mindful about my health too. And just, you know, just watching out for things like that pretty much. So I learned a lot around that time about cancer. I knew some things about it, but there were some things I didn't know about it either. So it... open my eyes up to it even more.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  I think those are some really good things that came out of it is more awareness, more education, taking better care of yourself. That's a huge outcome, a good outcome from that experience. So thank you so much for sharing that. And hopefully nothing like this ever shows up again in our lives.

• Talaya_Host

  I hope not.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  But in the event that maybe someone else you know gets a cancer diagnosis or any diagnosis of a major illness, how has going through that experience with me, how has that prepared you? Should you have to step up and support someone else in that situation in the future? Do you feel like you would have a better handle on it?

• Talaya_Host

  If I feel like I will have a better handle on it, I know like what to do now, more things I can do and basically just try to be there for them for support as well. The same way I was there for you. Yeah. And just, you know, just pretty much just be there pretty much.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Well, again, you did a wonderful job being there for me. I will never forget it. And that's another chapter in our book. You know. As I mentioned several times, we've been through a lot together, grown together, matured together, so many different things. And that's what siblings should do for each other. That's what families should do for each other. And I'm grateful that I have you as a sibling.

• Talaya_Host

  I'm grateful I have you as a sibling as well.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  Thank you. This conversation really just supported the findings of the study that I mentioned earlier. And it really... It is important to make sure that siblings have the support that they need. They have the services and resources that they need. especially if they are the ones supporting and caring for their loved one, their brother, their sister. There just needs to be more of a focus on the family as a whole. When someone is diagnosed with cancer, I'm going to share the link to the study in the listen notes. And I encourage you to really check out that study because there's a lot to be learned from it. Again, it creates more awareness around how A cancer diagnosis impacts everyone in the family, everyone in that person's life. Before we end, I want to pose a question to the audience, a couple questions. The first question is, how has this episode made you feel about challenges faced by siblings of cancer patients? The other question is, if you have experienced a similar situation, well, really, it's not a question, it's a statement. But if you've experienced. a similar situation, I would really love to hear about your story. You can reach me on LinkedIn, just look for Talaya Dendy and let me know, send me a message and let me know how this episode impacted you. And if you've had a similar experience, how that experience impacted you. Also, how has this episode made you feel about challenges faced by siblings of cancer patients? What have you learned from this episode? Jarrell, thank you so much for taking some time out of your day to talk with me, to share your experience with the valuable listeners out there. And I'm so happy that they got a chance to meet you and hear from you. And thank you for your support over the years.

• Talaya_Host

  You're welcome. And thank you for having me and opening up your platform to me as well. I appreciate you letting me share my experience too. I respect. Thank you.

• Jerrelle_Guest

  My pleasure. I would like to give a shout out to the listeners. Thank you so much for joining us. Please share, follow, or subscribe so that you can easily find this podcast and listen again. You can listen to Navigating Cancer Together on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Again, if you'd like to have some conversations around this topic, send me a message on LinkedIn. You can search for Talaya Dendy. That is T-A-L-A-Y-A. D-E-N-D-Y. Also, if you or someone you love have received a cancer diagnosis, head on over to ontheotherside.life backslash guided meditation and get your free guided meditation today that will really help you work through those very stressful and challenging times and get re-centered. That is it for this Wednesday. Until next time, let's keep navigating cancer together. Take care. Thanks for listening to this episode of Navigating Cancer Together. I hope you found it helpful. Please be sure to subscribe, share, and tell your friends and family about it. For notes from the show and previous episodes, visit ontheotherside.life and check out the podcast section. I would love it if you join me for the next episode. Talk to you soon.