Speaker #0Welcome to It's Both, the podcast where we explore the messy, beautiful contradictions of being human. I'm your host, Nikki P, and each week I sit down with real people navigating life's complexities, those moments when life isn't just one thing, it's so many. This week, I'm actually not sitting down with any guests. I'm going to be talking to you solo about the things in my life. that I'm experiencing tension around, the bothness of my life. So those moments where I am thinking, I'm feeling, and I'm experiencing so many conflicting things at once. In the episode, I talk about the struggle to be intentional in my daily life and how almost this pursuit for self-help and self-improvement can sometimes be overwhelming, exhausting, and even about the tension around being stuck in that. phase of awareness of areas that we all need to improve. I also talk a lot about my own personal experience in the many things that we are juggling in our personal lives. And I hope that even if you are in a different situation than I am, that you can understand the heart of what I'm saying and how it applies to you, how that shows up for you in your life and the many, many things that you are juggling or dealing with or experiencing and battling within your own life. So let's jump in. Welcome to another episode of It's Both. I am so excited to have you here with me today. And just thank you for listening. You know, whatever you're doing right now, whether you're taking a walk, whether you're driving to work, driving to the grocery store, doing dishes, doing things around your house, I just appreciate you being here and spending time with me and trying to figure out how to, you know, navigate all of these things in life that create tension and overwhelm. and anxiety and frustration because there are multiple things swirling around in our heads. And if you are like me, it can be so easy to want to put everything into a box, to give everything a very distinct name, to have then a very distinct plan for how to fix XYZ, right? If I know exactly what I'm feeling, if I know that it's good or I know that it's bad, then I know what I can do to fix it. Give me the roadmap. I think where I get stuck so much of my life is that's not life. There isn't really a roadmap for almost anything. And even if there is, that roadmap can look very different for each of us, depending on what we're going through in our life, what we're experiencing, our own personalities, our own stories, our own strengths and weaknesses, all of those things come into play. And, you know, for me, it feels like there's always 100 things swirling in my head. And I was talking about this to a friend the other day. It's so hard to live an intentional life. It feels like, at least. The simplicity of that doesn't seem to exist for me. And what I mean by that is, if we want to be intentional, which I feel like the awareness of being a better person each day, the awareness of being intentional in our lives, the amount of capacity and energy it takes to do those things is significant. especially if They're all areas in which you need to grow, right? So for example, if this is my very real example and why I feel so overwhelmed so much of the time, I want to be intentional and I want to be a better parent, which is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's exhausting. It's draining. I mean, to be present for your kids and to teach them when you are feeling overwhelmed and all the, all the things, all the emotions at once, and then to show up and help walk them through and calm them down. And then you multiply that times three because I have three kids and they're all five and under. I mean, they have no emotional regulation. It's exhausting. Then you add on top of that that they're waking me up and at least one of them is waking me up two to three times a night because she's scared and needs to go to the bathroom and all these things. And, you know, that's just one facet of my life. But the amount of time I have to dedicate to learning, researching, reading, practicing. Like, what does it mean to be a better parent? And then doing that with my kids and then reminding me in the moment when literally all three of them are screaming at me and two of them are hitting each other and I have to remember how to gentle parent in that moment. Like, are you kidding me? That in itself is exhausting and hard, yet it's so worth it. And I know that I want to be an intentional parent and to be a better parent every single day. That just in itself is so much. Then you take in. the fact that I have a marriage. And in order to make any deep relationship, any relationship at all, but especially those that are deep and intimate work, the time, the dedication, the intention behind. caring and loving for another person, for having fun with them, for connecting with them. I mean, gosh, simply having the time and the space and the mental capacity to just sit down and talk about something other than logistics is huge, right? And I think especially if you are a parent with young kids, like it does tend to come, I don't want to say last, it's not last, but you have to make this concerted effort. to prioritize it and to make time for it. Then you take that. And that's another thing that is a lot of intention behind it to make any relationship work. I'm also a working woman, so I work full time. And, you know, historically with my job, I, well, I am still, I'm still in a leadership position. You know, I've managed multiple staff. I helped to oversee and support an initiative of work, which includes a significant amount of partners. which is a significant amount of relationships. And to be good in that space, that's intention, that's time, that's effort, that's capacity. Then you take friendships. Oh my gosh, we're not even to friendships yet, right? We're not even to family members, especially tricky family member relationships. And then what about when those family members, like how that conflicts with my other family members or in-laws or cousins, right? So that's another layer. And then you add in Oh yeah, you need to be physically healthy because you want to live long to enjoy your life. You want to live long to then enjoy the relationships that you've spent all this time cultivating, right? So you have to exercise. You have to move your body. You have to do these things that are good for your health, not only so that you live long, but also that you feel good and that you have the energy to do all these things that you want to do. Then you also have mental health. So what are you doing for you? What does self-care look like? Are you taking time for yourself? Are you going to therapy? Well, that's time and effort and money. And then are you practicing what you're learning in therapy? Are you remembering it? Are you putting it in the forefront of your mind? Then you've got food and how you nourish your body, let alone your entire family, right? You hear all these things about like what it is to be healthy and the nutrients that your body needs, but you also don't have the time. So how do you do all these things with no time. And then you add in all these other things and I'll be done soon with this, I promise. But I think I'm just wanting to illustrate something that I think we're all feeling. And the hundreds of things that are pulling our attention that are important, they're meaningful, and they're not like social media. I'm not talking about the things that pull our attention like social media, which I'll get to in a second because that's another layer. But these are the core of who we are. And if we are wanting to live an intentional life or wanting to live a better life, At least for me, what I'm struggling, the both of what I'm struggling with right now is the overwhelm of how do you do all of that and do it well? And I know logically what you might, you know, go to a therapist and you might talk to somebody and it's like, well, you can't give 100 to 10 things. You have to choose where your intention and your efforts go. And that's absolutely true. But it's so hard in the moment day to day. How do you choose in that day? Like. okay, is today in this moment, am I putting my all into my kids? Am I putting my all into myself to take care of myself? Am I putting my all into my relationship with my spouse? Am I putting my all into work because I have a really important work meeting? And it's all of that. You do have to continuously bounce back and forth between all of these priorities. And I know what I'm talking about here is just life. I'm very aware of that. The older I get and the more aware I become, it's like awareness is a double-edged sword sometimes, right? Like I become aware of the ways that I want to be better and need to be better. And then it becomes the lens through which you see everything, which isn't a bad thing, right? Like I want to improve myself. I want to be a better human simply because I think that that's good and important. And it's not that I feel that I am bad. I just want to be better. And yet the awareness of that feels exhausting and overwhelming because it feels some days insurmountable to do all the things you want to do well. And I don't even mean perfect. I'm not talking about perfection here. I'm just talking about well, showing up authentically. It's hard. And after all the things I've mentioned, I haven't even talked about what about your home? Are you keeping your home clean? No, I am not. I will just say straight up, I am not keeping my home clean. It is by far one of the first things that goes. Cooking, I just don't have the capacity to cook. It's not a skill that comes. easy for me. I like to bake. I don't really like to cook. And even baking, it's like, I only enjoy it if I have a lot of free time to where I'm not stressed because I get really stressed and I get really anxious because it's a skill that I have not developed, right? And it still feels somewhat new. So can I cook if I have a recipe? Yes. And it always turns out well, 90% of the time. But the time and the effort it takes to do that is more draining than other things because again, it's not something that I have built the muscle for. But we're talking in addition to all those things, right? Like keeping your house clean. What about organized? What about all the things it takes to like maintain, you know, a budget, your bills? Like where's your money going? Okay, if we divert it here, are you going to have more money here? And then you're spending like this insane amount on childcare. There's just a lot. There's constant fights for our capacity and attention. And then you add in. anything that you kind of want to do just for fun, right? Like back to that self-care piece or any sort of media reading or watching TV or social media and scrolling and anything you do online and the amount of time that takes. And I think that that has become, as we know, and people talk about this a lot, there's a lot of research behind it, but that has become an escape, I think. And it is a somewhat, you know, quote, mindless activity. that we can do that feels like an escape from all the other things. And I was listening to a podcast the other day where they were talking about your brain will, it has to make, you know, I can't remember how many decisions they said. The research says you make like, it's something crazy, like thousands, 30,000. I don't know. It's some crazy number. That's the amount of decisions that you make every day. Somebody fact check me. I'm very aware that I don't know the exact number. I just remember it was a lot. And it was in the thousands. But you make these significant amount of decisions every day. And so our brain is continually looking for something that is familiar and that is, quote, easy. And every time you make a decision, you burn calories. Like that's another piece of that research. You burn all these calories and it's exhausting. So when you talk about, you know, a lot of us here have probably heard, especially if you're a woman listening, this idea of the mental load. And I think that's a great example of the science behind the mental load. Like you are actually burning the most, your brain burns the most calories. Making decisions, thinking through difficult things, it causes you to feel tired. And so when you have, you know, 15 areas and probably more, but 15 just easy that I could name off the top of my head, areas that are competing for your attention, for prioritization. for awareness and especially then if all those 15 areas are competing for it and you care about them so there's an emotional aspect tied into that the weight of that is just tied in you can't get away from it it's so much it's heavy it's exhausting and i'm not saying it's bad again it's one of those situations where it's both right like it's not a bad thing it's good things but gosh they are hard. And I myself have not found a system, I have not found a way to realistically give attention to all of the areas that matter and not be so drained at the end of it. Do you know what I mean? And I don't want to give up trying in an area. I don't think that's the solution. And I also don't think it could be as formulaic as saying, okay, well, X amount of hours a day, I'm going to focus on this. And then two hours a day, I'm going to focus on my relationship. And then there's one hour where I'm going to focus on me. It's just, I don't think it's that easy, especially if your life, like most people, is comprised of a series of relationships, which include other people, which you have zero control over. I mean, so much of this, we have no control over because it involves others. We can only control ourselves in those moments. So I'm really in a space where I am very aware of those things, which is good. I'm glad for the awareness and also exhausted because honestly, there are days where I'm like, you know what? I just don't, I wish I wasn't aware because then I wouldn't have the weight of the contemplation and the space that that takes up in my mind, my body, my brain, and my emotions, you know? And I don't know, I think, I guess I'm wondering, like, do you experience this yourself? And if so, how does that show up for you? How does it show up for you? And are there ways that each of you listening have found to navigate that. And if so, please let me know. I definitely, I think a lot of what I would like this podcast to be is iterative. And what I mean by that is I want it to be a continual sharing and learning where we get to share with each other, learn from each other, and then create and try something slightly different based on what we've learned, and then try it out, and then share. and then learn and then try. And it just, it's cyclical, right? Like that's how we move through life is we try something, we learn from it. Hopefully we're sharing with others and learning from their experiences. And then you tweak something that you're doing and then you try again and then you keep going. And I want this to be a space where we can do that with each other. So yes, I am completely serious. If you know what I mean. and you have found a way to navigate that even a little bit better or any small ways that you have found in your life that help with that, I would love to know. Because I'm right in the middle of it trying to figure it out. And I just, yeah, I feel a little stuck in the awareness of it. On top of that, it's funny. I think I've said I have three kids, five, three, and one. And the The older two are girls and the youngest is a boy. Um, and outside of all this, like what has taken so much time and effort and attention in the last month or so is the insane amount of sicknesses that we have had in our family. It is stupid. I had the flu, which like knocked me out for a week. One of my kids is always sick. I've kind of stopped. I don't want to say caring because that's definitely not true. I just, I stopped. assuming they're going to be not sick at any point. I mean, maybe we get five days to a week in there. So it's been a lot. And on top of that, we had our first experience with lice, which, oh my God, do I get PTSD even just saying that? I've had so many treatments, especially from getting it from family members. It's probably the most that I've gotten it. So lice has definitely been throughout my life and I still to this day like I think about it all the time anytime my head itches it's itching right now as i'm talking about it and i'm so sorry if all of you are itching your head now because Anytime I hear lice that's what happens But I will just never forget me and my kid walking around the house with target bags in our head because I was so scared So on top of all of that On top of me trying to balance how to be intentional and you know, all these ways in my life, you know on top of the ridiculous experiences of things like lice that pop up that you are not expecting or prepared for or wanting to deal with that then take over your life for a couple weeks at a time. In addition to all that, you know, I decided about six months ago to start this podcast, and it has been an incredibly long time, it feels like, to get to actually recording episodes. And I know in the beginning, it's probably going to be rough. The audio is not going to be the best. I'm not going to know what the heck I'm doing with the setup or the editing or all of the technology that goes behind it. I'm not going to know the best way to have a story presented or interview a friend or somebody that I know about their story or even how I'm sharing my own story in these solo ones. I don't know what any of it is supposed to look like. I don't know what I'm doing. but I'm doing it and I'm learning as I go. And it's been wonderful and it's been hard. It's been exciting and it's been overwhelming and stressful. And for me, one of the reasons I'm doing this is because I don't feel like there is a space out there right now where people can just share their stories and what they're struggling with. And then hear from others, learn from others. And again, some of those are experts. And I'm not saying consulting experts is bad. I 100% support reaching out to a therapist, to a doctor, to whoever it is that can help you with an issue. However, also, I just truly believe in the power of learning from other stories and hearing relatable, true, authentic experiences of what people are dealing with. to simply help us go, okay, I'm not alone. I am not crazy. What I am experiencing is normal. And if we can put some words to it, if we can put some language to it, if we can create this awareness of it, then you can build the muscle and strengthen your ability to sit with the difficult. feelings and experiences and maybe make some changes. Like if we can get there, great. But I think just the empathy, the validation of going, oh, I know what you're talking about. And maybe I haven't dealt, maybe you listening haven't dealt with lice, but if you can understand, and maybe you don't have kids, but if you can understand the meaning and the intent behind what I'm saying and how that translates for you in your life. how you have a million things that you're dealing with, and then life happens, whatever that looks like. For me, it was lice, right? But for you, it might be something at work. For you, it might be issues with a family member or a friend or something like that. It could be so many things, sickness, whatever. But in starting this, not only did I want to create that space, but I also am on this continued journey for me to figure out who I am. and what I like and what I would say if I weren't so worried about what everybody else around me was going to think or how they were going to react to what I would say. And so in creating this, I'm also realizing how censored I am. And not that I'm not authentic, that's not what I mean. But what I mean by censored is From the time I think that I was a child, I'm so aware of how others are thinking and feeling and perceiving the world and everything in me. If you're familiar with the Enneagram, I'm an Enneagram 9. I just want peace all the time. I want peace. And ironically, the desire to want peace feels like it causes me so much angst. Because I'm needing to learn how to sit in moments that aren't necessarily peaceful and that are hard. And I've had extremely, I mean, I have not had an easy life. I've not had a life without conflict. In fact, quite the opposite. And so when I speak, whether it be personally or at work or when I'm with a group of people. I inevitably worry so much about if something I said came off as offensive or hurt someone's feelings or if I said something insensitive or if I said something stupid or if somebody misunderstood my personality because I'm a little weird and quirky and like maybe my jokes don't land or maybe they're not even really just funny jokes and to me they're a joke and everyone else It's just like, what the heck are you talking about? Um, you know, or coming off as dumb or stupid or unintelligent, whatever it might be, right? Like I'm just so most of the time aware of those things and worried. And I want everyone else to have a good experience when they're around me because so much of my life I've been around those who don't provide that and I know what that feels like. And I think that's just part of who I am. but also heavily influenced by what I've been through as a kid and in my young adult life. But because of that, there's so much censoring that goes on. And I think it's coming from a place of anxiety around the freedom to be myself. And not that I'm not myself around. I mean, I do feel like I'm a very real and authentic person, no matter whom I'm around, but I don't always feel the freedom to to be that way completely or to trust my gut to just do something completely. Like I overthink everything. One of two things, I either overthink it and sit in my head going, well, if I say this, are they going to feel this way? Or if I like, well, you know, how should I say this? Or later, maybe sitting and thinking back and like ruminating on a situation for like an hour at a time where what's the point in doing that? I can't change what I said or how they perceived it. I just have to trust the fact that like They know me well enough to know what I meant, you know, or if it's a big enough deal, I'll have to go back the next day and apologize, which I've also done before. And most of the time when I've done that, people are like, what are you talking about? Like I didn't even, that didn't come off to me like that at all. Or I don't even know what statement you're talking about because it meant nothing to them. It's all in my head. And, you know, that's one way that it shows up for me. Or another way is I get so excited or. It's almost a form of social anxiety where I get really excited. I'm like, oh my gosh, I want to be around somebody. But I'm also not 100% sure that I can just be my weird self. And then the situation gets uncomfortable because of someone else. And what I always do is go in to like save the situation. Like things get tense, things get uncomfortable. And I try to like just... jump in to help without thinking at all. And then that's usually when I do something really stupid or say something stupid that later I'm like, what the heck am I talking? Like, what was I talking about? I didn't even mean that. I just said it because I was, I don't know, nervous or anxious or whatever. So it's really like two ends of the spectrum here. But I say all of that as explanation to say, this is a space where what I realized when I started this was how worried when I went back and watched like Like during an interview or during a podcast episode, I feel great. I feel like it's going well for the most part. I feel like it's moving along. And then I'm in the editing process listening back and I'm like, what did I say? What on earth am I talking about? Why am I talking about that? And then it went even further to like, oh my goodness, you know, I'm going to tell a bit about my story. I'm going to eventually talk about like, you know, my childhood. And then what if my family is listening or like, are they going to be upset? Are they going to be hurt? hurt? Are they going to take what I'm saying in the wrong way? Should I not talk about this? Or a really big one is that I just know I'm going to talk about because it's defined so much of who I am, but I was married previously. And that will be a story that I talk about multiple times in depth because of how much it impacted and changed who I am. But then I'm like, okay, how much of my life and the people that know that person? that whether they be friends or family or people that we grew up with in this very small town, what if they hear this? What if this gets around? No, should I not talk about this? It's like it's never just about me getting to speak and share without worrying about everything else that would come from that. I'm not saying that that's a bad thing for me. to do or to worry about or care about others. I think that's a very good quality that I care. However, it's also a big barrier because it overshadows me feeling the space and the freedom to be who I am and express myself and realize that it is not my job to manage people's reactions. And I get really stuck in that. And I've worked, I've done a lot of work to stop doing that. But it's still really hard. Like, as I was talking about earlier, when you talk about capacity and intention, I have come so far in that way. And yet, it's so hard for me. And I still have to be very intentional about being honest. And then, but in a kind way, which I feel like 90% of the time, I'm... doing things in a respectful, kind way. Not all the time. My husband can attest more than anyone and my kids. But most of the time, especially with others, like I'm doing something in an intentional and thoughtful way, or at least the intent I should say is behind it, right? And how important it is for me in the last year of realizing I don't know who I am. And again, a lot of this has to go back to the trauma and the experiences I had through childhood. adolescence and in my early adulthood with my previous marriage. I really haven't experienced any of that stuff since I was 26 and I'm about, I turned 35 this year. In those last nine years, it really has been me working to stop those cycles. But prior to that, that was my experience. It was living in a way to appease. a spouse at the time who, if I did not do what they wanted, how they wanted, there would be hell to pay. And then again, through childhood, that's another story. In the last year, especially having kids has kind of pushed me over the edge to go, I got to figure out who I am at my core without everyone else's opinion involved, like without everyone else's stuff coming into my space to make the decision for me. What is the balance between caring for others, being selfless, helping, and also protecting yourself, the freedom to be yourself, share your experience? It's a hard balance. And I am in the midst of that. And one of the ways that I've identified that I can improve on that is almost exposure therapy for me in doing this podcast because I don't want to edit myself. I remember after I recorded the first... couple, which by the time you're hearing this, I've probably before I've launched, I'm recording, you know, 10. to 12 episodes. So these are going to be recorded quite a bit in advance. But after I recorded a few, I remember calling one of my really close, well, we talk on Marco Polo. And I was like, I went on there for probably 30 minutes. And I was like, I got to delete everything. I can't post any of this people. Like people are going to hear what I have to say. And what if it's stupid? What if nobody cares? What if what if this person hears about the story with this person, and then they share it and then AHHHHH! And it just, it overwhelmed me. And luckily, she's such a good friend and she's known me for so long. And she was like, Nicole, that's exactly why you have to do it. If you censor yourself, you're never going to actually be able to be authentic. And this is a space where I can learn to share what I am feeling, to share what I'm experiencing, and to process it together with other people who maybe haven't gone through the same thing, but can understand. the intent or the point behind what I'm sharing and practice myself in showing up in a space, talking about hard things, and then sharing those hard things in a respectful and honoring and kind way, of course, but also in not censoring myself and going, you know what? I don't have to not tell my story because it might make people uncomfortable. I don't have to not share that I'm hurt or upset about something because then the person hearing it might be hurt or upset that I'm hurt or upset. And that's huge for me. So that is part of my journey. It's a little bit about all the things that I am constantly thinking and struggling with right now in my life. It's the multiple ways I'm trying to be intentional. It's the nonsense like lice that shows up and derails your life for a few days or weeks at a time. in the midst of everything else. And then it's those core issues that right now I'm keenly aware of and working on and trying to find ways to not only be creative and fill myself up with something fun that also helps me express myself and learn to show up in a better way for everyone that I'm around. So that's what I'm going through right now. And that's kind of the bothness or all the things that I am experiencing in my life. And hopefully... some of that resonates with you. And hopefully you can kind of see your own story in that and share with me, let me know, reach out to me on Instagram, send me an email and let me know how this shows up for you. And what are some things in your life that are coming up for you right now that are really hard in dealing with the multiple feelings, the multiple perspectives or aspects of something in your life, the both. of what you're going through right now. What is that? What is that for you?
