Speaker #0Welcome to It's Both, the podcast where we explore the messy, beautiful contradictions of being human. I'm your host, Nikki P, and each week I sit down with real people navigating life's complexities, those moments when life isn't just one thing, it's so many. And this week I am coming to you solo again. As we get into this podcast, it's been three months now since the very first episode released. And honestly, gosh, so much has happened in those first few months. I can say that I have learned a lot. It's been so fun, so exciting. And also, it is a lot, y'all. It is a lot to produce a podcast, to interview people, to be present, to edit, to add intros, outros. the ads. It's just, it's so much. And I think this is just one of those examples of how everywhere I look in my life, it is both, right? It's this tension and not tension in a negative way, but the tension of going, what a fun experience, what a life-giving experience, what a way that I am able to find myself. And yet it is also really tiring. It can be really confusing. I am so new all of this, to be honest with you. I don't know what it's quite supposed to be like, and I think that that's okay. And I'm trying to learn how to be okay with that and just kind of fumble my way through and figure it out as I go and trying to do that in the most authentic way as possible. Because I want this podcast to be helpful for me, to be life-giving for me, and to help build my own internal capacity around sitting with the tension or the duality in life, the paradox of things in life. and I want it to be. be that for everyone else as well. And so I think just because of that and the nature of that, it's going to ebb and flow. It's going to change. And I love that. It's going to look really different. And I think that's a really cool piece, but also I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know best practices and that's okay. That is okay. And I'm saying that out loud to help me believe it because I'm not quite there yet. everything in me wants it to be figured out. I sometimes... struggle with. I'm much more a forward thinker, so I'm a future thinker, which is great. Here we go again, both, right? It's great. And also sometimes it takes away from being present in just the process. I think one of the reasons cooking for me is not my favorite other than just the fact that it takes a lot of time and I haven't built up my capacity there to be good at it, to be quick at it, is that the process isn't super fun. And I'm... I'm working on enjoying the process of things, the experience of things a bit more. And rather than just kind of focusing on what is the end result, where is it going to be when it's what it needs to be. And so I'm trying to shift my thinking from that. So that's kind of one of the things that I am processing a lot lately. And I think the other thing I'm thinking about too, as I sit here talking to each of you is I love this. I think this is, you know, such a life-giving experience for me to talk to other people and hear their stories and hear about how multiple thoughts, feelings, and experiences can kind of be held together as one. And so many of these stories are so nuanced, right? Which I love. I think I came into this thinking, okay, We're going to... hit all the major topics, right? Like what is it for relationships? What is it for politics? What is it for parenting? What is it for work? And some of those topics we will hit and have hit. But I think what's interesting about where on the journey in the last three months is that it's really funny to see how when I first talk about this idea, it feels like it resonates with people and people go, yes, I know what you mean. I love that idea. I get it. And then I asked them about how that's shown up in their life. And when I'm talking to guests about, you know, coming to share their experience, it's really funny how even the people that this resonates with, when you start to ask them about how that's shown up in their life, everybody kind of gets a little bit of a freeze, like this, like deer in the headlights kind of look, which I did as well. And I still sometimes do, but it's like, wait, I don't actually know how does that show up? And it's kind of taken some time. for people to really dig into how you tell your story around that. And I think that's kind of great because through that, we've found these really nuanced stories that aren't super clear. It's not the most black and white contradictory ideas that are being held all at wants, but it is. all the kind of the stuff in the messy middle and how you navigate that and how each person navigates it, which is really interesting. It's really cool to see. It's also really cool to see how people even identify it, recognize it and give it language, which is super interesting. And I think that's a really important piece of when we think about how we navigate the world, the language that we use is so important. It makes such a difference, right? And I think we discount that so much of the time. But I really love how through meeting people, how through hearing conversations, through hearing stories, what's really cool is I've had such a mixture of having really good friends, people that I'm really close with that I know parts of their stories, but I've never really had conversations with them in this way about the bothness, right? Or had them talk about their story or their experience. Now, some of them I have just by nature of like, they are very close friends. I know them. I've known some of this, but a lot of them, no. And it's been a mixture of friends, people that I've known, co-workers, as well as people that I've never met before, but I've heard a little bit of their story and gone, yes, this is so impactful. This needs to be seen and heard. And people that I've reached out to that I've already felt really connected and impacted by some work that they've been doing and just kind of hearing their story. And so I love the mixture of the experiences and the people and the scenarios that I have just kind of gotten to experience as. by nature of having a podcast and inviting people on. And there's some really, really incredible interviews coming up that I have recorded that have not been published yet. And so in the next month, I'm really excited for some of these folks as we get past the three months mark. It is a lot more people that aren't necessarily in my very close circle, but that I'm really excited for others to hear their story because it's new to me as well. And as I sit here today thinking about what I want to share with each of you and kind of process together, even though I know you're not here with me live. But my hope is that especially in these solo episodes, it gives you a chance to, if you don't already know me, know me a little bit more. Learn a bit about who I am, my personality, my quirks, what I'm kind of like in processing, and also to give some real life context to how I think about this idea of bothness in everyday life. I think a lot of the stories that we hear and that we tell others are sort of those big moments or big key identifying experiences for us, right? Like becoming a parent, huge shift. And so I think what I wanted to pair with those moments is what does it actually look like day to day for people? And I can only speak from my own experience, which is once I've started to view the world in this way of it's not black and white, it's not either. or it's not this or that. Almost never. Again, here it is both. I feel like a broken record, right? But it's almost no experience or conversation I have or situation that I'm in. I'm hearing people talk. I'm hearing discussions. I'm hearing experiences and feelings. And I'm going, ah, I can see that side of it. And yet also, I wonder what's happening on the flip side of that. I wonder what's happening over here. I wonder what's happening with that other person. And it's kind of awakened. The idea in me, you know, Pandora's box has been opened. And once you open it, there really isn't going back into the way you used to view the world. When I think about how that's shown up in my life, you know, I've talked about parenting, which I'm sure I will continually talk about because that's just like a forever thing. I'm forever a parent and it will always be a struggle to be the best parent I can be. It takes a lot of hard work and intention. So I'm sure I will continue to talk about that. But I've also talked about grief. I've talked about friendships changing and what that's looked like for me. And what I'm really sitting with right now is I am, for those of you who aren't really super close to me and don't kind of know all of what's happening in my life, I think I shared a little bit in my last solo episode, but there are a lot of forks in the road in this upcoming year for me, for my husband, my family. There's a lot of decisions that need to be made. There's a lot of things that need to happen. and movement that needs to happen for us as a family, which I will talk about as we get closer to that point. But I say all that to say the both of what is showing up for me right now has been, I have to balance the sense of both getting a lot of shit done. Like just to be totally honest, I work full time. I have this podcast and the podcast is, I think, as I said earlier, So much more than just sitting down and hitting record. Like there are so many pieces that go into it and time and intention and effort. And I am not a social media. person. I'm not, I don't know how people do the really fun edits to videos. Like, I don't know, somebody wants to come help me out with that for free. Let me know. But it's definitely not my strong suit. So it's kind of something I try to do. And you know, creating a brand and colors and things that you post because you want it to be good. You want it to be cohesive. You want it to speak, you know, what you want it to speak. So there's all these things that come right with podcasting in addition to having a full-time job, in addition to being a parent and a wife and maintaining friendships. And in addition to a lot of these major life shifts that me and the family are looking at navigating over the next year. And there's a lot that needs to prepare for that. And in the midst of all that, there are a lot of trips, like probably the most trips we've ever had where either me or Bennett or our whole family is leaving town. flying or driving at least once a month. And then we've got people at least once a month coming to visit us. I've got conferences. There's just so many moving pieces in addition to all these other things we are trying to navigate as a family and prepare for as a family, which is just a lot. There's not time for it all. And I was processing it the other day, and I hope some of this resonates with you all when I go, when you're feeling overwhelmed, which is how I'm feeling right now. There's too many things on the to-do list. There's too many things. There's not enough time. I'm starting to get that sense of tightness and anxiety and stress in my body and my chest and my mind where I'm kind of like, I can't get a deep breath. And I'm like, I just got to get all this. I got to get all this done. And like, if there is a second, if there's a break in whatever it is, the day or the evening with the kids, and I fill it with, what can I knock off the to-do list? Which isn't bad. I mean, when you... when you think about being productive, when you think about utilizing your time while I'm not sitting on social media, scrolling for hours, I am truly doing what I can do to get my stuff done, to utilize my time well, because I am a mom. I'm a mom of three young kids. I'm a working mom. And technically I kind of have two jobs now with this, as well as what I do full time at my other job. And there's a lot of mental, like I just am holding all of the mental load and capacity right now. And I have to, and I go, you know, in processing this alone and with my therapist and some friends, I'm like, logically, when you get in a space like that, where it's too much, it's overwhelming. There's too many things like there's not enough time. What do you do? You assess and you go, what can I trim off? What can I let go of? Too many plates are spinning in the air. I got to let go of something. But what happens when you can't let go of them? None of them are things you can let go. And that's kind of where I'm at. Everything that we're planning for as a family, I can't not do those things. I can't not do my full-time job right now. I could let go of podcasting. That's not a necessity in my life, but it is the one thing that I'm doing for me, for my creative outlet. It's just something, it's the thing I want to do. And so when I think about what I can cut, I go, that's the thing I can cut, but am I willing to cut it? What's the payoff versus the downside of going? Do you want a little bit more stillness and quietness in your life right now, but then you don't get the fulfillment, the passion, the excitement, the outlet of this creative venture? Or do you push through and go, you know what? This is just going to be this phase of life for the next year. There's an end date. We know things are going to be changing in a year. Do you just push through and acknowledge that this is just where we're at? This is where I'm at. And I don't. I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. And I think I'm just sitting with that tension right now of going, there are all these things that I'm choosing to keep. One, because nine out of 10 of them are just necessary. I don't have a choice. And the one thing I could let go of, I don't think I can let go of it. I think that would be denying myself. But if I'm choosing to hold on to it, there is going to be a lot more pressure and time expected of me in that sense. And so then the tension and the bothness becomes, how do you balance the both and? of I have this nonstop to-do list. I have so much shit I have to get done with going. I'm also on this journey of healing and finding myself and finding my voice and tapping back into who I am as an individual and practicing stillness and meditation and quieting the mind, quieting the body, reconnecting with my body. I think I've talked about that a lot on this podcast here and there. But how do you balance the two things? I mean, really, that's the tension and the bothness right now for me is going, I got to get this stuff done. There's only so much time in the day. I've got to be like, if you can't hear me snapping, I got to be like, utilize my time well. And also, how do I put that on pause and be present with my partner? How do I put that on pause and be present with my family and my kids? How do I be present in my job, be present in podcasting and put away all the other stuff for that moment? How do I then just stop it all and quiet myself, even think, even process without like something to do? I don't know the answer. I think I am in the middle of fumbling around to figure it out. because the way I've always operated is kind of in that. I do not have high energy, but that sort of crisis mode of you just push through and you just get it done and you just get it done and you don't have a choice and you don't slow down because you can't. And some of that's true, but some of it isn't true. So trying to navigate that normal way of thinking for me, because what I think I tend to do is go, okay, if I can push through for two weeks, then I can get all these things done and I'll have a bit of breathing room or If I can push through and make myself really do all this stuff in the next month, then I'll get ahead of it. And then I won't be so behind. The thing is, that never happens. It never gets ahead. And so I'm constantly in the state of, well, I'll just make it another two weeks. Oh, I'll just make it another month. And that's the cycle I'm trying to break. And so I am sitting here navigating this just really hard phase of managing true self-care. managing boundaries, speaking up for my wants and my needs and my desires and my rest, and also going, I got to put some of that aside and get my stuff done because we just need as a family. And so again, I don't actually know the answer here. This is definitely not a podcast where I come on and I go, you're feeling overwhelmed. Here are three tips to get you through the day. Those are great. I'm all for those podcasts, but I also... I'm like, I don't know. Some of us just don't know. Okay. And even if we do know, it doesn't mean we can put it into practice. How many times have we all heard all the information out there about self-care? I mean, we've all heard it. And yet that doesn't mean we put it into practice. That doesn't mean that operationalizing those ideas becomes easy. It's so hard. And I think that's where I'm just in the middle of it. It's like, I know all the things that everybody in experts and... psychologists and even as a therapist myself that I would tell a client who was in my shoes. But when it comes down to practicing it, it's a really big shift and there isn't a perfect formula for it. It's kind of just, I think of being on a wave or in a boat where it kind of just, I know you might not be able to see me, but you kind of lean one way and then it comes back around the other way and then you lean one way and then maybe... The water gets really choppy. So there's this period where you're all on the left side because you can't get your footing and there's no rhyme or reason to it. But eventually it does ebb and flow back and forth. It's just sometimes hard to know, is this a point where I need to take a break or is this a point where I need to overcome it and push through it and do the thing and then I can break? And I think what I'm trying to lean into, I'm definitely a verbal processor if you have not already figured that out. And if you are a friend of mine, you're like, sure is. She talks me through everything. And I might not even tell her any advice. She just kind of comes to it on her own from talking to me. That's just how I typically work. But that's where I'm at. And I think the best solution that I have is to go when in doubt, take a minute and take a breath and take a pause. But that's really hard for me. Like, is that, you know, I don't know if that's hard for anyone else listening, but it's definitely really hard for me because it. It feels like the thing I can let go of, even though it's not. It needs to be the necessity that I do ensure and protect with everything that I have. But just realistically, it's not. It's the thing that goes. So as I navigate this time, and if this is resonating with you, like as you're navigating whatever that looks like for you, the tension between here are all the things that I'm holding here, all the plates that are spinning that I'm responsible for. the things I have to get done, the things I can't let go of that are asking a lot of my time, attention, and capacity, and also balancing that with resting, boundaries, self-care, practicing stillness, practicing presence and breathing, and reconnecting with body, mind, spirit, nature, whatever that might look like for you. I do think we have to get back to reconnecting to our gut and our just innate souls. And I don't even mean regardless of your spiritual beliefs. We have souls and we have something within us that does have intuition, that gut feeling, and we all have it. We all have the ability to tune into it or to turn it off. And so I think the best thing I can say in this moment that I am trying to practice more of is, I don't know the right answer. I don't always know if it's the time to push through or to pause. I don't. But my gut knows, my body knows. And if I can give it the time to stay with me here, y'all, because I know this sounds a little woo-woo. But if I can give myself permission to pause and ask myself as if I were a third person or some different entity and going, what? do you need? What does your body need? What does your soul need right now? It knows. And our brains are really good at overriding it because that's how you get through crisis. That's how you manage when things are overwhelming. You can't pause oftentimes. And that's such a wonderful thing of our brains, like keeps us alive, keeps us great, keeps us moving forward, protects us. And yet staying in that state is not. good. It's not sustainable. It's not how we're meant to live. And so giving ourselves permission to pause and just ask ourselves as crazy as it sounds, that is the best thing that I've got right now. So as my accountability partners here on It's Both, what I would say to you and ask of you this week is give yourself permission. Give yourself permission to pause. Give yourself permission to be still. Give yourself permission to be quiet and alone with your own self, as uncomfortable as that might be. And I mean no movies, no social media, no doing anything. Just sit down and give yourself permission to reconnect and give yourself permission to ask your own self, what do you need in this moment? What do you want in this moment? And then just listen. Don't judge. Don't scoff. Whatever comes to your body, your soul, your mind, that immediate, whatever that feeling is, whatever comes to you. It's obviously, I think a lot of people when they think about this think that you're going to hear words that come to you or some voice that's going to speak to you or your internal monologue. That's not what I mean. Whatever comes to you and you'll know what I mean when it happens. That's the thing that you need in that moment. So. For me in practicing this, it's going, what do I actually need right now? And that is the work of reconnecting with ourselves and being able to stand on a surfboard or a paddleboard in the ocean that is constantly moving and you never know which way it's going to go. And you don't know if it's a time to push through or to pause. And when that happens, ask yourself. Take five minutes. It's not even that long, which I know it feels like a long time. It's honestly really hard for me as well, but this is something I am working on. So I hope you give yourself permission this week to pause, to be still, to be quiet, and simply to ask yourself, what do you need? What do you want and what do you need in this moment? Not long-term, not future-oriented, but right now, what do you need? Do you need to get X, Y, Z things done? Will that give you relief and peace? Or do you just need it because that's just, you don't have a choice right now. You got to do it. Or do you need to take a second? Do you need to take a walk around the block? Do you need to sit on your bed and do nothing? Do you need to get on the phone with a friend and just hear their voice or vent? Figure out what you need. And I think that helps you navigate what time it is. And you know, are we pushing through right now or are we pausing? And who knows? Who knows? But I think practicing the pause. is the most important thing. And that's all that I can do right now. Y'all that is, that is bare minimum of where I am at right now is not some fancy technique. It is not some step, you know, three-step system to conquering X, Y, Z. I think some of that is so gimmicky, to be honest. I love it. Don't get me wrong. It's still what I read and what I listened to, but ultimately I think we have to get back to the most basic concepts, which we've often forgot. And that's asking ourselves point blank and pausing. Because we often don't talk to ourselves as if we're a human. We kind of override the soul in our body. We override the humanness in us. And so I think do this if you can. And let me know if you do, if you pause, if you ask yourself how you are, if you take that permission, let me know. How was that for you? Was it really hard? Did you really get some relief? Did it actually bring you a lot more clarity? Or was it super hard to even sit and ask yourself anything? Let me know. And as always, thank you for being here with me. Honestly, I can't tell you enough how much it means to me that you take time out of your day to listen to. my stories, stories from people that I have on the podcast and sit in this tension, this idea of both this and how do we build our own capacities for sitting in the messy middle? Because that's basically all of life is a messy middle. And the more we can talk about that and talk with each other, hear each other's experiences about how that shows up and how we navigate it, we learn and we grow and we feel less alone and we feel more connected and more validated in our experiences. So thank you so much for being here. And if this podcast is meaningful to you in any way, it would mean the world to me. If you could go to Apple podcasts and leave a quick rating and review of the show, that is the number one thing that you can do to support podcasters like me who are working to build a community, build an online platform to help other people writing, reviewing, and sharing the stories with other people that you think might need it. is so impactful and it really is how this community grows from one person to another, one real experience or sharing to another. So thank you for being here. And as always, I hope that you can find a way this week to pause, give yourself permission and to sit in the bothness a little bit longer than before. And remember, it is okay to feel all the things because so many times in life, it isn't either or, it's both. Thank you.
