Speaker #0If you're currently in a relationship and can't really recognize yourself, this video is for you. If you're in a dynamic where you're constantly having to overanalyze, think, and question yourself, if you feel like you're being gaslit, and one of the key things I always tell people is if you feel the need to have to record the conversation to have it almost as video proof or even audio proof, this episode is for you. and a lot of the things I'm going to talk about today might hit home. So welcome to The Road Leads Back to Me. I'm Coral Segel and we're going to be talking about am I dating a narcissist? I'm going to be giving you context clues and just signs that I want you to become mindful of to see if you are in a narcissistic dynamic and if you are feeling the way that you're feeling or have identified any of the things or identified with any of the things I just shared. how to cope with it, and what to do. Let's talk about it. So the first thing I always tell people when they're in a, or try to discern if they're in a narcissistic dynamic, is where do they stand? Are you confused? If you are confused, if you feel like everything you say is an issue, if everything that you say is going to be a problem, you're walking on eggshells all the time. Typically, that is very congruent with someone that may have a personality disorder and or is a narcissist. Now, the reason this is important is because when we are confused all the time, it is because the other person is likely behaving in a way that isn't safe or consistent. So the first thing that shows up in this sort of dynamic is confusion. And by confusion, I mean this person will one day be very hot and then the next day be very cold and you will have no idea what you did and it'll actually make you start thinking, man, did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? And constantly be feeling like you're walking on eggshells with this person. If that is happening and that is a dynamic that you're feeling, you may be either in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder of some sort or someone who is a narcissist. Now with narcissism, what we want to be mindful of is that this person is gonna always try to make you feel like you're crazy. They are going to try to make you feel like everything you're doing is invalid. For example, let's say that you need to confront them on something that they know that they weren't supposed to do, right? Or they're not doing, they're going to try to gaslight you. They're going to tell you, I know you were going to bring this up. And it is what we call, notice how I went from talking to you like this. It is a quick, if you want to even and use this kind of like a paradigm shift. in how they look and present in front of you. It is a reactivity factor, right? So what does that do? No, no, no. It's supposed to intimidate you. It's supposed to try to make you feel, okay, let me, let me not say something. Another thing too, with regard and in tandem with confusion is they engage in what I like to call word salad. So let's say that you are confronting them about something. Then they'll start reminding you of something really great that they did yesterday or a few weeks ago and how they've been so good and how nothing's ever good enough for you. They flip it on you instead of taking accountability. Right. So now can we make room for someone's humanity and just natural defense? Sure. But when it's happening all the time and the person can't take accountability and the person continues this sort of behavior, that word salad, if you continue to let them do it. they already know that that's an effective way of skewing you out of your thought process, right? So it takes a lot for us to be able to lovingly confront someone or to say something, hey, this doesn't make me feel comfortable or this doesn't make me, you know, we talked about this and we agreed on that, right? And this person becomes defensive. When they are defensive like that, they're listening to defend, not listening to actually hear. And that's important because a narcissist can never take accountability. They'll fake accountability, but they'll never take real accountability. How do we know when someone is faking accountability and when someone is taking real accountability? Simple. Committed action. So, and follow through. Here's an example. Someone can say, no, I can understand how that can make you feel. And then they'll continue to do it again. Why? Because you've allotted already before. They know what threshold they can kind of play with and where your limit is, respectfully. out Someone who is when we're making room for someone's humanity, someone who actually is taking accountability is mindful of that. Right. Hey, I understand that you you have a lot of anxiety. So I just want to be mindful of that when I say this to you, because it's not you're mindful of the person's reaction and their humanity. Right. So, you know, they're anxious. So I'm not I'm not going to abandon you. This is not me breaking up. It's almost like I always tell people it's not an emergency. Like this isn't anything you're not in trouble. Right. but It's a way of just acknowledging like, hey, I need to say this to you and I know you're an anxious person. So I just want to let you know there's nothing to be anxious about. But me, I, I statements, I feel this. And that's important because the person needs to meet you at your humanity, just like you're meeting them in theirs. And how they're making you feel should be as important as how they're making you feel because they care about you. And above all, respect you. So. Someone that is a narcissist would never take accountability. Why? Because then that would mean that they'd actually have to admit that they did something wrong and have to fix it and not it be their way. And that's something that's so uncomfortable to have to deal with. Because when you have someone like that, they, they will literally try to make you feel like crazy and that it has to just be their way instead of it being something that's mutual. Now, one of the things that I always tell people, especially like my clients, right, is relationships ideally in a perfect world would be 50-50, right? But sometimes, depending on where, you know, circumstances or wherever the person is at in their life, it could look like 60-40, 70-30. But what we want to be mindful of is how long that is the case. If the person is doing it and it's like, let's say 30 to 70 percent, right? How long is this for, right? Is it because they're in school? Is it because maybe they're dealing with something, a health issue, or whatever that may be, or if they're just really stressed with work right now? How can you support your partner is one of the things that we factor into that, but in a narcissistic relationship, it's always you pulling the weight. It's always them, you having to conform to what your partner wants you to be, not what you are in your humanity. So that's also another telltale sign and why we lose ourselves in these sorts of dynamics, because you're no longer living for you. You're living for them, respectfully. So one of the elements of this is walking on eggshells. And if you know what I mean by that, you know, think about it, right? It's when you feel so uncomfortable having to say something because of someone's reactivity or how they're going to engage with you. So for example, That's by its design because if... you then respond to them and them being afraid, then they get to get away with whatever they want to get away with. So that's not really fair in a relationship. So being mindful of that is, and if there is that sort of dynamic, that's a red flag that you may be in a narcissistic relationship or in a relationship with someone who has some sort of personality disorder. Because when that sort of dynamic occurs, you literally feel afraid of even asking for whatever you want to eat. These are those couples that sometimes, like when you go out to dinner, okay, I'll give you an example. When I go out to dinner and I'm out with my husband, right? I'll tell my husband what I want to order and he'll order it for me. Why? Because I'm half Cuban, half Puerto Rican and that's very normal in our culture, right? Now, I love me some filet mignon and my man knows that. And he knows exactly how I like it, so he already knows what my order is. But these type of people will be like, well, you know what? I don't think that you should be eating a filet mignon. I think you should be eating salmon. So I'm going to order you a salmon. I don't like salmon. No, no, but I think that's what you need to eat. And so that's what you're going to eat. I know it sounds like a kind of silly example, but that is how much control they feel like they need to have over you in that dynamic. And again, such a random and benign example is one that is very true and realistic, right? Another example is if you are out somewhere and you end up getting hit on by somebody. It's not your fault that you're getting hit on as long as you're with that person. But then that person has a problem with it, right? Because they're like jealous or their own insecurities are coming up. That's a huge red flag. Because if you're loyal to that person and you're only with them, why should it matter if somebody else is looking at you? Yeah, you are the prize. Who cares? So That's another red flag that you may be dating a narcissist or someone that is highly insecure, because that's what we do know about narcissists and narcissistic men in particular. They are highly insecure people. Respectfully. There's this saying, it's a red herring, right? And word salad. And when someone communicates like that with you is the red herring. It's the, it's the canary coming out of the tunnel, right? Like it's the, it is the, okay. Mayday, mayday. Something bad is happening right now. Right? I always think of. That part in Aladdin when the genie's coming out, he's like, Mayday, mayday. That's that part, right? So the word salad is by design to confuse you. Again, we go back to the confusion. What did I do? But I didn't do anything. I just like... It's just here. Like, how am I in trouble now? It's that sensation of that very sense. I'm in trouble. Nine times out of ten, you're a grown-ass person. What do you mean you're in trouble? You're no longer a child. Why is this dynamic replicating that? Clock it. If you feel like you are in trouble with your partner all the time, that's a huge red flag. That means that you're likely with someone who has control issues, likely a narcissist, and is wanting to have the dynamic play out. based off of their insecurity. They also make you feel like you're crazy because they love to confuse. So a very popular term that is going around now is gaslighting. And narcissists, that's their favorite type of communication style. Why? Because it gives them the leverage, it gives them the advantage, and it allows you to become confused. For example, you bring up something that's bothering you. And when you do, all of a sudden... Just like the other previous examples I gave you. No, Because a few weeks ago you did this and, and this is what that was. It's like, okay, dude, what are you talking about? Why would you say that? Like that hasn't, that's irrelevant to this. If you're bringing that up to yourself and asking, man, why is, why is this guy saying this? Or why is this person saying this? They're likely gaslighting you again, God forbid a narcissist ever try to take true accountability and own their insecurity. I mean. Some pigs fly, I guess. But with that being said, they can't take accountability. And that's why they try to gaslight you. And that's their main form of communication. It's to make you feel like you're crazy. So when you're in that type of dynamic or feeling like you're constantly confused, or if any time you bring something up, I can't bring it up because he won't hear it or she won't hear it. Likely in that sort of toxic dynamic that could be with a narcissist. So it's something to be mindful of. So questioning your sanity is one of the key notes that you notice in a narcissistic relationship or in some type of toxic dynamic. For example, if you feel the need to have to record the person or have to take a video of it because they will tell you that's not what happened. That's not what you heard. That's not what I said. And things like, no, you're crazy. You're absolutely crazy. That never happened. I never said that. I would never do that. I can't believe that you how dare you. how dare you bring that on onto me or how dare you project that onto me and it's like I have a video of you doing it so do you want me to pull it up because this is literally what you did and this is I actually have audio of it or I scribed our conversation what do you mean you absolutely said that there there are no mince words here they will say that and then act like very innocent and no I never did that I would never do that you're crazy so you If someone is making you question your reality and what you know occurred, huge red flag, and likely you may be in a narcissistic relationship. Another caveat of this sort of dynamic is that you feel emotionally exhausted. You are no longer wanting to fight. You're just kind of, you know what, it is what it is. This is just how the dynamic is going to be. And when you find yourself in that, I think it's really important to be mindful that number one, You absolutely have every right to hold space for your feelings, your full sense and your reality. Your lived experience occurred. So if you're remembering it and your body feels it, guess what? It's already registered here. You're not crazy. It happened. So don't let anybody gaslight you. Don't let anybody try to confuse you or tell you what your reality was. I'll give you an example. I had a conversation with someone a few weeks ago. where they told me I could understand. I watched the video. It was an interaction that occurred somewhere. I watched the video and what occurred was I lived it, right? The person was blocking someone that I was with from being able to go into an area. And I was like, dude, what are you doing? It was a very weird interaction. Now, when I went and spoke to the owner of the place, I was like, go play back the video because I have nothing to hide. I know exactly what happened. And when I got the reply back, it was, I assure you that I understand that I could understand why you felt that that could have been the interaction. But I assure you that's not what it was. So I replied back. I am so glad that you feel so confident in your assurance. However, it was my lived experience and I know what I experienced and I know what others witnessed and I had to, this had to occur in front of them. So thank you, but no thank you. I know exactly what I lived. You need to say it like that because That is a way of gaslighting, right? Of, I can understand how you could see that, but I assure you, how could you assure me when that's not what happened? I know what happened. I lived it. So in knowing that and recognizing that it's important to also advocate for that and to say it like, OK, hey, I understand what you're saying. And like, I know what I lived and that's important to be able to own. And it's important to be able to clock because people are not saying that that person's a narcissist. I just that was just a weird dynamic and they were in a weird situation. But it's one of those situations where in that example, if you applied it to a relationship, someone could tell you I can. understand why you felt this. And it's like, no, no, we're not, we're not dialecting that. No, I know what I lived. I know what I experienced and I know how you come off. And this is how you come off. And this is how I experienced it. So this is my lived experience. And it's a real thing. You're not going to gaslight me out of it. Even if that wasn't your intention, then you need to become more mindful of how your actions are being displayed and creating that awareness for that person. If they care about you, they'll be mindful of it and they'll correct it. But if they don't want to do that, then they won't. And if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, they likely won't. So when we think of the emotional exhaustion component that comes with these sorts of dynamics, I think of the example I gave you earlier about the shift in affect. So in therapy, when someone is talking to you, I mean, clearly I analyze behavior for a living, so I can pick it up. It's weird. I could even like a little eye twitch or something like that. I'm like, ooh, Now, here's the thing. I also have CPTSD. So I have a gift of extra discernment because I had to learn and adaptively learn to, to read these cues before something occurred. Right? So on the brink and on the topic of emotional exhaustion, especially when you're with a narcissist, you can almost, it's almost like you can decipher or discern when they're about to explode. And especially if you know, you're going to bring something up, that's going to make them react. So if like the example I gave you that you're bringing something up and they're talking and they're making you feel like that, they respectfully will almost look like a possessed rabid animal. And there is respectfully even a crazy eye look that they'll even sometimes display. And it is something that you're like, Oh, that's whether you're a therapist or not, you can notice like, Oh, that, that person, there's something off with them, right? That's by design. It's done to make you feel intimidated, to make you feel not that you can say something to them. And you So that you then are so scared and you're so emotionally exhausted that you're like, you know what, I'm not even going to bother. So it again continues to allow for that dynamic and relationship to play out the way that it is because you're so emotionally drained and exhausted that you're like, why bother? Why bother saying something if they're just going to react this way or if they're going to be mean to me or if they're going to scream at me? I don't feel like being screamed at. I don't feel like dealing with this. The world's on fire. I'll just, you know, I'll just let it go. But what happens? And this is something I tell a lot of you, my clients, I tell you guys, too. You start building resentment and the resentment is what starts making you sick. And you have to be mindful of that because it starts also playing into what you think your reality is. So if you're doing this reality testing, right, you start talking to your friends, but you still keep saying with this person, you're reinforcing that that cognitive dissonance and cognitive confusion that this person is designing for you. And you're respectfully by staying in the dynamic enabling, you're allowing that to now take over and make you feel like that is the way you need to think. So being very mindful of that is so important. Being able to know, am I in a relationship with someone that's a narcissist? Because if you are, you need to know that you need to step away and just take your losses where you are. If you don't have kids, if you don't have a house or if you don't have anything, just cut your losses and go. That is not someone that is going to change and is just going to keep you in this negative thought loop that's going to literally drive you crazy. And you will literally go crazy. I've seen it. It is so scary. It is one of the most heartbreaking things. You can see someone and you're like, man, that person is such a smart person. Like, what happened there? And what occurs is, is that we all have this like hope and desire that someone can change or that maybe we're even special enough to make them change. And the truth is, is that they won't. Because. again, I go back to a narcissist having to take accountability is like you actually winning the lotto. Is there a chance? Maybe, but likely not. So to wrap up emotional exhaustion, just in simple terms, you lose yourself and you lose yourself because you no longer have the ability to be yourself because you're having to mold yourself to whatever that person wants you to be. Becoming mindful of that. is often scary in these sorts of dynamics because you don't have that freedom or agency to be able to do so. And it's by design. And the narcissist does this to break you because it's easier to do stuff with you, untune you when you're confused, dejected, and not feeling like yourself. And you're at your lowest. They then can insert control over their own insecurity that they have over you. And when that happens, it's harder to come back to yourself, especially when it's the dynamic that you continue to allow. And maybe you're even afraid to say something. about. So an example that I thought of while I was prepping for today's episode was actually is what the dynamic is in the devil wears Prada. Think of Andy and how everything she does is never good enough. She's constantly having to prove herself. She has to work harder just for a breadcrumb of some sort of acknowledgement, right? So adjusting to more, the standard keeps moving. And there's just this goal that just never gets met because it's never good enough. And when the approval is inconsistent, our brain gets caught up in that thought loop. Right. And those type of dynamics, when someone is put into that, you're constantly trying to chase any sort of stability, even if it's a little bit of stability, because it's so inconsistent. So any sort of that releases that dopamine reaction and you're like, OK, I'm stable for now. And when you have that, it's the perfect storm to lose yourself and to, again, completely become evolved to somebody else's, you know, devices and what they want for you over what you want for yourself. So one of the things that people are very quick to judge you about is you staying in that sort of dynamic. And let me tell you something. I've been there. I'm not here to judge. I'm your loving big sister. And I just want you to know this sucks. I get it. And I just want to remind you, you always have agency and everything is figureoutable. You just have to know, when can I do it? What can I do? And that's what this page is for. That's what my videos are about. To help teach you different ways of thinking and to stop these negative thought loops. Because you do have agency. You do matter. You do belong. And more often than not, What I have found not only in my clients, but in my friends is that people stay in this dynamic because number one, they're afraid of what other people are going to think about them. And let me tell you something. At the end of the day, this person is not, not only the people that are thinking about you in any capacity or judging you have issues in their own life that they don't want to judge. They don't want to think about, about themselves. So really think about that. If you're afraid of someone's opinion of, of your relationship or what they're going to think of you, would you want to trade lives with this person? Number one. Number two, do they pay your bills? Number three, do they sleep with you? Number four, do they in any capacity bring happiness to you or stability to you? If all of those answers are likely no, then who cares? They're not putting any money in your bank account. They're not doing anything. Wipe your ass with their opinion, respectfully. So another reason why people tend to stay in this relationship is because of what we call intermittent validation. Right. So in the other videos that I've talked about, I've talked about intermittent reinforcement. This is a little different. So intermittent validation is just enough. Right. So it's kind of like when it's good, it's good. But when it's bad, it's bad. It's very toxic. So the intermittent validation, like the Devil Wears Prada example, was you feel so good about having that sort of appraise like praise or approval by this person. and then all of a sudden it goes away and you are seeking it. It creates that trauma bond. It creates that trauma loop that you just continuing or trying to continue rather to, to go ahead and reinforce. And when that happens, you are then stuck in a trauma loop and yeah, that's the intermittent validation. And it's by design. These narcissists, they know exactly how much to give you and they test it. every single time that you try to hold a boundary. So let's say that you're not reactive anymore to their screaming or their change in affect or how they're approaching you. Then it's like, okay, so how good do I have to be? And then it's a show because they don't necessarily want to lose the control. Remember they're insecure. So there's safety in being able to manipulate you. There's safety for them in being able to control you and how you feel and how your worldview is influenced. above everything. When I think of cognitive dissonance or a form of it, I think of where this is the same person who not only hurts you, but also soothes you, right? So it's this intermittent bond that occurs and your brain starts linking that with the relief of them and that toxicity of them. And when they're finally nice to you, when they're finally in a good mood, where you don't start asking, you really do start asking yourself rather, am I good enough? am I doing everything right? If maybe I'm a little bit more patient with them, maybe if I just, that's where the excuses, frankly, start kicking in and you start making excuses for these people that then down the line, once you're over them and you get over it, you're like, what the hell was I smoking? Would I tell that to a friend of mine? Right? Like if my friend was going through this, what would I do? And it's like, dude, after a while, you are going to not want to engage in that. Again, it's by design. So they try to make you feel crazy and they want to make you feel like if I just stay present with them and if maybe I just continue giving them a chance, all you're doing is enabling them and letting them know what limit and how far they can take you with where they're at with you versus where you're actually trying to meet them in their humanity. They're not meeting you in yours. So you need to clock it. So what does a healthy relationship feel like? Right. Because. With everything I've described, I think we can discern you're likely in an unhealthy dynamic, especially if you're in a dynamic where you suspect you're with a narcissist. So healthy relationships and dynamics are actually pretty boring because they're predictable. And even though there's predictability in the unpredictability of the person that you're with being a narcissist, that's not safe, right? Because when you're with someone that is a safe person, You know that you could tell them whatever it is that's going on. You have a secure attachment. Even if they have some sort of reaction to it, you know that it's a safe bond and that they're going to come back to you and, you know, either take accountability or model that. And that's what continues to reinforce and lay down that really strong foundation in your dynamic. Now, when you are with someone that is healthy, your concerns matter to them because they respect you above all. And I always say that to people, because if you're with someone you don't respect, number one, you shouldn't be with them. And number two, they're not going to care about what you feel. Why would they? They don't respect you. And why would you be with someone that doesn't respect you? That's also a rough and being mindful that someone that respects you cares about how they make you feel, cares about how their actions impact you. And if you can continue working, because the more and more emotionally exhausted you become. the less and less you care about your goals, your life ambitions, and stuff like that. I literally think of it like an energy vampire or like a soul sucker, right? Like this person sucks the life out of you because it gives them control. And you're giving them their life because they're insecure. So you're feeding and enabling their insecurity by not engaging in what you want to do in your life. And effectively wasting your time and wasting your energy on them. So when I think of a healthy relationship or a healthy dynamic, I'm going to use actually my husband as an example. My husband is the best. He, for real, I wouldn't be able to even be sitting in front of this camera today if it wasn't for him. He right now is with my sons and is helping hold down the fort while mommy is filming and trying to make her dreams come true. Your partner, when you are with a healthy person, is going to champion you. He's not going to want to compete with you. He's not going to see you as, oh. She can't do this because if not, she's going to leave me. No, he feels secure enough to let you chase your dreams, let you do whatever you need to do. And you don't necessarily need to launch a podcast, get in front of a camera to have someone be a healthy partner. This could be someone that champions you if you want to study something, right? Like if you want to go back to school and learn something, okay, hey, how can we balance things in the home? Like, how can I help you do this? When you have a... partner that loves you and respects you, they're not going to ever want to compete with you because you two are a team. And if you rise, he rises or she rises, whatever. And When you're with that, you know, because that person is going to champion you and you know that they're your number one fan. You know that no matter what happens, you can tell them everything and that they're going to give you the real life feedback because they care about you and they want to see you do well. And you should want to be with someone that wants to do that. Narcissists are very competitive. They feel because they stem from a place of pain. So since they're so insecure, respectfully, and they are so. they feel so inferior to everybody. You're winning and you're doing well in life is so bothersome to them because to them, it just highlights whatever they're insecure about. Instead of being like, yo, I'm so proud of my partner for being able to do this, for accomplishing this. This is so cool. They flip it and then make it a bad thing as opposed to being a good thing. And whoever you're with should champion you, period. I'm going to give you some CBT, DBT homework today. So CBT is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is very much a foundation of regular talk psychotherapy. And what we do here is that we are working on identifying what we call cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are when you have the example of being made to feel crazy, right? So now that's a distortion because it's not the reality. It's not based off of fact. So What I want you to do is that whenever you have a confusing interaction, I want you to write down, check the facts. What actually happened? What did you feel? Remember that emotions wheel I told you to look at in that other episode? I want you to pull it out and I want you to label all of the emotions that came out. And what am I telling myself right now and why? Is it based off of what I really think or is it based off of what? they think or want me to think. That caveat is very important because if you're not, if you're basing what you're thinking off of them and their emotion, that's not based off of you. So clock it. So an example of this is when they're telling you, no, you're just being too sensitive about that, but you brought up something that's an actual valid concern, right? So what did they do? They deflected. So they flipped it on you. They made you think something different because that to them was much more comfortable. than actually having to take accountability. And that's actually a perfect example as to how to check the facts. I brought up a valid concern and brought up something valid. And when they're doing that, and I always say like, they're acting like a disgruntled pelican, you let them do it. And then you either write it down or continue saying it to yourself as they're doing their whole dog and pony show. And then you say, okay. And this is when you dialect them. The DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, the two things exist. That could be your felt sense and I still said what I said. It's a valid concern and you're not taking that away from me. This is valid. It's not anything, it's not a figment of my imagination. And make sure you're standing on it because it's your lived experience and it's your truth. And that's important to clock. So now step two, I want you to check the patterns and how they engage. Remember how I brought up that sometimes you know, oh, if I bring this up, they're going to react. or they're going to act in this way. That's a pattern that you have now recognized and clocked. So I want you to be mindful of that. And I want you to keep a log. This is how you know that you're with a narcissist when you have to feel like you need to keep a log of the behaviors, interactions. I go as far as even, I love Google Docs. So I tell people, create a Google Doc form and write and share it with other people. Just in case and create a copy also in case they log into your Google Docs that with a different need. And the fact that I even have to say that to you speaks to you possibly being in a narcissistic relationship. But it's important to check the facts and it's important to check the law. Why? Because you need a date, a reference so that you can go back to it when they say something to you and be like, no, I'm noticing this pattern with you and you keep doing this with me. And I want you to know and note how often does it happen? Why? And how do you react whenever it happens? Are you shutting down? Are you screaming back? Some of these narcissists love, to see you act crazy or get, get upset or be like that. Do not, this is why I always tell you guys, don't, don't feed that. Don't give them that. They're energy vampires. Why are you going to do that? No, not today, Satan. No, no, no. Okay. You're going to stay very firm. All right. I'm hearing what you're saying. You're going to continue to let them. All right. And blah blah blah blah blah blah blah that doesn't change what we just talked about thank you for bringing up all those facts it's irrelevant respectfully And that's it. You staying like that is going to also confuse them because now you're not reacting in the same way that they're used to you reacting. And respectfully, you're actually triggering their insecurity, which is not a bad thing because you need to be able to stand up for yourself and advocate for yourself, especially if someone's trying to literally drive you crazy. Get your lick for lick, like Cardi says. So something that's important when you're working on this log is to look at it weekly, not daily, right? And what I just explained to you is actually coined as re-rocking. It's we're not giving them any sort of affect change. We're not giving them any sort of energy to let them think that what they're doing is working on you. It's a way of you getting your control back, the control that they've been very desperately, very effectively getting from you. You're getting it back. And that's part of healing and being able to walk away from a narcissistic relationship. So it's very important. This is probably the most important skill in the narcissistic dynamic, by the way, I would say. So step three is kind of a mix of step one and two, which is you're going to be assessing their affect. Remember how a few minutes ago I was talking about how like you can tell with just even like a certain eye look or a certain shift in the dynamic, or even if they're talking to you in a way to try to scare you, you need to say in the moment, is this deflection? Is this blame shifting? Are they gaslighting? I'm confrontational. So I will say it verbally out loud and I don't care. Because if you're trying to gaslight me, I'm going to tell you you're gaslighting me and it's not going to work, period. But if you're not there yet, hopefully you will get there. You're going to go ahead and you're going to just clock it and you're going to be mindful and just say it internally. All right, they're gaslighting me right now. no, I'm not engaging in this. And the reason you're doing that is because we're stopping that thought loop of, Oh my God, what did I do? Oh my God, wait, maybe I shouldn't have said something or maybe I'm wrong. No, no, this is gaslighting. This is them deflecting. This is them doing that. Say that to yourself internally. So like that, if you need to say something, all right, well, you feel how you feel. This is my lived experience, period. And why does this work? You're probably wondering, well, naming your experience and labeling it appropriately helps. reduce the emotional intensity. And what that does is allows you to get back the control that you've been giving this person. So what do you do if they try to bait you? Again, narcissists tend to be energy vampires, as I mentioned. So if they try to bait you, twist your words or escalate you, you're going to gray rock. You're going to stay very firm and you're going to say, I'm not engaging with you when you're talking to me like this, or you just don't respond. Nope, I'm not engaging in that. And when you do that, you take away their power because they're not letting you're not effectively letting them get any sort of or have any sort of control over you. You're just letting them speak and maybe just letting it go into the ether. They don't know if it's affecting you. They don't know if it's not. And that's neither your problem or relevant at this point. Because you're trying to move away and you're trying to gain control of your situation and of your own cognitive process. And that is an effective way of being able to do that. So a very popular thing, and I myself have even told you this in some of my other content, is to use I statements. But when you use I statements with a narcissist, you need to be very careful. Because they will use it to create a debate with you. and the last time I checked, unless you're an attorney and unless you're in trial, I don't think you want to debate. Debating is annoying. So, and there are just some things also respectfully that are not up for debate. So one of the things you can say is I'm not available for that. I'm not, I'm going to go ahead and step away. You know, I understand that that's your, your rendition of it. I'm going to go ahead and that doesn't work for me and just let you know that. And doing that effectively just holds that firm boundary. And you're not engaging in the over explanation because that's what they want. The second that you give them more, it's like less is more in this case, right? So the less you give them, the less they have to be able to twist your words around or to be able to manipulate you. And being mindful of that and creating that awareness is super important, especially when you're trying to step away and break away, most importantly, from this sort of dynamic and toxicity. So I'm going to leave you with this. If you feel confused, drained, or emotionally just numb at this point because of your relationship, you are likely in a narcissistic dynamic. And I want to just remind you. is your favorite loving big sister, that you have every right to be loved and respected. That's literally your right. And respectfully, these sorts of people won't ever be able to give you that. So you need to be mindful of it. You need to create awareness of it. And you need to grieve that, right? Because I think there's also that element of the potential that you saw in that person, because it wasn't always all bad. There were good times. You wouldn't have stayed in the dynamic if there weren't some sort of intermittent validation like we spoke about. But in order to do that, you need to be mindful. And if you feel like you have lost yourself in a relationship and you feel a healthy partner will help you come back to you because the road always leads back to you, right? Like the mantra, the road leads back to me. But if your partner doesn't let you kind of co-pilot that, that's not the person you want to be on that ride with you, this ride of life. So I hope that this was helpful. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments. I love engaging with you guys and I love expanding on these topics, especially with narcissistic dynamics because we don't realize how rampant they are here in society. And yeah, I love engaging with you guys and thank you so much for joining today. I'm Coral Psycho and this is The Road Leads Back To Me. Until next time.
