Speaker #0Have you ever been talking to somebody and all of a sudden you think to yourself, what did they mean by that? What were they trying to say to me? On today's episode of The Road Leads Back to Me, we're going to have a hard conversation about why jealous friends try to humble you. I'm Coral Seckle. Let's talk about it. So the reason why it's a problem is because it makes you feel confused because you typically in a conversation. If someone's having a bad day, we're going to hold space for it and understand it. But if they're always having a bad day and taking it out on us, it's a problem that we've allowed and effectively enabled. And what happens in kind of social dynamics is that there is almost an acceptance of this is just who they are. You know, that's just, you know, they're a dick. They're this, they're that. but When you start to do well or start to hold boundaries, it actually creates like friction in the dynamic of the friend group. And, oh, are you sure you want to maybe say that? Or are you sure like maybe you're not being a little overdramatic? And I know in my own lived experience, I've lived this and I have a really big story time to go over with you all on just exactly how jealous friends try to humble you and how they're not that. Because a friend that's jealous of you wants you to. wants you to stay stuck where they are. They don't want to see you rise because you rising means that they aren't good enough or they just don't have the follow-through or the drive that you do. And it's hard for them to not give a backhanded compliment or to be like, oh yeah, that's so great. Just make sure that you don't really get your hopes up. A friend wants you to get your hopes up. Because if it's good, then we both rise. And if it's bad, then we learn from it and continue going forward. Because we all have the right to pursue our dreams and to have hopes. That's what humanity is about. So I wanted to talk to you guys about that today because I feel like one of the big things that we do in familial dynamics or even friend dynamics is that we excuse and allow these people to act out in ways to us just because. they have unresolved whatever or stem from a place of pain. And that doesn't mean that you need to be their emotional punching bag. So let's start off with highlighting. How can we identify if someone is a fake friend or a jealous friend? And how do we know that? So step one, noticing if you are the butt of the joke. If the jokes are oddly specific, here's the thing about a jealous friend. that wants to humble you. They will study your insecurities and then try to highlight them to how we in Spanish say, darte la pollita, just poke. And it's just a joke. You're not the butt of any joke here and you need to give yourself respect. So if you're always finding yourself having to be the butt of the joke, that's one of the first steps that you need to just really clock. and understand that this is likely someone who's jealous of you. Another thing that I would say pretty much leads me to believe that someone's a jealous friend is when they fake accountability. They start love bombing you. Oh my God, I want to know every single thing that you're doing. Because they want to study you. It's not because they find you particularly interesting. They just want to know what your hopes, your dreams are, and what your flaws are. So that then... When they choose to pull back from the love bombing, they can engage in the toxic behavior that you likely stem from. Think about when you meet someone and it's like, oh my God, this person is my best friend and I've just never had this connection before. We all want to feel that. Every single person. And especially with a friend and especially with a loving partner or some sort of partner like that, right? We want to believe, most importantly, that someone really wants to get to know us. Why? Because we're all meaning makers and we all thrive and want connection. These people will tell you and blow smoke up your ass. Until then, they want to pretty much pummel you down. And that is the friendship version of love bombing. They'll tell you, oh yeah, you sure you want to wear that? Oh, that, that, I mean, you, you sure look, you sure are confident now. It's the backhanded comment. It's another red flag and another thing to look out for when you have a friend that is likely jealous or trying to humble you. If we are in a state of conceitedness, it's one thing. It's another thing if you're just trying to get toward a goal and maybe graduate or do something or get into a program and this person wants to talk you out of it because maybe they are in college or maybe they aren't studying something that they're actually passionate about. And when you are standing in front of a space of passion and wanting and curiosity, innovation, creativity works. And that's a high vibration, right? So when you're stemming from a place of jealousy, it's someone that's trying and they're trying to guise it as humble, right? So they're just like, yeah, I just want to make sure that you're really grounded. I just want you to be really realistic. Okay. I mean, delusion is one thing, right? But delusional, woo-woo delusional, like, man, I just really want to aspire to this or manifest this. That's the good type because that's... the person that actually does make it, right? How many times have you watched a creator and you're like, oh my god, I could totally do that or I could totally like, why am I not there? And it's not to say that the person's not good because, you know, everyone has their own unique talent and everyone resonates with people. But that person had the audacity to actually follow through and believe in themselves. Respectfully, unlike you, that is likely making fun of them or making, you know, having whatever common or false sense you have. So now phase two are the small digs. They're the digs that are kind of like, not necessarily a red flag, maybe an orange flag, but it's the backhanded comments. It's the, are you sure that, you know, not everything's greener on the other side. I don't know why you feel the need to have to do that. You're fairly confident for where you're at right now. And I feel like when people do that, It's a way of them trying to humble you by putting you down. They're not necessarily putting you down like directly, but how in Spanish we say una indirecta. And respectfully, I would respect you more if you were an asshole straight to my face instead of covertly an asshole, right? And those little digs are the ones that kind of leave you confused, the ones that leave you like, because you shouldn't think that. Why are you like thinking to yourself, wait, is that like a compliment or were they being rude to me? And if you have to think that about yourself, that person's likely not a friend, especially if they're doing it over and over again and using you as their emotional punching bag. The third step is that we tend to self-correct, meaning we give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they're just having a bad day. But they tend to have a lot of bad days. And you tend to be the brunt of the bad days. And you tend to also see them not have bad days with other people, but they do have them with you. Right, right. I think another thing, too, is when we start making excuses for them. And I know you've probably heard me say this in other videos, but, oh, they really went through this and blah, Yes. Yes, and. Both things could exist. You could use... Things that happen to you as an excuse for, or quote unquote justification for your behavior, it doesn't justify it. And it doesn't mean you need to tolerate it. So now I want to break down the psychology behind a jealous fight. And this has actually been studied since around the 60s, like late 60s, early 70s. And it's a thing called the social comparison theory. Now, depending on how you were raised and whatever programming you had growing up, um you may notice that this jealous friend could be upset with you for things that are totally out of your control things that you yourself won't you know aren't just doing anything outside of existing but to them they find it problematic because it's something that within them they don't have and they are lacking so they tend to take it out on you the next step is one that you've probably heard me talk about before, which is lack of ego strength, or how we also say a fragile sense of worth. And when someone has a fragile self-worth, they are really protective of it and have to create a story and a narrative about themselves and that dynamic to justify how they treat you. And that's why they'll say, oh, but I had this happen to me. Or more often than not, they actually are in denial and are a little kind of like, Oh, nothing. I've always had a really good self-worth. I've always had this and when you know they have it. But it's a story they have to tell themselves to make themselves believe that they're stronger than they actually are. And when people are like that, if you've ever had one of those friends in your life, please let me know in the comments because God knows I've been there. And I'm going to give you guys a story time of a friend or someone that was a friend that did that to me. So you're not alone in it. And I just want to make sure that you know that because when you're able to identify that and stay away from people like this, you can grow to the version of yourself that you're trying to manifest. And that's what this episode effectively is about. I'm teaching you how to do that. I think the most common one that I've noticed in both my own lived experience and within my clients' experience and what they've shared with me is what us therapists call narrative protection. It's the story that these people have to tell themselves. So they do this and guise it as trying to humble you and make sure that you're grounded, right? oh yeah, I mean, I'm sure if I put that effort in, I could totally do the same thing too. Or yeah, I've always had a really high self-worth. I've never cared what anyone thought about me when you absolutely know that they have. There's also the element of the person that when they're in that space, constantly always has to be talking about somebody else, but can't talk about their own stuff. Because if they have to do that, then they have to actually understand that the narrative and story they're telling themselves. is based on a woman because if they actually have to admit it, it's embarrassing, brings up feelings of shame, and that is way too much for them to tolerate. So I wanted to share a personal example that is a bit vulnerable, but we get vulnerable around here. So I'm going to talk to you about a very humiliating moment I had with a friend. And let me make sure I make the long story short. She was not a friend. And I know that now. But this speaks to a lot of the things I talked to you guys about, which is the social dynamics and pressures of us feeling like we need to continue to be friends with someone if we want to belong and matter and connect. Right. All these choices were my own. And was I a perfect friend all the time? No. But this person literally tried to make my life a living hell and was a fucking bitch for a lack of a better word. I'd known this person since middle school. We went to high school together and the bullying went on very passively, very covertly, but throughout our teens and twenties. And this story takes place when one of our friends in our group was getting married. At the time I was at FIU getting my undergraduate degree and I was trying to get into a doctoral program. So I was like really studying and I wasn't working a lot. And this friend that was getting married, wanted to have a bachelorette and this, you know, the... the quote unquote, we'll call her, we'll call her ex. So ex was made herself kind of like in charge of everything because she didn't have a wedding and she had a wedding that was not the wedding that she wanted. And she wanted to take over this one, but that's a story for another day. However, she decided to become Mo like she wasn't even made of honor. She was like bootleg Mozilla. Okay. So she wasn't even like the, the bridezilla because the bride couldn't even be a bridezilla if she wanted to i love her she's still she's a very good person but x just wanted to take over it right and x made it a mission to make things very awkward especially when it had to do with me so what happened they go and they rent this quote-unquote mansion it's not a mansion it's just a big house and when they do that they they're like hey it's going to be x amount of money I, at the time, was trying to get into a doctoral program. And if you know anything about that, you know that you are a research bitch. When that occurs and you really have to like pretty much kiss ass and live in the lab to see if they even pick you. If you have ever done any sort of graduate work or tried to get into a doctoral program, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So I didn't have the money. I don't come from, you know, my parents didn't have a lot of money growing up. So when they told me how much it would be to... be able to be allowed to stay there, I was like, Hey, I don't have the money. The bride and some of the other friends were like, Hey, why don't we pitch in? You know, she's, she's in her last semester of college. Like, you know, they, they understood the situation. I need you to know, I am not that person. I am someone that to this day, I'm so independent that, and like respectfully kind of almost stubborn that I won't ask for help. And I don't, and it's really hard for me to even accept help. But story from the beginning. said, oh no, if Coral can't afford it, she can't stay with us. I don't think it's fair that we all have to pay for it, which not necessarily a lie, but also very cunty because everybody else was like, hey, like, like, it's okay. We want, like, we want our friend here. So that's just one example of one of the things she did. And that's light. The second one is the humiliating point. Now, I'm going to say this and I'm going to talk to you. like the loving big sister that I am, and I'm going to keep it very real. And I mean this in the most respectful way. This is someone who has what I would dub a reversed body image. She thinks that she is much smaller than she actually is and would buy things that didn't fit her. And if they did fit her, fit her very inappropriate and stuff like that, which, again, if you feel comfortable in that, that's fine. that wasn't the case here. And that's an important factor you don't remember here because I was probably 30 or 40 pounds less than her. And that was a factor in this. So as I mentioned, I was trying to get into this doctor program and I didn't really have money at the time. And she made it a rule that if you were going to go to the club the night that they were going to go clubbing. you needed to wear purple. I didn't own anything purple at the time. And I was like, Hey, like, is this a hard rule? Yeah. Yeah. And don't ask the bride because this is a rule that like, she has a vision. Again, I can tell you, and I'm sure that the bride who knows this story and is probably watching this and is like, I cannot believe, yes, I'm fucking doing it, bitch. Yes, I am because it's a perfect example. Um, but she would never have that type of rule. But me following along thinking like, okay, yeah, I just want to honor this space because I don't want to cause any friction, right? She said that not to ask the bride anything or not to say anything to the bride. And I was like, dude, hey, like, I don't know what to do here. Oh, don't worry about it. I have some dresses I can let you borrow. And I was like, okay, I mean, whatever. Let me see what she has. This girl had a lot of clothes. And so I go over. And when I go over there, she picks out three of the most respectful. horrific outfits two of them look like they were her mom's which moms then respectfully versus moms now dress very different if it was a mom now i probably would have had better selection back it just even though we were like in business apparel in the clubs it wasn't business apparel it looked more like sunday service at like an evangelical christian church outfit and nothing wrong with that but that's just not the miami vibe respectfully so she then has this one dress that's just like a plain purple dress I need to make sure I say this one of the things that she said to me was she's like yeah I'm gonna just let you borrow whatever pick whatever dress you want because I haven't even bought my dress yet and I was like okay are you sure like whatever again I like I mentioned I'm very weird about like asking for help it just makes me feel awkward and this girl shows me these dresses I'm like what the fuck I was like, okay, let me try. I'll take this one. And it was just a plain purple dress. It was about, I want to say it was probably a small or a medium. And she's like, well, before you take it, I want to see what it looks like on you. That should have been my first red flag. I remember when I told the story to my team, I was like, I think I'm going to share the story. They were like, what? Why did she? And the next part is even worse. She asked me to try it on for her. Then I go in and I'm like, okay, this is weird. Whatever. I go, I put on the dress. I come out. She makes me turn around full 360 in the dress. Oh, and put yourself like as if you're wearing your heels, whatever. She looks at me up and down and goes, you know what? I really like how that dress looks on you. I'm going to actually wear it for the party. Why do you make me try on the dress then? And it was a moment where, yes, she attempted to humiliate me. Because anybody that's a good friend would never do that. Especially when someone is vulnerable with you. And you know is stemming from a space of, like, feeling very awkward about even asking for support or help. Yeah, that's definitely not a good friend. So what happens? I go to the bathroom. And I'm like, Coral, don't fucking cry. Don't cry. Don't give her the. pleasure of crying and my face is probably beet red and I go you know what ex It's fine. No, no, no, but you could totally wear it. No, thank you. No, thank you. Another red flag. Your girls should want to look good with you and should want you to look good. I had a moment a few weeks ago with some of my girlfriends. We were in L.A. And I was like, dude, I love how we were all just fucking glowing and in our element. Because we're girls. Girls only love each other. We champion each other. Because that's what healthy dynamics do. That wasn't. The example I'm giving you now is not it, but it does have a good ending. So let's get back to it. So I'm beet red. I'm trying not to cry. I get home and my mom is on the couch with my baby girl, Chanel, my pug. And at the time, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom. So this is actually one of my favorite memories with her. I get in and she's like, What's wrong with you? And I'm like, nothing? She's like, what's wrong with you? And I just start sobbing. X did this to me, and I tell her the whole story. And all of a sudden, my mom starts getting weird, stands up, walks over to her purse, grabs the keys, and she's like, where was the dress from? And it was this little boutique back in the day called Dior. If you're from Miami, you know what I'm talking about. And she goes, we're going to Dior. Okay. I need you to know something. I have not asked my mom for a gift in decades. And, and probably around that time I hadn't, I had stopped asking for anything. So she goes, I want you to find the dress because you're wearing the same dress. And I'm like, mom, she goes, you're wearing the same fucking dress and you're gonna look better than her. And I'm like, okay, Lulu, let's go. Um, so not only did she get me a dress. But she got me a dress for the house party that they were throwing at the house that they were staying at. And she got me a dress also for the wedding that we were all going to be attending. And she also took me to Dave Nutt Mall, which is a local mall here in Miami, and went to MAC and bought me new makeup. She also bought me shoes. My mom was a girl's girl in that moment. She was like, no one's going to make you feel like that. And you're going to look better than her. And I fucking did. I looked way better than her. So here's the tea. on this because I'm laughing at it now I mean clearly it was like so I show up and I am like tens across the board I mean I look good I look so cute that day and I love and I'm gonna actually share with my team a picture so that you guys can see like I was just feeling myself and and it was just a really great party this person ex um like I mentioned had reverse body dysmorphia so she had a dress that didn't fit her to the point that all the photos we took for the most part Facebook took down because there were parts of her that should not have been showing because the dress didn't fit and she didn't have underwear on. So it actually took it down for inappropriate dresses, for inappropriate, for, I guess, you know, things showing that shouldn't have been shown. And that was just one thing. And just, I mean, that story turns completely different also a few weeks later. That wasn't a friend. A friend doesn't humiliate you. A friend doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. A friend doesn't use your vulnerabilities against you to make you feel bad about yourself. A friend empowers you, not fake accountability or fake empowering and fake love bombing. Oh, because I want to believe in you. And let me tell you something. You would have thought that that would have been enough for us to cut that friendship. No, I stayed in it. And then we would like stop being friends and then we would be friends again. Because a part of me wanted to believe that somewhere in her, she was good. And I think it's because we also want to believe even outside of even romantic relationships, but that people have the potential of being good. And I think we want to believe that about friends. And that's why we stick around and that's why we give space and we do all that. And this is someone. That to this day, unfortunately, still stems from this place of lack and pain. And I honestly pity her. I feel bad for her. But from very far. And like, don't talk to me and I don't care about anything you do with yourself. Because I don't allow that sort of energy around me. I only roll with people that roll high. I only roll with people that are honest and are based off of integrity. Because those values matter to me. And I don't believe in putting people down. I believe in raising people up and being around people that we help raise each other up because those are what good friends are. And good friends don't try to humble you or make you feel bad about yourself because that is how they feel about themselves. So what do we do when we recognize that someone is a jealous friend? Well, clarity. Step one. We need to name internally what was it that we just went through, right? So if it felt weird. it was weird. We're not going to second guess ourselves. We're not going to think we're crazy. We're not going to try to over explain the position or where they stem from because they did what they did for a reason. So step one, get very clear about it. You don't have to necessarily confront them right away, but clock it internally. I didn't like how that felt because if you know that you wouldn't do that, why would you tolerate it from somebody else? Number two, stop over explaining. This is when you feel the need to have to justify yourself because you feel like they feel less than you and you feel like you need to shrink yourself to make them feel better about themselves. Step three, and this one's a little difficult, but boundary shifting. Clock when the person does something. It's kind of like when you have those conversations with someone and you're like, oof, this is the last time I'm... ever going to speak to this person again. You then have to move differently, right? So it may mean that if the person is texting you and calling you all the time, you're not necessarily answering all the time. It may mean that you may need to create a lot of distance. Maybe start off small in the beginning or do it as whatever you feel because you deserve to be respected. Step four, decide your standard. Decide you who gets to be around you and who has access to you and your energy, because we are all responsible for the energy we bring into a room. And we're also all responsible for what we allow around us. So getting very clear about your values and knowing I want friends that are honest. I want friends that are based off of integrity. Cause if you know, someone's a thief and would steal from their parents would steal or, or do some weird shit with, I don't know, whatever. If you understand that the people that you want around you are honest and good people, then that's your standard. And if you know someone's a liar, you don't allow them around, even if you can understand where they lie from because they stem from a space of pain. Two things could exist. You could allow that and continue to get fucked over, or you can be honest with yourself and understand that that's not who you want around you because you're not trying to weigh yourself down with that. So I know this conversation was a little uncomfortable at times. And thank you for holding space for my little story time. I can give you the loving big sister advice because I know what it's like to be on the other side. And I know what you're probably feeling. I may not be feeling exactly what you're feeling or have felt that. But I understand that it's very uncomfortable. And I know that the only way through it is to go through it. And to actually sit with it. And to be honest with ourselves. I've seen it work. I've seen it manifest me into the highest version of myself, and I'm still working towards that. And I know if I can do it, so can you. And that's why we're having these hard conversations. So I just want to remind you that the road always leads back to you. And you're not a bad friend for wanting to hold a boundary and for wanting respect and for it to be reciprocal. You're a good person for wanting that because you should. That should be a universal truth that we all respect one another. we can understand, again, before I leave, where someone could be stemming from, be it a space of pain, be it whatever, and also not tolerate disrespect or minimize or shrink ourselves to make them feel comfortable because they could never. Thank you for joining me today on The Road Leads Back to Me. If this is something that you feel that someone needs to see or you can share, please share and... Let's create that community and good conversations around how we could find the road that leads back to us. Until next time, I'm Coral Seco. Take care.
