Description

What happens when a beloved comic book villain gets a cinematic makeover that misses the mark? Your grandmother dies and you never see her again.

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Transcription

• Speaker #0

  uh might as well for everyone everyone yeah we'll do it for everyone i'll give them two episodes they're so good to them yeah we and uh uh if we want to give them kirby tear we'll play spider man on ps5 well i like that um so i'll let you lead the charge on this one brenty boy uh craven it's just called craven right yeah it's just craven the hunter oh i think yeah i i don't even know does it matter It's the last.

• Speaker #1

  I don't know what the movie's called. I don't know who directed it. I don't know. I know I did not like it.

• Speaker #0

  Why didn't you like it?

• Speaker #1

  Because this is so clearly a ploy by Sony to just try to maintain the rights to Spider-Man. So they're just making these garbage movies because they don't want to have to give the rights back to Marvel where Kevin Feige actually knows what he's doing. So they're making freaking Madam Web. They're making Morbius. And now they're making Creep. And the Venom movies were fun. And like, but the thing about this and we just talked about is this movie is so bad. Every choice they make is wrong, but it's almost-Starting with what? It's almost like The Groom though. It's like-Yes! It's like, I'm gonna watch it again because it's so bad it's good. This is like Joker 2, which makes no sense. I don't know why you guys hated that movie. Not that it was good. This movie is bad.

• Speaker #2

  Prentice is ready to fucking die. Man, you gotta get the hell out of your chest. I saw life bleeding in your body.

• Speaker #1

  He's one of my favorite villains in the history of comic books. Kraven's Last Hunt is one of the greatest arcs written.

• Speaker #0

  And we had a moment during the movie because they were quoting the book. Yeah! And I thought for a second, I thought for a second it might be good when I started hearing them do the mother......shitter. Hahaha. What? Shitter. Hahaha. Shitter. I'm gonna......shutter.

• Speaker #2

  It's also vegan in it. It makes no sense! Shitter. No,

• Speaker #1

  it's not. DURANE THROUGH SLAVE THROUGH STONE IT'S THE FIRST ONE yeah the I remember when no it was going to be that bad going into it it was going to be that bad I did not know we'd be a fucking conservationist not trying to villains heroes he's a villain that part where he was singing Earth Song by Michael Jackson was really a stretch

• Speaker #0

  I like that we walked in like maybe 10 minutes late and it didn't really matter and also like the me The action was really, really, really cool. Rosie, my assistant, texted me right when we started, and she was like, the dialogue in this movie is so bad. And I said to Brent during the movie, I was like, the dialogue would almost be good if they cut it down by one line. And he goes, or if they just had no dialogue at all. And then I was like, yeah, a slice of life Craven movie.

• Speaker #2

  It's a silent film.

• Speaker #0

  I mean, all the performances. Everyone acted their ass off and really did a good job. I just wonder if there was a director.

• Speaker #2

  It was the writing, too. They had all those one corny lines coming out, and it was just like...

• Speaker #0

  The spider thing really pissed me off.

• Speaker #1

  Every villain was stupid. It was so dumb.

• Speaker #0

  The Rhino was so dumb.

• Speaker #1

  It was so dumb. The forward art, which apparently that is an ability he has. He can hypnotize people.

• Speaker #0

  And then what does he do? He moves.

• Speaker #2

  All he does is count to three and then go behind you. I'm like, cool bro.

• Speaker #0

  So did my uncle.

• Speaker #2

  Happens to me all the time.

• Speaker #1

  In the comics, I think it's hypnosis actually. So he's actually, it's like, it's not actually an ability. He's just so in tune with his body that he makes you think he's moving fast when he's not, which is so much cooler.

• Speaker #0

  That's what I tell all my ladies.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. I was getting to,

• Speaker #1

  I didn't finish that quickly. He was the best sex you ever had.

• Speaker #2

  You love it.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah,

• Speaker #2

  it's... It's a weird... I guess in that perspective, it's a little better, but it's still a weird... Like, I feel like someone gave up halfway through. It needs to be there.

• Speaker #1

  I just get so upset with these movies because it's just like, okay, now it's going to be a while until I see these characters adapted who are awesome characters. Like, now we're not going to see Spidey against Kraven. Now we're not going to see Spidey against the Foreigner. Venom. Venom!

• Speaker #0

  better without yeah all those and the thing is every performance i never saw morbius but every single sony verse performance was good like they i could picture them so well with tom holland spidey yeah and when he put on the the the vest at the end i was like that's cool they did a good job good fans i was like but it also pissed me off because i was like well okay you clearly understand that there are fans out there why don't you give us a movie that will line up with that? I had a lot. I would go see this again. Cause I had fun at it. I thought the Rhino design when he was fully realized was like the best you could do as a live action Rhino. Really? Like is he that or a guy in a Rhino suit? So like how we already got, which we got. And the, the Mac,

• Speaker #2

  Gary coming up. Oh,

• Speaker #0

  right. He then, but like you even said the Paul Giamatti mech suit is cooler in comparison with what they ended up doing. And he, that, that was my least favorite part of the movie was, was, uh, the, his performance. the guy who plays the rhino yeah dickie montesanti fad and that's a great actor he's great i love him i feel so bad i hate when actors off yeah i hate when actors put on great performances and they're in shitty movies yeah because this guy's great he was on screen i felt like awkward guys i just realized face off is nick cage and travolta yes it's

• Speaker #1

  who made impression

• Speaker #0

  I would have rather watched that for 37 minutes than watch fucking Craven for two hours. But once you strap in and realize that it's going to be a bad movie, you can have a lot of fun with it.

• Speaker #2

  You just got to lean in.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  Literally after the title showed. Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  If Sony keeps giving me these movies I don't consent to, I might as well learn to enjoy them. Yeah, I mean,

• Speaker #1

  like, I wasn't looking at my watch. I was like, it definitely, like, I wasn't, like, bored because I thought it was so bad. I was just like, this is, like, there was a movie, The Kingsman.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, the one that came out a few years ago?

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, the prequel to the Kingsman movies. That movie was bad, but got better reviews than this one. But it was impossible sitting through that.

• Speaker #0

  It says 9% on Rotten Tomatoes. Exactly.

• Speaker #1

  This is laughably bad.

• Speaker #0

  And I didn't even want to care about the score, because they scored Venom low when it came out, and I liked those movies. So I was like, I'm going to be a free thinker! And I was like, no, I'm like the rest of everybody. I'm going to the dance floor when the cha-cha slide is on. This movie is bad. It was murder to the craving.

• Speaker #1

  Joker 2. did not deserve, was review bombed. Like, it deserved the bad reviews that it got. We stand by that, and then we were vindicated when-Unless you guys don't like it,

• Speaker #0

  then we hate it. Yeah, what are you talking about?

• Speaker #1

  The subscribers.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, come on.

• Speaker #1

  But, like, when Tarantino came out, he's like, this movie is fucking amazing. Tarantino literally said, he goes, it was just Todd Phillips going to Hollywood. Fuck you! That's what he said.

• Speaker #0

  It was. I think it was also Todd Phillips doing it to the fanboys who misunderstood the first one, too. Yeah, exactly. This- The problem with Spider-Man villains is you need Spider-Man. You don't necessarily need Batman for Batman villain movies. We've seen that with Joker. Or Penguin. But you need Spider-Man because Kraven's whole point is that's the one prey he can't get. And without a Spider-Man, you know how the movie's going to end. It's a daddy issue movie. And his dad goes in a very unceremonious way. And we get the chameleon reveal, which I did not see coming. And then once I saw it, I was like.

• Speaker #1

  You didn't see that coming?

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, what was I doing? His accent was like there sometimes and also not there.

• Speaker #1

  He's an okay actor.

• Speaker #0

  ATJ?

• Speaker #1

  I liked him. I loved him in Kick-Ass. I liked him okay in Age of Ultron. Did not like him in this.

• Speaker #2

  Chameleon?

• Speaker #1

  No, no, no.

• Speaker #0

  Eric Bailey Ponson.

• Speaker #1

  Oh,

• Speaker #2

  he's great.

• Speaker #0

  What else has he been in?

• Speaker #1

  He was in The White Lotus.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, that's right. Yeah.

• Speaker #1

  He was in Fear Street. I don't know if you ever saw those movies.

• Speaker #0

  Too scared.

• Speaker #2

  He was also, oh, shit, he was the brother in something.

• Speaker #1

  White Lotus.

• Speaker #2

  No, no, I know that one. He was in something else, too. He's really good at playing a brother.

• Speaker #1

  He's got range. He's got a baby face, too, so he can play. He's like our age, and he's like, yeah.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, he looks like he could maybe be in high school. Yeah. Kind of where she was.

• Speaker #0

  If Glee was on, he'd be a sophomore.

• Speaker #2

  In a wheelchair.

• Speaker #0

  What did you think of the movie?

• Speaker #2

  You know what? Actually, I loved it. You know, it's kind of just like a popcorn movie.

• Speaker #0

  So we did not eat any.

• Speaker #2

  I did. Yeah, we didn't.

• Speaker #0

  We snuck in 10 McDonald's hamburgers.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, no, we snuck in so much McDonald's. We had a whole meal.

• Speaker #0

  I had five burgers in each box. See,

• Speaker #2

  it's that good.

• Speaker #1

  in a freezing cold.

• Speaker #0

  Brent was the most disheveled I've ever seen him in my life that day. I made him come all the way down here to watch a movie and he biked on the coldest day of the year and I was like, I got burgers and fries in my pocket, bro. Yeah,

• Speaker #2

  it was so warm in our jackets. We got to keep bringing in more food and see how much we can get away with. Like, I'm going to bring a whole thing of pasta in there.

• Speaker #1

  Bring a turkey.

• Speaker #2

  Get some garlic bread going.

• Speaker #0

  I brought Chinese food just straight out of Compton. And someone was like, yo, he over here eating broccoli. I was like,

• Speaker #2

  shwag in an air fryer.

• Speaker #0

  Probably good. We're there so much. Just, hey, I'm going to leave this under G9. You guys don't mind.

• Speaker #1

  Big little man in our house.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, I had a pizza at the LA Regal when I saw Red One. And I was like, this is wrong. I should have just snuck one in. A movie starring The Rock. Okay.

• Speaker #2

  That could review something. It was, no, it was good.

• Speaker #0

  When's the last time a Christmas movie's been in the zeitgeist since Elf?

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, I was just going to say, it's more of a...

• Speaker #1

  It's a wonderful life.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, exactly. There's like 50 years in between every single one.

• Speaker #1

  Are you okay?

• Speaker #2

  And that was the last time we ever heard from Joy.

• Speaker #0

  No, under my nose. You guys go ahead.

• Speaker #2

  The movie was so bad, Troy choked.

• Speaker #1

  Troy dies on camera.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. I mean, the main dude, the actor, who's the actor's name? What's the actor's name? Yeah, he's, I mean, he's easy on the eyes. So I enjoyed looking at that.

• Speaker #1

  That was my issue with him in Kick-Ass. He's just like a hot dude, and they put him in glasses, and it's just like, oh, he's a nerd. It's almost like that joke from Not Another Teen Movie where they're like, Chris Evans is like, oh, no, she's got a ponytail. And I'm like, it's...

• Speaker #0

  paint splotches on her overalls. And then I'm the nerd who you realize when he takes his glasses off he's still handsome.

• Speaker #2

  Exactly. Such a thing. I don't understand why. Like, find someone ugly.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, now glasses make you hot.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. Idiots. Vests make you hot, though.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, especially, was the vest made out of the lion his dad killed? That's what that was at the end?

• Speaker #1

  He's not specialist.

• Speaker #0

  You killed a whole team of poachers, but you're going to wear the head of a... innocent lion that almost killed you.

• Speaker #1

  It goes into the fourth dimension and ends up in a bookshelf.

• Speaker #0

  I know. It just makes no sense and it's dumb. Objectively.

• Speaker #1

  Objectively dumb because they were originally going to do a Kraven and Mysterio movie at one point and I'm so glad they didn't because we got to see Mysterio done by Kevin Feige and he was awesome. I know you don't love that movie but I love that movie.

• Speaker #0

  It's grown on me after I After I've watched it, and I've just come to terms with not every middle act is going to be on Fire Strikes Back. And I also realize I like Spider-Man movies because I like Spider-Man and I don't always love Peter Parker. In fact, I'll get bored. But that's a coming of age. God, what is wrong with me?

• Speaker #2

  Craven did this to you. He said it would happen. It's coming in quick.

• Speaker #0

  Which one is that called? Far From Home?

• Speaker #1

  Far From Home,

• Speaker #0

  yeah. Yeah, Mysterio's cool in that. I wish that he didn't die because... everyone also has such a hard on for the Sinister Sticks. They were in like one story. Why are they so hard on that?

• Speaker #1

  It's a legit Doc Ock story.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, and if you're going to do any Doc Ock story, it's Superior Spider-Man. That's why like nobody gives a shit. Oh, that's outside. I was like, damn. This New York is noisy.

• Speaker #2

  It's so weird.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, that's we've found the source of where they are and and we've They're gone, but they will be yeah, yeah, we're put rich gear

• Speaker #2

  He was did it step up

• Speaker #0

  I'm gonna do a joke I think about that sometimes. I'm like, they're not going to know what 1994 is.

• Speaker #1

  I know. I remember on Scott Pilgrim, we were like, we only have like two Gen Z fans. And then in that, all the comments, everyone was like, I'm a Gen Z fan.

• Speaker #0

  And Brent said, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. But that's who like these movies are for. I feel like it's for them and for people who love Fast and Furious movies. Yeah. You know, they don't realize the legacy attached to it. And maybe that's why we don't enjoy. These Sony movies, because we're going into them attached with all this love and lore for what Spider-Man is. But at the end of the day, they're just not good.

• Speaker #1

  But the Fast and Furious movies, I will stand by. Those movies fuck. Yeah. Movies are good. Like, Fast Five is awesome.

• Speaker #0

  I've never seen any of them.

• Speaker #1

  Fast Five is an amazing movie. It's a great heist movie. They're taking this ridiculous concept. They take the car racing. They make it a heist movie. They put the rock in there.

• Speaker #0

  It's awesome. Maybe they should have done that with Crayton.

• Speaker #2

  I should have just put Vin Diesel in Kraven. Sure.

• Speaker #0

  It's about family.

• Speaker #1

  It's about family.

• Speaker #2

  Fit right in.

• Speaker #1

  Dude, like, put Tyrese in there.

• Speaker #2

  He could have been the dad.

• Speaker #1

  Not the bro. The name of the person in Paul Walker.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, shit. Paul Walker's the lion that bites Kraven. So Kraven, Spider-Man gets bit by a spider, becomes Spider-Man. Kraven gets bit by a lion, becomes Kraven.

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, Kraven gets bit by a lion and almost dies, and then a witch gives him a potion.

• Speaker #0

  Did we ever find out what was in that potion?

• Speaker #2

  And she was just so quick to do it. She's like, oh, finally. You didn't even get a background. The grandma just had a statue.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah. It wasn't great to go to acting lessons.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah.

• Speaker #0

  Palipso. Was she relevant in any of the books?

• Speaker #1

  She is in the books. But, like, she's like a side character to Kraven. I think she does give him the potion. But, I mean, Kraven takes the potion later. I mean, he initially becomes a hunter, like, who on his own takes down all these animals and eventually takes the potion to become more powerful. Kraven is a... bad guy. He's basically like, I've killed all these animals, so the next thing I have to take down is Spider-Man. I have to hunt a human. That's a bad person.

• Speaker #2

  I'm going from animals to insects, technically.

• Speaker #1

  And Kraven's last line is so freaking amazing, because when J.M. Demetrius, or Demetrius, or however that's his name,

• Speaker #0

  we still don't know a year and a half later.

• Speaker #1

  His name was like, yeah, he's like, reading Tolstoy, and he's like, alright, let's turn Kraven into this tragic character. who's going through an existential crisis, like right out of Anna Karenina. And he's like, and this is going to be a finale for him. And you know, I don't need to recap it because we did a, it was our first episode. It is a masterpiece and we are not going to see it. Cause if they didn't do no way home for Spidey three, they were going to do a Craven movie, which makes you think Craven would have been in the next either Spidey five or Spidey six.

• Speaker #0

  You think he's out of the question? You think they can ever do that now? Really? I think that'd be a great end to his trilogy.

• Speaker #1

  I think it would be awesome. I think it would be great. Maybe if it's so far in the future, but I think Craven just left such a bad taste in people's mouths.

• Speaker #0

  I could see that.

• Speaker #2

  Clearly.

• Speaker #0

  They did do it.

• Speaker #2

  Literally, he choked.

• Speaker #1

  Well, I...

• Speaker #0

  I hate...

• Speaker #1

  I hate... like i one thing i love about this podcast about the three of us we generally love the stuff we're reviewing we try to bring positivity in this world i can't do it with this movie kill you i think friend yeah it's based on your rant because it was so bad it's good that's exactly the takeaway everyone i wrote that on twitter and someone was like and at the end of the day that's all we really need and i was like no set your standards higher but

• Speaker #0

  Sometimes you do just need that. Not every movie is going to be endgame.

• Speaker #2

  Dude, it's like reality TV bullshit. People talk and you know it's bad, but you're just like, I can't look away. It's like a car crash.

• Speaker #1

  I did not expect to like Wicked as much as I did.

• Speaker #0

  That's what I hear. It was really good. I heard that it was wicked.

• Speaker #2

  Oh, it was really good.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, she was shitting on the trailers every single time we went to the movies and didn't want to go see it. I saw it without me.

• Speaker #2

  girl, alright? I think it's weird when people randomly break out in song.

• Speaker #0

  It's not That's a you problem.

• Speaker #2

  That's what my sister does. But like, now it's growing on me.

• Speaker #1

  That's like our love language. It's freaking out. It's like Nickelback.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, exactly.

• Speaker #0

  Because we all just want to be defined gravity.

• Speaker #1

  Never made it as a wise man.

• Speaker #0

  This is how you took me to the Wiz who lives in the Oz.

• Speaker #2

  What's his face? Who plays Oz?

• Speaker #0

  Yes, I am. Escaped a bunch of allegations. Yeah.

• Speaker #2

  And his character in that, I mean, as Oz, is like...

• Speaker #0

  Listen here, kid, let me tell you something. Listen here, bitch.

• Speaker #1

  Blurred paper. Spin it out, Gilda! Yellow brick roads.

• Speaker #2

  It's Glinda.

• Speaker #1

  P-p-p-popular.

• Speaker #2

  I want to be popular.

• Speaker #0

  The next one comes out next year.

• Speaker #2

  Already? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot. It's like a part one.

• Speaker #1

  What is this?

• Speaker #0

  Well, it's a movie everybody that is now always say about Craven I Made the Jimmy I said I give Craven three out of five spiders My mother was searching in the Amazon right before she died. That was my review of it and also like one of the five

• Speaker #1

  Yeah, I've given it pretty good more than it deserves someone put it as they're saying it's number two of the Sony Like oh,

• Speaker #0

  that's just rolling

• Speaker #1

  No, like after the bit so like the better movies.

• Speaker #0

  Oh, okay any spider versus spider-man movies so they say okay yeah power rankings then that craven then morbius than madame webb i would agree with that i never saw morbius but i know madame webb has to be at the bottom of everyone's list i've still never seen it you objectively do not have to it was a it went on valentine's day and it broke my heart twice i went alone uh this is like right it uh if you have nothing to do whether whether you'll be home or or at the theater. This is a good date movie. It's a good... That's not what a great date can do for you. You really don't.

• Speaker #2

  To the screen or your date.

• Speaker #0

  Not a movie I was worried about going to the bathroom as.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah, I know. Usually I run back and don't wash my hands. No, yeah.

• Speaker #1

  Shit. Yeah, just drop the deuce.

• Speaker #2

  I shit on this movie, literally.

• Speaker #1

  Shit in the urinal.

• Speaker #0

  He took it out of the dexter. Oh,

• Speaker #2

  he came from Theater 10? I get it.

• Speaker #0

  Russell Crowe was good in it.

• Speaker #1

  He was good in everything.

• Speaker #0

  Yeah, as Zeus and as Kraven's dad, he was the best part of two shitty movies.

• Speaker #2

  Yeah. It's out when Gladiator 2 is out. It's like Russell Crowe was trying to...

• Speaker #1

  Before I watched Love and

• Speaker #0

  Thunder. Oh, I'll never watch Love and Thunder again, man. That was... I loved Jane Foster as a character so much, and they just... Why'd you bring her back just to do that, man?

• Speaker #2

  Why'd you bring her back, Trick?

• Speaker #0

  Trick, Trick, hold on. I got an idea. Trick, your battery about to die, Trick. That's why we're going to end this review right now. 37 minutes. Grave and the Hunter. Three out of five Amazonians. Brent hated it. Slater hated it. I hated it. And that's why we love it. I love you, true believers. Two episodes of Secret Identity this week. Brent's camera's going to die. We're inclusive, so I've got to cut this now. Live long and prosper. Until next time. And it just died. Perfect timing. Perfect.