Speaker #0I know in my lived experience, I really struggled with was waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for that failed expectation. Like I'm waiting for you to disappoint me, disappoint me already. Are you somebody that has identified with having an anxious attachment style? And I've ever been curious to. how you can move toward having more secure attachment and relationships. I'm Coral. Welcome to The Road Leads Back to Me and today we're going to be covering that very topic. How to go from having an anxious attachment to a secure attachment in a way that is mindful to your nervous system. Let's talk about it. If you are someone that identifies as having an anxious attachment style, I'm going to tell you why. Typically people that identify as being anxious or insecure in their dynamic or relationship can feel that way. One of the ways that tends to be the key thing is that throughout your lifespan, you have had what we call emotional ruptures in dynamics. And dynamics span from your parental dynamics, your friend dynamics, romantic dynamics, and even professional dynamics. And when you have somebody that makes you feel like you're not good enough, like you don't matter, like you don't belong, like you need to almost be of service to them, submissive to them even, that you need to finance them because if not, they're going to leave or make you feel like you need to do stuff that you don't really feel comfortable with. You're likely struggling with an anxious attachment because you feel that this is a transactional type of relationship. Meaning, if I don't do this, this person's going to leave. And if you're doing that, of course you're going to feel anxious. Especially if everything you do is transactional. If I don't do this, this person's going to leave. If I don't do that, they're going to leave. But they know that they don't have to do anything on their end because you're going to continue to stay. And when that happens, we then become resentful. And tend to then become more insecure, maybe lose ourselves or try to not be in alignment with our values and who we know ourselves to be. This is the point of the relationship where we tend to lose ourselves. And you look at yourself in the mirror, you don't recognize who you are anymore. You don't want to take pictures. You'll be the one taking pictures of people but not taking pictures of yourself. Because you can't even look at yourself because you feel so insecure and so anxious all the time. People that have anxious attachment styles tend to be clingy, tend to be always needing to lie sometimes and act like everything's perfect, everything's fake. So if there's one thing we know about unhealthy dynamics is that we will tend to present or our partners will tend to present in one way in front of people and then behind closed doors are a whole different person and sometimes different animal, respectively. And when I say that, you need to remember that not all the times are bad and there have to be some good times as if not you would leave. So I have a lot of friends that have been divorced and one of the memes that they tend to share the most is one that is rooted in a lot of truth which is the reason I left the good person was because I was their PR team and you have no idea what was going on behind those doors. And what we know about people that are in unhealthy dynamics can be abusive are that they will present one way in front of you and be a different person behind the door. And there's different types of abuse. And I know we've covered that in another video. And we don't realize it until we are pretty far deep into it. But if we continue to stem from the space of. seeking reassurance and needing to be validated by this person who clearly does not care about us, we will not only be reinforcing that negative poor belief about ourselves and negative felt sense, but we will also be feeling highly emotional, more reactive, and not in alignment with who we are. So anytime I see that quote being posted, I think about the validity behind it. because we all live very curated lives on the internet and not everybody knows what's actually going on. So another way that we can become anxiously attached is if we have dealt with what we call betrayal trauma. Now, betrayal trauma is just like other traumas. It can start with friendships, parents, family members, loved ones, romantic relationships. And they can be little betrayals to big betrayals. And what tends to occur is that we will almost just... excuse behavior. No, maybe they were just having a really rough time. No, you know, they were, they, they were just really emotional that day. They were just having a really bad day. What you need to ask yourself is how many bad days is this person have in order to excuse this behavior? And until what point are we going to continue to allow that to persist? Because you're going to continue to be anxiously attached and attached to somebody that you maybe hope will change and their actions have shown you otherwise. So it's important to clock it because if you've given someone three chances and they've continued to do the same thing over and over again, all you have done is shown them how far you're willing to tolerate respectfully. And you need to really, really clock that because if you are with someone that doesn't respect you, you are going to be anxiously attached, period. So now, how do we move toward a secure attachment? First, it's getting very clear about what we want in a relationship. I know you've heard me mention this in other videos, but getting clear with yourself is actually important. You know, being mindful, like knowing what you want in life. What a concept, but do you actually know what you want? Do you know where you want to be? Do you know what actionable steps you have to take to get there? Sit for a moment and really ask yourself that. Because if you know what you want, then you know how to proceed toward the next steps. And more often than not, they require not only sitting with yourself, but possibly sitting with a therapist. Because if you've had back-to-back betrayal trauma, you are going to have a felt sense that you cannot trust. Not trusting is very hurtful because it makes you build a wall. And when you build that wall, you can't break it. Because if you do, sometimes what will occur is that you will feel desperate and want to settle out of your better judgment. And if that's the case, it's fine. We've all been there. God knows I've been there. Not my cutest moment. and not my cutest guy, respectively. However, I'm not judging myself for that. I learned from that. So take a moment to also learn what you never want to repeat again. And that's on mindfulness. What is going to be my corrective experience? How am I going to move toward the person of my dreams? Who is it that I want? What does being with them feel like for me in my nervous system? Do I need to be with someone who I need to look at their phone all the time to see if they're texting anybody? Do I need to look through Venmo transactions to see if they're getting money or they're giving money to somebody else? Respectfully. I'm the type of person that I'm very blunt. And I know sometimes it's not everybody's cup of tea. But a lot of these examples that I give you are based off of real life examples of my own lived experience and of my friends' lived experience. And they've given me permission to share. And those are real things that some of my friends have had to deal with in current date. So if you feel the need to have to look through somebody, you feel the need to have to stalk the person's ex. to befriend them and try to act like something weird, don't do that. That's awkward. If you want to then try to do something bad to that person that has nothing to do with you. If you find yourself jealous of that person, why are you jealous if they're not even together anymore? Why are you still looking up their stuff? Respectfully. That means you're insecure. I know that I joke around sometimes and I make jokes of some of the dynamics that you see online. But there's a reason why some people do post together and have collaborative Instagrams or family Instagrams. Someone likely made a comment that they weren't supposed to make and they clocked it. And once you do that, the foundation is broken in a relationship. So you need to ask yourself, what are you willing to tolerate? What are you clear on? And how do you clock things when they do occur? How do you communicate? Are you an effective communicator? Are you passive aggressive? If you're passive aggressive, you are anxious or insecure, respectfully. If you are direct and just say what it is, you won't need to be rude or disrespectful. You can convey what you have to say in a safe way and share it with this person because they're secure. They love you. They care about you. And they care most importantly about how they make you feel and how their actions make you feel. And you need to be with someone who is aware of that. And you need to also be that person for somebody else. Because the world's already hard as is. So having someone that you can have a secure attachment with not only will expand your lifetime, but will make life much more tolerable and joyful. And that's all of our birthrights. So if you've listened this far along, you are probably someone that struggles with anxious attachment. And congratulations, here's where I tell you it's not a life sentence. You can change, and you will. But it takes some work. It does. And it requires insight on your own part, on what you allow, on what you contribute to it. And one of the things I want to bring up that I know in my lived experience I really struggled with was waiting for the other shoe to drop. waiting for that failed expectation. Like I'm waiting for you to disappoint me. Disappoint me already. We're not stemming from a space of scarcity. We're not stemming from a space of lack. We're stemming from a space of knowing we are worthy of love and belonging. And I know I continue to say that, but I need to make sure that you know that. Because more often than not, we don't think that. Because if we did, we wouldn't be engaging in that sort of toxic, almost like heat-seeking missile. Let me look for the fight. You're probably accustomed to toxic dynamics. And that has been what your nervous system has become accustomed to. That doesn't mean that that needs to be like that forever. Because if you're in a secure attachment, your nervous system will regulate. Because it no longer needs to be on fight or flight. It is now predictable in a healthy way. And that's what we want, that predictability, that knowing that the person that you're with is your ride or die. Should something happen? Nope. Call my partner. No, no, no. Here's a number 305 and go ahead and do it. When you have that secure attachment with a partner, it is a homecoming that allows you to really go to the version of you. that can just achieve anything because their nervous system is regulated and they know what love is and they know that they're supported and we just need one person to believe in us and a secure attachment will lead to that so i want you to think about the words that i'm about to say because when we give our intrusive thoughts a microphone that anxious attachment style loves to show out and throw a huge concert. So first I want you to remind yourself I am safe and I trust that this person has not failed me before. I need to trust that they are they've been honest with me and they have not said anything that makes me feel alarmed if they have. Now. If you're finding yourself maybe just perseverating over, oh, the person usually texts me in this amount of time. Okay, so let's give it a time. Give yourself an hour, hour and a half, two hours, and reach back out and talk to the person. Okay, just wanting to check in and see how it's going. Once you're in a secure attachment, you're not going to need to do that. Because you know that... that person is going to be there no matter what and maybe they're just caught up in work or etc but if that intrusive thought is telling you hey something's up ask yourself as evidence by what where is this coming from and sometimes we don't know where that thought comes from it could just be a mannerism it could just be i don't know today i'm just feeling this way and ask yourself that okay but this person's been kind They've reciprocated everything. This is a me thing. All right, so what am I actually anxious about? Take a moment to be mindful with yourself because we don't do that. It's easier to blame others around us than to blame ourselves. So sometimes the intrusive thought can be triggered from something that has to do with us and nothing to do with somebody else. Maybe we're having a bad day at work and it's just easier to take it out on our partner and to be extra critical about them. So clock that because if that's just what's going on, and your partner hasn't done anything and it's not okay for you to take it out on them. And if you happen to have a human moment and do that, know that repair is imperative to make sure that the secure attachment stays solid. And that comes with accountability. Hey, I'm sorry. I, I am sorry for my actions. That was unacceptable. And I promise to never do that again. And actually follow through on that. Don't repeat the same mistake again. It's unexcusable and it's not okay. And if you find yourself also in a position where you are thinking, I don't know if I want to be with this person. It's too good to be true. I want you to ask yourself why you think that. Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that things are too good to be true? Because if you have that. you have experienced some sort of trauma down your lifeline and you need to talk about it with a specialist and a therapist, then that's just the truth of it. That comes with self-healing and that is how you can present toward a healthier dynamic and a more secure attachment. Because that's what will reinforce it, is the knowing that you can trust your partner. The knowing that you can healthily do that. So one of my favorite authors and all-time content creators is Gabrielle Bernstein. And she has many books, but one of my favorite books of hers is The Universe Has Your Back. And one of the mantras that I use, and so all my clients, first off, I always tell them to read the book. Secondly, anything of hers, she's fabulous. And I also tell them to read The Universe Has Your Back because there's a mantra in there. Universe, show me how good it could get. And when you can ask yourself that and say that and proclaim it, you are telling the universe, God, higher power, whatever you believe in, show me how good it could get. Why? What are you on a psycho, neuro, neurological level telling yourself? I'm worthy of love and belonging. I am worthy of having a happy life. I'm worthy of having the things I want. And I'm worthy of having a stable nervous system above everything and having a secure attachment. Show me how good it could get. What is for you is never going to miss you. Every rejection is a redirection. And sometimes you just need to hear that again to know that the road always leads back to you. Think of it. I'm going to close out with this metaphor. Think of it as that choice that we always talk about. You can make a left. you can make a right. The road's always going to lead back to you, but just one way is going to be a little crazy and very scary to drive through. And the other way is going to be a little easier because it's going to be easier and healthier to your nervous system and to your own mental health. And that's very important in a dynamic. Thank you so much for joining. I hope this episode was helpful. If you have any questions and any stories around that, let me know in the comments. Make sure to follow me on all social media platforms. At the road beats back to me. I'm Coral and I'll see you next time.
