Speaker #0Hi, and welcome to The Road Leaps Back to Me. I'm Coral Seckle. Today we're going to be covering groupthink, what you need to know, how to clock it, and what to do about it. Let's talk about it. So you're probably wondering, what is groupthink? Groupthink is when, I think an example could do really good here. Let's say that you're in a group of friends and one friend kind of is the boss of the group. So people start to kind of do the things that that person wants to do because they want to be a part of the friend group. They don't want to cause an issue. And they also know that that person might cause a fight and they may believe that everybody else is going to follow around. Now, here's the thing about us as humans. We are meaning makers and we need connection. So when someone is compromising that, that is groupthink. That is when I need to do whatever this person wants me to do, even if it's not in alignment with who I am or my values. And that's really important to talk about and to really recognize in yourself, because when that happens, knowing that that's number one, a really uncomfortable feeling to even have to acknowledge. Man, my friends that I've always been there around and around me are maybe not the people that I thought that they were. And the people you do call your friends or what I like to call your... what I like to call your counsel, should always want what's in the best interest of you and champion you to do great and to do good things. So that's really difficult, especially if you're maybe in a high school or a middle school or even in college. College tends to get a little bit easier with the groupthink and the groupthink there tends to evolve to different things. But when you're in what's called the developmental stages of your life, like middle school and high school, you're always developing. I'd argue that's really difficult especially when you've grown up with a lot of these people and have always just thought hey I need to do this because if not maybe they won't be my friends or we could get in trouble and these things are really important to identify in your friend system or support system or what I like to call your counsel because imagine if something's happening to you you want to be able to call a friend who you know if they were in a position you would trust and respect above everything, their decision and their choices. But here's the thing, we're all human and we all have different lived experiences. And depending on what you learned growing up, you could have different programming that would then allow you to think. So what kind of programming is that? I would say me, I'll use myself as an example. I grew up in Miami, as you can tell by my very Miami accent, and I'm very proud. to be from here because I am the descendant of immigrants and English is my second language. So in learning that about myself and knowing that about myself, that's our culture here. But Latino culture, specifically Caribbean culture, is very about appearances and it's very about we don't want to mess with anybody or anybody to feel some type of way around us. So sometimes I know growing up in my experience, it was, okay, you got to give this person a hug, even if I felt weird giving them a hug. Because if not, it would be seen as disrespectful. And I think that's something that happens in a lot of cultures and is also a time thing. Because if you think about it, if you are a millennial, a Gen Xer, your parents are probably boomers. So they were probably one of many. And were born in a time where things were a little crazy. and chaotic and they didn't even know if they were going to still be alive. So to them, anybody being around was a celebration. And while it still kind of holds true to today, we now know about boundaries and we talk about them openly and should make space as safe adults, because that's what I always strive to try to teach people how to be, and in honoring those boundaries. So if your kid doesn't want to hug someone, hey, what do you feel comfortable doing? And asking your child that instead of forcing them to do something. And the reason that that's important and how it ties to groupthink is because if you show your child that they don't have what is called agency over themselves or their bodies, then they're going to think that when they're in a friend group and they have that ringleader trying to call the shots, they need to do what they need to do because it's what's expected of them. And that's a benign example, but that could lead to very crazy outcomes. And if you ever have dealt with any trauma, you may have resonated with that example that I gave. But that's an example of groupthink. And that's why I feel like it's really important for us to talk about it. Because in learning about groupthink, when we're following other people, we're not listening to ourselves. And we're kind of living by somebody else's standards instead of our own. So how am I to expect you to grow up and have agency over yourself in your decisions? Now, we still need our counsel. And the counsel is always important because we're meaning makers and we're humans. And those are people that we trust. So when we're in groupthink, if you're surrounded by people that you feel like you need to just comply in order to keep everything a piece, that's a red flag. So if you need to do that or you need to or you think of that or honor that, then honor that red flag, clock it and take note and ask yourself, take a if someone was coming up to you and telling you the example. of whatever situation it is. Let's say that it was that you were at a friend's house and maybe you drank a lot. You didn't know what you drank. You were really afraid of getting in trouble. You didn't want your friends to get in trouble. Ask yourself, what would the safe adult have said to me in that moment? Safe adult would have said, if they don't want to be your friends for what happened, then they were never your friends. And that's okay. Then we'll hold space for that. That's difficult. But we're going to find new friends, people that accept you for who you are. And that wouldn't put you in that sort of danger or that sort of predicament. Because a friend sometimes, especially in adolescence and your 20s, you're going to get into trouble. That's part of individuation. We're not going to we're not going to shame ourselves for that because that's human experience. And we want that. We sometimes need to learn from those mistakes. But it's when people don't learn from the mistakes and continue to make them. That's another thing you have to block. Because when you're put in a position where you feel like you constantly have to be showing up in a certain way, if not, someone won't accept you. That's not a secure attachment. That's not a safe relationship. It's another thing you have to block. Because then those people can't be your council members. They can't be your support system. They can barely support themselves. How do you expect them to support you? So you're probably wondering. Why is groupthink dangerous? And groupthink is dangerous, kind of like the example that I gave before, because if you are always listening to other people, and I'm not talking about your council members, the people that are there to support you. I'm talking about listening to friends that maybe you know, like me. I don't think they're really nice to me. I feel like they're always passive aggressive or there's always some backhanded comment that they have to make. You need to clock it. Here's the hard truth that as a loving big sister, I'm going to tell you, if somebody cares about you, they will care about how they are making you feel. Point blank, period. I don't care who you are. There is there's a thing about jokes. Jokes are OK, but at what cost? And I think that's really important because when we, at least in my lived experience. When we look at groupthink and how it could be dangerous, if we just subscribe to whatever this person or the ringleader that is, pretty much we have to enable, right? Because if we're not clocking them, if we're not checking them, if we're just accepting them for who they are, that's fine. But the dialectic, which is that the other thing that exists is, is, yeah, but that doesn't make me feel good. And it makes me like feel anxious. I feel like I'm always on leg shows. And walking on eggshells, if you know what that experience is, it's super uncomfortable because you don't know if you're going to sneeze right. And it sounds like a joke, but it's not like the person could easily say, oh, my God, I'm so offended. And you're like, where did this come from? I have nothing to do with it. Like, what do you mean? So why groupthink is very dangerous is because if we're enabling someone by not telling them, number one, we're not in a secure attachment. So it's not someone that you're... secure you feel good to even tell them your vulnerabilities another thing that i want to ask you or be curious to is and to clock is if anytime that you say something to somebody you have to feel really comfortable that it's going to be repeated clock it that's not a safe person that's not your friend again some loving big sister advice and i know it's really hard to hear this But if you are normalizing any of the things that I'm bringing up right now. That means that you partake in group things. You allow them to do whatever you want, what they want, and you're pretty much holding on to whatever belief system they want because you want to make them feel comfortable at the cost of your comfort. And that's not a friend, nor is that somebody that cares about you. And if you subscribe to that, statistically, you can look up the data, you are more likely to be a victim. of S-A-M-A or D-V because you just think that that is okay. And think about it. When you subscribe to groupthink, if you have a felt sense or a feeling about yourself that maybe you don't feel like you're good enough or that you don't matter, you don't matter. Let's use that negative cognition. That's a real negative cognition that I, as a trauma specialist, would be. inquiring if you subscribed, if you're in a session with me. And if you don't think you're good enough, because maybe you're afraid of saying something to this person, then what's going to happen there is that you're going to find yourself not saying stuff. And then again, you could make yourself susceptible to becoming a victim because you don't think that you're good enough or you don't think that you matter or that you belong. And we as humans are meaning makers. So we want and need connection. So that's why groupthink is dangerous, because it could statistically actually put you in harm's way because you don't know how to use your voice and advocate for yourself. So what I want to teach you is how to break free from groupthink. And it's more than one 20 minute video on YouTube. Right. But we start with this because sometimes it's just even hearing the idea of, wow, I never realized or recognized that I subscribe to this type of ideology. Or that I was okay with it. I don't know if I feel comfortable with that. That's step one. Acknowledge that. Recognize how not only it feels. If it's triggering. Or what comes up for you. As I describe this. But actually. Recognize where you feel it in your body. Because if I'm saying this. And you're feeling it in your chest. There's something there. And that means that that resonated with you. Because at one time. Maybe you. We're put into danger because of it. And because if you now being the adult that you are today, we're trying to look back and become the safe adult that you wish maybe you had. That's something I say. I show up as the adult I wish I had. So if you if you show up as the adult you wish you had, how would you have told you to handle the situation? Now, if you are in a situation where groupthink is happening. I've already shown you the signs and told you the signs of how to clock it and what to do. And now how do you break free? We break free by if someone tells you something. And let's say I'm trying to think of a quick example. Let's say you have a friend that every time that they want to do something, we always just do what she wants to do or he wants to do. Because if not, it's going to be a problem. She's going to cause a fight. Hey, how about we all vote and make do a little board? Let's say, I mean, a little voting thing on your WhatsApp or whatever group chat thing that you use and start making it that you guys all take agency over whatever it is, because you are part of this friend group. You have a voice as well. Hey, you picked it last time. That's something I tell my four year old. We have to take turns. So, you know what he tells me when we're driving and I already have my bad bunny song on. and it finishes okay mommy it's my turn so if my four-year-old could do this you adult that could operate youtube can do it as well and you could ask for it to be your turn because it's the truth the next thing that i want you to do is if someone tells you hey or maybe makes a backhanded comment or a passive-aggressive one i want you to take a breath and i want you to operate with listening to here. not listening to defend. And I want you to get curious if you listen more to hear or listen more to defend. And what I could do is if you guys want, I could talk about it in another video for you and teach you more skills on how to learn to developing your listening skills. Listening to defend is sometimes something that happens in groupthink because you have to feel like you need to defend yourself against the person. So just know that. Very normal and don't criticize yourself if you feel like that. But I want you to learn how to listen to hear, not listen to defend. And once you hear this person say everything they say, I want you to tell them, especially if it's passive-aggressive, repeat to them and quote what they said. Can you expand on what you meant when you said blah, blah, blah, and have them explain themselves? Here's what I can guarantee. People like that don't like to get checked and don't like to get clocked. They get very embarrassed. Now remember, if groupthink has been happening, no person has checked that person prior to that. So you'll be the first one. Now, will you probably become the enemy? Sure, probably. Or, oh my God, can you believe this? And if the friends around you or in that kind of scenario are co-signing on that, that's information for you to know that they're not your council members. Those people aren't your friends. Because no one would want, I wouldn't want one of my friends being disrespected. If one of my friends was being disrespected, I don't even know if I'd be honest and tell you that I would breathe and say, what'd you say? Because I would just jump to, what did you mean by that? And I would probably say it in a more aggressive way. But I love my friends very, very deeply. My very close counsel, I'm very protective of them as they are of me. And that's how real friendships and secure friendships should be. Not that you're going to fight for them because clearly we don't want to be friends with people that are going to make us fight for them. But should we need, we'll figure it out. And funny enough, we'll have the bill money. You'll be okay. But I want you to clock that. And all jokes aside with that, you need to be around people that you feel secure. So the other way to also just even check that person is if they say something to you like An example that comes to mind is I was having lunch with someone that I knew a few weeks ago. I know this was someone who I was already on the fence about having any sort of relationship with them. They were like a frenemy of mine. And to make a very long story short, they said something and I clocked them. And they did not like that I clocked them. So they became passive aggressive the rest of the time. Mind you. they said something that was very disrespectful. And I was like, hey, what was that? I have not spoken to that person again. Because I know myself and I knew prior to that, that I had that inclination that something was off. But I was like, let me just give it one more chance. And they proved it. Because here's the thing, they'll prove it. And when people show you who they are, believe them. We can all have human moments. And that doesn't. make it an excuse to be an asshole to somebody else and we have to also take accountability because i've been an asshole i'm sure you've been an asshole at one point but it's about taking accountability and saying hey i'm sorry people that subscribe to groupthink or are the leaders of groupthink don't know how to do that because that requires taking accountability so that's another thing i want you to clock and if the people around you don't know how to take accountability walk away There's a saying in Spanish that my dad and my mom used to say to me, mejor sola que mal acompañada, better alone than in bad company. And that's very true. So this is a synopsis of groupthink. And if you have any questions or are curious to wanting me to expand on any topics or give any examples, I'm happy to create another video and talk more about it. Please leave your comments below and let me know if any of this stuff resonated with you. And don't forget to Like and subscribe and follow The Road Leads Back to Me. You can expect weekly episodes where we talk about real life stuff. And I help you get back to the person that you deserve to be.
