Speaker #0Hello, creative cutie. Welcome to Unleash Your Inner Creative. I'm Lauren LaGrasso. I am your host and I am your friend. And today I'm doing my episode a little bit differently than I normally would. You're going to get a look inside my creative diary. It might be a little haywire. I'm just speaking off the cuff. I'm doing something today. I never recommend to any of my podcast coaching clients or hosts that I produce just speaking with no plan, because every time I went to make a plan, it... It didn't work. Maybe that's a metaphor. Also, I do want to note early on, because I'm hearing the echo, I'm recording this from my bed in my bedroom, which doesn't have the best acoustics, but I know you'll forgive me because we're just in this together and it's like you're right here with me and we're sitting and having a conversation. And I'm actually not even recording video because I wanted this to feel more intimate and like old school podcasting. I'm kind of mourning the days of old school podcasting. You know, you may have been listening for a while. I'm not sure. But I've been at this since February 2019. So over six years now, and when I started out, there were really very few, if any video podcasts. And I missed the days when that was not expected. And I know I have to get with the times. And I actually have been putting out video episodes. We have a YouTube page, if you don't know, go check it out. the last four or five shows I've done, they have all been with a video component as well. So you can watch it if you prefer to watch it, except for this episode. You can't watch this one. But there's something sad about losing the art form of audio first storytelling. And the reason why I fell in love with it is because it made me feel less alone. And I think that today's episode is actually going to be... a lot about creative grief. I'm going through a period of immense creative grief. And unfortunately, I can't be super specific because there's a lot of moving parts to why this grief is occurring, but I can talk about it generally. Yeah, I think that that is one thing I am grieving a bit in my creativity and creative process. I don't know how much I've shared on this podcast how I came to fall in love with audio. But we have to rewind in order to tell that story all the way back to 2012. I believe it was 2012. If not, it was like early, early 2013. And I had just moved to LA within the last year. And I was driving to all these music gigs and listening to the radio. I had Sirius XM in my car like most people who have a Ford, which shout out to like everyone for Michigan. We mostly drive Michigan or American-made cars. And I had a Ford. Automatically, there was SiriusXM in it. And then I just always kind of kept the subscription going because it just was great. It started out with me loving the really curated radio stations. And then it moved on to falling in love with this talk radio station. And one day, I happened upon this talk radio station called Cosmo Radio. And this guy was talking on it. And he was talking about... all these things from Michigan. And at that time, I was extremely homesick. And so what I would do was I would drive down the freeway and listen to this radio show. Since he was talking about all these local Detroit things, even though this was a nationwide radio show, I would just pretend like I was back home in Detroit driving down 696. And it was really during that time that I realized audio's healing power to make somebody feel less alone, that when you do it really well, The listener feels not just like they're listening to a program that they love, but like they're another co-host in the room or a guest in the room. When somebody is really talented at this art form, that's what they have the capability of doing. And it was a time when I was really homesick. I was really depressed. I was struggling with anxiety. And that show was like a balm to my soul. And I also discovered so many other amazing shows. There's still a woman that to this day I listen to. Her name's Taylor Strecker. She has a show called Pace of Taylor. She's one of the people that I credit with really making me further fall in love with the medium and see that I as a woman could be an on-air host. Because at that time, you have to understand, there weren't a ton of female-led shows. Radio was really a male-dominated industry. And so it was kind of like, if you see it, you can be it. And I just fell in love with talk radio, and I started listening hours a day. And so, yes, I had a background in radio in college, like I DJed on the local station. But as far as talk radio and podcasting, which is what it turned into after that, I really got into it because I was a fan. And I just started saying, I'm going to work at Sirius XM someday. I'm going to work at Sirius XM someday. And long story short, lo and behold, I got that opportunity. And I did. I got to produce and be on air with Maria Menounos on her Sirius XM show, first as an associate producer. Then I moved up to producer. And only after that did I move into podcasting. But my love for audio... started from such a pure place in the most pure form of the medium, which was radio, and then moved into podcasting. So this shift in the industry from audio first, which I find to be the most creative medium because it's you, you listening and me co-creating. You're picturing my bedroom. You're picturing, oh, I wonder like what she's wearing. By the way, I have my hair in a scrunchie, a little pink scrunchie, and I'm in my pajamas, no makeup on, all natural. But you know, you're co-creating what you're filling in all the blanks. Like, you don't know what I'm doing with my hands. I'm speaking like an Italian talking with my hands right now. You're co-creating with me. You're filling in all the blanks. You're wondering what my facial expressions might be. There's so much that you fill in with the theater of the mind when you're just listening. And all of that is taken away when you watch a video. And don't get me wrong. Again, I'm not somebody who's like, it should be like it was in the olden days. I understand. that podcasting is moving in a video first direction. And I do think something is lost by losing this audio first medium. I think intimacy is lost. I think creativity is lost. I think great producing and hosting talents are going to be diminished because their particular talent, the talent that they have most on lock. is not valued as much as it used to be. So I'm grieving just this change of the industry. And I'm also seeing like a big change in the industry in general. It's shrinking while, you know, the big, big shows continue to grow. I feel like opportunities for indie people are shrinking. And yeah, so that's like one area of grief in my life. But there's also just like this other thing that's like a long term project that. is going to be coming to an end. And parts of it were in my control, parts of it weren't. There's just so much wrapped up in it. I feel unbound. I feel like our culture doesn't talk about grief in and of itself enough, but certainly there isn't enough talk about grief as it pertains to creativity and projects. Anything really that is outside of the realm of actually losing a person to death. Like we don't talk about these more complex and nuanced forms of grief. And therefore, they're really difficult to talk about with others because we don't have language for it. And we can't really explain how we're feeling or why we're feeling the way we're feeling because there's not enough terminology. Maybe we can invent one together. but I don't know, as I've been going through this, even though I'm feeling so many different things, I'm kind of feeling like I also have nothing to say. And that's why I wanted to come on here today and just speak from the heart and see what came out. Because I actually maybe don't even know what I'm feeling in this moment. I feel all over the freaking place. I feel grief, like I said. I feel confusion. I feel excitement at possibility of what this new space could open. I feel joy. I feel everything. And it's just, it's a wild time. This year, what it has shown me, and I'm sure it's the same for you because it's happening to me on a micro level and certainly it's happening on a macro level in the world with the amount of chaos that we're seeing. But what I have found is that just when you think like, okay, I got past that. another thing comes up. And I guess that's the year of the snake. I did take Mitra, who you've heard on the show many times, dear friend of mine, who is an expert in Chinese astrology. I did take her class on year and the snake. I'm going to have to look back on it and maybe I'll even like go look at my notes while I'm talking with you. But I remember her saying this year is very chaotic. And I don't know. I don't know about you. Maybe she's the optimist of me but every time someone's like oh this is gonna happen this year like this like difficult thing I'm always like yeah but it won't affect me Or like, I think it won't be as bad or like maybe it will be like the best iteration of it. And you know what I have to say, in some ways it has been. There has been so much chaos to my year, starting it out with the L.A. fires, moving into the political atmosphere of this country and the horrible wars going on in the world. And then my dad got sick. And just like wedding planning has been beautiful, but it's also been a lot. just doubling down on my speaking career, which has been amazing and so many exciting things coming down the pipeline. I cannot wait to share them with you. And then this thing I'm dealing with that I can't, I'm being pretty vague about, which I will tell you about at some point, but it's just wild to me. Like you think you're getting your footing and then there's another thing and then there's another thing and then there's another thing. And I'm so curious, and please write me if you've found this in your own life, but has that been the level of chaos for you this year too, where you feel like you're getting your footing and then another thing happens. And I have to say, even with everything I've gone through, and I truly feel like every single month there's been like a new challenge to rise to, even with everything I've been through, I can't say it's been a bad year. Because after the challenge, I have been able to find some meaning, been able to find some healing, been able to move myself forward. in a self-development way or with my career or in my relationship, whatever it is, there has always been like a beauty to the pain. I just find that in my life in general. I do know in human design, which if you're unaware, it's just like another method of understanding yourself. I'd say it's like astrology meets like a personality test meets how your energy is supposed to exist in the world. But anyway, in human design, I do have this Something about like you always have to find meaning in your suffering. And that is just my life. That's how I cope. But it's truly what I believe. I do believe in taking difficult situations and then finding the meaning from them. Like I don't like suffering for no reason. And I don't believe we do. In my form of spirituality, I believe we come to this earth to learn. And so no suffering that I have gone through on this earth to this date has ever been meaningless. there has always been some sort of meaning I've been able to find from it. Even if I wish to God I hadn't had to go through the situation. And believe me, there are things that I've gone through that I would never, ever wish on any other human being. And still, through every single thing, I've found the meaning. And I've definitely found that this year, like as much difficulty and as much as there has been a lot of shocking things that have happened. You know, I don't know if I've gone into it, but when my dad got sick. He had bleeding between the brain and the skull back in March. This happened, we found out, on March 17th. We found out that he was getting rushed to the emergency room and then an hour later that he was going to get surgery at 8 in the morning and then three hours later, Timmy and I were on the plane on the way home to Michigan to be there for his first surgery. And that week he had two surgeries. And there was, like, we didn't know in the beginning. It was a very serious situation. So there was fear, like, what if he doesn't make it? You know, and so it's like that quick, that shocking. And then a week later, he was home and healing, you know. So it was like the lowest of lows and then the highest of highs with him being okay. And then two months after that, getting a complete, clear recovery. I literally every day prayed this prayer to Jesus, the Sacred Heart of Jesus prayer, which, by the way, If you are of the Christian or Catholic faith and you are a believer, this is a beautiful prayer. But even if you just think Jesus is cool and like a spiritual person you like to call on sometimes, because I do have friends who are just like strictly spiritual, but really dig Jesus's teachings. I highly, highly recommend this prayer. It has literally never failed me. It's the sacred heart of Jesus prayer. And so every day I would say this prayer for two months. And just ask Jesus for a complete and total healing of my dad to have no more. His brain, there was so much blood between his skull and his brain that was literally getting pushed. His brain was getting pushed from one side of the head to the other. So I would pray that his brain went back to the proper place, that all bleeding was gone, and that he would make a full and complete recovery. And I kid you not, when we went into the neurologist for his two-month checkup, they said exactly that. His brain is back in the proper place. There's no more bleeding. He's completely recovered and can resume normal life. So anyway, yes, it was like the darkest of times. And then I found this like. my renewed faith and belief in God and gratitude for life and for my parents. And yeah, like it just it brought so many revelations about what really matters. When I went through that, I didn't really care about literally anything else. Like my family, Timmy, like my best friends, that's what matters to me. The truth is, if you don't have those things, you had nothing. So yes, it was the lowest of lows with finding out he was sick. And then it was the highest of highs when he had a full recovery. And I also had this spiritual awakening through him going through that sickness. And really, for me, like developing this new, deeper level in closeness to God and faith in God. But again, it's been a very chaotic year. OK, creatives, I'm looking at my year of the snake notes from Mitra's workshop. Listen to this. OK, 2025 has major clash. unpredictable change all of a sudden. Yeah, I would say that has been the case for me. Is it the case for you? Holy cow. The challenge helps you progress. There will be challenges for you. The challenge helps you progress. It's literally what I've been saying. It's so cool. Y'all, go back to your journal entries. Look at something that you wrote down earlier this year, and then just see how it's come to be. I mean, for this, it was a class on what the year is going to be like, but I haven't been. thinking about it the whole time. Like I took the notes and then just kind of went about my days. This is wild to look at because everything that she said is true. So 2025 has major clash, unpredictable change all of a sudden. There'll be challenges for you. The challenge helps you progress. So other things that she said, just so we can have our wits about us for the rest of this year, I think I want to be consulting these notes from now on. Okay. Snakes are patient. Snakes work hard and never complain. So this is like the energy of the year. The year of the snake is the protector. The snake is serious. It's also the year of relocation and energy of the year is transformation. Sudden job changes, that tracks. Things in hiding. It's a year of extremes. Stay positive to make the powerful year good for us. So I think that that's true. Like looking at the... things, if you've been having a year similar to me where it's like a lot of chaos and wild energy and sudden change, finding the meaning in it and finding the beauty in it and the positivity in it, it doesn't mean you have to negate the pain. Like I am telling you, there's been a lot of pain and a lot of suffering this year. And I still don't think it's been a bad year because I don't know, I don't really believe in qualifying things as good or bad anymore, unless it's just all bad. And I can't say that that's been the case for me. There's been a lot of joy this year with planning my wedding and just like with planning my wedding and getting to do public speaking and the children's show I was working on finally released. I have to share it with you. I'm going to put it in the show notes. It's called Coach Dad. It's darling. You're going to finally get to hear some of my children's music and it is just my favorite thing. So a lot of good things have happened. There's been meaning in all the pain, but it's also been wild. So you can feel the pain and also see the meaning in it and what could be good in it. I don't know. I also do feel this opening, like as this one chapter looks like it's closing, another and many others are starting to open up. And it is amazing. As soon as you make space in your life, how... the universe hears you, especially if you've been specific about the kind of doors that you want to walk through. Another thing in moving through this grief is really making sure in the next phase of my life that I am not just repeating the same patterns in my creativity, in my business, in my life that made me unhappy. in other situations. So I think it's interesting when you do like leave something behind, the universe will test you and say, hey, are you sure you're done with that? Like it makes sure that you really don't want the things you've been saying you don't want. And anyway, it's hard because I'm talking in riddles because I can't be specific. But basically, like don't leave something behind just to make a similar choice in the next phase of your life because you're going to run into the same issues again. Another thing I've been contemplating, which I'm kind of even afraid to say, because in six and a half years, I've never done it. for more than a week. But with the wedding coming up, I'm getting married on August 29th. I have been contemplating potentially taking a little time off the podcast. Now, I don't know how much or if I even want to do it. So don't hold me to it. I'm definitely going to be airing an episode next week for sure. But I have been contemplating possibly taking some time off in July and maybe even in August. Just so I can like revamp things and have a little space. And I've never had a season two, like thinking about what it could be like to come back with a season two and what I would want to do differently. And could I get more intentional about the show and make it more fun for myself and more enriching for you? So I have been thinking about that. And I'm really scared to take a break. Like Like this is the most committed to anything I've ever been committed to in my life that like I wasn't required to do. Like to something that wasn't my job or that I didn't commit to another person to do. It truly has been my creative baby. And it feels like, I don't know, I have this weird fear if I take a week off of the podcast or if I take a couple of weeks off, will everything just go away? Will you just stop listening and never come back? Will it be hard to start up again? You know, it's almost like a compulsion. Like I feel like if I don't put this podcast out at 1 a.m. Pacific time on Wednesday, I don't know what's going to happen to me. But at the same time, I think that's setting a really, first of all, I don't want to be led by fear. And second of all, it's setting a really bad example for my listeners. If I'm telling you don't make decisions based on fear and I am continuing to do. a weekly podcast with absolutely no breaks because I'm so afraid of what will happen if I don't do it. That's not inspired and that's not a creative place to live from. And because I don't have a production company I work with and I'm indie, I can take the break and I can come back refreshed and with brand new ideas and with this raring desire to create again. But instead, I'm choosing to burn myself out. And it's not all that I'm scared. It's like I genuinely enjoy this. and it's cathartic. I mean, especially this episode is cathartic and it is my art and it has been my constant companion and it's gone with me through every facet of life through when I was just a baby creative and I hadn't even released my first song yet all the way through breakups, through the pandemic, through falling in love with Timmy, interviews with my parents and through all the shows I've produced. It's been with me. every step of the way. And I think I'm afraid if I like don't do it for two months, like who even am I? Like this podcast is such a part of my identity that if I even stepped away for like a couple weeks, I'm like, who am I? But just the fact that I'm saying that makes me think maybe I should. Because we're not what we do, even when what we do is an extension of who we are, it's still not who we are. And honestly, in order for me to do this job well, I have to be able to be energized around it. And I do think it's time for a bit of a refresh for the show. I don't know exactly what that means. Maybe it just means like I go away and like rest my brain a little bit and cultivate new ideas. Think of like really fresh original guests. I mean, I do have some really great guests in the pipeline that I'm excited to share with you and I would still be recording with them. But yeah, I just think there's some sort of energy that wants to shift here. And my gut says my fear is holding me back from allowing myself to see what that could be, to zoom out enough to see what's really going on and like, how could I make the show better both for me and for you? And for the world, because what I really want to do with this show is help people claim their creativity so that they can be their full selves out in the world and therefore make the world a better place with their authentic voice and work. So it's like, I don't know, I feel like I do need a few weeks at least to reflect, but there is that fear there. So I'll keep you updated on where I land. I might end up coming back again. You know, I mean, I'm definitely back next week because I have. an interview that I need to air, but I'm deeply considering taking off at least part of July and I'll keep you updated. Maybe you can let me know what you think I should do. Because I'm scared. Part of it is I'm afraid you guys won't come back. Will you forget about me? This is why I think creativity and self-development are so freaking intertwined. It's literally touching on my self-worth issues. If I go away, will anybody remember me? And of course, the answer is yes. We've been building this relationship for six years. But it's just scary. Like, especially I think the entertainment industry makes you feel like you're only as good as the last thing you've done. The show may have won more awards than any other indie podcast in the world, but if I don't show up week after week, who even am I? And then like also I'm breaking my streak, right? Like I have this six-year track record with the exception of one week. I think I took off Christmas week like in 2022 or something, maybe 2021. I don't remember. But other than that, I have aired an episode every single week for six and a half years. And that's cool. But But also it doesn't make me a bad . person or a bad host or a bad producer, a bad creative to take a break. Like I'm always saying rest is part of the creative process, but that includes rest from this show. So anyway, I'm basically creative coaching myself right now. If I were my client, I would tell my client to take at least a two week break, but I never said I was a good client. So It's a lot easier to give advice than take it sometimes. It's always harder to see yourself. I'm leaning toward taking my own advice. What do you think I should do? Let me know in the comments. Actually, Spotify does have comments. So if you can comment on this, that would really help out because it makes Spotify think that you care about the episode and boosts my algorithm. So yeah, I don't know. And then I'm also excited at the prospect of like, okay. If I do take this away, kind of like what I'm seeing in this other area of my life that I'm being intentionally vague about where like this long-term project is going to be going away. As soon as that was decided, all these other opportunities started coming in, like potential speaking gigs. And I got a new creative coaching client. Like all these things started falling into my lap because I think that the universe finally heard, okay, there's a clearing. Great. We're going to send her what she's been saying she wants. And I'm excited about the idea that if I took a couple weeks away from the podcast to like regroup, rebrand, think about how I can be more intentional with the show and what I'm bringing to it. I love the idea that I could start putting more time into social media, starting the sub stack that I've been saying I want to do for literal years, doing more music stuff. Like one thing I'm very clear on is after my wedding, because it's hard to get your brain in the place where you can like do all of these things at once. producing, coaching, doing the podcast, planning the wedding. I have known that I don't have the bandwidth in this moment to release music and do a bunch of shows on top of that. But one thing I'm feeling very jazzed on is in the fall, I'm going to start releasing music again, doing shows. I'm even getting into the idea of being a cantor in Catholic church. I don't know if you've heard, but check out my Instagram page. I sing a... great version of Ave Maria. And I love singing Catholic songs. That's one of my favorite parts of the religion that I was raised in is the music. It's just so spiritual and it really makes me feel connected to God. And I would love to start being a cantor for Catholic funerals and weddings. And it would be an honor to sing for somebody's most important day or one of the hardest days of their lives and have my voice be of comfort to them. So there's so many ways I want to reintegrate music into my life. And I know I need a little bit of space to do that. So yeah, all of these things are on my mind. You're getting my very raw stream of consciousness. The other thing that's really been on my mind is just something that I don't even think is outside of creativity because I kind of think everything in life is creativity, but is how grateful I am for Tim. Tim is my fiance, if you don't know. But being with him this year has been such an important foundation. And through all the hard moments, through all the beautiful moments, it was so much better with him by my side. I just wish for everybody that they can find a partner that supports them and that is that stability for them. And it doesn't mean it's perfect all the time, of course. Like we're humans. That's the bummer of it and the beauty of it. But having somebody like especially... as I've been going through this creative grief that can hold it with me and make me not feel crazy and make me feel less alone has been powerful and a balm to my soul and just reaffirmation that I'm really choosing the right life partner and I'm excited to get married. And yeah, I don't know. Those are all my thoughts from the heart. and from the brain, and from the body and the spirit. It came from all parts of me. And if you're feeling some level of grief, whether it's creative, in a relationship, with someone who's literally passed, my heart is with you. If you're feeling how tumultuous this year is, my heart is with you. If you're hopeful, my heart is with you. I'm feeling all those things. I'm feeling really hopeful and excited and grief-stricken. and overwhelmed by the chaos. And I think if you're a deeply feeling person, if you're a creative person, if you've been alive and aware and awake this year, both on a micro and a macro level, it has been one thing after another. And I hope that you're able to find the meeting and the beauty, even in the pain. It's what I call angsty optimism. It's acknowledging the truth of the difficulty of life. while also seeing the beauty and the possibility for what could be. So may we all be angsty optimists. May we move through our grief with truth and with having a lot of grace for ourselves and compassion. And may we create. I'm really excited. I actually might read you to end. I might read you this journal entry I wrote recently. I don't actually even know what it says, but I literally wrote a letter to my artist because I feel like, I don't know, I've been kind of like going through the motions lately. And through this creative grief, I did feel weirdly that my inner artist is coming back online and coming back alive. And I kind of wrote this poem in my journal when I did my morning pages on Saturday. So... I'm going to read some of that to you in case you relate. The artist is coming back online. The artist is coming back alive, hesitant and excited, all intertwined. The artist is coming back to life. She's wept and she screamed for 10 whole years, watching you get dragged by your fears, living in glimpses and near misses. She always hoped and dreamed you'd come back. You'd see her. And now that day is here. She's singing an angelic operatic. She's running into your arms and enchanting your body and soul. The artist is back and she's ready to go. Anything is possible. Can you really stay in that? Not get wrapped up with people who don't belong? Sing your artist's song. Just sing all the songs. Can you do that for us? Don't get scared. Breathe deep. You're prepared. Take a sip of coffee. Let it rush through your veins. Now is the time to release all pain. Release all tension. The bad guy's gone. Now it's time to sing your song. The artist is back and she's not leaving. The artist is back. No more grieving. Put on your color. Come into the sun. The artist is back. It's time for fun. So even with the grief. I do feel that opening and I do feel my inner artist coming back to life and getting ready to sing. Yeah, if you're going through this, I highly recommend the morning pages. I didn't even remember that I wrote that. Like I remembered I wrote it, but I didn't remember all of the intricacies of it. So anyway, may your artist come back to life and back online if they've been hidden or buried or sleeping. unleash your inner creative, unleash your inner artist. We all have one or two or three or infinite ones. That's what I believe. Infinite ones within us. I love you so much. Thank you so much for listening today. If you like what you heard, please rate, review, and follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple, wherever you get your podcasts. Share the show with a friend. Podcasts really are spread person to person. The greatest influencers in our lives are our friends and family. So share it with a friend. Post about it on social media. If you tag me, I will repost to share my gratitude. I love you so much and I believe in you. And I will definitely talk with you next week. I'll keep you updated on whether or not I'm taking a break too. All right. Bye, babes.
