Speaker #0Closure is probably something that you think that if you could just get that one face-to-face conversation or interaction that you will finally be able to get over it. On today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, I'm going to actually respectfully challenge that and tell you why that's not true. Thank you for joining. Let's talk about it. You've probably looked up this video because you're probably going through heartbreak. And you're probably thinking, if I could just have that one last conversation, you're probably replaying all the things that led to this breakup. You're probably recalling all the really good times and respectfully minimizing the bad. And here's where I need to tell you that while there could be some truth in that moment, monetary, like not even monetary, like moment of. okay, I feel some sort of resolve, that anxiety is going to continue to live there. Should something, should you guys get back together? You're never going to be the same because you know what the person is capable of. And I think that that's really important to make sure that we highlight and talk about and also normalize because we have all taken people back that definitely did not deserve a second chance, a third chance, an eighth chance. And That's what today's episode is about. Teaching you how closure is a myth. It's a story that we tell ourselves and also a form of cognitive dissonance. Because when we believe that if we do this or if we just have one more interaction, we wouldn't even be having this conversation if that was true. Because you guys would be together. And I know that could be a little harsh, but I mean that with a lot of love. Because sometimes we need someone to shake us. And that's what this episode is today. To just really, really let you know that closure is a myth. And you're never going to feel it with this type of dynamic. So I want to break down for you what people tend to believe closure actually is. Step one, they believe that closure starts with an apology. And while there is some truth to that, and we want to always make... some space and humanity for someone giving an apology, we want to make sure that they can actually follow through on it. And more often than not, they don't. Respect me. So in getting this sort of apology, we feel like we have this sense of relief because they said they're sorry, they're accountable. That means they really feel it. Why? Because we want to believe that. We want to believe that this person actually is sorry. But if we're on our what? seventh, eighth attempt at getting back together, you effectively enabled them and the threshold that they know that they can apologize to, to then get back with you and continue to do the stuff that they're doing. So an apology, while it could seem like a really good thing in the moment is often not really followed through on. And not only that, you have such a fracture in the foundation of that trust now because you've seen what this person is capable of. And I know I sometimes sound like a broken record, but I need to say it because we think if they say, I'm sorry, they really are. And we want to believe that. But if they were, we wouldn't be having this conversation because they would have learned from that last time or the last seven or eight times they've done it. The next thing that we typically like to So the next thing that people like to believe brings on closure is an explanation. And I'm going to share with you something that a supervisor in grad school said to me once. Excuses are like assholes. Everybody has one. And sometimes an explanation can explain something. And sometimes it's just an excuse. And that's where I have to be a very blunt, loving big sister to kind of jokingly, but truthfully. Really make that digestible for you. You could understand the psychology behind someone's actions. It does not mean that it excuses their behavior. If we always make room for that, we make room for a lot of excuses. It's one thing to see someone engage in follow through and committed action, right? So if let's say you're with someone who has a bad temper, right? and you know that they're actively working on it, and you see them engaging, that is one thing. It's another thing when they're acting super perfect, when they're acting like everything's good and they're doing exactly what you want until they burst and they go right back to square one. And then since they've been so good, you kind of want to make an excuse for it, right? Because you want to hold space for their humanity. And dialectic, two things exist. If we continue to allow that, we are again expanding the threshold that we allow. and what we continue to think that we're worthy of. Every time that we allow someone to cross a boundary and just make an excuse for it or an explanation for it, we open ourselves up to be hurt again, duh, but we also hold ourselves open to being fooled again. And that feeling isn't a feeling that really registers good, and it tends to keep us in that toxic mood. So I just want to make sure that you know that because sometimes when we want an explanation for a behavior, it doesn't excuse it. So for example, you may know that the person you're with has a history. We all do. But if they're using that history to continue to be manipulative or abusive with you, whether it be emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, all of the things. Oh, but their dad. just made them feel like they weren't good enough. So that's why, you know, sometimes like, sometimes like he'll just use my credit card and like doesn't tell me about it. No, that's not okay. What do you mean that you didn't know that he was gonna make that purchase? That's a huge liability on you. And also a really huge boundary crossing. No, no, it's just his dad. His dad just never made him feel good enough. His dad, okay, I get it. He doesn't feel good enough. He clearly feels less than. And what are you continuing to allow and excusing? Having an explanation for something does not mean that you need to continue to allow it. You could understand it and walk away. And the third one, which is such a tricky one, is accountability. Because we all want someone to feel and to be accountable for how they make us feel and for their actions. At least we want to believe that they're accountable because if we were with someone, we want to believe that they were good natured and well-intended. Now, more often than not, accountability requires what we therapists call ego strength, meaning I could admit I was wrong. I could admit I crossed the line. I could admit that I'm going to work on this. I'm in therapy. I'm actively working on it. But what we see a lot of these people that want to fake accountability, which is I'm going to tell you everything that you want to hear, give you that sense of closure so that you continue in the loop. And that's what more often than not we fall for because it's the potential, the hope that this person is who they're saying they are because we don't want to feel stupid. And that's on our own ego and our own fragile ego or lack of ego strike. Respectful. I think a core reframe here is that closure isn't something that anyone can give you. You have to give it to yourself. You have to know that you matter. You have to know that you belong. And you have to know that you respect yourself. So no longer be in a dynamic that makes you feel confused, makes you feel less than, makes you feel like you don't belong, makes you feel like you don't matter, and makes you feel like shit about yourself. Whoever is with you. and truly cares about you, cares if they make you feel like that. They don't bank on it or thrive on it or get supply from it. So I need you to just remember that because when you place your need of closure to that person, you're placing your happiness on their actions and limiting the way that you build the self-love within yourself. That's who's going to get you through this. The love and respect you have for yourself and it's going to make yourself open to the love that you deserve. So I want to break down the psychology behind needing closure. And I want to start off with rumination. You are probably in a position where you cannot stop thinking about what the fuck happened. How did we get here? How did this happen? I thought we were so happy. Everything was so good. Not everything on Instagram and TikTok and social media was good in the photos that you placed or put up? Or was it based on reality? And I think that what happens here is we begin to ruminate on every single thing that either we did wrong, because we tend to place the blame on ourselves before we place it on them. If maybe I had been thinner, if maybe I had worked out a little bit more, if maybe I had had sex more. If maybe I had just been more flirty, if maybe I had just, you know, worked at somewhere and got more money. We tend to blame ourselves before we see like maybe this person wasn't great for me. And maybe this person just wasn't the right fit. And the truth here is that when we ruminate and try to find everything, it's because we're meaning makers. We want to understand why this person did this. phones. I want to believe that a lot of us believe we're good people. And if we're good people, according to fairy tales, good things should happen, right? And sometimes we don't realize how the rumination actually just causes us to become more distressed and doesn't really allow us to power through because we're trying to put a piece of a puzzle that has been thrown away and is already in the dumpster. Not even in your house. It's in the dumpster. So those pieces of the puzzle are never going to be fixed. But our brain does not like that. So our brain continues the loop of trying to figure out, especially if you stem from a space of I don't belong, I don't matter, I'm not good enough. You're going to validate. We're going to find facts within the dynamic. I wasn't good enough at this. I didn't matter at that. And that is what keeps us stuck in this loop. So the next phase of this is what we call the maybe loop. AKA a cognitive loop. Maybe I touched on this a little bit now, but maybe if I had done this, and maybe if this had happened, maybe if that day he hadn't gotten in that car, and maybe if that day he didn't go to that party and didn't meet that person, right? We all will engage in that because our brains do not like to not have something solved and do not like to believe that something bad has happened to us. So we go into this maybe loop, right? And again, we defect to almost blaming ourselves because if maybe it had been perfect, then maybe they wouldn't have left because it's easier to blame it on us and ourselves than it is to actually see the entire organic picture. I think something that we need to really be mindful of and delineate to is that there is a huge difference between finding meaning in a relationship and getting answers. Answers are superficial, respectfully. They don't give you meaning. They don't resolve anything. They just satisfy the itch that's there, but then you still have the itch or you still have the patch, right? And when you think of that, when you know that you can find meaning from any sort of dynamic breakup, whatever it is, we then can follow through and move forward. But when we have answers, Because they're superficial, they stay on that layer. So it's hard to go deeper because meaning means going deeper versus answers means staying superficial. And the meaning is I was giving to someone that couldn't meet me where I needed them to meet me. Those are not the same things. So now I want to talk to you through the lens of what. us therapists call IFS, internal family systems. And I want you to entertain me for a second, because we all have these things called parts. And there is a part of you that really believes if I can get this closure, I'm going to feel so much better about the situation. It's going to give me meaning. It's going to allow me to propel forward. And the truth here is that that part is stuck. And it's what keeps you stuck in that cognitive loop. This part of you truly believes that if I could get some clarity and some just answers here, I could fix this. Everything could be okay, right? Because that part is formed to keep you safe and it's adaptive. And the truth here is, is that that couldn't be further from the truth, but we want to hold space for that because that part's just trying to help you out as you're navigating a very uncomfortable emotion. So you're probably wondering, what does this look like in real life? Right. So it's when you start obsessively checking your phone, seeing where they are in your snap maps, watching to see if they post something on their story. seeing, giving them a special ringtone and text tone so you know exactly what it's them messaging you. We've all been there. And all that does and is, is your nervous system trying to regulate you because it's trying to make you feel, because again, that part is saying, hey, if we can get this closure, if we can have this one last conversation, I know that everything's going to feel so much better. And let me ask you a question. Let me know in the comments if you resonate with this, but. How many of us have done that and the same shit happens again? Because I know I'm guilty of it and I've done it and it's happened again. And then I'm like, oh God, I believed it. And then it made me feel stupid, which is not a good feeling. So I just want to hold space for that because I know I've been there and it's not a good feeling. And guess what? You may still make the mistake and that's okay because you're human. And I want you to just learn from this. Keep this as a reminder for yourself because we will try to make excuses to get that closure, to appease that part that we feel is going to be satisfied with whatever answer we're given. But again, answers versus meaning. You need to know what your worth is and what you bring to the table because that is as important as being chosen, quote unquote, by this person. So you're probably wondering, what the hell do I do, Coral? Okay, I get it. Like, you totally attacked me right now. All right, I didn't mean to, but I'm just trying to give you some loving big sister advice. We need to create what's called self-closure because we are creating intrinsic, meaning from us internally, happiness, worth, and reliance instead of extrinsic externally. Okay? So how we create self-closure is number one, getting very real with ourselves, being honest about this process and understanding that, yeah, maybe it wasn't all great and maybe it wasn't all bad and it still made me feel this way. So instead of blaming yourself, I want you to take a moment and just say, what did I learn that I don't like from a partner? What do I not like to feel? And I want to just start, if you're like, I don't know, I don't know if I really can attach to emotion, right? Because sometimes when we're in this like confusion loop, we adapt, we actually get away from being able to feel because it feels so bad. And we want to just believe something that's happening. Okay, so I want to hold to this for that. But self closure is with getting really real with yourself and with being mindful of that. So when we're doing this, it's getting very, like I mentioned, just real. and honest. So some examples could be, I stayed longer than I should have. I really over explained myself because I just wanted to belong and I wanted to matter. I think another example is also when we shrink ourselves to be accepted by someone and it's just, they don't have as much as me. So It's okay. Like, I just understand where they're coming from. And I always joke around. I'm like, yeah, because their great aunt died. And watch, someone's like really traumatized like that. Probably. And I'm here making like a half-assed joke about it. But I made it in the way that sometimes people will make stories up. Like, I know a guy. Thankfully, this was not to me. But he had dated a couple of my friends. And his grandma just happened to die with like three or four people that I knew. I'm like, how many grandmas do you have? Like, what is going on? And sometimes people create these lies so that, you know, how are you going to judge someone in grief, right? That's grieving something or that it really traumatized them. But all jokes aside, we start making excuses. So we need to get clear about not doing that. So step two, we need to set a boundary. And sometimes these boundaries are not only internal, but external, right? So understanding that we are no longer making room for confusion. If we're constantly feeling confused in a dynamic, we're going to clock it and we're not going to accept that and we're not going to tolerate it. And being very clear of if I know that I'm obsessively checking this, I'm going to talk to my friends and say, hey, don't tell me about it. I'm really trying to move on and I just don't want to hear anything about it. There are different types of boundaries and how this could show up. There's also the element of, you know what, I'm going to be mindful and I'm just going to delete. them off my social media and just not look. And I'm going to set myself a goal for myself. And I'm really big on positive reinforcement here. So if you can give yourself a gift. All right. If in seven days I don't look at their profile, I'm allowed to spend $50 at Sephora. I don't know. If you can. If you can. You know, you tailor it to what you can and within your means. But there are little personal wins. Like, our brains actually work really well with, like, reward. So, maybe flip it like that because, let's say I use Sephora as an example, right? But if we want to feel better about ourselves, we got to look better, right? And sometimes that means self-care. you Think of it as a treat yourself, but to your budget, be it Sephora or whatever store you like. Now, step three, and this one is really difficult to have to actually take into consideration, but it's the reality statement and it's coming to the reality of what actually was. An example I can give you here is who I thought they were. They were not. And that sucks. We're innocent with it. But they're not who I thought they were. And that's a really harsh and painful reality. And so step four is a personal favorite of mine, which is a release ritual. Remember that part of closure where I said it's intrinsic, not extrinsic? Here's where I'm going to actually ask you to grab a piece of paper or multiple pieces of paper. And I want you to write down what you are letting go of. I need you to be so clear about what you want to let go of. I want to, I statements. I want to let go of feeling confused, feeling less than, being treated bad. I want to, and make sure that you are very thorough and think of everything you could say. You're not going to send this to this person. You're going to be blunt and honest in it. Now. If you're woo-woo, like me, you're going to fold it three times away from you. You're going to have a fire safety way, like bowl and stuff like that, and you burn it away. Because you're no longer getting that and you're giving it to the universe. Because it's no longer yours to hold. Those desires and that state of being do not coexist. So you're letting it go. You're not mailing it. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, which you don't have to, you can shred it. and envision that literally being shred away and taken away from you because it's no longer yours to carry. So in closing, I think clarity is one of the things that we all strive for when we want closure. And as we have clearly kind of learned here, that's not really something we could get from someone else. The closure comes from us and from our own healing. Because the hope is that you're going to move on and find the love that loves you back the way that you deserve to be loved. But that means that you need to heal yourself and you need to do that intrinsically, not depend on somebody else giving that to you. I know this episode might have been a little uncomfortable at times and I lovingly apologize for that. But it's a hard conversation to have and I want to have it with you. And if you found this episode helpful, let me know in the comments. And if there's any specific topic on closure or question you'd like for me to answer, I'd love to record for that. for you. So let me know in the comments, share this with someone that you think may find it helpful and may need some help in closure. And until the next time, I'm Coral and this is The Road Leads Back To Me. Have a good day and remember you deserve the love that loves you and that comes from you because the road always leads back to you. Have a good day.
