Speaker #0And at the end of the day, when you are 90 something years old, lived this life, you don't want to live a life of regret. Hi, and welcome back to The Road Leads Back to Me. I'm Coral Seck. Today, we're going to be covering false accountability. What is it? How to clock it? And what to do when you find someone that you really care about that keeps doing this to you and how to actually approach it? Because that's the difficult part of this. I believe that we all are meaning makers and trying to just connect with one another. And I think that the more evolved that we become as a species and the more we learn here on the Internet, clearly you're listening to this podcast, the more we're starting to become aware of some behaviors that maybe we have just normalized and false accountability is. So. when I think of false accountability as a trauma specialist, I think of how, for example, let's say that you're talking to a parent and you're bringing up, hey, this happened to me. That never happened. I would have never done that. What do you mean? Now, not to defend them, but the person that they are now maybe would have never done that. The person that they were then that you lived that experience through, they were that. And it's... It's the inability to be able to fully take accountability for something. Another example I could give you is if you're calling something out and you're, you know, I always tell my clients, Hey, I'm very, very, I mean, I'm very confrontational and I'm very like, Oh yeah, we're going to do this. We're not triangulating anybody. We're going to bring everybody here. We're going to mediate. We're all going to talk about it. And what I also like to do is I'm a big fan of, we're going to also follow this up with an email or with a text and talk about all the talk points we talk about. Cause you're not going to gaslight me. And false accountability is when you bring up something and maybe it's even in a text and being like, hey, this is what we discussed. And the person completely ignoring the thing that they talked about, but deflecting onto something else. But then they're going ahead and telling, you know, but I can really valid. I completely understand where you're coming from. And yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from. But I don't want to talk about that because I don't know if that's important. Why do we keep bringing up stuff from the past? Wait, what are you talking about? I was talking about something here. But no, but if we're going to talk about it and we're going to be blunt, let's let's talk and talk things out. Wait, what? Notice how I just even confused myself in saying something. How many times have you had a conversation like this where someone literally just walks around in a circle and takes you around? And you're like, I always think I forgot what the movie is called, but it's like a scene that's like, what the fuck did we get ice cream? Did you get it? And it's one of those things that you're like, what? If you feel like that, that's false accountability and someone's gaslighting you. And that's a whole other video in and of itself. But what I will say to you is that if someone is like that and you're like, I think they're lying, trust your intuition. If there's one takeaway I want for you guys to learn, truly learn is the gift of not only intuition, but of discernment and discerning. Hey. This is this person's lived experience and whatever they've gone through. And this is how it's impacting me. So it's nothing personal, but I need to go ahead and hold that boundary. Boundaries keep us safe. And if someone, if we're going to talk about now how to know or how to clock it or how to say something, you guys have heard me mention this in other videos. If you have a secure attachment with someone, you should be able to tell them how their actions have made you feel. and for them to honor you. honor your humanity just how you're supposed to honor theirs and be like, hey, you know what? If they're a true council member, I'm so sorry. That was not my intention. That wasn't how I meant to come off. And that definitely wasn't who I am as a person. And we can make room for humanity, but we have to clock patterns. Because if we continue to excuse, excuse, excuse, forgive, forgive, forgive, all we're doing is enabling that. And also enabling them to think that they can bullshit a bullshitter. And when that happens, you have to clock it. People will show you who they are. Believe them. You hear me say that, I will continue to say it because one day it'll hit. And when it does, you're welcome. I always tell people, I show up as the adult I wish I had and the human I wish I had. And sometimes you don't know when you need to hear a message. But if you are constantly feeling... like you are being gaslit, being made to feel crazy, or being made to feel like something is wrong with you, clock it, take a physical step back and ask yourself, is this worth it? Is this someone who, check your source, is honest, is being truthful about their actions and who they are? Why are they becoming so defensive? If you know what you've done and you know that it's whatever, right? And you're going to take true accountability. Hey, I was an asshole. I am so sorry. What I was going through was not an excuse for me to act that way out with you. And I'm sorry. And that won't happen again. Let's say they do it again, but maybe it's not as bad. You still have that conversation. And if it happens a third time, then we know even if it's getting less and less and it's something that you're actively working on. That's one thing, especially if you're working on it in like therapy, couples therapy or anything like that. We have to diffusing a behavior is one thing, enabling it as another. And when we're constantly being forgiven and forgiving and all that stuff, that's a good thing. It's not a bad part. It's not a bad thing to do. But you also have to ask yourself, how is this draining me? Do I trust this person? Is this someone that at night I know I don't have to go through their phone? I don't have to go through their email. I don't have to go through other apps to see if they've gotten creative. And you need to ask yourself that. Because people will say, oh my God, I had this example. I have a girlfriend of mine whose boyfriend literally studied everything Romani took out. everything and if you don't know who dr romney is queen i love her fangirling right now she's the queen of narcissism of narcissistic psychology i would say i would honestly dub that she not only saved in my lived experience has saved me from places and and situations that were also saved my family from being able to clock things and and teaching them and having these uncomfortable conversations. You need to know. And learn when someone is taking true accountability, because if they're quick as hell to tell you, oh, I know how to bullshit. I can bullshit a bullshitter or I'm I'm I'm a honey badger. I just love to to go ahead and point things out. OK, but can you really be like Cardi B and let's go wrong for wrong and let's go lick for lick? No, you can't because you'll probably hide if you see me. And that's how you know that someone can't take true accountability. So you're probably wondering, where is this girl coming up with all these real life examples? I want The Road Leads Back to Me to be based off of true stories. And thankfully, I have some council members that have volunteered some of theirs. Because I believe that it's really important to share real life examples as a clinician and as a human that this could happen to any of us. And it doesn't mean we're stupid. It doesn't mean we're bad. And it doesn't mean we're dumb. We just want to connect with people. And that's okay. And sometimes, especially during dating and things like that. False accountability is something that can come up, but we just are wanting to connect with someone that we tend to settle. And I mean this with all due respect, and I'm going to talk to you like a loving big sister. These people are not able to take accountability. They live in a world of half truths because in their life and their lived experience, it is too draining to be authentic. And they have probably... weaved themselves into such a web of lies that you find them then being manipulative and coercive and holding things against you and blackmailing you. And that is something that people with false accountability will do. And if you know that, how do you clock it and how do you move away from it? I always go back to my orange flag and red flag theory. And if we're seeing this, I hate again to be the bearer of bad news. This person's not going to change. And if you continue to forgive them and extend them grace over and over and over again, you're at that point, respectively, just virtue signaling and living still in this reality that is not good for you. And at the end of the day, when you are 90 something years old, hopefully, and have lived this life, you don't want to live a life of regret and of not have ever having actually found love or. And it could be self-love. I'm not even talking about an actual partnership. But if you are settling and allowing someone around you that you know, hey, this person's a liar. This person is outright just saying these things that they don't know how to live that. They're not authentic. That's their experience. And that is OK. And we'll hold space for that. And I don't want that near me. And you need to make that brave decision of walking away from something that does not serve you. And that's the truth in false accountability. It's not healthy. It's toxic. And it continues this dynamic and it actually reinforces what us clinicians and trauma specialists call negative cognitions. Negative cognitions, actually, I have some here, are I'm learning to, the world is dangerous. Something bad will happen. I am powerless. I'm helpless. I'm not in control. I'm weak. I have no choices. I was responsible. I'm a bad person. I should have known better. I can't protect myself. My feelings aren't safe. If you have these negative cognitions and you're around someone that doesn't take accountability and is only falsely accountable, you're going to live a fake life. And you are going to live a life that is false because you're here thinking, oh, this is someone I could say this to, and this is my partner who I'm supposed to grow with. But yet you're walking on eggshells and not feeling like you can tell them the truth because they're always gaslighting you and making you feel crazy. And if that's the case, you need to clock it and call it out. Thank you so much for joining us today. And you can catch more episodes of The Road Leads Back to Me weekly here on this platform and others. Make sure you follow me on other social media platforms. And if you have any questions or any examples, that you feel like, hey, Coral, can you see or can you maybe tell me if this is someone taking false accountability? I'd be happy to answer that. So leave them down in the comments. And if you know of someone that could benefit from this video, please share it. I am doing this to help people really create awareness around who they're surrounding themselves with so that they can achieve the highest version of themselves. So thank you so much for joining and I'll see you next time. Take care.
