Speaker #0It's April Fool's Day and I want to ask you, are you playing yourself or are you being honest with yourself? So on today's episode of The Road Beats Back to Me, I'm going to be talking to you about getting real with yourself. And with that, I mean, when you're asking yourself, is this person being honest with me? And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about friendships too. Because oftentimes we like to give the benefit of the doubt a little bit too much and that's something that should be earned. So we're going to be covering things that I want you to be mindful of because you, my friend, are not going to be a fool this April. Let's talk about it. So I want to start off with telling you you're not confused and I'm going to talk to you like a loving big sister right now and you may or may not like what I'm about to say but like I always tell you guys, open heart and curious mind. You know what the answer is. You just don't like it because it doesn't really align with the picture that you had painted of what you felt this dynamic or friendship or relationship was, whether it was at one point intermittently or at all. And that's really important to know, because when you get really real with yourself, you are able to not only give yourself grace and empathy, but also be able to honor what the relationship maybe was at one point. Um, or what it's not right now, but what we tend to do because we really are accustomed to whatever we're familiar to is we extend a lot of grace. We extend a lot. And I mean, a lot of benefit of doubt. And like I mentioned, benefit of doubt is something that is earned. And it's something that as you continue to work. on this with a dynamic, whatever it is, friendship, loving, whatever, that's something that you recognize. Okay. I should give them the benefit of the doubt because I know that this person doesn't usually stem from this space. And even if you do understand where they're coming from, how much do you take on for yourself and how much do you really allow? Because like we know, people show us who they are. We believe them. And when they are engaging in these sorts of dynamics, we are allowing them. and effectively enabling them to continue behaving in that way. We can't get mad at them. We're allowing it. So this April Fool's, we're going to learn to clock things so we're no longer in those sorts of dynamics. Why? Because these sorts of dynamics, be it friendship, love, whatever, all lead to resentment if you continue to engage in it or toxic dynamics. And that's not what we're trying to do now. We're trying to have regulated nervous systems around here and you can't be in a toxic dynamic and have a regulated nervous system. That sort of dialectic does not exist. Respectfully. I want you to ask yourself if in the current dynamic that you're just getting curious to, if you are being chosen because you're choosing this person, but are they choosing you? And I want you to really ask yourself that. Also, how do you know you're being chosen? Do you feel like it? Does it feel safe? Does it feel? like love. What has love been for you? Has it been toxic? Has it been hurtful? Love isn't supposed to hurt. On contrary to popular belief, it's actually supposed to feel safe and it's actually supposed to feel like someone and something that even if you mess up, you feel safe enough to be like, I'm so sorry. I won't do that again. And because you respect that person, you won't do it again because you're mindful of that. When someone is inconsistent with you, it's by design. They're hot and cold on purpose because they know what they're going to try to push and pull with you. You're likely in that type of tug of war dynamic. Right. And that goes back to intermittent reinforcement, intermittent validation and all that toxic stuff that we talked about in all of the other videos that we've talked about. But with that being said, when you're being mindful of who your partner is and who you are engaging with. or allowing in your social circle, it's really important to understand if this person is inconsistent, that is their pattern. And it's by design. So if that's not what you want, clock it, be real with yourself, stop trying to fool yourself that they're going to change that pattern. If they wanted to change it, they would have changed it by now. But we've allowed it. So now here's where you get to get the reins and control again, and be able to really you navigate how you want this dynamic to go forward. So we all have stories that we tell ourselves, and that is actually by neurological design. Why? Because our brains want to protect us from feeling anything that can kind of skew us or take us off track or of whatever the circle of life is going on. Right. So if you have something that's very stressful, your brain isn't going to want to think about it. So it's going to want to distract or avoid or shop or binge or do whatever it has to do to not acknowledge that. that is when we begin to engage in the whole topic of being a fool. We fool ourselves into thinking it's okay they're just overreacting it's okay we start excusing and when we do that we're effectively recreating this toxic dynamic within ourselves where we're starting to believe that whatever they're doing is true to us and how we really feel when it's really not. So being mindful of that is really important because just because that's a story we tell ourselves does not make it real. And we need to be really honest with ourselves because sometimes think about it, right? Like it's a hard truth and hard truths are hard truths for a reason because they don't really feel comfortable. But if we're so busy trying to distract and not feel uncomfortable, we're living a lie. So being mindful of that and being really real with yourself in any sort of dynamic like this is going to be important for you, especially if you're trying to stay away and be. just creating more curiosity toward whatever dynamic it is that you're in. So something we tend to do is we want to try to explain and rationalize the behavior above everything. So some things that we'll say are, you know, they're just busy or they're going through something. Maybe I just need to be a little bit more patient. Notice how we and all of those statements assign the blame to ourselves and that there's something wrong with us instead of them. That's by design. That's what they've done. They've made you feel like something is inherently wrong with you when it's their behavior that's causing you to feel whatever you're feeling or causing the dynamic to engage in the way that it is. And that's by design. So being mindful of that, that even if that the things that you are explaining and thinking about are true, you need to ask yourself, does this dynamic still work for me? Is this something that I am okay with? Just because we can explain it, it does not excuse it. In true millennial fashion, I am going to give you a pop culture little clip that I want you to think about. And if you haven't watched it and you're dealing with this sort of dynamic, watch the cult classic, He's Just Not That Into You. Because if there was ever an example of what you try to convince yourself into oblivion and try to explain someone's behavior away, it's that movie. That movie, he didn't call. He's just busy. He didn't show up. you know something just must have happened he's inconsistent no he's just scared and he just like i also think of white chicks when he's like oh because you know this the uncle or i think it's like the scene where she's like talking about how the his aunt died or something like that like twice removed and you're like wait what does that have anything to do with anything he's just not calling you because of that yeah his aunt died like three years ago and he's still grieving about it it's like what how is that relevant to this But we will over explain things just because our brain doesn't want to actually acknowledge it. And what that movie does is that it really romanticizes breadcrumbs, like the little bits of not only information, but even just attention or intermittent attention that people give you. And when we romanticize that, we think that that's normal. But again, that's why it's in a movie and that doesn't make it real. But those type of dynamics do occur in real life because we enable them. And we engage in them. So being able to watch that movie now as a 40-year-old woman that's happily married in a stable relationship, I'm like, oh my God, how did I ever think that was a normal thing that people do? Because we normalize it. We accept it, especially as a society and especially as a cohort. So being mindful of that is important because we then know we're not going to settle for where it comes. Effort is something that is supposed to be reciprocated. So it's not just, relationships are not one-sided. It's not just one person giving effort and then you chasing them. No, that's not what we're doing here. Especially if you're trying to find a real, true, and meaningful, healthy love. We are not fooling ourselves and feeding ourselves a narrative to try to keep this person in our life that doesn't want to choose us. Why would we do that? Truly. I want you to stop the video right now and ask yourself that. Why am I choosing someone that doesn't choose me? How does that make you feel? Because it can't feel good, especially if you're looking up this type of content. You're trying to find meaning and trying to understand and rationalize it. There are some things you cannot rationalize or explain. And this is one of them. Because what you allow will continue. So I actually have a real life example of a situation that happened to me when I was in my early 20s. I've dated a lot of busy guys. Right? Super busy. Like, so busy. Oh my god. Like, yeah, you know, they're just really busy. They're just really passionate about this project. And I will never forget, I dated this one guy in my early 20s who... would talk to me whenever he wanted to talk to me specifically usually around two three o'clock in the morning and that's when he was up and was able to to make time to speak to me right and I just thought I was so special because he was calling me you know he thought of me at 2 3 a.m right again if I could give younger Coco a hug and be like mom please please don't do that but she ended up um coming through at the end and learning about herself at the end and that's where the moral of the story will get to in this example. So there was one day that he just kept, you know, being very busy and we were supposed to go out and I got ready, I got dressed and he ghosted me. I was waiting in my room dressed up in tears because I was fully dressed with makeup, all this stuff, and it was four hours and he wasn't answering my text messages. But guess what? He ended up texting me about two, three days later. I'm so sorry. I was so busy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So what did I do? sassy coral kicked in and sassy coral was a fight and sassy coral and pharaoh coral are best friends and um when i say that i'll never forget telling him oh my god like are you okay and i i mean the academy award-winning performance that i did i was such an asshole and he deserved it every second of it and i remember being like oh my god are you okay and he's like yeah why and i'm like no because if you were that busy like have you eaten yeah you Have you gone to the bathroom? Have you drank water? Yeah. Also, then you could have messaged me. Were you able to take a shit? Because if you were able to take a shit, piss, or drink water, you could send me a simple hi. You can have the courtesy of telling me, hey, I'm really sorry. I'm really caught up. I can't go out with you. Instead of making me wait, dress, crying for four hours. I didn't tell him that I cried. I didn't tell him I cried. I had too much pride. But I cried because no one likes to be rejected and no one likes to be made to be felt like an afterthought. I can tell you this much. After that happened, I never spoke to the guy again. And that was on me. He tried messaging me again and then started messaging me at all hours of the day. Meaning he had the agency and the ability to be able to message me. He just chose not to. So now I chose not to engage with him. And then I just blocked him and never talked to him again. So he's probably lurking and watching this. So hi, loser. But with that being said, make sure that you always choose yourself and that you respect yourself. Because when you respect yourself, you demand that of others. And you should always deserve respect. Period. So I want to have a moment with you of radical honesty right now. And I've talked to you guys about DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. And one of the real big tenets of DBT is radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is understanding this is not the story I'm telling myself. This is what's the truth here. So I want you to ask yourself. what are you trying to talk yourself out of right now? What is the truth? Not what I do hope or what I want to become or what I want to be, but what have they actually said? What have they actually done? What have they kind of like the example I just gave you the person after I said, that's it, we're done, was able to text me throughout the day. And prior to that was messaging me whenever he felt like it. But since I gave myself importance now all of a sudden he's like, Oh, wow. I'm going to lose this girl. She did. If that's the case and where you're at, I want you to be so mindful of that because these sorts of actions are said aloud and they're not subtle. They have to be abrupt like that because you have to break the cycle and you have to break the loop. Once you start to do that, it again reinforces the intermittent validation, the intermittent reinforcement. So you need to break the chain immediately. It needs to be abrupt. It cannot be something subtle. And it's going to feel abrupt to you and abrupt to that person, as it should, because you're no longer engaging in that sort of toxic dynamic. Every time that you override your intuition, every time that you don't trust that spidey sense, that self-sense, that knowing that you know to be true, all you're doing is engaging in this cycle. And it's very important, and I keep talking about this, but it's very important to make sure we're highlighting this. Because your intuition is not trying to hurt you. It's actually trying to protect you. Because remember, that's what your brain is doing. So that's why even if it feels uncomfortable, it's trying to bring this to your awareness because you're a smart and intelligent being and your body is able and your brain is able to recognize when something isn't right for you. And even if your heart is telling you different, your mind is telling you something else. And it's important that you connect both of them, honor it, and really ground yourself on the foundation of respecting yourself. And am I allowing this? Because a lot of people... Do these things to avoid that felt sense or that feeling of rejection or abandonment, or what we call an insecure or avoidant attachment. And being mindful of that is really important because we don't want to have an insecure attachment. A healthy attachment, be it a friendship or a loving one, is secure. It's one that you feel like you can be yourself and honor yourself in it. So it's important to note that. Something I want you to be curious to in a little homework assignment is the next time you feel the need to have to explain this person's behavior, I want you to ask yourself, what is the pattern that I'm noticing right now? Label it. Be honest with it. Be truthful with yourself. Because at the end of the day, the only person you're fooling is you. You're going to still continue to feel like shit about yourself. You're going to still feel horrible trying to explain this behavior or rationalize it. And that's not right to you. So I just want you to create some awareness. And again, the curious heart and the mindful mind. Because when we're able to do that, we're able to stem more of a place of our value system and really, really instill that self-love that is true to you. Because you deserve to have self-love and you deserve to have self-respect and whoever you're with to respect you. I'm going to leave you with this. The biggest lie you will ever experience is the one that you keep telling yourself. to try to make yourself feel like everything that's going on is okay when it's not. The biggest lie you're going to tell yourself or will tell yourself is he's going to change or she's going to change because they're going to do it. I just have faith. We have all the faith in the world that does not make them change. And it's an unfortunate reality. And if they do change, it'll be for a little bit. And then they'll go right back to baseline because they can't help it. So just some loving big sister advice. And I hope that you can take away from this episode today that you, my friend, do not deserve to be made a fool. And on this April Fool's, you're more clever, more mindful, and much more grounded in your belief and in your self-respect because you deserve a love that loves you the way that you love. Thank you so much for following and for joining me on today's episode. You can catch. all my other episodes on all social media platforms. Please make sure that if you have anybody that can use this sort of advice or information to go ahead and follow along, share this video, and let me know in the comments if there's any part of this that you'd like me to expand on. Until next time, take care and be a good human, make good choices, and respect yourself. Take care.
