Situationships Explained: Why They’re Addictive (and So Hard to Walk Away From) | The Road Leads Back to Me

Description

Situationships are one of the most confusing—and addictive—relationship dynamics. Period.

In this episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, Coral breaks down why situationships feel harder to leave than actual relationships, and how they keep you stuck in a cycle of hope, confusion, and emotional attachment.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why were they so into me yesterday but distant today?”
“Why can’t I let this go?”

This episode is for you.

Coral dives into:

• Why situationships create an addictive emotional loop
• The truth about intermittent reinforcement and “breadcrumbing”
• Why we fall in love with potential instead of reality
• How confusion is actually the foundation of these dynamics
• The neuroscience behind why it feels so hard to walk away
• Why closure isn’t always what you think it is
• The difference between real love and emotional inconsistency
• Practical steps to break the cycle and reclaim your power

Through personal stories, pop culture references, and a trauma-informed lens, Coral gives you both the clarity and the tough love you need to stop chasing what isn’t choosing you.

Because if they wanted to… they would.

And you deserve a love that is clear, consistent, and mutual.

The road always leads back to you!

A new episode drops every Wednesday—another step on the road back to yourself, another moment to slow down, reflect, and choose healing. The Road Leads Back to Me is a space for honest conversations, emotional growth, mental wellness, and the kind of guidance that helps you navigate every twist, turn, and roadblock life places in your path.

Follow the journey and stay connected on all platforms: @TheRoadLeadsBackToMe for podcast updates and @CoralExplainsItAll for daily reflections, big-sister advice, and storytelling that meets you right where you are.

The road is long, but you never have to walk it alone.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Situationships are one of the most complex dynamics that unless you've been through it, you don't understand. But today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, I am going to be covering not only how situationships are actually harder than real relationships, they're actually much more complex and difficult to move from. Let's talk about it. So when I say situationships are more difficult than real relationships. It's because your body, mind, and soul has now become accustomed to what we call an addictive loop. What does that mean? We start to now almost be trained in the inconsistency. The person starts with giving you all this attention and the promise of tomorrow. Oh my God, we're going to be together. This is going to be excellent. The classic, I've never felt this way before or connected with anybody before. like this. And then all of a sudden stuff starts to just pause. What did I do? What happened? Why is this happening? Did I, did I say something? Did I misspeak? Things were great yesterday. Why is he not talking to me today? I promise you I've been there and it is one of the most confusing dynamics because that is what it is. Its foundation is that. Be confused. Why? Because then they can breadcrumb you and give you a little bit of what we call intermittent reinforcement. What is intermittent reinforcement? Intermittent reinforcement is when someone is giving you a little bit of praise, like, oh my God, I've never met anybody like you before, so that when they don't talk to you, you go back to that reality loop, that they said this to me. I know that's true. Why? Because we're confused. We need to ground ourselves on facts. And if the person said that to you, then that's a fact. However, you follow the road leads back to me and you probably follow my content. So you know that when people show us who they are, we believe them. And respectfully, talk is cheap. Committed action and follow through is what we look for. And people that give you that sort of situationship cannot follow through on things. Why? Because they bank on you being okay with what we call the addictive loop. And we're going to go into that now. So something that we see here with this intermittent reinforcement and addiction loop is something that we see in gambling. For example, let's say that you go to the slot machine, right? You've never gambled in your life and you go and you put 20 bucks in, you put that 20 bucks in and you cash out at like $3,000. What do you do? Oh my God, I now can make three grand out of 20 grand out of 20 bucks. I'm going to go and I'm going to keep trying this. And then you end up negative like 5,000 because you were trying to chase that initial 3,000, right? Similarly enough, we see that sort of pattern in this intermittent reinforcement and addictive loop. And unfortunately, people that have ADHD or are neurodivergent tend to really stick to this because what we look for here is a dopamine kick. and people have ADHD. really thrive off of dopamine or dopamine seekers. So what happens? We get the reward after that, because we as humans love rewards, right? Think of token economy. That's applied behavior analysis 101. If a kid behaves good, you're going to give them a sticker. The kid is going to want to continue to do things to get more stickers and hopefully by the end of the week, get a prize. Similarly enough. Now think of it. think about that and how many of us had that growing up. We are programmed to seek rewards. Similarly enough, with these sorts of dynamics, we are going to see that almost seeking of the dopamine, which is when we get that interaction or that reward, which is, oh my God, he texted me finally, or she's paying attention to me. That's what it kind of ends up marrying. So then you become addicted to the unpredictability, right? Because Again, us as humans, we are wired for reward. So what happens? We go, we cycle. And the cycle goes to connection, withdrawal, anxiety, and relief, rinse, and repeat. And it continues to go over and over again. And you are in an addictive loop, hoping that maybe something will be a little different. And on today's... episode you're gonna hear me be a little bit tougher on you and give you some big sister tough love because you need to hear these things as someone who's been through it It is one of the most heartbreaking things because you're actually confused going through it. And you want to believe that this person believes the things that they've told you because all of us want connection and all of us want to be loved and be with somebody that loves us back. Except in these type of dynamics, the confusion is what drives it and keeps you stuck in that addictive loop that we just spoke about. So I hope that you can listen with an open heart. And just know that this is just some loving big sister advice, but you need to hear this. This is not what you want. And this is likely not going to play out the way you want it to play out respectfully. So what happens in these dynamics that makes it addictive is we fall for potential. Why? Because we've seen what the person is capable of, right? We've seen that they're capable of telling you everything you want to hear. promising you the the beautiful romantic trip to san francisco that you guys are gonna go and have very specific details oh my god i feel so special this person went and really thought this out no this is this person's soundbite this is the rinse and repeat thing that he has said to multiple people i'm giving you that as a real life example that i got fed the bullshit i got fed once and it was just that bullshit and you need to clock it Because when someone tells you something so specific and can't then go commit to booking the trip or starting the itinerary, running away from it, that's how you know it's bullshit. Because if someone's saying that and has all that planned, hey, what are your weeks looking like? X date, X date. I've looked at this hotel. These would be our flights. Let's go. Right. If you're in a partnership, you know, when you take a trip with your partner, you've already talked about that and discussed it. And it's important that you... Really, really, really pay attention to not their potential, but their follow through, because that is the key thing here. You're going to talk to me and tell me all the things I want to hear, especially if I mean this respectfully, if we are seeking that sort of marriage or wanting to get that sort of level in our relationship. And when we want that, that's what we want to hear. Our brain is programmed to want to hear the things that we want. So when that occurs, people like this really bank on you wanting to be with their potential. And unfortunately, they just never follow through because they don't have the capacity, the will or the desire to. Because if they wanted to, they would, respectfully. One of the biggest examples I could think of falling for potential. And let me make sure I say this. This is. TV that I'm going to be referencing. And that's the problem, right? We fall for some of these things that we watch on TV and think, wow, this could really be me, right? Because we want it to be us. And on that note, I think of Grey's Anatomy. And I think of specifically the scene with Meredith, where she is there with McDreamy and is just saying, pick me, choose me, love me. When Addison is there now, all of a sudden. and he wants to get back with her. She fell for his potential. And if you follow that show, the emotional rollercoaster ride that was Meredith Grey and McDreamy is not something that a lot of our nervous systems respectfully could tolerate. And that's why it lives in TV, not in real life. And in true millennial fashion, I cannot go without speaking about the longest situation ship we've ever had to witness on television, Mr. Big. and carry. I hope that now that we are more regulated people and hopefully have more therapy under our belt, we can respect the desire and the whimsicalness of that dynamic and also respect how toxic it was and not something that any of us should strive. I think of when I was younger and I'd be like, oh, that's my Mr. Big. That's not a good thing. That's not a good thing. No, no. Why would we do that? So we now know that, right? But what we do know now in the neuroscience shows is that women are actually more prone to falling for this sort of dynamic. Why? Because we're nurturing by our biology. We want to have that sort of connection with someone and also that potential. And we're wired for that. And unfortunately, because of that, we tend to give what I call benefit of the doubt. and go a little benefit of the doubt blind. You know, we make excuses. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe he, you know, I don't know. I just don't think that he is in a space right now where he's ready to commit to that sort of thing. Okay, so how long are we waiting? Because we've been at this for a while. And you need to get very clear with yourself on how long you're willing to continue to entertain this. Because respectfully, if you're watching this video and looked it up, it means that you're probably not feeling good and you want an answer. So this is when I told you I'm going to be a little bit more tough love on you. That's what I mean. These are the harsh reality checks that I'm going to need you to really just sit with yourself with as you take in this information. Meanwhile, most men actually attach to what's happening in front of them and that's what they actually end up operating through as opposed to us being with potential. So for example, if you are allowing someone to continue to be avoidant and not answer you because that's what you're allowing, that's what they're going to continue. So That's a very important point to just really be mindful of because what you allow will persist. So you need to be very cautious of that. So you're probably wondering, how do I know if this is a situationship? Well, respectfully, a relationship is very clear. You know if you're dating someone, you know if they're your boyfriend, you know if they're your girlfriend, you know if they're your partner, whatever you identify as. And if you don't know that, you're in a situationship. So let's get clear with that. If you don't know, then that's that. If you feel scared. of having to ask them or say something to them, you're in a situation. Because if you're with a partner, and especially in the beginning, that's when the romance is fresh. It's clean. It's super exciting. And you should feel the safest to be able to say something to them because things are good. You probably haven't had your first fight yet or discussion because here's something I will say. Fights are healthy in relationships. Not that you need to be in one all the time. But if someone isn't fighting or a relationship doesn't have a fight, that means someone's holding back something in their dynamic and then, you know, not creating that secure attachment and working toward that. So that's really important for us to be mindful of as well. One of the things that I tell my clients, I've told my friends, and I've actually applied in my own life, right? So before I met my husband, I was in a really crazy situation. And I'll never forget, there was this moment where I had already told him how I felt and he promised me the moon, the stars and the sky, right? All the things that I felt for potential, right? And on paper, he was everything I wanted. Now, here's what I'll tell you. Months went by and anytime I tried asking where we were, he would avoid, deflect and literally ghost me. So I should have had all the red flags. We now know now and that's why we don't play that now. but I should have clocked all the red flags as he was presenting them. So here's what I'll tell you. If after three months you're with someone, that is a healthy time for you to have, number one, know that person. Two, know if, do you see a future with this person? And do you see outside of the potential actual follow-through, right? Because like I said earlier, talk is cheap. So if you want to go ahead and spit me Thank you. a huge game i always think of my dad my dad was cuban and he would say so i'll translate it in english but he would say no heck can i so that means don't let anybody give you a motor doesn't really translate well in english but pretty much don't let anybody talk a game to you and that's something that i'm always so grateful that i remember my dad saying to me because even though i didn't apply it a lot toward the end of that situation ship i was giving you the example of i would i would remember i like bro this guy's Like he's trying to just tell me what I want to hear. And thank God my dad said that because push came to shove and I confronted him. And he promised me that we were going to be together, do all these things. And guess what? He ghosted me. So I took a moment and I was like, well, I'm not okay with this. And I specifically told him, if you ghost me again, I will never speak to you again. And I'm a woman of my word. My talk is not cheap. I talk a lot of shit and I back it up. So with receipts, proof, timeline, and all that stuff. And what did I do? I never spoke to him again. Why? Because he didn't deserve it. He showed me that if I showed up in an authentic way and expressed myself and told him what I wanted as a partner and as a man, let me add, he couldn't show up for me. He had to run away because he was avoided. That's respectfully his issue, and he lives the life that he has now. And that's none of my business because I live the life that I have now, the life I desire, the life that I, when I met my husband, very soon after that. showed me that I was worthy of having the desires that I wanted be respected, being also spoken to in a way that follow through actually happened, and that I was worthy of it. And that I was worthy of being with someone who, even if we didn't agree all the time, he could still hold space for me and I could hold space for him, because that's a healthy dynamic. And that's what we want to be mindful of. Kind of like how I shared with you guys a few videos ago about my three strikes trial. I really like the number three, as you can tell. So think of it like this. If in three months you don't know what you are, you're liking a situationship and you should say something. 90 day probation period. Let's just get creative with it. Kind of like you're out of job. If in 90 days I don't like you, I can kick you out. At least here in the state of Florida. Right. So with that, you do the same thing and apply the same thing in the situationship. If in 90 days you can't show up, follow through on any of the things you're saying to me. then talk is cheap. You're giving me a hard time. And I'm not feeling that right now. That's not what I want. And I'm not in alignment with that. If you are, that's okay. But if you're watching this, you're like, you know, so clock it. One of the things that I want to be mindful of is not being in a relationship with a projection of what you want. Because all of us, I know if I'll tell you this, every single guy I've ever dated in my life, I have already had a Pinterest board. planned our wedding, thought about what our kids' names were going to be. That is something that's so normal in any dynamic. I think that's just something that happens in our human nature because we want to project that. We want to manifest that, right? But in my case, thank God, no one I was ever with before I landed with, thank you God, I landed with Al. But that projection is something that a lot of us fall for. And when we have that projection and that desire of what we want, we then... you know, fall into that trap and that addictive loop again. One of the things that I hear a lot of my clients, my friends, and just people in general, whenever I talk to them about this is I need closure. I need to go speak to him. I need to go speak to her. I need to speak to them face to face to end this. Our brains think about it like this. Something I say a lot is that that's making my brain itch. I don't like when my brain is itchy. And what do I mean by that? If I don't understand why something is going on? I need to go research it. I need to go figure out why it's not happening, right? And there's just something about being with someone face-to-face that feels a little bit safer in the way of like, I can see their eyes and I can, you know, almost pressure them. But think about what that does. If the person isn't committing to you via phone, via action, via whatever, respectfully, what makes you think that you going to pick up your sweater that you left at their house is going to make the difference of and them wanting to change their mind and realize, man, she's really worth it. I should really be with her. Why are we, why are we struggling with that? Why are we, why are we lowering who we are to accept that? We're lowering our standard by doing that. Dude, I remember I had a client once say that to me and I was like, how much was the sweater? I'll give you the money for the sweater. I'll deduct it from your fee. I swear to God, I don't want to hear about the sweater anymore. Straight up. Thank God that that never happened with that client in particular. But when we do that, right, it is us just trying to almost assert control over a situation. But think about what you're really doing. You're trying to peer pressure someone that's with their actions telling you, I don't want to be with you. Why would you do that? Why would you want to start off on that type of negative foot? You want someone that wants to be with you. You should want someone that wants to buy you all the fucking sweaters. That wants you to have a part in their closet. That wants you to have your toothbrush at their house. That wants you to move in with them. I mean, maybe not right away. We want to be mindful of that because that's also toxic. That we'll get into in another episode. But we want someone that wants us. Not someone that we need to force to want us. So please be mindful of that because we really get attached to that. And I'm going to say something and I'm going to give you a forewarning. Some of the suggestions I'm going to give you in a little bit, you're going to probably, some of you, respectfully are going to be like, well, I want to be mature. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying what you guys are going to say to me because it's been said to me already. Or that's very immature. No, no. The mature thing is having respect for yourself and value for yourself because this person is not wanting to invest in you. Because if they did, respectfully, you wouldn't be watching this video because you'd know where you are and where you stand with this person. So when we think of closure and what we want, our brains are programmed to want to have that right like unfinished narratives in our brain like an unfinished story if you think of your life as a journey or as a book I don't want to know what happens, right? So we want to know what happens in the end. So that's why we strive to want to get this closure. But I need to go ahead and in a very loving way, just tell you, sometimes closure is just you moving on from something that no longer serves you. Because the person is showing you what they're respectfully capable of. And if they wanted to, they would. And that's the closure that... If there's any sentence here that you or take away from today's video is that if they wanted to, they would. And if they respected you respectfully, they would have. So sometimes that's the only closure we need is understanding someone in their humanity and whatever their life circumstance is and dialectic, two things existing, knowing that that's not for you, that's not where you're at, and that's not what you want, most importantly. This feeling of confusion, nobody likes. And it is so uncomfortable, especially when it comes to love and wanting to find love. And I want you to think about it like this. The longer you continue to entertain this confusion, you are moving away and further away from meeting the person that wants to give you the reality that you want. And that's another good takeaway that I want you to have. And I know for me was a grounding. place when I finally left that toxic dynamic I spoke about earlier. I'm an elder millennial, as we know, and I love me some Taylor and I love me some Kelly Clarkson. So there are two songs, I mean, Taylor has a whole arsenal of songs that I could quote, but all too well, if you know that song, all the versions of it and all the lengths of it, you know that it's one of, it describes a situationship to the T and one of the One of my favorite lyrics of that song is, when you call me up again just to break me like a promise. And when you think of that, think of how that promise, that is the potential we were just talking about, right? The promise of giving you exactly what you wanted. The promise of having the trips. The promise of a future together. But you're just calling me to break it again. Because you know that I'll allow you to. And when I think of the addiction loop. that we were talking about earlier. I think of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted. And there's this one lyric in there. And you will tell that I listened to that song at nauseam during many situationships, but it's, I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. That's the closure. Yeah, just one more time. Just one more time. And here's the thing. Nine times out of 10, when you do that, like in-person closure, it's a different type. of meeting and the guy gets laid and you stay confused. So let's just remember that. So now we need to break these loops I keep talking to you about, right? And how the hell do we do that? Well, number one, I need you to get very clear about what you want out of this dynamic. Do you want to, depending on the age that you are listening to this, you may be in a different part of your life, but do you know you want a boyfriend? Do you know you want a girlfriend? Do you know you want to partner? whatever you call it. Okay. Get clear about that. Do you think that this person can do it? The potential you is going to be like, yes, absolutely. Because they've told me this. Yeah. But have they followed through? Probably not. So we need to get clear about that. Get clear of how this person actually makes you feel. Because knowing that your dynamic with this person is confusing, love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be confusing. And I'm talking to you as an elder millennial where R&B banked on that and taught us about toxic love and sticking with it. And now I will say that there is an element of meeting people in their humanity. And I want to be mindful of that. However, I will also say in the same vein that if this person is continuing to making you feel like an option, I'm here to remind you that you are a choice and an active choice at that. So I need you to get clear and ask yourself, is this person choosing me? Going back to the Meredith Great quote, choose me, pick me, love me. Are they doing that? Because if their actions are showing you that, then we don't need to have this conversation anymore. You're clear about that. But if they aren't, we need to be mindful of that. So getting clear is the first step. Step number two, I want you. the same breath of being clear to go on Google or your favorite search engine website and look up what a feelings wheel is. I don't know if you can see this, but this is what it should look like. This is a feelings wheel. I have this on a pillow here in my office. You don't need to. I mean, but if you want to print one out just to make sure you could label your emotions, then it's good to have. Because I want you to look at this and assess, do any of these feelings make me feel triggered? Do they make me feel sad? Am I more frustrated? Am I more in the anger? Or depressed type of thing. And if that's the case, you need to be very honest with yourself. Because you're probably not in a healthy dynamic. The next step is I want you to, after you label that, I want you to notice where you feel it in your body. More times than not, whenever we're angry, sad, or something's making us not feel good, we could get nauseous. We could feel a knot in our throat. We could feel pain or tightness in our chest. Notice that. Notice what actually labeling those emotions feel like, because what that means is there is a story there, whether it's this story, a past story, it is a felt sense that you have had that has taken place and lives there. In brain spotting, we always say there's a story there. Let's go with that. And just getting curious to that, because oftentimes we are stemming from a space of. I'm not good enough. I don't belong. I don't matter. And when something triggers that, that sensation will be felt in one of those areas. So get curious to that and be very honest with yourself about it, because this is about you being honest with you so that we're not continuing to fall into that loop of potential. On the contrary, we're actually breaking it and practicing more of, okay, I need to go and break this sort of habit right now. And that requires some time because you now have gotten accustomed to this intermittent reinforcement and also that negative toxic cycle we've been talking about. Now, this is the part where I told you that you're going to likely, depending on your school of thought, could say that's really mature. But I'm going to ask you to just be curious to what I'm saying. And I'm going to say this really respectfully, like a loving big sister. You are going to have an urge to reach out to this person. You are going to have an urge to you like their posts, continue following them, all of the above. And I'm going to tell you that you need a detox. We talked about an addictive loop. This is an actual addictive loop. You need to go through withdrawal and withdrawal is going to bring up all of those emotions of wanting to reach out to the person, wanting to just see how their day is. If they wanted you to see how their day was, they would have followed through and done the things that was mutually. reciprocated in that dynamic. I need to lovingly remind you of that. Okay. So one of the things I'm going to tell you is I need you to do a detox of 14 to 30 days. I am going to also advise that you delete and unfollow anybody that's their friend, anybody that is their family member, or anybody that has any sort of connection to them. Even if you guys have mutuals, depending on the mutual. Right. I mean, I mean, there's there's some flexibility here, but here's what I'll tell you. What happens more often than not, and you're talking to a very, very elder millennial that loved her AOL, you know, lyrics and would leave these like very ominous and, you know, mysterious kind of away messages. Right. All that's doing is giving them their power. You're literally giving them power. You're letting them know I hurt her. I still have power over her. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you give somebody that you know is a friend of theirs access to your page? Oh, because I want them to see me. How many times have I heard this? I want them to see me doing well. Who gives a fuck? You're doing well because you're doing well, not because you want them to see you do well. The best, best, best revenge is for you to do well and for you to do it for you, not for them. not for likes and not for their conversation. You are not anybody's gossip. Don't do that. People, do you think people want to listen to their own shit or want to actually pay attention to their own stuff? No. That's why they're like, oh, spill the tea sis or give me this. It's like, yeah, because they'd rather that than have to pay attention to themselves. So do you want to be someone's gossip currency? You got to ask yourself that because respectfully, that's all you're going to be. The gossip to that person and they're going to give them that. Oh, did you see what she posted? Did you see what he posted? Who cares? Just do you. And delete those people. Mute them. Don't do anything for them. Do it for you. Because that's how you get over this. And that is how you then invite the energy that wants you. Because if you keep feeding that negative energy, respectfully, to that other person, that's what you're going to continue to invite and respectfully entertain. You're telling the universe, God, whatever you want, I still want this. I still want them to want me. No. No. Delete, block, buy. Cut it out. In true millennial fashion. Sorry, I watch a lot of Full House growing up. But it's true. Just cut it out. Because if you're going to do that, respectfully, that's immature. Because that's letting your ego make you feel some type of way about it. The best revenge is you being successful and them having to watch from the cheap seats. Them having to lurk on your page or create a finsta because you're not fazed by them and you don't need to see their stuff. Because you're focused on you and not on them and their stagnant energy. Respectfully. So I gave you the 14 to 30 day no contact window, and I know that there's some variability in that. So I want to be mindful of that. Okay. Now, if you choose, it takes 21 days to build a habit, by the way. So if you choose to unblock them or want to speak to them, that is very much your choice. Do I advise it? No, but you're a human and you have free will, and I want you to do whatever feels right for you. Now, when you get that text, because it just... is i think it's just murphy's law the second that you unfollow or like unblock them they just so happen to come up especially if mercury is in retrograde as we know so if that occurs i want you to practice the dbt skill of urge surfing what does that mean you are not i repeat you're not going to reply to them the second that they reply to you you're gonna wait 15 to 20 minutes I'd say. And what you're going to do in that time is you're going to cope. You are going to phone a friend or send a voicemail or a voice note to a friend. And if you need to do it multiple times, do that. I want you to also set a timer before you do this because you, I want you to wait to see if you even feel like writing back to them. That impulse is going to kick in because that's like, you get the butterflies, you get the like, Oh my God, Oh my God, they finally messaged me, whatever. Right. That happens to all of us. I've been there. It's a thing. So what do we do? Set a timer for 20 minutes. We're going to journal and we're going to write, you know, what we're feeling right now in the moment. What is this emotion? I want you to be very honest with yourself. Are you excited? Do you, are you curious? What is it that's there? Because there is that longing for the good things. Remember, our brains love to remember. It's called euphoric recall. We love to remember all the good stuff, but when it comes to the bad stuff, it tries to protect us. So it's like we don't talk about Bruno, right? We don't want to talk about it. So with that being said, I want you for 20 minutes to give yourself an activity of either journaling, doing a walk, going to go work out, take a cold shower, go drink some cold water, whatever it is you need to do. But do it for 20 minutes and then afterwards, see if you still feel the need or inclination to want to message them. And if you do, then you do what you want to do. But just know that you are inviting that sort of energy and you need to be mindful of that and what you're inviting again and what follow through looks like. And you need to be very clear about that because we can be people in their humanity and that's something that I'm going to always preach. But, and you know I never say but, I'm always an and girl. If this person tries the same bullshit again, don't entertain it. Like, real talk. It's not worth it because they're going to continue doing the same thing. And you are now showing them effectively what it actually takes for you to just come back and bounce back. So now you've given them a threshold. So if they do it again, it's going to continue the loop and we need to stop the loop. There is an element of cognitive dissonance that occurs in these sorts of dynamics and an excitement that happens when we get this communication back from this person who we've wanted. And I want you to honor that because. It makes you human. All of us want to believe that someone's good. I'm never going to take that away from someone. But like I've mentioned to you before, and I will mention it again and again, benefit of the doubt is something that is earned. And meeting someone in their humanity, again, I'm using very specific language for a reason, is something that if they show you who they are, you are going to believe them because it's going to continue. So in cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework right now. We need to break what is called your cognitive distortion. So I'm going to give you some homework right now. I want you to create two lists for me. List A is going to be the real reality, which is how you felt. We have all your emotional words. We have your feelings. I need you to go there. I need you to remember all the situations. And something I always tell you guys to do is actually put this. I personally like for you guys to write it pen to paper and then to actually transfer it onto your phone into a note. Why? So that we're reinforcing this again and we're rewriting it again. Or if you don't want to rewrite it again through typing it, You can dictate it. It needs to come from you doing that. We're literally rewiring your brain to help ground you into reality. So that's your real reality. That's list A. List B is going to be the potential list. And what that means is what did you want from them? What did you hope from that dynamic? What did you hope would occur? And where did you, what were your dreams for this relationship? And what I want you to do is after those 30 days, You're going to have that list A. And one of the coping skills you're going to do when you're waiting the 20 minutes to reply back is to relook at that list, that real reality list, not the potential one. Because the real reality is based off facts that you emotionally have now registered to your body. Trust is like a mirror, to quote Mother Monster. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see a crack in that motherfucker's reflection. And no truer words have ever been spoken. to when you talk about a situationship and what that does to someone's cognitive process and even their just belief in love because it grounds you in confusion. So those are my two homework assignments for you so that you have that and you can really ground yourself on reality. You deserve it. I'm going to leave you with this. The moment you start chasing potential, you start recognizing patterns and you start recognizing the patterns that you are okay with. and welcome into your life. And that's okay. Very aligned to, you know, our values and what we want in a dynamic. You deserve a love that loves you the way that you love because you're worthy of it. And situationships are not the vibe. They're not what you want. They are toxic. They are annoying and they leave you worse than you started because you're chasing this potential and this addiction that will never, ever, ever cure itself if you continue in it. respectively. I hope that this was helpful. If you have any examples or want me to expand more on situationships, please leave me some comments. And I want to discuss this with you because I really find that we heal a lot in community. And I'm going to be announcing something in the next few weeks where we're going to be doing just that. So stay tuned for any updates. Make sure to follow me on all socials. And till next time, I'll see you then. Take care and

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Every Wednesday, Coral unpacks the cycles we find ourselves in—love, loss, trauma, boundaries, and rebirth—with empathy, clarity, and a touch of humor. Some episodes feature Coral solo, while others welcome guests ranging from actors and doctors to directors, creators, and thought leaders who share their own stories and lessons from the road.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Whether you’re in therapy, healing from your past, or simply learning to show up as the adult you needed as a child, this podcast is your reminder that every detour, heartbreak, and breakthrough has a purpose. Because no matter where life takes you—the road always leads back to you.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

Situationships are one of the most confusing—and addictive—relationship dynamics. Period.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why were they so into me yesterday but distant today?”
“Why can’t I let this go?”

This episode is for you.

Coral dives into:

Through personal stories, pop culture references, and a trauma-informed lens, Coral gives you both the clarity and the tough love you need to stop chasing what isn’t choosing you.

Because if they wanted to… they would.

And you deserve a love that is clear, consistent, and mutual.

The road always leads back to you!

The road is long, but you never have to walk it alone.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Situationships are one of the most complex dynamics that unless you've been through it, you don't understand. But today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, I am going to be covering not only how situationships are actually harder than real relationships, they're actually much more complex and difficult to move from. Let's talk about it. So when I say situationships are more difficult than real relationships. It's because your body, mind, and soul has now become accustomed to what we call an addictive loop. What does that mean? We start to now almost be trained in the inconsistency. The person starts with giving you all this attention and the promise of tomorrow. Oh my God, we're going to be together. This is going to be excellent. The classic, I've never felt this way before or connected with anybody before. like this. And then all of a sudden stuff starts to just pause. What did I do? What happened? Why is this happening? Did I, did I say something? Did I misspeak? Things were great yesterday. Why is he not talking to me today? I promise you I've been there and it is one of the most confusing dynamics because that is what it is. Its foundation is that. Be confused. Why? Because then they can breadcrumb you and give you a little bit of what we call intermittent reinforcement. What is intermittent reinforcement? Intermittent reinforcement is when someone is giving you a little bit of praise, like, oh my God, I've never met anybody like you before, so that when they don't talk to you, you go back to that reality loop, that they said this to me. I know that's true. Why? Because we're confused. We need to ground ourselves on facts. And if the person said that to you, then that's a fact. However, you follow the road leads back to me and you probably follow my content. So you know that when people show us who they are, we believe them. And respectfully, talk is cheap. Committed action and follow through is what we look for. And people that give you that sort of situationship cannot follow through on things. Why? Because they bank on you being okay with what we call the addictive loop. And we're going to go into that now. So something that we see here with this intermittent reinforcement and addiction loop is something that we see in gambling. For example, let's say that you go to the slot machine, right? You've never gambled in your life and you go and you put 20 bucks in, you put that 20 bucks in and you cash out at like $3,000. What do you do? Oh my God, I now can make three grand out of 20 grand out of 20 bucks. I'm going to go and I'm going to keep trying this. And then you end up negative like 5,000 because you were trying to chase that initial 3,000, right? Similarly enough, we see that sort of pattern in this intermittent reinforcement and addictive loop. And unfortunately, people that have ADHD or are neurodivergent tend to really stick to this because what we look for here is a dopamine kick. and people have ADHD. really thrive off of dopamine or dopamine seekers. So what happens? We get the reward after that, because we as humans love rewards, right? Think of token economy. That's applied behavior analysis 101. If a kid behaves good, you're going to give them a sticker. The kid is going to want to continue to do things to get more stickers and hopefully by the end of the week, get a prize. Similarly enough. Now think of it. think about that and how many of us had that growing up. We are programmed to seek rewards. Similarly enough, with these sorts of dynamics, we are going to see that almost seeking of the dopamine, which is when we get that interaction or that reward, which is, oh my God, he texted me finally, or she's paying attention to me. That's what it kind of ends up marrying. So then you become addicted to the unpredictability, right? Because Again, us as humans, we are wired for reward. So what happens? We go, we cycle. And the cycle goes to connection, withdrawal, anxiety, and relief, rinse, and repeat. And it continues to go over and over again. And you are in an addictive loop, hoping that maybe something will be a little different. And on today's... episode you're gonna hear me be a little bit tougher on you and give you some big sister tough love because you need to hear these things as someone who's been through it It is one of the most heartbreaking things because you're actually confused going through it. And you want to believe that this person believes the things that they've told you because all of us want connection and all of us want to be loved and be with somebody that loves us back. Except in these type of dynamics, the confusion is what drives it and keeps you stuck in that addictive loop that we just spoke about. So I hope that you can listen with an open heart. And just know that this is just some loving big sister advice, but you need to hear this. This is not what you want. And this is likely not going to play out the way you want it to play out respectfully. So what happens in these dynamics that makes it addictive is we fall for potential. Why? Because we've seen what the person is capable of, right? We've seen that they're capable of telling you everything you want to hear. promising you the the beautiful romantic trip to san francisco that you guys are gonna go and have very specific details oh my god i feel so special this person went and really thought this out no this is this person's soundbite this is the rinse and repeat thing that he has said to multiple people i'm giving you that as a real life example that i got fed the bullshit i got fed once and it was just that bullshit and you need to clock it Because when someone tells you something so specific and can't then go commit to booking the trip or starting the itinerary, running away from it, that's how you know it's bullshit. Because if someone's saying that and has all that planned, hey, what are your weeks looking like? X date, X date. I've looked at this hotel. These would be our flights. Let's go. Right. If you're in a partnership, you know, when you take a trip with your partner, you've already talked about that and discussed it. And it's important that you... Really, really, really pay attention to not their potential, but their follow through, because that is the key thing here. You're going to talk to me and tell me all the things I want to hear, especially if I mean this respectfully, if we are seeking that sort of marriage or wanting to get that sort of level in our relationship. And when we want that, that's what we want to hear. Our brain is programmed to want to hear the things that we want. So when that occurs, people like this really bank on you wanting to be with their potential. And unfortunately, they just never follow through because they don't have the capacity, the will or the desire to. Because if they wanted to, they would, respectfully. One of the biggest examples I could think of falling for potential. And let me make sure I say this. This is. TV that I'm going to be referencing. And that's the problem, right? We fall for some of these things that we watch on TV and think, wow, this could really be me, right? Because we want it to be us. And on that note, I think of Grey's Anatomy. And I think of specifically the scene with Meredith, where she is there with McDreamy and is just saying, pick me, choose me, love me. When Addison is there now, all of a sudden. and he wants to get back with her. She fell for his potential. And if you follow that show, the emotional rollercoaster ride that was Meredith Grey and McDreamy is not something that a lot of our nervous systems respectfully could tolerate. And that's why it lives in TV, not in real life. And in true millennial fashion, I cannot go without speaking about the longest situation ship we've ever had to witness on television, Mr. Big. and carry. I hope that now that we are more regulated people and hopefully have more therapy under our belt, we can respect the desire and the whimsicalness of that dynamic and also respect how toxic it was and not something that any of us should strive. I think of when I was younger and I'd be like, oh, that's my Mr. Big. That's not a good thing. That's not a good thing. No, no. Why would we do that? So we now know that, right? But what we do know now in the neuroscience shows is that women are actually more prone to falling for this sort of dynamic. Why? Because we're nurturing by our biology. We want to have that sort of connection with someone and also that potential. And we're wired for that. And unfortunately, because of that, we tend to give what I call benefit of the doubt. and go a little benefit of the doubt blind. You know, we make excuses. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe he, you know, I don't know. I just don't think that he is in a space right now where he's ready to commit to that sort of thing. Okay, so how long are we waiting? Because we've been at this for a while. And you need to get very clear with yourself on how long you're willing to continue to entertain this. Because respectfully, if you're watching this video and looked it up, it means that you're probably not feeling good and you want an answer. So this is when I told you I'm going to be a little bit more tough love on you. That's what I mean. These are the harsh reality checks that I'm going to need you to really just sit with yourself with as you take in this information. Meanwhile, most men actually attach to what's happening in front of them and that's what they actually end up operating through as opposed to us being with potential. So for example, if you are allowing someone to continue to be avoidant and not answer you because that's what you're allowing, that's what they're going to continue. So That's a very important point to just really be mindful of because what you allow will persist. So you need to be very cautious of that. So you're probably wondering, how do I know if this is a situationship? Well, respectfully, a relationship is very clear. You know if you're dating someone, you know if they're your boyfriend, you know if they're your girlfriend, you know if they're your partner, whatever you identify as. And if you don't know that, you're in a situationship. So let's get clear with that. If you don't know, then that's that. If you feel scared. of having to ask them or say something to them, you're in a situation. Because if you're with a partner, and especially in the beginning, that's when the romance is fresh. It's clean. It's super exciting. And you should feel the safest to be able to say something to them because things are good. You probably haven't had your first fight yet or discussion because here's something I will say. Fights are healthy in relationships. Not that you need to be in one all the time. But if someone isn't fighting or a relationship doesn't have a fight, that means someone's holding back something in their dynamic and then, you know, not creating that secure attachment and working toward that. So that's really important for us to be mindful of as well. One of the things that I tell my clients, I've told my friends, and I've actually applied in my own life, right? So before I met my husband, I was in a really crazy situation. And I'll never forget, there was this moment where I had already told him how I felt and he promised me the moon, the stars and the sky, right? All the things that I felt for potential, right? And on paper, he was everything I wanted. Now, here's what I'll tell you. Months went by and anytime I tried asking where we were, he would avoid, deflect and literally ghost me. So I should have had all the red flags. We now know now and that's why we don't play that now. but I should have clocked all the red flags as he was presenting them. So here's what I'll tell you. If after three months you're with someone, that is a healthy time for you to have, number one, know that person. Two, know if, do you see a future with this person? And do you see outside of the potential actual follow-through, right? Because like I said earlier, talk is cheap. So if you want to go ahead and spit me Thank you. a huge game i always think of my dad my dad was cuban and he would say so i'll translate it in english but he would say no heck can i so that means don't let anybody give you a motor doesn't really translate well in english but pretty much don't let anybody talk a game to you and that's something that i'm always so grateful that i remember my dad saying to me because even though i didn't apply it a lot toward the end of that situation ship i was giving you the example of i would i would remember i like bro this guy's Like he's trying to just tell me what I want to hear. And thank God my dad said that because push came to shove and I confronted him. And he promised me that we were going to be together, do all these things. And guess what? He ghosted me. So I took a moment and I was like, well, I'm not okay with this. And I specifically told him, if you ghost me again, I will never speak to you again. And I'm a woman of my word. My talk is not cheap. I talk a lot of shit and I back it up. So with receipts, proof, timeline, and all that stuff. And what did I do? I never spoke to him again. Why? Because he didn't deserve it. He showed me that if I showed up in an authentic way and expressed myself and told him what I wanted as a partner and as a man, let me add, he couldn't show up for me. He had to run away because he was avoided. That's respectfully his issue, and he lives the life that he has now. And that's none of my business because I live the life that I have now, the life I desire, the life that I, when I met my husband, very soon after that. showed me that I was worthy of having the desires that I wanted be respected, being also spoken to in a way that follow through actually happened, and that I was worthy of it. And that I was worthy of being with someone who, even if we didn't agree all the time, he could still hold space for me and I could hold space for him, because that's a healthy dynamic. And that's what we want to be mindful of. Kind of like how I shared with you guys a few videos ago about my three strikes trial. I really like the number three, as you can tell. So think of it like this. If in three months you don't know what you are, you're liking a situationship and you should say something. 90 day probation period. Let's just get creative with it. Kind of like you're out of job. If in 90 days I don't like you, I can kick you out. At least here in the state of Florida. Right. So with that, you do the same thing and apply the same thing in the situationship. If in 90 days you can't show up, follow through on any of the things you're saying to me. then talk is cheap. You're giving me a hard time. And I'm not feeling that right now. That's not what I want. And I'm not in alignment with that. If you are, that's okay. But if you're watching this, you're like, you know, so clock it. One of the things that I want to be mindful of is not being in a relationship with a projection of what you want. Because all of us, I know if I'll tell you this, every single guy I've ever dated in my life, I have already had a Pinterest board. planned our wedding, thought about what our kids' names were going to be. That is something that's so normal in any dynamic. I think that's just something that happens in our human nature because we want to project that. We want to manifest that, right? But in my case, thank God, no one I was ever with before I landed with, thank you God, I landed with Al. But that projection is something that a lot of us fall for. And when we have that projection and that desire of what we want, we then... you know, fall into that trap and that addictive loop again. One of the things that I hear a lot of my clients, my friends, and just people in general, whenever I talk to them about this is I need closure. I need to go speak to him. I need to go speak to her. I need to speak to them face to face to end this. Our brains think about it like this. Something I say a lot is that that's making my brain itch. I don't like when my brain is itchy. And what do I mean by that? If I don't understand why something is going on? I need to go research it. I need to go figure out why it's not happening, right? And there's just something about being with someone face-to-face that feels a little bit safer in the way of like, I can see their eyes and I can, you know, almost pressure them. But think about what that does. If the person isn't committing to you via phone, via action, via whatever, respectfully, what makes you think that you going to pick up your sweater that you left at their house is going to make the difference of and them wanting to change their mind and realize, man, she's really worth it. I should really be with her. Why are we, why are we struggling with that? Why are we, why are we lowering who we are to accept that? We're lowering our standard by doing that. Dude, I remember I had a client once say that to me and I was like, how much was the sweater? I'll give you the money for the sweater. I'll deduct it from your fee. I swear to God, I don't want to hear about the sweater anymore. Straight up. Thank God that that never happened with that client in particular. But when we do that, right, it is us just trying to almost assert control over a situation. But think about what you're really doing. You're trying to peer pressure someone that's with their actions telling you, I don't want to be with you. Why would you do that? Why would you want to start off on that type of negative foot? You want someone that wants to be with you. You should want someone that wants to buy you all the fucking sweaters. That wants you to have a part in their closet. That wants you to have your toothbrush at their house. That wants you to move in with them. I mean, maybe not right away. We want to be mindful of that because that's also toxic. That we'll get into in another episode. But we want someone that wants us. Not someone that we need to force to want us. So please be mindful of that because we really get attached to that. And I'm going to say something and I'm going to give you a forewarning. Some of the suggestions I'm going to give you in a little bit, you're going to probably, some of you, respectfully are going to be like, well, I want to be mature. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying what you guys are going to say to me because it's been said to me already. Or that's very immature. No, no. The mature thing is having respect for yourself and value for yourself because this person is not wanting to invest in you. Because if they did, respectfully, you wouldn't be watching this video because you'd know where you are and where you stand with this person. So when we think of closure and what we want, our brains are programmed to want to have that right like unfinished narratives in our brain like an unfinished story if you think of your life as a journey or as a book I don't want to know what happens, right? So we want to know what happens in the end. So that's why we strive to want to get this closure. But I need to go ahead and in a very loving way, just tell you, sometimes closure is just you moving on from something that no longer serves you. Because the person is showing you what they're respectfully capable of. And if they wanted to, they would. And that's the closure that... If there's any sentence here that you or take away from today's video is that if they wanted to, they would. And if they respected you respectfully, they would have. So sometimes that's the only closure we need is understanding someone in their humanity and whatever their life circumstance is and dialectic, two things existing, knowing that that's not for you, that's not where you're at, and that's not what you want, most importantly. This feeling of confusion, nobody likes. And it is so uncomfortable, especially when it comes to love and wanting to find love. And I want you to think about it like this. The longer you continue to entertain this confusion, you are moving away and further away from meeting the person that wants to give you the reality that you want. And that's another good takeaway that I want you to have. And I know for me was a grounding. place when I finally left that toxic dynamic I spoke about earlier. I'm an elder millennial, as we know, and I love me some Taylor and I love me some Kelly Clarkson. So there are two songs, I mean, Taylor has a whole arsenal of songs that I could quote, but all too well, if you know that song, all the versions of it and all the lengths of it, you know that it's one of, it describes a situationship to the T and one of the One of my favorite lyrics of that song is, when you call me up again just to break me like a promise. And when you think of that, think of how that promise, that is the potential we were just talking about, right? The promise of giving you exactly what you wanted. The promise of having the trips. The promise of a future together. But you're just calling me to break it again. Because you know that I'll allow you to. And when I think of the addiction loop. that we were talking about earlier. I think of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted. And there's this one lyric in there. And you will tell that I listened to that song at nauseam during many situationships, but it's, I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. That's the closure. Yeah, just one more time. Just one more time. And here's the thing. Nine times out of 10, when you do that, like in-person closure, it's a different type. of meeting and the guy gets laid and you stay confused. So let's just remember that. So now we need to break these loops I keep talking to you about, right? And how the hell do we do that? Well, number one, I need you to get very clear about what you want out of this dynamic. Do you want to, depending on the age that you are listening to this, you may be in a different part of your life, but do you know you want a boyfriend? Do you know you want a girlfriend? Do you know you want to partner? whatever you call it. Okay. Get clear about that. Do you think that this person can do it? The potential you is going to be like, yes, absolutely. Because they've told me this. Yeah. But have they followed through? Probably not. So we need to get clear about that. Get clear of how this person actually makes you feel. Because knowing that your dynamic with this person is confusing, love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be confusing. And I'm talking to you as an elder millennial where R&B banked on that and taught us about toxic love and sticking with it. And now I will say that there is an element of meeting people in their humanity. And I want to be mindful of that. However, I will also say in the same vein that if this person is continuing to making you feel like an option, I'm here to remind you that you are a choice and an active choice at that. So I need you to get clear and ask yourself, is this person choosing me? Going back to the Meredith Great quote, choose me, pick me, love me. Are they doing that? Because if their actions are showing you that, then we don't need to have this conversation anymore. You're clear about that. But if they aren't, we need to be mindful of that. So getting clear is the first step. Step number two, I want you. the same breath of being clear to go on Google or your favorite search engine website and look up what a feelings wheel is. I don't know if you can see this, but this is what it should look like. This is a feelings wheel. I have this on a pillow here in my office. You don't need to. I mean, but if you want to print one out just to make sure you could label your emotions, then it's good to have. Because I want you to look at this and assess, do any of these feelings make me feel triggered? Do they make me feel sad? Am I more frustrated? Am I more in the anger? Or depressed type of thing. And if that's the case, you need to be very honest with yourself. Because you're probably not in a healthy dynamic. The next step is I want you to, after you label that, I want you to notice where you feel it in your body. More times than not, whenever we're angry, sad, or something's making us not feel good, we could get nauseous. We could feel a knot in our throat. We could feel pain or tightness in our chest. Notice that. Notice what actually labeling those emotions feel like, because what that means is there is a story there, whether it's this story, a past story, it is a felt sense that you have had that has taken place and lives there. In brain spotting, we always say there's a story there. Let's go with that. And just getting curious to that, because oftentimes we are stemming from a space of. I'm not good enough. I don't belong. I don't matter. And when something triggers that, that sensation will be felt in one of those areas. So get curious to that and be very honest with yourself about it, because this is about you being honest with you so that we're not continuing to fall into that loop of potential. On the contrary, we're actually breaking it and practicing more of, okay, I need to go and break this sort of habit right now. And that requires some time because you now have gotten accustomed to this intermittent reinforcement and also that negative toxic cycle we've been talking about. Now, this is the part where I told you that you're going to likely, depending on your school of thought, could say that's really mature. But I'm going to ask you to just be curious to what I'm saying. And I'm going to say this really respectfully, like a loving big sister. You are going to have an urge to reach out to this person. You are going to have an urge to you like their posts, continue following them, all of the above. And I'm going to tell you that you need a detox. We talked about an addictive loop. This is an actual addictive loop. You need to go through withdrawal and withdrawal is going to bring up all of those emotions of wanting to reach out to the person, wanting to just see how their day is. If they wanted you to see how their day was, they would have followed through and done the things that was mutually. reciprocated in that dynamic. I need to lovingly remind you of that. Okay. So one of the things I'm going to tell you is I need you to do a detox of 14 to 30 days. I am going to also advise that you delete and unfollow anybody that's their friend, anybody that is their family member, or anybody that has any sort of connection to them. Even if you guys have mutuals, depending on the mutual. Right. I mean, I mean, there's there's some flexibility here, but here's what I'll tell you. What happens more often than not, and you're talking to a very, very elder millennial that loved her AOL, you know, lyrics and would leave these like very ominous and, you know, mysterious kind of away messages. Right. All that's doing is giving them their power. You're literally giving them power. You're letting them know I hurt her. I still have power over her. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you give somebody that you know is a friend of theirs access to your page? Oh, because I want them to see me. How many times have I heard this? I want them to see me doing well. Who gives a fuck? You're doing well because you're doing well, not because you want them to see you do well. The best, best, best revenge is for you to do well and for you to do it for you, not for them. not for likes and not for their conversation. You are not anybody's gossip. Don't do that. People, do you think people want to listen to their own shit or want to actually pay attention to their own stuff? No. That's why they're like, oh, spill the tea sis or give me this. It's like, yeah, because they'd rather that than have to pay attention to themselves. So do you want to be someone's gossip currency? You got to ask yourself that because respectfully, that's all you're going to be. The gossip to that person and they're going to give them that. Oh, did you see what she posted? Did you see what he posted? Who cares? Just do you. And delete those people. Mute them. Don't do anything for them. Do it for you. Because that's how you get over this. And that is how you then invite the energy that wants you. Because if you keep feeding that negative energy, respectfully, to that other person, that's what you're going to continue to invite and respectfully entertain. You're telling the universe, God, whatever you want, I still want this. I still want them to want me. No. No. Delete, block, buy. Cut it out. In true millennial fashion. Sorry, I watch a lot of Full House growing up. But it's true. Just cut it out. Because if you're going to do that, respectfully, that's immature. Because that's letting your ego make you feel some type of way about it. The best revenge is you being successful and them having to watch from the cheap seats. Them having to lurk on your page or create a finsta because you're not fazed by them and you don't need to see their stuff. Because you're focused on you and not on them and their stagnant energy. Respectfully. So I gave you the 14 to 30 day no contact window, and I know that there's some variability in that. So I want to be mindful of that. Okay. Now, if you choose, it takes 21 days to build a habit, by the way. So if you choose to unblock them or want to speak to them, that is very much your choice. Do I advise it? No, but you're a human and you have free will, and I want you to do whatever feels right for you. Now, when you get that text, because it just... is i think it's just murphy's law the second that you unfollow or like unblock them they just so happen to come up especially if mercury is in retrograde as we know so if that occurs i want you to practice the dbt skill of urge surfing what does that mean you are not i repeat you're not going to reply to them the second that they reply to you you're gonna wait 15 to 20 minutes I'd say. And what you're going to do in that time is you're going to cope. You are going to phone a friend or send a voicemail or a voice note to a friend. And if you need to do it multiple times, do that. I want you to also set a timer before you do this because you, I want you to wait to see if you even feel like writing back to them. That impulse is going to kick in because that's like, you get the butterflies, you get the like, Oh my God, Oh my God, they finally messaged me, whatever. Right. That happens to all of us. I've been there. It's a thing. So what do we do? Set a timer for 20 minutes. We're going to journal and we're going to write, you know, what we're feeling right now in the moment. What is this emotion? I want you to be very honest with yourself. Are you excited? Do you, are you curious? What is it that's there? Because there is that longing for the good things. Remember, our brains love to remember. It's called euphoric recall. We love to remember all the good stuff, but when it comes to the bad stuff, it tries to protect us. So it's like we don't talk about Bruno, right? We don't want to talk about it. So with that being said, I want you for 20 minutes to give yourself an activity of either journaling, doing a walk, going to go work out, take a cold shower, go drink some cold water, whatever it is you need to do. But do it for 20 minutes and then afterwards, see if you still feel the need or inclination to want to message them. And if you do, then you do what you want to do. But just know that you are inviting that sort of energy and you need to be mindful of that and what you're inviting again and what follow through looks like. And you need to be very clear about that because we can be people in their humanity and that's something that I'm going to always preach. But, and you know I never say but, I'm always an and girl. If this person tries the same bullshit again, don't entertain it. Like, real talk. It's not worth it because they're going to continue doing the same thing. And you are now showing them effectively what it actually takes for you to just come back and bounce back. So now you've given them a threshold. So if they do it again, it's going to continue the loop and we need to stop the loop. There is an element of cognitive dissonance that occurs in these sorts of dynamics and an excitement that happens when we get this communication back from this person who we've wanted. And I want you to honor that because. It makes you human. All of us want to believe that someone's good. I'm never going to take that away from someone. But like I've mentioned to you before, and I will mention it again and again, benefit of the doubt is something that is earned. And meeting someone in their humanity, again, I'm using very specific language for a reason, is something that if they show you who they are, you are going to believe them because it's going to continue. So in cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework right now. We need to break what is called your cognitive distortion. So I'm going to give you some homework right now. I want you to create two lists for me. List A is going to be the real reality, which is how you felt. We have all your emotional words. We have your feelings. I need you to go there. I need you to remember all the situations. And something I always tell you guys to do is actually put this. I personally like for you guys to write it pen to paper and then to actually transfer it onto your phone into a note. Why? So that we're reinforcing this again and we're rewriting it again. Or if you don't want to rewrite it again through typing it, You can dictate it. It needs to come from you doing that. We're literally rewiring your brain to help ground you into reality. So that's your real reality. That's list A. List B is going to be the potential list. And what that means is what did you want from them? What did you hope from that dynamic? What did you hope would occur? And where did you, what were your dreams for this relationship? And what I want you to do is after those 30 days, You're going to have that list A. And one of the coping skills you're going to do when you're waiting the 20 minutes to reply back is to relook at that list, that real reality list, not the potential one. Because the real reality is based off facts that you emotionally have now registered to your body. Trust is like a mirror, to quote Mother Monster. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see a crack in that motherfucker's reflection. And no truer words have ever been spoken. to when you talk about a situationship and what that does to someone's cognitive process and even their just belief in love because it grounds you in confusion. So those are my two homework assignments for you so that you have that and you can really ground yourself on reality. You deserve it. I'm going to leave you with this. The moment you start chasing potential, you start recognizing patterns and you start recognizing the patterns that you are okay with. and welcome into your life. And that's okay. Very aligned to, you know, our values and what we want in a dynamic. You deserve a love that loves you the way that you love because you're worthy of it. And situationships are not the vibe. They're not what you want. They are toxic. They are annoying and they leave you worse than you started because you're chasing this potential and this addiction that will never, ever, ever cure itself if you continue in it. respectively. I hope that this was helpful. If you have any examples or want me to expand more on situationships, please leave me some comments. And I want to discuss this with you because I really find that we heal a lot in community. And I'm going to be announcing something in the next few weeks where we're going to be doing just that. So stay tuned for any updates. Make sure to follow me on all socials. And till next time, I'll see you then. Take care and

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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Description

Situationships are one of the most confusing—and addictive—relationship dynamics. Period.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why were they so into me yesterday but distant today?”
“Why can’t I let this go?”

This episode is for you.

Coral dives into:

Through personal stories, pop culture references, and a trauma-informed lens, Coral gives you both the clarity and the tough love you need to stop chasing what isn’t choosing you.

Because if they wanted to… they would.

And you deserve a love that is clear, consistent, and mutual.

The road always leads back to you!

The road is long, but you never have to walk it alone.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Situationships are one of the most complex dynamics that unless you've been through it, you don't understand. But today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, I am going to be covering not only how situationships are actually harder than real relationships, they're actually much more complex and difficult to move from. Let's talk about it. So when I say situationships are more difficult than real relationships. It's because your body, mind, and soul has now become accustomed to what we call an addictive loop. What does that mean? We start to now almost be trained in the inconsistency. The person starts with giving you all this attention and the promise of tomorrow. Oh my God, we're going to be together. This is going to be excellent. The classic, I've never felt this way before or connected with anybody before. like this. And then all of a sudden stuff starts to just pause. What did I do? What happened? Why is this happening? Did I, did I say something? Did I misspeak? Things were great yesterday. Why is he not talking to me today? I promise you I've been there and it is one of the most confusing dynamics because that is what it is. Its foundation is that. Be confused. Why? Because then they can breadcrumb you and give you a little bit of what we call intermittent reinforcement. What is intermittent reinforcement? Intermittent reinforcement is when someone is giving you a little bit of praise, like, oh my God, I've never met anybody like you before, so that when they don't talk to you, you go back to that reality loop, that they said this to me. I know that's true. Why? Because we're confused. We need to ground ourselves on facts. And if the person said that to you, then that's a fact. However, you follow the road leads back to me and you probably follow my content. So you know that when people show us who they are, we believe them. And respectfully, talk is cheap. Committed action and follow through is what we look for. And people that give you that sort of situationship cannot follow through on things. Why? Because they bank on you being okay with what we call the addictive loop. And we're going to go into that now. So something that we see here with this intermittent reinforcement and addiction loop is something that we see in gambling. For example, let's say that you go to the slot machine, right? You've never gambled in your life and you go and you put 20 bucks in, you put that 20 bucks in and you cash out at like $3,000. What do you do? Oh my God, I now can make three grand out of 20 grand out of 20 bucks. I'm going to go and I'm going to keep trying this. And then you end up negative like 5,000 because you were trying to chase that initial 3,000, right? Similarly enough, we see that sort of pattern in this intermittent reinforcement and addictive loop. And unfortunately, people that have ADHD or are neurodivergent tend to really stick to this because what we look for here is a dopamine kick. and people have ADHD. really thrive off of dopamine or dopamine seekers. So what happens? We get the reward after that, because we as humans love rewards, right? Think of token economy. That's applied behavior analysis 101. If a kid behaves good, you're going to give them a sticker. The kid is going to want to continue to do things to get more stickers and hopefully by the end of the week, get a prize. Similarly enough. Now think of it. think about that and how many of us had that growing up. We are programmed to seek rewards. Similarly enough, with these sorts of dynamics, we are going to see that almost seeking of the dopamine, which is when we get that interaction or that reward, which is, oh my God, he texted me finally, or she's paying attention to me. That's what it kind of ends up marrying. So then you become addicted to the unpredictability, right? Because Again, us as humans, we are wired for reward. So what happens? We go, we cycle. And the cycle goes to connection, withdrawal, anxiety, and relief, rinse, and repeat. And it continues to go over and over again. And you are in an addictive loop, hoping that maybe something will be a little different. And on today's... episode you're gonna hear me be a little bit tougher on you and give you some big sister tough love because you need to hear these things as someone who's been through it It is one of the most heartbreaking things because you're actually confused going through it. And you want to believe that this person believes the things that they've told you because all of us want connection and all of us want to be loved and be with somebody that loves us back. Except in these type of dynamics, the confusion is what drives it and keeps you stuck in that addictive loop that we just spoke about. So I hope that you can listen with an open heart. And just know that this is just some loving big sister advice, but you need to hear this. This is not what you want. And this is likely not going to play out the way you want it to play out respectfully. So what happens in these dynamics that makes it addictive is we fall for potential. Why? Because we've seen what the person is capable of, right? We've seen that they're capable of telling you everything you want to hear. promising you the the beautiful romantic trip to san francisco that you guys are gonna go and have very specific details oh my god i feel so special this person went and really thought this out no this is this person's soundbite this is the rinse and repeat thing that he has said to multiple people i'm giving you that as a real life example that i got fed the bullshit i got fed once and it was just that bullshit and you need to clock it Because when someone tells you something so specific and can't then go commit to booking the trip or starting the itinerary, running away from it, that's how you know it's bullshit. Because if someone's saying that and has all that planned, hey, what are your weeks looking like? X date, X date. I've looked at this hotel. These would be our flights. Let's go. Right. If you're in a partnership, you know, when you take a trip with your partner, you've already talked about that and discussed it. And it's important that you... Really, really, really pay attention to not their potential, but their follow through, because that is the key thing here. You're going to talk to me and tell me all the things I want to hear, especially if I mean this respectfully, if we are seeking that sort of marriage or wanting to get that sort of level in our relationship. And when we want that, that's what we want to hear. Our brain is programmed to want to hear the things that we want. So when that occurs, people like this really bank on you wanting to be with their potential. And unfortunately, they just never follow through because they don't have the capacity, the will or the desire to. Because if they wanted to, they would, respectfully. One of the biggest examples I could think of falling for potential. And let me make sure I say this. This is. TV that I'm going to be referencing. And that's the problem, right? We fall for some of these things that we watch on TV and think, wow, this could really be me, right? Because we want it to be us. And on that note, I think of Grey's Anatomy. And I think of specifically the scene with Meredith, where she is there with McDreamy and is just saying, pick me, choose me, love me. When Addison is there now, all of a sudden. and he wants to get back with her. She fell for his potential. And if you follow that show, the emotional rollercoaster ride that was Meredith Grey and McDreamy is not something that a lot of our nervous systems respectfully could tolerate. And that's why it lives in TV, not in real life. And in true millennial fashion, I cannot go without speaking about the longest situation ship we've ever had to witness on television, Mr. Big. and carry. I hope that now that we are more regulated people and hopefully have more therapy under our belt, we can respect the desire and the whimsicalness of that dynamic and also respect how toxic it was and not something that any of us should strive. I think of when I was younger and I'd be like, oh, that's my Mr. Big. That's not a good thing. That's not a good thing. No, no. Why would we do that? So we now know that, right? But what we do know now in the neuroscience shows is that women are actually more prone to falling for this sort of dynamic. Why? Because we're nurturing by our biology. We want to have that sort of connection with someone and also that potential. And we're wired for that. And unfortunately, because of that, we tend to give what I call benefit of the doubt. and go a little benefit of the doubt blind. You know, we make excuses. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe he, you know, I don't know. I just don't think that he is in a space right now where he's ready to commit to that sort of thing. Okay, so how long are we waiting? Because we've been at this for a while. And you need to get very clear with yourself on how long you're willing to continue to entertain this. Because respectfully, if you're watching this video and looked it up, it means that you're probably not feeling good and you want an answer. So this is when I told you I'm going to be a little bit more tough love on you. That's what I mean. These are the harsh reality checks that I'm going to need you to really just sit with yourself with as you take in this information. Meanwhile, most men actually attach to what's happening in front of them and that's what they actually end up operating through as opposed to us being with potential. So for example, if you are allowing someone to continue to be avoidant and not answer you because that's what you're allowing, that's what they're going to continue. So That's a very important point to just really be mindful of because what you allow will persist. So you need to be very cautious of that. So you're probably wondering, how do I know if this is a situationship? Well, respectfully, a relationship is very clear. You know if you're dating someone, you know if they're your boyfriend, you know if they're your girlfriend, you know if they're your partner, whatever you identify as. And if you don't know that, you're in a situationship. So let's get clear with that. If you don't know, then that's that. If you feel scared. of having to ask them or say something to them, you're in a situation. Because if you're with a partner, and especially in the beginning, that's when the romance is fresh. It's clean. It's super exciting. And you should feel the safest to be able to say something to them because things are good. You probably haven't had your first fight yet or discussion because here's something I will say. Fights are healthy in relationships. Not that you need to be in one all the time. But if someone isn't fighting or a relationship doesn't have a fight, that means someone's holding back something in their dynamic and then, you know, not creating that secure attachment and working toward that. So that's really important for us to be mindful of as well. One of the things that I tell my clients, I've told my friends, and I've actually applied in my own life, right? So before I met my husband, I was in a really crazy situation. And I'll never forget, there was this moment where I had already told him how I felt and he promised me the moon, the stars and the sky, right? All the things that I felt for potential, right? And on paper, he was everything I wanted. Now, here's what I'll tell you. Months went by and anytime I tried asking where we were, he would avoid, deflect and literally ghost me. So I should have had all the red flags. We now know now and that's why we don't play that now. but I should have clocked all the red flags as he was presenting them. So here's what I'll tell you. If after three months you're with someone, that is a healthy time for you to have, number one, know that person. Two, know if, do you see a future with this person? And do you see outside of the potential actual follow-through, right? Because like I said earlier, talk is cheap. So if you want to go ahead and spit me Thank you. a huge game i always think of my dad my dad was cuban and he would say so i'll translate it in english but he would say no heck can i so that means don't let anybody give you a motor doesn't really translate well in english but pretty much don't let anybody talk a game to you and that's something that i'm always so grateful that i remember my dad saying to me because even though i didn't apply it a lot toward the end of that situation ship i was giving you the example of i would i would remember i like bro this guy's Like he's trying to just tell me what I want to hear. And thank God my dad said that because push came to shove and I confronted him. And he promised me that we were going to be together, do all these things. And guess what? He ghosted me. So I took a moment and I was like, well, I'm not okay with this. And I specifically told him, if you ghost me again, I will never speak to you again. And I'm a woman of my word. My talk is not cheap. I talk a lot of shit and I back it up. So with receipts, proof, timeline, and all that stuff. And what did I do? I never spoke to him again. Why? Because he didn't deserve it. He showed me that if I showed up in an authentic way and expressed myself and told him what I wanted as a partner and as a man, let me add, he couldn't show up for me. He had to run away because he was avoided. That's respectfully his issue, and he lives the life that he has now. And that's none of my business because I live the life that I have now, the life I desire, the life that I, when I met my husband, very soon after that. showed me that I was worthy of having the desires that I wanted be respected, being also spoken to in a way that follow through actually happened, and that I was worthy of it. And that I was worthy of being with someone who, even if we didn't agree all the time, he could still hold space for me and I could hold space for him, because that's a healthy dynamic. And that's what we want to be mindful of. Kind of like how I shared with you guys a few videos ago about my three strikes trial. I really like the number three, as you can tell. So think of it like this. If in three months you don't know what you are, you're liking a situationship and you should say something. 90 day probation period. Let's just get creative with it. Kind of like you're out of job. If in 90 days I don't like you, I can kick you out. At least here in the state of Florida. Right. So with that, you do the same thing and apply the same thing in the situationship. If in 90 days you can't show up, follow through on any of the things you're saying to me. then talk is cheap. You're giving me a hard time. And I'm not feeling that right now. That's not what I want. And I'm not in alignment with that. If you are, that's okay. But if you're watching this, you're like, you know, so clock it. One of the things that I want to be mindful of is not being in a relationship with a projection of what you want. Because all of us, I know if I'll tell you this, every single guy I've ever dated in my life, I have already had a Pinterest board. planned our wedding, thought about what our kids' names were going to be. That is something that's so normal in any dynamic. I think that's just something that happens in our human nature because we want to project that. We want to manifest that, right? But in my case, thank God, no one I was ever with before I landed with, thank you God, I landed with Al. But that projection is something that a lot of us fall for. And when we have that projection and that desire of what we want, we then... you know, fall into that trap and that addictive loop again. One of the things that I hear a lot of my clients, my friends, and just people in general, whenever I talk to them about this is I need closure. I need to go speak to him. I need to go speak to her. I need to speak to them face to face to end this. Our brains think about it like this. Something I say a lot is that that's making my brain itch. I don't like when my brain is itchy. And what do I mean by that? If I don't understand why something is going on? I need to go research it. I need to go figure out why it's not happening, right? And there's just something about being with someone face-to-face that feels a little bit safer in the way of like, I can see their eyes and I can, you know, almost pressure them. But think about what that does. If the person isn't committing to you via phone, via action, via whatever, respectfully, what makes you think that you going to pick up your sweater that you left at their house is going to make the difference of and them wanting to change their mind and realize, man, she's really worth it. I should really be with her. Why are we, why are we struggling with that? Why are we, why are we lowering who we are to accept that? We're lowering our standard by doing that. Dude, I remember I had a client once say that to me and I was like, how much was the sweater? I'll give you the money for the sweater. I'll deduct it from your fee. I swear to God, I don't want to hear about the sweater anymore. Straight up. Thank God that that never happened with that client in particular. But when we do that, right, it is us just trying to almost assert control over a situation. But think about what you're really doing. You're trying to peer pressure someone that's with their actions telling you, I don't want to be with you. Why would you do that? Why would you want to start off on that type of negative foot? You want someone that wants to be with you. You should want someone that wants to buy you all the fucking sweaters. That wants you to have a part in their closet. That wants you to have your toothbrush at their house. That wants you to move in with them. I mean, maybe not right away. We want to be mindful of that because that's also toxic. That we'll get into in another episode. But we want someone that wants us. Not someone that we need to force to want us. So please be mindful of that because we really get attached to that. And I'm going to say something and I'm going to give you a forewarning. Some of the suggestions I'm going to give you in a little bit, you're going to probably, some of you, respectfully are going to be like, well, I want to be mature. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying what you guys are going to say to me because it's been said to me already. Or that's very immature. No, no. The mature thing is having respect for yourself and value for yourself because this person is not wanting to invest in you. Because if they did, respectfully, you wouldn't be watching this video because you'd know where you are and where you stand with this person. So when we think of closure and what we want, our brains are programmed to want to have that right like unfinished narratives in our brain like an unfinished story if you think of your life as a journey or as a book I don't want to know what happens, right? So we want to know what happens in the end. So that's why we strive to want to get this closure. But I need to go ahead and in a very loving way, just tell you, sometimes closure is just you moving on from something that no longer serves you. Because the person is showing you what they're respectfully capable of. And if they wanted to, they would. And that's the closure that... If there's any sentence here that you or take away from today's video is that if they wanted to, they would. And if they respected you respectfully, they would have. So sometimes that's the only closure we need is understanding someone in their humanity and whatever their life circumstance is and dialectic, two things existing, knowing that that's not for you, that's not where you're at, and that's not what you want, most importantly. This feeling of confusion, nobody likes. And it is so uncomfortable, especially when it comes to love and wanting to find love. And I want you to think about it like this. The longer you continue to entertain this confusion, you are moving away and further away from meeting the person that wants to give you the reality that you want. And that's another good takeaway that I want you to have. And I know for me was a grounding. place when I finally left that toxic dynamic I spoke about earlier. I'm an elder millennial, as we know, and I love me some Taylor and I love me some Kelly Clarkson. So there are two songs, I mean, Taylor has a whole arsenal of songs that I could quote, but all too well, if you know that song, all the versions of it and all the lengths of it, you know that it's one of, it describes a situationship to the T and one of the One of my favorite lyrics of that song is, when you call me up again just to break me like a promise. And when you think of that, think of how that promise, that is the potential we were just talking about, right? The promise of giving you exactly what you wanted. The promise of having the trips. The promise of a future together. But you're just calling me to break it again. Because you know that I'll allow you to. And when I think of the addiction loop. that we were talking about earlier. I think of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted. And there's this one lyric in there. And you will tell that I listened to that song at nauseam during many situationships, but it's, I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. That's the closure. Yeah, just one more time. Just one more time. And here's the thing. Nine times out of 10, when you do that, like in-person closure, it's a different type. of meeting and the guy gets laid and you stay confused. So let's just remember that. So now we need to break these loops I keep talking to you about, right? And how the hell do we do that? Well, number one, I need you to get very clear about what you want out of this dynamic. Do you want to, depending on the age that you are listening to this, you may be in a different part of your life, but do you know you want a boyfriend? Do you know you want a girlfriend? Do you know you want to partner? whatever you call it. Okay. Get clear about that. Do you think that this person can do it? The potential you is going to be like, yes, absolutely. Because they've told me this. Yeah. But have they followed through? Probably not. So we need to get clear about that. Get clear of how this person actually makes you feel. Because knowing that your dynamic with this person is confusing, love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be confusing. And I'm talking to you as an elder millennial where R&B banked on that and taught us about toxic love and sticking with it. And now I will say that there is an element of meeting people in their humanity. And I want to be mindful of that. However, I will also say in the same vein that if this person is continuing to making you feel like an option, I'm here to remind you that you are a choice and an active choice at that. So I need you to get clear and ask yourself, is this person choosing me? Going back to the Meredith Great quote, choose me, pick me, love me. Are they doing that? Because if their actions are showing you that, then we don't need to have this conversation anymore. You're clear about that. But if they aren't, we need to be mindful of that. So getting clear is the first step. Step number two, I want you. the same breath of being clear to go on Google or your favorite search engine website and look up what a feelings wheel is. I don't know if you can see this, but this is what it should look like. This is a feelings wheel. I have this on a pillow here in my office. You don't need to. I mean, but if you want to print one out just to make sure you could label your emotions, then it's good to have. Because I want you to look at this and assess, do any of these feelings make me feel triggered? Do they make me feel sad? Am I more frustrated? Am I more in the anger? Or depressed type of thing. And if that's the case, you need to be very honest with yourself. Because you're probably not in a healthy dynamic. The next step is I want you to, after you label that, I want you to notice where you feel it in your body. More times than not, whenever we're angry, sad, or something's making us not feel good, we could get nauseous. We could feel a knot in our throat. We could feel pain or tightness in our chest. Notice that. Notice what actually labeling those emotions feel like, because what that means is there is a story there, whether it's this story, a past story, it is a felt sense that you have had that has taken place and lives there. In brain spotting, we always say there's a story there. Let's go with that. And just getting curious to that, because oftentimes we are stemming from a space of. I'm not good enough. I don't belong. I don't matter. And when something triggers that, that sensation will be felt in one of those areas. So get curious to that and be very honest with yourself about it, because this is about you being honest with you so that we're not continuing to fall into that loop of potential. On the contrary, we're actually breaking it and practicing more of, okay, I need to go and break this sort of habit right now. And that requires some time because you now have gotten accustomed to this intermittent reinforcement and also that negative toxic cycle we've been talking about. Now, this is the part where I told you that you're going to likely, depending on your school of thought, could say that's really mature. But I'm going to ask you to just be curious to what I'm saying. And I'm going to say this really respectfully, like a loving big sister. You are going to have an urge to reach out to this person. You are going to have an urge to you like their posts, continue following them, all of the above. And I'm going to tell you that you need a detox. We talked about an addictive loop. This is an actual addictive loop. You need to go through withdrawal and withdrawal is going to bring up all of those emotions of wanting to reach out to the person, wanting to just see how their day is. If they wanted you to see how their day was, they would have followed through and done the things that was mutually. reciprocated in that dynamic. I need to lovingly remind you of that. Okay. So one of the things I'm going to tell you is I need you to do a detox of 14 to 30 days. I am going to also advise that you delete and unfollow anybody that's their friend, anybody that is their family member, or anybody that has any sort of connection to them. Even if you guys have mutuals, depending on the mutual. Right. I mean, I mean, there's there's some flexibility here, but here's what I'll tell you. What happens more often than not, and you're talking to a very, very elder millennial that loved her AOL, you know, lyrics and would leave these like very ominous and, you know, mysterious kind of away messages. Right. All that's doing is giving them their power. You're literally giving them power. You're letting them know I hurt her. I still have power over her. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you give somebody that you know is a friend of theirs access to your page? Oh, because I want them to see me. How many times have I heard this? I want them to see me doing well. Who gives a fuck? You're doing well because you're doing well, not because you want them to see you do well. The best, best, best revenge is for you to do well and for you to do it for you, not for them. not for likes and not for their conversation. You are not anybody's gossip. Don't do that. People, do you think people want to listen to their own shit or want to actually pay attention to their own stuff? No. That's why they're like, oh, spill the tea sis or give me this. It's like, yeah, because they'd rather that than have to pay attention to themselves. So do you want to be someone's gossip currency? You got to ask yourself that because respectfully, that's all you're going to be. The gossip to that person and they're going to give them that. Oh, did you see what she posted? Did you see what he posted? Who cares? Just do you. And delete those people. Mute them. Don't do anything for them. Do it for you. Because that's how you get over this. And that is how you then invite the energy that wants you. Because if you keep feeding that negative energy, respectfully, to that other person, that's what you're going to continue to invite and respectfully entertain. You're telling the universe, God, whatever you want, I still want this. I still want them to want me. No. No. Delete, block, buy. Cut it out. In true millennial fashion. Sorry, I watch a lot of Full House growing up. But it's true. Just cut it out. Because if you're going to do that, respectfully, that's immature. Because that's letting your ego make you feel some type of way about it. The best revenge is you being successful and them having to watch from the cheap seats. Them having to lurk on your page or create a finsta because you're not fazed by them and you don't need to see their stuff. Because you're focused on you and not on them and their stagnant energy. Respectfully. So I gave you the 14 to 30 day no contact window, and I know that there's some variability in that. So I want to be mindful of that. Okay. Now, if you choose, it takes 21 days to build a habit, by the way. So if you choose to unblock them or want to speak to them, that is very much your choice. Do I advise it? No, but you're a human and you have free will, and I want you to do whatever feels right for you. Now, when you get that text, because it just... is i think it's just murphy's law the second that you unfollow or like unblock them they just so happen to come up especially if mercury is in retrograde as we know so if that occurs i want you to practice the dbt skill of urge surfing what does that mean you are not i repeat you're not going to reply to them the second that they reply to you you're gonna wait 15 to 20 minutes I'd say. And what you're going to do in that time is you're going to cope. You are going to phone a friend or send a voicemail or a voice note to a friend. And if you need to do it multiple times, do that. I want you to also set a timer before you do this because you, I want you to wait to see if you even feel like writing back to them. That impulse is going to kick in because that's like, you get the butterflies, you get the like, Oh my God, Oh my God, they finally messaged me, whatever. Right. That happens to all of us. I've been there. It's a thing. So what do we do? Set a timer for 20 minutes. We're going to journal and we're going to write, you know, what we're feeling right now in the moment. What is this emotion? I want you to be very honest with yourself. Are you excited? Do you, are you curious? What is it that's there? Because there is that longing for the good things. Remember, our brains love to remember. It's called euphoric recall. We love to remember all the good stuff, but when it comes to the bad stuff, it tries to protect us. So it's like we don't talk about Bruno, right? We don't want to talk about it. So with that being said, I want you for 20 minutes to give yourself an activity of either journaling, doing a walk, going to go work out, take a cold shower, go drink some cold water, whatever it is you need to do. But do it for 20 minutes and then afterwards, see if you still feel the need or inclination to want to message them. And if you do, then you do what you want to do. But just know that you are inviting that sort of energy and you need to be mindful of that and what you're inviting again and what follow through looks like. And you need to be very clear about that because we can be people in their humanity and that's something that I'm going to always preach. But, and you know I never say but, I'm always an and girl. If this person tries the same bullshit again, don't entertain it. Like, real talk. It's not worth it because they're going to continue doing the same thing. And you are now showing them effectively what it actually takes for you to just come back and bounce back. So now you've given them a threshold. So if they do it again, it's going to continue the loop and we need to stop the loop. There is an element of cognitive dissonance that occurs in these sorts of dynamics and an excitement that happens when we get this communication back from this person who we've wanted. And I want you to honor that because. It makes you human. All of us want to believe that someone's good. I'm never going to take that away from someone. But like I've mentioned to you before, and I will mention it again and again, benefit of the doubt is something that is earned. And meeting someone in their humanity, again, I'm using very specific language for a reason, is something that if they show you who they are, you are going to believe them because it's going to continue. So in cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework right now. We need to break what is called your cognitive distortion. So I'm going to give you some homework right now. I want you to create two lists for me. List A is going to be the real reality, which is how you felt. We have all your emotional words. We have your feelings. I need you to go there. I need you to remember all the situations. And something I always tell you guys to do is actually put this. I personally like for you guys to write it pen to paper and then to actually transfer it onto your phone into a note. Why? So that we're reinforcing this again and we're rewriting it again. Or if you don't want to rewrite it again through typing it, You can dictate it. It needs to come from you doing that. We're literally rewiring your brain to help ground you into reality. So that's your real reality. That's list A. List B is going to be the potential list. And what that means is what did you want from them? What did you hope from that dynamic? What did you hope would occur? And where did you, what were your dreams for this relationship? And what I want you to do is after those 30 days, You're going to have that list A. And one of the coping skills you're going to do when you're waiting the 20 minutes to reply back is to relook at that list, that real reality list, not the potential one. Because the real reality is based off facts that you emotionally have now registered to your body. Trust is like a mirror, to quote Mother Monster. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see a crack in that motherfucker's reflection. And no truer words have ever been spoken. to when you talk about a situationship and what that does to someone's cognitive process and even their just belief in love because it grounds you in confusion. So those are my two homework assignments for you so that you have that and you can really ground yourself on reality. You deserve it. I'm going to leave you with this. The moment you start chasing potential, you start recognizing patterns and you start recognizing the patterns that you are okay with. and welcome into your life. And that's okay. Very aligned to, you know, our values and what we want in a dynamic. You deserve a love that loves you the way that you love because you're worthy of it. And situationships are not the vibe. They're not what you want. They are toxic. They are annoying and they leave you worse than you started because you're chasing this potential and this addiction that will never, ever, ever cure itself if you continue in it. respectively. I hope that this was helpful. If you have any examples or want me to expand more on situationships, please leave me some comments. And I want to discuss this with you because I really find that we heal a lot in community. And I'm going to be announcing something in the next few weeks where we're going to be doing just that. So stay tuned for any updates. Make sure to follow me on all socials. And till next time, I'll see you then. Take care and

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Description

Situationships are one of the most confusing—and addictive—relationship dynamics. Period.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
“What did I do wrong?”
“Why were they so into me yesterday but distant today?”
“Why can’t I let this go?”

This episode is for you.

Coral dives into:

Through personal stories, pop culture references, and a trauma-informed lens, Coral gives you both the clarity and the tough love you need to stop chasing what isn’t choosing you.

Because if they wanted to… they would.

And you deserve a love that is clear, consistent, and mutual.

The road always leads back to you!

The road is long, but you never have to walk it alone.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

Transcription

Speaker #0
Situationships are one of the most complex dynamics that unless you've been through it, you don't understand. But today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, I am going to be covering not only how situationships are actually harder than real relationships, they're actually much more complex and difficult to move from. Let's talk about it. So when I say situationships are more difficult than real relationships. It's because your body, mind, and soul has now become accustomed to what we call an addictive loop. What does that mean? We start to now almost be trained in the inconsistency. The person starts with giving you all this attention and the promise of tomorrow. Oh my God, we're going to be together. This is going to be excellent. The classic, I've never felt this way before or connected with anybody before. like this. And then all of a sudden stuff starts to just pause. What did I do? What happened? Why is this happening? Did I, did I say something? Did I misspeak? Things were great yesterday. Why is he not talking to me today? I promise you I've been there and it is one of the most confusing dynamics because that is what it is. Its foundation is that. Be confused. Why? Because then they can breadcrumb you and give you a little bit of what we call intermittent reinforcement. What is intermittent reinforcement? Intermittent reinforcement is when someone is giving you a little bit of praise, like, oh my God, I've never met anybody like you before, so that when they don't talk to you, you go back to that reality loop, that they said this to me. I know that's true. Why? Because we're confused. We need to ground ourselves on facts. And if the person said that to you, then that's a fact. However, you follow the road leads back to me and you probably follow my content. So you know that when people show us who they are, we believe them. And respectfully, talk is cheap. Committed action and follow through is what we look for. And people that give you that sort of situationship cannot follow through on things. Why? Because they bank on you being okay with what we call the addictive loop. And we're going to go into that now. So something that we see here with this intermittent reinforcement and addiction loop is something that we see in gambling. For example, let's say that you go to the slot machine, right? You've never gambled in your life and you go and you put 20 bucks in, you put that 20 bucks in and you cash out at like $3,000. What do you do? Oh my God, I now can make three grand out of 20 grand out of 20 bucks. I'm going to go and I'm going to keep trying this. And then you end up negative like 5,000 because you were trying to chase that initial 3,000, right? Similarly enough, we see that sort of pattern in this intermittent reinforcement and addictive loop. And unfortunately, people that have ADHD or are neurodivergent tend to really stick to this because what we look for here is a dopamine kick. and people have ADHD. really thrive off of dopamine or dopamine seekers. So what happens? We get the reward after that, because we as humans love rewards, right? Think of token economy. That's applied behavior analysis 101. If a kid behaves good, you're going to give them a sticker. The kid is going to want to continue to do things to get more stickers and hopefully by the end of the week, get a prize. Similarly enough. Now think of it. think about that and how many of us had that growing up. We are programmed to seek rewards. Similarly enough, with these sorts of dynamics, we are going to see that almost seeking of the dopamine, which is when we get that interaction or that reward, which is, oh my God, he texted me finally, or she's paying attention to me. That's what it kind of ends up marrying. So then you become addicted to the unpredictability, right? Because Again, us as humans, we are wired for reward. So what happens? We go, we cycle. And the cycle goes to connection, withdrawal, anxiety, and relief, rinse, and repeat. And it continues to go over and over again. And you are in an addictive loop, hoping that maybe something will be a little different. And on today's... episode you're gonna hear me be a little bit tougher on you and give you some big sister tough love because you need to hear these things as someone who's been through it It is one of the most heartbreaking things because you're actually confused going through it. And you want to believe that this person believes the things that they've told you because all of us want connection and all of us want to be loved and be with somebody that loves us back. Except in these type of dynamics, the confusion is what drives it and keeps you stuck in that addictive loop that we just spoke about. So I hope that you can listen with an open heart. And just know that this is just some loving big sister advice, but you need to hear this. This is not what you want. And this is likely not going to play out the way you want it to play out respectfully. So what happens in these dynamics that makes it addictive is we fall for potential. Why? Because we've seen what the person is capable of, right? We've seen that they're capable of telling you everything you want to hear. promising you the the beautiful romantic trip to san francisco that you guys are gonna go and have very specific details oh my god i feel so special this person went and really thought this out no this is this person's soundbite this is the rinse and repeat thing that he has said to multiple people i'm giving you that as a real life example that i got fed the bullshit i got fed once and it was just that bullshit and you need to clock it Because when someone tells you something so specific and can't then go commit to booking the trip or starting the itinerary, running away from it, that's how you know it's bullshit. Because if someone's saying that and has all that planned, hey, what are your weeks looking like? X date, X date. I've looked at this hotel. These would be our flights. Let's go. Right. If you're in a partnership, you know, when you take a trip with your partner, you've already talked about that and discussed it. And it's important that you... Really, really, really pay attention to not their potential, but their follow through, because that is the key thing here. You're going to talk to me and tell me all the things I want to hear, especially if I mean this respectfully, if we are seeking that sort of marriage or wanting to get that sort of level in our relationship. And when we want that, that's what we want to hear. Our brain is programmed to want to hear the things that we want. So when that occurs, people like this really bank on you wanting to be with their potential. And unfortunately, they just never follow through because they don't have the capacity, the will or the desire to. Because if they wanted to, they would, respectfully. One of the biggest examples I could think of falling for potential. And let me make sure I say this. This is. TV that I'm going to be referencing. And that's the problem, right? We fall for some of these things that we watch on TV and think, wow, this could really be me, right? Because we want it to be us. And on that note, I think of Grey's Anatomy. And I think of specifically the scene with Meredith, where she is there with McDreamy and is just saying, pick me, choose me, love me. When Addison is there now, all of a sudden. and he wants to get back with her. She fell for his potential. And if you follow that show, the emotional rollercoaster ride that was Meredith Grey and McDreamy is not something that a lot of our nervous systems respectfully could tolerate. And that's why it lives in TV, not in real life. And in true millennial fashion, I cannot go without speaking about the longest situation ship we've ever had to witness on television, Mr. Big. and carry. I hope that now that we are more regulated people and hopefully have more therapy under our belt, we can respect the desire and the whimsicalness of that dynamic and also respect how toxic it was and not something that any of us should strive. I think of when I was younger and I'd be like, oh, that's my Mr. Big. That's not a good thing. That's not a good thing. No, no. Why would we do that? So we now know that, right? But what we do know now in the neuroscience shows is that women are actually more prone to falling for this sort of dynamic. Why? Because we're nurturing by our biology. We want to have that sort of connection with someone and also that potential. And we're wired for that. And unfortunately, because of that, we tend to give what I call benefit of the doubt. and go a little benefit of the doubt blind. You know, we make excuses. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe he, you know, I don't know. I just don't think that he is in a space right now where he's ready to commit to that sort of thing. Okay, so how long are we waiting? Because we've been at this for a while. And you need to get very clear with yourself on how long you're willing to continue to entertain this. Because respectfully, if you're watching this video and looked it up, it means that you're probably not feeling good and you want an answer. So this is when I told you I'm going to be a little bit more tough love on you. That's what I mean. These are the harsh reality checks that I'm going to need you to really just sit with yourself with as you take in this information. Meanwhile, most men actually attach to what's happening in front of them and that's what they actually end up operating through as opposed to us being with potential. So for example, if you are allowing someone to continue to be avoidant and not answer you because that's what you're allowing, that's what they're going to continue. So That's a very important point to just really be mindful of because what you allow will persist. So you need to be very cautious of that. So you're probably wondering, how do I know if this is a situationship? Well, respectfully, a relationship is very clear. You know if you're dating someone, you know if they're your boyfriend, you know if they're your girlfriend, you know if they're your partner, whatever you identify as. And if you don't know that, you're in a situationship. So let's get clear with that. If you don't know, then that's that. If you feel scared. of having to ask them or say something to them, you're in a situation. Because if you're with a partner, and especially in the beginning, that's when the romance is fresh. It's clean. It's super exciting. And you should feel the safest to be able to say something to them because things are good. You probably haven't had your first fight yet or discussion because here's something I will say. Fights are healthy in relationships. Not that you need to be in one all the time. But if someone isn't fighting or a relationship doesn't have a fight, that means someone's holding back something in their dynamic and then, you know, not creating that secure attachment and working toward that. So that's really important for us to be mindful of as well. One of the things that I tell my clients, I've told my friends, and I've actually applied in my own life, right? So before I met my husband, I was in a really crazy situation. And I'll never forget, there was this moment where I had already told him how I felt and he promised me the moon, the stars and the sky, right? All the things that I felt for potential, right? And on paper, he was everything I wanted. Now, here's what I'll tell you. Months went by and anytime I tried asking where we were, he would avoid, deflect and literally ghost me. So I should have had all the red flags. We now know now and that's why we don't play that now. but I should have clocked all the red flags as he was presenting them. So here's what I'll tell you. If after three months you're with someone, that is a healthy time for you to have, number one, know that person. Two, know if, do you see a future with this person? And do you see outside of the potential actual follow-through, right? Because like I said earlier, talk is cheap. So if you want to go ahead and spit me Thank you. a huge game i always think of my dad my dad was cuban and he would say so i'll translate it in english but he would say no heck can i so that means don't let anybody give you a motor doesn't really translate well in english but pretty much don't let anybody talk a game to you and that's something that i'm always so grateful that i remember my dad saying to me because even though i didn't apply it a lot toward the end of that situation ship i was giving you the example of i would i would remember i like bro this guy's Like he's trying to just tell me what I want to hear. And thank God my dad said that because push came to shove and I confronted him. And he promised me that we were going to be together, do all these things. And guess what? He ghosted me. So I took a moment and I was like, well, I'm not okay with this. And I specifically told him, if you ghost me again, I will never speak to you again. And I'm a woman of my word. My talk is not cheap. I talk a lot of shit and I back it up. So with receipts, proof, timeline, and all that stuff. And what did I do? I never spoke to him again. Why? Because he didn't deserve it. He showed me that if I showed up in an authentic way and expressed myself and told him what I wanted as a partner and as a man, let me add, he couldn't show up for me. He had to run away because he was avoided. That's respectfully his issue, and he lives the life that he has now. And that's none of my business because I live the life that I have now, the life I desire, the life that I, when I met my husband, very soon after that. showed me that I was worthy of having the desires that I wanted be respected, being also spoken to in a way that follow through actually happened, and that I was worthy of it. And that I was worthy of being with someone who, even if we didn't agree all the time, he could still hold space for me and I could hold space for him, because that's a healthy dynamic. And that's what we want to be mindful of. Kind of like how I shared with you guys a few videos ago about my three strikes trial. I really like the number three, as you can tell. So think of it like this. If in three months you don't know what you are, you're liking a situationship and you should say something. 90 day probation period. Let's just get creative with it. Kind of like you're out of job. If in 90 days I don't like you, I can kick you out. At least here in the state of Florida. Right. So with that, you do the same thing and apply the same thing in the situationship. If in 90 days you can't show up, follow through on any of the things you're saying to me. then talk is cheap. You're giving me a hard time. And I'm not feeling that right now. That's not what I want. And I'm not in alignment with that. If you are, that's okay. But if you're watching this, you're like, you know, so clock it. One of the things that I want to be mindful of is not being in a relationship with a projection of what you want. Because all of us, I know if I'll tell you this, every single guy I've ever dated in my life, I have already had a Pinterest board. planned our wedding, thought about what our kids' names were going to be. That is something that's so normal in any dynamic. I think that's just something that happens in our human nature because we want to project that. We want to manifest that, right? But in my case, thank God, no one I was ever with before I landed with, thank you God, I landed with Al. But that projection is something that a lot of us fall for. And when we have that projection and that desire of what we want, we then... you know, fall into that trap and that addictive loop again. One of the things that I hear a lot of my clients, my friends, and just people in general, whenever I talk to them about this is I need closure. I need to go speak to him. I need to go speak to her. I need to speak to them face to face to end this. Our brains think about it like this. Something I say a lot is that that's making my brain itch. I don't like when my brain is itchy. And what do I mean by that? If I don't understand why something is going on? I need to go research it. I need to go figure out why it's not happening, right? And there's just something about being with someone face-to-face that feels a little bit safer in the way of like, I can see their eyes and I can, you know, almost pressure them. But think about what that does. If the person isn't committing to you via phone, via action, via whatever, respectfully, what makes you think that you going to pick up your sweater that you left at their house is going to make the difference of and them wanting to change their mind and realize, man, she's really worth it. I should really be with her. Why are we, why are we struggling with that? Why are we, why are we lowering who we are to accept that? We're lowering our standard by doing that. Dude, I remember I had a client once say that to me and I was like, how much was the sweater? I'll give you the money for the sweater. I'll deduct it from your fee. I swear to God, I don't want to hear about the sweater anymore. Straight up. Thank God that that never happened with that client in particular. But when we do that, right, it is us just trying to almost assert control over a situation. But think about what you're really doing. You're trying to peer pressure someone that's with their actions telling you, I don't want to be with you. Why would you do that? Why would you want to start off on that type of negative foot? You want someone that wants to be with you. You should want someone that wants to buy you all the fucking sweaters. That wants you to have a part in their closet. That wants you to have your toothbrush at their house. That wants you to move in with them. I mean, maybe not right away. We want to be mindful of that because that's also toxic. That we'll get into in another episode. But we want someone that wants us. Not someone that we need to force to want us. So please be mindful of that because we really get attached to that. And I'm going to say something and I'm going to give you a forewarning. Some of the suggestions I'm going to give you in a little bit, you're going to probably, some of you, respectfully are going to be like, well, I want to be mature. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying what you guys are going to say to me because it's been said to me already. Or that's very immature. No, no. The mature thing is having respect for yourself and value for yourself because this person is not wanting to invest in you. Because if they did, respectfully, you wouldn't be watching this video because you'd know where you are and where you stand with this person. So when we think of closure and what we want, our brains are programmed to want to have that right like unfinished narratives in our brain like an unfinished story if you think of your life as a journey or as a book I don't want to know what happens, right? So we want to know what happens in the end. So that's why we strive to want to get this closure. But I need to go ahead and in a very loving way, just tell you, sometimes closure is just you moving on from something that no longer serves you. Because the person is showing you what they're respectfully capable of. And if they wanted to, they would. And that's the closure that... If there's any sentence here that you or take away from today's video is that if they wanted to, they would. And if they respected you respectfully, they would have. So sometimes that's the only closure we need is understanding someone in their humanity and whatever their life circumstance is and dialectic, two things existing, knowing that that's not for you, that's not where you're at, and that's not what you want, most importantly. This feeling of confusion, nobody likes. And it is so uncomfortable, especially when it comes to love and wanting to find love. And I want you to think about it like this. The longer you continue to entertain this confusion, you are moving away and further away from meeting the person that wants to give you the reality that you want. And that's another good takeaway that I want you to have. And I know for me was a grounding. place when I finally left that toxic dynamic I spoke about earlier. I'm an elder millennial, as we know, and I love me some Taylor and I love me some Kelly Clarkson. So there are two songs, I mean, Taylor has a whole arsenal of songs that I could quote, but all too well, if you know that song, all the versions of it and all the lengths of it, you know that it's one of, it describes a situationship to the T and one of the One of my favorite lyrics of that song is, when you call me up again just to break me like a promise. And when you think of that, think of how that promise, that is the potential we were just talking about, right? The promise of giving you exactly what you wanted. The promise of having the trips. The promise of a future together. But you're just calling me to break it again. Because you know that I'll allow you to. And when I think of the addiction loop. that we were talking about earlier. I think of Kelly Clarkson's Addicted. And there's this one lyric in there. And you will tell that I listened to that song at nauseam during many situationships, but it's, I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. That's the closure. Yeah, just one more time. Just one more time. And here's the thing. Nine times out of 10, when you do that, like in-person closure, it's a different type. of meeting and the guy gets laid and you stay confused. So let's just remember that. So now we need to break these loops I keep talking to you about, right? And how the hell do we do that? Well, number one, I need you to get very clear about what you want out of this dynamic. Do you want to, depending on the age that you are listening to this, you may be in a different part of your life, but do you know you want a boyfriend? Do you know you want a girlfriend? Do you know you want to partner? whatever you call it. Okay. Get clear about that. Do you think that this person can do it? The potential you is going to be like, yes, absolutely. Because they've told me this. Yeah. But have they followed through? Probably not. So we need to get clear about that. Get clear of how this person actually makes you feel. Because knowing that your dynamic with this person is confusing, love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to be confusing. And I'm talking to you as an elder millennial where R&B banked on that and taught us about toxic love and sticking with it. And now I will say that there is an element of meeting people in their humanity. And I want to be mindful of that. However, I will also say in the same vein that if this person is continuing to making you feel like an option, I'm here to remind you that you are a choice and an active choice at that. So I need you to get clear and ask yourself, is this person choosing me? Going back to the Meredith Great quote, choose me, pick me, love me. Are they doing that? Because if their actions are showing you that, then we don't need to have this conversation anymore. You're clear about that. But if they aren't, we need to be mindful of that. So getting clear is the first step. Step number two, I want you. the same breath of being clear to go on Google or your favorite search engine website and look up what a feelings wheel is. I don't know if you can see this, but this is what it should look like. This is a feelings wheel. I have this on a pillow here in my office. You don't need to. I mean, but if you want to print one out just to make sure you could label your emotions, then it's good to have. Because I want you to look at this and assess, do any of these feelings make me feel triggered? Do they make me feel sad? Am I more frustrated? Am I more in the anger? Or depressed type of thing. And if that's the case, you need to be very honest with yourself. Because you're probably not in a healthy dynamic. The next step is I want you to, after you label that, I want you to notice where you feel it in your body. More times than not, whenever we're angry, sad, or something's making us not feel good, we could get nauseous. We could feel a knot in our throat. We could feel pain or tightness in our chest. Notice that. Notice what actually labeling those emotions feel like, because what that means is there is a story there, whether it's this story, a past story, it is a felt sense that you have had that has taken place and lives there. In brain spotting, we always say there's a story there. Let's go with that. And just getting curious to that, because oftentimes we are stemming from a space of. I'm not good enough. I don't belong. I don't matter. And when something triggers that, that sensation will be felt in one of those areas. So get curious to that and be very honest with yourself about it, because this is about you being honest with you so that we're not continuing to fall into that loop of potential. On the contrary, we're actually breaking it and practicing more of, okay, I need to go and break this sort of habit right now. And that requires some time because you now have gotten accustomed to this intermittent reinforcement and also that negative toxic cycle we've been talking about. Now, this is the part where I told you that you're going to likely, depending on your school of thought, could say that's really mature. But I'm going to ask you to just be curious to what I'm saying. And I'm going to say this really respectfully, like a loving big sister. You are going to have an urge to reach out to this person. You are going to have an urge to you like their posts, continue following them, all of the above. And I'm going to tell you that you need a detox. We talked about an addictive loop. This is an actual addictive loop. You need to go through withdrawal and withdrawal is going to bring up all of those emotions of wanting to reach out to the person, wanting to just see how their day is. If they wanted you to see how their day was, they would have followed through and done the things that was mutually. reciprocated in that dynamic. I need to lovingly remind you of that. Okay. So one of the things I'm going to tell you is I need you to do a detox of 14 to 30 days. I am going to also advise that you delete and unfollow anybody that's their friend, anybody that is their family member, or anybody that has any sort of connection to them. Even if you guys have mutuals, depending on the mutual. Right. I mean, I mean, there's there's some flexibility here, but here's what I'll tell you. What happens more often than not, and you're talking to a very, very elder millennial that loved her AOL, you know, lyrics and would leave these like very ominous and, you know, mysterious kind of away messages. Right. All that's doing is giving them their power. You're literally giving them power. You're letting them know I hurt her. I still have power over her. Why would you do that? Why would you do that? Why would you give somebody that you know is a friend of theirs access to your page? Oh, because I want them to see me. How many times have I heard this? I want them to see me doing well. Who gives a fuck? You're doing well because you're doing well, not because you want them to see you do well. The best, best, best revenge is for you to do well and for you to do it for you, not for them. not for likes and not for their conversation. You are not anybody's gossip. Don't do that. People, do you think people want to listen to their own shit or want to actually pay attention to their own stuff? No. That's why they're like, oh, spill the tea sis or give me this. It's like, yeah, because they'd rather that than have to pay attention to themselves. So do you want to be someone's gossip currency? You got to ask yourself that because respectfully, that's all you're going to be. The gossip to that person and they're going to give them that. Oh, did you see what she posted? Did you see what he posted? Who cares? Just do you. And delete those people. Mute them. Don't do anything for them. Do it for you. Because that's how you get over this. And that is how you then invite the energy that wants you. Because if you keep feeding that negative energy, respectfully, to that other person, that's what you're going to continue to invite and respectfully entertain. You're telling the universe, God, whatever you want, I still want this. I still want them to want me. No. No. Delete, block, buy. Cut it out. In true millennial fashion. Sorry, I watch a lot of Full House growing up. But it's true. Just cut it out. Because if you're going to do that, respectfully, that's immature. Because that's letting your ego make you feel some type of way about it. The best revenge is you being successful and them having to watch from the cheap seats. Them having to lurk on your page or create a finsta because you're not fazed by them and you don't need to see their stuff. Because you're focused on you and not on them and their stagnant energy. Respectfully. So I gave you the 14 to 30 day no contact window, and I know that there's some variability in that. So I want to be mindful of that. Okay. Now, if you choose, it takes 21 days to build a habit, by the way. So if you choose to unblock them or want to speak to them, that is very much your choice. Do I advise it? No, but you're a human and you have free will, and I want you to do whatever feels right for you. Now, when you get that text, because it just... is i think it's just murphy's law the second that you unfollow or like unblock them they just so happen to come up especially if mercury is in retrograde as we know so if that occurs i want you to practice the dbt skill of urge surfing what does that mean you are not i repeat you're not going to reply to them the second that they reply to you you're gonna wait 15 to 20 minutes I'd say. And what you're going to do in that time is you're going to cope. You are going to phone a friend or send a voicemail or a voice note to a friend. And if you need to do it multiple times, do that. I want you to also set a timer before you do this because you, I want you to wait to see if you even feel like writing back to them. That impulse is going to kick in because that's like, you get the butterflies, you get the like, Oh my God, Oh my God, they finally messaged me, whatever. Right. That happens to all of us. I've been there. It's a thing. So what do we do? Set a timer for 20 minutes. We're going to journal and we're going to write, you know, what we're feeling right now in the moment. What is this emotion? I want you to be very honest with yourself. Are you excited? Do you, are you curious? What is it that's there? Because there is that longing for the good things. Remember, our brains love to remember. It's called euphoric recall. We love to remember all the good stuff, but when it comes to the bad stuff, it tries to protect us. So it's like we don't talk about Bruno, right? We don't want to talk about it. So with that being said, I want you for 20 minutes to give yourself an activity of either journaling, doing a walk, going to go work out, take a cold shower, go drink some cold water, whatever it is you need to do. But do it for 20 minutes and then afterwards, see if you still feel the need or inclination to want to message them. And if you do, then you do what you want to do. But just know that you are inviting that sort of energy and you need to be mindful of that and what you're inviting again and what follow through looks like. And you need to be very clear about that because we can be people in their humanity and that's something that I'm going to always preach. But, and you know I never say but, I'm always an and girl. If this person tries the same bullshit again, don't entertain it. Like, real talk. It's not worth it because they're going to continue doing the same thing. And you are now showing them effectively what it actually takes for you to just come back and bounce back. So now you've given them a threshold. So if they do it again, it's going to continue the loop and we need to stop the loop. There is an element of cognitive dissonance that occurs in these sorts of dynamics and an excitement that happens when we get this communication back from this person who we've wanted. And I want you to honor that because. It makes you human. All of us want to believe that someone's good. I'm never going to take that away from someone. But like I've mentioned to you before, and I will mention it again and again, benefit of the doubt is something that is earned. And meeting someone in their humanity, again, I'm using very specific language for a reason, is something that if they show you who they are, you are going to believe them because it's going to continue. So in cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm going to give you a little bit of homework right now. We need to break what is called your cognitive distortion. So I'm going to give you some homework right now. I want you to create two lists for me. List A is going to be the real reality, which is how you felt. We have all your emotional words. We have your feelings. I need you to go there. I need you to remember all the situations. And something I always tell you guys to do is actually put this. I personally like for you guys to write it pen to paper and then to actually transfer it onto your phone into a note. Why? So that we're reinforcing this again and we're rewriting it again. Or if you don't want to rewrite it again through typing it, You can dictate it. It needs to come from you doing that. We're literally rewiring your brain to help ground you into reality. So that's your real reality. That's list A. List B is going to be the potential list. And what that means is what did you want from them? What did you hope from that dynamic? What did you hope would occur? And where did you, what were your dreams for this relationship? And what I want you to do is after those 30 days, You're going to have that list A. And one of the coping skills you're going to do when you're waiting the 20 minutes to reply back is to relook at that list, that real reality list, not the potential one. Because the real reality is based off facts that you emotionally have now registered to your body. Trust is like a mirror, to quote Mother Monster. You can fix it if it's broke, but you can still see a crack in that motherfucker's reflection. And no truer words have ever been spoken. to when you talk about a situationship and what that does to someone's cognitive process and even their just belief in love because it grounds you in confusion. So those are my two homework assignments for you so that you have that and you can really ground yourself on reality. You deserve it. I'm going to leave you with this. The moment you start chasing potential, you start recognizing patterns and you start recognizing the patterns that you are okay with. and welcome into your life. And that's okay. Very aligned to, you know, our values and what we want in a dynamic. You deserve a love that loves you the way that you love because you're worthy of it. And situationships are not the vibe. They're not what you want. They are toxic. They are annoying and they leave you worse than you started because you're chasing this potential and this addiction that will never, ever, ever cure itself if you continue in it. respectively. I hope that this was helpful. If you have any examples or want me to expand more on situationships, please leave me some comments. And I want to discuss this with you because I really find that we heal a lot in community. And I'm going to be announcing something in the next few weeks where we're going to be doing just that. So stay tuned for any updates. Make sure to follow me on all socials. And till next time, I'll see you then. Take care and

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

About The Road Leads Back to Me

Hosted by therapist and mental health educator Coral Seco, The Road Leads Back to Me is an honest, heart-opening journey through healing, self-discovery, and emotional growth.

Through raw conversations and reflective storytelling, Coral helps listeners connect the dots between who they’ve been and who they’re becoming.

Executive Produced by Pink Grove Agency

Hosted on Ausha. See ausha.co/privacy-policy for more information.

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