Speaker #0hello folks welcome back to the podcast um i feel like today we're gonna try to go back to what normally is discussed on here which is maybe not the most interesting things um i feel like one of the the main things i wanted to talk about i probably should have like at least look this up on google i you know how i bring up toxic masculinity today i've been thinking a lot of like is there a like toxic femininity like is there an environment that brings like the same stuff out where like you're ostracized or you're shamed if you don't do xyz for blah Which I feel like it's not as aggressive for females, but I feel like it's definitely still there. So here's what I think happens. I think there's a lot of people who are raised in a specific environment that literally changes how they view themselves and how they're supposed to act. I think it's also reinforced when they step out in society in specific environments when they're also doing the same thing. so i feel like um i don't know what the answer is because it's the same thing with toxic masculinity where if you're not doing these behaviors even unhealthy behaviors to you in others it's almost like you're left out of this exclusive club of belonging which is kind crazy when you think about it like it's not healthy it's not a good thing it sounds very toxic but it's something that we feed into because it's oh you do this or you you don't belong and i feel like most i feel like there's some environments that you could find but like i feel like in specific environments it's like a catalyst for this like toxic toxicity I don't know. And I don't know what the solution to do with it is. Do we just ignore it because it's the product of something that is not really your fault? Or do we just go for it head on and be like, no, this is not something that we're going to accept. This is not behavior we're going to accept. But if you're the only one that's doing that, I don't feel like you're probably just going to end up alone in your room. i always have like this huge not i wouldn't say pet peeve i have this issue with doing things to be cool like i i understand people like don't want to be ridiculed but i always have like that theory of like people are going to talk about you in a specific way no matter what you do so you might as well do whatever you want to do Because I'm just like, okay, well, we can conform and we can change to what these people say. And they're still going to talk shit about us. But now we're changing who we are for someone else. Which, it can be empty. Because if that goes away, if that's just a very surface-level relationship, then what do you have? you've now like changed yourself for someone that's not really gonna be there if that's something you should do in the first place like i don't want to give a bad advice of like putting people in like sticky situations but i don't want to shame people for doing things that maybe we don't understand on what the best decision could be in the stance so i don't know my stance on toxic femininity. I don't normally have female friends. Like, I had one best friend growing up, and then I had another friend who happened to be her little sister. So it was like, I was never around, and we were like always like the other people. It was never like the popular kids. So I never understood, I was never in that environment of like, okay, we need to do this to survive. Like, you know that. make it or break it type of energy it was just not there so i don't really have that much experience with dealing with that i have experience with dealing with like horrific people but it's never someone where i'm just like okay i have to see this person i have to be in this environment i can't leave and these are the only people that i know Like, I feel like mostly my go-to is I'm gonna be alone, which is not the best solution, definitely not for your mental health. Like, my always thing is, like, I'm just gonna be your local, the local cat lady that just sits in their apartment at home. Or, like, the old man that's like, get off my yard, because you're fucking trespassing. That's not me, but... I feel like that's the energy of I'm I kind of don't have anyone that cares about me in this world or anyone that I care about so I'm just gonna be alone and then you become cynical and I don't know I don't think it's the goal but I feel like I don't I don't avoid people well I do avoid people gosh I avoid conflict like a son of a bitch because i have basically i have two reactions of i'm either gonna have a breakdown or i'm going to like react in a very bad way that maybe is not good for my character so i don't like that i don't like either one of them of like going to those extremes and then people like you're a sensitive person maybe i am a sensitive person but like i don't know I can deal with it to a certain extent of there's so many different things of like your current mental state of like how long you've known how long you've known this person, you know, and how many people are acting like this. Like there's so that's my number one. Even if I like despise the person, I don't despise people. Like even if someone's like annoying the heck out of me or really like being like really rude to me. I if I see a bunch of people ganging up on someone like it gets to me like if I see like a whole room of people and like they're all on this one even if the person like a hundred percent deserves it and we're not talking about like actual crimes here but like if everyone is doing that I'm like there's they're not oh my god I turned the mic off they're not even sorry they're not even going to uh they're not even going to be listening to you so even if you are like in the right Everyone just attacking you and being like, you're wrong, you're wrong, you've done wrong. Everything that you're saying is like going one ear out the other. No one has processed what is being said because everyone is just teaming up on them for whatever reason. And so I feel like whenever I see that, I always want to like pick up for the stick up for the person because I'm just like, I don't think anyone deserves that type of treatment. I don't think it's just. And I don't think everyone realized, I don't think people are like, okay, we're gonna go down to the village with fucking torches and pitchforks at midnight. I don't think that's happening. But I feel like when, let's just say, for whatever reason, someone triggers your emotions or someone you love gets triggered, so you get triggered. Like, there's so many reasons on why it could be happening. If it happens to everyone at once and they're all ganging up on someone, I don't, I don't know. It really rubs me the wrong way. Because I literally just want to jump in and be like, oh my god. I'm sorry, everyone is literally kicking the shit out of you right now. I don't, I don't, I don't like that. And I've been a part of it before. And it's literally like, when I notice everyone else is like, okay, we're all piling on right now. Then maybe I'm like, okay, let's. take a step back because literally what we're all doing right now is just letting our frustration out there's there's like the two reasons of like okay which we've probably discussed before i'm doing this to make myself feel better versus am i doing this to uh to make a change to prove a point to um actually teach someone a lesson like that's so fucked up Because one, we're not people's parents. And two, if your parent is doing that, I am sorry. That's horrible. Like, I don't think that's any way to teach someone. I think that's someone that you have to, I think there's very specific people to do this with. Of like, I'm not understanding where you're coming from, so let me try to paint a picture for you. I feel like people take that, are very liberal with it, and um, I don't know. I don't think that always needs to happen. I guess the moral of the story is let's all hope that we were born in a good environment and that we move to a good environment. And if we're stuck in a bad environment, I guess, I don't know. I don't want to say like self-isolate and just because that's my go-to. But I feel like, I don't know. I don't think we have to go to one extreme to the other. Where we're either completely self-isolating or we're... bringing ourselves out of character to a point where we don't like who we are so i i don't know i feel like finding that middle ground is my goal also my goal is to get out of my comfort zone i i think i had i said that this year of literally i want to i want to start doing stuff because i literally have the idea the idea of like okay we're not meant to be in comfort 24 7 It's not meant for us to be literally like, okay, you're never stressed out. You're never anxious. You're never dealing with a death. You're never like, that's not going to happen. That's obviously the frequency and the amount is different for different people. But we're always going to deal with it. That's just how life operates. So I feel like I've really come with the grips of, okay, well, we have to be, I have to get comfortable with becoming uncomfortable for like certain. like in certain times you know what i mean of like well we can't i can't always feel i have to sometimes just stomach through it and do things that are i want to do but it's hard for me to do which is my basically goal of like i'm gonna try to push myself to like leave my comfort zone and do things that are uncomfortable fear of judgment and ridicule i don't know I think that's my fault. Can you hear the AC in the background? Like, oh my god, I'm sorry if you can't hear me. I, oh my god, I also just spent three days doing my hair for Passion Twists. You guys cannot see this because, sadly, it's not video podcast anymore, but I, my hair is fully in Passion Twists right now, and I'm kind of unhappy with how it looks. Like, 100% unhappy there's so many things that I fucked up with one I put like so much of my hair is like so much so I sectioned too much of it I sectioned it like too many pieces so now there's too much hair which is causing issues like massively and then it was too long and so it's like uneven and I wanted to cut it but I'm honestly I don't really care about the uneven part there's so many things I'm just like, I wanted to do it. to be perfect i wanted it to look amazing it's supposed to last for like a long time so if it looks horrible it's gonna look horrible forever oh my god and then the maintenance i'm trying to like not keep it i'm trying to keep it nice and not have it frizzy and i already frizzed it out within like two days of putting it on nice oh my god uh and i was i was also supposed to like attach these other like hair pieces like curl pieces and i decided not to because i didn't want those to get so freaking damaged as well and then now i'm dealing with that on top of this i don't know i'm deciding on if i should put some in or not but um this is my hair my hair journey i'm currently doing the action twist i would suggest it literally i would suggest like doing like a bob style because it's just gonna take long it's gonna take um quicker amount of time i can't speak and um yeah it's it's honestly gonna look better so like just do bigger pieces of the sections and do a bob style is definitely what i would do next time or just a little bit shorter i like the long hair because i like it literally i don't know it makes your body look good at the same time but it's a lot of effort. It took me like over 18 hours in total to do it and it was over three days so i could have literally crammed in well obviously you need to sleep but i honestly could have stayed up and just did it in one day which i don't know i've been i've been sleeping a lot lately and uh i normally how i normally operate like a hundred percent like kamara kamara um is i can't sleep because i'm so wired but thinking of things so i feel like if i got like something to get hooked on like a show or video series online i could just like do it no problem but it was just not a fun experience next time i would change those things of just like try to do it in one day of sectioning better and just saying everything twice i would just change a lot now i'm just trying to get comfortable the fact that like i don't really like how it looks but it's gonna stay so i'm just like i don't think anyone's gonna be see me? I don't know. I don't want like anyone to impress and that's my fear of like if someone saw me right now I would be so embarrassed but I like it this is why you should go to a salon because I can't do this but I tried and it wasn't that bad it wasn't yeah I'm definitely probably gonna do it again honestly just change that because it was a chore it was a freaking chore the hardest part being the parting and then doing it the back of your head i got a three-way mirror but i i still i still could not see the back of my head and to this day i don't know what the back of my head looks like so like i i could probably try to look in the mirror i think it turned out okay you but i i wish the sectioning was better and there's not many things i'm not a hairstylist okay i'm trying with everything oh my god The other thing I wanted to talk about is something that's literally been on my mind because I've seen so much of it. Like I've been like literally just I've literally been watching so much content. It's I feel so crazy. But literally what I've been thinking of like the argument of you choosing your partner and your partner being considered too privileged for you to be with you, if you know what I mean. I feel like when I think about this and I'm trying to like break it down like analytically and think of what is the issue here. I think the problem is the fact that it's a choice. So people are always like on a huffy. They don't want to be called privileged. They don't like being around privileged. Like privilege is just like a no, no, no. So I feel like when someone's like, OK, this is a choice. That's also a huge thing. So I feel like when someone's like, OK, you chose someone that was. privileged i feel like it becomes a big issue but then i break it down and i'm like okay so if you fell in love with someone you're not supposed to get with them just because they're privileged like that that's like the the message we're trying to send out like obviously like if you're in a line like if you see like a line of people and you're like i don't know which one is perking my interest like it that's a dude like and completely different conversation. Like, we're talking about who you're attracted to, who you, who you're wanting to pursue. I'm talking about you're already in love. So, if you're already in love with a person, and then you literally are, like, someone is literally, like, in your ear being, like, but they're way too privileged to be with you, that makes no, like, it makes no sense to me. That literally makes no sense to me. Because I'm like, okay, are we going to do this? Are we making this decision with our hearts? Are we making this with our brains? Because in my head, if you fall in love with like the most freaking, just someone that people in your life are like not comfortable with, I would still be like, okay, but this is still love. That would be my end all question of like, Do you love this person, yes or no? Or are you just trying to pursue this person? And then that's a different, that's also a conversation that should be had. I don't think it's a conversation of like, are you attracted to this person, right? I think it's like the conversation of we're trying to pursue people and while you're trying to pursue someone, you get distracted by someone else. So like, how is that? fair and i agree that that is also i don't think that's something that should be done i don't think this is i don't know i don't think it's all a choice here's my thoughts on something that i'm super uninformed with but like if i'm interested in someone i don't know you you it's not no one's going to be able to like bring up here's another option it's not going to happen Uh, yeah, I feel like you have to, for me personally, you would have to catch me in my like single era of wanting to. keep it casual which i feel like everyone i i feel like people are stuck in that rate they're stuck in that stage and they don't want to be stuck in that stage i'm definitely stuck in that stage and i don't want to be stuck in that stage and um i've been i don't know i think uh it's hard because you're in there i feel like we don't want to get into the conversation of like settling but i feel like there's periods of time when you're certain you're just like i just want to be with someone i it's not a specific person you're just like i don't want to be alone which is it's not really good to hear if you're the other person let's be real but i feel like i don't know i'm not gonna judge the person that's gonna be like i don't want to be alone like i don't think that's something that I'm going to judge on. but personally i would rather be alone than with someone that i don't i don't want to be with and i'm so picky that i'm just like number one it's not even like a checklist for me where someone's like okay you have to have these attributes the number one thing for me is like okay do i have a connection with someone do i have feelings for someone like that over anything will always like to It's so weird for me because like, I don't know. I don't know. It's so hard for me to get to that level of like, okay, I'm connecting with you. And then I feel something. I guess I'm just an emotionless robot. My point is really trailing on at this point. I guess it's just like so hard when communication is the issue. Because whether it's like hard or not, let's be real. When you're not able to communicate, like so many issues just pop up. So many misunderstandings. So many things of like, okay, this could have been solved if we were able to do this. And it sucks because I have like literally the worst communication issues known to man. It's literally the reason why I've probably been alone for so long. But like at the same time, it's... I don't know. It's so, I'm so hard. I'm not a person to be like, okay, I'm going to go try to find, to try to, you know, find new people to hang out with. And then the people that I do know is like, it's so, my issue, when I, I know I get a lot of shticked for like saying I'm not friends with people, but I feel like, cause my, it's so surface level, not a rude thing. It's just like. Okay, I've never spent really like alone time with this person. I've never had like an actual conversation with this person. And then I feel like, okay, I'm not trying to be rude, but I wish I was more comfortable with people. I wish I was able to call someone a friend. I wish I was able to like just like freely talk to people more. I feel like, I don't know. i i don't know i feel like this is just like turned into huge therapy session and i think i need to change the topic oh i got a treadmill it's nice because i can just like go on whenever i want to i don't have to like wait until marcus wants to go to like go out for a walk or something I don't know. I feel like it's so weird because there's so many people that like dread it. And I dread like strength training away. And I'm just repeating what I talked about my soundcheck. But I literally I I despise I despise weight so much, like so much. I've been getting like so energized by cardio. And I don't know, like the fact of having routine. I know it's like not cool. but i literally it makes me feel so like complete which i don't know i don't know i've been feeling so much better and um mentally and physically i don't know it's a weird thing to add i was watching a movie last night and like one a bunch of shit was popping up in my head one of the weird things that popped up in my head i was literally like i don't know if anyone has ever had like a a prom before. It's the lamest thing. But I literally like never I never went to prom in my in my life. I never went to a school dance. I feel like the only school dance I went to um I feel like was like uh sixth grade. No yeah no must have been like sixth grade and it wasn't even like a dance. It was like okay meet at the school after school and then we just drink soda. So I guess I don't know that could be the existence of a school dance. but i was literally i'm like someone should literally do like a bucket list idea of like doing a bunch of list of things they do before they die and it was literally the only thing i could i could think about at the time was just like they should it was like someone should literally like throw a prom i'm like they should literally throw like an adult prom was the was my process going through another really embarrassing fact Okay, here it goes. So, like, I'm super into, like, TV shows and movies, obviously. But, like, it was always... Because, like, the cooler... Going back to, like, the toxic... I don't even know. I think this was, like, just basic toxic masculinity. I don't think this is femininity at all. But it was, like, it's... Because it was, like, so uncool to do anything that was, like, stereotypically, like, a woman. So, like... cooking or like cleaning anything that's like a housewife basically so watching anything where it was like a chick flick or any of like the things that a woman was like supposed to watch was like something that was like so it's just like not cool so we would always watch like all the stuff that was like very like tomboyish is very action star and very like rough and gore not like gore but like more honestly more action so obviously i grew up i grew up watching like some of the marvel stuff like not before like they had the huge like huge insurgent with like avengers that everyone and their mother was watching i'm gonna be a little bit embarrassed to admit this because i classify myself as as like a nerd or a geek so i i literally should have watched this but i've never the only the only marvel movie for avengers i've only seen i've not seen any of the latest ones like literally any of them i hate it so much i was going to do like a rewatch i'm like okay i'm going to take the list of all of the marvel movies and i'm going to like watch all of them at once in order and then i didn't because i kept losing it not that they're uninteresting they're so good i was just so interested in something else that i was literally like okay i'm not gonna watch this right now but i hate myself because i know how good they are i know how everyone is literally like raving about them people who don't even like watch movies like that so then i kick myself i'm like who has not seen it at this point like everyone has seen it at this point that's so like almost anything i have such a weird i either know something like so obscure that no one knows. or something that's so mainstream that like everyone should know i would be like literally like no i haven't seen that yet and everyone always looks at me like are you serious this is literally like a movie of like telling someone you haven't seen star wars the everyone is literally like how have you not seen this this is literally like a classic i'm ashamed about that because uh i'm very proud about not trying to be cool which is the most pathetic thing that has ever came out of my mouth. I remember one time, oh my god, this is, this, I have, I've had some embarrassing moments, but this is one that I can laugh at, and I'm, I'm comfortable to laugh at, and, okay, so we had, like, this, like, DV rental place in town, and I don't know if anyone can, like, look up the, the, um, the year that magic mike came out in theaters but i was born in 1999 i don't know if anyone can do that math but i literally i i was like waiting for this movie to come out like literally waiting i had i was obsessed with like she's the man growing up um not that that movie has literally anything to do with this but i don't know what had i don't know why i think i just saw the trailer and i was so young at the point it was a little bit weird that i was literally like i have to see magic we went into the video demand a video on demand store because i didn't understand how movies worked and for some reason i thought that because i saw the trailer for the movie it's already going to be out on dvd which is not how it worked and so i literally i asked my brother at the time to literally go up to the store clerk and ask them if they have magic mike and he was literally like hell no i'm not gonna ask him for magic like which is ridiculous but i ended up having to go up to the store clerk about myself and i was so young and i literally asked him i'm like do you guys have magic mike i was probably not that young but you know, I was so innocent in the bubble of not realizing, and the clerk just literally laughed at me, was just like, no, it's not even out in theaters, and I felt so, like, literally, I never was aware of the embarrassment, so, like, most of the time, I look back now, and I'm like, okay, I'm feeling it now, but most of the time, I would not realize it, like, not necessarily how you should feel like i wasn't aware of like i wasn't thinking oh my god this is gonna go bad so many things are gonna happen so i was just willing to go for it i feel like when this happened it was one of the first times where i was like oh that went horrible like when i auditioned for all of her twist and i couldn't sing i literally got in the room full like i don't 20 kids and a couple adults. you basically just have to sing in front of everyone to get the role and i could not sing at all somehow i got a rule because they were just like giving a rule to everyone and it was just like one of the you had no solo lines at all it was all group stuff but you had a it was basically because it was a play you had to spend so much time there and we were kids it was basically like it was like so involved but it was just so embarrassing because i'm like back then i did not give a so i was just catawalling just screaming like singing really bad and i didn't even realize oh god but now i would literally be like shell-shocked like i'm so in my head it's now a bad thing like i know we need it sometimes but i'm so much in my head that i'm just like okay this is gonna ruin stuff i'm too anxious oh here's something that i wanted to talk about which i feel like Everyone gets the brunt of, even if they don't do, which is like excuse versus explanation. I feel like people get so tired whenever they say why something hasn't... They say basically the explanation, and they'll get the gist of, I don't want to hear your excuses, blah And it pisses me off so much because I'm just like, okay, but this isn't an excuse. You're asking for the reason of why and I'm telling you and you're trying to make it seem like this is me trying to explain it away. And I'm trying to explain, not explain, I'm trying to say the thing of what excuse is. Excuse, let me explain it to you. That's so rude. What excuse in my eyes I view it as is literally someone using it as like escape. goat so literally like someone who you know it let's say like my my foot hurts which it does and so um i'm off of painkillers or something i just walked like five miles and now i can't walk that's the explanation of why i'm sitting down right that makes it makes sense it doesn't mean it's like okay this is the truth someone could still be up a bit Someone could come up to me and be like, well, you shouldn't have gone on the walk then. You know what I mean? But the excuse would be like, okay, I'm sitting on the chair and then I'm just telling you it's because my foot hurts, but my foot doesn't hurt. So then now they're going, okay, but you're just using that as the excuse. You're basically using it as the scapegoat for whatever reason you want to do. Which does like literally like. my fake angry noise oh my god pisses me off um i don't know it really it pisses me off because like i don't people always use the because of that they use the oh my god don't make an excuse scenario and at the same time i know i'm always just like okay but this isn't why this is happening i know this is not why this is happening but it's it's kind of ridiculous it's literally i don't know i think it's something of like you could harp on it if you're gonna be that if you're choosing to like obviously you can't choose to like have stuff stay in your brain but um this is just a mumble this is really just a mumble of a podcast i freaking apologize so this is gonna be a short one and i thought that we could start with maybe just ending with a question that i scoured the internet for i don't know if that's weird or not but i i thought i liked I saw this one and I'm like, you know what? I like this. And it sounds like it's so staged because I'm just like, I literally just picked a question that I wanted to answer. But the question that I found definitely did not fake find. Would you pursue someone that is actively pursuing others? And I feel like this is a question of our generation, ain't it? I don't know why I'm speaking like that. Um, here's how I personally feel about this. Because I feel like, oh my god, this is so tricky. Because I feel like it depends on how you feel, right? Because I feel like once, like, the L word is involved, all hands, like, all bets are off. It's getting crazy. But I feel like, I don't know. I'm definitely in a place that if if I knew the person was literally like secure and I don't know. Here my problem would be is someone's going to probably start belittling you to make someone else feel better. And that's probably going to be my like ugh. Especially when, like, you start sleeping with someone and then they start degrading you for someone else. Like, it's not the best feeling. So I feel like if everyone was able to be, like, mature, and that's such an impossible task to ask. Because when feelings are involved, it's such, like, emotional response. So I feel like it's such a hard thing to try to tackle. I feel like you could be able to do it. I feel like there's a scenario where it would personally be okay. Yeah, I feel like if I had my own place and I was just hooking up with people casually, I would be fine with it. But I feel like in my circumstances right now, it's very, very unattainable. I feel like at the point I am right now, which sucks, I literally either have to just abstain or go all in, which is crazy, which is why I'm abstaining. But I thought we would end there. This is going to be, as I said, a very, very smaller podcast. I apologize. I just I honestly was not I was watching way too many videos this week. I was not thinking of any questions. normally i'm literally like i'll watch stuff and things will just pop up in my head i'm like okay i gotta talk about this i gotta talk about this and then by the time the podcast comes there's like so many things i want to talk about and there hasn't been that much so i think it's a lot of the times because i've been talking to snapchat a lot so i think yeah and i'm not gonna stop keep talking about my plans on what i want to do so go check out my snapchat if you want to see me i tried I do post daily now. It might be like a little bit. It might be a lot. But I think I've started posting daily almost. Yeah. Every day. So go follow me on Snapchat if you want to see me. If you just want to see me. No judgment. All my links will be down below if you're on YouTube. And I will see you guys next week with hopefully a better podcast.
