Speaker #0Hi and welcome back to The Road Beats Back to Me. I'm Coral Seckle. Today we're going to be talking about domestic violence and different types of violence that take place in interpersonal relationships. This is a subject that's really important to me as a Latina and the statistic, we do numbers here and we are empirically based people here. And I like to always make sure that whatever I'm teaching you is based on real facts. One in three Latinas are victims of domestic violence or interpersonal relationship violence. That's 33%. And what I would tell you as someone that knows about this, that's actually reported. A lot of people don't report what's going on for them. And the thing is, is that domestic violence, while physical, can also be mental, can also be financial and detrimental to someone in their in their life. And it's not always male to female. It could be female to male or female to female or male to male. It doesn't discriminate. But I felt like it was important to share that and for us to talk about that here, because I need. to make sure that if I could do anything, especially as a survivor of this myself and trauma specialists, that if I could help one person be able to escape this from happening to them, we're going to talk about it in a safe way and figure it out together. Let's go from on this journey to the road leads back to me. So you're probably wondering how would I define domestic So What I would say domestic violence is, is exactly how you know it to be. The physical, you know, harm to somebody, that's one version. And that's the version that I think a lot of us assume when we think of DV as, you know, what happens. And that's very true. There's a very big part of this. But what we don't really talk about is the emotional component of it as well. Emotional abuse, mental abuse, you know, someone... making you feel like you have to do whatever it is that they want in order for them to be happy with you. You having to maybe partake in events or in situations that don't really make you feel comfortable, but that's the only way your partner will stay with you. And whether it's consensually or not, you feeling like you need to do it in order to do it. Not that it's actually coming from you and wanting to do it. When you need to submit to somebody. Because they feel the need to have that. That could turn, you know, there's some people who are into certain types of kinks. And then there's some people that don't realize that they're in this or want to label it as such. And we can discern that because some people do, like I mentioned, have those type of kinks and that's okay. But consent is the key word here and respect. And especially if you're sex positive in that way, you know that consent is the number one thing. that needs to occur in order for any of that to enact. When we think of domestic violence, we think of financial abuse and someone pretty much telling you, well, I'll take away your car or I'll have you be holding to this debt to me and you can't leave here until you pay it. And you're only making minimum wage. That's a form of financial abuse, giving you something. And yes, you have to pay it back and you should pay it back. but under a certain circumstance. If you're going to pay it back, you're going to pay it back. There shouldn't be something else to it. So if there's a control element, that's something that you need to clock and be mindful of. And then there's the emotional abuse part of it. I think of an example where my girlfriend said this to me the other day, and it really took me aback. It was a guy that, dude, he was so hot. And I would have never thought he'd be this type of guy. And the girl that he was with, if she gained a pound or two, he put her on a diet immediately. He would make her weigh herself every day. That's a form of emotional abuse of making someone feel that they can't just let their body fluctuate if it happens to happen. Especially if you're in a relationship. And there's also when you text things to people. and how they talk to you, and the things that they say to you. And then they tell you that they're just words and that they don't matter. That's a form of emotional abuse and a form of being gaslit. And gaslighting someone makes you literally question your own sanity. It goes back to emotional and mental abuse. It's all a cycle and it's all abusive and it all has the capacity to fragment you. And that's the important thing that we need to make sure that we talk about. and they're hard truths and they're difficult we're gonna hold space for them because you deserve to live a life that you don't need to be like that and that you have peace and that you love yourself and that you know that you're worthy of love and belonging every time that you clock something especially that is some form of domestic violence that you call it out and you advocate for yourself, and most importantly, walk away. That's an act of self-love, of telling yourself, I matter, of telling yourself, I'm important, and I know I deserve to be treated better than this. And you need to know that, and you need to honor that for yourself. So that's what I hope that today's episode and today's message can bring to you, and that you know that you're doing your best, but You know there's something that might be off. And just honor that if that's going on. If you're watching this video, it's probably for that reason. If you're listening to this, you're probably just wanting to get some information. Maybe some words. I just want to show up like that big sister. Of like, you've got this. Everything is figureoutable. And you just need to know that. And honor that for yourself. And you're worthy of love and belonging. And of feeling and being safe. So please do that for yourself. I think sometimes a big stigma that we all carry is that we think that domestic violence just looks like a bruise and someone walking with a broken lip. But more often than not, it doesn't even touch the skin. And the data shows that emotional and, you know, this is a real data point, but the data shows that abuse can take place mentally. And when it's a mental element of this, it's actually much more hurtful as the bruises end up going away. But in this case, these stay with you and they follow you in different relationships and different dynamics. So with that, we have to keep in mind that what we may believe as abuse also is much more layered. And one of the things I want to touch on today are why people stay. So I want to first talk about red flags and how to know maybe you're in an emotionally abusive situation. If someone is constantly threatening you or watching everything or needing to know where you're at at all times and secretly putting their your location. If someone is actually tracking you at all times. and not believing you to where you are, that's a major red flag. Now, if you have not done anything to warrant that, I get it for some time, or if it's a kid, right? Or if it's a little kid, but if you're a grown person and you're having someone track you like that, you have to question that. And I'm not talking about sharing your location with your partner. I'm talking about them doing it and you not knowing it or doing it very covertly. Hey, you want to just share this with me because I'm doing this. I just want to share my location with you. And you're just like, OK, why do you ask yourself? Why does someone need to know where you are? That isn't your partner. Sometimes domestic violence can even take place with friends. It's interpersonal, any sort of dynamic. It could be financial. It could be someone saying, hey, I'm going to let you borrow this credit card. I'll put your name. I'll co-sign this credit card for you. And then all of a sudden they are the ones taking all the stuff and expecting you to pay for it, even though they co-signed. And that's a real life example of how a financial abuse client or victim can be. And there's different ways of that sort of manipulative and covertness that could happen. You don't even realize it. So I want you to be mindful of that. And something that I want you to clock is if you're noticing... I have just this weird feeling. I never feel right. I always feel like I'm in trouble or I'm not good enough. If your partner makes you feel that way, all of us have our own shit that can make us feel that way. But if this is your partner making you feel that way, that's a major red flag because it's kind of like when you lose weight and you have a goal weight. And then you finally hit it. And then you're like, I want to do five or 10 more pounds. It's never good enough. You want to keep going and going and going. So that's a lot of the cycle of the dieting and stuff that we know here. But that's a story for another day. But when I think of domestic violence, it's a cycle that happens all over again. And we will then pick a partner that even if we escape from one. They may mirror a lot of the same traits or have a lot of the same traits. And it's something to be very mindful of. Because if you keep picking the same type of person and you keep getting the same outcome, then we need to change your preference. And you need to ask yourself, am I respecting myself right now? Do I feel like I'm good enough? And why am I settling for this? And that's something that I want you to get curious to. Another really important red flag that I want to be mindful that we touch upon is what leads to actual physical domestic versions of items. And what are some things to clock? So whenever I hear someone tell me, dude, he just punched a hole in the wall. He was so upset. And I just I have no idea where it came from. That's more times than not. We'll tell tell science. if you're an adult and can't emotionally regulate and feel the need to punch a wall there's a big problem and you need there's something you need to process in your own life because no one should want to punch a hole in the wall especially respectfully in this economy it costs a lot of money to change to patch that up number one and we try to make light of some stuff here but it's important that we talk about it but it's true sometimes people tend to respond better if it's said in this sort of fashion. But one of the things that I want you to also think about is if they're constantly throwing things at you, or if when you're having sex, they feel the need to be extra rough with you. And it's one thing if you enjoy rough sex, that's totally fine. Like everyone has their preference and some people like it. That's fine. But if it's, if If it starts to really hurt and it doesn't matter if you tell them that and there's like this aggressive component there, you need to clock it. Because that is a form of already this is going to start escalating. And another thing too is if they grab you, they grab you really hard. Hey, this hurts. And they don't care. That's one of the next steps. Another thing too is that they grab your hair. Again, some of us like our hair pulled. It's fine. We talk about all things here. It's literally a safe space, okay? But what if it starts to hurt and maybe you're even starting to fall out? You need to ask yourself that because the next step is going to be physical. And if it happened once, it's too many times. And that's important. That is... the absolute stop and dead end that we're reaching. If it goes there, that's it. We're calling whatever toll service, whatever it is, and it doesn't matter. You leave, and if you have the finances to do it, you will get that money back. Some people stick around because maybe they don't have an exit strategy. I don't know what they could do. But if you are financially dependent or independent of this person, leave. And if you are dependent of this person, if you have a safe person, somewhere you could stay, leave. So a red flag, another red flag that you could watch out for. And I actually, in thinking of and preparing for this video, was trying to think of... things that I wanted to make sure I touched on. I thought of an example that actually happened to me once. When you date someone that starts aggressively driving. And just swerving in and out, going fast and doing it to scare you. And they want to see that reaction out of you. That's a major red flag. And sometimes we don't realize it until we're in the passenger seat and getting scared that we're about to fall off this major highway. Because this person wants to let go of the steering wheel and stare at me so that they scare me. That's not okay. And that's emotional abuse. You need to clock it. And if that happens, we know to exit. And the second that you can, if you can go ahead and call whatever preferred thing that you can, I would get out of the car, exit, and you call your Uber or Lyft and just go. You don't need to be there anymore. The road can lead you elsewhere. Not with that person. That's not the safe driver you want. Your partner is supposed to be your co-pilot on this magic carpet ride called life. And if they are someone that you can't even trust to drive, why would you trust them? Period. Some other examples of domestic violence are pushing and little, little, almost like, I'm going to move this person out of the way. And it's like, oh, wow. Or. straight up i'm gonna push you or a mind a little push one thing they slap your butt and that's what that's what you like that's fine and again i got i need to think of real life examples of things that could happen they're probably smacking your ass and if they're doing that that's not the message i mean it might be but sometimes it's not sometimes it's just a term of endearment or a way of doing that so i want to be mindful of that i'm talking about if the person is actually pushing you or is doing stuff to like hate you and get you get you off balance or even to fall and hurt yourself things that sometimes you're like oh boys will be boys we're not doing that and especially if you're a woman and the mom of boys we should be raising our boys to be respectful and understanding that no is a complete sentence it's not up for negotiation and it's not up for persuasion either And that's our role. Because if you're listening to this, you've probably experienced some of the stuff that we talked about today. And we don't want our boys to do that. So we have to teach them. Because unfortunately, their parents didn't teach them. And neither did society. But that's why us millennials are here to try to change the things that we had growing up. A stigma I hate. is that if it was really that bad, they would just leave. In an ideal world, and always know, if you can, like if you actually financially can, do it. The answer is always to leave. The answer is always to get off the next exit. Think of these metaphors. Because when you think of the mantra, the road leads back to me, you're talking about you. And the journey that your life has brought you through. So you can get off the next exit. Even though this one's the one you know. Sometimes changing it is a nice change of scenery. And can bring in new beginnings that matter more to you. And are more in alignment with you. If it was that easy, people would do it. And some of the bravest things that I have ever seen survivors do. is not only own their story, give themselves the opportunity of grace because they did what they could while they were in survival. And if you're that, and you're listening to this, do not proud of you. You're trying to break the cycle. And even if you don't leave right now, I hope that this could encourage you to really try to get like in touch with resources, which I'm going to put at the end of the episode. I'm going to put some and if you are ever open to, we're happy to try to help you with that. And it's important for you to love yourself enough to walk away from something like this, because the answer is always to leave. If you're in any sort of relationship with this, that person does not love you. That person does not love themselves because if they loved you, they wouldn't hurt you period. And that is just some. Loving big sister advice because I show up as the adult I wish I had and if. I could go back in time and tell not only myself this, but people that I know in my life were going through stuff like this. This is how I would show up and just very loving, but very honest. And that's the point of these episodes. And that's the point of this podcast is to help you get back to you because you deserve that. So if you're listening and maybe are in a, in a position where you're like, man, I have a friend. that is going through this right now and I don't know how to tell her or even check in with her because part of this abuse often is also persons isolated and literally taken away from the friendship and if you're listening to this and probably suspecting that of a friend that might be actually what's going on especially if they shift and completely change who they are and sometimes people go through that and they learn through that experience. But if you feel like you have a friend that could benefit from hearing this, number one, show up for them in a space where you're not going to judge them. Be a real safe space, even if they are continuing, continuing, continuing. Now, what I will tell you is that if you feel in any sort of danger or you're put in positions that... maybe are dangerous or red flaggish, protect yourself and walk away from that relationship. I will tell you that. And I know that's a little controversial as a therapist because I just told you to be supportive to your friend, but I never want you to put yourself in danger for the sake of a friendship. A relationship and one that's loving even goes to friendships and sometimes we need to hold loving boundaries. and it's okay and some people sometimes don't want to be saved and that is okay too but you can be a safe space and you can share resources like this video so that it could even sometimes it just doesn't want to hit and sometimes people just put it in their pocket they remember the words that are said those words matter here and you need to know that so don't feel bad if you're put in that position That doesn't make you a bad friend if you feel the need to have to walk away from this sort of relationship or not be there for your friend. Because if you're going to be put in danger, that's something else that you want to be mindful of. But if you do know that they are open to wanting to receive help, then make yourself available to them if you can and be a safe space. And I have resources and I'm going to be sharing it a little bit. And please make sure that you give them to them. so that they can have a way out. Or help them find a therapist in their area to help them power through it. So a really important point that I want to talk to you about is what the road looks after leaving a domestic violence situation. And the road is very bumpy. The road sometimes is very slippery as well. Because sometimes you'll even miss... the person because things weren't always bad you wouldn't have fallen in love with someone that was bad all the time but when it got bad it got really bad and scary bad you should never be afraid of your partner or scared of them so there is light at the end of the tunnel but it does take healing and it takes a lot of sitting with hard truths and a lot of breaking your denial Denial is a coping skill and a coping mechanism that we do to try to continue just surviving through the situation. And it's not a bad part. It's adaptive. You're in fight or flight. Your amygdala is firing off. So you need to know that biologically, you're doing everything you can do to just even help yourself. And you need to remember that because like I mentioned, you may miss. the person that abused you. And that's really important to highlight because it's very normal. It's not anything that makes you weak or anything, but it's about being mindful that you cannot go back there again. Because if you allow it again, it'll progressively, statistically get worse, and you may not make it out the next time. And if those are words that you're muttering to yourself, or even having to think, that is how you know you cannot do this again. And you have to be mindful of that because you're a survivor, but you're also human. Showing up as the adult I wish I had is a very important thing for me. And it's something I hope to share how to do with you guys. And so that you guys can show up as the adult you wish you had to those around you. And sometimes adulthood or showing up as the adult we wish we had is actually showing up like that for people that are going through a reparenting process. So thank you so much for joining me today. I know today's road was very sleek, very heavy, and very bumpy. But as a loving big sister, we need to have hard conversations. And we need to talk about these things. This does happen to more people than you know. So I wanted to share the resource of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you or someone that you know could benefit from this service, you can call 800- 888-799-7233 or you could text BEGIN to 88788. Thank you for joining me today on The Road Leads Back to Me on this bumpy ride that we just took. Don't forget to follow on social media and if you have a friend or loved one or someone that you know that could benefit from the information I'm sharing here, please share this video. I'm happy to be a resource. We will be covering more on this topic and talking about different forms of abuse and how to process it, identify it, and really learn from it and be able to actually apply some of the things that we're learning. And don't forget, you can expect a new episode of The Road Leads Back to Me every week.
