Speaker #0Well, hello. This is the first podcast of, um, whatever this will be. I was going to have video, but I decided last moment, mainly because of effort, that I would just do audio. And, um, we will see what will happen with that. So the first one, I really wanted to just talk. Just us. This is so weird. But later on, I was hoping people could write in for just whatever they want to write in for. I'm not really that picky with that. And you guys could be a part of the show if you wanted to. Obviously, no one could write in. It literally could just be me talking to a wall. But once again, we will see what happens. So I wrote down a bunch of shit that we could talk about and because I would be aimlessly stuck here Uncomfortable and my boyfriend is literally outside the door listening to me talk so that that's fun But oh my god I'm gonna have to cut this up because it's so uncomfortable God damn it. I have no idea what to even fucking talk about. Hmm. Oh, okay. Let's talk about the Oscars. Oh my God. That wasn't the Oscars. The Grammys. I know those are two different things. Um, oh my God. The performances. I don't normally watch the, um, the Oscars or the, I used to, not really. I would not that it's. I would watch, this is so embarrassing, I would watch the, um, like it would basically be like a rundown of all the drama in Hollywood and that's what I would watch and so whenever something would happen at the Oscars or the Grammys I would hear like the headlines and that's basically it. But I decided to start watching the Oscars and the Grammys. Pretty? I really like it. It's very, uh, I don't want to say anything mean. It's very, um, prestigious. I'll say that. So it's definitely something that I would not be comfortable with, but it's very nice watching. I loved watching it. Um, oh my god, the performances were so good. I'm going to butcher the names because I do not keep up with... Mm. I used to, once again. I don't keep up with, like, celebrities and new people on the scene. I really should. I think I really should. But I know, like, stuff, like, celebrities growing up are people that I grew up with. But I don't really know the newish. Like, even, like, the past, like, seven years is what I consider new. I don't know them. And so I feel horrible when I'm like, oh, I don't know how to say this. I literally don't know how to say this person's name because I'm so uninformed. But it's nothing about this person. Obviously, they're completely insanely popular. But I just I'm not really I'm in the world of my own. But I do. I did enjoy watching all the performances that happened. I literally said I was gonna pronounce their names. Fuck. I'm just not gonna single anyone out and just say all the performances were amazing. I always enjoy seeing Taylor Swift dance. Literally being the only one to dance. Like why does no one- it's- everyone's so uncomfortable. That's what it looks like. It looks like everyone is so uncomfortable and it's literally like a concert but that would- that would literally be like the worst thing for me. I'm sorry. like going to a stadium and performing to people that came to see you sounds fun going going to a place where it's literally full of like a bunch of people in suits gonna judge you and like probably like in charge of some things like just that sounds too stressful for me like no oh my god but obviously everyone's not a nervous freaking wreck like me so that was really fun to watch i actually did have fun watching that that's all i will say um I will say there are two songs. There are two songs from the From the Grammys. Let me stop fucking mixing the words up. Can I even cuss on this? I don't know if I can cuss No one tells me anything There are two performances basically that are stuck in my head I know I'm so annoying right now because I'm literally playing them non-stop like literally non-stop because they're stuck in my head they'll get out of it soon but it the songs are so good like so like you know when you like support you support a song because you like the artist or you like the individual and you're like yes i'm going to support them because i wanted them to continue doing the thing that i love and it's not like you're like oh my god i'm pitying them it's literally like i want them to continue doing it so i'm going to support them in whatever they do and then you you there's artists where you literally like i don't even know who this person is but whatever they did is like is literally amazing the product is amazing because it's it's it's not about the person it's about what they what they created and i think that's just so much that's so cool either way is cool honestly i know i'm super obsessive so it's usually not the i don't know about this person but i guess when you get older i can't speak why am i doing a podcast i guess when you get older uh society and people judge you on things that you shouldn't really be doing at this age and it's like the peer pressure that everyone feels and then there's stuff obviously there's that line and when i when i catch myself doing that i'm like uh i don't like it because i'm like you're literally not doing it because someone's judging you ew it's so weird i'm like no but um it's usually i'll i'll grow up or i'll get wiser and i'll realize that um what i'm doing is probably not good like it's probably not a good thing that i'm doing like when you when you think about it they're literally people are following them with a camera and recording whatever like it's kind of crazy if that was not someone that was a celebrity you'd be like oh my god call the call the police because i have a stalker like i know it's someone's job but that would literally be a stalker right like that seems so that's always seemed crazy to me that's always seemed crazy to me because i'm just i never made sense like they're a public figure so now it's legal to stalk them but i know a lot of people appreciate it because when you have a lot of noise on the internet being talked about you having someone showing up and being like oh my god i actually care about you can can actually be really nice so i i'm not judging people who are fans that's insane i'm the biggest fangirl ever but like the the lack of boundaries or the lack of seeing these people as actual people can get kind of crazy in my opinion and uh i don't think it's ever really discussed it's like people were always when i would you when i was always watch it i can't speak when i would always watch drama videos again shouldn't i i i literally lost my train of thought jesus cried this is why you don't smoke guys oh my god but basically all i was saying is that i just feel like it's lack the lack of privacy the lack of uh seeing these people as actual individuals is a little crazy to me and the fact that it's so no that's what i'm saying The fact that it's so normalized that it's just like, oh, it's just a part of the job. That made no sense to me. I'm like, but we can change this. This is not this is not a uniform. You can change your uniform, too. But, you know, this is not something that has to be a part of the job. We make it a part of the job. That makes no sense. I know it actually helps a lot of people sometimes, too. But I just I feel like it should be something people sign up for. It seems a little it can be a little bit jarring. but i don't know i don't want to i don't want to shame people because i understand that i understand having that enthusiasm extremely over something but then i think i'm i guess i don't know if it's a gift or a curse where i'm so anxious even if it was like a meet and greet that i paid to see someone with i would still not want to go like it would be like abed from community or he's literally just sitting there the whole episode the whole time you Uhhh. Oh my god, it's not Albert, it's Troy. What is wrong with me? I know this. I'm literally just mixing up names. I feel so fucking stupid. But that would literally be me, and it's because I'm so anxious. That's why that would happen. And I guess I would never feel comfortable doing that. It just sucks. But I'm not going to judge anyone who does. It just seems so crazy that it's expected to treat celebrities like a zoo. i don't like suits either but it just it's just so insane to me it's so insane i've never thought that i've literally always been like what the but hey i should probably talk about something besides celebrities oh my god uh the super bowl is coming out and uh oh my gosh no i'm trying to avoid talking about drama When you know what I was talking about, you know, you mature and you change and you realize that hearing, like listening to gossip or rumors about people nonstop is probably not the best thing to do as a human being, even though it's really entertaining. I always think like if someone's talking about you, would you really want people to be like listening on your private situations that you yourself have not put out there? That's a little, it's, it's a little bit like, okay. i don't feel comfortable with this whenever i talk about personal drama it's we're so used to society again these are not people but like they actually are people and they are probably going to hear all the stuff that's being said about them on the internet and we kind of actually exploit them constantly by using their names to fund whatever we're writing or whatever post we're making without actually thinking about the fact that they're humans and we're probably affecting their life in a major way we don't even realize we have that power i don't know i think just people should be a lot more thoughtful that's my statement of the day i'm so annoyed i guess i guess i should probably talk about myself um this is supposed to be you get to know me and talk about myself the first one and i've literally been talking about celebrities this whole time so let me change that i guess uh okay where did it start when i was born i don't know uh my god this podcast is gonna be cut up so bad um i don't know what to say so i basically i grew up in northern maine um i had uh i don't know the number of my siblings i have uh three sisters and a brother i am the youngest of all of them and we're all like two years apart so yeah my mom was like always pregnant um she grew up my mom grew up in uh well they like moved while she while my god camara they moved while they were giving birth to her so she was born in california i believe but they were not raised there so uh she was basically born in oregon where we reside right now and uh that's where she met my dad who grew up in chicago and then he moved to oregon and they both um they both um they became nurses they worked in this like adult nursing home and i guess that's how they met the age difference is like is it like 13 12 years and that's that's always been like oh my god it's not to freak my dad out if he listens to this it just always scares me because i don't want him to pass and i'm and when i think my mom's getting old older all i think is like fuck my dad's like 13 years older than her so i should not be talking about this but it just worries me a lot and the fact that i'm the the youngest of all of them literally he retired when i was under 18 so it's it's put me in this weird position of like oh my god my my dad's in an older generation and i'm not so i don't know how long he's going to be there And that's a bit, not to get too serious, but that can be a little bit scary to think about and not stop. Obviously more for him. And I probably should not be talking about this. but it's an anxious thing and uh back to the story my parents they met in oregon um they had basically every child except for me here in oregon and now my mom's family's past i guess i can say this her family was like i won't say extremely they weren't gonna be like this is a kkk clan meeting let's burn down the town it wasn't that type of racism but it was still racism and then she was in that area of she has her husband at this point she had like four kids and i think it was a lot of my opinion and it comes whenever i see anything with racism like i know anything about it but whenever i see racism it usually comes from the place of jealousy or insecurity And that's not like, oh my God, black people are so much better. It's just everyone gets jealous and everyone gets insecure. It's just when that's aimed with the power at the same time, it's not really a good thing because people start to lash out in ways that are not the best and ways that people can't really heal from. And if I had to have any guess, I'm guessing that's what happened. And, um... at a certain point they decided that they could not take that anymore and uh they decided to move to northern maine which i i don't know if it was the best decision it's definitely changed who i am as an individual i'm gonna say it is because i think growing up in a small town created me as such a i feel like it was so easy like it was hard looking back i feel like so grateful but in the moment i was like this sucks oh my god complaining about all these things but literally looking back i'm just like wow it was it was not it was not that bad for certain things but um once we moved to northern maine uh i was born i'm horrible explaining stories uh uh everything happened blah blah blah they built their house like she brought she bought this like huge plot of land because they owned a business together before they left uh she's so proud as she should she earned like a million dollars through her uh her business in like one year it's pretty impressive and um they built their own house so i'm laughing i love my mom she ran out of money building the house so my whole childhood like things were not finished and it's not like we were like neglected or anything I don't want people to worry but it was just like it was not a good situation it was not anything I would call a house it was just a house that was like livable I don't want to go into specifics because I don't want my mom to get hate on the internet but she tried her best and it would just it was not a house you the heating was horrible we were in northern Maine so it would be like negative I'm gonna go to extremes but it was like negative 20 degrees and we had this small furnace at the front of the house and it was supposed to heat the entire house it did not so literally what we ended up doing and it was so bad my sister ended up I'm laughing this is horrible this is really horrible She ended up burning out like the veins in her legs because we would literally, we would be so cold. We would have these space heaters in them in our own room. And we would be so stupid because we were children. So we would put the blanket over the space heater. So it created like an electric blanket situation where we were heated completely underneath it. obviously it's a bad fire like do not do this at home oh my god it was a horrible idea but we were like usually by ourselves because my mom was at work and there would be like five kids on the fucking prowl by themselves but uh oh god it was not the best house let me leave it out we never had them we never really had any money it was always hand-me-downs from um my siblings whatever services the places provide which the town we live in had none and there's so much going on um personally between my mom and my dad that i won't get into and there's a point where it it got to a point of i felt for them that neither one of them could do it anymore so they decided to divorce again won't go into the details but my mom got full custody in northern maine um i was i think i was like six years old so oh my god my parents divorced but like it's pretty it's like it's pretty big like because you're like your child and you're like my mom my dad i remember i don't even know if i can tell the story i remember it wasn't for anything let me be specific he didn't did anything that he should have been in jail for but i remember he was also a black man let me be specific right uh we were getting dropped off at school and how our school bus oh my god the dogs are barking i'm sorry and how our school bus works is um we would be in elementary at this time so i was like six years old six seven years old when this happened um and uh it was so dramatic uh so the school bus would go from the middle school to the high school because um i don't know i'm sure i think my sister was in high school and we would just go to the library which was also in the town of the high school because there was literally nothing in the town we had like literally a gas station a school and a superintendent's office that is it you have to go to the town over to get anything else and there's barely anything else there so you have to go to the town over than that like it's a horrible situation but it has its charm back to the horrible story of my dad um we arrived at the high school and literally they were arresting him for some stupid ass reason let me just say that and um it was literally in front of like the whole school so i literally come out of the school and all i see is like my dad in handcuffs you and it's like it was very like oh my god and it was literally like a child so i was like freaking out i was like geez what's happening no one would told me the whole time like there's some other stuff that ended up happening um we had to stay at this place uh until the custody thing went out or whatever and i just remember the whole environment was like no one's gonna talk to me about it because i'm like six years old so they're just like okay you can't really i don't know this is an environment of like she can't process this at this time so we're just not going to talk about it and so there's this whole thing of like there's major things happening but we're not discussing it but we're gonna be there excuse me if you need anything so um that was the environment when i was six and i think my mom got full custody we kept in my contact with my dad um i'm the person that i am so i it's crazy i need to be in like contact with someone for like continuously for me to be comfortable enough to talk to them and as soon as it even gone for like years it's gone for me so i'm just not comfortable talking so there was a period which i know had to be horrible for my dad where i couldn't talk to my dad anymore on the phone and so it was all through my mom And they were like fighting obviously the whole time. So it was always like bickering through whatever they were doing in, uh, it just was not a good environment. I think the last time I saw him, I was 10 and I don't know if it was for my birthday or if it was just like pure accident, but we went up to, uh, New York, which is where it was literally like not that far from where we grew up with. We were just extremely poor. And we saw him for, it was like a couple days. It was really nice. I was a kid too. So everything was like bad that happened. I didn't really pay attention to or notice. So my awareness was down, which is not really a good thing, but you're a child, so you're not alone. So it can be a good thing. But there are a lot of good things that happen. I grew up vegetarian and so did my whole family because of my dad's religion, which became all our religion. And so he would bring us to like all these vegetarian restaurants, which I thought was the coolest thing. Because I always grew up eating like you go to a place and you have french fries and salad. And that's literally the only option they have. Unless you're going to a vegan place, which I had never been in my life until then. And I remember I had like fish and chips and it was the best thing in the world. I was obsessed. I'm like, oh my God, I need fish and chips, fish and chips. I was like so obsessed. um but he also like brought me to like a Jonas Brothers concert which was so I thought it was so sweet but I was such like a judgy kid I was such a judgy kid I was like you can't even hear anything I was like we were so I think it was like a free one or something like that and so we were like so far away we literally couldn't hear anything but there was like like it was obviously a concert and so he put me on his shoulders and it was like it felt like we're at a jonas brothers but i was so judgy i was like we cannot even hear anything like that matters but um yeah it was a it was a nice time i think that was that was the last time i saw my dad as a child just because of uh how things happened i've always wanted to i've seen him a couple times i've seen him one time when i was an adult i've caught a captain obviously kept in contact with him um but uh it's hard it's obviously something that i probably shouldn't get deep into on the internet with people that don't know me that well but it's a hard thing to get used to and it sucks for both parties obviously i'm aware of that but um i don't know i feel like i at some points i do wish when i was younger i had a more relationship with my dad and now at this i'm at this point where i'm like if i don't try to repair whatever i have then i'm the person that's going to be at loss when whatever happened happens and so i know it's not probably the best to be like oh my god i'm gonna fucking force myself to have a relationship i'm not really ready for but at the same time i don't want to ever lose that opportunity to ever have happen again so it's it's very it's hard thing to balance i'm gonna leave that at that um finish more stories about kumari um after that it was basically like we had lived in a small town so there's there's so much information about me um obviously i'm autistic i'm like a um black mixed light-skinned woman and i grew up hindu vegetarian what i'm trying to say is there's like a lot of restrictions and a lot of that a lot of struggles that i had to deal with growing up and it and it it definitely shaped who i am and um a lot of things i am i'm grateful for like i look back and like during the time i think people had like the the touch grass mentality of like oh your daughter's just so like autistic or or so anxious because she's never been outside because you have not exposed her to people she i mean the reason why she is so anxious it's because she's never around people and so i think my mom tried to like forced me to be in a bunch of programs to help like all like the naysaying moms fucking drama out there guys um but she would literally there was there would be no period of time where i could just sit and relax it would be school after school activities in this in the summers it would be like literally she would sign me up for the rec department where they would have arts and crafts class like um summer dance class, summer swim team, like 15 million classes. And a lot of it was also because it was basically like free daycare. um but um it was basically also an attempt to get me to be more social and be like okay if she's just around these people more she's going to be able to socialize more and she's going to be more comfortable like that just never happened it it always made me like it always made me like a nervous wreck like it never worked out it was always like a one-on-one environment that was the best for me and it was like one-on-one for a long period of time and then i would be comfortable maybe talking to them and like no one understood that and it created it's always created issues with my life because it takes me so long to be gay i i've always said i'm more comfortable with a stranger because it takes me so long to be comfortable with someone like crazy crazy long to be comfortable with someone and that's not an issue for other people so when they come and see me they're like oh my god that's my friend and i'm just like uh that's the person i've met once or twice but i'm not really comfortable talking to but i don't want to be rude and so it like creates this whole uncomfortable scenario which is worse when you're older because then oh my gosh she's a b word she's a horrible human being she's ignoring me she's a snob oh my god you she's so entitled saying she doesn't have to say hi to me like it's horrible and like what i've basically learned is you have to just not advice but this is what i do is literally i just either avoid or i force myself to do something uncomfortable just so someone else feels better and i know that sounds horrible it really does sound horrible but i would never i wouldn't want to make myself it's not just it's literally i don't want to make someone feel bad either like i wouldn't literally do i would feel bad if if i went up to someone they try to talk to me and i literally just like i'm not going to say anything i'm just not going to respond to what they just said because it's uncomfortable i would never do that but it it i will say it upsets me when it feels like I have to. It feels like I would make the accommodation for other people where like, I'm going to push myself to do something uncomfortable so that you feel good. But it feels horrible when it feels like someone won't do the same for you. You know what I mean? They're just like, oh, you can tell. I'm watching this. I'm watching two people talk on YouTube. You know what I mean? I can see that this person does not want to talk. I can see this person is uncomfortable. And unless this person can't see that. They just don't care, in my opinion. I'm just like, why is that not an issue for you? Like, why is that not like a thing that you think about? Like, oh, fuck, I don't want to over talk. This person is clearly uncomfortable with me right now. Maybe I should give them like a space. I feel like it doesn't go through enough people's head. I feel like there's like a middle ground that needs to happen where we're like, OK, I'm going to I'm going to push my boundaries a little bit so I don't feel like a horrible human being to people. But there's a point where you have to kind of meet me in the middle. And I feel like everyone gets to that point. Where no one wants to be the only one that's reaching out. The only one that feels like they're pushing their boundaries. For someone that never even tries. It just feels very empty. And it feels like the person doesn't care about how you feel. I don't know maybe I care too much I've definitely been accused of being a people pleaser something about that word just gets me because I'm just like I don't know I feel like it's not about the fact that I want to please people all the time it's the back it's about the fact that I I feel bad like I literally feel bad it's like a too much empathy situation where like I I want to get in a situation where I can say no with no guilt I can say no or I can be like, you know what? I'm not going to talk to this person and I'm not going to feel anything. I literally could just walk away. They walk up to me and I literally walk away and I feel nothing. Like I feel like I would be horrible. See, I can't do that. But that would be the issue of I feel like I'm not trying to please someone. Maybe that's just the term, but it just makes me uncomfortable to hurt someone's feelings. And I know they're just like, I don't know. I don't know. Call me a people pleaser. Because I, I don't know. I can't do it. I don't want to be, I don't want to be a horrible person. I think that's point blank period. I don't want to be a horrible person. and so i think i push myself to do things that i'm not really comfortable with and i try to explain to people they're just like it's always better when someone when someone can understand or they'll be they'll be able to explain it be like okay so it's like this and you're like yeah kind of you can kind of understand the a little bit part of the part of like why it feels so difficult you I feel like if people don't have a high level of empathy or they have not experienced the same thing you can end up in a lot of situations where people are judging your experience or judging invalidating what you're feeling and saying like it's not really an issue and I feel like people are like they invalidate the invalidation because they're just like well that's not even a big thing But it is because especially it's literally making someone feel like you're crazy. It's someone making you feel like you're crazy. It's literally like, oh, that feeling that you're feeling right now, you should not be feeling that way. You're crazy. You should not be feeling that way. And I feel like it's one of the worst, in my opinion, not the worst, but it's like one of the worst things, like especially if you're you're supposed to be my friend or someone close to my life. Why would you do that? That's not how you're supposed to treat a friend. I've always said, this sounds crazy, but I've always said, um, I don't invalidate people unless it invalidates someone else. Of like, I'm trying not to go into examples that are like too extreme. Um, so like, let's just say someone got pregnant, right? And now they're overcompensating for something that they're insecure about for a justified reason. Let's be honest. Society sucks. And so they start to overcompensate and do things that are not the greatest for, let's just say, the black community. And then you're stuck in this situation of like, OK, how do I not invalidate this person's feelings without invalidating this other person's feelings? if you know what I mean. Like, how do I navigate this scenario where I'm, there's two literally struggling fucking, I don't know, communities that are literally marginalized or, we'll go with marginalized. And you're like, which one, which one, which one do you help? Because helping one is going to hurt the other community. And we realize this. There's so many, like when you're stuck in situations with people who are transgender and people who are non-binary, there's so many situations where you have to be like, well, if I support a person here, I'm not supporting another person here. And it hurts me because I'm just like, I want to support everyone. I know people hate all lives matter, but like. If it's a struggle, I want to support someone. Like, there's no one, I'm not going to be like, oh my god, you're Caucasian, so I'm not going to support anything that happens to you. I think that's completely ridiculous, and we're going to reach a point where no one's going to help anyone if that continues. But I understand, not to get into race, but I understand the rage and the trauma. that people have with like race i don't want to say relate relations in america but it's hard it's hard for people to um to get over these issues but i don't think that should muddy things that are actually a struggle i don't think that means that we should stop talking about lbgt plus rights i don't think that means that we should stop talking about sexual assault awareness or talking about freaking supporting moms who are literally birthing their body like they're birthing with their whole entire body and we just ignore that that's that's fucking hard-ass work yeah it's you're blessed if you get to a point that you can do that but let's not dismiss that this is an actual struggle like I hate getting to that point I always i know people are like no it's not to always matter like if it's a struggle let's support someone's struggle like i i can't get around this i know i'm privileged more of that too And I know there's like so much fighting in the middle of all communities. And there's no magic answer that's going to stop it. Because we're not a collective and everyone has their own individual mind. And not everyone has reached the point of wisdom that I hope we all get. So it just it leads to a lot of chaos and destruction. I think nobody wants it. I don't know. I don't know how I got to this topic, but in my head, it's, I feel like it's on terms of sobriety. I know people are just like, there's a line of people like, well, if we just ignore things that have happened in the past, it's just going to keep people from walking all over you. And it's just going to tell them that it's okay to do this. But at the same time, I think beating down people to the point where they're no longer people. for making human errors i don't think that's helpful i feel like realizing people acknowledging that they up now like oh you accidentally yeah let's acknowledge that you made a mistake acknowledge that this happened acknowledge that this is the world that we live in but also realize that holding people into like this image of whatever thing happened obviously we're not talking like holocaust level but holding a human for making a human mistake holding them accountable for the rest of their life and expecting them to change is insane to me insane to me like what what what is the reason that you keep bringing this up what is the reason that this is an issue for you is it because that they are continuing this appalling behavior or is it that we are not able to process or to move on for something because i feel like us not being able to process something or us being unable to like get over or move on and inflicting that on other people by choice i feel like that just hurts the issue in my opinion you can completely disregard it i i honestly think it just keeps people pigeonholed into whatever image upsets you about them. I think it never helps them grow. It never helps them move on. It never helps them realize that it's okay to change from this behavior. But at the same time, I know, I know, it's a lot of feels of victim blaming going on. But I don't know, I just feel very strongly about this. the point of you want to feel validated you don't want to feel invalidated for how you're justifiably feeling but at the same time you want to stop the cycle you don't want to just lash out back at this person that is lashing out on you and then continue having them lash out and then people are just like it's never going to end until someone's dead like that's not going to happen like and i don't think that's something that people want to happen in my opinion i don't think that's something that anyone wants to happen i think people want it to stop at the same time they want to feel validated for whatever feeling that they're feeling and that's completely reasonable it's just horrible that how we're going to be able to do that it's a hard thing to do which is not feel the emotions that you're feeling because it's going to create a cycle that's not good for you and everyone around And it's horrible because like everyone should be feeling that one. Everyone should be feeling the same thing of, oh, if I say this, this is just going to create a cycle. It shouldn't just be people of color or marginalized communities that are afraid to speak out or stand up for themselves and afraid of what's going to happen when that happens. Like that's the point where people get. in my opinion we keep saying that when people get annoyed and they're like so i'm gonna walk and tiptoe and do all this stuff and you're not you're just gonna continue doing the same behavior like i feel like we everyone needs to acknowledge that this is an issue everyone needs to be a part of the change and people need to stop invalidating people i honestly feel that one deep to my core i feel like that is so much of the issues of why we have so many of our problems is because literally every time someone wants to talk about a problem they have or talk about something that happened to them to someone in a different in a different point of view i will say all we get is judgment all we get is this isn't an actual issue and it's just it's just not it's not gonna work and we need some We need more understanding. I'm just preaching about this. I'm about to stop. But we seriously do. We need more people to be more understanding. And you don't have to live the life to respect people that do. I'm trying to create a slogan. But you literally don't. You don't have to be like, I know people hate the word privilege now. But just because you're privileged doesn't mean it has to be a bad thing. I 100% believe that. Just be that. just because you have not seen or experienced something doesn't mean that you're a horrible person what happens is when someone invalidates or or judges or they're held up above someone and you're just it's no one seeing this is no one seeing what's happening is no one seeing how this is not something that should be compared and it bothers me it bothers everyone I know it bothers people to even be called privileged. It's just, I think literally all we have to do is be aware of other people's struggles, not try to dismiss them or invalidate them. And literally, why are we comparing? Why do we need to compare? I know that you're literally, you're competing in a fucking... i don't know a football game which i'm definitely watching the super bowl i'm so excited um but i understand that's a competition but there's no there's no need to like put two random people and compare them for whatever reason and now we have two communities fighting against each other because you wanted to compare someone like this is insane like it's a pissing contest that's happening and it just We don't need the comparison. No one needs the comparison. If you want to compete with someone, you can compete with yourself. Like, there's no need to be like, I'm better than this person. Just letting you know, I'm better than you. Like, there's no need for that to happen, ever. I know people are tired of being called privileged. I'm saying this again. But there's no need to call someone out on... Oh. I'm better than you or I think I'm better than you like neither one of those conversations need to happen in my opinion oh my god I'm sorry I got really too political I should not be talking about this oh my god okay oh my god the California fires I don't know much about this um We are in Oregon right now. But my thoughts are with everyone that is dealing with that. It's such a horrific thing to happen. And in the beginning when it was happening, a lot of the people, especially who are not in California, were basically talking about the fact that um you know it's like they're privileged people so because they're privileged people it doesn't really matter obviously i don't believe in that argument period if anything i feel like other issues should be uplifted not like this issue should not be talked about what we should be talking about other issues as well not just this but you I do think that doesn't mean that we should dismiss that this is an actual issue. There are so many people affected by this and so many people that are not what you would necessarily consider everyone's privilege. Can we get over this? Like everyone is privileged. You're not going to meet one person that does not have one sort type of privilege. Obviously, some people are going to be way more, but like everyone is privileged. People need to stop. getting over oh my god someone's privileged like yeah no duh everyone is there's not one person that is not privileged like i don't understand how this has become an issue i know why it's become an issue because of judgment and validation saying the same thing over and over but um i don't i don't know i'm not gonna say anything that is i shouldn't be saying all i will say is um if you want to support them i don't have a website or anything to say god i feel horrible i should be more prepared um i'm sure you can literally just google california fires and there'll be a bunch of um charities that you could support or if you're actually in california i think there might be some it's dying down but the last i've heard they're still they're still um they still need help and so if you are able to any help that would you can do is obviously would help everyone um i would definitely appreciate it um I don't think I have anything else to talk about. I mean I could continue talking about my childhood but I keep ping-ponging back and forth. I'm not sure anyone can follow this. I will say I want you guys to try to guess what two songs from the Grammys are stuck in my head. Literally, I think Marcus literally hates me because I don't wear headphones that often. so i literally have these songs playing non-stop every day he's not said anything yet but i know he's like stop it's stuck in my head i'm literally like they're gonna think i'm a stalker the song is literally stuck in my head i don't know what to do okay Not sure what else to say. Oh, I could talk about the last story I could say from my childhood. And we could finish this up with a part two on next week's if this is something that is interesting at all. I just wanted the first ones for like anyone who was like, oh my god, I've never heard of this random ass chick. To get a little information. Yeah, it's probably boring. but I can talk about my one and only experience on an actual film. So, obviously, I am autistic. I don't know why I said that like that, but I'm super obsessed with things. Like, I get really, really obsessed. Not like you level, guys. Come on. But I literally just, like, it gets stuck in my head. It's like that. It's literally like having, like, a song stuck in your head. but it's whatever whatever thing you're obsessing about it literally could be anything so you that's why you literally have to ask someone and be like what are you obsessed about no judgment uh honestly um but uh i was obsessed with obviously tv shows and movies like so much like i think it helped me it helped me understand um just how people connect and how people socialize and what is considered normal in society i don't know it really helped me um understand a lot more i my vocabulary became crazy huge we won't get into my school story yes yet but it was not from that um and i don't know it became like literally i was something that was literally in my opinion probably done too much like i probably over indulged in it in my opinion but um it's hard because unless i was never obsessed with anything that was productive that's the thing that freaking sucks if it's not something that's actually good for you it's damaging to you it's it doesn't feel good it's not a good thing to be like yes i'm in love with my job and i love showing up here every single day and i'm happy like it's not always that and i used to be jealous of people that found something like that because i'm just like my obsession is television and i get nothing from it and people judge me from it 24 hour yeah it's an issue but it was my obsession and i think i've talked about this good if if you watch my vlogs that are now taken down because they are so oh my god i look horrible i sound horrible the qualities were like everything's horrible but i i guess if enough people ask i'll put it back up or I could react I have a lot of old footage of me all to the footage I can't speak. Speaking of, one of my favorite shows growing up was obviously Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was literally my favorite show growing up. Literally my all-time favorite. And it sucks because Joss Whedon used to be my favorite. And then I learned so much information and now I'm not sure how to feel. like i don't want this is the thing when i told you you're caught between a rock and a hard place we're like this person created like such an amazing product in my opinion like if we're talking about the art not the person the art was like on a level of like it touched like emotional it was funny it was like it went through all the things and the writing was good and it was like it was one of the best shows in my opinion but then you're like this is an actual person So should we uplift them? But then I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to. I'm just going to say Switzerland on this because I do not know. I'm pretty sure I've heard some stuff. I'm just not going to talk about it because I don't know. But it used to be my favorite show. I literally have a clip. I think I must have been like five. I look so young. And I'm like singing Rest in Peace from. the buffy musical and i'm literally like i'm gonna be singing this from william the bloody i was so young and i watch back and i'm like oh my god who let me watch this show i look like i'm fucking five but uh my obsession with television there you go um my my mom was in college and uh you I was basically at her college 24-7 because of my age. And the library, they had a poster up. And they were doing, I think it was just a college film. And they were doing a movie called Zombies Are Coming to Town. Look it up. My one and only project. So I forced my mom. I got so excited. I was literally like, one second. I got really excited. I forced my mom to bring me to the audition. The anxiety was gone because of my excitement, which was a good thing. And so I literally, I did the audition. It was horrible. It was supposed to be for like two little boys. And I'm like, I'm going to do it anyways. The guy, the director looks at the script and goes to my mom. He's like, okay so there's some swearing in this are you okay with her saying this and she's like yes i don't care yeah she was not that that type of mom and um I'm sorry. I literally, again, I forced my mom to go back because they're just like, okay, you got the part. I was like, yes, really? Because they were taking no child who's going to do this. So you're like, you're the only child that wanted to do this film in this town. No parent is going to let them do this. So I made my, but it was like two brothers. So I'm like, mom, let's go back and get Lakshmi, who was like my best friend growing up, my sister. And so I got, uh, I had my sister come back and I'm like, you have to audition for this movie. And I was so excited. I'm like, she, she actually did it. She came back and she auditioned for the role. My brother ended up coming and he auditioned as well. And, um, and my whole family ended up being extras in the movie. My mom was like so into it because she, she was obsessed with zombies. She got really into like the makeup special effects on how to create like a zombie bite. And then like I had like five lines and obviously I don't know if I've only done this one, but it took a while for it to be made. so we would have like these like meetings where all i would do is eat like all the like the the chips and the back like that's all i did i was so excited i'm like oh my god free chips yes sign me up it was such a low bar oh my god um but um oh god it was such a fun experience oh my god it was so fun i had like five lines once again so i memorized them non-stop i was so proud because he comes up to us like you're the only guy you're the only people who remembered the lines i was so proud and now i'm like yeah because you had like five lines that's why oh but um it was so fun it was so fun oh my god it was such a fun experience um it was so so bad like looking back i'm like oh my god this is so and then my like you look back the funniest thing is my walk you can see i'm trying to like show you how like i don't want to do this and i'm like walking over all crowds whatever it's all it it's a pretty good movie it's like um yeah they didn't have much budget and everyone they i'm pretty sure everyone in the movie no one got paid it was if the movie makes any money you'll make you'll get like a percentage off of it but we didn't no one really got paid for it unless you got like craft service we got that which was awesome you um but um yeah it was it was just a really fun thing to do if everyone in it didn't really act it was basically like i'm doing this movie in a really small town anyone who is willing to do it i'll take them because there's no there's really no any options at that point and so sorry it actually entered some festivals which i remember looking back uh I was so I was so scary. I'm like how many people saw that? That's kind of crazy. We had the two towns over from our town. They had a premiere and they I don't know if they did but someone bought out the whole movie theater but the movie was playing in the movie theater and like the whole cast was there and we were all dressed up in like dresses. It was so fun. I think I have a photo on the internet with like a rose in my mouth. it was such a fun experience oh my god i'm sorry that was so fun this is oh yeah i don't think it would probably be like that now i don't know i'm a lot more aware now and it leads to a lot more uncomfortable situations which sucks but it's better for people because i can i can less accidentally hurt them which is it's not fun so awareness is cool even though it sucks because like it's fun to like not get hurt by people oh god we're gonna end that there because i've just been ranting about fucking movies for way too long um hopefully this will be a weekly thing i don't know if again i'll try to make um the letters and the voicemails a part of the show but i don't know if that's going to happen Obviously, if enough people write in or enough people call in, I will. I would be happy to. It would leave more than just me talking to myself. But if it doesn't, it literally it might just be me and me and you talking or just literally me talking. But I will see you guys next week. Maybe we'll talk about the Super Bowl. oh and let me talk about everything else if in case anyone watches i don't think anyone see this is my like i stopped because i'm literally like no one watches my stuff so if i literally stop who's gonna care like you know what i mean it's like oh i'm just putting this stuff out in the world and no one really in my opinion i thought responded so she's like what's the point of continuity whatever i just didn't think it wasn't going to be an issue um the, but for my YouTube, the plan for YouTube is not to continue. YouTube, okay, vlogging will not happen until we move, period. I've tried on TikTok, and I'm trying, it's just too complicated for too many reasons that I'm not going to get into, but it's just very, it's very complicated, and it would be so much easier just to wait until we're moving, and the moving date has been pushed back so many times. because so many things keep popping up and my life is too hectic like i'm so sorry but i i'm i'm i'm so waiting to move out of this place more than anything that will be the first vlog That will be posted, which will be when we move. So I'm really excited for that when that happens. So that's on YouTube. I might post, I don't know. I might start posting other videos besides vlog content on YouTube. I know Marcus has been really into wanting to do a Let's Play. And I want to help him set up his channel for himself. If anyone wants to go watch. he would love that um the tick tock i want to start doing tech talks more um like i just did like a oh my god forever 21. uh their their sale is like crazy they had like a bunch of tops for like two dollars three dollars like a like a doll like it was insane like cheaper than sheen or teeny like any it's really good quality too so i got like um i think i got like 50 worth of a i don't buy clothes i don't buy clothes ever it's mostly hair shit is what i indulge in but i decided to do like just really get a couple tops because i have no clothes and i look like shit i literally i look really bad and um i thought i would get some clothes uh so instead of going to my favorite clothing stop thrift store i decided to go online which is a horrible decision that you should never do and uh i've just been screwed every single time i bought clothes online i've done a i did a small order on forever 21 and i might do a haul when they come out if all the clothes were horrible and i have to return it then you'll know that this was for nothing but it's just because i can't try it on like i should really go in you but having it shipped directly to your house is just a convenience i can't say no to but now my ranting's done oh the last app is instagram not that anyone fucking cares oh sorry instagram technically i'm gonna be posting on all my socials soon like instagram should be continuing literally we just had a litter of puppies again oh my god we're not gonna get into but they should be all uh rehomed at the end of this week and that's when content is should be back if anyone is interested on tiktok more regularly i am going to come back to instagram um that's going to happen more regularly consistently consistently um yeah so uh so yeah i'll be on tick tock more i'll be on instagram youtube is a maybe and probably snap uh i don't know i don't know if you guys didn't see me snapchat but i'm on there occasionally yeah if i can pull it up um yeah that's yeah we'll see um i was gonna say i'm lazy but i'm not gonna go there uh i keep dragging this out so let me just say goodbye thank you for watching i hope you guys come back and listen next week
